9/11, Butch Stuff, Coronavirus19, Democrats, life stories, mental health, News trending, Patriotsim, Personal Thoughts

20 years of trauma…and it’s not over

I’m sure you remember where you were at 9:37 am on 9/11/01. I know I do. That moment and the hours that followed, the days that the pile smoldered and you could feel retaliation starting to be more mumbled about. As we each were frozen momentarily in our tracks during those horrific fully televised first moments of the planes hitting the towers, then the falling of those towers – straight down every single one of us changed in those moments. A feeling of collective vulnerability first, we had been attacked full on and all we could do was watch as events unfolded, 2997 the eventual fatality count.

Then the rising anger, calls for revenge and off to war we marched our soldiers…Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria..the middle east, thousands of miles away from home and doing a job no one before had been successful at or wanted to do. Britain tried 3 times, lost and went home every time. Russia, they’ve tried twice in recent history, only to pull out and go home. Why did we think we would ever have any more success in a country that does not want western government or influence? Democracy is not for everyone, and evidently it’s not wanted very badly in Afghanistan as we were shown when they dropped their American made weapons and ran from the Taliban.

In the last 20 years we poured buckets of cash into the war against terrorism. Trillions. Yet, here at home our infrastructure is pathetically tattered with no update in the last 50+ years, homelessness is outrageous, people are hungry, unemployed and sick without adequate medical care and our Congress cannot even get a $3.5 trillion dollar infrastructure bill passed. We’ll sit and allow our money to be squandered on needless war but NOT spend any good amount here at home taking care of our own country; improving our own infrastructure, bringing America fully into the 21st century. Yet we will try to nation build in other countries and not peep about the wasted costs.

People line Christopher Street during a gathering of the LGBTQ community and supporters protesting U.S. President Donald Trump’s agenda in Manhattan, New York, U.S., February 4, 2017. REUTERS/Andrew Kelly

Our politicians need a big fat wake up call. Democrats and Republicans alike. Democrats need to stop pussy-footing around and DO THEIR JOBS, discard the filibuster and move on with the business of rebuilding America from it’s neglect and from it’s abuse during the last administration’s time in office.

Republicans need to take a deep, deep look inside their party and DECIDE WHO THE FUCK they are and WHO they represent – oh and try developing an agenda that is not based on lies and cheating American voters, slamming women’s rights, installing inadequate people in all the wrong places, conspiracy theory, and made up bullshit about dems being lizard people. They party looks absolutely FOOLISH.

American citizens have been in a constant state of trauma response for the last 20 years. From the falling of the towers on 9/11/01 to the Texas abortion ban of 2021. We’ve literally been dealing with once crisis after another; one on top of the other, some thing repeatedly through the 20 years. Here we are now, 20 years later just having exited Afghanistan – albeit in not so graceful a fashion for the #1 fighting force in the world – in the midst of a huge heath crisis (covid) that has become a partisan political football. We have 30% of the country acting like children, attacking our capital, refusing vaccines, pushing for authoritarian rule and marshal law and enticing politicians to act like ogres who’s only goal is to end democracy in America.

On a daily basis we have trauma piled on us by what’s going on around us. Mass shootings at grocery stores, movie theaters, concert venues, barbershops, shopping malls, SCHOOLS, work places, and even government buildings. The virus keeps us all in this constant state of trauma limbo…where we are just itching for it to be over and don’t want to get infected! We wear our masks, socially and support President Biden’s 6 point Covid plan AND we fight with the anti-vax, denial and misinformation crowd. We are contending with a party that wants to limit voting rights, end Roe Vs Wade, and deport the Dreamers.

Don’t even get me started on the personal traumas, we’ve all had those as well whether related to what happened 20 years ago or to something totally personal, we all cope with some level of trauma response daily, we’re all still alive and kicking and this is a more difficult part of life in 2021. We can always keep hoping the future grows more calm and becomes more organized for all of our sakes.

((Hugs)) to all. ~ MB

Civil disobedience, mental health, News trending, Personal Thoughts, politics, Protesting, Racism, sexism, homophobia, etc., Republicans, Unrest in America

Immigration…

Another weekend gone by. I managed to get some of my garden stuff, did some raking in the front yard – trying to scratch up the front lawn, it’s so pathetic, sort of thatching and readying it for some new fertilizer and re-seeding – bagged some of the leaves I left in the front gardens to protect my perennials through the winter months and generally just got some spring preparation done. It felt good to be out there with my hands and mind in the dirt for most of the day on Saturday. Today, Sunday, it’s been raining all day so I worked inside putting up some new valances on some of the windows – hand-me-downs from Mom, very pretty ones at that!

This weekend’s main trending news was on the border mess, Georgia’s new voter suppression laws signed into law on Friday by Gov. Kemp, and the huge-ass ship blocking the Suez Canal and bunging up trade worldwide. Get ready for another toilet paper crisis, it’s coming! There are other very important issues in the news and happening world-wide, but I need to narrow the scope here for brevity’s sake!

Our southern border with Mexico, the primary land entry into the USA, is currently quite a debacle. It has been this way for YEARS, it’s just that now that President Biden has been in office 60 days it’s somehow ALL his fault…yeah…NO. The whole immigration to America has been a complete mess for 40+ years, so worse than others. Different leaders – in both Mexico and the USA – have handled it in a wide variety of ways. This is MY personal understanding and take on what’s happening down there.

#1 I am NOT seeing ANY GOOD journalistic coverage of this whole issue, beginning in their home countries; starting with when did the “surge” of people, seemingly rushing our border for entry into the country start AND WHY are they coming? This problem did NOT start on January 20th, 2021 when Joe Biden took office and we all KNOW that for fact. It’s been going on for about as long as I can remember! Hell, I recall Reagan dealing with this – until him and the general got caught selling them weapons, ouch. What we need to SEE is a history of the problem and the reasons behind all of these people believing they HAVE to flee their own countries in order to stay alive.

I do not believe that many Americans even know, understand or are aware of why this is happening because all they are “hearing” on the TV is how horrible it is that they ARE coming, how the conditions at the border where we are forced to take these people, house them, cloth them, feed them and provide medical treatment and comfort to a HUGE number of refugees – that’s what they ARE, I don’t believe these people are asylum seekers as much as they are refugees.

Americans have always had open arms for people fleeing to the USA for a better life; our country was founded on immigration. Unless you are native American you ARE product of immigration somewhere along the line. Providing refuge to people is our way, it will always be our way. We have always shown compassion, empathy and love – bestowing special attention to those threatened by violence, death or human rights abuses of all kinds. But there has to be a process and there must be the facilities to handle the numbers arriving – or we’ll just end up like some EU countries who are dealing with huge refugee encampments with squalid conditions.

The number of people crossing our southern border daily is fluctuating between 3-5000 DAILY. Where do we EXPECT to PUT these people? I don’t believe we even have enough structure to get roofs over all of their heads! It’s going to take TIME and WORK and PATIENCE – from not only US Americans but from the refugees themselves, who should be cooperating to the max and helping us get this figured out and done.

We need buildings, perhaps even a whole military style “base” to handle our southern border influx and all southern border immigration. The base needs to have an intake center, a court with 20+ courtrooms and immigration judges as well as attorneys. The base should have cafeterias, barracks style living for singles, pod style living for family units. There are other things it will need too, but we HAVE to start looking at things like THIS to get this under some sort of manageable control.

I can see thousands of good paying JOBS in building a few of these immigration bases. I would bet that many of these refugees would like nothing more than to have one of those jobs helping to solve some portions of the problems. Construction, food service, laundry, etc…they could fill many of these jobs! WE MUST GET CREATIVE!

As far as stopping them from coming, good luck. That’s just not going to happen. They will always come. Until the horrible conditions in the Latin triangle are remedied the people will continue to flee the violence, poverty and sure death to try to save themselves and their families.

**Additional Notes:

“To respond to the unprecedented spike in arrivals of migrant children traveling without parents or legal guardians, the U.S. government is on track to open at least nine emergency housing facilities within President Biden’s first three months in office. The Trump administration operated three influx housing facilities over four years, and only one of them is currently active.” (Article Link) Mar. 25, 2021

What is happening at the US southern border? This is a terrific, well written and easily understandable article by the IRC (International Rescue Committee) March 24, 2021. The IRC is a non-partisan NGO that provides much assistance and coordinates to provide housing and care for many of these asylum seekers at our southern border. I highly recommend doing some reading on their website and considering donating to lend a hand. We all need to try to be part of the solution!

