Role Models

So, I got up on Monday and made the decision in my head to drag my ass out of the stupid funk that I had gotten into, change my attitude and to have a good week.  And…it worked.  I’ve been very upbeat all week.  And tonight I even invited my parents over to my place for a small backyard cookout.  It was awesome.  They even seemed to relax and enjoy themselves.  The place looks mighty good, and they were pretty impressed with all the work I have done and how it looked.  That made me very proud and put a big smile on my face.

For my whole life I have been trying to please my father.  I don’t know why; perhaps it’s because he is my father and I have the utmost respect for the man.  As a young person I envied him, emulated him and secretly wanted to be just like him.  Of course I was too young to understand all that that really entailed – like now I know I don’t want to be just like him.  He’s politically my polar opposite, and I could never go there.  But as a man of principles and eithics I always put him on a pedestal and tried to live up to what he wanted…or what I thought that he wanted from me.  In my 30’s I realized this constant need to please my father had been a real problem for me all of my life.  Therapy opened that door for me and taught me a lot.  Yet, still today it gives me much pleasure when he is pleased with me for some reason.  I’m sure the therapist would have a lot to say about it still.  I also fear the man immensely.  I fear his anger, his disapproval and his hate.  I avoid him most of the time, but there is a part of me that would really like to be closer to the guy.  It’s an emotional rollercoaster for me, one I am sure I will continue to deal with until the end.

Role models are important to young people.  When I was growing up I had my parents as role models.  Like any child I watched them intently and copied those things that I admired in them.  My Dad was a super strong dude, a Marine, then a cop, then a builder and business owner.  He is the epitomy of masculinity.  As a youngster I already understood that I was attracted to women, I thought at the time that I was supposed to be a boy and some mistake had been made.  I felt like a boy.  I acted like a boy.  I tried to copy the masculine traits of my father.  Many times I remember standing in the bathroom door watching him shave.  Is there really anything more masculine than shaving your face?  I think not.  Each pass of the razor over his face would make this “szzzh” sound as whiskers yielded under the sharp blade.  I always wanted to shave…to make that sound and feel the razor on my skin.  Of course, this desire kind of dissipated as I grew older.  I eventually became aware that I am female and that wasn’t going to change, but that I could still be as masculine as I felt and that it’s okay to just be me.

I get notes from younger LGBT people occasionally talking about how they need good role models in their lives.  Often these kids are secluded in more rural parts of the country where there isn’t a visible gay community of any kind for them to reach out to.

I sympathize with them because when I was growing up I didn’t have any other lesbians around me to reach out to either.  Always knowing that I was different from the other girls I hung out with, and hiding it like hell.  I wish that I had had role models, that I could have come out at a younger age and not had to go through all the crap that I put myself through when I was struggling with my own sexuality, thinkin I was going to hell and that I was some kind of freak.  It would have helped me to know that I wasn’t alone in the world, like I felt I was.

In today’s world we have the opportunity to BE good role models for those young LGBT people coming up behind us.  They are watching us.  They want to know what to do, how to do it and what needs to be done.  They want to carry on the legacy, the pride and the fight for equality.  We need to be aware of them; encourage them and nurture them.  It is our job to show them the way and to explain to them where we have been; where we came from.  We need to remember that the world has become more open than it ever was when we were growing up and coming into our own as adults.  There are new dangers out there now with the internet and globalization of things.  But there are still the old dangers too…the hate, the hippocracy, the homophobia and the violence.  Keep them alert, aware and yet don’t embed them with unnecessary fear of being themselves.

We each have a story, a history, and a way of being in this crazy world, it’s important to pass that knowledge on to the future.  In being role models we need to tell our stories, tell how we dealt with things, how hard it was and how rewarding it is.  We need to pass on the pride of the LGBT community; pride in overcoming so many obstacles and in living loving lives despite much of the world being against us.  And show them that you can lead a great, productive and contributing life no matter who you identify as.

So that is what I think about when I think about being a role model to younger LGBT individuals.  I want our community to be more cohesive, to come together and to be a stronger voice for all.  And I want those who are younger to realize that community is important and supporting one another is vital to our mutual survival.  What do you think?  Are you being a good role model for those who look up to you in life?

