Deep Thoughts and a Look Back on 2019

 

“No one is ever promised and easy path through this snake infested swamp…and then it’s suddenly our turn to cross that black water, or become lost in the past, perpetually locked in suspended states of illusion. Just where are you going? What’s the purpose of your journey? Do you know? Or have an idea? sigh ah, and there it is…the never-ending stream of unanswerable, internal, silently screaming questions bombarding our brains, commandeering our thoughts; demanding answers — for which we have none…yet.” {asl 2019}

If I died alone, never meeting the one for me, so be it, that’s what was meant to be. But I found the one for me, my soulmate. She is my partner, and my best friend. The mere thought of not being able to talk to her again, discuss science, argue about politics, talk of the obvious existence of extraterrestrials, the chance to make each other laugh…. these things fill me with a dread and sadness I can’t put into words.

It really all comes down to this though: tell your loved ones you love them. Don’t let things end on bad notes. Don’t go to bed angry. Take the blame during a fight even if you’re right, because life is so much more fleeting than you realize. Do nice things for people, express your appreciation. Be romantic, be kind, be optimistic. Do not allow fear and anger to rob you of your happiness ever. Be bold. Take chances. Love hard. Do not let go easily, be resilient. And always, always say ‘I love you’ upon parting.

2019 was an upside down year; one of those years where you learn the hard way to roll with the punches of life events and try not to let that bad taste in your mouth linger for too long as it will slowly poison you from the inside out. It’s one of the years that presented me with a HUGE learning event and some MUCH needed wisdom and guidance around life and living with purpose – not just sliding by from day to day. While that method seems to somehow make sense at times, it’s not really any way to live every day. We each need purpose and we each have desires. Those must be fulfilled or we end up just empty and floating aimlessly in the sea of darkness, alone, afraid and feeling quite useless. Nothing makes sense. No one makes sense. It leads us often to the quesiton “what is the point?” — never a good question to be asking oneself.

I haven’t been myself for a couple of months now. I was losing ground. Feeling stupid and not taking care of myself as I should have been doing. I had let myself become heavily invested in someone who came into my life 2 years ago; someone I believe is a real soulmatch for me. What I did wrong, in hindsight, is I allowed myself to let down my walls far too soon, and far to low.I lost touch with that one major Butch rule: “Never let your life be control or guided by pussy – anyone’s pussy – ever.” Until the day one of my Butch brothers slapped me on the back hard and said those words right into my face from about 10″ away, adding “Get a grip, man. Get a grip!” He was right on the money too. I had given over too much while not taking what I needed in return. I was over-confident that she loved me as I loved her. I let my guard down because of that and I am paying dearly still. Perhaps for a long, long time to come. Guess that’s to be determined.

I’ve been rolling these thoughts over and over in my head for weeks on end now. Trying to make sense of which way to go now. How to I reclaim my power? How do I find my worth once again? Who the hell AM I now??? I am not even sure of that anymore. This really took a LOT out of me. I never, ever saw it coming. Completely blindsided by someone I trusted more than anyone I had ever trusted in my life before. THAT fucking HURT the hardest.

I know that I have to continue to work through this myself. I know that I can and will do it; I’ll be damned if I let this keep me down or change my positiive attitude. I don’t want to live with doubt and fear. Nor do I ever wish to become so involved or over-confident in someone like that ever again without a very specifically laid out contractual agreement of the rules between us. I didn’t move on doing that with this person, because I was taking it “slow” and now I see the very, very big error in that way!

I also see things like making sure that both people have a really good idea of thier personal desires for the direction of the relationship – before becoming overly invested or even tossing out the “L” word. Relationships are great support for anyone, if they are healthy and equally tended to by both parties. One cannot “give” more than the other in the emotional department especially. Both must be willing to be equally vulnerable and thus trusting.

