9/11, Butch Stuff, Coronavirus19, Democrats, life stories, mental health, News trending, Patriotsim, Personal Thoughts

20 years of trauma…and it’s not over

I’m sure you remember where you were at 9:37 am on 9/11/01. I know I do. That moment and the hours that followed, the days that the pile smoldered and you could feel retaliation starting to be more mumbled about. As we each were frozen momentarily in our tracks during those horrific fully televised first moments of the planes hitting the towers, then the falling of those towers – straight down every single one of us changed in those moments. A feeling of collective vulnerability first, we had been attacked full on and all we could do was watch as events unfolded, 2997 the eventual fatality count.

Then the rising anger, calls for revenge and off to war we marched our soldiers…Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria..the middle east, thousands of miles away from home and doing a job no one before had been successful at or wanted to do. Britain tried 3 times, lost and went home every time. Russia, they’ve tried twice in recent history, only to pull out and go home. Why did we think we would ever have any more success in a country that does not want western government or influence? Democracy is not for everyone, and evidently it’s not wanted very badly in Afghanistan as we were shown when they dropped their American made weapons and ran from the Taliban.

In the last 20 years we poured buckets of cash into the war against terrorism. Trillions. Yet, here at home our infrastructure is pathetically tattered with no update in the last 50+ years, homelessness is outrageous, people are hungry, unemployed and sick without adequate medical care and our Congress cannot even get a $3.5 trillion dollar infrastructure bill passed. We’ll sit and allow our money to be squandered on needless war but NOT spend any good amount here at home taking care of our own country; improving our own infrastructure, bringing America fully into the 21st century. Yet we will try to nation build in other countries and not peep about the wasted costs.

People line Christopher Street during a gathering of the LGBTQ community and supporters protesting U.S. President Donald Trump’s agenda in Manhattan, New York, U.S., February 4, 2017. REUTERS/Andrew Kelly

Our politicians need a big fat wake up call. Democrats and Republicans alike. Democrats need to stop pussy-footing around and DO THEIR JOBS, discard the filibuster and move on with the business of rebuilding America from it’s neglect and from it’s abuse during the last administration’s time in office.

Republicans need to take a deep, deep look inside their party and DECIDE WHO THE FUCK they are and WHO they represent – oh and try developing an agenda that is not based on lies and cheating American voters, slamming women’s rights, installing inadequate people in all the wrong places, conspiracy theory, and made up bullshit about dems being lizard people. They party looks absolutely FOOLISH.

American citizens have been in a constant state of trauma response for the last 20 years. From the falling of the towers on 9/11/01 to the Texas abortion ban of 2021. We’ve literally been dealing with once crisis after another; one on top of the other, some thing repeatedly through the 20 years. Here we are now, 20 years later just having exited Afghanistan – albeit in not so graceful a fashion for the #1 fighting force in the world – in the midst of a huge heath crisis (covid) that has become a partisan political football. We have 30% of the country acting like children, attacking our capital, refusing vaccines, pushing for authoritarian rule and marshal law and enticing politicians to act like ogres who’s only goal is to end democracy in America.

On a daily basis we have trauma piled on us by what’s going on around us. Mass shootings at grocery stores, movie theaters, concert venues, barbershops, shopping malls, SCHOOLS, work places, and even government buildings. The virus keeps us all in this constant state of trauma limbo…where we are just itching for it to be over and don’t want to get infected! We wear our masks, socially and support President Biden’s 6 point Covid plan AND we fight with the anti-vax, denial and misinformation crowd. We are contending with a party that wants to limit voting rights, end Roe Vs Wade, and deport the Dreamers.

Don’t even get me started on the personal traumas, we’ve all had those as well whether related to what happened 20 years ago or to something totally personal, we all cope with some level of trauma response daily, we’re all still alive and kicking and this is a more difficult part of life in 2021. We can always keep hoping the future grows more calm and becomes more organized for all of our sakes.

((Hugs)) to all. ~ MB

Butch Stuff, Indentity, Lesbian, Living in Maine, Love, mental health, Personal Thoughts, Relationships, Sexuality, Things Butch-Femme

Deep Thoughts and a Look Back on 2019


“No one is ever promised and easy path through this snake infested swamp…and then it’s suddenly our turn to cross that black water, or become lost in the past, perpetually locked in suspended states of illusion. Just where are you going? What’s the purpose of your journey? Do you know? Or have an idea? sigh ah, and there it is…the never-ending stream of unanswerable, internal, silently screaming questions bombarding our brains, commandeering our thoughts; demanding answers — for which we have none…yet.” {asl 2019}

If I died alone, never meeting the one for me, so be it, that’s what was meant to be. But I found the one for me, my soulmate. She is my partner, and my best friend. The mere thought of not being able to talk to her again, discuss science, argue about politics, talk of the obvious existence of extraterrestrials, the chance to make each other laugh…. these things fill me with a dread and sadness I can’t put into words.

It really all comes down to this though: tell your loved ones you love them. Don’t let things end on bad notes. Don’t go to bed angry. Take the blame during a fight even if you’re right, because life is so much more fleeting than you realize. Do nice things for people, express your appreciation. Be romantic, be kind, be optimistic. Do not allow fear and anger to rob you of your happiness ever. Be bold. Take chances. Love hard. Do not let go easily, be resilient. And always, always say ‘I love you’ upon parting.

2019 was an upside down year; one of those years where you learn the hard way to roll with the punches of life events and try not to let that bad taste in your mouth linger for too long as it will slowly poison you from the inside out. It’s one of the years that presented me with a HUGE learning event and some MUCH needed wisdom and guidance around life and living with purpose – not just sliding by from day to day. While that method seems to somehow make sense at times, it’s not really any way to live every day. We each need purpose and we each have desires. Those must be fulfilled or we end up just empty and floating aimlessly in the sea of darkness, alone, afraid and feeling quite useless. Nothing makes sense. No one makes sense. It leads us often to the quesiton “what is the point?” — never a good question to be asking oneself.

