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Moving Past This Sick Feeling

Whew…the last few days have really sucked the bag! I’m so glad I am through it and have a much improved outlook and far better attitude this morning. I really can’t get myself all fucked up about this and let it emotionally damage me any further. It’s time to just let it go, breathe and take care of myself.

I reached out to some buddies and got some excellent advice and was able to process some of this a lot better through their words of wisdom. Thanks to my Butch pals out there…I see you Bros…I see you…. and let me not forget the femmes that reached out to me as well, much love ladies! This is my tribe; solid, caring people who see the world authentically.

I awoke this morning with a smile on my face. I laid in bed for about 10 minutes trying to figure out why I suddenly find this all just too damned stupid to be this upset about and why I feel this relief. I know why, because it is too stupid. This was a really dumbass reason to end the type of connection I had with this woman. She’s a great woman, and has many awesome qualities. And one slightly bad one – she holds onto anger like her life depends upon it. She lets little things manifest and stew inside her head far too long. I am the type that has to let that anger go or it will eat me alive. I have no time or brain space for grudges. Anger will burn you out – from the inside out, all while making you miserable and despondent.

WE all need a sense of belonging. Belonging to somewhere, something, somebody, etc. We all desire to be liked, loved and needed. Not having those things, and not belonging are some of the most dangerous hurts we can deal with in our lives. I’ve dealt with it throughout my life, yet still I try to find my place in this world and make it all make sense. It has the power to break our hearts, our spirits and our sense of self worth. When you face the breaking of those things there are only three outcomes that can happen.

  1. You live in constant pain and numb with substances, food, sex or bad habits.
  2. You deny your pain and your denial ensures that the pain manifests in you and that allows it to affect those around you.
  3. You find the courage to own the pain and develop a level of empathy and compassion for yourself and those around you that allow you to see hurt in the world in a unique way.

So, I am going for #3 here. I own it. I have sit with this pain myself and I need to look at it, recognize it and let it go so that I can be compassionate to others’ pain in this world. It’s not all about me, and I have to let that sink in deeply. Because there is so much other pain in this world that is so much greater and here I am crying about feeling some heartbreak.

There were some good comments left on my last blog. I appreciate all of your input out there! It’s good to know that I am not alone in this world and that these feelings will pass and I will survive to love another day.

I am not angry with her. Yes, I feel hurt and sad because I still love her deeply. I believe she is deeply hurting and very angry about so much that she’s got going on, that she cannot sort this small incident out to fit it into her world of pain. Somehow I had to be made the villian in the story so it would make some sense. I see that now. I get it. I wish she didn’t have to deal with all that she has to deal with on a daily basis, and I hope she can eventually find peace with some of it. She’s one awesome woman, strong, smart and beautiful in mind and body and I only want her to find her happiness somehow. If I cannot be part of that equation then so be it, she has to take care of herself because I cannot do it for her – no one can.

This kind of drama stuff is partially why I shied away from women for a few of the recent years. And it’s why I have always stayed far from Facebook bullshit. You can try to talk truth to bullshit, but generally it doesn’t work. So staying far from it is best all around.

I took a chance on something that I see as beautiful and worth it. I’m glad I took that chance and while I am sorry that it’s most likely ending like this. I am ok inside because I had the opportunity to experience a great connection and deep love with her. That was worth it all – every damned minute.

Today I am alright. I feel strong and resolved. I’m done torturing myself over this. It’s not doing me any good, just doing damage and making me miserable. So I’m done with it. I completely understand that it’s out of MY control at this point and I know that and there’s literally nothing I can further do about it. I tried and tried, and it didn’t work out. I’m going to get back to the present; back to real life in the here and now. so that I can take care of myself and my world.

I have much to do, much to get done and I cannot sit around and have a pity-party any longer. That party’s over. I’m pulling myself up by the bootstraps and soldiering onward. Should she decide to call me to talk it out, great, but I am not going to sit here foolishly waiting on her to decide that any longer. This has all gone on far, far too long and it must end. While I still see it as a horrible way to end such a great thing, there’s not much I can do if she does not want me in her life any longer – enough has been said.

Again, thanks to everyone who gave me great support and advice. Much love to you all. I am going to drop this subject from my blogs now. I have no need to beat a dead horse. I believe that I am a better person for having had this kind experience of love and deep connection with her and I can carry the good stuff with me and discard the rest.

Peace – MB

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Feeling Ghosted

I’m up and about, doing my house chores before venturing out into the world today. I think I am going up to the sunflower maze to get lost for a while.

I’m just sitting with thoughts today. My phone pinged this morning with a reminder of my upcoming scheduled flight to TX. I won’t be going. She should reserve those tickets and cancel my reservations…I sent her a short note about it, expecting no response, just telling her about the notification. They are tickets she got me, so she has to make those changes. I tried and I cannot without certain information that I do not have.

I feel like I’ve been “ghosted” and that feeling sucks especially badly when it’s from someone you love and care for so deeply, and who you trusted so completely with your heart. I miss her. I miss the kid. I miss our daily connection, funny memes, inside jokes, her laughter, her voice…all of it. My life is better with her in it…once she felt the same.