This issue is very important to me – I wish it were to so many more! These people are fighting everyday to survive, to come to America and make a better life and they are willing to DIE trying to do it. Americans sit here and throw rocks. Bitching and moaning about immigrants while they seriously have NO IDEA what these people are up against in their home countries. We have lost our way; empathy is dying. We sit here in our little red, white and blue cocoons and pretend this doesn’t affect us – unless we have some weird thought that “…MAYBE they are getting something I’m not!” Then they freak the fuck out and turn into uninformed idiots. I wish I could be part of better educating people about stuff like this, I don’t get why people are not more interested in what is happening in their own country and why…just baffles me.

I’m off for the night. Get my first covid-19 shot tomorrow! Yay

Peace ~ MB

Butch Stuff, Coronavirus19, Gender Identity, Living in Maine, mental health, News trending, Pets/Dogs, politics, Unrest in America

Shifting…

Taken from Fort Foster…early morning sea smoke on the water.

What an insane way to start the week…insane conspiracy theories, four of them in 1 day….wow

Check out this video, you will be astonished. The flat out lies are just insane!

Then there was the Fox interview of Trump with Laura whats-her-name…I almost exploded watching him do THIS…!!! The video is about 1/2 way down the page, I think you’ll – if you haven’t SEEN this shit yet – be quite astonished to hear ANY world leader speak of his own people like Trump does here – oh, he has only “one people” his right-wingnuts – then there are the 70% of the residents of the USA that are evidently “thugs” and “antifa” and “dark people lurking”….we are the “enemy”…so buckle up a bit tighter, things are about to go full postal…if you get my gist.

My mind wanders so much more lately, fucking covid overload has made me spacey as fuck it seems – at least some days it does. The air is so thick with sanitizer that I rarely even get dirty thoughts these days…hahaha

My pot plants are doing really good now. We’ve not had enough rain this year, along with the lack of good snow cover last winter – which we depend onto fill the underground aquifers yearly – has resulted in very arid summer. My yard is DUST. The grass all died, turned brown and then the top level of dirt , when you walked on it, would create dust clouds it was so dry. Anyway, I’ve been watering the gardens – both flowers and the weed – every day at least once a day, even fertilized everything a couple of times.

It’s been a tough grow season this year…figures, with everything ELSE going wrong this just adds a little twang of being pissed off at the dry environment…even though it’s OUR faults because of global climate change. My pot plants are the Black Sugar Rose hybrids. I bought female clones but they came in late, so I’m behind on the grow. They’ve been in solid ground since the end of July, previously in pots. Won’t be as big as the last grow, but should be quite impressive, especially in quality and potency. The BSR is GOOD high THC content with a good back up of CBD as well. I love the buzz personally.

I am smoking shatter, live resin or sauce 85% of the time these days, the other 15% I use edibles, which I LOVE! I am glad that they are now making cartridges that fit the multi-voltage batteries (need higher heat) containing the live resin and sauces. They’re just awesome and FAR less labor or mess intensive. No rig, no dip stick, no mess. Screw it on and puff away. Perfection in stoneage, the ultra potency of this type of THC consumption is out of this world. Never in the 1970’s when I started smoking weed from Mexico – the old Columbian Gold days – never did we even imagine that our grandkids would perfect the methods of intense consumption. haha….little fuckers, gotta love ’em tho.

I’ve been perusing the depths of podcasting and off-beat sites, videos and delving into the caldron of like minded individuals from across the country. Vetting news sources right now is critical and absolutely necessary. The forces working to disseminate mis-information to you through Facebook, Twitter and even direct emails. Be aware of TV or internet commercials, the subliminal seduction factor flipped to subliminal fear factor is incredulous. Journalism is a frightening dabble at the moment. Lives are threatened and taken daily, mostly from the truth pool. Voices are quieted, headlines are twisted and YOU are the target; your vote counts so much that Russia wants it to be cast in THEIR desired direction, i.e. Trump the Puppet of Prickhead Putin.

The only interaction I have personally had with any Trump related thing is that I gambled in his casino in Atlantic City in the late 1980s. It was quite opulant, just about to the gawdy point in places. Dripping in gold, and later I found out in blood as well. Many contractors were gilted out of money when he had them build the casino and refused to pay many of them, forcing those who COULD AFFORD IT to try to sue him. You know how Trump lawsuits go, they get dropped. Contractors lost money, lost their businesses in some cases and their families suffered greatly as well.

Anyways, I didn’t stay there, I stayed next door at the Playboy, a very, very favorite memory in my data banks. I was a wet-behind-the-ears baby Butch just learning my walk through the universe as my more authentic self – I was still nervous and yet resolved to be out and proud in my skin and in the world around me. I can vividly recall so many individual “moments” of that 4 days; forever etched into the dark matter in my skull as some of the finest, most sensual and most memorable moments of my young Butch dive into the world of women, money and sex. I would dabble in this world on and off for a couple of decades, which direclty coincide with my good ole drinking days, Jack and Coke with a twist of lime, or Tequila…my go-to alcohol loves. Finally I got to that point in life where you desire deeper, more secure, loyal, loving connections and less frivalty. I have memories from other trips, but none compared to that first time in AC.

I digress….back to the blog and out of the inside of my head….but it’s such a pretty place, the colors, the music…the voices…BWHAHA…kidding….but it IS funny AF. The hazard of writing while stoned. I tend to amuse myself and end up sitting here cracking up as I type.

I just opened a new group on Facebook with some friends assisting in content and collaborating upon which direction we move with the page. I’m fully open to that morphing and twisting through time, all things change, grow and die. I’m psyched about the page in general. I’ve got a tight little team of cohorts and I’m sure I’ll find more fun, creative talent as time chugs on and we all get one day closer to November 3rd.

For anyone interested in joining the group it’s called The Butchuation Room and is a Facebook GROUP not a page, it can be publically located, but it’s a private membership group, just to try to keep things safe for members. I really think it’s going to be an interesting and engaging group. We’re trying out lots of different topics and ways to engage as a community including the use of Zoom meetings and Facebook Rooms. This is NOT a dating site….but I did add a dating topic page just to keep people from posting in the main body of the page with those kinds of searching for others posts.

Here’s my irrational thought of the evening….I think I have the hots for the journalist, Anna, who works on The Young Turks with John. She’s freaking HOT AF…and a blonde, which is interesting for me to find myself attracted to a blonde, not usually my preference. I thinks it’s her incredible vocal control and high intelligence and political awareness coupled with a very hot make up routine. There is no woman more attractive to me than a very smart, intellectual, well versed and knowledgeable smoking hot femme being.

Ok I need to button this blog up, get it posted and get my sleepy ass into lala land, where i can dream of honey on the lips and deep kisses…but before I can go there I need to show you all this particular article on Covid-19 discoveries that are VERY important. Our government doesn’t follow along close enough, good thing some of us DO!

check this out: Super Computer analyzes Covid-19 I think you will all learn some really wild stuff about how Covid-19 affects the human body, why and what you can do to help your own body be more prepared if you were to become infected. Please read and I think you’ll be astounded at this super computer analysis, I know I am!!

Take care. Be SAFE and Wear your MASKS! Especially covering the NOSE at all times, that’s your #1 main way of giving or getting the virus!!!

Peace ~ MB

Butch Stuff, life stories, Love, mental health, Personal Thoughts, Relationships, Things Butch-Femme

…Exit Stage Right

2020 is the year of character revelation. Faces will be uncovered; bias and prejudices exposed to the raw cold air. Failures and falsehoods revealed and spotlighted…Yes, 2020 will be the year of highlighting the cold hard truth – in our country and in each of us personally. The entire condition of this world right now is forcing all of this to the very surface of our lives, into the light and to be reckoned with until remedied. If we don’t make a change we will not survive, period. All those things you’ve come to take for granted will be gone…good -or even decent! – medical care, law enforcement without fear, fair housing, everything will be compromised by the hell of 2020, forever.

I recently came to a major realization about the woman I had fallen in love with a couple of years ago and who shattered my heart – and my trust – in the end. I was stupidly holding out hope that we could work things out and see each other again…but as we were reconnecting a bit I began to hear and understand things about her. That old saying, give someone a chance and they will tell you who they really are, is so very true. While love makes us blind and we never want to “admit” that we’ve been sort of taken for a ride when we finally realize that it’s true, when those blinders fall off and we take a hard look at the person we are almost idolizing, we realize what’s happened…

I never paid attention enough to words like narcissistic, until now…then I began think about all those little things that bothered me along the way that I either ignored or avoided about her, and realize they were outright symptoms of someone who has a narcissistic personality, maybe covertly, but definitely there.