I haven’t been myself for a couple of months now. I was losing ground. Feeling stupid and not taking care of myself as I should have been doing. I had let myself become heavily invested in someone who came into my life 2 years ago; someone I believe is a real soulmatch for me. What I did wrong, in hindsight, is I allowed myself to let down my walls far too soon, and far to low.I lost touch with that one major Butch rule: “Never let your life be control or guided by pussy – anyone’s pussy – ever.” Until the day one of my Butch brothers slapped me on the back hard and said those words right into my face from about 10″ away, adding “Get a grip, man. Get a grip!” He was right on the money too. I had given over too much while not taking what I needed in return. I was over-confident that she loved me as I loved her. I let my guard down because of that and I am paying dearly still. Perhaps for a long, long time to come. Guess that’s to be determined.

I’ve been rolling these thoughts over and over in my head for weeks on end now. Trying to make sense of which way to go now. How to I reclaim my power? How do I find my worth once again? Who the hell AM I now??? I am not even sure of that anymore. This really took a LOT out of me. I never, ever saw it coming. Completely blindsided by someone I trusted more than anyone I had ever trusted in my life before. THAT fucking HURT the hardest.

I know that I have to continue to work through this myself. I know that I can and will do it; I’ll be damned if I let this keep me down or change my positiive attitude. I don’t want to live with doubt and fear. Nor do I ever wish to become so involved or over-confident in someone like that ever again without a very specifically laid out contractual agreement of the rules between us. I didn’t move on doing that with this person, because I was taking it “slow” and now I see the very, very big error in that way!

I also see things like making sure that both people have a really good idea of thier personal desires for the direction of the relationship – before becoming overly invested or even tossing out the “L” word. Relationships are great support for anyone, if they are healthy and equally tended to by both parties. One cannot “give” more than the other in the emotional department especially. Both must be willing to be equally vulnerable and thus trusting.

Don’t you just wish like a motherfucker that we KNEW all of these little tidbits of relationship tips before we stumbled into someone we wanted to love with all we’ve got inside? Wouldn’t that just make love so much easier? Ah, but the unknown of ‘love’ is part of the mysteriousness that makes it so damned attractive and alluring. The discovery process is so intoxicating that in our drunken love state we often lose sight of reality and throw caution to the wolves. It’s almost comical -but really NOT – how foolish we get over lust and love as well as how often we confuse the two states completely.

I can still shut my eyes, lay my head back on the pillow and see every curve, every hair, every mark on her body in my mind. I knew that body very well. And I showered that body and mind with love beyond anything I had given to anyone before. That’s pretty fucking deep to even say, but it’s fucking right as rain. Yes, I have lots of photos I could refer to, but I have boxed them all up and stored them away, out of sight to try to keep the visions of a minimum. It hurts to look at her photo and those eyes…those gorgeous eyes. With my eyes still shut I can inhale and still find her smell lingering in the recessed depths of my brain. I still feel her laying next to me, finger tips tracing across my chest, my jawbone, sweeping into my short hair as she leans in to kiss me passionately. Yes, I have all of those so very real memories driving me insane nightly. I wish so hard to be swallowed up by those thoughts and memories and be forever lost in space with only her as my company; my sustenance, my survival until that final heartbeat goes still and I can forget. That is the only thing that will make me forget. The only thing.

Everyone has their own reality in this life. No two are the same. Most aren’t even similar. Often our immediate life circumstance is the basis for most of our reality based choices and decisions. For example, my life as an older, single Butch with no children or major responsibilities at this point in my life is vastly different from my recent girl’s circumstances with having a special needs child that needs 24/7 care, a husband who is there in the picture daily to support the two, and a professional life she tries to manage around it all, and what I thought was a desire for a lesbian partnership too.

Once, in the not-so-distant past, I thought that these two different realities would mesh together and be very good for all involved. I thought, and was willing to, I could provide much physical and emotional support to her and to him as well with the kiddo. Because I love her so deeply – and grew to adore and love the child as well – I believed that I would be good for them all; be a good fit and be a very loving partner in the sphere of things. I personally still actually still believe this could be true. I had reached a point where I am fully willing to change my physical situation in life to be close to her and continue the relationship into whatever the next phase would be. We were close to making something close to that happen when the world fell apart for us. So close.

It’s no longer of any use to rehash the events that lead to the demise of our relationship. I don’t even care about those things anymore. It’s useless to keep even thinking about them, so I have basically forgotten about 90% of it now. I wish it had never happened, but it did and I didn’t know what to do, how to handle it, or which way to turn to figure it out. I found myself standing very alone on the precipice of darkness, without the anchor which had held me happily steady for almost 2 years. It was the saddest day of my life to date. Hands down, saddest. I felt true loss and had no one who understood or to lean on in that time. That’s when I truly learned how fucking strong I am inside. I weathered the most serious storm of my personal life by myself, unassisted and did it with the most dignity I could muster. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but I never claimed perfection…but I’ve weathered all of it as good as I could.

Our lives happen in chapters. This is close to the end of chapter 5 for me. Generally I’ve experienced the chapters to coincide closely with decades and milstone marks. Childhood, teen years, 20’s (insanity), 30’s settling, 40’s realizing what I was missing something big, and the 50’s trying to find that more stable, decent life I desire, more purpose and a partner I can count on to be at my side. Maybe these chapters are similar for many of us. I know through conversations that I share much with many of my Butch counterparts. And sometimes we even have to refer back to a previous chapter, a specific page perhaps, to help us through the current chapter a bit easier. There’s no set “road-map” of this lifestyle, just a gut feeling and some pretty honestly ethical ways and rules to things. I dislike hard rules, but there are about 5 Butch rules that I find I have to be guided by always or I get off track and all fucked up! Ha!