I am resigned that it’s her choice if she wishes to move into a new phase of our relationship and try to work this out. I have nothing more to say to her via text or email. I’ve tried my hardest to reach out to her and ask forgiveness. I am the type of Butch that does not give up on something I value and love so much. I fight for it – if it’s worth fighting for, and in this case I truly believe it IS worth the fight. At this point I am just here, I have to just sit with this and own it. I screwed up, but I don’t believe it’s worthy of tossing out a great relationship. I believe we can work together to repair this and move forward. I just wish she would reach back to me and give us that chance before it’s too late.

I’m just going to chill today. Nothing heavy. Nothing stressful or complicated. I have to realize that I have done everything I know how to do – short of going there to try to see her, but I won’t do that because that would just upset her more. I am not trying to make this worse, believe me.

I’m turning off comments. I just needed to write a bit. Now I am going to breathe and move on into the beautiful day we have here today.

MB

OFOS Butch-femme Dynamic

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Loved this blog!!! https://persistentlyfem.wordpress.com/2017/07/04/old-fashioned-old-school/.

The Bitch of Letting Go When it Feels Wrong

There is a point at which I have to give in and realize she doesn’t want me anymore. I will NEVER understand, never. This will haunt me for a good while because while I was trying my hardest to talk to someone, they responded with silence. I kept at it because I love her so damned much and wasn’t willing to accept an ending like this, it’s just not right. Maybe I was asking for too much in wishing she would eventually want to talk to me; maybe she would miss me the way I am missing her. I don’t think I will ever know. Maybe it’s crazy AF, but my heart still holds that sliver of hope that maybe she’ll eventually call me.

The few people close to me that I have told the basics, that we are having problems and I am hoping to work through it, have told me to not torture myself, just drop it and move on. You can’t force things, she has to want what you want. I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to see anyone else. I know who I love and I know this is a deep, loving connection that just got it’s wires crossed up…just needs to be righted…*sigh*

I texted her several times last night and yesterday…nothing. So I am taking that as her answer to my heart-felt requests to help me put us back together. I think we could be stronger than ever after having dealt with the last 3 weeks. I told her I would stop, and I am stopping. If she ever wishes to talk to me or see me she now has to make that move, because I poured my heart out and she ignored me. I cannot continue doing that to myself.

I’ve made counselling appointments, talked to my therapist a couple of times via phone, done some deep thinking and looking inside. I have come to the conclusion that while I contributed to this melt-down I need to accept it really is something that I cannot fix alone and if she’s not going to help me then I need to let go. This letting go makes me profoundly sad. I am grieving and it hurts like a mother fucker. THIS is why I never let any woman into my world this deeply, this is exactly why. I trusted her, thought she trusted me, and thought we could survive anything together. I will not accept that I was wrong about that, because I believe we can, if we want to do so.

I am going to throw myself into painting today. I have a job interview next week. I stayed out of work because of all the things she and I had planned to do together until the end of this month, but now I need to go back to work and just quietly focus on myself and what I have here that is good and pure.

I’m 57..it’s time for me to retire from even trying to find love again. I don’t want to, I can’t go through this shit ever again. I’m going to retreat back into my old life and stay the fuck away from anything remotely threatening to my vulnerability. It’s not worth it anymore.

MB

It’s been almost a week… I’ve tried everything I know to get her to talk to me and nothing’s working. I guess the fact that she’s not responding to me at all anymore IS her answer, maybe she just wants me to go the fuck away.

I’m sad but I don’t know what else to do i’ve tried everything.

I seriously thought that we could work this out and that we had a solid relationship that was worth saving and worth working on no matter what. Now I don’t know what to think.

I wish I could have been a better person in this. I know I did it to myself, and i’ve asked for forgiveness but i’m not getting it.

I’m crushed.

Hurting Sucks

Damn. Where do I go from here? I feel so fucking lost and super sad. I have managed to keep myself from crying…at least just watery eyes, no tears yet. I had hope that she would maybe call and try to talk this out with me. I guess I need to let that go. She won’t call. Someone who doesn’t even KNOW me has convinced her that I am bad for her now. I have to leave her be and let her find her own way. I have to let it go.

She’s a stubborn woman and holds grudges for a long time. She feels that somehow I did her wrong, thus I got kicked to the curb. Nothing I could say helped. Nothing. It got sooo fucking bungled up, nothing made ANY sense in the end, nothing at all. It was a very stupid reason to end an almost 2 yr great thing.

I sent her a text and wished her happiness. But what the fuck IS happiness? I don’t know anymore. I thought I did, for a minute there, but it’s fast disappearing. I do wish her only the very best and I will miss her and her daughter like insanely crazy kind of miss. Somehow I have to accept this is her choice and stop wishing it were different. I will, it will just take a few months.

I don’t know what to do with myself. My heart aches so bad. I can barely breathe sometimes. And all I can think about is her. I had to remove her contact info from my phone, unfriend her on FB and that about killed me right there. I didn’t know what else to do. The hurt is so real and so raw.

I’ll deal with the rest at some point in the future.

~MB