My Weekend…good and bad

Greetings!  I want to write but don’t even know where to start…so much has been going on – both in my life and in our US news, as most of you are probably aware!

Personally, things are going very well.  I’m excited for the Christmas holiday season, and entering the New Year.  I’ve got my Christmas tree up; everything is festively decorated and it’s kinda cute.  I did it alone, as I figured would happen, but it was actually okay.  Me and the dogs had a nice day last weekend of decorating and being silly.

I adjusted my work schedule down a few hours.  I felt that I needed that mid-week day off to balance things out a bit.  And to stay good with my health and program.  Work is very accommodating and being that it’s winter here now they were fine with me dropping Wednesdays from my schedule.

Yesterday my bestie and I drove up to Portland, Maine and shopped at the Burlington Coat Factory store there.  We had a terrific time.  The drive was beautiful.  Maine really is a really beautiful state!  The store was incredible.  We don’t have one nearby, thus the drive to Portland.  I managed to get most of the rest of my shopping done, and didn’t break the bank!

The drive up and back gave me and my bestie, who hasn’t  been around much, a lot of good quality time to talk, something we really needed to do.  I’d been feeling a bit neglected and lost without her company lately.  Maybe I wasn’t being realistic, but I was feeling kind of wounded.  She just started a new job, has been working like 60 hours a week and had trouble with her phone for 3 days…so a combination of things came about that put some time between us.  We hashed it out, and everything with us is fine.  I really enjoy the support of having a best friend.  She’s a straight woman, but that hasn’t made any difference in our relationship as friends.  She gets me and I get her.  Both being in recovery, we also understand each other in ways no one else is able.

We even took Nola and Lulu for the drive to Portland.  They loved it.  We made sure to take them out of the truck a couple of times to walk them and let them stretch their stubby little legs.  All they wanted to do was BE with the two of us.  They both adore Linda as much as I do, especially Nola, she’s quite attached to her and sat in her lap the whole ride, while Lulu bounced all around the truck.  From my lap, to LInda’s to the back seat, to my lap again….she LOVES to ride in my lap, or curled up in the crook of my right arm as I drive with my left.

Today I got up and took the dogs for a nice walk.  I had plans to clean house, relax, cook and wrap some gifts to put under the tree.  Shortly after 10am my plans kind of changed.  My cousin called and wanted to hang out at my house.  So, he came over.  Well, it turned out that he needed company – and badly.

Today was the anniversary of the death of his girlfriend of 3 years.  Two years ago today she stood in front of him when he came in his front door and shot herself in the head.  Right in front of him.  He’s so tortured by it still.  He obviously has some serious PTSD and emotional agony from witnessing her take her own life in such a bloody, messy manner – in their apartment.  The poor guy spent some time in the hospital afterwards, of course, trying to cope with it.  But today really set him off…his PTSD was super bad, and he cried, got angry, blamed himself (it was his personal gun she used) and tried to justify his feelings — all at once…I cannot even IMAGINE the agony going on inside that poor young man’s head.  He’s just turned 30…too young to be so screwed up by something like this.

He puts on a valiant show, tries to not let people know it’s getting to him like it is, but today he broke down…and I felt helpless.  I wanted to “fix” it…but of course, I couldn’t.  All I could do was let him know he’s loved, that I love him, and others do and that it’s okay to be sad, angry and confused, it’s fully understandable and no one thinks less of him for feeling these ways.

I get it when people want to end their lives that they will find a way to do it.  But doing it in front of someone, just to fuck up their lives too, is just ultimately CRUEL.  Her family blames him for owning the gun, but I told him she would have found a way with or without the gun if she was really bent on completing the task.  He cannot be held responsible, he treated her excellent and he thought they had a good relationship…he had no clue she would do such a thing – and to do it in front of his face, well….what can I even say?  She didn’t have to do it THAT way.

So, we cooked chili and talked all day.  Many rounds of crying and anger.  I tried to be the cool one in the room, maintaining a loving stance and attitude.  Trying to console the inconsolable.  He left, after he fell asleep in the chair in my living room for about 45 minutes, and went home…I pray he’s alright tonight.  I love the guy, and he’s a good man.

I’m tired now from the day.  Going to go curl up in my soft bed – new sheepy flannel sheets even!  And get myself some rest.  The dogs will cuddle me, and tomorrow will start a new week.

Peace.   !MB

 

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Harassment, Trump and Babble…

The weekend has been relatively uneventful.  Lots of napping with my dogs, puttering around the house at various chores like laundry and playing on the computer.  I am finding that winter – or cold weather in general – keeps my energy level down and I don’t have much motivation to do anything outside the house.  Although, I did venture out twice over the weekend.