Insanity is the ritual of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This is the most true of statements ever spoken. Yet, we all do it. We all try to get what we want in the ways that we are comfortable and used to using…even if it doesn’t work this time, maybe it will next time…where that fucked up thinking comes from is beyond my comprehension.

Ok, enough deep thought for today/tonight. It’s been a pretty good last-Saturday in 2019. IT was a super sunny, warm (50 degrees F!), gorgeous day to be alive. I got tons done, preparing myself and my home for 2020’s arrival on Wednesday.

2019 will definitely be a memorable year- if not for the right reasons, then for some of the more bleak or perhaps less attractive ones. Hey, nothing is guaranteed or promised – ever. Not in life, loving or living on this planet in this time dimension. WE ALL struggle to roll out of bed every morning and do it all over again. Some days we literally stop and ask ourselves, “Why?”, and some days we just pretend we are enjoying it as we slurp down coffee and race off to the office or work site for the day. Whatever we have to do to make it work; to keep us going in a somewhat forwardish direction, and to try to live our best lives, as our most authentic selves, we just do it. Over and over. Lather, rinse, repeat. Whether we are happy or not…THAT is literally up to each one of us personally to determine and make it so — or not. Choices.

Peace. ~ MB

Butch Stuff

The Hearings

Does it feel like the world has gone a bit insane? Taken a turn toward the dark side? Is just filled with so much hate and violence that reports on incidents grow every day. Pretty soon they’ll need TWO hours for the nightly news instead of a single news hour. From daily mass shootings to skyrocketing inflation, greed-bloated gas/oil prices, and most of us just barely making ends meet financially it’s emotionally draining and a mental health minefield facing all of us.

Undoubtedly we are all feeling the stress and pressure of a world on edge right now. What’s next? Food shortages? Failing power grids? Dwindling water supplies? Environmental catastrophe? Mass migrations due to wars, lack of food sources, lack of livable land, lack of water, power, medicine and threats of war and extreme violence from cartels, gangs, militias, and other perpetrators of doom.

So what are we going to do?

We currently have a very divided government that is too busy with in-fighting and with hating on each other to get ANYTHING done! It’s time to replace those people who refuse to do the jobs they were appointed to do. We have to stop the stupidity and put people with integrity and vision into our representative seats in government and then we need to support them to DO THEIR JOBS that we voted/hired them to do.

Over the next couple of weeks we will be watching as the Jan. 6th committee that has been investigating the insurrection, lay out what happened, not just what we watched live on national television but all that happened prior to, during, in preparation for and from where the commands came. It’s really going to happen and it feels like we are anxiously perched on the mid belt of the powder keg gritting our teeth and waiting for the explosion. Who will shot first?

Last night I watched PBS’s Frontline show is called Jan. 6th, What’s Happened Since? (full documentary). I’m sure you could see it on Youtube or any streaming platform for that matter. It’s good, and thus far it’s jogging my memory as to how I felt that day, listening to the Orange Baboon and then watching in horror as my Capital was attacked and occupied by insurrectionists. Much of the video footage being shown is new to me, wow. So MUCH more happened in this insurrection and the insurrectionist mentality seems to be growing. I just don’t understand WHY we let these politicians and political causes turn us against one another like this. Why have we let them divide us so? Our strength will be in numbers. And I am only glad that the wing of domestic terrorism, Trumpian Nazis, are in the minority party. Democratic voters and thinkers outnumber them 2 to 1 at a miniumum.

The televisions across America should all be tuned to one of the 5 big stations broadcasting this prime time event. We all want – and need – to know what exactly happened, who perpetrated all this violence, who instigated it, and who paid for it. Then we need to FIX the system that allowed this to even happen.

Hearings start at 7:00 pm eastern time. Get your popcorn. Buckle up, it’s gonna be a hella ride!

This is the year we may lose our democracy. This is the year we need to not sit on the fence, we need to be fighting and VOTING to make the best choices for a democracy to continue in America.

This is not a drill.

Butch Stuff

Photojournalists, Houses, Job…

We hold onto things; items that have some value in our minds & hearts

Marcus Yam photojournalist for the New York Times did an interview and displaying his photos of the war in Ukraine centered on what we take with us – in various forms. Impactful Velshi did the interview during his fill-in tonight for Rachel Maddow’s show. I like him, he’s got heart.

This is a previous one with a bit on the photojournalist, these 4 cover the war in Ukraine. This has got to be the hardest job in the world…watching without giving in to the human instinct to interfere; just watching life as it happens and snapping photos of it to report to the world. When I was younger I wanted to do this kind of stuff, but I got sidetracked into something else!

Marcus’s piece tonight with Velshi (3-18 Rachel Maddow show) was really powerful. It’s not on Youtube yet, just did the piece live. It’s really good, check it out once it’s up!

Last night was our annual St. Patty’s day corn beef and cabbage dinner cooked by my parents! They just love this colorful holiday. I think it’s because it also indicates we made it through another winter and Spring is almost here

I mention the dinner because I am curious of others’ experiences with yesterday. My family is fairly evenly divided Blue and Red…ya know what I mean…BUT yesterday EVERYBODY was yellow & blue…Ukraine was a concern for EVERYONE at the house, no matter their politics. AS IT SHOULD BE. Human beings are not built to sit back and watch others get slaughtered in such an inhumane scene of utter destruction. I hope our President has a plan. Ukraine has to win this war. Not survive it anymore, but WIN it. We’ve past that point. WW3 is here. SEND IN THE F-35s NOW!!!. Why not have a non-nato country borrow our fighter jets and let Ukraine take them ALL for a test drive – while they destroy Putin’s air power?!

