Deep Thoughts and a Look Back on 2019


“No one is ever promised and easy path through this snake infested swamp…and then it’s suddenly our turn to cross that black water, or become lost in the past, perpetually locked in suspended states of illusion. Just where are you going? What’s the purpose of your journey? Do you know? Or have an idea? sigh ah, and there it is…the never-ending stream of unanswerable, internal, silently screaming questions bombarding our brains, commandeering our thoughts; demanding answers — for which we have none…yet.” {asl 2019}

If I died alone, never meeting the one for me, so be it, that’s what was meant to be. But I found the one for me, my soulmate. She is my partner, and my best friend. The mere thought of not being able to talk to her again, discuss science, argue about politics, talk of the obvious existence of extraterrestrials, the chance to make each other laugh…. these things fill me with a dread and sadness I can’t put into words.

It really all comes down to this though: tell your loved ones you love them. Don’t let things end on bad notes. Don’t go to bed angry. Take the blame during a fight even if you’re right, because life is so much more fleeting than you realize. Do nice things for people, express your appreciation. Be romantic, be kind, be optimistic. Do not allow fear and anger to rob you of your happiness ever. Be bold. Take chances. Love hard. Do not let go easily, be resilient. And always, always say ‘I love you’ upon parting.

2019 was an upside down year; one of those years where you learn the hard way to roll with the punches of life events and try not to let that bad taste in your mouth linger for too long as it will slowly poison you from the inside out. It’s one of the years that presented me with a HUGE learning event and some MUCH needed wisdom and guidance around life and living with purpose – not just sliding by from day to day. While that method seems to somehow make sense at times, it’s not really any way to live every day. We each need purpose and we each have desires. Those must be fulfilled or we end up just empty and floating aimlessly in the sea of darkness, alone, afraid and feeling quite useless. Nothing makes sense. No one makes sense. It leads us often to the quesiton “what is the point?” — never a good question to be asking oneself.

I haven’t been myself for a couple of months now. I was losing ground. Feeling stupid and not taking care of myself as I should have been doing. I had let myself become heavily invested in someone who came into my life 2 years ago; someone I believe is a real soulmatch for me. What I did wrong, in hindsight, is I allowed myself to let down my walls far too soon, and far to low.I lost touch with that one major Butch rule: “Never let your life be control or guided by pussy – anyone’s pussy – ever.” Until the day one of my Butch brothers slapped me on the back hard and said those words right into my face from about 10″ away, adding “Get a grip, man. Get a grip!” He was right on the money too. I had given over too much while not taking what I needed in return. I was over-confident that she loved me as I loved her. I let my guard down because of that and I am paying dearly still. Perhaps for a long, long time to come. Guess that’s to be determined.

I’ve been rolling these thoughts over and over in my head for weeks on end now. Trying to make sense of which way to go now. How to I reclaim my power? How do I find my worth once again? Who the hell AM I now??? I am not even sure of that anymore. This really took a LOT out of me. I never, ever saw it coming. Completely blindsided by someone I trusted more than anyone I had ever trusted in my life before. THAT fucking HURT the hardest.

I know that I have to continue to work through this myself. I know that I can and will do it; I’ll be damned if I let this keep me down or change my positiive attitude. I don’t want to live with doubt and fear. Nor do I ever wish to become so involved or over-confident in someone like that ever again without a very specifically laid out contractual agreement of the rules between us. I didn’t move on doing that with this person, because I was taking it “slow” and now I see the very, very big error in that way!

I also see things like making sure that both people have a really good idea of thier personal desires for the direction of the relationship – before becoming overly invested or even tossing out the “L” word. Relationships are great support for anyone, if they are healthy and equally tended to by both parties. One cannot “give” more than the other in the emotional department especially. Both must be willing to be equally vulnerable and thus trusting.

Don’t you just wish like a motherfucker that we KNEW all of these little tidbits of relationship tips before we stumbled into someone we wanted to love with all we’ve got inside? Wouldn’t that just make love so much easier? Ah, but the unknown of ‘love’ is part of the mysteriousness that makes it so damned attractive and alluring. The discovery process is so intoxicating that in our drunken love state we often lose sight of reality and throw caution to the wolves. It’s almost comical -but really NOT – how foolish we get over lust and love as well as how often we confuse the two states completely.

I can still shut my eyes, lay my head back on the pillow and see every curve, every hair, every mark on her body in my mind. I knew that body very well. And I showered that body and mind with love beyond anything I had given to anyone before. That’s pretty fucking deep to even say, but it’s fucking right as rain. Yes, I have lots of photos I could refer to, but I have boxed them all up and stored them away, out of sight to try to keep the visions of a minimum. It hurts to look at her photo and those eyes…those gorgeous eyes. With my eyes still shut I can inhale and still find her smell lingering in the recessed depths of my brain. I still feel her laying next to me, finger tips tracing across my chest, my jawbone, sweeping into my short hair as she leans in to kiss me passionately. Yes, I have all of those so very real memories driving me insane nightly. I wish so hard to be swallowed up by those thoughts and memories and be forever lost in space with only her as my company; my sustenance, my survival until that final heartbeat goes still and I can forget. That is the only thing that will make me forget. The only thing.

Everyone has their own reality in this life. No two are the same. Most aren’t even similar. Often our immediate life circumstance is the basis for most of our reality based choices and decisions. For example, my life as an older, single Butch with no children or major responsibilities at this point in my life is vastly different from my recent girl’s circumstances with having a special needs child that needs 24/7 care, a husband who is there in the picture daily to support the two, and a professional life she tries to manage around it all, and what I thought was a desire for a lesbian partnership too.

