My Brain on Over-drive

November 2019

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Fuck. It kind of crept up on me this year as I wasn’t really paying attention. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, yet it will be somewhat good to spend a bit of time with my biological family. They all mean well and I do love them dearly – most of them. I only hope that the blue / red division won’t come into play. I hope no one is out to trigger anyone else with political bullshit. I hope it’s peaceful, loving and fun. No drama. And I hope that for ALL of YOU out there in the world!

This is so true of my feelings for sure! MB

I woke up this morning feeling a little out of sorts, confused and anxious. I don’t see my doctor until a couple of days before my birthday in January. I think I need a med adjustment, or change, something just isn’t working any longer. I’ve been doing some research and I think that I will wean off of the Wellbutrin and increase the Cymbalta dosage. I did pretty good on the higher dose of that previously, without any other anti-depressant added. I want to go back to a single anti-d med. So, yeah, that’s my plan. I hope my new doctor will hear me out and help me make that change.

I believe that in 2020 the injection for HIV suppression will be available to those of us living with this fucked up virus. I am on my doctor’s primary list to be given this injection as soon as it’s available to us. It’s been super successful in trials and is almost there with final approvals by the powers that be. I’ll be happy not to be taking pills every morning to maintain my zero viral load status!

With only 5 weeks left in 2019 I have begun to put together some plans and ideas for 2020, from books I want to read to places I plan to visit. I’ve just begun the process. I’m starting a vision board and I just started a new adventures notebook to memorialize the year. I don’t like to do much for “long-term” planning, so I keep it simple. I don’t plan out exact dates or exact routes, motels, or make any type of itinerary for an adventure. That’s why it’s an “adventure” and not a planned out visit. My ex-wife used to actually create and print out an itinerary for every trip we took together – and there were many! It drove me crazy, but I smiled and went along with it generally. One trip we took I actually threw the itinerary out the car window in the middle of the mountains in Arizona…she wasn’t pleased, but she already had it memorized anyway. That trip was awesome as fuck and I have tons of great memories from those 10 days.

A few of my ideas/plans thus far are:

  • Four road trips, one during each season of 2020 to be planned around the weather and conditions at the time and in the places I’ll be cruising. Some are going to be Minnesota, Utah, Florida & Texas. Plus a trip across Maine on Old Canada Road, Rte 201.
  • Two long hikes. This I’ve already started gearing up for. I need to be in better physical condition and healthy as I can be when I embark on these adventures. One will be part of the Appalacian Trail, which I have done portions of in the past and loved it. Both are planned to be 3 day adventures.
  • One adventure to Canada. I think I will enter at Niagra Falls (for convenience) and head to Toronto. I have a couple of LGBT friends near Toronto who I would love to see in 2020.
  • Museum of Natural History in NYC, I’ll also go to Ellis Island and visit Ground Zero.

I just had a shitload of work done on my car – not fun – so I know it’s in top shape for long runs. I’ve set up a special account for saving funds for these things, which is going well thus far. The car repairs set it back a bunch, but it had to be done. The car is overall in good shape albeit high mileage at 204K but the mechanic looked it all over thoroughly and he says she’s fine for long distance cruising. Unfortunately, one cannot avoid those kinds of things that seem to happen when you can least afford it – car, furnace or other big expense home stuff. I usually manage somehow, this time was a bitch but I pulled the fucking rabbit out of the hat once again. Thanks to side hustles and Yankee ingenuity.

Nola and Lulu have been great. Lu is silly as usual and going through one of her twice yearly sheds right now. She looks like a pretty ugly long-haired Chihuahua right now. I give her hair and skin supplements and it should grow back in very nicely – it did last time! But in the meantime she’s looking awkward to say it mildly! Nola is just Nola. Stodgy old gal she is. I got this awesome photo of them which I am having framed once the print arrives. Going to do an “assembly” buy at Micheals, it’s way less expensive than just ordering it to be framed. My sister the photographer clued me in on this method. So, I get the frame, matt and photo then take it all to the framing counter and ask for them to assemble it. They do it beautifully I am told, with a nice backing and including hanging hardware and it’s half the price. Here’s the picture…it’s my favorite shot ever taken of them together. Nelson Linscott, very kindly, digitally enhanced it for me.