Have I told ya’ll that I love my job? I’ve worked hard all my life, through injury and all. I’m glad I retired early because my back is so trashed that I couldn’t do it anymore. Even 12 hour days with most of it spent in an office chair would be painful now. But this job I have delivering flowers for a local florist here is awesome! My boss is awesome. The designers are awesome and the other drivers are great too. I go in, organize my deliveries, entere it into my phone (using the Circuit app), load the van carefully with the most gorgeous array of floral magic you could imagine. Then I put the slips in order on my clip board, hit the start route button in Circuit and off I go.


I listen to music and check out all the houses as I drive around the entire Seacoast area of Maine and New Hampshire. Today I was down at the beaches along the NH shoreline a lot. I posted some pics on FB and I’ll try to add them in here…been having issues trying to figure that out with the new lay out.

One area that I deliver to I never knew existed the whole of my life that I have been here What a well kept secret neighborhood. I have one observation. It’s either all owned by oligarchs or stupidly rich and famous of the world. The houses are palacial. I’ve never seen houses of that magnitude. Like when I say “multi” million I mean MULTI MILLION dollar homes. Some of them are older, like 1700’s old – and huge. A few are newer in the last 10-20 years. They are mansions and rambling estates. Expensive horses grazed on expensive grass in their private stables.

I’ve been through that area about 3 times now, the roads are old and skinny – I’m sure that keeps traffic out too. You don’t see the homes right off, but as you drive down the skinny wooded road they come into view along the shoreline. ALL water front property or water view. HUGE HUGE places. Widow’s walks galore. Even an elevated swimming pool about 40′ off the ground. (I’ll get a pic of that next time, I only know it’s a pool from my Dad working on it years back).

Rye Harbor, NH
Rye Beach, NH

I bet soap operas happen inside those homes…but you never see people…just homes and luxury cars, very high end luxury cars of course. I’m now enamored with this neighborhood and want to photograph some of the homes – without looking like a weirdo or a spy…or a private eye trying to catch someone cheating – that’ll get ya killed! hahaha

Ok, time to crash…love my dreams lately!


Butch Stuff

Ukraine’s Visible Pain

It’s become emotionally painful to listen to the news out of Ukraine. Russia is out of control, specifically targeting civilians, hospitals, schools, mosques, churches – even people fleeing inside of the supposedly safe “corridor” out of the country. It has become the largest war crime and humanitarian crisis we’ve ever seen in our lives.

The images of bodies laying haphazardly discarded in the streets, some dying right where they fell. The sounds of the whistles and explosions in the live feeds, along with people screaming and babies crying. The videos, often taken by Ukranian people and sent to the media of flattened villages, some just completely GONE along with all of the residents. Gone. The devastation is enormous, it’s all across the country. This invasion has laid waste to the lands and peoples of Ukraine, and still they fight like hell to save their country.

Now we just got a report that they are using phosphorus chemical weapons. The report had to come out of Ukraine by Telegram app. THIS is the beginning of Putin’s inhumane biological warfare. He knows he cannot win his illegal war with his beleaguered army of conscripts and broken equipment.

I can’t even wrap my mind around why the Russians are doing this, don’t they SEE the insanity? Somehow we have to get the REAL TRUTH of what is happening inside of Ukraine to the Russian public. Obviously, they’re being fed a steady diet of lies so they think Putin is doing the right thing by committing genocide.

THIS is the danger of censoring the media, then you only see what the leader WANTS you to see…America needs to really seriously pay attention to that fact. Hitler used this tactic. Putin uses it. Xi uses in in China. We can NEVER allow our leadership to restrict our access to the truth – NEVER.

I don’t want to see WW3 either, but I don’t know that we have a choice any longer. I believe that Putin has already started WW3 and is getting a jump start while we are all watching in horror. I pray he doesn’t escalate this to using WMDs. I’m so scared for the Ukrainians, but also for the rest of Europe and the world.

I don’t know what the answers are to ending this war. Putin just has to order a cease-fire. Unless NATO goes to war with Putin and Russia the only other way to end it is for Putin to order the end of it. And I don’t believe that will ever happen. He will take Ukraine eventually and then move on to Poland…where he WILL confront NATO and US forces. Putin is not afraid of WW3, that’s obvious. Sadly.

A sad veteran.

Butch Stuff

My Heart has a hole…

I haven’t written in this blog in a very long time…and during that time so much has happened in my life and gone on in our crazy, fucked up world. Without being boorish here I’ll bring you up to date with some bullet points.

*The thing that happened that has affected me most is that my beloved, devoted and cherished dog Nola crossed the Rainbow bridge on Jan. 23, 2022. It was not expected. The story is a bit horrible.

Nola had an infected tooth that got an abscess and before I could get her to the vet the abscess burst in the middle of the night one night. Luckily I was awake because she was uncomfortable and moving around a lot in the bed. It was a bloody mess, I never knew that could happen and I had never seen so much blood pour out of a dog.

I rushed her to the emergency vet. By the time I got there, I had gotten the bleeding under control with a cold towel and ice and pressure. That little dog was so good. She allowed me to help her with no complaint. She knew she was in trouble. So, the emergency vet confirmed it was a burst abscess but they could do nothing for her except give me antibiotics for the infection and pain medicine for her to make her more comfortable. So we went home and she got babied and I got her in to see a regular vet for an exam and to talk about what had to happen next to get her treated properly.