Don’t you just wish like a motherfucker that we KNEW all of these little tidbits of relationship tips before we stumbled into someone we wanted to love with all we’ve got inside? Wouldn’t that just make love so much easier? Ah, but the unknown of ‘love’ is part of the mysteriousness that makes it so damned attractive and alluring. The discovery process is so intoxicating that in our drunken love state we often lose sight of reality and throw caution to the wolves. It’s almost comical -but really NOT – how foolish we get over lust and love as well as how often we confuse the two states completely.

I can still shut my eyes, lay my head back on the pillow and see every curve, every hair, every mark on her body in my mind. I knew that body very well. And I showered that body and mind with love beyond anything I had given to anyone before. That’s pretty fucking deep to even say, but it’s fucking right as rain. Yes, I have lots of photos I could refer to, but I have boxed them all up and stored them away, out of sight to try to keep the visions of a minimum. It hurts to look at her photo and those eyes…those gorgeous eyes. With my eyes still shut I can inhale and still find her smell lingering in the recessed depths of my brain. I still feel her laying next to me, finger tips tracing across my chest, my jawbone, sweeping into my short hair as she leans in to kiss me passionately. Yes, I have all of those so very real memories driving me insane nightly. I wish so hard to be swallowed up by those thoughts and memories and be forever lost in space with only her as my company; my sustenance, my survival until that final heartbeat goes still and I can forget. That is the only thing that will make me forget. The only thing.

Everyone has their own reality in this life. No two are the same. Most aren’t even similar. Often our immediate life circumstance is the basis for most of our reality based choices and decisions. For example, my life as an older, single Butch with no children or major responsibilities at this point in my life is vastly different from my recent girl’s circumstances with having a special needs child that needs 24/7 care, a husband who is there in the picture daily to support the two, and a professional life she tries to manage around it all, and what I thought was a desire for a lesbian partnership too.

Once, in the not-so-distant past, I thought that these two different realities would mesh together and be very good for all involved. I thought, and was willing to, I could provide much physical and emotional support to her and to him as well with the kiddo. Because I love her so deeply – and grew to adore and love the child as well – I believed that I would be good for them all; be a good fit and be a very loving partner in the sphere of things. I personally still actually still believe this could be true. I had reached a point where I am fully willing to change my physical situation in life to be close to her and continue the relationship into whatever the next phase would be. We were close to making something close to that happen when the world fell apart for us. So close.

It’s no longer of any use to rehash the events that lead to the demise of our relationship. I don’t even care about those things anymore. It’s useless to keep even thinking about them, so I have basically forgotten about 90% of it now. I wish it had never happened, but it did and I didn’t know what to do, how to handle it, or which way to turn to figure it out. I found myself standing very alone on the precipice of darkness, without the anchor which had held me happily steady for almost 2 years. It was the saddest day of my life to date. Hands down, saddest. I felt true loss and had no one who understood or to lean on in that time. That’s when I truly learned how fucking strong I am inside. I weathered the most serious storm of my personal life by myself, unassisted and did it with the most dignity I could muster. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but I never claimed perfection…but I’ve weathered all of it as good as I could.

Our lives happen in chapters. This is close to the end of chapter 5 for me. Generally I’ve experienced the chapters to coincide closely with decades and milstone marks. Childhood, teen years, 20’s (insanity), 30’s settling, 40’s realizing what I was missing something big, and the 50’s trying to find that more stable, decent life I desire, more purpose and a partner I can count on to be at my side. Maybe these chapters are similar for many of us. I know through conversations that I share much with many of my Butch counterparts. And sometimes we even have to refer back to a previous chapter, a specific page perhaps, to help us through the current chapter a bit easier. There’s no set “road-map” of this lifestyle, just a gut feeling and some pretty honestly ethical ways and rules to things. I dislike hard rules, but there are about 5 Butch rules that I find I have to be guided by always or I get off track and all fucked up! Ha!

Insanity is the ritual of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This is the most true of statements ever spoken. Yet, we all do it. We all try to get what we want in the ways that we are comfortable and used to using…even if it doesn’t work this time, maybe it will next time…where that fucked up thinking comes from is beyond my comprehension.

