Harassment, Trump and Babble…

The weekend has been relatively uneventful.  Lots of napping with my dogs, puttering around the house at various chores like laundry and playing on the computer.  I am finding that winter – or cold weather in general – keeps my energy level down and I don’t have much motivation to do anything outside the house.  Although, I did venture out twice over the weekend.

The first trip was on Saturday morning.  I put the dog’s coats on them, packed them into the Envoy and off we went to the church Christmas fair.  I had promised my mom and the church ladies that I would check out their fair, so I did my duty and went.  I actually spent about $10 on a couple of sweet little snowmen (made by my Mom) and a pair of handmade mittens (only $2!) and some peanut butter fudge (couldn’t resist!), so I didn’t do bad.  I also stopped at the Christmas craft fair at the Lion’s club, where I found mostly jewelry being sold.  Nice stuff, but nothing I was really interested in right now.  I picked up some homemade dog cookies though, and the dogs loved them!

Sunday I ventured out after noon time.  Big mistake.  I forgot that today is the Sunday before Thanksgiving and I went to the grocery store.  It was a MAD HOUSE!  The parking lot was FULL, and the store was just INSANE!  I got my coffee K-cups, some cranberry-cinnamon goat cheese (which I LOVE) and some dog treats (can’t forget those!) made it through the crowd to the express lane check out and go the hell out of there!  The dogs, again dressed in their adorable hoodies, were waiting patiently in the truck.  Friday I had taken them to the park (Dead Duck Inn) and let Nola run her guts out while I walked around with Lulu safely leashed.  I wanted to do that again today, but it was VERY windy and cold outside.

I’ve been spending time online lately and I’ve been overwhelmed with all of the various wide-spread sexual harassment stuff.  It’s just been overload, if you ask me.  It’s like the snowball effect, and it’s growing larger by the day.  I have all these mixed up thoughts about it all.  I think that sexual harassment has become so common place in today’s world that we often overlook most of it.  Then when it becomes “THE” issue of the day, and everyone is talking about it, we see all sorts of examples of it and opinions of what we each think.  The conversation has gotten so loud that we are all talking over each other at this point.  Someone needs to write a kind of new citizens’ “code of conduct” so that there’s a baseline for what is and isn’t considered harassment.  We are certainly seeing that stuff that was tolerated in the past is no longer okay today.  There are generational differences, cultural differences and power plays all involved.

Personally, sure I’ve experienced sexual harassment in the past.  As a woman I think it’s just part of what I’ve come to expect from some men.  I’ve also been harassed about being lesbian, being Butch, and being a Democrat.  I have a misdemeanor assault charge on my record for decking a dude that grabbed my ass. I round-housed his ass, knocked him out cold.  But I accidently didn’t see the cop watching….so I got charged, regardless that it was a reaction to having my ass grabbed!

I wish it would all settle down.  We all need to sit back and take a deep breath.  I’m not saying that those who have experienced any sort of thing like sexual harassment should “forget” it or “forgive” it, but I also think that some of the acusations are a bit petty.  Like “he touched my breast when he hugged me”…that’s a little vague, and maybe he didn’t mean it intentionally, maybe it was accidental.  I don’t know what the fuck to think!

I do think that there are certainly varying “degrees” of harassment coming out.  The Roy Moore stuff, where he was exerting his power as an adult in a position of authority to seduce underage girls is NOT acceptable in any way, under any circumstances.  And the acusations about Trump are not to be taken lightly either.  And the fact that Trump support the pedophile Moore, is just sickening.  They would rather have a pedophile in office as Senator than a Democrat.  Pathetic.  And we have to listen to all this bullshit until December 12 when they hold the election in Alabama.

Sexual stuff has long been part of our make up.  We often play or tease one another, and generally it’s all in fun.  I’ve been known to touch a few tits in my time, or grab an ass here and there….in fun and to amusement – – in no way to “harass”  Sure, I’ve told bad jokes, or made angry phone calls.  But when does it amount to harassment?  My answer would be: when it’s done with the intent to make the other person feel uncomfortable, to bend them to your will, to exert your personal power (whatever it may be) over that person to “make” them do something that they do not want to do.