Nola was 13.5 yrs old at that time. She was in great shape, never lame or sickly. She was the healthiest dog I had ever owned, never costing me a lot medically. She got her regular shots. Had a dental in 2019 where she lost 7 teeth and that was the biggest expense on her over the years. As dogs age, their teeth get bad because of the diet that we “people” feed them mostly. They’re not using the teeth to scrape bone and as they would use them were they still wild creatures. Of course, we think we are feeding them the best we can and they are generally happy with the grub.

After meeting with the vet it was decided that her teeth were showing signs of gum infection and several were in bad condition and needed to come out. So I scheduled the procedure, giving the infection time to clear up first. I took her in on Friday, Jan. 21, 2022, and they kept her for the day and did the dental surgery on her. Because of her age I requested the heart-safe procedures and begged them to take care of her. She’s my baby. They called later and I went to pick her up. She was VERY much out of it. I even asked if it was really okay to take her home like that. The tech said she would come around, just give her time to rest and recuperate. So off we went, home.

Nola rested on the couch. She was very slow to come out of the fog. Even the next morning she still wouldn’t walk or get up on her own. I had to make her get up and I had to carry her outside to do her business. She wouldn’t eat or drink. By noon on Saturday, I was giving her water by syringe because I knew she needed hydration. She did drink a few times on her own after that. But she had to be escorted and helped every time she got up. She was pitiful. I was becoming desperately worried. The young male tech called to check on her and I told him what I was going through with her, he said give her time. It didn’t make me feel good, but I said okay. in hindsight, I now wish I had taken her straight back in first thing Saturday morning.

Sunday came and everything was the same, even worse. She was obviously out of it. In pain and confused. I tried everything. Spoon feeding her mushy dog food, syringing water, trying to get her to walk – or at least STAND UP! by herself. It was horrible to see her like that I couldn’t take it.

Lulu stayed right with her.

Finally, I called my vet, yes, it was Sunday and miraculously my vet’s clinic IS open on weekends. They said to bring her back right away. So I bundled her up quickly, told little Lulu – who was VERY concerned and had not left her sister for 2 days (see pics) that we would be back. I drove like a mad man to the vet, trying to beat their cut-off. They were waiting for me when I drove in and they took her from my arms and whisked her outback.

After about 20 minutes the vet came to the little room where I was waiting. Nola remained out back for a few minutes. It wasn’t good. Nola’s heart wasn’t strong enough to get her through this. Her heart rate had actually dropped to half of what it should have normally been. Usually when a dog gets to a vet’s office its heart rate spikes, not drops. She couldn’t use her back legs at all. The vet thought maybe she had a clot or an embolism that caused some neurological damage. The vet said we could try some heart medicine, and “try” this or that….I didn’t hear anything past the heart and neurological damage. I was completely crushed.

I got Nola in 2008 from the streets of New Orleans on one of my adventures. She had been with me for her whole life and this coming July we would have celebrated 14 years of companionship. She loved me dearly and I loved her beyond the moon. She was the best dog ever. I knew as I stood there in the little vet room listening to the vet talk that we had come to the base of the bridge.

When I adopted Nola in 2008 I promised her the best life I could give her. We had great times, hard times, crazy times and loving times. We were constant buddies for almost 14 years and here we were at the fucking bridge. I promised her if we ever had to go to the bridge that I would do the right thing and I would be there to hold her tightly as she crossed and waited for me, with my other dogs, on the other side of that Rainbow Bridge.

I told the vet my decision. No, I didn’t want to extend the pain she’s obviously been enduring because she knew it was going to be very hard for me when she went. She knew. Damn, she loved me so much.

They brought her back into the room. She looked at me and we locked eyes. I could see her sadness, she looked at me and I held her tight. Our faces just about touching. I asked her if this was really it, was she ready? She told me yes, she kissed my cheek and I held her paw like I always did when we went to sleep. I held her close to my heart, her head on my left arm, my right hand on her heart as we helped her over the bridge…I felt her heart stop…I burst into tears, wetting her fur. I loved her up, kissed her face and stroked her ears…I said my goodbye to the best friend I ever had.

I was going to write more tonight, catch everyone up on other things happening…but reliving this has been hard enough on my heat for tonight. I’m going to snuggle Lulu, who has been grieving with me since Jan. 23. We’re getting better. Lu had come around, she knows I need her right now just like she needs me.

To everyone out there who knew Nola and knew how close we were I know you’ll understand.

You only get one of those “once in a lifetime” dogs they say. Nola was actually my 2nd “once in a lifetime” buddy, and now she’s joined my old buddy Jock. They’re both hanging out having fun on the beach somewhere across the Bridge. I know they’ll know when I’m going to join them, yeah, they’ll know.


Butch Stuff, Mid-term Elections, News trending, politics, Presidential Elections, Protesting, Republicans

Systematic Attack on Democracy


The far right is getting very dangerous.

Every week seems to be filled with crisis lately, ranging from climate disasters, wildfires, wars and humanitarian crisis and a pandemic to political upheaval around the globe.

Right wing extremists are becoming increasingly aggressive and using deeper fake tactics –  It’s not just in the USA but globally. And you’re seeing uprisings of the revolution against them and you against them in all the same places as well. Theres an uprising for the people and for democracy going on around the world.  And a full fledged attack against it by a minority extreme right And their puppet politicians..

Redistricting/gerrymandering is going on. states are attacking voting rights one by one, women’s rights are being decimated. Our SCOTUS is right-wing extreme.

This is a war on democracy whether we want it or not. If the war has already begun the other side is fighting a lot harder than we are right now. We need to get our asses fucking moving. We need to raise our voices and our votes.  Oh you don’t think it’s war because nobody’s dead in masses yet?  Talk to the community of journalists that try to report the doings of the world back to us. How many of them have been disappeared, murdered or jailed and tortured in the past year?