Ok, enough deep thought for today/tonight. It’s been a pretty good last-Saturday in 2019. IT was a super sunny, warm (50 degrees F!), gorgeous day to be alive. I got tons done, preparing myself and my home for 2020’s arrival on Wednesday.

2019 will definitely be a memorable year- if not for the right reasons, then for some of the more bleak or perhaps less attractive ones. Hey, nothing is guaranteed or promised – ever. Not in life, loving or living on this planet in this time dimension. WE ALL struggle to roll out of bed every morning and do it all over again. Some days we literally stop and ask ourselves, “Why?”, and some days we just pretend we are enjoying it as we slurp down coffee and race off to the office or work site for the day. Whatever we have to do to make it work; to keep us going in a somewhat forwardish direction, and to try to live our best lives, as our most authentic selves, we just do it. Over and over. Lather, rinse, repeat. Whether we are happy or not…THAT is literally up to each one of us personally to determine and make it so — or not. Choices.

Peace. ~ MB

My Brain on Over-drive

November 2019

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Fuck. It kind of crept up on me this year as I wasn’t really paying attention. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, yet it will be somewhat good to spend a bit of time with my biological family. They all mean well and I do love them dearly – most of them. I only hope that the blue / red division won’t come into play. I hope no one is out to trigger anyone else with political bullshit. I hope it’s peaceful, loving and fun. No drama. And I hope that for ALL of YOU out there in the world!

This is so true of my feelings for sure! MB

I woke up this morning feeling a little out of sorts, confused and anxious. I don’t see my doctor until a couple of days before my birthday in January. I think I need a med adjustment, or change, something just isn’t working any longer. I’ve been doing some research and I think that I will wean off of the Wellbutrin and increase the Cymbalta dosage. I did pretty good on the higher dose of that previously, without any other anti-depressant added. I want to go back to a single anti-d med. So, yeah, that’s my plan. I hope my new doctor will hear me out and help me make that change.

I believe that in 2020 the injection for HIV suppression will be available to those of us living with this fucked up virus. I am on my doctor’s primary list to be given this injection as soon as it’s available to us. It’s been super successful in trials and is almost there with final approvals by the powers that be. I’ll be happy not to be taking pills every morning to maintain my zero viral load status!

With only 5 weeks left in 2019 I have begun to put together some plans and ideas for 2020, from books I want to read to places I plan to visit. I’ve just begun the process. I’m starting a vision board and I just started a new adventures notebook to memorialize the year. I don’t like to do much for “long-term” planning, so I keep it simple. I don’t plan out exact dates or exact routes, motels, or make any type of itinerary for an adventure. That’s why it’s an “adventure” and not a planned out visit. My ex-wife used to actually create and print out an itinerary for every trip we took together – and there were many! It drove me crazy, but I smiled and went along with it generally. One trip we took I actually threw the itinerary out the car window in the middle of the mountains in Arizona…she wasn’t pleased, but she already had it memorized anyway. That trip was awesome as fuck and I have tons of great memories from those 10 days.

A few of my ideas/plans thus far are:

  • Four road trips, one during each season of 2020 to be planned around the weather and conditions at the time and in the places I’ll be cruising. Some are going to be Minnesota, Utah, Florida & Texas. Plus a trip across Maine on Old Canada Road, Rte 201.
  • Two long hikes. This I’ve already started gearing up for. I need to be in better physical condition and healthy as I can be when I embark on these adventures. One will be part of the Appalacian Trail, which I have done portions of in the past and loved it. Both are planned to be 3 day adventures.
  • One adventure to Canada. I think I will enter at Niagra Falls (for convenience) and head to Toronto. I have a couple of LGBT friends near Toronto who I would love to see in 2020.
  • Museum of Natural History in NYC, I’ll also go to Ellis Island and visit Ground Zero.

