Thanks…I’m Doing Okay…

Hello…I wanted to put up a post to let all of my great followers know that I am doing alright. I know my last post I wrote immediately after the altercation with my friend who’s been staying here, and my letting her know it was time for her to get back to her own living space.

Again, I really don’t like confrontation, especially when it doesn’t go well or as planned. I’ve been pretty nerved up, stressed and depressed over it. I didn’t sleep at all that night, and I finally got a good nights sleep last night.

Today I spent alone mostly in my room. I needed to think and try to digest things. I did sleep quite a bit, only getting up to do some minor stuff, a quick errand and to watch the Kentucky Derby…which had a VERY bizarre outcome where the horse that won by crossing the finish line first was disqualified after doing so…

“Maximum Security led all the way home in Saturday’s 145th running of the Kentucky Derby (G1) over a sloppy track at Churchill Downs, but Country House was declared the winner after jockey Flavien Prat lodged an objection. ” Link is here for those interested…it was wild. https://www.kentuckyderby.com/horses/derby-results/2019

So, to reassure all of you that wrote me sweet, encouraging and understanding comments and support…I am doing okay, Thank you sooo much for the cyber love…you all ROCK!!!

Emotional pain and inner turmoil is something I am trying to learn to deal with in better ways. I know sleeping most of the day today wasn’t exactly ‘better” but I think my body and brain need the break from all obligations, conversation and I needed to kind of “re-boot” and figure out how to deal with things while this transition is taking place over the next few weeks.

She will be leaving by June 15th as I wanted, possibly sooner. We are both attempting to act as normal as we can right now and be civil to one another. That is making this a little easier. The dogs know that something is up and they have been acting out. Lulu literally made herself sick the night we had the altercation and Nola has been acting very sad and mopey. The both stayed very close to me today, snuggled right up next to me as I slept. They know when I am hurting and are very sweet with their concern for me.

I will get in to see my therapist this coming week. I think a couple of visits this week will be helpful. And I am trying to eat sensibly and drink plenty of water. The last thing I need right now is to get some sort of bug.

My Babe is coming on May 16th for a long weekend visit!!! I’m stoked for that! She’s going to be solo this visit as her daughter will stay with her Dad, who’s a pretty great guy. I got to see the two of them interacting when I visited and it’s pretty obvious that she’s pretty enamoured with him. They were watching Bohemian Raphsody, and then the recording of the first Live Aid. The kid REALLY loves rock music and watching people perform – it’s pretty cool that a 4 yr old has that kind of love for great music!

It’s time for me to sign off. I hope you all have a great weekend!!!

Peace! ~MB

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Confrontation…sucks.

I’ve been up all night dealing with a very stressful, emotional and frustrating situation here in my home. Let me start by telling you all that I am not good at confrontation. There’s history with me and confrontation…history that goes all the way back to early childhood if I am truthful, which I always aim to be!

I don’t believe that anyone likes confrontation, when you must directly deal with a person verbally, in person, about a subject or issue that you most likely disagree on or one of you has a problem with. For instance, when I was a kid and I did something out of line I knew that I would have to face my father, a former US Marine and police officer. Those were my first dealings with confrontation. I generally lost and the lectures could be brutal.

When I moved out of my parents’ house at 18, a week after graduation, to move in with my then “boyfriend” you KNOW that caused some serious ill feelings. I was raised old-school. No sex before marriage. No living together before marriage. Etc. I was starting to grow angry with people by this point and I was speaking my mind; fighting back.

Then I started to drink at 19…I would get into arguments, fist-fights and verbal boxing matches; all just various forms of human confrontation.

I out grew the rowdiness of my early 20’s after a few years. I quit drinking (I was one who did not NEED alcohol, it just made me mean and into a total asshole at times). When I quit drinking at 32 I got into counselling, talk therapy on a weekly basis. My temper got much better as I learned the reasons behind some of my anger with the world and with certain people in my sphere. I learned to use tools of conversation, discussion, cooperation and compromise. I became a MUCH better person and learned how to deal with people in a much more mature and civil way. Still, I did not like confrontation and would avoid it if possible.