This topic is a really tough one.  I don’t know who has the answers, or what all of this focus on it now will lead us to.  Just be damned sure when you are “flirting” with someone that it’s wanted and not harassment! Jeez, it’s enough to make a Butch a little nervous…like we needed any more reasons!

I haven’t been talking much about Trump in my blogs lately, because he’s in the news 24/7 getting plenty of attention – just like he likes it.  He’s the most embarrassing representation of the United States, and the disdain for him and his administration grows by the day here.

Right now they are trying to ram a huge billionaire’s tax bill through that is going to lead us into the next great depression.  Mark my words.  If it passes in any thing close to the form it’s in now, it will devastate our economy and send us into a depression.  But it will make Trump and his cohorts, his donors, the 1% of Americans who own the 90% of the wealth in this country, even MORE wealthy.  And the rest of us will suffer severely.

Trump is positioning the US for war with N. Korea.  Today he announced severe sanctions to further cripple the economy and food supply of the N. Koreans.

He tried to lift a ban on elephant trophies that Obama had put in place.  We as a country are not allowed to import any part of an endangered species, as a trophy or pet.  But Trump wanted to lift this ban.  Why?  Because it was an Obama law.  And because his sons are “big game hunters” – or pussies if you ask me.  Only cowards hunt endangered species, or farm-locked animals.

Today a $900billion dollar Russian oligarch owned yacht – yes, $900 BILLION – cruised into a slip in a spot about 8 miles from Trump’s Mar a Lago home in Florida.  Trump is due there this week for the holiday.  Coincidence?  I think not.  The Russian oligarch who owns the yacht is said to be Putin’s right hand man.  I’m sure he’s here for a meeting with Trump, or one of his sons, or his son-in-law, Kuchner.  I don’t understand if we have legal sanctions against the Russians (since Aug. 30, 2017) WHY they are NOT being upheld?  WTF is a Russian yacht doing being allowed even NEAR this country???  Treason I say, Treason.  The mere fact that the Trumps hob-nob with Russians is enough to make me want to vomit.  He’s selling out our country lock, stock and barrel.

I go to court tomorrow afternoon to address my violating my bail conditions, the charge from last month.  Hopefully my attorney will keep my ass out of jail.  I’ve done everything I can do to prevent that.  It’s up to the lawyer and the prosecutor at this point.  Wish me luck.

I’m off to bed.  Tell me, what do YOU think about the multitude of sexual harassment claims in the news?  Do you think there should be a “time limit” on accusing someone of these types of things?

Peace.   ~MB

 

 

 

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The Week Begins…

This past weekend was a pretty rough one for me.  I didn’t do much.  I had so much on my mind that I felt paralyzed and couldn’t focus on doing anything constructive.  So I spend much of it watching TV, listening to news, surfing the web and hibernating in my house.  I didn’t see a soul all weekend.  I had planned to spend Saturday with my best friend, but she never showed…she’s been avoiding me.  I suspect that she’s been using again and doesn’t want to hear any shit from me about it.  That’s the only reason she wouldn’t be around like normal.

This morning I got up to go to work, went out to start my truck and it was iced up.  So I started it and got the scraper out of the back and started scraping the windows.  When I reached to open the driver’s door it was LOCKED.  Fuck.  And I had locked the house door behind me when I went out.  So, I was locked out of the house AND the truck – which was running.  I also had forgotten my wallet inside the house.  But, I had my cell phone!  Thankfully.  I ended up calling my friend Linda and she came over.  She has spare keys to my house and truck.  In the end I got to work about 30 minutes late, but it was all good because I had called them to let them know.  Lesson learned.  I went to the hardware store after work and had a couple of spare keys made.  I now have one outside in the lock box on the porch, and an extra in my key cabinet.  I don’t anticipate pulling the same stupid stunt twice, but I’ll be prepared if I do!

I emailed with my attorney today.  She says I won’t be going back to jail on the 21st when I go for my hearing.  That came as a huge relief to me.  She just advised me to keep myself clean and do everything I’m supposed to be doing.  So that’s exactly what I am going to do.  I have to get letters from my boss, my counsellor and my group therapy leader, as well as a letter stating I’ve had all negative urine tests (I am tested weekly), a letter from my doctor and as much documentation as I can rustle up that makes me look good.  I’ll be working on all these things this week.  I go to court for the hearing next Tuesday.