Peace.  ~MB

Just Things…

I been in one of my stupid “funks” for over a week.  Just don’t have any enthusiasm for life when I get like this.  I just want to hide from the world, not interact with others and stay in my own private space.  And I don’t want to talk about it at all.

Today is the anniversary of the Pulse night club fire in Orlando Florida.  I’ve been thinking about it all day.  How those people were partying and having a blast and their night turned to horror with fatal results for 49 innocent people.  All because some stupid mother fucker had it out for the LGBT community.  It sucks.  It’s just not right.  And what makes me even madder today is that our idiot “presicent” did not even take 2 minutes to speak to the memories of these 49 lost souls.  You KNOW that any other President, like Obama, would have done that for sure.  Just more proof that he hates our community and is wanting us erased.

Today it was 94 degrees here….THAT is VERY hot.  After work I came home and retreated to my air conditioned bedroom.  Then my friends came over and we got the other A unit installed in the main living area of the house.  It’s working now to bring the temperature down out there to a tolerable degree.  Around 7pm, as the sun was going down, I went outside and watered all of my gardens and container plants.  Then I got very brave and mowed all of the lawns.  It looks great, and it’s DONE for the week.  Now I have the next 2 days off and don’t have to worry about mowing in the 90+ degree heat!

…ok, I wrote the above 3 paragraphs last night before I fell asleep…

This morning I am awake and have a new attitude for the day.  I got myself cleaned up and dressed nice and early and I am determined to do something fun – or at least something that I enjoy – today.  It’s going to be another scorcher outside today, so it would be a good day for the beach or the pool.  I do have to consider the dogs…of course they would love to go to the beach, but they would also restrict what I would be able to do.  I can’t leave them in the hot car or really relax while keeping an observant eye on mischievous little Lulu.

I am thinking I am going to go to the BARBER shop and get my annual super Butch haircut…it’s time to shave it all off!  Yes, that’s where I am going to start the day… and I am OFF!!! Bye!

Peace!  ~MB

Shame and Embarrassment

Today our country, or most of it, came to a sort of 3 hour stand still while we were all riveted to the television watching James Comey testify in Washington DC.  Everyone wanted to hear what he had to tell us about his meetings with Trump, about his being fired by Trump and anything else he could tell us about what the hell was going on with Trump and Russia.

What I took away from listening to Comey was that we are going to be dealing with a “he said, he said” situation here.  It’s his word against Trumps.  We know one is an outright liar here.  One is NOT telling the truth.  I find it very, very hard to believe that a man who has served 3 presidents now, and who never had any problem until he started investigating the Russian interference in our elections would be the liar.  No, I believe that it is our current President that is lying through his teeth to the American public, to his constituents and to the whole world.  Comey says that Trump claims to have tapes of their meetings, I hope that he does and that he produces them, I want to hear those tapes.  So does everyone else I am sure.  But I suspect that those tapes have long been destroyed or hidden.  Trump will not chance producing them now.  He knows he will be caught in the lies for sure.

Half of Comey’s testimony was behind closed doors, in a classified environment.  We didn’t get to see or hear that.  But one thing that came out of it was the revelation that Jeff Sessions, our current Attorney General, had a 3rd meeting with the Russians….this guy is going to resign this week…betcha.  He is dirty; very dirty.  And he knows it.

Comey also confirmed, with no doubt at all, that the Russians DID INDEED interfere with the 2016 Presidential election, and other elections as well.  And they did it in a MAJOR way.  This has been confirmed by 17 security agencies, including the FBI.  THIS is something that we all need to be the most concerned with, because they will do this again with the 2018 and 2020 elections as well.  Comey tried very hard today to make that point very clear.  And he would know this information for sure, as he was the head of that investigation until he was fired.

It’s very hard to be an American citizen right now.  And I have always been a very proud American; proud of my country and of our standing in the world.  But right now we have become the laughing stock of the world.  Great Britain won’t even host our President for a visit, saying why would they roll out the red carpet for someone who has such opposite views and who is insulting their people, like Trump did to the mayor of London after the other day’s terrorist attack?  I don’t blame them one bit, I wouldn’t give the guy any special treatment or welcome him into my home either.  He’s made me ashamed to be an American who is represented by such a hateful, ignorant, and pompous ass.  He has made us look selfish with his “America First” rhetoric and policies.  He pulls us out of the Paris Climate Agreement and puts us in a category with countries like Syria and Nicaragua…yeah, just who we want to be classed with.  He pushes his way to the front, shoving other world leaders aside so that HE can be in the front and center of any pictures being taken.  And he has treated Angela Merkel with such rudeness that it’s so embarrassing that I want to write her a letter of apology.  I lived in her beautiful country for 2 years, and I was always treated so well by the German citizens that I had contact with, and Trump treated her like dirt.  I think he is completely threatened by her because she is a woman and she is in a position of power – he HATES that.

