Some days…

Ever have one of those days where feel like you just can’t do anything right….well I am having one of those kinds of nights.

Sometimes I think in my head things then they just come out of my mouth without me thinking. There are certain people that I think I can do that will, Being totally honest and raw, but then sometimes you gotta wonder if you have to self-censor more frequently.

A may not be that great at always saying exactly the right and perfect thing but I give it a hell of a try. I like to know what’s happening with people who are closest and most important to me. And being a Butch sometimes my reaction may be off if I’m expecting something that doesn’t happen – especially in the moment. I think Butches have expectations of people that may be a bit more than the average person. This is particular true in relationships in the Butch-femme way. We expect just a little more than usual; it’s part of the agree dynamic.

I have changed over the years and I no longer have time for anger to steal from me. It feels like such a useless and non productive emotion; I am sure it has a purpose somewhere in human psychology. But I don’t like to be angry and I don’t like to deal with anger from someone else. If they can’t explain themselves without being angry or hostile then I’ll just wait until the anger subsides and hope that a conversation of understanding can happen. Maybe I’m a fool.

I have rules in my life that I try to live by; a little set of previously unwritten guidelines. Tonight I swallow my pride and break a cardinal rule.

I have my Calm app running, listening to the waves crashing on the shore- which makes me remember how angry the sea can turn, and I jacked a couple of sleeping pills and dabbed a bit. It’s worked to calm my nerves, but not my heart.

Tomorrow is another day. We wake up and hope it’s a better one.

Peace. – MB

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Secrets in the Stars — learningtolivelikewaterblog

Found this awesome blogger on WordPress! LOVE this piece by her…incredible gift for the spoken word she has for sure!

Sinful Sunday…Week 430 One Shot, Two Ways…

Greetings! I searched the prompt site for week 431’s theme…and I cannot find it for the life of me. So, here’s a double entry of “one shot, two ways” for your Sinful Sunday…

I love my Harley boots, some of the most comfortable footwear I’ve ever donned. I do miss my riding days, but the memories are oh-so-sweet, safely tucked inside my head.

Below is my second set of pictures for the “one shot, two ways”. My girl and I got these matching tattoos during my visit to Houston this last Spring. In the first, she’s getting the tattoo…and in the second I was admiring the finished product while cooling off…

I hope you have a great week. I’m checking out other Sinful Sunday posts and you can too by clicking on the lips.

Peace ~ MB

Catching Up with Myself

 I have got to be some kind of stupid fucker. I have had to boot my former “best friend’ out of my house. She had been living with me for several months after she fell on hard times and had to have her knee replaced. I thought i was helping her, but turns out she was using the fuck out of me and abusing my kindness. She was lying to me, doing prohibited things in the house and costing me a fortune. I finally hit my limit while my girlfriend was here over 4th of July holiiday, when the idiot caused a scene in front of my girl. THAT was the final straw. I had to tell her to leave. I couldn’t have that in the house with my girlfriend and her 4 yr old daughter here, it just wasn’t right. I had asked this person NOT to cause me any trouble while my girl was visiting, and I’m really surprised that she did…but then again, maybe I also expected it subconsciously.

So, back to the solo living the Butch bachelor life once again…not really “i” as I DO have a girlfriend who I am very much in love with and to who I give my loyalty, but I am living solo in southern Maine…girlfriend is in Texas and we do see each other quite frequently. She flies up to Boston about every 6-7 weeks, and I have been down there once with 2 more tripsy coming this summer and fall. We try to have a pre-planned date for the next visit before we end each visit.  That way we find that we both have something nice to look forward to and we can plan what we want to do for activities if we want to be out of the house. Some days we love to just hang around the house and chill all day…yup, you know that lesbians invented Netfix and chill!! 

I will be down in Houston area the first 10 days of August. I am so looking forward to a nice extended visit there. And I have grown so attached to her daughter that I am excited to spend time with her also. She’s such a great kid, and she’s starting to learn new things! It makes my heart very happy. My girl is such a terrific mother, and being the mother of a Rett syndrome girl is not easy – physically,mentally or emotionally – thus it puts me in total awe of my girlfriend. She says it was a total mess at first when they got the diagnosis (baby was like  16 mos old) but she did the work and is taking it one day at a time, which is all any of us should do anyway! She’s a great mother, a wonderful lover and a superior girlfriend! MmmmMMmmmmMMM!

