Saying Good-bye

A friend of mine passed away last Tuesday.  Kay Thompson taught me much about the horses that I loved so much. She was an icon in the Morgan horse world, a grand champion owner and a spokesman for the breed.  Back when I was in my LTR I worked often at her farm cleaning stalls and working with the horses.  In exchange she paid me a modest amount and gave me riding lessons on her impeccably trained steeds.  Kay was the owner of Broadfield’s Highover Morgan Farm in Eliot, Maine.  A great mentor, teacher and friend to me.  She will be missed very much by all who’s lives she touched.  While I didn’t see her much in the last few years here, I rode by her place almost daily and thought of her often. I remember riding by and having her wave and smile many times.

So today at 5pm I will visit Pelkey’s and pay my respects to Kay’s family.  I am sure I will see many others who will be there to do the same, some I will know and many I will not, because she touched so many hundreds of lives in her many years in this world and on the Morgan horse circuit.

The world will miss Kay…she was a wonderful gift to us all and will make a most excellent angel in Heaven.

Link to Kay’s Obituary

Thursday Thoughts….

It’s a crisp, chilly Thursday morning and I am up early and ready to go.  Got a doctor’s appointment first thing this morning.  Going to start a new program to try to get myself back on track.  I’m feeling good, albeit a bit anxious about this appointment.  I am finally getting over the bronchitis that has been with me the last 3 weeks.  And my voice is finally back to normal – whatever normal is for this rough, raspy voiced Butch.   At least I can talk again, for a week there I was having trouble even talking at all, as I had completely lost my voice to the cough from the bronchitis.

Lulu and Nola are doing well.  Lu seems back to normal.  It’s still very scary for me to think that it could happen again.  I’m less nervous about it than I was initially, but still that thought is stuck in my mind. She’s so precious to me.  The vet bills from this incident will keep me in debt to my sister for some time….oy vey.  Thank God she was there to help me though or this would have been a very different outcome.  And Thank God that Lulu survived and is thriving now.

I picked two of the pumpkins from my garden and put them on the front stoop of my place, along with a little scare crow dude that I picked up at the Christmas Tree Shop in Portsmouth.   I also planted some mini mums and got a big hanging mum to grace the entrance way.  It all looks really good.  I love fall and the decorating.  I love the colors of the oranges, greens and muted tones of yellow and red.  I can’t wait for the leaves to begin to change, that should be something to see this year.

Ok, I’m off to the doctor’s office and to have my day.  Perhaps I will write more later, I have a couple of things floating around in my head for topics.  Hope you all have a great day dear readers!   Peace!  ~MB

Remember

I’ve really got nothing much to say today.  It’s the 15th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attack on our country.  I remember where I was and what I was doing at the moments that thousands lost their lives.  I’ll always remember.  I will never forget.    Peace.  ~MB

An Up-date on the Lulu Crisis…

Happy Sunday everyone!  I hope you are having a leisurely, relaxed and happy day.  It’s beautiful here, I haven’t even had to kick on the air conditioning units today at all.  Lower humidity combined with a little lower temperature have made for an almost perfect weather-wise day.

Now to the heart of this post:  Lulu.  For those who don’t know, Lulu is my teacup Pomeranian dog and we had a major health scare on Friday.  She literally died on me and had to be revived by the veterinarian.  And let me tell ya, it was one quick trip to that vet office in town!  Luckily I got her there in time and she was able to be  brought back with CPR and intensive vet care.

Lulu then spent the night at the Port City Veterinary Referral Hospital in Portsmouth New Hampshire, which is just over the bridge from where we live in Southern Maine.  At the PCVRH, they had her in the critical care unit and did extensive treatments and testing.  Happily their treatments worked and she survived, and is thriving now.  The unfortunate part of this whole thing is A-that it happened, and B-we don’t know WHY or WHAT caused this to happen.  So I am petrified that it will happen again, and if it happens when I am not here it could be a fatal event.  That scares me and makes me sad too.