Once, in the not-so-distant past, I thought that these two different realities would mesh together and be very good for all involved. I thought, and was willing to, I could provide much physical and emotional support to her and to him as well with the kiddo. Because I love her so deeply – and grew to adore and love the child as well – I believed that I would be good for them all; be a good fit and be a very loving partner in the sphere of things. I personally still actually still believe this could be true. I had reached a point where I am fully willing to change my physical situation in life to be close to her and continue the relationship into whatever the next phase would be. We were close to making something close to that happen when the world fell apart for us. So close.

It’s no longer of any use to rehash the events that lead to the demise of our relationship. I don’t even care about those things anymore. It’s useless to keep even thinking about them, so I have basically forgotten about 90% of it now. I wish it had never happened, but it did and I didn’t know what to do, how to handle it, or which way to turn to figure it out. I found myself standing very alone on the precipice of darkness, without the anchor which had held me happily steady for almost 2 years. It was the saddest day of my life to date. Hands down, saddest. I felt true loss and had no one who understood or to lean on in that time. That’s when I truly learned how fucking strong I am inside. I weathered the most serious storm of my personal life by myself, unassisted and did it with the most dignity I could muster. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but I never claimed perfection…but I’ve weathered all of it as good as I could.

Our lives happen in chapters. This is close to the end of chapter 5 for me. Generally I’ve experienced the chapters to coincide closely with decades and milstone marks. Childhood, teen years, 20’s (insanity), 30’s settling, 40’s realizing what I was missing something big, and the 50’s trying to find that more stable, decent life I desire, more purpose and a partner I can count on to be at my side. Maybe these chapters are similar for many of us. I know through conversations that I share much with many of my Butch counterparts. And sometimes we even have to refer back to a previous chapter, a specific page perhaps, to help us through the current chapter a bit easier. There’s no set “road-map” of this lifestyle, just a gut feeling and some pretty honestly ethical ways and rules to things. I dislike hard rules, but there are about 5 Butch rules that I find I have to be guided by always or I get off track and all fucked up! Ha!

Insanity is the ritual of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This is the most true of statements ever spoken. Yet, we all do it. We all try to get what we want in the ways that we are comfortable and used to using…even if it doesn’t work this time, maybe it will next time…where that fucked up thinking comes from is beyond my comprehension.

Ok, enough deep thought for today/tonight. It’s been a pretty good last-Saturday in 2019. IT was a super sunny, warm (50 degrees F!), gorgeous day to be alive. I got tons done, preparing myself and my home for 2020’s arrival on Wednesday.

2019 will definitely be a memorable year- if not for the right reasons, then for some of the more bleak or perhaps less attractive ones. Hey, nothing is guaranteed or promised – ever. Not in life, loving or living on this planet in this time dimension. WE ALL struggle to roll out of bed every morning and do it all over again. Some days we literally stop and ask ourselves, “Why?”, and some days we just pretend we are enjoying it as we slurp down coffee and race off to the office or work site for the day. Whatever we have to do to make it work; to keep us going in a somewhat forwardish direction, and to try to live our best lives, as our most authentic selves, we just do it. Over and over. Lather, rinse, repeat. Whether we are happy or not…THAT is literally up to each one of us personally to determine and make it so — or not. Choices.

Peace. ~ MB

Controversial Topic…

Trigger Warning: I am about to lay out some of what I see and feel about young people transitioning and the huge issues that are starting to surface surrounding this very touchy subject. I invite anyone interested to this conversation, as long as we can maintain decency and mutual respect for one another, understanding that every individual is completely entitled to their own opinions. No one is wrong, even though some of us may disagree.

Reference: Youtuber Arielle Scarcarcella from NYC recently did a video discusssing this topic and had some interesting points and statistics that were pretty surprising. She also has other fairly current videos on this topic in her playlist. Now, I do not always agree with this particular Youtuber, who I’ve watched for about 10 years now, but I respect that she is not afraid to take up some pretty controversial stuff on her channel and she catches a lot of flak because of it. To understand what sparked my interest in writing and doing my own videos about this topic you should give Ariellle’s vids a watch. Here’s the main one I am referring to: “Thousands of “Trans” Teens Want to DETRANSITION...”

Transitioning and De-Transitioning

This topic has come up between myself and several of my Butch buddies. It’s often suggested directly TO us by other people, who do not understand yhe Butch identity,

“Why don’t you just transition? You want to be a man anyway, right?”

You don’t even know how many times I have had that exact statement directed at me. I don’t feel any need because I am not unhappy with my gender. I’m just fine living as a Butch woman and thus do not need or want to transition and change my gender marker.

I have no problem with those who DO choose to transition and for those who it works for and who are most happy they have undergone the processes and procedures to make themselves at home in their bodies and minds. I have several trans friends (mostly MtF) who I have mad respect for, fully support and love dearly. I do understand that it IS the right thing for those who consider it carefully, understand all of it and are consenting adults.

I am LESS comfortable with young people choosing this path at too early an age. I believe that there should be a minimum age requirement. Let the kid grow up, mature both physically and mentally and experience life before performing irreversible changes to their bodies. I personally believe a person should be a minimum of 25 years old and have gone through at least 2 years of intensive therapy and medical testing before undertaking this monumental process.

I am in no way saying or suggesting that any kid who claims that they are trans are not. I’m just saying I believe it should be handled very carefully. I believe many younger Butches often go through the “I wanna be a boy” or “I think I am really a boy” phase. And yes, for some – like me personally – it’s just that – a phase. I went thru it and once I realized that I could love other girls even though I AM a girl too and the world may not “like” it, but as long as I was true to myself instead of thinking that only boys could love girls, I didn’t have that desire to change my gender any longer. Sometimes I think that is the bottom line thinking of a 14 year old. That YOU have to change, when it’s really the WORLD that needs to change. YOU should just be YOURSELF and make yourself happy. The world will catch up one day. And THAT is my PERSONAL opinion.