I’m supposed to go to court on the restraining order that I have on that guy I had let stay here.  But I think I am going to drop the request for a longer order.  He hasn’t bothered me at all, and I don’t think that he will.  I think he’s pretty embarrassed about all that happened.   So I’m just going to drop the issue and not put either of us through going to court over it.  If he starts to bother me again I won’t hesitate to call the cops and push the restraining order issue to a full year.

I’ve been setting up my day-runner organizer book for 2018.  Transferring important numbers and information to it.  It’s going to help me stay far more on track with everything.  I also picked up a new 7 pocket expandable file today for 2018’s receipts.  I tend to keep impeccable track of most everything.  That way if I need to refer back to a receipt for any reason I can locate it easily.

I signed up on www.AdoptafamilyUSVI.com to adopt a family in need in the US Virgin Islands or Puerto Rico today.  I will be putting together care packages to send to them every couple of weeks.   I had been looking for a way I could help, and saw this program on the news here tonight.  I checked out the website, and encourage you to do the same!  It’s pretty straight forward, you sign up and they assign you a family.  The family gives you a “wish list” of small items they could use to make life easier for a few days.  Seems like the least I can do to help out and maybe make someone a little more comfortable in those storm ravaged areas.  They’re still mostly without power and drinkable water in both the US Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico.

Sad that our Fucking Moron “president” just ignores them and is so busy sucking up to Putin and Duterte, killing trade for the US and sucking money out of us citizens.  I haven’t written much about him lately, but believe me I am watching his every move and can’t wait for him to be taken out.  I believe Mueller will get him and his pack eventually.

The weather here in southern Maine has finally turned cold.  It’s going down below 30 degrees tonight.  I’ve had the heat on now for about a week and a half.  I like it pretty chilly anyway, so I only set my thermostat at 65-68 during the day and drop it down to 62 at night.  I like to sleep in the cool air with heavy blankets.  The weight of the blankets seems to calm my anxiety and helps me fall asleep.  Also I’ve added 10mg of melatonin to my night time ritual as well.  That does seem to help.  Sleep is always a bit illusive, no matter what I do.  I’m pretty used to functioning well on about 4-5 hours of total sleep.

So, anyway, it’s been a rather rough few days, but I am in a pretty good mood tonight.  I know things will get better; I’m going to MAKE them better.  I’ve got the right attitude and am really focusing on improving myself personally and living better.  I might have my down days, but overall I’m actually doing really well.  I do think that being consistent on my medications has helped with that too.

Hope you are all doing well.  Peace.  ~MB

Court Dates…Thoughts

2017-11-09 21.45.37I got home from an 8 hour shift at work this afternoon to be greeted by 3 – THREE ! – fat envelopes in my mail from my attorney.  Fuck.

One was the discovery from my last run in and lock up incident in Portland.  The second…was about a hearing on a motion to terminate deferral and impose sentence because of my being arrested was in violation of my bail conditions, or conditions of release (VCR).  Fuck.

I’m scared of course.  I don’t like the idea of going to jail.  I fully understand that I violated the conditions of my release from the charge from 2016, and by doing so I put myself in this position – where they can choose to impose my 1 year jail sentence and lock my ass up.  I am not sure if they will actually try to send me up for the full year, or if they will want me to do a 7 day “hold” – of which I have already done 3 days – or what will happen.  I have a terrific attorney, who is especially skilled in drug charge cases, and I am going to give her a call tomorrow and see what she thinks she can get them to agree to.

I’ve been going to Groups now – which qualifies as treatment as required by the conditions of release – since last March.  Prior to that I did individual therapy and got myself clean, kicking the habit back in October 2016.  I have been having regular urinalysis tests done every week, which prove that I am clean.  So, I have to gather documentation of those things, plus a letter from my employer, as well as from a couple of other people like my HIV case worker and probably someone else who knows me personally that will write me a letter of support.  I am hoping that by showing those things to the judge; showing him/her that I have been clean and sober and am doing what I am supposed to be doing that I can get a favorable decision to let me continue being out on bail conditions.

