We’re ALL Struggling… So Be Kind.

It’s a fact that we are all facing mortality. It starts the very moment you are born..that ONE sure thing, we will all die. No matter how “good” you live, you cannot and will not escape the reaper. The person you are looking at right now, or who you just kissed goodbye before leaving for work, that person is going to die as well. It’s inevitable and part of being ALIVE.

We cannot choose when, where or why we will cease to exist on this plane of time. We cannot take anything we acquired, along the journey through our lives, with us. Someone will be left behind to go through all of your stuff, personal and all, to sort it out and most likely dumpster most of it. This only concerns me when it comes to my journals and my toy drawer, thus I have left special instructions for the disposal or disbursement of these things. The rest I could care less about; it’s just “stuff” and can be trashed, donated or sold, I won’t care – or even know – what happens to the “stuff”. The ONLY thing you get to take with you are your memories. Those die with you.

This came up for me as I am filling out papers for end of life decisions. Some of the things you have to think about when doing this task are things that you never really consider on a day-to-day basis. It’s good to a decent job of being prepared, just in-case you are hit by the proverbial bus today. Until now I have never stopped and taken the hour or two it takes to put my last wishes into some form of organization. Make sure you plan for the care of your children and/or your pets…don’t leave them without a plan for their continued care and nurturing!

It also is a great moment to reflect and count those things, people and other beings that are loved and important to you. Hey, you have got to LIVE while you are still breathing! Wasting your precious time on non-loving, non-helpful, and stupid things shouldears. be stopped. And remember, there is NO tomorrow, only today. Whatever one is waiting for to make a change, take a chance, do a thing, or whatever one waits for to happen to them is purely a waste of your time and energy. Do those things NOW. Waiting just prolongs your achieving acquisition of what you need now. This is my new way of looking at things.

Let go of anything that isn’t exactly what you want and need right now. Stop wasting your time and energy waiting for that “right moment” to magically happen. It’s not going to happen. You only have TODAY. Nothing is promised or guaranteed for tomorrow or any future date, ever.

It took me a few to adjust my brainwaves to things that have whizzed through my own life in the last few years and have brought me right up to this moment in time…this VERY MOMENT. And as the world has gotten so out of sorts, chaotic and unpredictable as of late with everything going on in the world, my individual life and the lives of my loved ones I realized it’s vital to reassess and clean out the compartments’ contents of my life and mind. Our world has changed so drastically in the last 15 years that it’s affected our thinking.

We depend FAR too much on technology and sadly far too little on true, personal human contact. We have lost the ability to communicate without technology. Hell, most people under 40 don’t even know how to live without a cell phone and internet access. Most don’t even own a transistor radio in-case the technology is sabotaged or cut off completely for any period of time. Don’t think it can happen? It happens every day in many other countries and at some point it will happen here in America. Remember, the government owns the internet. They CAN and WILL manipulate citizens with it at some point. Get prepared. Learn how to communicate verbally, and make a fucking plan.

Been cleaning out my house and I dumped out my storage shed and heaved a ton of shit. Drastically reducing the amount of “stuff” I have around me. The feeling is very invigorating. I like it. Less junk to worry about caring for, disposing of, moving or otherwise dealing with by the way of “stuff”. Simplifying makes me much more portable as well, so I believe it will benefit me in the long run in that manner. I don’t plan to stay in this particular place for too many more years, not like I’m moving soon, but I am sure it will be in the cards down the road. I wouldn’t leave New England without a damned good reason anyway!

Organizing my journals and writings is a big undertaking for me. I have a large amount of printed and hand-written personal writings stored in totes in my shed, the closet, and current stuff right here at my fingertips. I’ve been thinking about compiling a book of my adventures and experiences for a long time. I have a friend who has now inspired me to take a harder look at doing this now instead of waiting until I am “ready” – whenever that is supposed to be, no one knows. The thoughts, memories and events memorialized in my writings are good fodder for a book – or a bonfire. One or the other WILL happen in the next 2 weeks – unless the bus comes before I do it!

This last week has been a virtual BITCH in some ways and a relief in others. My tenant moved out – YAY – which makes me extremely happy. He found a place closer to his job. I’m glad he’s gone because, face it, men are pigs in the cleanliness sense if nothing else. Oh, and they smell bad. Just bad. Not appealing at all, even when they don’t have much smell, it’s still not appealing to me, which is most likely because I highly prefer women and 99% of the men I have met in life can easily be replaced by any good woman. I understand they are vital to reproduction or at least right now they are, eventually I am sure the scientific world will figure out how to get around that. Other than that feature I have no need to live with a man in my home. None. So, new policy is female renters only. I know that will have it’s drawbacks, but my immediate, personal world just doesn’t need a man in it.