Yes, we Americans are embarrassed and ashamed right now.  And we are very much STUCK with this guy.  Our Republican party of politicians is protecting him, the Russian government is protecting him, hell  somehow he’s become sort of bullet proof.  He seems to be able to do ANYTHING he pleases without recrimination or punishment of any kind.  He once said that he could stand in the middle of the street in NYC and shoot someone and no one would do anything about it….I am seriously beginning to BELIEVE that that is true!!!  I do NOT understand WHY he is so protected and bullet proof.  I don’t understand WHY our representatives cannot seem to do anything about his horrible behavior and lack of manners, about his ignorance about government and policy or about his committing treason without consequences!  Ryan said today that he’s “new at this” and “has a lot to learn”.  You would have thought that they would have chosen a candidate that didn’t need full on schooling to do the job.  But they nominated and elected this reality TV bozo who is dumber than a box of rocks!

The people of America, the majority of us, are NOT in agreement with Trump.  He was NOT elected by popular vote.  The election was compromised by the Russians, and it was stolen.  This is unprecedented in American history, and we do not know how to deal with it at all.  We protest, we speak out, we protest some more, there have been riots, and confrontations.   Hate crimes here are on the rise…they are happening daily now.  It has become a hostile atmosphere.  Trump and his crooked Republican constituents are WRECKING America day by day.  They are trying to keep the press from reporting, trying to keep people from exercising their right to freedom of speech (which is protected by our First Amendment – something that Trump wants to change)  and trying to restrict our freedom to peacefully protest.

It’s only been 139 days….God help us. I pray that more brave souls like James Comey and the woman who leaked the RSA document, Liberty Leigh Winner, will come forward and be as patriotic as these two have been.  I hope we can survive this horrible corruption of our government, and attacks on our personal freedoms before it is too late.  And most of all I hope that we can all stand together, united, and weather this storm.

With any luck Trump will find a conscience and resign.

Peace.  ~MB

 

 

Great Day!

I had a really great day today.  Not that anything really special happened or anything like that, but it was just a good fucking day.

I woke up still worried about my buddy who I wrote about yesterday.  So, after I got myself together I drove over to her house to check in on her and she was fine.  Thank goodness for that.  I then went up and spent the morning at my mother’s helping her sort through her extensive collection of Royal Doulton statues and figurines.  She’s decided to sell the collection off.  So we cleaned them all up, inventoried them and got them ready to place in the consignment shop in town.

It was just super sweet to spend some time with my mother.  She is probably the person that I most admire in this life.  She is as genuine as they come; kind, compassionate, full of love and life, and she has always been there for me when I have needed her.  I totally admire the woman.  I just hope that her goodness and her traits are rubbing off on me.  Other people meet my mom and instantly love her too.  She is just the type of person who is open and honest and accepting of everyone.  Her warmth and enthusiasm for life is contagious.  I hope I have many more years hanging out with her on my days off, she really makes me smile.

I came home and got the yard all mowed and trimmed.  The place looks stellar.  This coming Saturday is the annual community yard sale and I wanted everything done and looking as good as possible before the weekend.  I’ve been gathering items that I wish to sell and getting things ready to display.  I don’t have as much this time around.  I did a good job last year cleaning out unwanted and unneeded items during last year’s sale.  But I do have a couple of boxes of stuff and a lawn mower and some other excess stuff in the shed.  So maybe I’ll make a little extra pocket money this weekend, that would be sweet.

I started the pumpkins and the cucumbers in the garden.  One hundred and ten days to harvest, so they should be ready come late September.  I’ll be excited to see what kind of crop I manage to get this year.  I am trying some new seeds that are supposed to produce giant pumpkins and some others that produce carving and baking type pumpkins.  The cukes I planted this year are the Mediterranean type, long and slender.  I hope they do well too.