We democrats are the majority in this country. It’s time for ALL of us to brush up on our individual state voting laws now on the books, fight for fair voting laws.

Congress is being stupid. They are all wrapped up in the reconcilliation plan, when they SHOULD be pushing through voting rights legislation. The GOP is keeping them distracted from this task while the GOP itself has implemented restrictive voting legislation at the state level in 30 states thus far. They are out there LYING to their constituents, promoting violence and distrust in our voting system with all these FAKE audits that are costing taxpayers millions of dollars. $$$ MILLIONS!!! $$$ OF YOUR MONEY! I don’t understand how these “fiscally conservative” GOP politicians are okay with throwing this money away on stuff that no longer matters…why are they doing it? Because it causes citizens to distrust the election process, it’s a SCHEME they have developed in their playbook of nasty things to do to retake power in America. ALL THEY WANT is TOTAL POWER, not democracy – that no longer matters to them as they PLAN to make the USA an authoritarian state. They no longer follow the law – i.e. not responding to congressional subpoenas for one. They no longer work for their states, they only listen to Trump – who is NOT even a politician anymore!!! Why do they even listen to him? It seems all of the GOP have lost their independent voices and their guts. They’ve become enthralled in the stupidity of worshipping Trump…OR Trumps DOES have Jeffrey Epstein’s little black book with ALL of their names in it…SOMETHING is being either offered or held over their heads, I just can’t believe they are all this incredibly mean and nasty.

This just hit today…WTF…Republicans are DEFENDING this shit???? Who ARE these people? They are definitely NOT the GOP that my father used to be proud to be…they’re now a cult of personality worshipping bootlickers who are assisting an insane idiot in trying to overthrow our democracy in lieu of an autocracy where they’ve probably all been promised fat checks and oligarch titles. Sick fucks.

And that’s my 2 cents for today.

Remember…we ARE still a DEMOCRACY. Call, email, write, text your senators and representatives. Google their webpages, lean in and be part of the solution.

Peace ~~ MB

Butch Stuff

Another trying week…

I enjoy – no thrive – on intelligent and provokative conversation, yet I live alone. I don’t often get the opportunity to engage with anyone on the level that I need, thus I watch several journalists on the news like Rachel Maddow and Brian Tyler Cohen. I need to hear people talking in full sentences and talking intelligently. I understand that these pundits speak primarily on hot-button issues that face us every day and most people don’t understand nor wish to engage in this type of conversation most of the time.

I am glad we are out of Afghanistan. I am a veteran. I have some inside knowlege of our military life and what the forces were going through. The withdrawal from Afghanistan went about as good as any withdrawal could go. Biden did the right thing in sticking to his guns and bringing our troops home. Sure, you can criticize him for timing and how it was executed and what went wrong, yet you also have to give him credit for all that went right.

The lives of 124,000 people were saved and thus will be changed for the better because they were evacuated by our American forces. Yes, there are more that want to leave. My feeling on some is that they KNEW we were scheduled to exit theater at the end of August; they knew this for more than 6 months and could have left the country at any time during that 6 months, but they waited and those Americans that are still in Afghanistan should have been paying attention and got out of there earlier. That’s MY opinion. Our mission was done, we had no reason to continue to deploy our forces to Afghanistan. There was no national interest in doing so and 80% of the American people also wanted to end the war. It went on for 20 grueling years and cost 2, 461 American lives. We eradicated Bin Laden and decimated Al Qaeda.

It’s been such a good thing to watch President Biden act like we expect a president to act. He’s not sitting in his living quarters at the White House tweeting his grievances and acting like a spoiled child – as our last “president” (I use that term loosely with #45) did almost daily for 4 years.

Biden addresses the nation on a regular basis, speaking solidly on many issues facing our country right now and that will be factors in our future. From climate change, women’s rights, war, and the economy to jobs, infrastructure, covid-19, and healthcare as well as foreign policy and human rights issues. Biden doesn’t shy from any of the challenges we face as Americans living in a democratic country, instead he has exhibited his leadership by dealing with the tough issues head on. Right now I believe we are all still shell shocked from the previous administrations blatant disregard for the well-being of America and it’s focus on promoting lies and misinformation, dividing people as a means of controlling and instigating hate crimes, i.e. the resurrection of Jan. 6th. It’s just plain refreshing to see President Biden performing his duties as a true president should, representing American interests first and foremost.

And for the hot-button topic of the week – Texas new abortion restriction law. This new law has been constructed in such a way as to prevent litigation in higher courts. It removes a woman’s right to control her own body and reproductive organs. Politically this hands Democrats a wedge issue to go after women voters, most of whom support a woman’s right to choose and reproductive freedom as well as body atonomy. Republicans scream bloody murder about freedom and individual rights, especially right now during a massive covid outbreak where they refuse to follow science and medical advice and push for no mask mandates, promote misinformation on vaccines and social restrictions – causing the pandemic to linger and grow worse in some states. Fox news is avoiding covering the new Texas “heartbeat” law because they know this is an issue that could drive women voters to the polls in 2022 enmasse. Women are sick and tired of old white men making choices and laws that only control women’s bodies and infringe on their basic human rights. As women increasingly rise in the political world I believe the “old white boy” network will be dismantled. The future is diverse and that diversity will promote much better legislation concerning individual rights and more well thought out laws, not only surrounding women but also encompassing prison reform, judicial reform, health and wellness of all people and a more caring environment across the country.

Final note: World Industrial Wars

“Politicians are very much like prostitutes just more expensive.”