October 2019

Gummy production has been going spectacular. I couldn’t be happier about that little endeavor of mine. My awesome recipe is all the rave with my customers. They like it way better than last summer’s first round try – which came out awesome and was a great first round learning experience. Someone else actually did the cooking last time though, and this time I did it myself with the new method and recipe. I educated myself in depth about how to make them commercial grade, less sticky, and the right milligram desired. And this batch, instead of translucent, is solid colored and much softer, more flavorful. And they are not sticky. I also learned not to keep them refrigerated, it’s not necessary unless you use real fruit juice, in which case they will mold. Keeping them sealed and in a place that’s just room temperature is fine. This batch here is lime. I am set up to manufacture both orange and cherry flavors this weekend, with another supply of product grown myself.

It’s been a hard fall losing friends unfortunately. On this last Monday my old friend Tractor Bob, who had been sick for years battling cancers, died peacefully at home. I used to call him a “hosta” because nothing seemed to phase him or kill him off – and he went through some pretty traumatic crap during the last years of his life, but he kept on getting back up and fighting. I’m going to miss him, but I am relieved that his pain is gone and he’s at peace.

I also lost another couple of old friends / acquaintances to drug overdoses, which I see as so uselessly tragic. I’m so glad that I got out of that whole scene a few years back now and I have no inclination to return to that crap ever. I’ve made it through some very difficult things without reaching for dope to deal with it, so I ‘m pretty proud of the strength I have in me now. It’s also thanks to some very good friends and my mom’s support and encouragement that I’ve stayed clean, that’s a fact that is not lost on me. I lost my best friend even to that crap. I had to 86 her from my life on July 3rd and while I hope she’s doing okay wherever she is now, I just can’t be around people who use like that anymore. Too bad, 2019 was a year of some pretty painful losses for me, but I survived and I’ve learned. It’s all about the lessons I suppose. (That’s bullshit).

I have to go get myself looking decent now for a pre-game get together tonight. Often a few of us get together the night before Thanksgiving. Although my brain wants to just stay home and write more tonight, I need to go and be social. I’ve been hiding from people far too much lately and I realize it, so I need to fix that right away. At least I’m not reconnecting with toxic people – aka my ex-bestie – which is always a risk when a person in recovery gets lonely. I’m not THAT fucking lonely! hahaha. I get out a lot, just not to hang out with anyone in particular. Generally it’s to the beach or Vaughn Woods to hike with my dogs, or to town to do errands, but that doesn’t count as “socializing” I am told! So, off i go! Hope you all have an enjoyable T-giving eve! Take it easy on the wine and spirits, and have a great time! Hugs to all.

Gobble. ~ MB

Way back memories..

…turned on the tv tonight and saw k.d. lang was on Maine Public…the Ingenue re-do concert from San Antonio, along with an interview with her…

Here’s the video trailer

And this is her and Melissa Etheridge in 1994…now THIS is the stuff I remember; going to these concerts, raising holy hell…fuck yeah. Of course, when they did this duet I was only 32…damn, to look that young again…My hair was about the same as k.d.’s back then too.  80’s and 90’s memories are pretty intense, and lots of fun for the most part.

This time of year brings up lots of old memories. I see various commercials that remind me of things gone by; of people and the historical events of my past. Some nostalgic moments and some that I’d rather not have in the old memory banks, yet there they linger.

My favorite childhood Christmas memory is from the year my parents gave me and my sister, Deb, a fully set up aquarium with fish and all the fixing! They got it and set it up under the kitchen sink to get it ready for fish, then they got the fish and kept it running under there without us two ever finding out before Christmas morning when they surprised us with the beautiful fish tank. It was like 1967 and we lived in an upstairs apartment of a duplex in Poughkeepsie New York, not far from Vassar Brothers Hospital, where my siblings, the twins, were born in June of ’68.

Memories make up the history of who we were; where we came from and what we experienced in life that led us to be who we are today. Good and bad, they all intertwine to compose each of us as individuals.