My new tenant moves in on Friday. I am revamping the room this week. Shampooing the carpet. I want to rip it up and replace it -and I have materials – but I have no help at this time to do it, so it will wait until I can line it up to be done at a more convenient time – or never if the bus comes early! Really isn’t all that important in the scheme of things, or the big picture. She’s an older woman and needs housing for 12-18 months…perfect for me at this time. In 12 months I am sure we will all be in very different places and headspace, so no knowing what will happen. I will just plan for things that make me happy and bring joy and love into my life daily. Plans that I will look forward to; not to wait around for things to change so I can partake of them.

My car…fucking cars…gotta hate em. Last summer I was returning from Logan Airport one night in pitch black and pouring rain. I went to turn into a service station for a beverage and hit a curb – hit it hard. Blew the passenger tire and had to limp home on the spare. Well, come to find out I bent the strut on that side, bent the tie-rod, disconnected the stabilizer arm and bent that…so, yeah, it’s fucked. Needs both struts replaced, new bushings, tie-rods, stabilizer arms, and who knows what once the job is started. So, I’m grounded temporarily while I figure out how to handle it. Either I am going to sell it and buy something else, or I am going to trade it. Either way I am NOT going to invest any more into it. It’s worth about $3500 and it needs a $1400 batch of repairs to remedy the damage done that night. In the meantime I have located a nice little silver Honda CRZ hybrid that should be a nice replacement. More sporty, more economical and they actually do well in the snow due to the battery placement and weight. I did a bunch of research on them already. So, if I can get the price I want to pay I will be driving that in a week or so.

Then my furnace started acting up right after I dropped $502 in fuel oil into the tank. If it’s not one fucking thing, it’s another! Repair guy came out once, thought it was good-to-go, but then it started acting up again a few days ago. This morning, 37 outside, no heat inside. Fuck. Repair guy will be by tomorrow, because I didn’t want to pay an additional $100 Sunday call fee on top of the regular fee, plus parts. I can deal with the temps until tomorrow by using my space heaters, I have 5 of them, 3 large and 2 small. The control switch on the motor needs replacement. I replaced the thermostat yesterday myself thinking that was the issue, then it ran for about an hour and started the shut-down/start-up thing all over again. Last year I replaced the motor and had the blower rehabbed. Once this control is replaced the furnace guts will essentially all be close to new. Should run another 15 years, with a yearly service for upkeep.

I spent a good part of Sunday doing outdoor work around my house and yard. Raking leaves – my 2nd most hated task of home ownership, right behind shoveling snow – and cleaning up debris from last weeks wind storm event. It blew at over 50mph for an entire day…took down my bird feeding station and all. I prepped the dog turn-out area for the winter, staked down the Exofencing and cleaned it all up. My dogs were quite happy playing in the piles of leaves, Nola particularly. Tomorrow they’ll all be bagged and set out for pick up.

I got my firepit out and ready for some November fires. It’s been perfect for fire nights lately. I’ve been going to other’s homes and enjoying their fires and decided to start having a few of my own here. We have bonfires right thru the winter here, it’s really awesome on those cold, clear, calm nights…a nice bonfire under the stars…nothing like it.

Two weeks ago I was sure I was going to have an stressful fall/winter season. Today I feel totally the opposite. I have far fewer worries on my mind replaced by far more new energy to focus on. Somewhere in there I turned a corner, realized I was just allowing myself to absorb too much negativity and it made me miserable and it had to stop. I woke the next morning feeling so much relief. No more waiting, no more wondering, no more bullshit. My mood immediately improved, I woke up smiling and I haven’t had any more trouble sleeping or eating since. I feel like my happy self again, like I felt before the last 2 months happened. Now, new adventures await! And I will insure that the journey will be epic.

There’s a lesson in there I am sure. Still trying to put it into words though. Maybe it’s that I finally realized that I am worth a helluva a lot more than I gave myself credit for…and I know it now, enough to not allow myself to wait on anyone ever again. Either they’re in or they’re out; just that fucking simple! I’m going to focus on happy, not on misery, waiting or placating anyone else by trying to change myself. I am fucking fantastic just as I am – authentically, openly and honestly ME. People can take me as I am or go the fuck away. Misery loves company, I’m sure there’s a group for that on Facebook even, and I am not going to join company with misery!

People are weird. They want you to accept them and all their stuff, yet they don’t always reciprocate that same thing. And having no defensive makes one get defensive. Honesty should beget honesty in a more decent world. So, I’ve learned to believe only half of what someone says and learn more by how they act and react when it counts most. Perhaps I even dodged a bullet. Whatever the fuck it was, it wasn’t good and I didn’t need it to continue. Kind words are so difficult for some to say. Yet they want those words said to them…Yup, in today’s world people are just fucking weird, yet we all love the weirdos!