I am 58, so perhaps my view and experience in observing what has been happening regarding transitioning, and how much it’s increased and progressed in the last 10 years is different from the experiences of the younger generation who does not recall a time when this wasn’t even considered by almost anybody – and oft times not even known about as an option. Transitioning from female to male (MtF) seems to have been discovered and has become epidemic among younger people because the concept and procedures have received far more exposure in the last decade than ever before.

As a statistic, 75% of those transitioning are female at birth who choose to transition to male, thus it has become more popular with young women comparibly than with young men in the same age brackets.

The topic is really taboo in the community. No one wants to talk about it because they think that others will view them as “transphobic” Thus, it’s not being discussed and studied as it should be right now. I think this is something, transitioning/detransitioning, should be discussed much more – especially with our younger community. Many times it’s children who discover this idea and convince their parents to allow them to permanently change their bodies with surgery and hormones in an attempt to become the gender opposite of what they were born.

I definitely understand that there ARE individuals who ARE legitimate in transitioning. I am in no way saying that trans people are all confused or doing anything wrong. Transitioning is a very personal choice and one that should not be taken lightly, done quickly, done unsupervised by good medical staff, and really considered with some good therapy before it’s undertaken by anyone.

My biggest concern with transitioning is that many children are convincing their parents to let them do this. And some with very little medical diagnosis, or a very quick “diagnosis”.

Doctors are afraid to say “no” or even “wait” now because they are so afraid of being labelled “transphobic” This is dangerous to the patient and often results in an unhappy individual down the road who decides maybe this “isn’t” what they wanted and then they go through the process of “de-transitioning” which is pretty tough as well.

Transitioning from one gender to another is a long process, a heavy mental process as well as physical changes. There’s not enough room here to dive deep into the processes – and there are actually a few ways to do it. Should you wish to know more about transitioning and what it’s like I highly recommend doing some basic online research to get more of a grasp on the topic.

Youtube is a great place to start as there are literally thousands of videos by individuals who have gone through the transition process. And there are also thousands by people who have chosen to reverse the process and “detransition” I will include a few links at the end of this article that I feel are good places to start.

Note: Please try to have an open mind and a kind heart. This is a very serious thing for those who suffer with feeling that they are living in the wrong body, have body dysphoria and are going through transition for their own personal reasons. It’s a very tough thing to go through, emotionally as well as physically. Suicide rates among young people who identify as “trans” are alarmingly disproportionate. Trans kids commit suicide at 3 times the rate of kids who identify as “gay or lesbian” – which is also a very high rate as well. It is not helpful to be judgemental and you’ll learn more if you keep an open mind and ask questions instead of assuming. It’s not easy living in a world where you don’t feel like you “belong” or “fit in” because of your sexuality or gender presentation – believe me, I experience is all the time with just being an openly, visible very Butch lesbian.

To me it feels like that ever since the introduction of personal computers and cell phones to our lives, around 1990-95 lots of things in life changed, particularly in the realm of communication with the birth of “e-mail”. As time passed they started to become available and somewhat less costly and less ugly, but it did take a while! In the beginning they WERE pretty damned expensive still. If I recall correctly I paid over $4000 for my first desktop computer which was an Apple. Laptops were not on the market until a few years later. And dial-up connection was the only way to get “online” which confused the hell out of just about ALL of us – Haha…admit it, you were baffled too, unless you were under 20 and were just getting into adulting and were less paranoid about pushing the “wrong button”. That “blue screen of death” was a very scary, real and costly occurrence!

When I got mine the sales guy set it up in my office – back then that’s how it worked, you didn’t just buy one at a store. You had to call a computer sales company and they would meet you and pitch their product, figure out what you wanted to use it to do and try to match you up with the correct equipment. Yup, quite an ordeal. Buying anything short of a car or house, that cost over $4K back in 1990 was considered a major purchase and nlicot to be taken lightly. And the desktops were HUGE, awkward looking, had tiny black and white screens and made a whizzing, humming noise which you became accustomed to pretty quickly in my experience anyway. We were all just overly fascinated by the damned things that we thought all the noises, humming, clicking, whizzing and the dreaded going down the drain sound that would happen when something went wrong!

So, yeah, the whole world shifted when we discovered the personal computer and a telephone that you could carry in a big ass pouch slung over your shoulder. Those were some clumbsy and ugly as well. But hey, nothing is really beautiful in the very beginning….gotta have room for improvement! Now, where I was going with this…was getting to how much these devices changed our lives in so many ways. Good thing I had taken typing in high school and was pretty proficient at 160wpm, so adjusting to the keyboard was a pretty slick event for me. I do love to type and I can type far faster than I can hand-write anything.

Once computers became our “go-to” communication and working devices with email and the world wide web they continuously improved. When they finally got rid of “dial-up” and that screeching noise it made connecting – and invented fiberopticsd, then satellite, broadband, and faster and faster ways to connect to the world – we stared using them most all day long to do business, communicate with clients, friends, family and eventually the introduction of the wonderful snake pit called “social media” ! Now THAT got everyone’s attention like real quick! And it’s become and ever-expanding worlds where you can interact with just about anyone, anywhere in the world – oh, maybe except like No. Korea and China where it’s restricted or just non-existent due to that over-extended hammer of communism, sadly.

So, social media plays a big part in just about all of our lives – unless you live under a rock with no cable access. We’ve made friends, found long-lost relatives, fallen in long-distance love, had fights with people on far away continents, and looked at photos that you just cannot “un-see”..hahaha…those are fun! And for the LGBT community it’s been a great point of access for many of us to connect with our own community, which is spread far and wide and often operates on a stealth platform to avoid the sinister amount of taunting, homophobia, hate and violence oft directed at us.