What is your favorite childhood Christmas memory?

Peace ~ MB

A Very Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas Eve….it’s been a truly beautiful day in my world.  Tonight I am winding down and feeling very lucky and happy about everything.  I have been trying to get a post up on this blog all week, but most are half written rants about politics or other topics.  Tonight I just wanted to stop in here and wish all of my readers a very Merry Christmas, for all who celebrate, and a Happy Hanukka to my Jewish readers.  Whatever your holiday, I wish you the VERY best of peace and love!  It’s an amazing time of year where we all put love and family ahead of most everything else.  Too bad we don’t do it more often!

I made my Christmas very differently this year.  I decided back in October that I would celebrate and enjoy my holiday season this year.  I did not want any negativity – despite what is happening in America – and I refused to let it affect my Christmas festivities.

I decorated my house nicely; put up a sweet Christmas tree in front of the big bay window in my living room.  I put the little green fireplace next to it and sat a cute little Santa sculpture on top.  I placed a poinsettia in the kitchen.  Put up a card tree and strung it with a mini-string of lights.  Yes, I really did it up this year.  And it felt terrific!

I managed to do my shopping over the last several months, picking up a gift or two here and there when I had the money.  That way I wasn’t stretched too thin close to the actual holiday.  I got something for each person on my list, and even stuffed a stocking for my bestie.  I got the dogs both a few little “dog gifts” and everything looked wonderful all wrapped and under my tree.

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Today, Christmas Eve day, I got up and made some coffee and fed the dogs.  After they came back inside from their morning romp in the backyard, I got them all excited to open their presents.  They had a blast!  Two little wiggly dogs, all full of excitement and helping me rip the paper off their presents.  They got balls, a new bath towel, a new food mat, half a dozen new “stuffies” each and treats galore!  Spoiled rotten they are!

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This afternoon I took my bestie’s gifts over to her, she was home sick with a really bad cold.  We hung out for a little while, and I invited her over to supper.  She took a nap after I left, but did manage to make it over.  I got her settled on the other couch and took care of her for a couple of hours; making her dinner and setting her up with a new regimen of vitamins and supplements to try to help her feel better.  She’s been contending with some depression and is really having a difficult time lately.  We are both in recovery, and sometimes I think she struggles with that more than I do.

She told me she hasn’t been coming around because she’s been so down and out that she didn’t want ME to feel that way too!  Problem is that when she does that I think she’s blowing me off…and that’s not good.  I appreciate her trying to protect me, but I want our friendship to be one where she feels comfortable being around me no matter what’s going on with us.  We both have our struggles, and we should be able to talk about anything as friends.   We talked a lot about this today and I hope we have cleared it up and things will be better between us.  She really means a lot to me; it’s like we are sisters.

Tomorrow, Christmas Day, I will do the early morning shift at work.  It will probably be pretty slow as most people will be home with their families having Christmas morning.  I only have to work 4 hours, then I will change clothes and head up to spend Christmas Day with my family at my parents’ house.  I’m aiming for a political conversation free day; hopefully no one will mention politics.  My family is divided over these issues, so it can get a bit heated in that respect.  Most all of my family will be there, except my youngest brother and his wife and kids, who have gone snowmobiling and rented a cabin down Maine.  Nola and Lulu will unfortunately have to stay home tomorrow, and I am feeling a twinge of guilt because of that.  I will try to be home by 3pm-4pm for them.  By that time I will have had plenty of family time and Christmas festivity!
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Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!

Peace.   !MB

 

 

I’m In a Festive Mood! Christmas 2017

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Fa La La, La la, la la laaaa….Yes, the Christmas season is in full swing, with Christmas day now only 2 weeks away!  I am completely into it this year, and loving every minute!  I got my tree up early, and have been decorating a little more every day.

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This afternoon I added a pretty silver wire, spiral Christmas card tree, to which I added a string of pretty colored lights!  I have that in the middle of the dining room table now, and it’s already got a few sweet cards on it!  I love getting Christmas cards almost as much as I love making them out and sending them — which will be part of tonight’s activity!