I just had a shitload of work done on my car – not fun – so I know it’s in top shape for long runs. I’ve set up a special account for saving funds for these things, which is going well thus far. The car repairs set it back a bunch, but it had to be done. The car is overall in good shape albeit high mileage at 204K but the mechanic looked it all over thoroughly and he says she’s fine for long distance cruising. Unfortunately, one cannot avoid those kinds of things that seem to happen when you can least afford it – car, furnace or other big expense home stuff. I usually manage somehow, this time was a bitch but I pulled the fucking rabbit out of the hat once again. Thanks to side hustles and Yankee ingenuity.

Nola and Lulu have been great. Lu is silly as usual and going through one of her twice yearly sheds right now. She looks like a pretty ugly long-haired Chihuahua right now. I give her hair and skin supplements and it should grow back in very nicely – it did last time! But in the meantime she’s looking awkward to say it mildly! Nola is just Nola. Stodgy old gal she is. I got this awesome photo of them which I am having framed once the print arrives. Going to do an “assembly” buy at Micheals, it’s way less expensive than just ordering it to be framed. My sister the photographer clued me in on this method. So, I get the frame, matt and photo then take it all to the framing counter and ask for them to assemble it. They do it beautifully I am told, with a nice backing and including hanging hardware and it’s half the price. Here’s the picture…it’s my favorite shot ever taken of them together. Nelson Linscott, very kindly, digitally enhanced it for me.


October 2019

Gummy production has been going spectacular. I couldn’t be happier about that little endeavor of mine. My awesome recipe is all the rave with my customers. They like it way better than last summer’s first round try – which came out awesome and was a great first round learning experience. Someone else actually did the cooking last time though, and this time I did it myself with the new method and recipe. I educated myself in depth about how to make them commercial grade, less sticky, and the right milligram desired. And this batch, instead of translucent, is solid colored and much softer, more flavorful. And they are not sticky. I also learned not to keep them refrigerated, it’s not necessary unless you use real fruit juice, in which case they will mold. Keeping them sealed and in a place that’s just room temperature is fine. This batch here is lime. I am set up to manufacture both orange and cherry flavors this weekend, with another supply of product grown myself.

It’s been a hard fall losing friends unfortunately. On this last Monday my old friend Tractor Bob, who had been sick for years battling cancers, died peacefully at home. I used to call him a “hosta” because nothing seemed to phase him or kill him off – and he went through some pretty traumatic crap during the last years of his life, but he kept on getting back up and fighting. I’m going to miss him, but I am relieved that his pain is gone and he’s at peace.

I also lost another couple of old friends / acquaintances to drug overdoses, which I see as so uselessly tragic. I’m so glad that I got out of that whole scene a few years back now and I have no inclination to return to that crap ever. I’ve made it through some very difficult things without reaching for dope to deal with it, so I ‘m pretty proud of the strength I have in me now. It’s also thanks to some very good friends and my mom’s support and encouragement that I’ve stayed clean, that’s a fact that is not lost on me. I lost my best friend even to that crap. I had to 86 her from my life on July 3rd and while I hope she’s doing okay wherever she is now, I just can’t be around people who use like that anymore. Too bad, 2019 was a year of some pretty painful losses for me, but I survived and I’ve learned. It’s all about the lessons I suppose. (That’s bullshit).

I have to go get myself looking decent now for a pre-game get together tonight. Often a few of us get together the night before Thanksgiving. Although my brain wants to just stay home and write more tonight, I need to go and be social. I’ve been hiding from people far too much lately and I realize it, so I need to fix that right away. At least I’m not reconnecting with toxic people – aka my ex-bestie – which is always a risk when a person in recovery gets lonely. I’m not THAT fucking lonely! hahaha. I get out a lot, just not to hang out with anyone in particular. Generally it’s to the beach or Vaughn Woods to hike with my dogs, or to town to do errands, but that doesn’t count as “socializing” I am told! So, off i go! Hope you all have an enjoyable T-giving eve! Take it easy on the wine and spirits, and have a great time! Hugs to all.