I picked Lu up at the hospital at 10am Saturday. She was soooo happy to see me; all wiggly and trying to jump from the technicians arms to get to me.  You would never know that a mere 18 hours earlier that this little dog lay dead in my arms….it was a miraculous that she survived and recovered as she did.  And it was all thanks to the veterinarians at the Kittery Animal Hospital and the Port City Referral Hospital, their professionalism and care and modern medicine.  Also, much credit for keeping me in one piece during this whole horrible ordeal goes to my friend Jen and my sister Patricia.  They were my anchors in the storm so to speak.   I am especially indebted to my sister, who helped me financially cover this sudden, tragic event.  I do have Trupanion pet insurance on Lulu, thankfully, but I have a $1000 deductible, and then they reimburse me 90% of costs after that.  So I had to pay up-front and will have to file the claim to be reimbursed.  The outcome and choices may have had to be very different if I had not had the insurance and the help from my sister, God Bless her.

At this point Lulu is stable and doing quite well.  We don’t know if this will happen again because we don’t have the answers as to what caused this episode.  She will be going to see a neurologist in the near future.  I am researching which one of the two recommended I will be going to see.  It’s either the sister clinic to Port City, which is called MVRH (Mass. Veterinary Referral Hospital) in Woburn, Massachusetts or MVMC (Maine Veterinary Medical Center) in Scarborough Maine.   I have a letter of referral for the insurance company and since it’s part of the care for the same condition/incident whatever it costs will be covered at the 90% figure.  Again, I cannot say enough how lucky and happy I am that I kept this sort of emergency medical insurance on Lulu, and I recommend that everyone with a pet check out Trupanion.com and get the catastrophic coverage at least.  My coverage on Lulu is only $21. a month, less than a buck a day.  I can’t stress enough how much peace of mind this can be.

Nola seems happy to have Lu back.  Even though she is a real pain sometimes to Nola.  She really loves Nola and likes to play with her, which sometimes is not what Nola wants to do.  Lu jumps all over Nola, kisses her good morning and tries to play the chase game when Nola is in the mood.  They are good at fetching balls together, I use two balls.  One larger one for Nola and a tiny one for Lulu.  We’ve gotten into the routine of playing out on the big part of the lawn around sunset every night.  It’s good for us all.

I’m doing pretty well.  Considering that this was a very stressful episode for me.  I managed to keep my cool and focus on Lulu’s needs.  It wasn’t until afterl that it really hit me as to the fact that I almosts lost my little buddy for good.  That would be tragic.

So, there’s the update.  Now I am just nervous  about this happening again.  I’m especially nervous that it could happen when I am not here to intervene and save her.  It’s a very scary position that I am in here.  I am sure that with some time I will become less wary.  But the event is so fresh in my mind that I can’t help but fear the worst at this point.

Tomorrow is Monday and I am back to work.  This will be the first time I will need to leave her.  My friend Jen is staying with me currently, so she’ll keep an eye on her for me tomorrow at least.  She’ll be staying the rest of the week I believe and then I will be forced to leave Lu alone with Nola for part of the day during my work days.  I have borrowed a HUGE dog crate from my sister and I set it up with one of Lulu’s little puffy beds at one end and her wee pad at the other.  There’s plenty of room for her to move around and be happy for the few hours that she might be left unattended.  I set it up so that it faces the couch where Nola lays when I am gone.  That way she can see Nola and be reassured by her presence.  I will be a virtual mess when I have to leave her without supervision.

Thanks to all of you who commented and shared your concern and support for us.  I especially thank Kathy, Bert, Jamie Ray, JFulbright, Jadescastle, and Bisexual Butch for their comments on my last blog.  Many of you also commented on my Facebook updates, and I thank you all for the prayers and good thoughts sent our way, we needed them all !

I am off to read my book and relax for the night!  Peace.  ~MB

Dog Crisis

I had a day from hell yesterday and last night.  The morning was fairly normal, I worked and work was fine.  I got home at noon, went into my room and Nola and Lulu loved up on me, giving me lots of doggie kisses and wrestled with me on the bed. It was a super love fest of dog and human bonding.  Then I went and got on my computer in my office for a few minutes.  I was looking at new vacuum cleaners  and dog steps for them to get onto the bed easier – and so I don’t have to continually lift them up onto the bed which is fairly high.