The first trip was on Saturday morning.  I put the dog’s coats on them, packed them into the Envoy and off we went to the church Christmas fair.  I had promised my mom and the church ladies that I would check out their fair, so I did my duty and went.  I actually spent about $10 on a couple of sweet little snowmen (made by my Mom) and a pair of handmade mittens (only $2!) and some peanut butter fudge (couldn’t resist!), so I didn’t do bad.  I also stopped at the Christmas craft fair at the Lion’s club, where I found mostly jewelry being sold.  Nice stuff, but nothing I was really interested in right now.  I picked up some homemade dog cookies though, and the dogs loved them!

Sunday I ventured out after noon time.  Big mistake.  I forgot that today is the Sunday before Thanksgiving and I went to the grocery store.  It was a MAD HOUSE!  The parking lot was FULL, and the store was just INSANE!  I got my coffee K-cups, some cranberry-cinnamon goat cheese (which I LOVE) and some dog treats (can’t forget those!) made it through the crowd to the express lane check out and go the hell out of there!  The dogs, again dressed in their adorable hoodies, were waiting patiently in the truck.  Friday I had taken them to the park (Dead Duck Inn) and let Nola run her guts out while I walked around with Lulu safely leashed.  I wanted to do that again today, but it was VERY windy and cold outside.

I’ve been spending time online lately and I’ve been overwhelmed with all of the various wide-spread sexual harassment stuff.  It’s just been overload, if you ask me.  It’s like the snowball effect, and it’s growing larger by the day.  I have all these mixed up thoughts about it all.  I think that sexual harassment has become so common place in today’s world that we often overlook most of it.  Then when it becomes “THE” issue of the day, and everyone is talking about it, we see all sorts of examples of it and opinions of what we each think.  The conversation has gotten so loud that we are all talking over each other at this point.  Someone needs to write a kind of new citizens’ “code of conduct” so that there’s a baseline for what is and isn’t considered harassment.  We are certainly seeing that stuff that was tolerated in the past is no longer okay today.  There are generational differences, cultural differences and power plays all involved.

Personally, sure I’ve experienced sexual harassment in the past.  As a woman I think it’s just part of what I’ve come to expect from some men.  I’ve also been harassed about being lesbian, being Butch, and being a Democrat.  I have a misdemeanor assault charge on my record for decking a dude that grabbed my ass. I round-housed his ass, knocked him out cold.  But I accidently didn’t see the cop watching….so I got charged, regardless that it was a reaction to having my ass grabbed!

I wish it would all settle down.  We all need to sit back and take a deep breath.  I’m not saying that those who have experienced any sort of thing like sexual harassment should “forget” it or “forgive” it, but I also think that some of the acusations are a bit petty.  Like “he touched my breast when he hugged me”…that’s a little vague, and maybe he didn’t mean it intentionally, maybe it was accidental.  I don’t know what the fuck to think!

I do think that there are certainly varying “degrees” of harassment coming out.  The Roy Moore stuff, where he was exerting his power as an adult in a position of authority to seduce underage girls is NOT acceptable in any way, under any circumstances.  And the acusations about Trump are not to be taken lightly either.  And the fact that Trump support the pedophile Moore, is just sickening.  They would rather have a pedophile in office as Senator than a Democrat.  Pathetic.  And we have to listen to all this bullshit until December 12 when they hold the election in Alabama.

Sexual stuff has long been part of our make up.  We often play or tease one another, and generally it’s all in fun.  I’ve been known to touch a few tits in my time, or grab an ass here and there….in fun and to amusement – – in no way to “harass”  Sure, I’ve told bad jokes, or made angry phone calls.  But when does it amount to harassment?  My answer would be: when it’s done with the intent to make the other person feel uncomfortable, to bend them to your will, to exert your personal power (whatever it may be) over that person to “make” them do something that they do not want to do.

This topic is a really tough one.  I don’t know who has the answers, or what all of this focus on it now will lead us to.  Just be damned sure when you are “flirting” with someone that it’s wanted and not harassment! Jeez, it’s enough to make a Butch a little nervous…like we needed any more reasons!

I haven’t been talking much about Trump in my blogs lately, because he’s in the news 24/7 getting plenty of attention – just like he likes it.  He’s the most embarrassing representation of the United States, and the disdain for him and his administration grows by the day here.

Right now they are trying to ram a huge billionaire’s tax bill through that is going to lead us into the next great depression.  Mark my words.  If it passes in any thing close to the form it’s in now, it will devastate our economy and send us into a depression.  But it will make Trump and his cohorts, his donors, the 1% of Americans who own the 90% of the wealth in this country, even MORE wealthy.  And the rest of us will suffer severely.

Trump is positioning the US for war with N. Korea.  Today he announced severe sanctions to further cripple the economy and food supply of the N. Koreans.

