Greetings! I want to write but don’t even know where to start…so much has been going on – both in my life and in our US news, as most of you are probably aware!
Personally, things are going very well. I’m excited for the Christmas holiday season, and entering the New Year. I’ve got my Christmas tree up; everything is festively decorated and it’s kinda cute. I did it alone, as I figured would happen, but it was actually okay. Me and the dogs had a nice day last weekend of decorating and being silly.
I adjusted my work schedule down a few hours. I felt that I needed that mid-week day off to balance things out a bit. And to stay good with my health and program. Work is very accommodating and being that it’s winter here now they were fine with me dropping Wednesdays from my schedule.
Yesterday my bestie and I drove up to Portland, Maine and shopped at the Burlington Coat Factory store there. We had a terrific time. The drive was beautiful. Maine really is a really beautiful state! The store was incredible. We don’t have one nearby, thus the drive to Portland. I managed to get most of the rest of my shopping done, and didn’t break the bank!
The drive up and back gave me and my bestie, who hasn’t been around much, a lot of good quality time to talk, something we really needed to do. I’d been feeling a bit neglected and lost without her company lately. Maybe I wasn’t being realistic, but I was feeling kind of wounded. She just started a new job, has been working like 60 hours a week and had trouble with her phone for 3 days…so a combination of things came about that put some time between us. We hashed it out, and everything with us is fine. I really enjoy the support of having a best friend. She’s a straight woman, but that hasn’t made any difference in our relationship as friends. She gets me and I get her. Both being in recovery, we also understand each other in ways no one else is able.
We even took Nola and Lulu for the drive to Portland. They loved it. We made sure to take them out of the truck a couple of times to walk them and let them stretch their stubby little legs. All they wanted to do was BE with the two of us. They both adore Linda as much as I do, especially Nola, she’s quite attached to her and sat in her lap the whole ride, while Lulu bounced all around the truck. From my lap, to LInda’s to the back seat, to my lap again….she LOVES to ride in my lap, or curled up in the crook of my right arm as I drive with my left.
Today I got up and took the dogs for a nice walk. I had plans to clean house, relax, cook and wrap some gifts to put under the tree. Shortly after 10am my plans kind of changed. My cousin called and wanted to hang out at my house. So, he came over. Well, it turned out that he needed company – and badly.
Today was the anniversary of the death of his girlfriend of 3 years. Two years ago today she stood in front of him when he came in his front door and shot herself in the head. Right in front of him. He’s so tortured by it still. He obviously has some serious PTSD and emotional agony from witnessing her take her own life in such a bloody, messy manner – in their apartment. The poor guy spent some time in the hospital afterwards, of course, trying to cope with it. But today really set him off…his PTSD was super bad, and he cried, got angry, blamed himself (it was his personal gun she used) and tried to justify his feelings — all at once…I cannot even IMAGINE the agony going on inside that poor young man’s head. He’s just turned 30…too young to be so screwed up by something like this.
He puts on a valiant show, tries to not let people know it’s getting to him like it is, but today he broke down…and I felt helpless. I wanted to “fix” it…but of course, I couldn’t. All I could do was let him know he’s loved, that I love him, and others do and that it’s okay to be sad, angry and confused, it’s fully understandable and no one thinks less of him for feeling these ways.
I get it when people want to end their lives that they will find a way to do it. But doing it in front of someone, just to fuck up their lives too, is just ultimately CRUEL. Her family blames him for owning the gun, but I told him she would have found a way with or without the gun if she was really bent on completing the task. He cannot be held responsible, he treated her excellent and he thought they had a good relationship…he had no clue she would do such a thing – and to do it in front of his face, well….what can I even say? She didn’t have to do it THAT way.
So, we cooked chili and talked all day. Many rounds of crying and anger. I tried to be the cool one in the room, maintaining a loving stance and attitude. Trying to console the inconsolable. He left, after he fell asleep in the chair in my living room for about 45 minutes, and went home…I pray he’s alright tonight. I love the guy, and he’s a good man.
I’m tired now from the day. Going to go curl up in my soft bed – new sheepy flannel sheets even! And get myself some rest. The dogs will cuddle me, and tomorrow will start a new week.