Whew…the last few days have really sucked the bag! I’m so glad I am through it and have a much improved outlook and far better attitude this morning. I really can’t get myself all fucked up about this and let it emotionally damage me any further. It’s time to just let it go, breathe and take care of myself.
I reached out to some buddies and got some excellent advice and was able to process some of this a lot better through their words of wisdom. Thanks to my Butch pals out there…I see you Bros…I see you…. and let me not forget the femmes that reached out to me as well, much love ladies! This is my tribe; solid, caring people who see the world authentically.
I awoke this morning with a smile on my face. I laid in bed for about 10 minutes trying to figure out why I suddenly find this all just too damned stupid to be this upset about and why I feel this relief. I know why, because it is too stupid. This was a really dumbass reason to end the type of connection I had with this woman. She’s a great woman, and has many awesome qualities. And one slightly bad one – she holds onto anger like her life depends upon it. She lets little things manifest and stew inside her head far too long. I am the type that has to let that anger go or it will eat me alive. I have no time or brain space for grudges. Anger will burn you out – from the inside out, all while making you miserable and despondent.
WE all need a sense of belonging. Belonging to somewhere, something, somebody, etc. We all desire to be liked, loved and needed. Not having those things, and not belonging are some of the most dangerous hurts we can deal with in our lives. I’ve dealt with it throughout my life, yet still I try to find my place in this world and make it all make sense. It has the power to break our hearts, our spirits and our sense of self worth. When you face the breaking of those things there are only three outcomes that can happen.
- You live in constant pain and numb with substances, food, sex or bad habits.
- You deny your pain and your denial ensures that the pain manifests in you and that allows it to affect those around you.
- You find the courage to own the pain and develop a level of empathy and compassion for yourself and those around you that allow you to see hurt in the world in a unique way.
So, I am going for #3 here. I own it. I have sit with this pain myself and I need to look at it, recognize it and let it go so that I can be compassionate to others’ pain in this world. It’s not all about me, and I have to let that sink in deeply. Because there is so much other pain in this world that is so much greater and here I am crying about feeling some heartbreak.
There were some good comments left on my last blog. I appreciate all of your input out there! It’s good to know that I am not alone in this world and that these feelings will pass and I will survive to love another day.
I am not angry with her. Yes, I feel hurt and sad because I still love her deeply. I believe she is deeply hurting and very angry about so much that she’s got going on, that she cannot sort this small incident out to fit it into her world of pain. Somehow I had to be made the villian in the story so it would make some sense. I see that now. I get it. I wish she didn’t have to deal with all that she has to deal with on a daily basis, and I hope she can eventually find peace with some of it. She’s one awesome woman, strong, smart and beautiful in mind and body and I only want her to find her happiness somehow. If I cannot be part of that equation then so be it, she has to take care of herself because I cannot do it for her – no one can.
This kind of drama stuff is partially why I shied away from women for a few of the recent years. And it’s why I have always stayed far from Facebook bullshit. You can try to talk truth to bullshit, but generally it doesn’t work. So staying far from it is best all around.
I took a chance on something that I see as beautiful and worth it. I’m glad I took that chance and while I am sorry that it’s most likely ending like this. I am ok inside because I had the opportunity to experience a great connection and deep love with her. That was worth it all – every damned minute.
Today I am alright. I feel strong and resolved. I’m done torturing myself over this. It’s not doing me any good, just doing damage and making me miserable. So I’m done with it. I completely understand that it’s out of MY control at this point and I know that and there’s literally nothing I can further do about it. I tried and tried, and it didn’t work out. I’m going to get back to the present; back to real life in the here and now. so that I can take care of myself and my world.
I have much to do, much to get done and I cannot sit around and have a pity-party any longer. That party’s over. I’m pulling myself up by the bootstraps and soldiering onward. Should she decide to call me to talk it out, great, but I am not going to sit here foolishly waiting on her to decide that any longer. This has all gone on far, far too long and it must end. While I still see it as a horrible way to end such a great thing, there’s not much I can do if she does not want me in her life any longer – enough has been said.
Again, thanks to everyone who gave me great support and advice. Much love to you all. I am going to drop this subject from my blogs now. I have no need to beat a dead horse. I believe that I am a better person for having had this kind experience of love and deep connection with her and I can carry the good stuff with me and discard the rest.
Peace – MB