So that was my day….I hope you all had a good day as well!   Peace!  ~MB

 

Our Stories…an inspired post

I have been blogging now for so many years that I really have to stop and research when I first started…I think it was sometime around 2005 that I first started blogging on AOL.  It’s been a good amount of years for sure.  I printed out all of my AOL blogs when I stopped using AOL, so I have them in printed form – just not in digital form.  I am thinking about this because I have been reading MiddleAgeButch’s blogs on writing our stories, which are really excellent blogs!

Telling our stories is an important thing, especially to leave marks on the history of the LGBT community.  I write because I love to write; it’s an outlet for me and if I can tell my story and it helps even one person along the way then I will have made a small difference in the world.  Everyone has their story.  I have mine and you have yours.  Sometimes we can relate to each other through our life stories; finding common threads and experience.  We can all be storytellers.

My story is about growing up feeling very “different” and not understanding exactly why until I became more aware of sex and sexuality.  Then it hit me that I was lesbian.  I remember looking the word up in the dictionary. “Ah Ha! That’s me”  My story is about holding that secret very closely, with a lot of fear and anxiety, for many years.  It’s about coming out in a time when it wasn’t cool to be gay.  And about life before we knew what HIV &  AIDS were, never realizing that life was about to completely change for so many of us.  Some chapters are about dealing with emotions and feelings in all the wrong ways, about drinking, drugs and wandering in the wrong directions.  Then you get to chapters of growth, acceptance and realization.  All of the stories of my life have brought me to where I am today.  And today is a good day.

I love reading the other author’s blogs on WordPress.  There really are some super writers on here.  I follow quite a number of them, and while I don’t get to read every entry every day, I do catch up with my favorites every week or so.  Some I do read daily when I can.

I think it’s really great that so many LGBT people have taken to blogging and writing down our stories for the world to read.  It’s important to the coming generations to be able to find us through our stories and to understand the history of our people.  I know it has been life changing for me, in many ways, to read the stories of those who fought this battle before me, of the Stonewall Riots, the Butch-femme histories of the early 20th century.  I always look to read as much from other Butch-femme lesbians as I can.  Some of my favorite reads are “Stilettos and Steel,” “Stone Butch Blues”, and “Butch is a Noun” and “Tomboy Survival Guide”…all of which are stories that address various periods and what it’s been like being Butch during them.  All have made great contributions to the history of the LGBT movement, in my opinion, and I would highly recommend them to young readers looking to know more about our history.

I was also reading another blog about people we admire and the qualities that they typify that we admire in them.  I found it to be really intriguing.  So I made my own lists of people that I admire in my life, and what I admire about them.  Because those are the qualities that I want to have myself, to make myself a better person.  I think it’s important to occasionally take a personal inventory of ourselves and do some hard thinking about how we are presenting to the world around us, and if it’s enough or if we need to tweak things up and make some changes.  Changes are not always easy, but they are a necessity in life.  AND you can always make the choice to change.

So I made a copious list of the qualities and traits that I personally want to have.  I am going to post it on my desktop where I can see it everyday and be reminded to live up to them.  I’ll let you all know how it goes.  I like to think that I already have many of these qualities, but it’s good to remind oneself.

I was talking with someone today about how everything happens for a reason.  I think that’s kind of a lame old line actually, but there is some truth to it I am sure.  Where I am in life today is exactly where I have put myself.  You get no more than what you put into something.  I’m pretty contented, but will always strive to make things better, and to be a better person for it all.

What makes me think of all of this is a very close friend who is having some really tough times right now and conversations that I had today with her.  She’s saying crazy things like “I’m done.” and “I am giving up.”  Words that scare me into thinking she’ll do something crazy.  I would be devastated if anything were to happen to her.  She’s very special to me, and someone I depend on in my life.  Right now she’s having some financial troubles and I am sure she’s feeling overwhelmed and under a lot of pressure because of it.  I am not in a position to help her out or loan her the money, which makes me feel bad.  I wish I could help her in some way other than just giving her advice and trying to help her get through it.