I have cut my cigg smoking down by over half in the last 2 weeks. It’s been a battle, but I’ve been staying on track regardless. I also reduced the amount of weed I was ingesting as well. I realized I was using it to avoid shit; cover feelings and to try not to feel things. Not good. Thankfully I know myself very, very well and saw my err in judgment with the weed. I make out better by reducing anyways! I will always smoke or do edibles, but I know the right and wrong use and time for it. In the meantime, I made one AWESOME triple batch of edibles. Best batch to date. I used a completely different process all the way from decarbing to the way I made the gummies. They look better, taste better and are nice and soft without being mushy or sticky! Learned some great tricks of the trade from a friend with far more experience and knowledge. If I wasn’t laying in bed typing this I would go take some pics…I’ll do that later and add them here as an update to the post.

I am on the list to get the HIV shot as soon as my doctor has it in stock. That means no more daily meds! An injection once every 6 months will keep everything in check. That makes me exuberantly happy! I changed up 2 other meds, still have to take that med daily but I’m pleased it’s working far better than what I was taking before, and no side-effects like weight gain. After the injections start I will be down to taking one pill a day – plus vitamins and supplements. That will be such a relief as I won’t have to worry about missing any doses. I rarely miss, maybe once a month, but still….misses cause tolerance build up and that is never good.

Today is a big day. My father is undergoing another heart catherization this morning. I’m sure Mom will keep us all updated…it’s fairly routine with him, he’s had several in the past. Hopefully this one will be just as routine and will give him some relief from the chest pains and worry.

Ok, it’s 6am and time to get this party started! The day is going to be nice weather-wise and I have a ton to get done around here. Feels like I always do, but that’s just not really true…I keep up, but it’s a special week. So I am doing extra things and getting my shit all into one fucking sock. hahaha. Holiday fairs start next weekend, need to be ready for those, plus I may go back to HD. I spoke to my old manager and he wants me to come back part time as soon as my transportation crisis is solved. In the meantime I have to keep doing what I’m doing and making ends meet. Going back to HD is kind of appealing, I love the construction atmosphere and the people watching!

Hey, everyone have a GREAT week! Don’t forget to make yourself happy TODAY! Do something kind, be compassionate, be empathetic, be happy as fuck!!!

Peace! ~ MB

Don’t Wait While Life Melts Away

I have insomnia tonight! It always seems like so much to do around here and it’s getting colder by the day. This is the weekend I chose to put everything away, redo some areas, move things around, sort, discard and donate stuff. I was listening to Maine Public Radio (MPR) playing their musical album of the week, it was really good too, and while listening I did some meditation then started doing some research and updating online.

Then I stumbled upon this VERY GOOD video – I even watched it twice, or rather listened mainly. “Change Your Closet, Change Your Life”– Gillian Dunn, TedXWhiteRocky.

I think this one really helped me because I am currently really cleaning my closets out and rearranging storage in my home. Doing this has a cathartic affect on me; change things and purge the junk. I want to get all of these little cumulative tasks and repairs finished before the deep cold weather sets in. Being all alone, it takes a ton of energy and planning, yet I really actually get into it and like the accomplishment feeling when I am finished and can stand back and say, “There. That’s better.”

It also reminds me that waiting for things to happen before you do something, like waiting for a special occasion to wear a certain piece of clothing, you got to think to yourself “What if ‘someday when____ never happens?” Then you’ve lost the joy for nothing while needlessly depriving yourself the pleasure and happiness you should have had while it was there? No, choose your happiness NOW, live NOW, because in that emergency moment in life the important things become very clear in your mind, you won’t remember what you were waiting for.

Yeah, as stuck as I am at this moment with some things in my life, I do know what is important to me and if I were only rich I could do what I really want to do right now, so I am just trying to be patient with life while doing the best things I can do with what I have and keeping myself. I don’t want to let the candle melt…dammit. Life is happening right now, TODAY. Go get it. Wear the stilettos, the good boots, the dress, the new suit, and treat yourself good. Make yourself happy with what makes you happy. Small actions can lead to big things, it’s up to each of us to make it a life we enjoy for ourselves.

I hope you all enjoy this video. I know it’s a little long, but it’s worth it believe me! Hell, I even saved it in my video folders on my channel, so I can remind myself that we can change our lives to be better for us and for the world around us.

I’m off to sleepyville I hope. Damn, I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in I can’t tell you how long. I tend to sleep 2 hour increments and never before 2am lately. It’s actually extra late – or early depending on how you look at it – it’s 3:47am…yeah, time to crash!!