Then there’s the new charge.  Fuck.  I am so angry with myself for ever getting it; for ever even thinking that I could get high just once and it would be alright.  Those thoughts and my acting on them are what put me in this very dangerous position now.  I am really not sure what the punishment will be, seeing that this is a second offense 13 months after the 1st offense.  I can only show them what I am doing, and hope that they will give me probation for this charge.  Meaning that I will have to continue treatment (which I intend to do regardless of all of this) and that I will have to report to a probation officer on a regular basis.

None of this is fun.  I regret my mistake very much.  And I am aware of the “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time” aspect of this.  Of course I do not want to go to jail, but I do know that there is a chance that that is what will happen.  I most likely wouldn’t do a whole year, but I could do 9 months with good behavior.  That would seriously suck.  It would literally ruin my life at this point.  I would lose everything I have worked so fucking hard to put into my life.  I would probably lose my home, my job, my vehicle, the trust of my family, friends, and more.  I would be separated from my dogs.  THAT would really, really get to me bad.

I’m not sure what else I can do to show the courts that I am seriously better off not being jailed.  That I am a productive and upstanding citizen who is contributing to my community.  Locking me up would only serve to punish me, cost the taxpayers, and cause losses to the local economy and community.  It would be senseless, but I KNOW it is the law and is a decided possibility.  No matter how good I am, I broke the law – twice.  And now I am in trouble and will have to pay for my fuck ups in some way that will satisfy the state.

I am currently free on $1000. bail.  That may work in my favor.  And I served 3 days; which also will work in my favor, so I can only hope the judge is in a mood to consider my position on the day of my court appearance.  If not, I will be spending Thanksgiving and most likely Christmas, my birthday and 8 months of 2018 in jail.  Fuck.

I feel a bit like a failure, but I am trying not to be overly hard on myself.  I know that recovery is a process, and that relapses do happen sometimes.  Nevertheless, I am very ashamed that I let myself get caught up in this again.  I have learned a pretty valuable lesson, and I won’t ever touch anything illegal again.  Nope, I’m too old for this bullshit and too old to be doing jail time with mostly kids half my age.  Those 3 days I was literally the oldest person in the group that was in there with me.  I don’t want my life to be like that; threatened by jail time and legal issues.  It’s not what I signed up for, and I will do everything in my power to repair this fuck up and move on with a good, clean living kind of life.

My bestie and I haven’t been hanging out much since the “incident”….I think she’s kind of fallen off her wagon and she’s staying away because of it.  That is really the only reason she wouldn’t come around more.  We have talked a bit on the phone, but not as much as usual and there have been days that have gone by with no word from her for a few in a row — very unlike her.  I can’t risk my own sobriety though.  So if she is using again I don’t want to be part of it; see it or be near it, so she’s best to stay away.

Drugs can really fuck up life.  I wish I had never started dabbling in them as a teenager.  My brain wasn’t fully formed and I developed an addictive disorder.  So for the rest of my life I’ll deal with it.  I’ve been dealing with it for what feels like eternity already.  At least I can recognize it and understand that I have a problem.  And I know all the “right” things to do, I just have to stay completely on the defensive and very focused on staying clean.  I can do it; it may not always be fun, but I can do it.

I’ve always been very honest in my blog.  That’s why I am even writing about this hear.  Plus, it’s what is going on in my life right now and since I’ve written a couple of blogs about it previously I felt I should let you, my readers, know how this situation is progressing.

Everything else has been going very good.  I’ve been spending time with my mother, trying to assure her that I am going in the right direction with things.  I’ve been working steadily, 5 days a week now, and going in at the crack ass of dawn every morning.  I still have my weekends to myself, and have been getting alot done around the homestead.  Things are ready for winter, now it’s just got to get cold here – it’s still unreasonably warm temperature wise.

I put 2 new tires on the truck, fixed the shot headlight and got it all ready for the annual state inspection due this month.  I also got the 4 wheel drive fixed (I may have mentioned that previously) and it’s running great.  So it should get me through the winter much better this year.  All I have left to do on it is an alignment, which I have an appointment to get done next Wednesday afternoon – if things go as planned.

I’ve been checking out the thrift shops and cruising around the back roads of Maine and New Hampshire checking out the fall colors and that’s been a lot of fun and very relaxing.  I’ve done it mostly by myself, with my dogs of course, and the solitude of driving around on a beautiful sunny fall day is so quieting to my soul.