I want her to look at her life and see all of the positives and not just the current negatives.  I know it’s hard when the negatives are staring you right in the face though.  I been there too.  But you can’t just give up and throw in the towel.  You have to work things out, and sometimes it’s hard and you don’t want to do the work, I know, but it has to be done.  Hopefully she will get some rest tonight and will have a new outlook in the morning.  I am hoping that she will come by for coffee in the morning so that I know she’s okay.

It’s all part of the story of our lives…these day to day happenings and problems.  Hopefully better things come in the future.

 

 

 

 

Woof!!!

So, my dog Nola is a barker.  She barks at cars passing the house.  She barks at other dogs and just can’t seem to get along with other dogs very well.  She will bark in their faces and then scream like a little girl when they challenge her.  It’s kind of amusing, and embarrassing.  I can’t take Nola into places like Lowe’s or Home Depot because when she sees another dog she goes off like a fucking bark monster.  It’s really starting to bother me lately.  I think that it bothers me because Lulu is the kind of dog that gets along with everybody and anybody and doesn’t bark at other dogs unless she is coerced into it by her sister, Nola.  I can take Lu anywhere and she’s the hit of the party, charming, cute and loveable.  Miss Congeniality.  So, I am desperate to figure out how to cuerb Nola’s barking, how to get her so that she will listen to me and “leave it” alone when I command it.  “Leave it” is her command to stop whatever she is doing and focus on me.  She’s about 90% good at it.  She comes when called, will generally stop and respond to my commands…except when she’s barking out the fucking house or car window.  Then she’s out of control; consumed by the need to bark er brain off at whatever it is that she’s reacting to — generally another dog or a kid on a bicycle.  God forbid she see a baby stroller…those are extra barkable evidently.

I have had people tell me to ignore it, and I have tried to do that.  Doesn’t work.  Still she barks.  I try taking her everywhere with me, exposing her to other dogs, people, kids, and stuff.  She is 90% good, then she just loses it and the barking starts.  It is annoying to me, and embarrassing too.

Nola is not a “treat” responsive dog.  She could care less about getting a “treat” or a bone for doing something good.  The only thing she seems to respond to (don’t hate now!) is the rolled up newspaper that I use to scold her with.  I do NOT hit her with it, I smack the table or the wall to make a loud noise with it and threaten her.  Generally she’ll stop when I break out the dreaded newspaper roll.  I haven’t had it out ina long time, but I am thinking of making one right now because today was an extra  barky day.  I make one by rolling up a section of newspaper and duct taping it tight, giving me a little stick sort of thing that I can make loud noise with if needed.

So, I love this dog beyond words.  I would never do anything to hurt her, but I feel like I am doing something wrong around this barking issue.  What do I do?  Does anyone out there have any “dog whisperer” suggestions for us?  I have considered a bark collar, but the dog is 9 years old….is it too late for that sort of device?  If it’s not then I will definitely try it.  I am desperate.  This issue has been left unattended to for far too long.  I do welcome any suggestions or ideas that you, my wonderful readers, may have for me!  Please comment below or send me an email!  (Yes, I am finally keeping up with my email account once again….I check it every couple of days.)

Went to a barbeque at my parents’ home today.  They made pulled pork and it was terrific.  Not many people were there. It ended up just being my sister, my parents, me and Linda and a neighborhood friend.  We stayed about an hour and a half and had some delicious bbq food and chatted for a while.  The pool was far too cold for swimming, and Nola was barking at the other dogs – aggravating my sister particularly with her barking.  So we called it early and headed home.

I got back home around 2:30 and decided to plant some seeds in the veggie garden.  I got giant pumpkins planted (2 hills of them) and a hill of carving pumpkins.  I put in some Mediterranean Cucumbers and then I started a tray of flower seeds.  Snapdragons, Shasta daisies, and a couple of others I can’t remember the names of right now.  I also got 4 – 2cf. bags of black mulch spread in the main part of the flower garden out front – it looks awesome!  I need another 5 bags to finish the other half of that garden and to put some in the little gardens on either side of my front entrance steps.   Then there is the large space in front of my house where I removed 3 gigantic rhododendrums (sp?) that had gone insane.  I need to either put in some more smaller shrubs or make a garden in that space too.  Seems like outdoor work is never done…there’s always something to do out there.