I fell in love with her very deeply, I didn’t want to see anything wrong – ever. But the whole time the obvious signs were right there, I just didn’t understand. I thought she was just stressed and that was how she was – well it IS how she is, but it’s not stress. It’s a personality trait. She loved to for me to tell her what attracted me to her, she liked to hear how beautiful she was and sucked up the attention like a sponge. She kept me wanting more, and it worked – for her. I was sucked right in. She fed off of my praise of her. But when things weren’t done her way or something bothered her she just couldn’t let it go, she would brood and brood over the smallest shit. A fight with her mother in law, something callous someone may have said, a comment from a client, or the dryer being broken…just could not let it go. THAT is a habit of a toxic, narcissistic person, all day long.

Little things like the car having a minor cosmetic issue, would make her angry until it was fixed to perfection. I would ask her to just let things go, not keep bringing them up and bitching about them over and over, I chalked it up to stress and thought she just stressed out easy on stuff, but that isn’t exacty the case. The inabililty to let things go and move on in life is a leftover from childhood habit of a narcassistic person. By reliving things over and over, I told her wasn’t going to change them. Best to just let things go and not let the little shit bother you so much. But she continued, like somehow that was going to change whatever it was she was obsessing about. She would then be pissed about not getting apologies, or not getting the right “kind” of apologies, or about how long it took to get an apology. She would stew about them not immediately responding to her need for that apology or the suck up to make up phase. She was brutal on people. I saw it with her husband and heard about it when she spoke of people in her life – or formerly in her life -I never thought she would do what she did to me…I thought she loved me.

When she broke up with me she made ME think it was because of something I had done…then admitted just this past May in a card she sent to me ( a very sweet card I must say, which I enjoyed getting ) that it was NOT anything I did that caused the break up in the end, sure I didn’t do things as she would have liked, but the REAL reason; the TRUTH was that she had met someone else and my misstep at that moment gave her the ideal opportunity to go be with someone else. On a whim, inconsiderate of my feelings or how it would affect me. THAT was just wild as fuck and something I had NEVER before experienced with ANY other woman in my entire life. And because narcissists don’t like to admit wrong or face the truth head on, they will avoid you…SO she broke up by GHOSTING me, which I understand she’s done to other people before and after me as well. THAT is also the true sign of a narcissist as I have learned.

Now, I must say here that she did come back in May and she did admit what she did and apologized to me for it. Even told me she fucked me over and realized it as well as realized how good I had treated her after being treated like shit by the other person (according to her) – who SHE said was a narcissist! And used the EXACT same words she used on me a year ago to describe the other person she had been with after me.

OMG I wonder now did she even realize she was doing what narcissists often DO by gravitating toward another like-minded person? They call them “flying monkeys” as when you meet one you will generally find all of the people she is closest to are either the same or are the ones who are stoking the narcissist’s ego, making the narcissist NEED to have them around, to make them feel like they are something super special, and to boost their egos. Also they act constantly like the rules don’t apply to them and like they has to be #1 and you will never ever hear them claim those things, they needs to hear, back to you.

The praise, adoration and love is a one way thing. They’ll give you JUST enough to keep you coming back, but not enough to make you think they won’t dump you in a heartbeat (bread crumbing) – because when you wear out your newness or usefulness you are done. Plain and simple. Narcissists have NO problem walking away and hurting people. They will ALWAYS claim it is YOUR fault, and never take the responsibility for anything she can put off on someone or something else. All you’ll ever be is an afterthought.

So, once I researched the condition and UNDERSTOOD it I had a sort of epiphany….I realized I had dodged a big fat bullet. She would have mentally and emotionally wrecked me even worse had I gotten my wish. She did me a favor by leaving my life, I just didn’t KNOW it at the time. It was like in that instant I lost all respect and any taste for her I ever had. Now I don’t even feel the attraction I did because I understand that the conditions that she brings to a relationship are toxic and self-centered as well as NOTHING I ever want to be permanently part of my life. I treated her very good and loved her deeply, I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I deserve WAY better than I got there.

It feels so FREEING and like a huge weight is lifted off of my chest. I can finally breathe again and I don’t find myself thinking of her anymore. Funny, when the truth is revealed it can really throw a stench that will repel even the strong. I ‘m glad I got that out of my blood. It was fun, and it was real…but not real fun! haha…i couldn’t resist a joke here somewhere! haha

It definitely changed me; made me a better person actually. Made me more cautious, more observant, and more questioning. I won’t let it make me bitter though, that’s just not my personal MO. I am more of the let it go and move on, or forgive and forget with friends and family. But in this situaiton it’s just a let it go and stay away…FAR AWAY! And just chalk it all up to an experience I guess the universe thought I needed to have! Funny, how that universe bitch always comes into play!

I’ve always met and dated the sweetest women. Women who were truly beautiful inside and out. Sure there’s been a couple I could have done without and wanted to throttle in the end, but I ALWAYS tried to end things peacefully and without remorse or feeling of being used – either of us. I can easily talk to any one of my ex lovers like a friend (save one). I send Christmas cards to a few, birthday cards to a couple and I hang out with a couple on occasion because we’re in the same area and I run into them around town.

I don’t care for holding grudges, hell I forget about shit so fast sometimes I can’t hold a grudge…small shit just becomes irrelevant and I let it go. My new saying is I may forgive but I will never forget. I will remember what you did to me.

So, that’s the more personal growth side of things for me. This happened a few weeks back, and I got to say my mood improved 1000% in like an hour! I shed not even a SINGLE tear this time, I felt angry and then I found it comical as hell that it was HER that was the problem – for both me and the other chick – all along. Got to look at patterns….And still, even then, sometimes when you love someone deeply they may still deeply disappoint you.

Peace ~ MB

Family, friendship, Lesbian, Living in Maine, mental health, Personal Thoughts, Pets/Dogs, Photos and videos

Sunday and I’m A Bit Off Kilter

Dang I need a haircut BAD! But I can wait!

Sunday rolls around again…they seem out of context these days during our “stay-at-home” lifestyle. I slept late today, got out of bed around 10ish to feed the beasts. They were even groggy and sleepy. I think the slow pace we are stuck in right now is exacting it’s toll on all of us creatures, human and animal. I get up in the mornings now and feel like I don’t have a schedule that makes sense right now – and I don’t. I am going to work on that today in my bullet journal to try to develop a plan for the coming week, our last week of April 2020.

Having given up cable television has meant I have had to put together watchable stuff on my computer and 4K smart TV to keep me happy with watching something when I feel like it. I recently subscribed to Disney+, Curiousity Stream, and CBS All access so between those venues and all of the free stuff by Flex and PeacockTV I have plenty to watch. And my bill is FAR lower now, I just pay for internet and the subsription prices for the various apps – which are all on free trials at the moment. But watching mindless TV and news programs is not the only thing I want to be doing! I love to read and research. I watched a great show on the rise of Vikings across Europe and I watch a lot of animal shows. This morning it was a show on the Galapagos Islands and the pollution arriving there…sad, but we need to be aware so we can continue to figure out how to combat the problem and eventually solve it.

I really commend the broadcasters who have stuck with us through this whole pandemic. They are part of the band of heroes, those continuing to expose themselves more than those of us staying at home, so that less people become infected and end up in the hospital, or worse. All of the media outlets have really pulled together to continue to bring us the news – good and bad – but I do want to say this: vet your news sources. If you question something is true or not go to Snopes.com and do a check on it. I tend to stick with the big ones, CNN, MSNBC, Huffpost, The Guardian and The New York Times for my daily stories and to follow what’s going on with the pandemic. They’re not always exact, but they’re closer to true than some of the far-right conspiracy outlets that are working overtime to disperse fake and worse “news” and the like. I would say the #1 violator of that in the USA is the infamous FOX channels – steer very clear of them!

Railing box #3 and the Grape Hyacinths that I need to find a permanent home for in my perennial gardens.

I got stuff to make some cool face masks this week. Going to spend some time with my Mom who’s been isolating at her home with my Dad for weeks now. The doctor said he believes that it’s safe for me to visit her since I have been very cautiously self-isolating as well. He encouraged it even, saying we all need a little social support now, and if we are cautious and following protocol of the 6′ distancing and wearing masks as necessary we should be ok to see family in SMALL increments and no groups of more than 5-6 people in a space. He did say that outdoor visits were best, maybe having a picnic outside or taking a walk together.