Peace ~ MB

Understanding

I woke up in a pretty damned good mood this morning. Then I had my weekly therapy appointment at 10am. It went excellent today. I learned quite a few important things.

Firstly, I am very solid in my recovery. As bad as I have been feeling and struggling as of late with personal relationship issues I never once have reached back to my previous habit, slipped or regressed in my recovery. THAT is major. And it’s something I am proud of and that makes me feel much better about what I have to offer the world and other people.

We talked about how any crisis in any relationship usually equals potential growth opportunities for those involved if they want it to. There are revelations and lessons in the ways that each of us responds; lessons for ourselves individually as well as the ideal opportunity to grow together as a couple and add another brick to the foundation.

Also recognizing the reaction of a trauma survivor, often a victim of some form of former abuse by someone close to them – either from childhood or young adulthood – and understanding what triggers the protective withdrawal response the person has is important and must be understood. This is something I definitely recognize.

Also, I can’t be the “rescuer” in any situation. Because of who I am, my experiences and understandings, I am more of the “coach” mentality and less of the rescuer mentality. I like to see people grow and learn and free themselves – not need me to free them, instead maybe just need some compassion, understanding and guidance from me as an outside source to their healing. A support, a coach and someone who can empower someone else, someone they can trust and lean into for support.

It’s not my job to tell anyone how to grow from an experience, I can only offer myself as being there for the person and being willing to help them -and myself – learn from a difficult scenario, possibly to bring each to a better, higher understanding. Some get stuck in the modes of feelings and feel helpless or unable to change anything or get out of the space of that bad feeling on their own. Being a supportive mentor, listener and sort of “coach” is what I can do best, due to who I am.

It’s somewhat natural for me to want to “fix” everything for someone I love sometimes. Especially if she is a real giver, doer and puts herself out there often for others. When she’s not feeling appreciated for all she does she tends to withdraw or abandon things because maybe she feels unworthy or abandoned herself because no one was there to help when she needed it. See, I can’t “rescue” her from those internalized emotional responses and feelings. I can only help her acknowledge them, try to work through them and be there for her; letting her know I am there and want to help her. It’s then up to her, in her own time and mind, to accept me – or not – back into her life. Either way, I have to respect her decisions.

We all have to learn to create new, healthier ways of dealing with trauma triggers – which many of us subconsciously hold. I know I have mine for sure, but I try to stay aware of their destructiveness. Continuing the often self-destructive emotional ride of punishment can lead to other issues in other areas of life, depression, suicidal tendencies, eating disorders, and other unhealthy self-abuse. That is why we want to use the crisis as an opportunity to grow and learn.

I managed to continue with my own self-care and commitment to my recovery despite the stressful and somewhat personally traumatic circumstances of the last few weeks. That’s pretty damned good. My old ways of dealing with these things no longer serve me. My new ways are far more healthy and give me the strength and commitment to deal better with difficult situations that may come up in my future. That was the way I used to deal with my own trauma experiences and I changed it, so yes, this is good!

So, that’s some of what we discussed in my session today. It was perhaps the best one I have had in a few months. My therapist said I had to get to a place mentally where I could “see” these things more clearly and understand them. She was very encouraging and I felt great leaving her office. And I’ve actually come to look forward to my weekly sessions now as well, they’re definitely good for me and making me a better person.

Thought I would write this down while it was fresh in my mind. I have more reading to do and things to think about. Life is flying by fast! I need to make sure I don’t use my time to think about things the wrong way. I need to do things as right as I am able! I have to live my best life and be happy with who I am.

Peace! ~~ MB

Be Part of the Solution: Stand UP, Speak OUT!

Here in the USA the news reporters are talking about the “national anxiety” level most nights, kind of in addition to the weather report.

It’s torture to listen to the daily news now. We suffer not only from high anxiety, but also from Trump fatigue. You cannot escape it. He’s managed to turn our lives upside down.

Many people choose not to watch news because it stresses us out. I completely understand that perspective, but myself, I HAVE to watch. I HAVE to know what the hell is going on so that I am prepared and ready as things get worse – and unfortunately the situation with our current fake President will get worse; he will continue his path of destruction and stoke more and more hate. We must be prepared and we must continue to band together and fight against this corrupt administration and take our country back. It will take decades to heal and repair the damage done, but we must do it regardless of the discomfort and pain we will experience.

My girlfriend asks me what she can do. She’s a super busy woman, raising a special needs child and running her own practice. It’s difficult for her to find the time to take care of everything she must do as it is. So, for her and others who may have little time I am going to lay out a few things they CAN do that will require minimal time and effort, but will make an impact and keep the wheels of Democracy turning for the future of our Republic.