It’s become a great way to stay in touch and discuss things that we don’t always have like-minded people in close proximity to talk about with. This is the part I love about the internet. I’ve met some awesome people – and some real dopes as well, but hey…gotta have a little bad with all that good! 😉

The internet definitely became a huge gateway of access to information, and in the topic of this blog I am writing – transitioning – the internet has been a huge plus for millions I am sure. It’s a place where you can privately search and read about anything – especially stuff you don’t know how to discuss with anyone in a face-to-face situation. It’s a great tool for this, and for keeping communities together in a cyber kind of way. I believe it’s been the best thing that’s happened for the LGBT community next to the tenuous huge, very important issue of legalizing same-sex marriage.

I now believe that had we NOT had internet to introduce, explain, debate and discuss transgenderism and the challenges accompanying being trans or loving someone who is trans, supporting our trans community members and their partners and families on a wider scale, I bet that we would still be trying to educate about the issue via paper and snail-mail forever…it never would have happened as it did because the internet gave us the platform and tools that allowed us to have those very important conversations and connections that eventually made it all come together and happen for our community. Yes, the internet has had it’s finer good points, such as uniting communities in a faster and better manner with some sense of privacy when desired. It’s kind of amazing to take a look-back at how online access and social media have changed the scope of access to so many things in today’s world.

I’ve read articles that have been written on this topic. Some call it the “disappearing Butch” phenomenon. I can definitely see how it looks that way. Old school Butch femme dynamics are dying off rapidly sadly. Those of us who still love the life are still here though!

So, dear readers, what are your thoughts on this transitioning young topic?

I’m going to stop here for this chapter of this topic. I will be writing more I am sure.

Be kind. –MB

Catching Up

It’s winter in Maine and cold as fuck. I woke up to 7 degree temps this morning and 1 degree yesteray morning, pretty damned cold! And yes, there’s snow on the ground. We had a storm last Sunday and are expecting more this weekend. I have to say it hasn’t been bad though, knock on wood! Not a heavy snowfall winter thus far. I hope it stays that way.

I’ve been battling bronchitis since Christmas. Sucks. But I am on my second round of steriods, this time a blast script…fast and furious. Should take care of it. Lost my voice until yesterday. It’s finally coming back. I did see my doctor yesterday again too. I hate that I deal with this every winter.

I’ve got two other blog posts that I am working on. One is a fairly controversial subject and the other is about the current political debacle in DC…which just drives me insane. I cannot wait until it’s over. It’s not looking good for law and justice. The Republicans have become the Trumpians and they are lost to the evil of his influence. I wish the guy would disappear out over the ocean somewhere. He’s a lunatic and is wrecking our country and our reputation world wide. That’s all I can say about that today.

I’ve been doing okay. Stupid winter depression, but I just increased meds to deal with it and I’m hanging in there. As long as I stay busy I’m not bothered with it as much. Too much down time and I get inside my head to far. So I am working on that aspect. Staying busy, getting lots done and keeping things in perspective. Thanks to some good friends for their encouragement and support!

I got my spare room back into shape and hope to get it rented out once again as soon as possible. Going to run new ads with new photos today. I just got a new bed for in there, a twin this time so that it’s roomier. Facebook marketplace is a great find! The bed is brand new with a new mattress for only $30! I got lucky. Things are always a bit easier when the room is occupied and I have that weekly payment coming in. Winter is always a struggle, between heating oil, increased electric bills and dealing with snow removal I have my hands full!

Looking for a new job and it is making me crazy. Everything is “apply online” which I don’t care for much but am doing. I have a couple of new applications going in today. It’s an odd time of year here for work, kind of between seasons for us as a tourist state. So the pickings are slim. I’m going to apply at Barnes & Noble, that would be a fun place to work I bet! I’m only looking for 20 or so hours a week and I am doing some online stuff as well. Just making it work, that’s all.

My birthday was the 10th. I didn’t do anything that day. My parents were in Los Cabos Mexico on vacation and siblings were off doing their own things. I just hung out. My mom gave me an awesome bracelet though that I just love. I love leather and silver, always.

Ok, off to get a MUCH needed haircut! I’ve got my barber on the barter system, gummies for haircuts…works great!

Let’s hope the Senate comes to it’s senses and realizes this is their chance to get rid of Trumpy!

Peace. ~MB


Today’s single word writing prompt is “scary” (Fandango), This, That and the Other, WP blog). This is my piece for this prompt entry.

A pretty spot on prompt for today, a day of twists, turns, blunders and all-out stupidity emanating from our White House and Pentagon.

Let me add a slight disclaimer here, while it may not be exactly necessary I believe that it’s pertinent to the post I am about to write. I am a veteran of the US Army (80-86) and served during the scary cold war. Thing about that period of time was that it was one of those times when you never knew what would happen or when or where…sneaky Russians, very real threats of nuclear war and dangerous leaders of many countries. I had the pleasure (said with sarcasm) of serving all of my Army years in nuclear missile units, both in Germany and the in the southwestern USA. In Germany my unit handled intercontinental missiles, the big boys. And in the US I was in an MLRS unit. Multiple-Launch Rocket System. Smaller, fast as fuck and deadly accurate. The ones we handled were nuclear capable, this type of missile system can be used and adapted to lots of applications, ships, planes, ground transport, etc. They’re still in use today. The big boys I spoke of earlier were removed from Germany in 1989 under part of the ending of the cold war’s agreement with Russia. I am sure that the US military has plenty of missiles positioned around the entire world. We’re kind of obsessed with them and always have to have the most and the best. This is disputable according to Russia now, it seems they may have surpassed us in the nuclear weapons field by quite a bit. I could probably write lots more about this, but this is not the point of this post….I got derailed I think…back to our topic…

Our president, Donald J Trump, made a huge, very reckless move by authorizing the assassination of Soleimani in Iraq. Yes, this guy was a super duper bad guy and needed to be eliminated anyway, but this wasn’t the best way or time to do this deed. I understand it had to be done eventually, but I disagree whole-heartedly with the way this was done. Trump takes full personal responsibility for this – at least right now, I am betting he will flip and start blaming it on someone else when things go very, very wrong here – and they will, it’s only a matter of time.