Crafting area and some supplies April 24, 2020

Going to try making some colorful face masks April 24, 2020

So, yes, I will visit with her – out at the picnic table by the pool – and we can make some masks, have a little lunch and catch up a bit. I spoke to her this morning and she seems a bit down. Says she has no energy which indicates to me (knowing my Mom like I do) that she’s teetering on being depressed. My mother has never had depression issues that I am aware of, she’s always been upbeat and enthusiastic about life. So, seeing her get down worries me. She misses me and my siblings and her grandchildren very much. In the course of “normal” life goings-on she would see one of those people every day. Coming from a large, closely connected family this “stay-at-home” self-isolation order we are still under is more difficult in some ways for us. We are just so used to having people around all the time. Thus, it’s fairly important for each of us to make a little extra effort with Mom and Dad to keep them safe, happy and feeling loved during this very trying, unsure time in the world.

I got the pansies and ranocula in my railing plant boxes yesterday. They look pretty nice. I want to insert photos here…but am STILL trying to decipher how to bring them from Google Drive cloud into the WP platform…it’s got to be something I am doing wrong.

Here’s a photo of Nola giving me a kiss…wanting me to get up and take her for a walk most likely! She and Lulu have just been stellar isolation partners throughout all of this. They keep me sane and give me lots of love and laughs. I don’t know where I’d be right now without them by my side every day. And I know so many of my friends and family members are also very grateful for their pets right now, the soothing love of an animal who depends on you for food, warmth, love and safety is just irreplaceable. On Facebook you see so many awesome pics of everyone’s beloved animals. I am specifically fond of dogs, so the dog pics make me extremely happy when I see them flow thru my timeline.

No really knowing what to write about lately has kept me from publishing some of my daily musings. I have them saved as drafts and I do go back to them and pull out chunks here and there to add to other blog posts. The world is just so jumbled. So chaotic and just a complete mess. There is so much to write about, yet so little that makes good sense. I find subjects fleeting through my thoughts, but nothing really sticking with me to delve into very deep. So, this is what I’m doing – writing just about the current day for now.

It’s April 26, 2020 and the weather here in southern Maine is predicted to turn cooler tonight and get this – SNOW! Of course it will not stick on the ground, it’s been too sunny and warm. The ground is nice and warm and ready for spring, not more winter! I’m ready for more outdoor time, more garden time, to actually get to PLANT my garden for the summer! I’m ready for more picnics and outdoor cooking. Walks in the big open field over on Lewis Road and into the public trails that they have opened to everyone now. The dogs and I all love those areas! So, yeah, I am DONE with winter weather! I am happy every day that I get up and snap the furnace to the “off” position and don’t have to turn it on except at night when the temps are still dipping down into the upper 30’s some nights.

I’m grateful for my good health right now. I am grateful for the overall good health of my family and friends. And I am overly grateful for the love and friendship of my dogs and Frankie the cat. Yes, she’s still here…living large as the cat queen of the household. She teases the dogs and they tease her back, but overall things are quite cozy now. No one is fighting, that’s all I ask – no fighting!

Here’s a shot I just took of me starting a newly inspired Bucket List…I have actually NEVER kept a Bucket List before, so this will be a new experience for me. I have done a lot of things in my life, some I have great photos and stories about and some are just mental memories. I want to make sure I do a few more things before I move on to the next life of adventures. The first item I added just now is “Yellowstone by Camper with my dogs” I think that would be the ultimate in awesome for a trip.

I am making this Bullet Journal a journal of lists. Lists like the Bucket List. That is a “long term” idea list to me. Then there will be “To Do” which is current things that “need” to be done. So there will be both a practicality and a fantasy part of this journal. I like that. Everything should be like that.

I have always loved to travel. I especially love “slow” travel, such as car and train trips. I’m a gawker, a rubba necka, I see a squirrel every 13 seconds and my thought process is abruptly altered…haha…laugh, sometimes it’s not funny, but yeah, sometimes it IS really funny! Hahaha, I can laugh at myself, I’m fucking hysterical sometimes…or I think of some pretty insane kind of funny stuff at least! I manage to find myself laughing at myself 2-3 times a day…and when you’re alone except for dogs and a lazy cat, you know you’re a little off kilter…haha…who cares anymore!?

I have this vision of buying a decent used camper – preferrably one that I can drive instead of tow behind. Taking a year to renovate it and put it into the kind of shape that I need to do a cross-country, meandering kind of trip with my dogs. I’ve been to The Grand Canyon, Hoover Dam, drove the Old Rte 66 from Oklahoma to California (while reading “The Grapes of Wrath” outloud with my wife). I’ve been down the bob-sled track in Lake Placid New York at 90mph, and I’ve witnessed some incredible wildlife, such as gray whales coming up to the whale watching boat I was on and proceeding to scrape barnacles off of their backs – using the boat ! That lasted for over an hour before our guide had to have us pull away – reluctantly! I have some incredible photos of that – IF I could locate them now it would be close to a miracle. I may try, since I don’t have a lot of other things to really “do” these days! eh.

So, planning and making the trip out to Yellowstone from southern Maine would be a real dream come true for me, especially if I can make it happen in a camper that I am driving! I’m not interested in the fly out and fly back viewing, plus I could do that realistically anytime, no, doing it by road worthy camper is the ticket for this seasoned Butch! Hell, there may come a time that I choose to LIVE in a trailer like that, parking it in various different states as I see fit to move around. Hey, it COULD happen, especially because I would really LIKE that kind of lifestyle to tell the truth. I think I am nomadic at heart. It’s been hard the last 10 years to stay here where I am, but I made a commitment to myself and to my family to be here with them. Perhaps the future will bring different circumstances at some point that will draw me away geographically. I can never be drawn away emotionally. I do love Maine.

Enjoy the nice weather!!! And better air quality!

I wish you all the very best as the new week begins…yes, tomorrow is Monday – again – and I am into another safe week of stay-at-home activity level. I’ll be doing masks tomorrow, some editing tonight, photo books on Tuesday…and the time flies by….not…

Love and hugs to all of you – we ALL need them badly right now! Hug your dogs and cats and kids extra for me tonight, I need to feel that love!

Regards ~ MB

Butch Stuff, Coronavirus19, Family, friendship, Health and Wellness, mental health, News trending

Utopian Reality…

Day to day, this is how we now live – around the world. Each day we wake take care of the first thing business, get ourselves a coffee and visibly flinch as we reach to turn on the news. Never before has life been this unpredictable for some many at once.

The virus was a naturally occurring disaster, the response to it by our gov’t was a totally disaster of willful ignorance and stubborn egotistical shortsightedness. Trump didn’t want it to affect his presidential campaign or chance for reelection – which he obviously values far more than he does any human life that could be saved if he were to do the right things – so he did what he always does with these annoying things, he pretended the virus was not true, it was “a hoax by the Democrats ” to stymie his reelection bid. With this type of blatant inaction he has not jeopardized approximately 3.3M individual lives of Americans by making us ALL more at risk for infection, severe sickness and possibly the ultimate cost of our lives.

Incapable of putting the needs of others before his own desires, ahead of his feelings and ego. It’s having a direct, very negative affect on how we have been able to respond to this pandemic racing through America and around the whole world. As much as I truly dislike #45 I REALLY wish he could – just for this once – make the right decisions for the country, putting his own need for praise and applause on hold for just a little while to get this under some resemblance of control.

Now, due to our complete lack of guidance and leadership, our healthcare workers are being forced to work in dangerous, unacceptable conditions putting many of them directly in the line of fire for catching the CV19 virus. They don’t all have the proper PPE, or enough of it, and are reusing the one-time-use products. This would be criminal at any other time. The gov’t claim they have “strategic stockpiles” and are shipping products to the states…what everyone is asking is WHERE are these “stockpiles” and WHERE is the product promised? It’s not arriving at the designated places, no matter how many times it’s “ordered” by each state governor. Of course, all gov’t officials – including #45 himself, keep repeating “it’s on the way” “it’s been shipped” “so-and-so is receiving those items tomorrow”…etc…just stalling and avoiding the questions asked about these items and their true availability.