I’ve been changing up my habits and days. Stopped watching General Hospital soap opera everyday because it was just wasting my time and making me anxious. It’s been almost 2 weeks now, but you know how soap operas are…you can watch once a year and be in the loop. I am also doing my day on a schedule instead of winging it; getting up on a regular schedule, doing my morning tasks and working the plan for the day. It’s all helping keep me focused, strong and working toward good always. I feel like losing the roomie was a really good thing for me. I was falling into a major depression and not attending to much of anything.

I’m feeling a LOT better now. It’s like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe again. I don’t have to deal with her criticizing me all the time, pointing out all m faults and short-comings. I don’t have to wonder why she’s hiding in her room sleeping 22 hours a day, never doing anything productive. I let her behavior get on my nerves and depress ME…not a good thing at all.  Glad it’s finally OVER.

Poor Nola had to have a dental and 5 teeth pulled on Wednesday. She’s not veryhappy with me or about the pain in her mouth right now. I am hoping that by tomorrow she will be better. I finally got out a pet syringe and gave her 4 full barrels of water – about 16 ml – and a teaspoon of wet, soft dog food with a half a pain pill in it. I am hoping that will make her feel a little bit better tonight.

She hasn’t eaten anything since Tuesday night, before the surgery on Wednesday morning. If she doesn’t eat by tomorrow around noon I will have to take her back and have her checked.

Friday 7-12-19

Nola got up and ate this morning! I only gave her half a portion and she ate it right up! I gave her a half pain pill again about 10am. By mid afternoon – 4pm she wanted more food and was pretty perky! I fed them early and we took a ride up to my sister’s place and looked at her flowers. She has an extremely gorgeous butterfly bush!

Not sure why at the weekend will bring…going to a party on Saturday up at my cousin’s place. Got a few things to get done here, and the dogs to keep me company. We’ll see what happens!

peace ~MB

A Great Visit!

A cure for HIV is coming!!!! Check out the incredible break through that has happened in Omaha Nebraska here

I am so stoked by this news! Most of you know i have been living with HIV infection for over 25 yrs…and although my virus is under control and undetectable it would be a dream for me to take a couple of shots and be done with the pills every day forever! I knows that being a long-term survivor I am very fortunate.

It’s July 4th – Independence Day – and my girl and her 4 yr. old daughter flew up from Houston to spend the 4th with me and fly back Saturday night. I picked them up at Logan last night at 11:40pm and we have had an absolutely awesome time! Today we spent the day, a perfect 85 degree sunny summer day, at my Mom’s in-ground pool having a pool party! I invited a few friends and my cousins and we had a great time cooking out and swimming. The kids love swimming and the water was perfect today! This has got to be the best 4th of July I have personally had in many, many years. I just love having my girl here and I really lover her daughter too. The kid is amazing. I’ve mentioned before that she has Rett syndrome and has some special needs, but she’s very smart and super interactive and ubber cute! Her laugh is so great and she’s such a happy child. It’s pretty rough on my girl some days, Rett isn’t very forgiving, but if they can get Trofinivide to market – thru the FDA – it could improve things greatly. We have hope and I have a good amount of optimism that it will happen soon – just not soon enough!

What is happening for the July 4th celebration in our country’s capital is a real disgrace. Trump has turned the birthday of our country into a purely political rally for his supporters and constituents. It’s sick and I hate it. Public displays of military might are NOT something that America has EVER been known to do. That stuff is done by dictators in militarily run countries like China and North Korea, NOT America. And the money being spent to do this public display of military might could very well have been used elsewhere within the country to do FAR MORE GOOD than a rally thrown by Trump to celebrate himself. I am angry at this administration and frightened by what they have unleashed on America and the world stage. The way that they promote and encourage racism and hate is so blatant and so very wrong in my eyes. I fear for the direction that we are headed as a society. I fear the division and the hate going in both directions. It’s palpable and it’s real. And to use a word I was reminded of recently, we are seeing the real “underbelly” of American society and it’s not a pretty sight at all – from so many angles.

Pride month just ended. Yesterday, July 3rd, I took down my pride flag and put up the stars and stripes. I may hate my government at the moment, but I love my country and I would fight to save freedom and liberty here any day necessary. I have my freedom of speech and I speak out when I see wrong being done. I am in contact with my Senators and representatives on many of the issues facing us right now — especially the border prison camp crisis. THAT really pisses me off. As we celebrate our liberty and freedoms there are tens of thousands of asylum seekers and immigrants who are just fighting to stay alive inside of these prison type camps that our border patrol has set up to “house” them in…I use the word “house” almost sarcastically here. Packing them into standing room only areas, weeks without soap, water, showers, basic needs and hot food. I am really livid about this and am supporting those helping with this situation as much as I can.