Join (and financially support as you are able) one, or three groups fighting for causes that you believe in. Whether it be voicing your opinion on women’s reproductive rights by supporting your local Planned Parenthood – or one in a state or locality where it is badly needed.

Some you may want to consider are:

Planned Parenthood Action Fund. From the White House to the Supreme Court, our basic rights are at risk. Defend reproductive health and rights wherever they’re under attack. Defending Women’s Rights. Women’s Health & Rights. Act. No Matter What. Fighting Extremist Laws. Types: Birth Control, Health Care Equality, Voting Rights. Link

Human Rights Campaign. The Human Rights Campaign represents a force of more than 3 million members and supporters nationwide. As the largest national lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer civil rights organization, HRC envisions a world where LGBTQ people are ensured of their basic equal rights, and can be open, honest and safe at home, at work and in the community. Visit them and join at HRC.org

DLCC – Democratic Legislative Campaign Committee We elect local Democrats to statehouses across America.

Stand Up America – a grassroots group of millions of US citizens fighting the Trump agenda that is destroying America. Here’s the link. StandUpAmerica

GLSEN – Supporting youth in the LGBT community. This link will take you to their Safe Space kit,

Planned Parenthood Official Site Planned Parenthood Federation of America is a nonprofit organization that provides sexual health care in the United States and globally.

Democratic National Committee – find your local office and volunteer, write letters, send emails and texts to your representatives. They provide many templates and ideas.

Moms Demand Action working to end gun violence. This is a FAVORITE of mine, dear to my heart. Join this group, please! They are holding “August Recess Rally” around the country on August 18th – in hundreds of cities in all 50 states. They are the strongest anti-gun organization right now. The group started after the Sandyhook murders. Even if you don’t go to their rallies, at least you will know what’s happening with common sense gun reform around the country.

What else can we each do to help our country fight corruption, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia and to make America the safe, loving, receptive space for all of us???

Local elections are important to YOU and government STARTS at the local level.

Get to know your local representatives, Congressmen/women, Sentators, county reps, Mayors, Govenors, and those with political clout in your own state, county and city. Your state, county and town/city NEED you and WANT to hear your voice! If you don’t like how things are done where you live – change it! Become a candidate, join a campaign, volunteer, write and email your reps, get to KNOW their stances/positions on the issues like reproductive rights, gun reform, immigration, jobs, climate change, preservation of our national parks, and corporate welfare programs. Without our voices telling them what we want they are left to their own devices -which is NEVER good!!!

Yard signs, bumper stickers, posters in the workplace, etc. are all good things to do as well. Use your social media accounts to let us know you are concerned; you care and you are mad as hell that things have gotten to this point. You don’t have to post political stuff all the time like I do quite often, but maybe put a VoteBlue2020 hashtag on some posts, use interesting backgrounds that you can often get from the above sites. Be creative.

So, my “list” is just a smattering of what is out there. I will update this as time goes on, but I wanted to get this post up and hopefully help some of you get more involved without too much stress. The above are all good, solid organizations working for the good of America and all of us. Even if you don’t have a lot of time once you check out a site, sign up for their alerts and for them to send you information to keep you up to date on the important issues you can pick and choose what is feasible for you to do and become part of the solution to ending the insanity here in the USA.

Not everyone is cut out to follow and participate in politics like I am. And some of us, like me, are FURIOUS with the destruction taking place with Trump and his cronies in office. I don’t expect everyone to be as involved as I am, but you should KNOW the basics of what’s happening – before it’s too late. And you MUST vote!!! Always be aware of when and where your polling place IN YOUR AREA!!! Register to vote, if you are not already registered. And if you are a woman, did you know that if EVERY woman in America voted we could RULE this country EASILY. That’s a FACT.

Basically, just be a little bit more aware. Try not to stress yourself out, but don’t be complacent either. Do what you are ABLE to do and know that that’s enough. Leave the harder stuff for those of us who are crazy enough and have enough time on our hands to DO the footwork and the harder things. We are all in this together. Support each other, love each other and know that we CAN change things. Be a pebble in the pond…cause ripples that may just turn into gigantic waves!

Vote Democratic in the 2020 election. #VOTEBlue2020 !!!

I do hope that this resonates with you and helps those looking to become more involved. I’m always looking for more good suggestions / actions. So, if you want drop me a line at MainelyButch@yahoo.com or OneAngryAmerican2019@yahoo.com I would love to hear from other politically active women and about your local hot-button issues.

Peace ~ and remember…ALWAYS BE KIND! ~ MainelyButch aka Ang

Confrontation…sucks.