Here in America the desperate calls for PPE, hospital beds, ventilators, etc. is being answered, somewhat, by private companies and our citizens. American ingenuity, some people making masks one by one by hand with whatever materials they can procure on their local markets. We are crowdsourcing efforts to get things moving and into the hands of the frontline workers who need them. Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos have both pledged $10M to help with these private and personal efforts people are endeavoring. If nothing, this pandemic has brought out so much good from people and companies. We are watching and reading about individual heroic efforts to pitch in and help where it’s needed. We have several state governors who have really stepped up to the plate and taken the lead in hleping guide other states who have less. We’ve also sadly seen the opposite, those who align with #45’s temper tantrum methodology of shame, blame and willful ignorance.

With all of this madness going on all around the world it’s difficult to imagine what life will be like when this finally comes to an end – who knows when that will be. The UK is seeing infecion rates double every 3 days. The USA now has the most cases in the world, and although we have over 100,000 known infections doctors and scientists claim that in reality there is most likely 3 times that number. Some countries, like Iran, are suffering devastating loss and have little to no medical help for their people, citing a lack of hospitals, supplies, doctors and nurses and other support services. Yes, it’s a very scary worldwide mess. Everyone has every reason to be frightened, for themselves, for their families and for their friends and co-workers. All we can each do is work together and keep trying to make it through this horrific time in history. That’s all we can do.

Personally, it’s been hard to write lately because the pace of things is so furiously fast. Things seem to be just exploding here in the USA. With the daily death rate continuing to rise and the pressure of seeing people so distraught when they cannot be with dying loved ones, I feel emotionally overwhelmed and at a loss for words much of the time. Meaning well, I plan different blogs out but then when I sit to write different things come from the tips of my fingers and brain than I had originally intentioned.

I have been working like crazy around my property to keep my mind off of things. I’ve been taking the dogs for walks over on the old town farm property, exploring, taking photos, watching birds and trying to think about better times. I’ve written letters to old friends, made calls to people I haven’t talked to in ages, and checked on my family and friends daily as well. My Facebook friends lists are fairly extensive because of my blogging and vlogging over the years and sadly now I am being notified daily about people dying from the virus. Yesterday alone it was 4 people from my friends list that passed away. Sad. Scary. I am ready for this to STOP.

Be well my friends. Practice social distancing and take care of yourself and your loved ones. We will get through this, just keep caring and doing what YOU can do.

Love to all. ~MB

Butch Stuff, Coronavirus19, Health and Wellness, mental health

Lock Down…Day 4

So, it’s Thursday, March 19, 2020….day four of our voluntary lock down here in southern Maine and coastal NH. It’s eerie. Just weird.

I got up because I couldn’t sleep. The anxiety plus all the lifting I did yesterday has my body pretty sore. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I also have sniffles and am sneezing this morning. Dammit. If I get this virus shit it will NOT be funny. I easily get bronchitis and pnuemonia. I just downloaded the app, it’s for keeping track of temperature, and it creates a data base that’s more accurately predicting pockets of this virus than the CDC.

I watched a couple of videos from Italians warning us here in America of what’s coming for us in just 10 days, and advising us to cooperate with the stay in place and remain calm, yet stay informed as much as possible. This is a very serious time, not one to take lightly. I can’t believe that 13 states still haven’t done much at all. In 9 days we will have a total of over 80,000 cases here in the USA and who knows how many dead by then. Frightening I know, I wish it wasn’t true. I know everyone wishes that, let’s just all take this seriously so we can keep it down to a minimum.

I did a little preparing last week before this all got super serious. I bought a back stock of paper goods and food, plus cat and dog food – yes the damned cat is STILL here! I also laid in a good stock of gummies and flower so I won’t be calling for delivery. Plus I have more tincture made up to make another batch of gummies should I feel up to it. I may just take this time to do that! Got some back up batteries and made sure I knew where stuff was located.

Our healthcare providers are really at risk right now. They’re short of personal protective equipment like masks, gloves, and gowns. This virus is so contagious that you have to change after every patient completely. The national stockpile is pretty measly – I don’t care what the orange idiot is flapping his lips about, our government dropped the fucking ball BAD this time. We don’t have nearly enough equipment to take care of all of those who will get sick simultaneously, that’s why it’s VITALLY IMPORTANT that we stay away from each other, stay home and break the cycle of this germ.

And the big problem is that we no longer make our own stuff here in the USA. All of that stuff is made in CHINA and they need it too, as does the EU and Italy especially. They can’t make it fast enough or make enough of it to fill the need.

I hope that we learn some super valuable lessons. The biggest we need to learn is NOT to elect an imbecile as president. Trump totally ignored this for over 2 months. Then called it a democratic hoax. He fired the pandemic preparation team and the scientists and doctors back in 2018. Thus leaving us very vulnerable to something we KNEW would happen, just not when. Thus, our federal response has been non-existant, even though they spout off about how much they’re “doing” when on TV as they slather praise on the Orange Idiot for his “early action”, yeah right! The US military hasn’t been properly activated for domestic assistance yet. And although the 2 navy ships, the Mercy and the Comfort are headed to each shore, they aren’t yet manned and ready to jump into action. They’ll be used for those WITHOUT the virus who require hospitalization, traumas, heart patients, etc.

All of us alive today don’t recall the early 1900’s and the Spanish Flu pandemic that lasted 3 years and killed millions globally. We weren’t ready then and aren’t now. We are all in for a helluva Spring and Summer I believe. Don’t make any plans, nothing is going to be moving or open. Best thing we can all do is hunker down, use social media and snail mail, and just ride this out – paying attention to the REAL FACTS and not relying on our government to always be forthright with them.

Here’s a video I made this morning…describing some of what I’ve been doing and have lined up to do.

Hang in there my readers! Stay in touch with each other and try to remain calm and sane. We can do this. #stayhome

Stay Home!!! ~ MB

Butch Stuff, Indentity, Lesbian, Living in Maine, Love, mental health, Personal Thoughts, Relationships, Sexuality, Things Butch-Femme

Deep Thoughts and a Look Back on 2019

“No one is ever promised and easy path through this snake infested swamp…and then it’s suddenly our turn to cross that black water, or become lost in the past, perpetually locked in suspended states of illusion. Just where are you going? What’s the purpose of your journey? Do you know? Or have an idea? sigh ah, and there it is…the never-ending stream of unanswerable, internal, silently screaming questions bombarding our brains, commandeering our thoughts; demanding answers — for which we have none…yet.” {asl 2019}

If I died alone, never meeting the one for me, so be it, that’s what was meant to be. But I found the one for me, my soulmate. She is my partner, and my best friend. The mere thought of not being able to talk to her again, discuss science, argue about politics, talk of the obvious existence of extraterrestrials, the chance to make each other laugh…. these things fill me with a dread and sadness I can’t put into words.

It really all comes down to this though: tell your loved ones you love them. Don’t let things end on bad notes. Don’t go to bed angry. Take the blame during a fight even if you’re right, because life is so much more fleeting than you realize. Do nice things for people, express your appreciation. Be romantic, be kind, be optimistic. Do not allow fear and anger to rob you of your happiness ever. Be bold. Take chances. Love hard. Do not let go easily, be resilient. And always, always say ‘I love you’ upon parting.

2019 was an upside down year; one of those years where you learn the hard way to roll with the punches of life events and try not to let that bad taste in your mouth linger for too long as it will slowly poison you from the inside out. It’s one of the years that presented me with a HUGE learning event and some MUCH needed wisdom and guidance around life and living with purpose – not just sliding by from day to day. While that method seems to somehow make sense at times, it’s not really any way to live every day. We each need purpose and we each have desires. Those must be fulfilled or we end up just empty and floating aimlessly in the sea of darkness, alone, afraid and feeling quite useless. Nothing makes sense. No one makes sense. It leads us often to the quesiton “what is the point?” — never a good question to be asking oneself.

I haven’t been myself for a couple of months now. I was losing ground. Feeling stupid and not taking care of myself as I should have been doing. I had let myself become heavily invested in someone who came into my life 2 years ago; someone I believe is a real soulmatch for me. What I did wrong, in hindsight, is I allowed myself to let down my walls far too soon, and far to low.I lost touch with that one major Butch rule: “Never let your life be control or guided by pussy – anyone’s pussy – ever.” Until the day one of my Butch brothers slapped me on the back hard and said those words right into my face from about 10″ away, adding “Get a grip, man. Get a grip!” He was right on the money too. I had given over too much while not taking what I needed in return. I was over-confident that she loved me as I loved her. I let my guard down because of that and I am paying dearly still. Perhaps for a long, long time to come. Guess that’s to be determined.