AS I sat there shopping and playing on the computer the dogs wanted to go outside so I opened the door to the back yard, which is in my office.  I let them out.  A few minutes later they came in.  Lulu came into the office and whined a little, then she laid down…and looked funny…she got up and then laid down again…she collapsed.  I quickly scooped her up and ran to the living room, yelling for Jen (my friend who is temporarily staying here) and for help.  Lu was completely limp, and I was petrified. Jenny grabbed her and started trying to revive her, She lost her bowels all over, and then I called the vet = but he had left for the day. So I yelled to Jen, we are going to Kittery Animal Hospital!!!  We bolted to the truck, Jen carrying Lu, who was completely lifeless at this point.  I drove like as fast as I could through Friday afternoon tourist traffic down Route 1 in Kittery to the animal hospital.  We ran into the hospital and blurted out that my dog has collapsed and needs help    The women in the hospital immediately took her from Jen and whisked her away out to the back room where they work on the pets they see.  They made us wait and try to tell them about what happened, while the doctors and nurses were all hovering over Lulu and working on her furiously.

I gave them the basics, she just collapsed, no forewarning, nothing weird about her.  She was completely normal with me when I got home a half hour earlier.  Even romping and playing like her normal self.  She just collapsed and stopped breathing, her eyes rolled back in her head, her tongue hung out and she lost her bowels. She basically died in my arms.  I thought she was gone for sure.

The doctor at the animal hospital came out after about 15 minutes to see me and Jen.  We were in the waiting room, crying and wracking our brains for what she could have gotten into at the house.  The doctor said it didn’t look good, that they got her back, that she was not breathing on her own, but had to be intubated and was being kept alive via a breathing machine at that moment.  Her heart rate was half of what it should be, 50 bpm, when it should have been closer to 120 bpm.  She asked us repeatedly what happened just before the dog collapsed, we told the story over and over, she was fine one second and in a heap on the floor the next….no physical explanation visible.

Finally she started breathing on her own again and they had put in an iv tube in her little arm and had catheterized her, now it’s time to transport her to the Port City Referral Hospital for intensive care and possible diagnosis.  I took her and she was just limp and laying in my arms, her eyes were all weird and her tongue was hanging out of her mouth abnormally.  It was pitiful.  My sister Patricia had arrived at the vet clinic by this time to help me out….thank God.  She is well schooled in dog/cat veterinary stuff and has a calm and control demeanor.  At that time I was basically losing my cookies, I was worried to death and heard about every 3rd word.  Patty drove me and Lulu to the hospital in her fiancé’s truck, and Jen went back to my house to check on Nola and make sure she was okay. Poor Nola didn’t know what was happening, except that I was upset and yelling and her little sister was nowhere to be seen.

Patty and I drove over to Port City…the drive was excruciating.  Poor Lulu just laid there, and little whine noises would escape her occasionally.  By the time we got to Port City I think she was again on the brink of death.  We ran inside with her, up to the desk and explained who we were.  An intern immediately came out and took Lulu and rushed back into the triage room.  She needed immediate help breathing again and was in critical condition.

Patty and I waited in one of the private vetting rooms.  Room 4.  The doctor, a young woman of about maybe 28-30 came out a few minutes later to meet us and tell us what was up with Lu.  Her name was Shannon Moynahan, DVM.  She explained in detail that Lu was in serious condition and they were doing all they could for her.  Then she wanted to know what she got into, or could she have gotten into something poison.  I explained that I didn’t see her get into anything, and that she just collapsed unexpectedly.  The doctor said she was presenting neurological signs, her eyes were rolled back in her head, her tongue was hanging out and she had not body control whatsoever.  She was just limp and at the mercy of God and these veterinarians.

Over the course of a couple of hours the doctor came out to update us a few times.  She was going to give Lu some medication that would help with swelling in her brain, and fluids to flush out her system.  The neuro symptoms might indicate a congenital defect, maybe hydro incephelitis (sp?) or maybe her cranium was growing wrong around her brain.  She looked like she was going to be really compromised neurologically.  I cried some more.

What did I want to do if she took a turn for the worse?  That was Dr. Moynahan’s question…my answer was no heroic efforts were to be made, if she turned for the worse let her go and cross that rainbow bridge peacefully.  I had to make decisions.  I had to think and my brain was just mush from all of this.  I didn’t want to lose Lulu, I didn’t want her to be in pain and agony, or live a compromised life….my choices were 1, monitor her for a few hours, transport her to a neurologist in Boston for specialized neurological work up to see if it’s a brain issue.  They could not do that work at the hospital where she currently was bing cared for.  2) euthanasia.