He tried to lift a ban on elephant trophies that Obama had put in place.  We as a country are not allowed to import any part of an endangered species, as a trophy or pet.  But Trump wanted to lift this ban.  Why?  Because it was an Obama law.  And because his sons are “big game hunters” – or pussies if you ask me.  Only cowards hunt endangered species, or farm-locked animals.

Today a $900billion dollar Russian oligarch owned yacht – yes, $900 BILLION – cruised into a slip in a spot about 8 miles from Trump’s Mar a Lago home in Florida.  Trump is due there this week for the holiday.  Coincidence?  I think not.  The Russian oligarch who owns the yacht is said to be Putin’s right hand man.  I’m sure he’s here for a meeting with Trump, or one of his sons, or his son-in-law, Kuchner.  I don’t understand if we have legal sanctions against the Russians (since Aug. 30, 2017) WHY they are NOT being upheld?  WTF is a Russian yacht doing being allowed even NEAR this country???  Treason I say, Treason.  The mere fact that the Trumps hob-nob with Russians is enough to make me want to vomit.  He’s selling out our country lock, stock and barrel.

I go to court tomorrow afternoon to address my violating my bail conditions, the charge from last month.  Hopefully my attorney will keep my ass out of jail.  I’ve done everything I can do to prevent that.  It’s up to the lawyer and the prosecutor at this point.  Wish me luck.

I’m off to bed.  Tell me, what do YOU think about the multitude of sexual harassment claims in the news?  Do you think there should be a “time limit” on accusing someone of these types of things?

Peace.   ~MB

 

 

 

The Week Begins…

This past weekend was a pretty rough one for me.  I didn’t do much.  I had so much on my mind that I felt paralyzed and couldn’t focus on doing anything constructive.  So I spend much of it watching TV, listening to news, surfing the web and hibernating in my house.  I didn’t see a soul all weekend.  I had planned to spend Saturday with my best friend, but she never showed…she’s been avoiding me.  I suspect that she’s been using again and doesn’t want to hear any shit from me about it.  That’s the only reason she wouldn’t be around like normal.

This morning I got up to go to work, went out to start my truck and it was iced up.  So I started it and got the scraper out of the back and started scraping the windows.  When I reached to open the driver’s door it was LOCKED.  Fuck.  And I had locked the house door behind me when I went out.  So, I was locked out of the house AND the truck – which was running.  I also had forgotten my wallet inside the house.  But, I had my cell phone!  Thankfully.  I ended up calling my friend Linda and she came over.  She has spare keys to my house and truck.  In the end I got to work about 30 minutes late, but it was all good because I had called them to let them know.  Lesson learned.  I went to the hardware store after work and had a couple of spare keys made.  I now have one outside in the lock box on the porch, and an extra in my key cabinet.  I don’t anticipate pulling the same stupid stunt twice, but I’ll be prepared if I do!

I emailed with my attorney today.  She says I won’t be going back to jail on the 21st when I go for my hearing.  That came as a huge relief to me.  She just advised me to keep myself clean and do everything I’m supposed to be doing.  So that’s exactly what I am going to do.  I have to get letters from my boss, my counsellor and my group therapy leader, as well as a letter stating I’ve had all negative urine tests (I am tested weekly), a letter from my doctor and as much documentation as I can rustle up that makes me look good.  I’ll be working on all these things this week.  I go to court for the hearing next Tuesday.

I’m supposed to go to court on the restraining order that I have on that guy I had let stay here.  But I think I am going to drop the request for a longer order.  He hasn’t bothered me at all, and I don’t think that he will.  I think he’s pretty embarrassed about all that happened.   So I’m just going to drop the issue and not put either of us through going to court over it.  If he starts to bother me again I won’t hesitate to call the cops and push the restraining order issue to a full year.

I’ve been setting up my day-runner organizer book for 2018.  Transferring important numbers and information to it.  It’s going to help me stay far more on track with everything.  I also picked up a new 7 pocket expandable file today for 2018’s receipts.  I tend to keep impeccable track of most everything.  That way if I need to refer back to a receipt for any reason I can locate it easily.

I signed up on www.AdoptafamilyUSVI.com to adopt a family in need in the US Virgin Islands or Puerto Rico today.  I will be putting together care packages to send to them every couple of weeks.   I had been looking for a way I could help, and saw this program on the news here tonight.  I checked out the website, and encourage you to do the same!  It’s pretty straight forward, you sign up and they assign you a family.  The family gives you a “wish list” of small items they could use to make life easier for a few days.  Seems like the least I can do to help out and maybe make someone a little more comfortable in those storm ravaged areas.  They’re still mostly without power and drinkable water in both the US Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico.

Sad that our Fucking Moron “president” just ignores them and is so busy sucking up to Putin and Duterte, killing trade for the US and sucking money out of us citizens.  I haven’t written much about him lately, but believe me I am watching his every move and can’t wait for him to be taken out.  I believe Mueller will get him and his pack eventually.