I’ve been up all night dealing with a very stressful, emotional and frustrating situation here in my home. Let me start by telling you all that I am not good at confrontation. There’s history with me and confrontation…history that goes all the way back to early childhood if I am truthful, which I always aim to be!

I don’t believe that anyone likes confrontation, when you must directly deal with a person verbally, in person, about a subject or issue that you most likely disagree on or one of you has a problem with. For instance, when I was a kid and I did something out of line I knew that I would have to face my father, a former US Marine and police officer. Those were my first dealings with confrontation. I generally lost and the lectures could be brutal.

When I moved out of my parents’ house at 18, a week after graduation, to move in with my then “boyfriend” you KNOW that caused some serious ill feelings. I was raised old-school. No sex before marriage. No living together before marriage. Etc. I was starting to grow angry with people by this point and I was speaking my mind; fighting back.

Then I started to drink at 19…I would get into arguments, fist-fights and verbal boxing matches; all just various forms of human confrontation.

I out grew the rowdiness of my early 20’s after a few years. I quit drinking (I was one who did not NEED alcohol, it just made me mean and into a total asshole at times). When I quit drinking at 32 I got into counselling, talk therapy on a weekly basis. My temper got much better as I learned the reasons behind some of my anger with the world and with certain people in my sphere. I learned to use tools of conversation, discussion, cooperation and compromise. I became a MUCH better person and learned how to deal with people in a much more mature and civil way. Still, I did not like confrontation and would avoid it if possible.

I spent the last 2-3 days in my room at my home with the door closed. I came out to eat, us the bathroom and tend the dogs. They stayed with me, of course. They wouldn’t have it any other way. I needed to think. I needed to be alone. I had to deal with my best friend about her plan going forward now that she has had her knee replaced and has gotten on disability so she has an income. She’s been staying with me for months, and prior to her staying here I was doing many things to help her survive without an income. I was happy to do it as she is my best friend. I let her stay here, with her cat, believing at first that it was to help her through a bad spot. It started as a temporary thing. Her plan was to go to rehab and then move in with her son. That never materialized.

She had her knee replaced a month ago. She had been dealing with not being able to use it for years, and then in November 2018 she ended up in the hospital for about 6 weeks with a major infection in the knee area that ate 2 inches of her shin bone, the knee (what was left of it by then) and did lots of damage. The infection was so serious that she had to be hospitalized and IVed with heavy-duty antibiotics. When she got out of the hospital I brought her here because she could not navigate stairs at her own house, had no heat, no running water and was on borrowed time before the electric got cut off. The house was also in default, so it wasn’t going to be hers much longer. Thus, I didn’t mind having her here; taking care of her and helping her through the recovery.

I helped her apply for disability and insurance. Finally a month ago she had the bad knee replaced with a titanium one, and rods inserted in both the shin bone and the thigh bone to pull it all together. It was a pretty successful surgery and she’s healing well. She’s not doing her physical therapy though, which aggravates the hell out of me. Her knee won’t last long or work very well without the therapy. She’s not making a good choice by forgoing it.

So, I’ve been at this for about a year now. And lately it’s been on my mind that she really needs to find a permanent place to live. Rent a room from someone in town or something. She really only needs a room as that’s where she spends 90% of her time. A room in a house with access to the bathroom and kitchen. That would be perfect for her and easy enough to find. But I doubt she will even look for one.

Tonight she got on me asking why I was in my room and so quiet. I had wanted to wait to sit down with her and have a nice conversation; explain to her what I was feeling and what I needed and what I expected from her. Finally , I told her. I need to get my space back and she needs to find a permanent place to live. Sleeping on the couch in my back sunroom just is not a permanent thing and was never intended to be from the beginning.

We get along great. I’ve loved having her here and loved helping her out. I love her cat. It’s been very nice. It’s just that I don’t want it to be permanent. She needs to get out on her own and get back to taking care of herself. She needs to find a room, get a used car, take care of her outstanding business and get back to living her own life. She lived alone for years in her big old house, right up until the infection in her knee where she had to be hospitalized. She couldn’t go back to that house then because of the lacking facilities. And I didn’t mind helping her out; best friends DO that kind of stuff.

I am very frustrated with how it went. She didn’t take it well. Didn’t even let me finish talking to her. All she heard was “move” and she shut down completely. Wouldn’t have a rational conversation with me about it. Wouldn’t let me fully explain or tell her my ideas of a plan to help her get this done. She raged and cried. Then she flipped me off and told me I wasn’t her mother. I didn’t understand and I got ANGRY at that point; all civil conversation, negotiation and discussion went up in smoke at that moment. Our voices were both raised and we were both frustrated and angry with one another. It was obvious that we had very different visions of the future.