I was devastated.  I cried some more.  Patty cried with me.  We asked a million questions of the doctor.  We looked up things on our phones, conditions the doctors said were possible…like liver shunts, hydro incephalitis, and heart issues in Pomeranians.  We discussed and we cried.  We wanted to give her a chance.  It was going to be really expensive but Patty agreed to help me out with the initial expenses, thankfully, and we decided on a 3rd option.  let them keep Lulu over night, see if she improves and make a more concrete decision in the morning after I had some time to think and talk about it with the important people in my life.

In the meantime the Doctor came out again and asked what we wanted to do, and to tell us that she’s pleasantly surprised to say that Lulu was responding well to the treatments she was receiving, and was awake and alert.  She wasn’t out of the woods, but it looked promising.  We discussed our plan to have them take care of her over night and for us to revisit the whole thing in the morning after I had had some time to think and plan.

The doctor agreed that this was a good plan.  Especially since Lulu was responding.  I didn’t want to make the harsh decision to put her to sleep without giving her a chance to fight whatever was wrong with her.  Again we discussed toxins and poisons with the doctor, we had to figure out if she got into something.  Only a visit to the neurologist would tell us if she had a congenital defect.

I got to go back and see her before I left to go home.  She saw me and her eyes lit right up and she tried to get to me. She was weak, and hooked up to a bunch of tubes and iv’s and the such.  I hated seeing that sweet little dog like that, but I knew she was right where she needed to be at that moment.  She was in serious trouble, and she needed intensive care.  There were two girls there with her, one was holding her down sort of with a heating blanket over her.  The doctor said her heart rate was slowly coming up, it was about 70 bpm at that time, still not up to 120 where it’s supposed to be, but improving.  Lulu obviously knew me, so if there was brain damage it didn’t cause her to forget me.  Thank God again.  It was a true miracle that she was even alive, after dying at the house and being rused to the vet to be revived, then making the trip to the bigger hospital, and going through all the testing and stuff they were doing.

The did a full blood panel and everything came back normal.  No abnormalities at all.  The doctor said it was amazing that she was basically a very healthy little dog, what was going on was a baffling mystery to all of us.  She was receiving fluids to flush toxins and stuff out of her system.  I tried to keep from crying again, and tried to be strong for her.

I went home.  At about 7:15 pm the doctor called to update me on Lu’s condition and progress.  The doctor was truly amazed, the little dog was responding terrific to the treatments and was up and walking around, she had eaten dinner and had gone outside to pee with one of the technicians.  She was no longer presenting the neurological symptoms, her eyes were normal, pupils were back to normal and her tongue was back in her mouth.  She evidently looked quite good.  The doctor was very pleased.  Given all that had gone on, and her response to these medications the doctor was quite certain that Lulu had been exposed to some sort of poison or toxin here at the house.  It didn’t look like it was a neuro problem after all, but we might want to still go ahead with the MRI in Boston to make sure – and since this incident is covered by my Trupanion Pet Insurance I do want to get it all done, a full work up in Boston.  Yes, I had insured the little dog.  I bitched every month about the $21 payment, but now I was super glad that I had this coverage on her.  I have a $1000 deductible, which we more than met today, and then I am covered at 90% for evcerything above that.  It’s a per incident/condition coverage, so everything related to this particular incident will be covered.  Thankfully I kept up with the payments on this policy.  I now truly recommend that if you get a young dog or cat you consider doing the same.  Trupanion.com has all of the information on how to get your dog or cat covered and have that peace of mind.

I didn’t sleep all night.  I am very worried about Lulu and the house seems empty without her little paws tapping around the floor with Nola’s.  Nola has been moping and not wanting to do too much herself. She seems a bit out of sorts, I am sure she is wondering where her little sister is and what’s going on. It’s been too quiet, and too lonely.  I miss the little bugger.  Miss Lulu Palulu…Osama Bin Fuzzbutt….the shit house Rat….Lulu Belle.  Yes, she’s got a few endearing things that we call her, and she responds to them all!