Today Nola and Lulu received a “Bark Box” in the mail.  I found it on the front porch in front of the door when I got home from grocery shopping and getting my haircut.

I always feel terrific after a good haircut!  It wasn’t out of control, but it needed to be tightened up some, and edged out nicely.  I had it done today at Supercuts, by a woman named Cathy.  She did a pretty good job and was very pleasant while doing it.  It wasn’t my favorite barbershop today, but it was fine and I’m pleased.  I really didn’t have time to drive all the way up to the Boston Barber’s barbershop that I usually use, plus it was starting to snow, so I went to the back-up – Supercuts!  They’re priced reasonably, and they also do waxing so I am able to get my eyebrows done at the same time.  That is one service that the barbershop doesn’t offer, that they should!  It’s the only way to keep decent looking eyebrows!

I also picked up a couple of new button down shirts and two new ties today.  I have a couple of Christmas parties coming up and want to look half-way decent for them.  I’ll be going stag of course.  Although, you can’t say I didn’t try, I did ask a woman to accompany me to one of the parties, but it doesn’t look like that will pan out.  She lives a bit of a drive away from me (about 3.5 hr drive), and she’s nervous about coming up.  While I would have really loved to have her company for the party, and perhaps the weekend, I get that it’s a long drive to be around people she doesn’t yet know.

That particular party is at my youngest brother’s house.  It’s generally family and friends of the family, as well as personal friends of him and his wife.  It’s a pretty big party, and we have a massive, rousing game of  Yankee Swap!  I always enjoy the party because it’s a lot of great food, really cool people, and a very festive atmosphere.  Sets the holiday in the right light for me.  I generally will go and stay for about 2 hours, then go and drive around a couple of the local towns to see the Christmas lights, culminating with a ride by the Nubble Light House in York Beach…which is just stunning, as you can see by the photo below.

Nubble Christmas 2017

Next Saturday is the Wreath’s Across America event here in York.  We are laying 1100 wreaths on veteran’s graves at the cemetery in York Maine at 11:30.  I am volunteering, as are many other locals, especially veterans.  It will be an honor for me to participate this year.  I am looking forward to it.  Below is a photo of one of this year’s trucks hauling wreaths through here to other cities south of us….they all originate way, way up in the top of Maine and distribute the wreaths to cemeteries across the country.  It’s a huge undertaking and a wonderful Christmas memorial for our veterans.

(Photo: Beth Delano, Kittery, ME 12/9/17)

Wreaths across America pic

Today, other than getting my haircut, I got my grocery shopping done and gassed up the truck…storm coming, those are things we do before a snowstorm here in New England!  It began to snow around 1pm, just before I got back home with everything.  Tonight, after I get this blog posted, I am going to begin wrapping gifts to put under my tree.  I get small presents for my nieces and nephew, and for my parents and siblings.  I have a really large family, so it’s quite a stretch. I have managed to get imaginative, and I think I have everyone covered.  I’m surprised I have it most all done and it’s only Dec. 9th!

After wrapping I am going to sit down at the kitchen table and make out my Christmas cards for 2017.  I love doing cards, and try to get them out before the 15th.  I’m right on schedule, and barring any unforeseen interruptions I should get them done tonight and into the mail on Monday.  I really love Christmas cards and hope they do not ever become completely obsolete.  It’s fun to get them; and its fun to send them!  If you would like a card from me send me your name and address via email and I will get you on my list!  Deal is you have to send me one in return!  🙂

OH, and I have put myself on restriction from posting anything about politics for the next 30 days…on Facebook at least.  That may not carry over to here, but I am going to try my best to stay away from political upheaval for a bit.  It’s really stressed me out and what’s happening just makes my blood boil.  I need a break from it – hell, we ALL do.  So, I have to do this.  I think it will be a good thing for me!  Too much stress during the holidays makes it less fun, and this is one stressor I can control for now.

Off to wrap and do cards…you all take care and drop me a comment…what’s your favorite parts of Christmas?  Or Hanukkah?  Or whatever winter holiday you celebrate?

Peace.    ~MB