Because she IS my bestie and I love her like a very close sister, I do not relish the idea of her cutting me out of her life over this. I do not see this as so drastic that we have to remain angry and not speak to each other ever again, resulting in the death of our close bond and wonderful friendship. I understand that she wants to continue to live here. I gave her an option of renting my spare room from me, but she insists that she can’t possibly handle paying that much rent. I won’t even go into the amount, just let me say it’s everything except food, personal toiletries, and cell phone costs…and it’s very reasonable. I know what she will start receiving in SSDI benefits and I know it’s completely do-able, leaving her plenty of cash for incidentals over the month. Hell, I do it on LESS than what she gets! You just have to be creative, smart and active in making it happen for yourself. Hell, I was making it happen for BOTH of us for a LONG ASS TIME! Give me a break, she could easily make it work if she just put her mind into it and TRIED or even made the CHOICE to TRY and COMMIT herself to DOING IT for HERSELF! I have all the confidence in her that she CAN do this, she just has to WANT to do it. Plain and simple.

I wanted to sit down -back hiding in my room – and write about this immediately. I had to get it out of my head and make sure I am not being unreasonable. I suggested she take the next SIX weeks to pull everything together – plent of time for anyone! And I also offered my assistance with anything I could help with during her search for the right arrangement.

She didn’t want to hear any of it. Stubborn. Irrational. Stupid. That’s how she’s acting currently. I do hope she will think about this and adopt a better, more winning attitude. This isn’t the end of the world, it’s just a change that has to happen in her life. I should have thought the whole thing through and made sure she understood that I didn’t want this to be an on-going thing. I want my zen room back. I want my privacy back and I want my bestie to visit and hangout like we used to – each living in our own places. Hind-sight is 20/20 they say. I’m sorry it ended up in a battle. I hope we can discuss it civilly at some point. Of course, she says she’s moving out immediately; going to Crossroads, the homeless shelter…maybe she said that just to evoke some pity, maybe she’s serious. Its a damned shame if she is serious. She’s better than this, she’s smart and resourceful and can easily deal with this if she’ll just put herself out there and DO IT. No one can do this for her. Time to get back on her own, like we all strive to be; self-sufficient and proud.

Anyway, that was my night. I hated it. I wish I had waited like I planned, but she badgered me about it and I had to tell her my request tonight. I guess we will see what happens now. I want the best for her. I hope she makes good, solid decisions for herself As she said, I’m NOT her mother, son, or wife. And she’s not any of those things to me. While I felt bad that her family wouldn’t help her out with a place to live, so I stepped in, but I did my part. I did all I could do for her and now it’s time for her to get back out there and reclaim her life. I know she can do it. I wish her the very best and I will be here if she wants to talk, wants my help with moving or wants any advice about anything I can assist with now.

Some days (and nights) just don’t pan out like you expect them to. This was one of them.

I need some SLEEP and to collect my thoughts. I might even call my therapist and make an appointment. I need a mental tune up after last night. Really bad.

Hope you are all doing well! Peace!!! ~MB

#YouAreEnough Challenge Day 2-5

Due to the mid-term elections and my obsession with them, I have not kept up with the 30-day challenge #YouAreEnough.  I am about to do days 2, 3, 4, and 5 here.

Day 2: A special encounter that almost felt like an angelic experience.  An interesting thing to think about.  I once got into a taxi in Gaithersburg MD after working painting a house that day and the taxi driver was an older white gentleman.  I was a bit down and he seemed to notice and struck up a conversation with me.  The 20-minute ride really made me think, he seemed very intuitive to my plight – I was struggling with whether I would stay in DC or move back to Maine at the time.  He gave me some good advice.  The next day I needed a taxi so I called the same company and requested him…they told me they had no one by that name working for them…I swear this guy was an angel in disguise.

 Day 3: Share a time you felt lost and how you got found.   When I left the military in September of 1984 I never realized how difficult it would be for me to reintegrate into civilian society.  I had a really tough time adjusting and was very lost. I drank heavily, got my first DWI within 2 weeks of my discharge, resulting in a broken leg and a concussion plus loss of my license and dignity. By January of 1985, I was miserable. I missed the Army, the organization and always knowing what was expected of me. I missed the discipline and at 22 I still NEEDED that discipline in my life. I re-enlisted for 2 more years of active reserve duty. I was legally in the reserves, I just got them to assign me to duty that I had to report to every day for a couple of years. Once I put that uniform back on I refound myself and my purpose for that time. In 1986 I finished and the second time I didn’t look back, but I do wish today that I had stayed in and done 25 years.  I would have been finished and collecting a nice pension right now.  Hindsight is 20/20.