I spent the last 2-3 days in my room at my home with the door closed. I came out to eat, us the bathroom and tend the dogs. They stayed with me, of course. They wouldn’t have it any other way. I needed to think. I needed to be alone. I had to deal with my best friend about her plan going forward now that she has had her knee replaced and has gotten on disability so she has an income. She’s been staying with me for months, and prior to her staying here I was doing many things to help her survive without an income. I was happy to do it as she is my best friend. I let her stay here, with her cat, believing at first that it was to help her through a bad spot. It started as a temporary thing. Her plan was to go to rehab and then move in with her son. That never materialized.

She had her knee replaced a month ago. She had been dealing with not being able to use it for years, and then in November 2018 she ended up in the hospital for about 6 weeks with a major infection in the knee area that ate 2 inches of her shin bone, the knee (what was left of it by then) and did lots of damage. The infection was so serious that she had to be hospitalized and IVed with heavy-duty antibiotics. When she got out of the hospital I brought her here because she could not navigate stairs at her own house, had no heat, no running water and was on borrowed time before the electric got cut off. The house was also in default, so it wasn’t going to be hers much longer. Thus, I didn’t mind having her here; taking care of her and helping her through the recovery.

I helped her apply for disability and insurance. Finally a month ago she had the bad knee replaced with a titanium one, and rods inserted in both the shin bone and the thigh bone to pull it all together. It was a pretty successful surgery and she’s healing well. She’s not doing her physical therapy though, which aggravates the hell out of me. Her knee won’t last long or work very well without the therapy. She’s not making a good choice by forgoing it.

So, I’ve been at this for about a year now. And lately it’s been on my mind that she really needs to find a permanent place to live. Rent a room from someone in town or something. She really only needs a room as that’s where she spends 90% of her time. A room in a house with access to the bathroom and kitchen. That would be perfect for her and easy enough to find. But I doubt she will even look for one.

Tonight she got on me asking why I was in my room and so quiet. I had wanted to wait to sit down with her and have a nice conversation; explain to her what I was feeling and what I needed and what I expected from her. Finally , I told her. I need to get my space back and she needs to find a permanent place to live. Sleeping on the couch in my back sunroom just is not a permanent thing and was never intended to be from the beginning.

We get along great. I’ve loved having her here and loved helping her out. I love her cat. It’s been very nice. It’s just that I don’t want it to be permanent. She needs to get out on her own and get back to taking care of herself. She needs to find a room, get a used car, take care of her outstanding business and get back to living her own life. She lived alone for years in her big old house, right up until the infection in her knee where she had to be hospitalized. She couldn’t go back to that house then because of the lacking facilities. And I didn’t mind helping her out; best friends DO that kind of stuff.

I am very frustrated with how it went. She didn’t take it well. Didn’t even let me finish talking to her. All she heard was “move” and she shut down completely. Wouldn’t have a rational conversation with me about it. Wouldn’t let me fully explain or tell her my ideas of a plan to help her get this done. She raged and cried. Then she flipped me off and told me I wasn’t her mother. I didn’t understand and I got ANGRY at that point; all civil conversation, negotiation and discussion went up in smoke at that moment. Our voices were both raised and we were both frustrated and angry with one another. It was obvious that we had very different visions of the future.

Because she IS my bestie and I love her like a very close sister, I do not relish the idea of her cutting me out of her life over this. I do not see this as so drastic that we have to remain angry and not speak to each other ever again, resulting in the death of our close bond and wonderful friendship. I understand that she wants to continue to live here. I gave her an option of renting my spare room from me, but she insists that she can’t possibly handle paying that much rent. I won’t even go into the amount, just let me say it’s everything except food, personal toiletries, and cell phone costs…and it’s very reasonable. I know what she will start receiving in SSDI benefits and I know it’s completely do-able, leaving her plenty of cash for incidentals over the month. Hell, I do it on LESS than what she gets! You just have to be creative, smart and active in making it happen for yourself. Hell, I was making it happen for BOTH of us for a LONG ASS TIME! Give me a break, she could easily make it work if she just put her mind into it and TRIED or even made the CHOICE to TRY and COMMIT herself to DOING IT for HERSELF! I have all the confidence in her that she CAN do this, she just has to WANT to do it. Plain and simple.