I am going to visit her at 9:30 am this morning.  I am hoping for a good progress report and to see her doing well, maybe even acting normally and back to herself.  I am praying that it WAS a poison or toxin and it’s NOT something more serious – although this was serious enough !  But at least if it was a toxin I can figure out where she got into it and what it was perhaps, eliminate it and go on with life with Lulu….if it’s something more serious I’ll just have to deal with that as I am able and as she requires.

So, that was my afternoon and evening yesterday….hell day.  I thank God that Lulu is alive and hope she is going to be okay in the long run.  I will keep you all updated with posts and pictures.

Peace.  ~MB

7 Ways to Lovingly Support Your Gender Non-Binary Partner

This is a piece I posted over at Everyday Feminism that I wanted to cross-post here. This advice, while geared towards romantic partners, can more generally be applied to anyone who has a gender no…

Source: 7 Ways to Lovingly Support Your Gender Non-Binary Partner

Gardens & Vaping Again…

So I woke up to my alarm at 6am this morning and got up.  It’s set for 6am to remind me to get up for work days, plus to take my am medications.  Even on Saturdays and Sundays I tend to just get up when it goes off, even though I don’t have to work.  I’m not one to sleep in late days, I have too much going on in my head from the moment that I wake up in the morning until I find my way back to sleep at night.  Lately I’ve been taking something to help me fall asleep because I’ve been too ramped up when it’s time to sleep to do so.

So anyways, I got up early, got dressed and fed the dogs.  I wandered around my house for about an hour drinking coffee and having my morning smokes. I wasn’t real sure of what to do with myself at that early hour, but then it dawned on me that Home Depot opens at 6am….so I put the dogs’ new rainbow collars on them (Dad bought the rainbow collars for them at the Strawberry Festival back in June).  Once the collars were on they were very excited because that generally means they are going for a ride in the truck.  And they LOVE to ride with me where ever I go.

I drove over to Home Depot in Somersworth New Hampshire — just got to love living right next to a tax-free state like NH.  My intentions were to look at lumber to build my work bench with in the shed.  But I got distracted too easily by the clearance they were having on perennial plants in the garden center.  I ended up with five new perennials for my garden.  I got two different coreopsis plants, one all yellow and one yellow flowers with red centers.  Those will spread quite nicely and return every year and they flower for a long period of time generally.  I got two types of brown eyed Susans, one lower growing bush and one higher grower.  The last plant I got was a huge bleeding heart – which is one of my favorite plants of all.  Of course, it’s gone by for this year but the plant was huge and magnificently healthy, so I planted it with the thought that next year I will have a nice big bush of bleeding hearts come late spring.  Here are the plants I put in today.

Maybe it’s not so Butch to like to plant flower gardens, but who cares, I love it. It’s just a relaxing and rewarding activity that I enjoy immensely.

The vegetable garden has gone insane.  It’s just fucking huge.  And we are cultivating pumpkins finally!  There are several of them in various sizes growing now.  Thus far we have gotten tons of summer squash, zucchini, and cucumbers and basil out of it.  There are loads of various types of tomatoes growing, but they are not yet ripe to eat.  I don’t know why I grow tomatoes because I don’t really like them except in salsa and bruschetta.  I made sure I grew a Roma tomato bush because those are the kind that I like with my bruschetta.  I will probably also try to make some salsa since we have so much basil and so many tomatoes.  I do know it’s going to be a helluva clean up of that garden when it goes by this fall.  Here is the veggie garden, as you can see it’s far outgrown it’s borders.  It’s a raised bed garden, and evidently the soil we bought to fill it was pretty damned fertile!

Other than gardening today I haven’t tackled any other projects yet.  I’m feeling a bit “off” today, just not with it.  I have a lot of shit on my mind, things I have to get done, things that need my undivided attention but just aren’t going to get it today….ok, so I did find the energy to go and pick up a gazebo frame that a friend of mine was giving me.  I got it here and I think I am missing 2 pieces to put it together….I’m going to check back in his garage and make sure they didn’t get left behind.  If I can’t find them then I am going to make those pieces out of either some PVC or some one-by stock.  Plus I need nuts and bolts to put it together, those obviously didn’t get saved when they took it down.  Neither did the canopy, which I can buy online easy enough, they have many available in universal fits.  This ought to be fun to see how it comes out.  I’d love to have a nice gazebo in my backyard with some screen sides I can put down at night so that we can sit outside and play cards or just chill.  Well, guess I am halfway to that at this point, just need to find the rest of the pieces or make them!