So, he orders the strike. The drone takes the guy out – AT the Baghdad International Airport!!! Trump immediately starts bragging all over Twitter about his successful assassination. The USA has not assassinated a man of this stature since 1942, they shot down a Japanese generals plane and killed him, very different circumstances in a very different time period, really no comparison, but good historical fact to know.

The coming retaliatory strikes will be brutal. They have so many capablities that I don’t believe the average American can even fathom. These people are professional warriors with lots of sneaky, underhanded methods of warfare. Their strikes WILL affect the homeland, most likely in the form of cyber attacks. They’ll shut down our electrical grid, disable banking, cause havoc on the stock market, force oil up over $100 a barrel (they’re already doing that, it was $70/brl today!) And while this is going on you won’t know how many they are blowing up over in the various middle eastern countries because our communication system will be inoperable here. We’ll be in the dark. That. IS. SCARY.

I know this sounds like some sort of war novel I am dreaming up. It’s insane. But it’s happening. I follow this pretty in depth. I read the Iranian reports, Iraqi reposts and everything from the major hubs on this. So much is happening it’s hard to keep up with some days even. I’ve heard every major military expert and strategist talk in depth about this and their outlook is very stark, scary and not good for the US. Yeah, we are a strong military, but Trump is counting on a conventional war and Iran is not.

Iranians do not fight their own wars, they fight strategically across the globe, often simultaneously in strikes, and are very smart about their methodology. Soleimani made damned sure of this. He organized this entire set up and now his right hand man is in charge, he’ll carry out Soleimani’s plans to the letter. It’s going to be bad, and I am worried about HOW bad. It’s quite SCARY that Trump has his stupidly tiny fist on the big red button in the situation room. THAT is the MOST SCARY to me! I really hope they will tackle his ass if he even considers using that button.

Trump is taunting the Iranians like a school yard bully. It’s so embarassing and has his aids and military guys scrambling every time he says another outrageous thing on Twitter. He’s threatening outright to commit war crimes. He’s very pro-torture and says he will authorize water boarding and worse. He’s threatening to blow up cultural sites. That makes me angry AF because historical and cultural sites should always be protected, just as hospitals, schools, churches and synagogues should always be protected. There are just things you don’t touch. Trump doesn’t care, he’s not following the Geneva convention’s rules of armed conflict (1954) that protects those sites. I hope like hell his guys will NOT carry out orders to commit war crimes. They DO have that right, you can refuse an order if it violates common sense and is illegal. These are exactly the type of things that terror organizations do, this is ISIS type behavior. It’s not dignified of the United States military – any branch.

Trump is doing all of these things himself. No Congressional involvement like there is supposed to be. No declaration of war from Congress. No authorization. No consults with military specialists, experts, generals (“I know more than any of my generals!”) He’s being outrageous dangerous, violating every rule we’ve ever followed about attacking other counries, we have processes and he’s not abiding by ANY of that. Blatantly defying Congress and stonewalling the American public.

Thousands of more troops are being shipped over there by the hour. Six B-52 bombers are now positioned in the Indian Ocean, just out of reach of Iranian missiles but ready to strike at a moment’s notice once given a mission and a target. THAT IS SCARY!

I watched as some loaded on TV today, the looks on their faces were horrible. You could almost feel their reluctance to board those planes, not understanding the reasoning behind these crazy presidential orders and moves. You know they all go because their dedicated to their oaths – I was, I would go where told and do what I was instructed as every soldier is taught. Being in the service doesn’t work out for anyone if there is not complete obedience across the board so that everyone is operating on the very same page of the manual. It’s a rule; a fucking unwritten warrior’s law. Going rogue will get you killed or at least removed in some way, depending on where you are and the situation at hand.

I feel for those being deployed. I am scared for them, for their families, for their futures. For tomorrow. They’re being sent into a cauldron that’s heating up by the minute. I hope they stay save, act bravely and with precision.

There’s so much else going on in Washington DC. It’s a complete debacle of madness. Impeachment, which is just crazy. No one obeying laws or court orders. Cover-up of major corruption by the administration. A rogue leader, a rogue Senate leader (McConnell) and a completely lemming kind of Republican party, Senators and Congressmen/women, I think there are only 2 women in the GOP portion of the Senate. Bunch of racist old white guys mostly who are all afraid that they will be exposed by #45 for something he has record of them doing – probably being in Jeffrey Epstein’s black book for most of the. You KNOW that William Barr had that delivered to him immediately upon discovery during the FBI raid on his home. Trump has that book, I’d bet a $Millon that I don’t even have that he has it. It’s never been mentioned again since the night they took it during the raid. And the Epstein was dead shortly afterwards…conveniently. (that’s another topic entirely!)

That’s it for this blog rant. That’s what I think of what’s going on in the middle-east and why I am scared for the whole world. Times are changing. Life for all of us will be markedly changed for this time in history. It will be interesting, but scary, to learn and adjust to how those changes will affect each of us.

Peace to all.


Christmas 2019…Can it be over now?