I wanted to sit down -back hiding in my room – and write about this immediately. I had to get it out of my head and make sure I am not being unreasonable. I suggested she take the next SIX weeks to pull everything together – plent of time for anyone! And I also offered my assistance with anything I could help with during her search for the right arrangement.

She didn’t want to hear any of it. Stubborn. Irrational. Stupid. That’s how she’s acting currently. I do hope she will think about this and adopt a better, more winning attitude. This isn’t the end of the world, it’s just a change that has to happen in her life. I should have thought the whole thing through and made sure she understood that I didn’t want this to be an on-going thing. I want my zen room back. I want my privacy back and I want my bestie to visit and hangout like we used to – each living in our own places. Hind-sight is 20/20 they say. I’m sorry it ended up in a battle. I hope we can discuss it civilly at some point. Of course, she says she’s moving out immediately; going to Crossroads, the homeless shelter…maybe she said that just to evoke some pity, maybe she’s serious. Its a damned shame if she is serious. She’s better than this, she’s smart and resourceful and can easily deal with this if she’ll just put herself out there and DO IT. No one can do this for her. Time to get back on her own, like we all strive to be; self-sufficient and proud.

Anyway, that was my night. I hated it. I wish I had waited like I planned, but she badgered me about it and I had to tell her my request tonight. I guess we will see what happens now. I want the best for her. I hope she makes good, solid decisions for herself As she said, I’m NOT her mother, son, or wife. And she’s not any of those things to me. While I felt bad that her family wouldn’t help her out with a place to live, so I stepped in, but I did my part. I did all I could do for her and now it’s time for her to get back out there and reclaim her life. I know she can do it. I wish her the very best and I will be here if she wants to talk, wants my help with moving or wants any advice about anything I can assist with now.

Some days (and nights) just don’t pan out like you expect them to. This was one of them.

I need some SLEEP and to collect my thoughts. I might even call my therapist and make an appointment. I need a mental tune up after last night. Really bad.

Hope you are all doing well! Peace!!! ~MB

Making it Work…My LDR Experience

I’m heavily involved with a woman in a very long-distance relationship. I am madly in love with my woman and i believe the feeling is mutual for her as well. We met about 18 months ago online and hit it off very quickly. Neither of us were looking for any sort of “relationship” like the one that has taken us both by major surprise! I am super happy being with her; being around her and just having her in my life in whatever ways I can manage to make that happen.

She works especially hard at keeping us in tight contact and in visiting me as much as she possibly can manage. She also has an almost 4 yr old daughter who requires major amounts of her time and energy. It’s been really terrific how she has allowed me to fit into her busy life; welcoming me into her heart and her home.

At the beginning of this month I took a flight down to Texas to spend 5 days with her and the little one, in their space and learning about how their lives go and what they like to do.I have to say that it was the most relaxing and awesome 5 days for me. She treats me so incredibly good. I don’t know what good deed I did that brought this major good karma to me in the form of her and her love for me, but whatever it was I hope I keep doing it! I truly do not want this to ever end. Ever.

I could see myself completely in a full-time daily relationship with this woman very, very easily and I believe I would absolutely love every minute of it – like I love every minute I spend with her. The electricity between us in high-voltage for sure. She is definitely my Kryptonite.

The most difficult thing for me is the distance and the communication at times. I miss the things that can only be had in a closer vicinity relationship, like daily kisses, dinner together and discussing our days, sleeping next to the one I love the most in this world and waking up next to her in the morning. These are the things you give up when you agree to a long-distance relationship. What makes them easier for me is that when we ARE together everything is so very important; every moment, every second counts twice as much. I find that I cannot fill my vision with enough of her and her smile, her eyes and those sexy lips so I am often staring at her alot when we are together. I value our time in the presence of one another more than anything. And it’s very hard when we again have to go our separate ways and back to the lives we live daily without each other’s physical presence and touch.

I have said in the past that I wouldn’t do another LDR, but I was swept off my path by the entry of this incredible woman into my life. We started by just innocently talking online, by email and then by messenger. One thing lead to another and we began Skyping – which is a terrific way to get to know someone from a distance in my opinion. I found myself very drawn to her; moreso every time we spoke and every time I saw her beautiful face on my computer screen or her name come up in my messenger on my phone. I got excited to hear from her, even the smallest things I wanted to know about her and wanted to talk to her about. I love that she is super smart and very dedicated to her daughter, her job and her life in Texas. I love that she has somehow found ways to make time to fit me into that picture as well. She means the whole world to me.