I’ve been rolling these thoughts over and over in my head for weeks on end now. Trying to make sense of which way to go now. How to I reclaim my power? How do I find my worth once again? Who the hell AM I now??? I am not even sure of that anymore. This really took a LOT out of me. I never, ever saw it coming. Completely blindsided by someone I trusted more than anyone I had ever trusted in my life before. THAT fucking HURT the hardest.

I know that I have to continue to work through this myself. I know that I can and will do it; I’ll be damned if I let this keep me down or change my positiive attitude. I don’t want to live with doubt and fear. Nor do I ever wish to become so involved or over-confident in someone like that ever again without a very specifically laid out contractual agreement of the rules between us. I didn’t move on doing that with this person, because I was taking it “slow” and now I see the very, very big error in that way!

I also see things like making sure that both people have a really good idea of thier personal desires for the direction of the relationship – before becoming overly invested or even tossing out the “L” word. Relationships are great support for anyone, if they are healthy and equally tended to by both parties. One cannot “give” more than the other in the emotional department especially. Both must be willing to be equally vulnerable and thus trusting.

Don’t you just wish like a motherfucker that we KNEW all of these little tidbits of relationship tips before we stumbled into someone we wanted to love with all we’ve got inside? Wouldn’t that just make love so much easier? Ah, but the unknown of ‘love’ is part of the mysteriousness that makes it so damned attractive and alluring. The discovery process is so intoxicating that in our drunken love state we often lose sight of reality and throw caution to the wolves. It’s almost comical -but really NOT – how foolish we get over lust and love as well as how often we confuse the two states completely.

I can still shut my eyes, lay my head back on the pillow and see every curve, every hair, every mark on her body in my mind. I knew that body very well. And I showered that body and mind with love beyond anything I had given to anyone before. That’s pretty fucking deep to even say, but it’s fucking right as rain. Yes, I have lots of photos I could refer to, but I have boxed them all up and stored them away, out of sight to try to keep the visions of a minimum. It hurts to look at her photo and those eyes…those gorgeous eyes. With my eyes still shut I can inhale and still find her smell lingering in the recessed depths of my brain. I still feel her laying next to me, finger tips tracing across my chest, my jawbone, sweeping into my short hair as she leans in to kiss me passionately. Yes, I have all of those so very real memories driving me insane nightly. I wish so hard to be swallowed up by those thoughts and memories and be forever lost in space with only her as my company; my sustenance, my survival until that final heartbeat goes still and I can forget. That is the only thing that will make me forget. The only thing.

Everyone has their own reality in this life. No two are the same. Most aren’t even similar. Often our immediate life circumstance is the basis for most of our reality based choices and decisions. For example, my life as an older, single Butch with no children or major responsibilities at this point in my life is vastly different from my recent girl’s circumstances with having a special needs child that needs 24/7 care, a husband who is there in the picture daily to support the two, and a professional life she tries to manage around it all, and what I thought was a desire for a lesbian partnership too.

Once, in the not-so-distant past, I thought that these two different realities would mesh together and be very good for all involved. I thought, and was willing to, I could provide much physical and emotional support to her and to him as well with the kiddo. Because I love her so deeply – and grew to adore and love the child as well – I believed that I would be good for them all; be a good fit and be a very loving partner in the sphere of things. I personally still actually still believe this could be true. I had reached a point where I am fully willing to change my physical situation in life to be close to her and continue the relationship into whatever the next phase would be. We were close to making something close to that happen when the world fell apart for us. So close.

It’s no longer of any use to rehash the events that lead to the demise of our relationship. I don’t even care about those things anymore. It’s useless to keep even thinking about them, so I have basically forgotten about 90% of it now. I wish it had never happened, but it did and I didn’t know what to do, how to handle it, or which way to turn to figure it out. I found myself standing very alone on the precipice of darkness, without the anchor which had held me happily steady for almost 2 years. It was the saddest day of my life to date. Hands down, saddest. I felt true loss and had no one who understood or to lean on in that time. That’s when I truly learned how fucking strong I am inside. I weathered the most serious storm of my personal life by myself, unassisted and did it with the most dignity I could muster. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but I never claimed perfection…but I’ve weathered all of it as good as I could.

Our lives happen in chapters. This is close to the end of chapter 5 for me. Generally I’ve experienced the chapters to coincide closely with decades and milstone marks. Childhood, teen years, 20’s (insanity), 30’s settling, 40’s realizing what I was missing something big, and the 50’s trying to find that more stable, decent life I desire, more purpose and a partner I can count on to be at my side. Maybe these chapters are similar for many of us. I know through conversations that I share much with many of my Butch counterparts. And sometimes we even have to refer back to a previous chapter, a specific page perhaps, to help us through the current chapter a bit easier. There’s no set “road-map” of this lifestyle, just a gut feeling and some pretty honestly ethical ways and rules to things. I dislike hard rules, but there are about 5 Butch rules that I find I have to be guided by always or I get off track and all fucked up! Ha!

Insanity is the ritual of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This is the most true of statements ever spoken. Yet, we all do it. We all try to get what we want in the ways that we are comfortable and used to using…even if it doesn’t work this time, maybe it will next time…where that fucked up thinking comes from is beyond my comprehension.

Ok, enough deep thought for today/tonight. It’s been a pretty good last-Saturday in 2019. IT was a super sunny, warm (50 degrees F!), gorgeous day to be alive. I got tons done, preparing myself and my home for 2020’s arrival on Wednesday.

2019 will definitely be a memorable year- if not for the right reasons, then for some of the more bleak or perhaps less attractive ones. Hey, nothing is guaranteed or promised – ever. Not in life, loving or living on this planet in this time dimension. WE ALL struggle to roll out of bed every morning and do it all over again. Some days we literally stop and ask ourselves, “Why?”, and some days we just pretend we are enjoying it as we slurp down coffee and race off to the office or work site for the day. Whatever we have to do to make it work; to keep us going in a somewhat forwardish direction, and to try to live our best lives, as our most authentic selves, we just do it. Over and over. Lather, rinse, repeat. Whether we are happy or not…THAT is literally up to each one of us personally to determine and make it so — or not. Choices.

Peace. ~ MB

addiction, Butch Stuff, Family, friendship, Gender Identity, HIV / AIDS, Holidays, Indentity, Lesbian, Living in Maine, Love, mental health, Personal Thoughts, recovery, Relationships

My Brain on Over-drive

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Fuck. It kind of crept up on me this year as I wasn’t really paying attention. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, yet it will be somewhat good to spend a bit of time with my biological family. They all mean well and I do love them dearly – most of them. I only hope that the blue / red division won’t come into play. I hope no one is out to trigger anyone else with political bullshit. I hope it’s peaceful, loving and fun. No drama. And I hope that for ALL of YOU out there in the world!

This is so true of my feelings for sure! MB

I woke up this morning feeling a little out of sorts, confused and anxious. I don’t see my doctor until a couple of days before my birthday in January. I think I need a med adjustment, or change, something just isn’t working any longer. I’ve been doing some research and I think that I will wean off of the Wellbutrin and increase the Cymbalta dosage. I did pretty good on the higher dose of that previously, without any other anti-depressant added. I want to go back to a single anti-d med. So, yeah, that’s my plan. I hope my new doctor will hear me out and help me make that change.

I believe that in 2020 the injection for HIV suppression will be available to those of us living with this fucked up virus. I am on my doctor’s primary list to be given this injection as soon as it’s available to us. It’s been super successful in trials and is almost there with final approvals by the powers that be. I’ll be happy not to be taking pills every morning to maintain my zero viral load status!

With only 5 weeks left in 2019 I have begun to put together some plans and ideas for 2020, from books I want to read to places I plan to visit. I’ve just begun the process. I’m starting a vision board and I just started a new adventures notebook to memorialize the year. I don’t like to do much for “long-term” planning, so I keep it simple. I don’t plan out exact dates or exact routes, motels, or make any type of itinerary for an adventure. That’s why it’s an “adventure” and not a planned out visit. My ex-wife used to actually create and print out an itinerary for every trip we took together – and there were many! It drove me crazy, but I smiled and went along with it generally. One trip we took I actually threw the itinerary out the car window in the middle of the mountains in Arizona…she wasn’t pleased, but she already had it memorized anyway. That trip was awesome as fuck and I have tons of great memories from those 10 days.