It’s time for me to crash.  I spent some time chatting with a good friend on FB messenger tonight, I really enjoy our chats.  It’s hard for me to reach out to people, and I have needed to do it more lately.  This person feels safe and I trust her.  We chatted a lot about the Giant Orange Asshole…wondering what he will do to embarrass us this week!?

I’m off to bed.  Peace.  ~MB

 

 

Spring Boredom…

It’s Saturday night and I am home trying to figure out what to do with myself!  I did some gardening today, and could do more of that until dark…but just not into it right now.  I have a lot of junk on my mind and thought I would take a stab at writing some of it down…pondering my thoughts so to speak.

It’s been another fucked up week in America, Trump is somehow still President and he’s been traveling abroad making a complete ass out of himself and embarrassing Americans all over the place.  It almost pains me to turn on the daily news, for fear of more embarrassment and stupidity from the White House.

It’s Memorial Day weekend, a time to remember those lost in the fight for Freedom around the world.  A time to remember those who are still fighting, still putting their lives on the line every day for our freedom.  Today we lost a 25 yr old young man in Syria, I’m not sure what the count is now for Syria…it seems that this “never ending war” that we have been involved in for so many years just seems to keep expanding to different countries.  Syria is just the latest.  It makes me sad for his family, his wife and 2 young sons who will never know the presence of their father from this day forward.  Senseless loss and pain

The news seems to be just filled with so much violence, terror attacks, hate crimes and the such lately.  It feels to me like there has really been an uptick in these crimes.  I have to say that it is a very different feeling here in the US these days, it’s more fearful, more people seem to feel like it is somehow more acceptable now to lash out in hatred towards those who are “different” from them, whether it be color, religion or socio-economically.  I see the “looks” around the store where I work sometimes.  It’s just scary.

I’ve been just taking it all in lately, trying to figure out how to feel about it all.  I have a president that provokes violence, who doesn’t support our allies, who is against conservation and clean energy, who is corrupt and colluding with the enemy.  Just how the fuck am I supposed to feel as an American right now?  I’ll tell you how I am feeling…I’m feeling very discouraged, very ashamed and embarrassed.  I don’t understand why the representatives that we have elected to represent us are NOT doing their jobs.  Why are THEY not up in arms about this incompetent man we call POTUS?  What has he got over them that keeps them all from removing him from office, as he should be removed!  I am completely frustrated by our politicians and representative’s lack of action and lack of words.  They should be speaking out, speaking up and representing us as they were all elected to do.  They do not work for him, they work for US!!!

Ok, let me get off of that subject now.  It just infuriates me to watch my country going to hell like it is under this administration.  The damage will take decades to repair, it’s sad and it’s unconscionable.

My gardens are looking pretty good.  I have been planting more perennials in the flower beds, and today I got the black mulch for the beds.  Tomorrow morning I have plans to get up and tackle finishing the garden edging and spreading the mulch.

I haven’t even touched the veggie garden yet.  I am hoping that I will find some time this weekend to at least get in the pumpkin seeds.  I got some giant pumpkins to grow!  I hope I have as good a luck this year with them as I did last year.

I’m a little behind just because I can’t always seem to find the ambition to do things that need to be done around here.  I mean the place looks great, but I want it to look even better!   I have to paint the front porch and put in new ballisters.  I’m looking toward possibly next weekend to tackle that project, depending upon the weather forecast.  We have had a lot of rain lately!  I need the porch to dry completely, scrape it, prime it and then paint it with a good quality deck paint.  I’d like to get a couple of years out of a painting!  I will have to take some new photos and show you all what things are looking like around here.

I’ve been feeling pretty good  Staying healthy and trying to be happy.  My depression still rears it’s ugly head too frequently.  I am thinking of changing my anti-depressant meds to a new one, I’ve been on this one I am on now for over 5 years, I don’t think it’s working very well anymore.  Other than that, I am doing very well.

Tomorrow is my annual Memorial Day barbeque at my parent’s home in the next town over.  I’ll be surrounded by my 4 siblings and their families, lots of other dogs and hopefully it will be a fun and relaxing time.  As long as we stay away from religion, politics and sexual conversations everything will be just fine.  I tend to hold very differing opinions of some of those things than some of my more conservative family members do, which can pose a problem in arguments should they occur.  I am looking forward to just a relaxing day in the sunshine eating pulled pork sandwiches and bird watching.  There are some awesome birds up there!