So, that’s my life this week folks.  I’m just hanging in there and trying to keep it all together.  I hope you all are doing well.

Peace.  ~MB

2017-11-07 05.30.34

Navigating the Landmines

Yes, I’ve been moving carefully this last week.  Making damned sure that everything I own is legal and I’m not going to get into any type of trouble…like even get stopped for a traffic infraction.  I’m knuckling down hardcore, and I think it’s making my bestie a bit uncomfortable.  I’m serious, I want nothing to do with anything that would put me at risk for going to fucking jail.

Put two new tires on my truck, which obviously has a front end alignment issue cuz it’s eating the insides of the tires.  Scheduled it for an alignment next Wednesday morning.  I changed the headlight that was out myself.  That’s a no-brainer, removed and replaced the low beam bulb and reinstalled the headlight fixture; took me all of 10 minutes. So it’s 100%, will definitely pass this month’s required yearly vehicle safety inspection and now that the 4 wheel drive is also working once again I should do well through the winter with it – which was my goal.  And if I get stopped everything is in order, current registration, insurance card is up to date, and vehicle is inspected.  I am wearing my seatbelt even – it’s actually a law here, but I often don’t wear it around town.  If  I get stopped it will be for speeding – which I am trying NOT to do either!

We had one hell of a Nor’ Easter type storm here early in the week.  I was without power here at the house for a couple of days.  Some peoole in the state, about 70,000 still have no power now, 5 days later, mostly the more rural areas that had worse damage from the 75-80 mph winds.  We got about 3″ of rain, and we are STILL below normal for rainfall!  What a year weather wise, it’s been a truly weird one.  Today is Nov. 3, and it was almost 80 degrees here.  Ridiculous.  Global warming is REAL.

I’m gonna make this short tonight, I need sleep.  I just wanted to check in here and let you all know I made it through the week unscathed!  No major events!  I got things handled, stayed out of trouble, stayed away from bad influences and am on the right road.  The last 2 weeks showed me I was fast headed it the wrong direction temporarily…but I’ve re-negotiated things and I’m doing quite well.

Thanks very much to all of those who made comments and sent me texts and emails.  I do appreciate your support and encouragement!  Love ya all!  …more to come this weekend!!!

Peace!  ~MB

Life Just Got Very Real….

Whew.  I’m finally settled down enough to get a few words out on this blog.  My life has been one fucking crisis after another for the past 2 weeks.  First it was the drunken bum I had to take out the restraining order on last week and all my anxiety and angst over that whole ordeal, then this week I got myself into a heap of trouble with the judicial system.

Yes, I almost had a major relapse.  Addiction is a mother fucker. The opioid crisis is real.

It hits you when you are the most vulnerable.  I let my old coping mechanism take over briefly, I reached for the drug…the worst think I could have done while I was so stressed out over the happenings at home.  But…the law stepped in before I could use it and I found myself in violation of bail conditions and sitting in the county lock-up for 2 1/2 days before someone could raise the $1000 bail and get me out.  I’m totally ashamed of myself, but I think that things sometimes happen to you for a reason, and I think the cosmos designed this one to kick me in the ass and tell me to wake the fuck up and work my program harder!

I had been so busy tending to the ordeal with the drunk and getting my stuff back that I was not going to my group meeting or taking my Suboxone as I should have been doing.  The combination of the stress, anxiety, fear and then the lack of preventative Suboxone, and lack of necessary therapy put me in a place where somehow I thought it would be a nice idea to “escape” for a bit and do a little dope to relax me.  How fucking wrong is that!!?  That is the thinking of a raging addict.  That is the kind of thinking I MUST learn to change and stop listening to.  It’s like that little devil on one shoulder whispering in my ear, “just a little won’t hurt”….I cannot listen to him, he must be silenced!

All of this just days before hitting the 1 year mark of kicking my bad habit.  I swear, I could fuck up a wet dream sometimes.  It’s just not right.

I got to say though that sitting in a cell for 50-odd hours gave me plenty of time to think.  Mostly about why I didn’t want to be in that exact situation that I was in!  I am too damned old to be cuffed and stuffed!  It was a very vivid wake up call.  And now that I am fully AWAKE, I have to walk a VERY tight line or I’ll be using the prison system mail delivery for future blog posts.  That would truly SUCK.