Gobble. ~ MB

Don’t Wait While Life Melts Away

I have insomnia tonight! It always seems like so much to do around here and it’s getting colder by the day. This is the weekend I chose to put everything away, redo some areas, move things around, sort, discard and donate stuff. I was listening to Maine Public Radio (MPR) playing their musical album of the week, it was really good too, and while listening I did some meditation then started doing some research and updating online.

Then I stumbled upon this VERY GOOD video – I even watched it twice, or rather listened mainly. “Change Your Closet, Change Your Life”– Gillian Dunn, TedXWhiteRocky.

I think this one really helped me because I am currently really cleaning my closets out and rearranging storage in my home. Doing this has a cathartic affect on me; change things and purge the junk. I want to get all of these little cumulative tasks and repairs finished before the deep cold weather sets in. Being all alone, it takes a ton of energy and planning, yet I really actually get into it and like the accomplishment feeling when I am finished and can stand back and say, “There. That’s better.”

It also reminds me that waiting for things to happen before you do something, like waiting for a special occasion to wear a certain piece of clothing, you got to think to yourself “What if ‘someday when____ never happens?” Then you’ve lost the joy for nothing while needlessly depriving yourself the pleasure and happiness you should have had while it was there? No, choose your happiness NOW, live NOW, because in that emergency moment in life the important things become very clear in your mind, you won’t remember what you were waiting for.

Yeah, as stuck as I am at this moment with some things in my life, I do know what is important to me and if I were only rich I could do what I really want to do right now, so I am just trying to be patient with life while doing the best things I can do with what I have and keeping myself. I don’t want to let the candle melt…dammit. Life is happening right now, TODAY. Go get it. Wear the stilettos, the good boots, the dress, the new suit, and treat yourself good. Make yourself happy with what makes you happy. Small actions can lead to big things, it’s up to each of us to make it a life we enjoy for ourselves.

I hope you all enjoy this video. I know it’s a little long, but it’s worth it believe me! Hell, I even saved it in my video folders on my channel, so I can remind myself that we can change our lives to be better for us and for the world around us.

I’m off to sleepyville I hope. Damn, I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in I can’t tell you how long. I tend to sleep 2 hour increments and never before 2am lately. It’s actually extra late – or early depending on how you look at it – it’s 3:47am…yeah, time to crash!!

Peace ~ MB

Understanding

I woke up in a pretty damned good mood this morning. Then I had my weekly therapy appointment at 10am. It went excellent today. I learned quite a few important things.

Firstly, I am very solid in my recovery. As bad as I have been feeling and struggling as of late with personal relationship issues I never once have reached back to my previous habit, slipped or regressed in my recovery. THAT is major. And it’s something I am proud of and that makes me feel much better about what I have to offer the world and other people.

We talked about how any crisis in any relationship usually equals potential growth opportunities for those involved if they want it to. There are revelations and lessons in the ways that each of us responds; lessons for ourselves individually as well as the ideal opportunity to grow together as a couple and add another brick to the foundation.

Also recognizing the reaction of a trauma survivor, often a victim of some form of former abuse by someone close to them – either from childhood or young adulthood – and understanding what triggers the protective withdrawal response the person has is important and must be understood. This is something I definitely recognize.

Also, I can’t be the “rescuer” in any situation. Because of who I am, my experiences and understandings, I am more of the “coach” mentality and less of the rescuer mentality. I like to see people grow and learn and free themselves – not need me to free them, instead maybe just need some compassion, understanding and guidance from me as an outside source to their healing. A support, a coach and someone who can empower someone else, someone they can trust and lean into for support.

It’s not my job to tell anyone how to grow from an experience, I can only offer myself as being there for the person and being willing to help them -and myself – learn from a difficult scenario, possibly to bring each to a better, higher understanding. Some get stuck in the modes of feelings and feel helpless or unable to change anything or get out of the space of that bad feeling on their own. Being a supportive mentor, listener and sort of “coach” is what I can do best, due to who I am.