I got my vaping stuff back out and have been using the vape in between smoking cigarettes.  It does keep me cut down on my regular smoking habit, plus I love the taste o some of the e-liquids I have on hand, like the Kilo Dewberry Cream and the Kilo Cereal Milk.  There’s one called Blind Date that’s not bad either.  Now the last time I tried switching to vaping I ended up with blood poisoning and in the hospital (back in June) and I put it down then.  But that’s not what caused me to get sick, so why not try it again.  I could be saving so much more money if I could get totally switched over to vaping.  I wouldn’t be buying expensive cigarettes.  And the e-liquid or vaping juice is much cheaper.  I’m trying desperately to save some money for a good used truck and to move Kat up here.  Two big expenses….I hate money, it just complicates things so much.

I would work more, but the government would take away my disability benefits, and my health insurance…and without that I would be dead in a matter of time.  I depend on my health insurance to cover the medications that I take for HIV, which are very very expensive.  Plus I just can’t work a 40 hour week anymore, it does me in and I get sick every time I try it.  So I depend on those benefits to survive.  But it sucks because it means living on a limited – very limited – income and that makes it very difficult to save funds.  My fund raising page is doing pretty good, a few very good friends have pitched in to help me with my goal of raising enough money to buy a decent used truck.  I am hopeful that the fund will keep growing!  I thank everyone who has pitched in thus far, you don’t know how much it really means to me.  I’ve never been one to ask for help like this, it’s totally new to me, but I helped a friend who was in dire straits once with a fund raiser and I thought what the heck, I can ask for a little help too.  Sounds awful, huh?  Oh well.

The heat wave sort of broke a little bit today, it wasn’t as humid outside at all. When I got up this morning I actually had to put on a sweatshirt for a while as it was a bit chilly even.  It warmed up to a nice even temperature and NO humidity all day, what a relief!

3:30am…I can’t sleep anymore tonight, I’m just wide awake.  Insomnia strikes again.  I did sleep from about 9:30 last night til about 3am, so I think I got plenty of rest. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts.  Oh…and it’s raining!  Yes!  We need rain so badly, I’m glad to see it finally raining.  I woke up and realized I never posted this tonight.  Ah, my bad.

Hey, here is the picture of the cool bird nest that I found in that straggly old bush I took down the other day:

 

 

Thirsty Thursday

It’s been unbearably hot here in Maine this month, and we haven’t gotten any measurable amount of rain at all.  My lawn is brown and dry….I don’t know why I continue to mow and trim just to cause a dust storm in the process, other than that the place looks great.  Yesterday I worked outside in the scalding heat for about 4 hours doing yard work.  My buddy Tyler came by and helped me.  We removed one of the big overgrown bushes in the front of the house, chainsaw and muscle it came down and we dragged the remnants up into the woods behind the house for disposal.  I found this very cool bird’s nest made of mud and sticks in that old nasty bush.  It’s very cool and really well made, birds are amazing construction creatures.

So here’s the result of our work yesterday.  Next to come down are the two bushes to the left side of the photograph.

I am really pleased with being rid of that horrendous bush, and will be happy when the others are also gone.  I am planning to plant a row of globe arborvitae’s along there, and do some flower beds as well.  The forcythia bush to the right is going to be trimmed up to a globe shape.  I’m going to wait for this humidity to break before I attempt to tackle the rest, it’s just too brutal sweating to death in this heat right now to continue to break my back getting this done.

I’ve been catching some of the DNC on TV, and I have to say it’s amazing to watch history being made, i.e. a woman being nominated to run for President.  But, I am not as excited as I was 8 years ago when Barrack Obama was running and I was squarely behind him and voted for him.  I just cannot get excited about this current election, it’s just not in me.  The fact that Donald dickhead Trump is even on the ticket makes me sick to my stomach.  The possibility that he could be the leader of this country is so ludicrous it isn’t even funny.  It will surely be one nasty election campaign on both sides.  How can it NOT be?