Next month I will be going down to Texas for 11 days and have a house sitter taking care of my place and the dogs – she’s actually my best bud and the dogs LOVE her to death, so it will be all good. If they aren’t with me she’s the next best thing in their world.

Then in September we are going out to Santa Rosa for the Butch-femme gathering that DayWalker is organizing out there. If you’re interested here’s the link to the Facebook page that you need to join to become part of the group and get the info on the conference. Day has really gone to extremes putting together a great event with entertainment, informational breakout sessions and a much anticipated Butch-femme gala dance party!

My girls ended up staying until Monday due to weather at the airport and the holiday rush they couldn’t get out on the right flight, so re-booked for Monday afternoon! Yes, made my weekend even better!

Hope you all had a terrific 4th…I KNOW I DID!

Peace! ~MB

Sunday thoughts…

Greetings readers! I have been struggling mightily with writing lately. I realize that it’s a cumulative fear of everything right now, from exposure to anti-Butch backlash, to a building real fear of living as an out Lesbian – especially a very visible Butch lesbian – in the current political and social climate that is developing around us. And I feel my kind is being pushed very hard to return to the closets; to shut the fuck up and behave like girls are taught to do from the get-go. I’m not that girl. I am sick of living in the shadows. Sick of feeling shame for who I am. Sick of being told I am “too Butch” or
“not feminine” enough. Fuck all that noise

I am a proud Butch lesbian. I am not queer, MOC, mainstream or a girly-girl. I am a lesbian, in the truest sense of the word. I have sexual relations ONLY with women. I do NOT EVER have sex with a man, period. Yup, full on label. Butch Lesbian, and proud. For some fucked up reason this is not currently the acceptable way to label oneself in today’s world. Even within my own LGBT community the word “lesbian” is often avoided, replaced by more mainstream acceptable wording and outright shunned; not used and even sometimes changed in interviews to dumb it down for those who the word seems to offend.

Often times those offended are the other women who sleep with women but who do not identify as lesbians, instead choosing words like “queer” “gender variant” “Masculine of center (MOC)”, etc. Because for some weird ass reason the word “lesbian” is threatening to them and the men around them. Mainstream wants women who are deemed “pliable” who “could” perhaps also sleep with men, making them somehow more attractive. By calling yourself a lesbian you are inserting the “no way do I sleep with men” silently into the sentence and that is just not jiving with how they wish the world to view us. It’s a direct threat to men – even gay men – and thus we are sadly silenced. We are undergoing a sort of “erasure” even, painfully, from within our own supposed community.

For the record, let me interject right here and right now – so I am absolutely clear: I do NOT wish to BE a man! Some out there seem to erroneously think that Butch lesbians are just pre-transmen, practicing to become a man. This is NOT true. We are lesbians, not men! Not male “wannabes” or “confused” at all – it’s those saying those things to us that are fucking confused!!! I have NO confusion about who I am and the way I present to the world, no confusion at all.

I’ve been amused watching a big blow up on a Facebook group page that I follow. Guess someone made some seriously anti-trans comments and all hell broke loose. I kept my comments on it to myself, but I have to say here that I don’t dig the anti-trans sentiment that simmers just barely below the surface of the mainstream lesbian community. As such a very visible Butch; a very masculine of center individual, with the issues I deal with I can completely sympathize with my trans brothers and their disdain for all this trans-phobia going on online. It’s fucking ridiculous. People gender policing others is not right in any way. Just let people be. Mind your own business and let others attend to theirs peacefully.

Peace ~ MB

Sinful Sunday…”Soft”

I follow a few bloggers on WordPress who participate in the “Sinful Sunday”challenges. I’ve been reading and checking their pics for a good while now but haven’t had the gumption to jump in…well here goes!

I randomly shot this pic after a very hot tussle with my girl.

We recently had matching tattoos done, hers above, on her hip. Mine on my left inside forearm. Really like them, the guy did a sweet job! Good thing, it was her first tat! I was proud of her for handling it very well.

I’ve been more of a lurker on the “Sinful Sunday” blogs, so I thought it was time for me to start trying to post more. You can see more of the Sinful Sunday contributions from various bloggers by clicking on the lips below!