It’s somewhat natural for me to want to “fix” everything for someone I love sometimes. Especially if she is a real giver, doer and puts herself out there often for others. When she’s not feeling appreciated for all she does she tends to withdraw or abandon things because maybe she feels unworthy or abandoned herself because no one was there to help when she needed it. See, I can’t “rescue” her from those internalized emotional responses and feelings. I can only help her acknowledge them, try to work through them and be there for her; letting her know I am there and want to help her. It’s then up to her, in her own time and mind, to accept me – or not – back into her life. Either way, I have to respect her decisions.

We all have to learn to create new, healthier ways of dealing with trauma triggers – which many of us subconsciously hold. I know I have mine for sure, but I try to stay aware of their destructiveness. Continuing the often self-destructive emotional ride of punishment can lead to other issues in other areas of life, depression, suicidal tendencies, eating disorders, and other unhealthy self-abuse. That is why we want to use the crisis as an opportunity to grow and learn.

I managed to continue with my own self-care and commitment to my recovery despite the stressful and somewhat personally traumatic circumstances of the last few weeks. That’s pretty damned good. My old ways of dealing with these things no longer serve me. My new ways are far more healthy and give me the strength and commitment to deal better with difficult situations that may come up in my future. That was the way I used to deal with my own trauma experiences and I changed it, so yes, this is good!

So, that’s some of what we discussed in my session today. It was perhaps the best one I have had in a few months. My therapist said I had to get to a place mentally where I could “see” these things more clearly and understand them. She was very encouraging and I felt great leaving her office. And I’ve actually come to look forward to my weekly sessions now as well, they’re definitely good for me and making me a better person.

Thought I would write this down while it was fresh in my mind. I have more reading to do and things to think about. Life is flying by fast! I need to make sure I don’t use my time to think about things the wrong way. I need to do things as right as I am able! I have to live my best life and be happy with who I am.

Peace! ~~ MB

OFOS Butch-femme Dynamic

Some I agree with and some I don’t, but is extremely well written and a great piece all around! I enjoy all of this particular bloggers work she has her thumb right on the pulse of the butch femme world.

Loved this blog!!! https://persistentlyfem.wordpress.com/2017/07/04/old-fashioned-old-school/.

Honest Blogging…what’s my take?

Fandango once again has piqued my interest with a post of his. It’s about how honest one is in their blog posts. The question is posed as follows:

How honest are you to your blog and as such, to your readership? Do you think you can be too honest, too open?

I feel like I have been very truthful and as honest as I can be with my blogs and to my readers. I try to convey what is happening in my life at the moment of the blog and sometimes my blogs are about recurring issues that I deal with; health issues, dog stuff, flirtations and even love. I’ve also written about my experiences with addiction, recovery, relapse and the more negative sides of my life. I’ve never proclaimed to be any sort of saint in my actions or on my life journey. I know I’ve fucked up, back tracked, and had to regroup my brain more than a few times over my 57 years. But life seems to happen in chapters, as I have discussed before, and I am always truthful to the current chapter that I am going through. My opinions and views on things will definitely change, everyone’s do. It’s just part of life and the result of one gaining more knowledge or experience that will change an opinion. Sometimes it’s just something that changes with time.

Currently I am in a really awesome chapter of my life. My 50’s have been some discovery years for sure. A decade of settling in fully to my authentic self and understanding that I am enough and that I DO matter in peoples’ lives. I have a place in this world, a vision and goals. Being brutally honest with my written word is one of those things that I intend to remain true to until the day I stop blogging…at which time I will be being pronounced dead, cuz I plan on blogging to the end.

As part of an older Butch crowd now I have more of a concern for those coming into their own at younger ages. They have to have good, solid role models and examples to learn from. I try to remember that. I may not be the best example of how to be, but I can definitely present some examples of how not to be, and advice on how to avoid perilous situations.

This blog was started back in 2009. Prior to then I blogged mostly on AOL’s former platform. When I quit there I sat and printed out ALL of those old blogs. While those are interesting because they reflect a much younger me as well as a much different me, they are integral to who I am today. It’s interesting to read through some of the really old stuff and try to imagine where my thoughts were at that time and why.