I’ve been trying to figure out how to come up with the cash for another vehicle, but at the same time I also need to be figuring out how to get my girl up here to live with me in Maine.  Her circumstances there in VA are not ideal at all…she’s under a considerable amount of personal stress and strain, and she has a heart condition, so I worry like crazy.  I’d like very much to have her living with me again.  It would just be the best thing for both of us.  So, I am trying to save for moving her up here, and trying to save for another vehicle because come October mine is off the road permanently.  I did start a “Go Fund Me” page, and I’ve raised $100 in donations so far.  Here’s the link: My Fund Raising Page

I have also been selling items on Ebay and in the Seacoast Online Yard Sale page on Facebook, and that is going fairly well.  Every penny counts so much right now.  It’s just a bitch trying to make ends meet.  I wish I could work full time, but that’s not a possibility so I try not to think about it and do the best I can with what I have. I have budgeted everything to the penny, and I will reach my goals just give me some time.  I’ll get her up here and will hopefully have a good used truck to get around in by October.  I don’t need anything fancy, just a small pick up that will pass the state inspection and has 4 good tires.  I like to have a truck because of all the hauling around of stuff that I do with my buying and selling stuff to supplement my income.  I can’t be without wheels, I have to be able to get to the doctors and the hospital and stuff.  And where I live there is no public transportation at all.  It’s too rural and spread out.  So that’s not an option.  I can find a decent used truck for about $2,500. so that’s what my plan is, and that’s what I am trying got save and raise money to get.

I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 years now since I had my chest surgery.  I’m still pleased as hell with the results.  August 18th will mark two years.  The scars are visible, but I don’t mind them at all.  For anyone else who is considering this type of surgery I say if you aren’t attached to your boobs, they bother you or you have dysphoria about them then go for it.  I know it made a world of difference to me, my dysphoria is now just about non-existent.  I feel so much better about myself.  Boobs just never suited me, I’m much happier without them.

Well, that’s all for tonight.  I’m a bit sore from working yesterday, my calves are hurting me and I want to lay down and watch some TV and rest for the night.  Nola and Lulu are already crashed out, they seem to want to go to bed nights around 8pm.  Lazy dogs.  I hope you are all doing well my friendly readers!

Peace!    ~MB

 

 

 

 

Love

Tags

boredom, butch, dyke, gardening, love, mainelybutch, romance

Love is just a giant little word.  One I am afraid of and have really only said and meant a very few times in my life.  Sure, there is platonic love like how you love a friend for being a friend, or parental love as in how we love our parents.  But there is also a thing called romantic love.  Romantic love is what I speak of here.  I have an issue with it evidently.   When I was younger and more outgoing I chased after love like it was an intoxicator that I just had to have to breath; to live.  But now in my older age here I do far less chasing after this type of love.

Currently I am in a long distance relationship with my lover from Virginia.  Long distance love just sucks when what you crave is the daily touch of another human being.  I want her hands on my body, her kiss upon my lips.  I want the sigh of a woman in my ear.  Distance just keeps all of this from me in a way that feels so cruel and stinging.

Love is one of those emotions I used to try to steer clear of for a few of the more recent years.  I don’t feel like I am very easy to understand for most people, therefore not very loveable to them either.  My exterior is a bit on the harder, rough side and I can be quite stoic in my emotions.  But believe me when I do crack and cry the tears flow like rivers.  It’s not that I mean to be sort of shut down sometimes, but I often am afraid of what to say and don’t want to make mistakes by saying the wrong things.  I tend to speak my mind and that’s not always a good thing I have learned.

Love is a very personal thing for me.  It never has come easy.  I am wary of being burned and thus I take my time with someone.  I have to know that the person loves me that same way that I love her.  I’m a very chivalrous type of Butch, I like to do things that some consider to be male attributes, like pull out her chair, open her car door and entry doors to buildings.  I believe it’s very easy to be kind and chivilrous at the same time.  I’m also one who likes to take care of my woman, make sure she’s happy and contented.  The happier the wife the happier the life!  And that is one very true statement.  And the happier she is the happier I can also be.

As you can see from this post Love has been on my mind heavily lately.  I’m hungry for the touch of another body, and for some ah-mazing sex.  But alas I remain alone here and committed to the path I am walking right now.