I had a very sureal kind of day; almost like watching myself from a distance. I hated the day from start to finish. I tried to be with my family, but while I was physically present I was a million miles away in my head. Plus I have an incredibly bad chest cold and cough that’s making me feel miserable as well. Just a lousy fucking Christmas. I could easily have skipped the season altogether and been better for it.

The silent battles rage on. A New Year is on the doorstep and I’m hoping it will be better year for me. Hell, for everybody! I wasn’t impressed with 2019 one iota.

I’ve taken so much of the Nyquil severe cold stuff that I can’t sleep, even with the addition of half a gummy wafer. Agitated, irritated, isolated and feeling the heat. My brain is just going way, way too fast. I keep trying to continue moving in some semblence of forward, but I don’t feel like I’m really getting anywhere. Just about anything could happen right now and I’m not sure I could absorb any more this year. Counting down the days.

As every year, it was great to see my family all together today. This year was a pretty complete attendance! Every one of my siblings made it and everybody was in a holly jolly mood. You can feel the basic pulse of the nation in a room nowadays though, and politics did come up a few times. Overall we managed to steer fairly clear of primetime news and the impeachment. I heard some words on mixing church and state and classroom politics, but nothing major. Because I was in this sort of distant headspace today I spent a good amount of time just chilling in the recliner with my dogs and listening to the various conversations going on in the rooms. It was an interesting way to sort of observe the complexity of my family members without having to talk.

This year won’t be on my list of the best ones. I’m glad to see 2019 getting put to bed. Tired of the year, tired of the shitstorm it represents to me. Maybe I’m being a dick, but I’m just fucking through with 2019 and everything that has gone down in the last 4 months of the year. The first 3/4 of the year were pretty good, then it all went to hell in a handbasket at the beginning of September. I’m still not really able to comprehend or reason with the whys of it all. People change I guess and it can happen in a split second, right in front of your eyes.

On top of my own personal feelings of loss and turmoil with life there’s the added spice of the social and political climate in the world. I haven’t got a clue where we are headed, but it’s not looking very promising. It’s a dark day in our history. I’m sure historians will look at us like we were all a little bit insane and let it really get out of hand quickly.

Everything was going along really great the first part of the year. I was happy and enjoying life for the most part. Then my relationship ended, meaning I lost 2 people that I loved deeply from my life in a nanosecond. The pain from the hellacious gut-punch of that is still lingering. I have never expeirneced feelings like these before, the deep feelings of total loss. I try like hell not to think about her, but you know I do anyway…constantly…and it makes me crazy.

I rey to focus myself on the present moment and what’s in front of me today, then my mind wanders to what could have been, how I could be feeling instead of how I am feeling right now. I am so desperate for this pain and deep sense of uselessness to go away. Sure, I’ve got plans. I’ve got projects and things I need to do, things I want to do and places I want to go this year. But I feel like I am sort of spinning aimlessly in the wind with no real direction chosen to go in just yet. I’m pretending I have this under control…truth is that I am far, far from in control of anything at this time.

It’s been a real chore to just get through the holiday season this year. I can’t wait for it to be all over and done with and put in the books. I”m ready to just be back to day by day living, worrying about the normal stuff like oil bills, car repairs and which dog gets vetted this month. I want to have some old-style regularity in my days again.

I had to make a really, really difficult move today. I had to tell my recent ex not to contact me by text anymore unless it was about us. She would text me occasionally, and she did on Christmas morning. When I see her name come up on my phone my heart breaks wide open all over again every time. So I had to ask her not to contact me because I just don’t think it’s healthy for me to keep being given that sense of false hope every once in a while, and nothing to back it up. I love that woman so fucking much, it’s just tearing my heart to shreds going thru this.

Of course, you know that I do want to hear from her, but it’s not good for me because what I want from her is not anything she is willing to give to me again. That being the case, I just need to put her completely out of my life so I can move past the memories of her and the little one with some kind of success…if that’s even possible. I just hope they are both happy and have what they want in life, and who they want surrounding and loving them. Hopefully, life will treat them both well and they’ll be healthy, happy and long lived. We are now merely strangers who share memories.

Life goes on. It’s like a sort of evolution of understanding; constantly moving and adjusting as necessary. From peaceful days to those of upheaval and bereavement, it’s all just one big shit sammich.

“For now, we must press on with a steady vision of the new life ahead. There is a density that constantly attempts to pull us into the past, but we can free ourselves from its weight if we remember that our power lies solely in the present moment. It is time to embrace change with a full heart and an unbreakable spirit.” Night-dawn-day

I couldn’t have worded that better. That’s exactly where I currently am. On the precipice of letting go of the past completely and diving into whatever lies ahead – with no life jacket of course. The tide is turning though, and hopefully I will catch a wave I can ride for a while in peace.

I’m feeling a tad bit better this morning after Christmas…maybe I’m getsting over the hump with this cold I have. I’ll be glad when it’s through wreaking havoc on my senses! I’m more chipper today, more with it and slightly less sad…just slightly. Let’s see what I can make happen that will make me smile a little today.

I hope everyone is having fun celebrating whatever holiday floats your boat! Rock on!


A Different Way….My Thursday Thoughts

“Cut everyone a bit of slack today and allow others to be on a different page if that’s where they are most comfortable. Unfortunately, confusion arrives when people simply do not understand each others plans. However, a wide variety in responses to a particular situation is a study in perfection, since variation creates options. While practicing patience is challenging at times, all involved appreciate when you take the time to explain your position. Confirm your clarity by ignoring cryptic facial expressions or other red herrings and continue pursuing the truth. Speed reading is no substitute for true comprehension.” DailyOm Horoscope

I have been thinking alot about women “being in the closet”… and on how tug-of-war emotions, fear of unknown reactions, discrimination, fear of abandonment and admonishment, can steer us in vastly different directions. What if you have a lover, but your family doesn’t “know” that this person is your same-sex lover? Then, as time goes by perhaps the family starts to question this friendship – which to you is an intimate relationship – and this causes you discomfort. Do you tell your lover or do you keep it to yourself?