There are some topics in those old, printed blogs and even here on my Butch Perspectives blog that I want to revisit with today’s opinion vs. how I thought when I originally wrote about the topic. I am also going to do this with some of my old video vlogs on Youtube that are so far out-dated that I just have to update them and most likely remove the older stuff. It’s hard to know whether to leave the videos up or not. Right now I am planning to decide one video at a time.

It’s incredible how we continue to grow, learn and change throughout our lives. It’s really a non-stop process of self-preservation. We roll with the punches and adapt depending on what we are faced with or what is happening around us in the world. Attitudes come and go, change and revert. It’s not surprising that so many of us are in medically induced states of mind these days. Anti-depressants are our friends.

So, yes, I feel like I have been authentic and honest in my blogging – at least to the point that I am able to be. Sure, there are things in my head that I will never write about; incidents that are either too painful for me or others to recall in writing, or things that are just best left buried in the back of the darker part of my mind. Again, self-preservation rears it’s head.

Summer time in Texas….August oven!

I am currently in Texas with my girl and having a great time. I love being with her, every minute together we build memories that sustain us when we are apart. She has brought a light into my life that burns bright in my heart, warming my soul. She sparks passion in me that I thought long gone and it feels fucking amazing. I just want to wrap her in my love and protect her from the harshness of the world, but I do not want to ever restrict her from experiencing life in her own ways. Our relationship is very solid from both sides I believe and that is something very unique in my world. Never have I met such a woman like her that is so true to her word and to herself and with me before. I will guard that with everything I have in me.

Texas is hot as fuck. I mean, damn, people here that can function in this kind of super oppressive heat amaze me. We have basically kept outside activity to a minimum, playing in the backyard with the kiddo after dinner when it’s cooler, sitting in the two foot deep kiddie pool laughing and joking around. We’ve gone out sight-seeing and it was basically stopping and taking photos of cool stuff, then jumping right back into the air conditioned car or going into a cool building. Today we went into the Blue Bird Circle Shop in Houston. It is a women’s organization with incredible history of philanthropy and of supporting research and care for Rett patients. And wow, what an incredible shop! It’s all consigned thrift, very high quality and fun stuff. I made a small purchase of a set of special little bunny figures with little dainty butterflies on them, they’re adorable and my Mom collects bunnies, so they’re a gift for her.

Me and the Doc…

My girl’s daughter has Rett, a genetic disorder that affects fine motor skills – speech, hand use, walking, muscle tone and eating. It’s not something easy at all to deal with, but the kid is thriving and is very smart – which makes it doubly frustrating for her and her mother because the child knows what she wants and wants to say, or ask for, but they haven’t quite got the communication down between them. The Bean, which is what we call the little girl, is growing and is now over 4 yrs old and she’s got a LOT to say! You can do a lot of communicating with her by asking yes or no questions and she has developed an eye-contact or head turn to indicate her answer. It’s a start, and it’s not perfect, but I have much hope and optimism that good things are coming down the road – very soon – to help Bean and other little girls like her. There are new treatments being developed every day in the scientific community and we are just waiting for access to them here in the USA.

I love the kid to pieces. She’s got a stellar smile and is really funny sometimes! She loves to laugh and be silly, and when she’s not in agreement with something I say she gives me the most stern “eye-brow” crunch or side-eye look to let me know! It’s kind of cute, and really amazing that she’s so on target with her reactions, so you KNOW she’s understands perfectly what you’re saying!

Bean loves music especially and today I got her a Rocktopus (a FisherPrice toy) that has like 15 instrument capsules that you rotate into it’s various tentacles, I will include a picture so you get the gist of what it looks like. Anyway, Bean LOVES the musical beast. And it helps her improve her hand use and the hand / eye coordination. She just has to think about her movement much harder than what comes so automatically to you or I. She’s doing really well with it though, I’ve seen marked improvement over the last year.