I don’t usually connect with women who contact me online looking to date or hook up. It’s a sketchy thing to me. I don’t trust people and I am a miser with my time and energy. When she contacted me I didn’t realize it would result in major feelngs and changes in my life. I didn’t realize it would lead to a deep and growing love and passion beyond expectations, but it did and I am extremely happy that it has worked out this way.

We’ve been doing this long-distance thing now for about 16 months…We have managed to see one another every 6-8 weeks since the beginning. We did just extended that and went almost 3 months without any face-to-face time and it was EVILLY HARD!!! We decided we didn’t like that at all and are going to try to stick closer to the six to eight week schedule that worked better for us. I just hope we can keep it working on that schedule somehow.

I know I give up a lot by choosing long-distance love. Some days I want someone who is right here with me, who wakes up with me and has morning coffee and sleepy chat. It’s harder just being alone all the time. No one to depend on, no one to share with, no one to notice things and no one to understand the days. I’ve contemplated a more poly arrangement, but I don’t believe a substitute in my bed would really workout very well. Plus, finding a woman who would be amendable to that type of arrangement would be a tad more difficult. No, I know who has my heart and who I want in my bed. Enough said.

We each choose to be exactly where we are at this moment simply by doing the things we have done and continue to do. That is our reality.

Texas…Day One

I’m currently in Houston visiting my girl. It’s nice to be away from Maine and the cooler weather. Although it’s spring there, it’s still wicked cold! It’s pretty nice for me here, warmer temps, nice breeze, sunshine and lots of blooming wildflowers painting the landscape. Plus, she’s here and that counts the most for me!

I flew in early today. The flight was pretty unremarkable as I slept the whole damned way! Houston is HUGE. Far larger of a city than I am even close to being near! It may be the largest city I’ve ever been too…although LA is pretty damned big too! Houston has sprawl, as my girl tells me, it seems to go on forever in all directions. I am NOT used to a place this large or sprawling. She’ll definitely be doing all of the driving around these crazy highways! I’ll take the sightseer’s seat next to her and just try to look cool! 🙂

I’ll be here until Sunday night. I hadn’t been to Texas in quite some time and the last time I was mostly out in the Austin area. A friend from my days in Austin caught wind that I was here and he happens to also live in Houston right now, so we are going to have coffee or something before I leave. I’m not really going to be here all that long and my main focus this trip is to spend time with her and the kiddo. We haven’t seen each other in 3 months…which is double the time we are used to being apart. The long-distance dance is a delicate one, and not for the weak of heart.

So I am off to enjoy a few days of bliss in Texas. I’ll try to post every day while I’m here.

Peace! ~MB

Share this:

Greetings. I do hope that you who are reading this are doing well, staying healthy and managing your stress well in this chaotic world spinning around us all. These are trying times; my own stress level has been pretty high, so this week I had to cut way back on my consumption of televised news coverage – especially of the USA’s current political debacle. It just makes me insane and an insane MainelyButch is not a good thing! heh heh. It’s been about 3 days now, and I’m feeling much less craziness in my head.

Spring has arrived. On Wednesday, the first day of Spring and the Vernal Equinox, I got up really early, before dawn, and drove down to the town beach to watch the sun rise. The velvet black sky was clear and the stars twinkled as they faded and the sky grew lighter. It was a gorgeous morning, clear and quiet – just what I needed, some peaceful beauty. I took advantage of the time and shot a whole sequence of photos, from before dawn to sunrise. The pictures came out nice. I’m adding some to the post for your enjoyment. Let me know what you think!

My first shot…I had been at the beach about 20 minutes and it was growing lighter gradually.

The ocean was so very calm; sweet day for the first day of Spring 2019

…it’s coming up, geting brighter!

First light…this is a spectacular moment in the sunrise!

And there’s the sun…rising over the northern Atlantic Ocean as seen from the southern coast of Maine. 3-20-2019

I tried to make those photos fit better here, but I am having issues this morning with WP’s new layout…not sure I am a fan of this “block” system. I will keep working on getting better with the platform.