The weather here in southern Maine has finally turned cold.  It’s going down below 30 degrees tonight.  I’ve had the heat on now for about a week and a half.  I like it pretty chilly anyway, so I only set my thermostat at 65-68 during the day and drop it down to 62 at night.  I like to sleep in the cool air with heavy blankets.  The weight of the blankets seems to calm my anxiety and helps me fall asleep.  Also I’ve added 10mg of melatonin to my night time ritual as well.  That does seem to help.  Sleep is always a bit illusive, no matter what I do.  I’m pretty used to functioning well on about 4-5 hours of total sleep.

So, anyway, it’s been a rather rough few days, but I am in a pretty good mood tonight.  I know things will get better; I’m going to MAKE them better.  I’ve got the right attitude and am really focusing on improving myself personally and living better.  I might have my down days, but overall I’m actually doing really well.  I do think that being consistent on my medications has helped with that too.

Hope you are all doing well.  Peace.  ~MB

Ten Months…

Today I had my Groups: Recover Together meeting.  It’s basically weekly group therapy for opioid addicts trying to get clean, and in recovery.  I have been going to Groups now for over 6 months, and today got my 6 month token.  Its’ just a little pocket coin to fiddle with and remind yourself that you are in recovery and yes, you can do this!

2017-09-13 19.46.10I’m pretty proud that I have managed to kick my opioid addiction and stay clean for almost 10 months now.  Oct. 28th will be my 1 year anniversary.  It hasn’t been easy, I’ve had some really tough days and brutal nights.  I am currently in the Suboxone program. Suboxone is a drug used to curb the cravings and block the effect of opioids.  Basically, as long as I take my daily sublingual strips, which are paper strip that I put under my tongue and let dissolve for 7 minutes without swallowing — yeah, TRY to go 7 whole minutes without swallowing, it’s a real trick!  Anyway, as long as I take those I don’t have the hellish cravings for the drug, and even if I did do any dope it would be “blocked” by the Naloxone in the Suboxone strip.  Rendering doing it absolutely useless…I wouldn’t get high, so why bother?  It’s a phychological thing as well as a physical thing I believe.

Going to the weekly group meeting, where I am in a room with 8-10 other addicts all in the same boat, and all doing the same basic thing – trying to eliminate addiction from their lives.  We have developed a pretty tightly knit group at this point.  We’ve come to hold one another’s feet to the fire.  When you arrive at the office for the meeting you have to take a piss test, and they test it on the spot for any drugs.  It’s a 6 way test.  As long as you don’t test for any drugs except for the Suboxone (buprenorphine) you are good to go.  You go into the group meeting and when you are finished you pick up your weekly prescription from the coordinator on the way out.  You can test positive for marijuana also, it’s legal here so they don’t dock you for having it in your system.  Plus, many of us use it for pain relief, which is why many of us started using the opioid drugs to begin with.  Marijuana isn’t considered to be a problem in this program, and I don’t believe it’s a problem drug if used smartly.  If you test positive for any other drug you are pulled aside and have to meet with the counsellor before you can pick up your script.  You have to explain why you are positive and generally they will give you a break and a chance to continue.  If you habitually test positive, or have a “dirty” or “hot” result you can be tossed out of the program.  And no one wants that!  Going to these meetings in order to get your prescription, being tested weekly, and bein accountable has become pretty damned important to me.  I need the Subs, so I follow the program and it’s kept me on track very well.

The opioid crisis is a nationwide crisis affecting all communities regardless of age, race, gender, religion, social status, or wealth.  It doesn’t discriminate.  I know many very prominent people in my community that hide secret addictions to these powerful drugs such as Percocet, oxycodone, Vicodin, Heroin and Fentanyl.  Once the drug gets you hooked you are in a fight for your life.  Too many times I have seen that fight end in death.  I didn’t want to be another one of those statistics.  Maine has an unusually high number of addicts, and a very high over-dose rate.  It’s a rural state, and for some reason has become a very big state for the trafficking of these potent drugs.

Tonight on ABC television here in the US there is a show that’s going to be on that’s called “State of Addiction” which will talk all about the epidemic we are facing here.  I plan to watch it and have encouraged my family and loved ones to do the same.  I can tell them things, but I think that hearing them from people who combat this every day will be even better for them to understand.  I am very lucky to have a very good support network of family, friends and a very supportive and loving girlfriend.  Without them I don’t think I would have made it back to sobriety….I thank every single one of them, and especially my dear Mother who I put through hell and back with worry and angst.  I’m sorry for all of it, but an addict doesn’t see those things or the way they are affecting people around them when they are actively using.  It’s not til one gets clean that we can look back and realize the damage we have done, and just hope and try to fix it somehow.

Peace.  ~MB