War and arms sales have been the staple provider of billions of dollars funnelled to the Saudi royal family and senior politicians around the world for decades. Swiss bank accounts are full of bribery money. Any politician who wants war probably has money invested in one of many arms manufacturing companies or has connections with other crooked politicians worldwide who are all part of the big arms bribery scheme. It’s such a deeply corrupt situation.

It’s a well researched and investigated fact that many of the arms deals made would NOT happen if it were not for the billions made in bribes by politicians and world leaders. War is now a commodity, the manufacturers depend on these wars to sell their products. So they entice politicians to keep wars going and to keep arms races as high priority. Some country leaders will use national security excuses to keep a perpetual state of war in progress for profits. Industrial war is about murder and slaughter, if people understood and saw what was REALLY happening they would be so repulsed they would make it harder to wage war for these companies and politicians.

It truly IS a world gone mad.


Butch Stuff

What a week

Bursting with emotional response, this past week was one for the history books. From the Afghan airlift of US citizens and SIVs and refugees fearing for their lives to the methodic, slow movement of flag-draped coffins of 13 young US service members – 11 men and 2 women – who gave their lives in line of duty, coming off a plane at Dover with a US President in attendance – something I do not ever remember seeing before in my life. Video here…

We have a hurricane beating the shit out of New Orleans and the rest of Louisiana pretty much, Haitians trying to contend with mudslides from an earthquake the week before while the Siberian wilderness burns in a fire bigger than ALL of the other fires on this planet put together right now.

Americans are doing the milk crate challenge, being inundated with false information on the internet on covid, fighting like hell to stop our politicians from squashing the voting rights of all Americans with their suppression tactics on full, unabashed display.(side note* we really need to get the For the People Act PASSED this is vital to our democracy and equality) And squabbling amongst ourselves about masks and shots, anti-vaxers in abundance with ivermectin as a cross to bear. As the turmoil of racism stirs just below the epidermis of American skin of all colors. Slowly we divide into smaller tribes and even covid bubbles once again.

All the while America remains viciously divided by a smorgasbord of political party, mask mandates, vaccinations and on how the Afghan airlift is being conducted. We are mostly in agreement that the war needs to be ended, but divided on how it’s being executed – most of which falls squarely on party affiliation. Any president overseeing an operation like the withdrawal from Afghanistan which was previously put into motion by the former administration, would be drawing a hella lot of opposing party criticism on this issue..

The eviction moratorium ended per a Supreme Court decision…the cost of everything from cardboard, food, essentials and gas has been on a steady rise with no signs of relenting. Thousands more will be added to the rolls of the homeless and threatened. People are hurting around the world because of this pandemic, yet we STILL have deniers. There’s something every person wants or needs right now that they are being kept from because of Covid-19, be it the ability to just go shopping without pre-thinking about germ exposure or travelling and living in fear of other travelers, we’re all being held back in many ways and it’s not fun.

Biden is handling a LOT and he’s keeping his cool. Can you even imagine what the last guy would be tweeting and squibbling about on Fox News right about now if he were still in the White House? I am pretty proud of how Joe has been handling his myriad of issues from Covid vaccines to the Afghan airlift and pull-out. He has the hardest job in this country in making decisions and taking actions that he understands will affect the lives of 320 million people every day. It’s his job to protect this country and to uphold the honorable standing of America (*ha…this can be disputed to death). At least he’s DOING his job and he’s gotten legislation passed that will positively affect this country from top to bottom (*Infrastructure bill). I have confidence that he will get us out of Afghanistan, perhaps not unscathed, and he’ll get the troops home. His commanding generals are the best, if they do their jobs as instructed we will be free of this war yet. Ending a 20 year, 4 presidency war is no joke and it’s not an easy task – or it would have already been done. Joe is doing the hard stuff. Stuff that needed doing for American interests. He’ll be vilified by the right and it’s the job of us who care to hold him up and support his difficult decisions; trusting is always so fucking hard.

My week wasn’t bad except for a deep, prolonged sadness at the loss of our troops. It’s triggered thoughts of my military days and how lucky I was not to have lost those serving beside me. The Cold War years were different, it was a quiet hostility we faced; an assination attempt on our President at the time (Reagan) and counter terrorism on a very different level. Loud bangs still bother me, my PTSD is more triggered by knowing what those troops are going through over there in a foreign land with the threat of terrorism all around them. It’s triggered by knowing that Afghan women and girls are in mortal danger if they are left behind. Life under Taliban rule, Islamic doctrine to be followed, will be sheer hell on women in particular – especially those who have known nothing other than the relative peace of having Americans there keeping the Taliban at bay for the last 20 years. I fear the tragedies ahead.

As we pull out the next 36 hours will be very tense – we’ve already taken on rocket fire and destroyed a truck headed for the airport laden with explosives…who knows what’s next as troops are being airlifted out now…that last flight will be the most tense with no ground cover…but we HAVE to end American participation in this endless war. It’s the right thing to do.

…now we start another week, let’s hope it’s a recovery week for everyone’s sake.

Peace… MB

Personal Thoughts

And Then Came Covid…

We first started to hear whispers of a virus raising hell in Wuhan China, they were forcing people into isolation and a militarized lockdown in the late fall of 2019, In January we had our first case in America. Short news reports, nothing major…prior to that…then in March the clouds burst, first it was a dozen people in Seatle then thousands followed. Trump didn’t know WTF to do, he had not planned for a pandemic in the midst of an election season thus he was dumbfounded and fumbled the football on the 50 yd. line for hell’s sake. He cost thousands of US lives with his hesitancy to make a plan to battle the virus’s spread and keep people safe So then next came:

**Lockdown 2020, living in isolation, ie. the lockdown #1, long boring days listening to news reports, an idiot president making it worse, Anthony Fauci telling the truth, a fast spreading pandemic costing thousands of US lives, fighting between political parties on how to handle it – or ignore it -, talk of hoaxed, shooting bleach, masks, social distancing, testing, testing, testing, waves 1, 2, 3…now 4. Vaccine deployment by the Biden Administration, nurses and doctors working endlessly, first responders getting burned out, long waits for ambulance service, mass build up of dead bodies, mobile morgues, death. The vaccine roll out starts in January 2021 in fits and starts, Once over 50% are vaccinated people begin to travel again and socialize and wham, wave #4 arrives – the delta variant.