I took my dogs, Nola and Lulu, with me to the beach, which they enjoyed immensely! It was quite cold, about 20 F so they didn’t stay on the beach long before they ran back for the warmth of the heated car. Funny girls.

After the beach and some chores at home I had to take my friend to the doctor’s for a pre-surgery check in. We took the dogs with us. On the first day of Spring the local Dairy Queen ice-cream shops have “free cone” day, so we went there after her appointment – dogs in tow, of course! They absolutely LOVE ice cream and Dairy Queen’s soft-serve is their favorite. Lulu has bad reactions to milk based foods (milk, real ice cream, cheese) so DQ’s soft-serve is best for her when they’re allowed the ice cream treat. It doesn’t make her sick like other milk-based products.

her comes the ice-cream!

SCORE!!!

After our adventurous morning I came home and worked on a bit of organization in my shed but it needs quite a lot more. I need to just dump everything out and reorganize it completely on a warmer day in the near future. I tend to collect things and I am always seeing items and thinking about ways I can repurpose them. My buddy teases me about it incessantly because I am a thrift and antique store addict. I love those places and the messier they are the better; sifting through to find the treasures no one else envisions. I see an item and I start the mental reconstruction that turns it into something else; maybe something useful or decorative. You just never know. The “one man’s junk is another man’s treasure” is totally true for me. I have some great collecting stories of exciting and unique finds.

I have been working on an outline for a podcast. I am going to be podcasting on Stitcher. I will be posting a link once I get the pilot episode finished and up for listening. Any ideas are super welcome! I am also going to be contacting some of my followers to be guest hosts. The podcast will be focused on LGBT+ topics, interviews, guests, Q&As, and movie/book/music reviews. Of course it will be leaning toward the Butch-femme dynamic and community interests because that’s how my brain is wired. I am kind of excited about it and hope I can do a decent job. If you have any ideas, requests, possible topics, etc please drop me an email or leave it in the comments. I am looking for your input!!!

Ok, it’s early on Friday morning, I have to work in about an hour, so I am going to end this here and wish you all a Fantastic Freaky Friday!

Peace ~ MB

Reaction to the Methodist Church’s Anti-LGBT+ Declaration

I’ve been contemplating writing this blog post for days now…since the conference and decision by the United Methodist church to treat LGBT people differently; to deny them marriage ceremonies and the opportunity to serve in the church by ordination.

Let me first tell you that I am not very heavily involved in my church, which is the United Methodist Church, but I was raised in the church, attending Sunday school and later participating in teen Youth Group and Sunday services. I was baptized in the UMC at age 12 and today I go occasionally to remind myself of my upbringing and to see the people at church who I didn’t get to see otherwise very often.

The church I attended, since I was a toddler, was St. Mark’s United Methodist Church in Kittery, Maine. It was very old, built in the 19th century and if walls could talk I am sure it had many memories and secrets it could tell. I once kissed my boyfriend while we were up in the belfry to ring the bell calling people to church one Sunday when I was just a kid. I learned the “trust fall” in our Youth Group meeting one evening in my teens. I attended weddings, funerals, services and special events at this church. I sang hymns from the old wooden pews, prayed with my congregation, and put my money in the offering plate as it was passed from person to person toward the end of every service. After church services on Sundays, I would gather with the rest of the people in the community room downstairs and drink coffee, have sweet snacks, and chat about life with the others. I shared in love, laughter, anger, sadness, and tears with those people. They were my church family. And somehow I always thought they would continue to be that family when I needed them.

Then, during a huge convention held by the UMC, comes this completely hateful judgement against the LGBT+ community of the Methodist Church; against a community that has dutifully supported that church and who were formerly proud to be treated fairly equally by the UMC – at least here in the USA. A formed statement denying the LGBT+ members church marriages, the opportunity to serve the church in formal capacity, and any equality with non-LGBT+ members.

My own church always seemed so welcoming and I once even spoke before the congregation about being a lesbian living with HIV even. Now I discover that what I formerly believed about the UMC is all based upon lies. My church is control and owned by a governing body that openly declares and professes that it will provide NO support, inclusion, protection or tolerance for the LGBT+ members.

The whole thing makes me sick. It makes me angry and sad at the same time. All of those years I had been supportive of my church and had been proud to be a member now mean absolutely nothing. My existence is an abomination to God in their governing body’s eyes and minds.