Feeling like an outsider, facing scorn and hearing lectures or negativity directed at you from parents, siblings or others because “they” think you are making a poor decision to be with someone of the same sex is a horrendous feeling. Anyone who has “come out” to their family understand this incredible amount of stark fear, anxiety and unconscious sabotage of oneself as one tries to cautiously steer around the obstacles created by the secrecy of the true nature of your relationship with your lover. And to steer around that lover’s feelings as well, especially if she is out herself and may not fully understand your own hesitation and fear.

We are all conditioned to follow a certain path in life through the guidance and expectations – usually of our parents and influential people in our lives – we are expected to follow those paths blindly because that is just what we do, fear reprisal from others for deviating from their ideas of how we are supposed to act and what we are supposed to do with our lives. This is particularly true for women.

Then there’s the part of admitting to your friends that you are indeed in a lesbian relationship. This will also extend to co-workers, associates and perhaps some clients who may know you better than others. Some professionals remain in the closet about their true sexual preferences due to fear of discrimination and negativity, or even violence, in the workplace.

A person may be able to maneuver carefully for some time to keep these areas of her life compartmentalized somewhat. Yet, eventually something will come up that will throw all of these pieces and people of your life crashing together in one place. At that point you have to make some decisions. Some uncomfortable, hard decisions. Some that may be life-altering. You’ll have to choose between being your truly authentic self, or to sacrafice being that true self for being what others wish to see and have come to expect you to be. The false sense that somehow we have to grow up, get married, have children and appease our parents and those who think they know us; keeping our true selves hidden and safe from questions and the possible shaming exposure of who we really are. Is it even possible to be happy with oneself while all of this is happening inside and outside of the mind?

Coming out later in life – in all that it means and entails – is a very frightening place to be, fearful of recrimination from those who’ve known you for decades, or parts of you, and having it revealed that they didn’t really “know” everything; that you’ve been masking a large piece of who you truly are from them. What will happen? Will they walk away? Leave you on your own? Take away their support and love? Stop helping, stop seeing you, stop doing business with you? Fire you? Refuse to hire you? Evict you? Yes, these are ALL things that can and DO happen to many when they come out into the real world. Once you’ve built a false world of security around you, speaking your truth could end it all, or it could enhance it all. You never really know until it happens, if it happens. It requires a bravery and confidence that can only come from within yourself.

Then there are those of us who are unable to be closeted. Those who live very out, visible and authentic lives in the public and private sphere. Our visibility is a curse and a blessing combined. When we walk into a room people notice and know. It’s not something we could hide even if we tried, and most of us have tried. We are a threat to those who disagree with our lifestyle and our preference. We’re a threat to those who remain in the closet. We’re a threat to those who are not closeted, but who don’t care for how blatantly visible we present.

Mixing those two can lead to hurt and shame. I have been in a position where my ex-wife could not have me in the same space as her mother. The influence and pressure the mother exerted on her was too much, it caused her shame and fear. It also caused me much shame. Shame that she didn’t see or understand. I felt that she was ashamed that I was her partner; ashamed of her love for me and ashamed to be seen with me. I treated her like a goddess, so I know it wasn’t about how I loved her, it was about her and her own issues of internalized homophobia. I never understood this until recently. Now I am no longer blind to that with women, and I hope not be put into that situation again. No closeted lovers. Period. I’m done with that now.

I also realize I’ve been too much of a nice-boi in recent times. I miss the power exchange and normalcy that the Butch-femme dynamic brings to my life. While I wanted my last girl to “get” it, I don’t really think she did. I tried to go slow, now I realize that was also a mistake. I should have been my more authentic relationship self from the get go, but I was fearful it would push her away. In reality, if that had happened, it would have been the indicator to me that she wasn’t ready for my type of relationship anyway.

I’m not into 24/7 PE but it does have to be a good part of my life, especially in certain settings. I’m not a great “teacher” either, and it should not be up to me to teach at my age. I need a woman who lives the life and knows it’s what she wants and needs part of her own life. A woman with far more experience in handling a Butch like myself. And who is sure and confident in her own sexuality; never doubting or questioning if she’s really lesbian or not, or if she wants to be in a lesbian relationship or not…not just a sex thing, a hook up or a part-time lover, but a serious, long-term relationship with just me, that’s exactly what I want.

While I did want that with my last lover, and wanted it very badly, I should have backed up and taken a look at what was standing in my way – her whole life and family, who she’s not out to completely 100%. I realize she’s got a whole “set-up” there to take care of herself and my encroaching on it wanting a more serious thing with her eventually made her have to make that choice and push me out of the picture, using an excuse so she didn’t have to admit the truth, so her life would continue to remain in it’s stable, comfortable and predictable state of being.

I missed all of the subtleties by being too focused on her. After a step back and counselling I now see the big picture much more clearly. It makes me sadder for her than for me, as it cannot be a fully enjoyable existence and has to leave one feeling that something is always missing. I love the fuck out of her and I hope one day she has that kind of deep happiness and fulfillment in her life that she probably wants. Hindsight is 20/20 they say, I had my eyes opened and even though I didn’t want to believe it, it fits like a glove.

That’s my blog for today. Have any of you ever dated a closeted woman? How did you handle it? How did it end?

Be Kind. ~~ MB

Manifesting and Snow

Step outside your comfort zone and you will be surprised in what you find.