Peace!  ~MB

Little Things and Memories

It’s the littlest things that bother me, water on the floor, toothpaste squished wrong, and bugs in the house.  An unkept house, dishes in the sink, and mad piles of laundry will send me into a fit.  I like things to be clean, neat and organized.  It’s simple to me.  It’s easy.  I keep my space clean and neat and don’t see how it’s so hard for some others.

I’ve been going through all of my pictures in my computer.  Man, there are thousands. Some I know can go in the shitter, they are either people who don’t talk to me anymore or care about me in any way or people I don’t care to associate with any longer.  Then there are the “goof” pics, mistakes.  I am finding that I use photography for a range of things.  To document something like the blooming of the Asian Spider Lily or construction of the new bridge.  I also like to take pictures that represent where I live, lobsters, lighthouses, beaches, etc.  I never seem to print many out though.  So yesterday I spend some time printing a few select photos out. Some I will send to people, and some I will frame.

I’ve been fighting the system lately.  They’re trying to take away my insurance benefits which I NEED badly to help pay for my slew of HIV medications.  It seems that the job I have is interfering in that I was making too much to qualify for the benefits.  I have a case worker who visited me on Friday and she is going to try to intervene on my behalf

I have to say I am very healthy once again.  The scare I had in late May into June was a real wake up call for me.  No more drug holidays or illicit drug use.  I’ve managed to survive for 25 years now with HIV and HEPC in my system.  It’s through the wonders of modern medicine that I am alive and well. I have a great support system, good family, great friends and superior doctors and medical team.  I’m lucky and blessed.

I’ve been focused on staying healthy.  My weight is down around 125 now and I feel good at this lighter weight.  I’ve had to sort through my clothing because alot of it didn’t fit anymore.  I bought some new jeans the other day that do fit and feel right.  I am still the most comfortable days in my jeans and t-shirts at this time of year.  Occasionally I will wear cargo shorts if I am feeling froggy.  I’m just a simple kind of Butch, one that doesn’t need a lot of pomp and circumstance when it comes to clothing.  I like well made jeans, like Aeorpostale, Hollister, Levi’s and soft cotton t-shirts.  Finished off with a good pair of work boots, I am ready to roll.

It’s another really hot day here.  It’s been in the 90’s lately with very high humidity.  All you do is sweat when you go outside.   I’ve been hibernating a little bit in here with my air conditioning.  I have two units in the house, one in the front of the house cooling the living room and kitcen and one in the rear cooling my bedroom and office.  Plus I have a fan going here in the office.

When it cools down a bit here, probably toward late August at the rate we are going, I am going to be doing some major work in my outside shed.  I have drawn up plans to build a nice work bench for gardening and woodworking and am going to put in shelves and the such for storage.  I am anxious to get to the project, but the weather is just too damned hot right now.  I did have a yard sale last weekend and got rid of most of the junk and stuff I didn’t want that was in there.  So I have plenty of space to work now.

The garden has gone insane.  It’s producing all kinds of stuff.  I have zucchini, summer squash, cucumbers, basil and tomatoes galore.  There are pumpkins growing and the water melon plant is growing but struggling, and has yet to indicate that it is going to grow a water melon.   Charlie picked me one of the blossoms from the Asian Spider Lily, it’s in a cup of water here next to me in my office.  The fragrance is so light and pretty.  Such an interesting lily it is.  Delicate.  He’s going to give me one of the bulbs from it, which I hope to make grow.

Wow, it’s just been a boring and lazy day. Writing this blog has seemed to have taken me all day, I have just been poking at it when I felt like it.  I’ve spent a good part of my day here in my office puttering with things, doing paperwork and organizing. I just find myself really bored lately.

Next weekend is the annual Tractor Show at the Raitt Farm in Eliot.  I enjoy going to that every year and seeing all the tractors, the parade, and the vendors.

I was thinking today, as I browsed through some of the photos of people I have known in my life that it’s a good thing that memories fade.  The hurt fades and you get over it.  I came across a couple of photos of people who I had seriously really cared for deeply and who I was hurt by in the end.  Now I don’t even recall that hurt, other than I don’t want to feel that way again.  I’m sure I wasn’t entirely innocent, I’m sure I said things that were not called for too, but it’s just a good thing that the brain makes these things fade away and become non-issues at some point.  Into the trash folder those pictures shall go.  If they don’t wish to continue to be in my life on any platform, then so be it.  I don’t need the memories.