I am sure that not all of the private members of the UMC church share these feelings, LGBT+ or not, I know I have supporters but it’s the whole damned idea of being shunned in this fashion on the world stage. I have read that many of the congregations around the country have bucked this decision and are telling us they love and support us despite this ruling and I appreciate that but it doesn’t negate the fact of the matter.

It is high time to END federal tax exemption for ALL religious organizations. Time to stop treating churches like they are “neutral” spaces – because they are NOT. Churches preach political views, are homophobic, bigoted and racist organizations and it’s high time we stop supporting this behavior being perpetrated in the name of “God” and “religious freedom” – BULLSHIT is what it truly is.

Atheism is looking mighty good these days.

Take a Better Look

Another blogger, Fandango and a blogger he follows, Efisoul63, came up with a series of “getting to know you better” questions that I thought were kind of interesting. And knowing how eager all of you want to know MainelyButch better, I decided to post my answers.

What keeps you up at night?

Mostly the political news emanating from my country, the USA, right now. I am very concerned about the leader of the country possibly being a Russian agent and systematically destroying the tenants of our country. I am very worried about the rise of hatred, discourse and increased poverty that is happening here. It feels so strange feeling so insecure about America in this way. I’ve never worried about our democracy like this before in my 57 years on this planet – until Jan. 2017, the day the world order changed for all of us.

What’s the most surprising self-realization you’ve had?

That I really am enough. I fought to figure out who I was for decades in my youth; struggling with drug and alcohol abuse which I used to hide my insecurities about who I am. I wasted time trying to be things that other people wanted me to be, instead of just being my authentic self. Once I came to grips with this and worked through some of the specifics I found myself far happier and more contented with my life.

What’s the most illegal thing you’ve done?

This is a dangerous question! I have on both sides of the law for much of my life. Today I stay on the right side, out of trouble and safely within the legal zone. Any illegality I was into involved illicit drug procurement. I never did anything that hurt anyone else, no thievery, damage, harm or hurt.

What lie do you tell most often?

I don’t like lying at all. I work to be very honest in all of my affairs, so I am not aware of any lie that I tell – especially one with any consistency.

What do you regret not doing?

Sometimes I regret not making the military a career and in until retirement. I was a damned good soldier and I liked the lifestyle – except the part where I had to deny my sexuality as a lesbian, that is why I chose to eventually get out when the time came for me. I would have loved to have stayed in the Army and done more traveling and service to my country.

What gives your life meaning?

The love of my family and my girlfriend. I am so lucky to have all of their support behind me in all that I do, and I will never forget that for a second.

What do you most often look down on people for? What do you think other people look down on you for?

I’m not sure I’d call it “looking down” but I really question the intelligence of anyone who is a “Trump follower” and who actually believes his rhetoric and the hundreds of lies he has told. I feel that people choose to not seek out the facts or fact the reality of things, instead they blindly follow his lead – which they will eventually come to regret.

As far as others “looking down” on me…maybe because I have not always lead the most exemplary life; not always done the “right” things according to the views of others. Not that I really care about those opinions now, but there was a time that I let those things affect me in the worst of ways.

What bridges do you not regret burning?

All of those connections I previously had to a darker side of life.

What are you most insecure about?

Sometimes I wonder if I am really on the right path, doing the right things for myself because at times I feel I have grown a bit complacent with life. Finances have been a point of insecurity for me so I have been trying hard to rein in things and live well within my means by making smarter and better choices with my money.

How do you get in the way of your own success?

I am a great procrastinator. I often wait too long to pull the trigger. It’s a hard habit to break. In fighting depression I often am lower energy, which just adds to the procrastination factor.

What’s one thing you did that you really wish you could go back and undo?

Life happens but armed with the knowledge I have today I wish I hadn’t dabbled in the darker world of drugs for so long or so deep. That’s my only real reversal wish.

What are you afraid people see when they look at you?T

That I am much rougher looking than I really am inside. I may look tough, but I have a big heart and am a kind person. Looks can be deceiving.

Well, this was kind of fun. I look forward to doing more of these types of questionnaires as they come across my reader list. Hope you all enjoyed this! Maybe some of you would like to give it a shot too!