Rocktopus by Fisher Price
2019 Toy of The Year Award

We did a ton of sightseeing in Houston yesterday…I will post those pictures in the next blog…later today, so watch your feeds!!

Peace! ~ MB

Making it Work…My LDR Experience

I’m heavily involved with a woman in a very long-distance relationship. I am madly in love with my woman and i believe the feeling is mutual for her as well. We met about 18 months ago online and hit it off very quickly. Neither of us were looking for any sort of “relationship” like the one that has taken us both by major surprise! I am super happy being with her; being around her and just having her in my life in whatever ways I can manage to make that happen.

She works especially hard at keeping us in tight contact and in visiting me as much as she possibly can manage. She also has an almost 4 yr old daughter who requires major amounts of her time and energy. It’s been really terrific how she has allowed me to fit into her busy life; welcoming me into her heart and her home.

At the beginning of this month I took a flight down to Texas to spend 5 days with her and the little one, in their space and learning about how their lives go and what they like to do.I have to say that it was the most relaxing and awesome 5 days for me. She treats me so incredibly good. I don’t know what good deed I did that brought this major good karma to me in the form of her and her love for me, but whatever it was I hope I keep doing it! I truly do not want this to ever end. Ever.

I could see myself completely in a full-time daily relationship with this woman very, very easily and I believe I would absolutely love every minute of it – like I love every minute I spend with her. The electricity between us in high-voltage for sure. She is definitely my Kryptonite.

The most difficult thing for me is the distance and the communication at times. I miss the things that can only be had in a closer vicinity relationship, like daily kisses, dinner together and discussing our days, sleeping next to the one I love the most in this world and waking up next to her in the morning. These are the things you give up when you agree to a long-distance relationship. What makes them easier for me is that when we ARE together everything is so very important; every moment, every second counts twice as much. I find that I cannot fill my vision with enough of her and her smile, her eyes and those sexy lips so I am often staring at her alot when we are together. I value our time in the presence of one another more than anything. And it’s very hard when we again have to go our separate ways and back to the lives we live daily without each other’s physical presence and touch.

I have said in the past that I wouldn’t do another LDR, but I was swept off my path by the entry of this incredible woman into my life. We started by just innocently talking online, by email and then by messenger. One thing lead to another and we began Skyping – which is a terrific way to get to know someone from a distance in my opinion. I found myself very drawn to her; moreso every time we spoke and every time I saw her beautiful face on my computer screen or her name come up in my messenger on my phone. I got excited to hear from her, even the smallest things I wanted to know about her and wanted to talk to her about. I love that she is super smart and very dedicated to her daughter, her job and her life in Texas. I love that she has somehow found ways to make time to fit me into that picture as well. She means the whole world to me.

I don’t usually connect with women who contact me online looking to date or hook up. It’s a sketchy thing to me. I don’t trust people and I am a miser with my time and energy. When she contacted me I didn’t realize it would result in major feelngs and changes in my life. I didn’t realize it would lead to a deep and growing love and passion beyond expectations, but it did and I am extremely happy that it has worked out this way.

We’ve been doing this long-distance thing now for about 16 months…We have managed to see one another every 6-8 weeks since the beginning. We did just extended that and went almost 3 months without any face-to-face time and it was EVILLY HARD!!! We decided we didn’t like that at all and are going to try to stick closer to the six to eight week schedule that worked better for us. I just hope we can keep it working on that schedule somehow.

I know I give up a lot by choosing long-distance love. Some days I want someone who is right here with me, who wakes up with me and has morning coffee and sleepy chat. It’s harder just being alone all the time. No one to depend on, no one to share with, no one to notice things and no one to understand the days. I’ve contemplated a more poly arrangement, but I don’t believe a substitute in my bed would really workout very well. Plus, finding a woman who would be amendable to that type of arrangement would be a tad more difficult. No, I know who has my heart and who I want in my bed. Enough said.

We each choose to be exactly where we are at this moment simply by doing the things we have done and continue to do. That is our reality.