Day 4: Share a time you received life-altering news, good or bad, that impacted your life.  It was August 31, 1992, I went back to the clinic where I had gone to be tested for HIV – everyone was being tested at the time, so I figured what the hell and got myself tested (also at the urging of my therapist at the time).  The counselor saw me come in and quickly got me into a private space where she blurted out “I’m so sorry, you are HIV positive”.  I will never forget that day, those words, or her pained look when she told me. Come to find out I was the first woman she had had to tell they were positive. Back in 92 we still didn’t have good drugs to suppress the virus and stop it from becoming AIDS. My entire life changed during that minute. I felt like I had an expiration date stamped on my forehead.  Since then I have come great strides. It’s been 26 years, I am happy, healthy and my viral count is Zero – undetectable – meaning the virus is not active in my body and the drug cocktail I take every day is working well. I am lucky. I lost many friends early in the discovery of this epidemic. I still miss them and grieve for the lives that they missed because of this horrible disease. I fondly remember the days before we knew anything about HIV/AIDS and how wild and crazy they were. I live a safe, sane life now and I take care of myself and my loved ones because in the end, that’s all you really have in this life.

Day 5: Share a time when you felt unimaginable loss and how you came to realize that you were ENOUGH to handle it.  The only thing I can relate to this one is the break up of my 14 yr relationship with my ex. I never thought we would split; I seriously thought we’d be together to the end. So, life without her and without all that was entailed – the farm, the horses, the animals, and the money – seemed very foreign to me. It took me a couple of years to adjust to my new circumstance of being single and having to look at rebuilding my life as such. I went through all of the emotions, from grief to anger to acceptance and then I moved on and have put together a pretty comfortable life for myself today. I dated a few other women along the way and last year I found the right woman to compliment my life.

There! I am now caught up. I will write the Day 6 blog after dinner tonight.  I hope you enjoyed this quick one, as there will be more coming!

#youareenough

Peace!  ~  MB

Fleeting Thoughts…that hang around…

I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately; deep thinking, light thinking, silly stuff, and just plain random shit runs through my mind in a constant flow of factoids and ponderings.  Most of it has been the result of changing anti-depressant medication.  Whoa…I didn’t know it would be this rough!  My dreams have been off-the-charts wild as fuck.

Every day is not rainbows, I know. Some days just suck, but we struggle through them toward that time when we lay our heads down at night, close our eyes and hope tomorrow is even a tiny bit better.  We use the resources available to us and we figure it out somehow.  That’s being human.  That’s just part of being alive and living life.

I can be a little complex at times.  I have walked a few different trails in my life and of course, I am the sum of those experiences.  What happens to us sometimes defines us in very specific ways.  I have been thinking about that a lot the last couple of weeks.  Who I am and why I am, crazy shit like that.

My girl is long distance, which has its own set of fucked up challenges.  I miss her all the time, but this is how it works for us.  It’s not perfect, but I love her and don’t want to stop.  She’ll be here for 4 days in a month, I’m so in need of her visit!  Being with her just makes me feel so much better; relaxed and happy.  It’s very hard not being able to be there for her when she might need me.  I can only do so much over the phone, Skype and text…which frustrates the fuck outta me at times.

She works so hard and is managing her daughter with special needs getting to and from school, daycare, feedings, etc…it’s all a LOT for her.  She has some help there, I know, but I still wish like hell I could be there.  I naturally worry about HER health and well-being during all that goes on in her days.  I encourage her to eat and take care of herself, but the stress on her is pretty formidable right now and I feel the tension in her voice.

There are moments when I wonder if managing a relationship with me doesn’t just make things that much harder for her. But I know that we love each other and I couldn’t – or won’t – stop now.  I’ve committed myself to her and will just continue to try to bring good things to her life; make memorable contributions as I can.

Sure, I have my insecurities and I tend to over-think sometimes.  She is very into the “in the moment” mind space. Sometimes that throws me a bit.  I like to think forward a little.  And being a writer and a lover of words, I sometimes either read or interpret their meanings incorrectly.  It has caused me a bit of angst on more than one occasion, and we’ve dealt with it.

Sometimes I’m afraid of loving her so much.  Sometimes I feel a little in the way.  I love her so deeply and really try to keep things calm and focused for her.  The less drama on my end the better, so I stay very chill and think things through.

I’m starting to ramble; my head is so full of stuff lately, and the med changes aren’t helping me much.  Today I was on the verge of tears for a couple of hours after having a negative experience at the pharmacy and with my prescriptions.  It aggravated me so much I drove angrily home with tears in the corners of my eyes.  I hate feeling that way.  Maybe it IS easier just not to feel at all.