Blogging, writing, journalling, call it what you may. It’s the only way the words in my head, the thoughts and weird shit that stirs around up there in the gray lagoon called my brain, get out and it helps me work on myself, to see things more clear, more true and with more open attitudes nowadays. My writing has been all over the place over the decade plus that I’ve been publically exposing my writing and thoughts. It’s improved, and I’ve improved. I’ve run the gamut from political opinion to gut-raw words of my truths. Some blogs have been better – just like some days or even years, have been better – right? And some blogs or articles I am far more sure of their content than others.

I write because it’s what I do. It’s what I like. It’s part of who I am. It’s my way of fighting back at the negativity I get for taking up a space in the world that some do not believe I should be in at all.

I also write because I CAN. Here in America we do still have a Constitution and Article 1 says I have the right to freedom of speech. I have much respect and admiration for those who blog and report from countries that do not have this right; for those who have been murdered, executed or died because they spoke out, the wrote about things their governments forbid. Imagine if that were America? (Shudders.)

What enters us to write through us is more an exploratory being than one completely sure of what we write. I do believe, however, that more evil has been done in this world by those absolutely sure of the rightness of their faith and their beliefs than by those who continue to explore, and the older I get, the more I realize that although part of a larger world and universe, we are all unavoidably alone in our existence.”

Words create the world around us; resulting in what is to be and what will become. How often we forget, we are what we say and do. Allow yourself to believe in what you are creating for it to be the best experience available. Speaking negativity will create negativity. Speaking positively will result in positivity.”

“Is it really unrealistic to think, you do create what you are and where you are going? The universe does put you in situations where you have no control, but there are things you can do before hand to end up there.”

What choices are you making today to make a better tomorrow? Are you allowing your words to impact your life positively?

Well, I try like hell to keep a positive spin on things. Depending on the subject, I try to look at life’s experiences as stepping-stones of your life’s progression on the journey, for the most part, a journey only known to destiny. I’ve followed my road where it’s taken me. And I believe that is all any of us really “do” in life.

“Lone behold the pessimistic truth that what you work so hard for to get is mostly unseen, until the end and success has long come to pass.” as it’s said.

What choices am I making…to continue to voice my opinion, to occupy this space and to be my authentic self in this fucking insane world we all live in. I’m choosing to continue on the adventure to see what I can see – as MUCH as I can see! And to have a peaceful heart. I’m making a choice to speak out against my own government; to speak truth to power, and to do my part in the resistance. And I’ve made the choice – or the discovery – that you really are only as happy as you want to be in reality.

“You’re the only person who can decide when you want to fail or succeed, to be happy or sad, to get up or stay down. Choose wisely and live without fear.” Ray Rodriguez

“When all else fails and there is nothing left, how empty the cup is. Looking for the fountain to fill with joy yet, no fresh springs are tapped. Just remember one thing that struggles can and will be more fulfilling rather than an instant gratification that will simply fade away. To be able to smile at the mistakes made, laughing at how small the giant elephant in the room seemed, is a true gift.” Will’s Words

I’ve been do a ton of reading as well as watching quite a bit of History and NatGeo channels and my brain feels a bit like a sponge. Probably just more useless factoids that I learn from the shows or book. My latest concentrated interest has been in the Viking world. Been watching as much history and culture videos as I can get my eyes on and doing a good amount of web research. The whole topic just fascinates me. I’d actually do cosplay if I could be a Viking warrior – maybe a slightly slower, older warrior…hehehe. I’ve been fascinated by Viking lore since I was a kid, always loved it and sought out books about it quite often. I have a notebook of my Viking lore stuff and a list of the settlements and warrior graves. I want to visit that area so fucking bad! It would be THE coolest kind of adventurous vacation.

Am I the only one who likes a little adventure in my travels? I’ve definitely made it a point throughout my life to do some cool shit in places I’ve visited or spent any amount of time in, and it’s definitely one of the most memorable parts of those times throughout my life. From listening to the Saguaros “sing” on a breezy Tucson night under the stars was something I could never forget, definitely very cool to a couple of nights hanging out around the old Stonewall bar in NYC and attending World Pride that year on a trip to NYC. THAT was a fucking blast!!! Smoking weed out front with cops continually walking by, they were more worried about fights than weed it seemed.

Ok, I was literally in the middle of writing this last night, thinking about the things that I want to have in my life and working on manifesting them, when my phone dinged with a text from someone I really wanted to hear from and who is on my mind constantly, but who I haven’t had the pleasure of any contact in about 5 weeks…yes, I do believe that there is something to this “manifesting” way of living and thinking. With the changes I have been instituting in my ways of thinking manifesting my desires fits right into my new attitude.

Anyway, it made my heart stop momentarily, my brain sort of short circuited, and I had to work to breathe…but it was woth it, worth any and every feeling that shot through me in that moment. I have no idea what it means. I am not going to assume anything. I am not going to become derailed in any way. I am just going to keep smiling, growing, learning and enjoying the little things in life. If anything should come of it in the future – which would be great – I will be in that moment and enjoy it if it happens. It’s not going to worry me now.

I had to deal with 9 inches of fresh snow this morning, and we have another predicted 10″ coming tonight thru tomorrow. My back is okay at the moment, but after the next clean out it will most likely be sore. I am going to book a chiropractor appointment for later in the week to help with the discomfort, plus extra Aleve, ice, heat and stretching will all be in order. Tomorrow I will wear my back support belt while shovelling… I forgot that today. I was too preoccupied with applying the proper layers of warm clothing and just forgot the belt. It’s not too bad tonight despite the forgetfulness.

My snow depth stick I made yesterday.

Ok, if to sleep…take care my friends and readers! Get ready for the new year that’s fast approaching!!

Be Kind. — MB