A few of my ideas/plans thus far are:

Four road trips, one during each season of 2020 to be planned around the weather and conditions at the time and in the places I’ll be cruising. Some are going to be Minnesota, Utah, Florida & Texas. Plus a trip across Maine on Old Canada Road, Rte 201.
Two long hikes. This I’ve already started gearing up for. I need to be in better physical condition and healthy as I can be when I embark on these adventures. One will be part of the Appalacian Trail, which I have done portions of in the past and loved it. Both are planned to be 3 day adventures.
One adventure to Canada. I think I will enter at Niagra Falls (for convenience) and head to Toronto. I have a couple of LGBT friends near Toronto who I would love to see in 2020.
Museum of Natural History in NYC, I’ll also go to Ellis Island and visit Ground Zero.

I just had a shitload of work done on my car – not fun – so I know it’s in top shape for long runs. I’ve set up a special account for saving funds for these things, which is going well thus far. The car repairs set it back a bunch, but it had to be done. The car is overall in good shape albeit high mileage at 204K but the mechanic looked it all over thoroughly and he says she’s fine for long distance cruising. Unfortunately, one cannot avoid those kinds of things that seem to happen when you can least afford it – car, furnace or other big expense home stuff. I usually manage somehow, this time was a bitch but I pulled the fucking rabbit out of the hat once again. Thanks to side hustles and Yankee ingenuity.

Nola and Lulu have been great. Lu is silly as usual and going through one of her twice yearly sheds right now. She looks like a pretty ugly long-haired Chihuahua right now. I give her hair and skin supplements and it should grow back in very nicely – it did last time! But in the meantime she’s looking awkward to say it mildly! Nola is just Nola. Stodgy old gal she is. I got this awesome photo of them which I am having framed once the print arrives. Going to do an “assembly” buy at Micheals, it’s way less expensive than just ordering it to be framed. My sister the photographer clued me in on this method. So, I get the frame, matt and photo then take it all to the framing counter and ask for them to assemble it. They do it beautifully I am told, with a nice backing and including hanging hardware and it’s half the price. Here’s the picture…it’s my favorite shot ever taken of them together. Nelson Linscott, very kindly, digitally enhanced it for me.

Gummy production has been going spectacular. I couldn’t be happier about that little endeavor of mine. My awesome recipe is all the rave with my customers. They like it way better than last summer’s first round try – which came out awesome and was a great first round learning experience. Someone else actually did the cooking last time though, and this time I did it myself with the new method and recipe. I educated myself in depth about how to make them commercial grade, less sticky, and the right milligram desired. And this batch, instead of translucent, is solid colored and much softer, more flavorful. And they are not sticky. I also learned not to keep them refrigerated, it’s not necessary unless you use real fruit juice, in which case they will mold. Keeping them sealed and in a place that’s just room temperature is fine. This batch here is lime. I am set up to manufacture both orange and cherry flavors this weekend, with another supply of product grown myself.

It’s been a hard fall losing friends unfortunately. On this last Monday my old friend Tractor Bob, who had been sick for years battling cancers, died peacefully at home. I used to call him a “hosta” because nothing seemed to phase him or kill him off – and he went through some pretty traumatic crap during the last years of his life, but he kept on getting back up and fighting. I’m going to miss him, but I am relieved that his pain is gone and he’s at peace.

I also lost another couple of old friends / acquaintances to drug overdoses, which I see as so uselessly tragic. I’m so glad that I got out of that whole scene a few years back now and I have no inclination to return to that crap ever. I’ve made it through some very difficult things without reaching for dope to deal with it, so I ‘m pretty proud of the strength I have in me now. It’s also thanks to some very good friends and my mom’s support and encouragement that I’ve stayed clean, that’s a fact that is not lost on me. I lost my best friend even to that crap. I had to 86 her from my life on July 3rd and while I hope she’s doing okay wherever she is now, I just can’t be around people who use like that anymore. Too bad, 2019 was a year of some pretty painful losses for me, but I survived and I’ve learned. It’s all about the lessons I suppose. (That’s bullshit).

I have to go get myself looking decent now for a pre-game get together tonight. Often a few of us get together the night before Thanksgiving. Although my brain wants to just stay home and write more tonight, I need to go and be social. I’ve been hiding from people far too much lately and I realize it, so I need to fix that right away. At least I’m not reconnecting with toxic people – aka my ex-bestie – which is always a risk when a person in recovery gets lonely. I’m not THAT fucking lonely! hahaha. I get out a lot, just not to hang out with anyone in particular. Generally it’s to the beach or Vaughn Woods to hike with my dogs, or to town to do errands, but that doesn’t count as “socializing” I am told! So, off i go! Hope you all have an enjoyable T-giving eve! Take it easy on the wine and spirits, and have a great time! Hugs to all.

Gobble. ~ MB

Butch Stuff, Family, friendship, Gender Identity, Indentity, Lesbian, Living in Maine, Love, mental health, Personal Thoughts

We’re ALL Struggling… So Be Kind.

It’s a fact that we are all facing mortality. It starts the very moment you are born..that ONE sure thing, we will all die. No matter how “good” you live, you cannot and will not escape the reaper. The person you are looking at right now, or who you just kissed goodbye before leaving for work, that person is going to die as well. It’s inevitable and part of being ALIVE.

We cannot choose when, where or why we will cease to exist on this plane of time. We cannot take anything we acquired, along the journey through our lives, with us. Someone will be left behind to go through all of your stuff, personal and all, to sort it out and most likely dumpster most of it. This only concerns me when it comes to my journals and my toy drawer, thus I have left special instructions for the disposal or disbursement of these things. The rest I could care less about; it’s just “stuff” and can be trashed, donated or sold, I won’t care – or even know – what happens to the “stuff”. The ONLY thing you get to take with you are your memories. Those die with you.

This came up for me as I am filling out papers for end of life decisions. Some of the things you have to think about when doing this task are things that you never really consider on a day-to-day basis. It’s good to a decent job of being prepared, just in-case you are hit by the proverbial bus today. Until now I have never stopped and taken the hour or two it takes to put my last wishes into some form of organization. Make sure you plan for the care of your children and/or your pets…don’t leave them without a plan for their continued care and nurturing!

It also is a great moment to reflect and count those things, people and other beings that are loved and important to you. Hey, you have got to LIVE while you are still breathing! Wasting your precious time on non-loving, non-helpful, and stupid things shouldears. be stopped. And remember, there is NO tomorrow, only today. Whatever one is waiting for to make a change, take a chance, do a thing, or whatever one waits for to happen to them is purely a waste of your time and energy. Do those things NOW. Waiting just prolongs your achieving acquisition of what you need now. This is my new way of looking at things.

Let go of anything that isn’t exactly what you want and need right now. Stop wasting your time and energy waiting for that “right moment” to magically happen. It’s not going to happen. You only have TODAY. Nothing is promised or guaranteed for tomorrow or any future date, ever.

It took me a few to adjust my brainwaves to things that have whizzed through my own life in the last few years and have brought me right up to this moment in time…this VERY MOMENT. And as the world has gotten so out of sorts, chaotic and unpredictable as of late with everything going on in the world, my individual life and the lives of my loved ones I realized it’s vital to reassess and clean out the compartments’ contents of my life and mind. Our world has changed so drastically in the last 15 years that it’s affected our thinking.

We depend FAR too much on technology and sadly far too little on true, personal human contact. We have lost the ability to communicate without technology. Hell, most people under 40 don’t even know how to live without a cell phone and internet access. Most don’t even own a transistor radio in-case the technology is sabotaged or cut off completely for any period of time. Don’t think it can happen? It happens every day in many other countries and at some point it will happen here in America. Remember, the government owns the internet. They CAN and WILL manipulate citizens with it at some point. Get prepared. Learn how to communicate verbally, and make a fucking plan.

Been cleaning out my house and I dumped out my storage shed and heaved a ton of shit. Drastically reducing the amount of “stuff” I have around me. The feeling is very invigorating. I like it. Less junk to worry about caring for, disposing of, moving or otherwise dealing with by the way of “stuff”. Simplifying makes me much more portable as well, so I believe it will benefit me in the long run in that manner. I don’t plan to stay in this particular place for too many more years, not like I’m moving soon, but I am sure it will be in the cards down the road. I wouldn’t leave New England without a damned good reason anyway!