Now it’s August 2021, not only do we have a HUGE problem with Covid we are getting burned out by 18 months of fighting amongst ourselves and watching our country fall apart in so damned many ways. During this 18 mere months we have watched cops kill black men, George Floyd dying in front of our eyes on television, white supremacists kill a white woman (Heather Heyer) in Charlottesville, the march of the white right and the rise of the Black Lives Matter movement, juxtaposition extremes. Racism is on the rise, hate fills so many, fear fills many more. Mass shooting are abundant and gun violence is on the rise faster than ever before. Now we also have the ending of a 20yr war that’s falling apart in front of the whole world as the world cries out in protest while our country cries and the unvaccinated die.

It;s getting old I said, this virus and lockdown shit. And now 99% of the new infections are among unvaccinated individuals, 33% of them children under 12, 58% white, 10% black over 60% Republicans — and they’re hell bent on not stopping this and opening the country for full on intermingling and business. Imperialism.

Boosters available starting on September 20th, doled out once again in order of risk for the virus. I am eligible on Dec 21st. I am frustrated with the deniers, anti-vaxxers and misinformation maniacs. We must become more ACTION oriented with covid – as a whole, united people – to conquer it once and for all.

So, you ask, how was my 2020? Fucked up!!! And now I am really NOT wishing to remain on this path thru the end of 2021, but it looks like that’s the way it will be. There were some good things, like more quiet time to write or read, study and research. I have become enamoured with documentaries and historical content films. I love bonfires on quiet nights, kungering through the woods for firewood beforehand. I’ve enjoyed my hobbies more and time with my dogs. I dream of much better days though, the freedom to travel once again and move around at will without having to stop and go back to the car for a damned facemask.

Make good choices people. Make good choices.

Peace ~~ MB

**Throw our Afghanistan problem in for good measure…yeah we can walk and chew gum, sure….not.

Butch Stuff


It’s going to get worse once again, before it get’s better. Covid-19 the Delta variant is racing around the world chewing up those who are without vaccinations and so virulent that it’s caused some breakthrough infections in .01% of the vaccinated – specifically those with other immune compromising conditions. In other words, here we go AGAIN with this vicious pandemic.

Here in Maine they have even found the coronavirus19 in the white tailed DEER population. So, we are NOT alone, this virus will infect anything that breathes. It’s going to be a problem for years to come at this rate. I only wish the “doubters” and “deniers” and anti-vaxxers would come around and see – and UNDERSTAND – the science and get real about prevention and vaccinations.

If they keep up their current posture on this it will keep the pandemic in a vicious cycle of replication to deadlier and deadlier variants. And, even with an improved view on vaccinations and proper protective protocol we will continue to fight the variants of this virus into the future. So, prepare for yearly boosters, better to be safe than sorry.

I’ve had a helluva week, you know, one of those weeks where the shit hits the fan…over and over again?

First my dog came up with an abscessed tooth that had to be treated, plus needed antibiotics and pain meds…cha-ching$$…she didn’t eat for a couple of feedings but now she’s back to normal and chewing on her bones.

My glasses are DONE. I’ve broken the newest pair so many times and super glued them back together…plus they are an older prescription and not working as well for me anymore. So I got my eyes tested and got a new script. Went and ordered new glasses on Tuesday in Portland. Because I wear no-line bifocals and like the digitized lenses I have to wait for them to be made and shipped to me. That was another huge expense, glasses plus prescription sun glasses too.

I am in the midst of having to replace my car. I finally settled on a 2011 Equinox and agreed to purchase it, only to arrive home afterwards to find that my house refrigerator had ended it’s life while I was out dealing with having to get new eyeglasses and securing the newer car. I lost most of the food inside of it as everything had basically thawed and come to room temperature. So there’s another big expense…

Then the refridgerator delivery guys arrive, come into the house and WHAM! Nola BITES one of them! The guy was wearing shorts, so he had bare legs and she did break the skin on the back of his right calf. It wasn’t bad, no blood or anything like that but hard enough so he winced and it did leave a mark. I was mortified to say the least. Luckily the young man brushed it off, after we cleaned it up with peroxide and made him feel safer. She HAS had all her shots and I do have copies of all the records on hand.

So, as you can see it WAS a long string of minorly unfortunate events. I kept my cool though and just dealt with whatever was happening in front of me at the moment. Made things MUCH easier to separate from and go into the solution mode of operation without stressing over the calamity of events.

The pollen count here is currently skyrocketing because the goldenrod, a weed that blooms a golden yellow, is going crazy blooming early due to the rains and cooler weather, it thinks it’s time, so POOF! let’s blow pollen all over everyone and make them all miserable. Now, I don’t have allergies BUT goldenrod in high concentration does mess with my sinuses and gives me headaches, like this evening’s headache.

Field of Goldenrod in Southern Maine
My new wheels

So, it’s been a mixed bag of misfortune turned opportunity this week for me. I’m hoping the crisises are over for a little while.

How has your week been? What’s the covid situation where you are? Do you wear your protective mask in public spaces?

Catch ya’ll later. Peace! – MB