Organizing my journals and writings is a big undertaking for me. I have a large amount of printed and hand-written personal writings stored in totes in my shed, the closet, and current stuff right here at my fingertips. I’ve been thinking about compiling a book of my adventures and experiences for a long time. I have a friend who has now inspired me to take a harder look at doing this now instead of waiting until I am “ready” – whenever that is supposed to be, no one knows. The thoughts, memories and events memorialized in my writings are good fodder for a book – or a bonfire. One or the other WILL happen in the next 2 weeks – unless the bus comes before I do it!

This last week has been a virtual BITCH in some ways and a relief in others. My tenant moved out – YAY – which makes me extremely happy. He found a place closer to his job. I’m glad he’s gone because, face it, men are pigs in the cleanliness sense if nothing else. Oh, and they smell bad. Just bad. Not appealing at all, even when they don’t have much smell, it’s still not appealing to me, which is most likely because I highly prefer women and 99% of the men I have met in life can easily be replaced by any good woman. I understand they are vital to reproduction or at least right now they are, eventually I am sure the scientific world will figure out how to get around that. Other than that feature I have no need to live with a man in my home. None. So, new policy is female renters only. I know that will have it’s drawbacks, but my immediate, personal world just doesn’t need a man in it.

My new tenant moves in on Friday. I am revamping the room this week. Shampooing the carpet. I want to rip it up and replace it -and I have materials – but I have no help at this time to do it, so it will wait until I can line it up to be done at a more convenient time – or never if the bus comes early! Really isn’t all that important in the scheme of things, or the big picture. She’s an older woman and needs housing for 12-18 months…perfect for me at this time. In 12 months I am sure we will all be in very different places and headspace, so no knowing what will happen. I will just plan for things that make me happy and bring joy and love into my life daily. Plans that I will look forward to; not to wait around for things to change so I can partake of them.

My car…fucking cars…gotta hate em. Last summer I was returning from Logan Airport one night in pitch black and pouring rain. I went to turn into a service station for a beverage and hit a curb – hit it hard. Blew the passenger tire and had to limp home on the spare. Well, come to find out I bent the strut on that side, bent the tie-rod, disconnected the stabilizer arm and bent that…so, yeah, it’s fucked. Needs both struts replaced, new bushings, tie-rods, stabilizer arms, and who knows what once the job is started. So, I’m grounded temporarily while I figure out how to handle it. Either I am going to sell it and buy something else, or I am going to trade it. Either way I am NOT going to invest any more into it. It’s worth about $3500 and it needs a $1400 batch of repairs to remedy the damage done that night. In the meantime I have located a nice little silver Honda CRZ hybrid that should be a nice replacement. More sporty, more economical and they actually do well in the snow due to the battery placement and weight. I did a bunch of research on them already. So, if I can get the price I want to pay I will be driving that in a week or so.

Then my furnace started acting up right after I dropped $502 in fuel oil into the tank. If it’s not one fucking thing, it’s another! Repair guy came out once, thought it was good-to-go, but then it started acting up again a few days ago. This morning, 37 outside, no heat inside. Fuck. Repair guy will be by tomorrow, because I didn’t want to pay an additional $100 Sunday call fee on top of the regular fee, plus parts. I can deal with the temps until tomorrow by using my space heaters, I have 5 of them, 3 large and 2 small. The control switch on the motor needs replacement. I replaced the thermostat yesterday myself thinking that was the issue, then it ran for about an hour and started the shut-down/start-up thing all over again. Last year I replaced the motor and had the blower rehabbed. Once this control is replaced the furnace guts will essentially all be close to new. Should run another 15 years, with a yearly service for upkeep.

I spent a good part of Sunday doing outdoor work around my house and yard. Raking leaves – my 2nd most hated task of home ownership, right behind shoveling snow – and cleaning up debris from last weeks wind storm event. It blew at over 50mph for an entire day…took down my bird feeding station and all. I prepped the dog turn-out area for the winter, staked down the Exofencing and cleaned it all up. My dogs were quite happy playing in the piles of leaves, Nola particularly. Tomorrow they’ll all be bagged and set out for pick up.

I got my firepit out and ready for some November fires. It’s been perfect for fire nights lately. I’ve been going to other’s homes and enjoying their fires and decided to start having a few of my own here. We have bonfires right thru the winter here, it’s really awesome on those cold, clear, calm nights…a nice bonfire under the stars…nothing like it.

Two weeks ago I was sure I was going to have an stressful fall/winter season. Today I feel totally the opposite. I have far fewer worries on my mind replaced by far more new energy to focus on. Somewhere in there I turned a corner, realized I was just allowing myself to absorb too much negativity and it made me miserable and it had to stop. I woke the next morning feeling so much relief. No more waiting, no more wondering, no more bullshit. My mood immediately improved, I woke up smiling and I haven’t had any more trouble sleeping or eating since. I feel like my happy self again, like I felt before the last 2 months happened. Now, new adventures await! And I will insure that the journey will be epic.

There’s a lesson in there I am sure. Still trying to put it into words though. Maybe it’s that I finally realized that I am worth a helluva a lot more than I gave myself credit for…and I know it now, enough to not allow myself to wait on anyone ever again. Either they’re in or they’re out; just that fucking simple! I’m going to focus on happy, not on misery, waiting or placating anyone else by trying to change myself. I am fucking fantastic just as I am – authentically, openly and honestly ME. People can take me as I am or go the fuck away. Misery loves company, I’m sure there’s a group for that on Facebook even, and I am not going to join company with misery!

People are weird. They want you to accept them and all their stuff, yet they don’t always reciprocate that same thing. And having no defensive makes one get defensive. Honesty should beget honesty in a more decent world. So, I’ve learned to believe only half of what someone says and learn more by how they act and react when it counts most. Perhaps I even dodged a bullet. Whatever the fuck it was, it wasn’t good and I didn’t need it to continue. Kind words are so difficult for some to say. Yet they want those words said to them…Yup, in today’s world people are just fucking weird, yet we all love the weirdos!

I have cut my cigg smoking down by over half in the last 2 weeks. It’s been a battle, but I’ve been staying on track regardless. I also reduced the amount of weed I was ingesting as well. I realized I was using it to avoid shit; cover feelings and to try not to feel things. Not good. Thankfully I know myself very, very well and saw my err in judgment with the weed. I make out better by reducing anyways! I will always smoke or do edibles, but I know the right and wrong use and time for it. In the meantime, I made one AWESOME triple batch of edibles. Best batch to date. I used a completely different process all the way from decarbing to the way I made the gummies. They look better, taste better and are nice and soft without being mushy or sticky! Learned some great tricks of the trade from a friend with far more experience and knowledge. If I wasn’t laying in bed typing this I would go take some pics…I’ll do that later and add them here as an update to the post.

I am on the list to get the HIV shot as soon as my doctor has it in stock. That means no more daily meds! An injection once every 6 months will keep everything in check. That makes me exuberantly happy! I changed up 2 other meds, still have to take that med daily but I’m pleased it’s working far better than what I was taking before, and no side-effects like weight gain. After the injections start I will be down to taking one pill a day – plus vitamins and supplements. That will be such a relief as I won’t have to worry about missing any doses. I rarely miss, maybe once a month, but still….misses cause tolerance build up and that is never good.

Today is a big day. My father is undergoing another heart catherization this morning. I’m sure Mom will keep us all updated…it’s fairly routine with him, he’s had several in the past. Hopefully this one will be just as routine and will give him some relief from the chest pains and worry.

Ok, it’s 6am and time to get this party started! The day is going to be nice weather-wise and I have a ton to get done around here. Feels like I always do, but that’s just not really true…I keep up, but it’s a special week. So I am doing extra things and getting my shit all into one fucking sock. hahaha. Holiday fairs start next weekend, need to be ready for those, plus I may go back to HD. I spoke to my old manager and he wants me to come back part time as soon as my transportation crisis is solved. In the meantime I have to keep doing what I’m doing and making ends meet. Going back to HD is kind of appealing, I love the construction atmosphere and the people watching!

Hey, everyone have a GREAT week! Don’t forget to make yourself happy TODAY! Do something kind, be compassionate, be empathetic, be happy as fuck!!!

Peace! ~ MB

MainelyButch: Private Label

Existing Outside the Gender Binary

Category Archives: mental health

…Exit Stage Right

Sunday and I’m A Bit Off Kilter

Lock Down…Day 4

Deep Thoughts and a Look Back on 2019

My Brain on Over-drive

We’re ALL Struggling… So Be Kind.

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