THOUGHTS

I am fiercely happy to be free.  I’m trying now to put everything into perspective and to figure out how to amend this infraction.  The legality of it all is one thing, I have to deal with that over some time, court isn’t until January – actually my dispositional hearing is on my birthday – great huh?  I’ve emailed my attorney about the violation and the new charge (possession) and I’m sure she’ll guide me through the legal process of it all and I have to live by some very strict rules.  I signed a contract with Maine Pre-Trial Supervision.  Basically, I have to live a squeaky clean life or I go back to that hell hole called Cumberland County Jail, losing my freedom and losing ALL that I have worked so damned hard to have in my life.  That would devastate not only me, but my family, my dogs, my best friend and my girl.  So, that is NOT an option.  Squeaky clean I will be!

The personal and emotional angle of this happening is more difficult to “see” but let me tell you, it’s not pretty inside my head right now.  I feel like a bad boi who needs a good beating at the moment.  I knew better than to try what I tried, to try to dabble with the drugs again.  I knew better.  But I let the devil on my shoulder get his way momentarily, and it almost cost me everything.  That’s really scary for me.  Petrifying.  I don’t want to lose everything I have worked so hard for, even though material things can be replaced, it would really suck bad to have to start over again.  I do NOT want to go through that.

I am angry with myself for letting my Mom down.  She’s really helped me in getting clean and staying clean.  She’s believed in me, and supported me.  And I let her down.  I seriously breached her trust, and I know it.  THAT just wrecks me inside.  I cried more about that aspect of this stupid mistake than about anything else while I was in that concrete cell.  All I could think of was how my Mom was going to take this news.  I never want to hurt her, and I swore I wouldn’t do it again.  Then this happens.  So, I feel like a total failure with her.  That’s the most important thing for me to repair out of all of this mess.  I don’t want her to think that I’ve been lying to her and been using, because I haven’t!  I’ve been very good this past year.  I thought I had put this shit behind me, but then I let my guard down and addiction reared it’s ugly head.  I hate what this stupid disease does to those we love.

“We are all just one shot away from a hot shot”….someone said that to me tonight on the phone.  He and I were talking about what happened, and he reminded me that things happen for reasons, and perhaps the reason for this was that I was about to take that “hot shot” and this happening stopped me in my tracks.  Maybe this saved my life.

I am thankful to be alive.  I’m glad I didn’t get to do the dope and that I got caught – at least in a way I am glad.  Had I taken it and died it would have devastated my Mother and my family in ways I don’t even want to imagine.  So, this is perhaps, a blessing in disguise.

GOING FORWARD

I may have signed a pre-trial contract with the state that says I won’t use, but the one that I have signed with myself now is even more important.  I don’t want this stuff to be part of my life now, or ever again.

I am going to attend ALL of my group meetings and stay rigidly on my medication.  I won’t dick around and alter the doses or miss meetings anymore.  Staying clean has got to be my #1 priority – above ALL else.

I am going to keep myself busy and focused on recovery and abstinence.  I’ve added work hours to my week, changed up my schedule so that I am obligated to work every morning during the week.  This will help keep me focused and give me a little more purpose.  Plus I will need the money to cover the bail that was posted and pay the fines and fees I have due.

I am going to add to my treatment program by going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings in my local area.  As long as those meetings are safe…I do hear that a lot of dealing goes on behind the scenes of them, and I won’t let myself be put in a position where I am in danger of slipping again.  So, I’ll check out a couple of different meetings and pick one I can fit into my schedule that is safe for me to attend.

I will also see my personal counsellor on a more frequent basis, weekly instead of bi-weekly.  I think this is important.  To be in a space where I can work on myself; that will keep me on track and going down the best path possible.

There’s lots of other little things I will be doing or changing to keep myself from any temptation or from putting myself in a position that would hurt me.  I’ll do everything I can possibly do to make this work once and for all time.

CONCLUSION

In conclusion, I fucked up big time.  I now have to own it and rectify the situation.

I’m not dead.  I have been given another chance.  I’m going to really make this one count.

I have to believe in myself.  I am bigger than this, and I won’t let it take me backwards.

I am going to make this right once and for all.  I will NOT use or go near anyone who is using.  I will stay clean and sober, no matter what; no matter how stressed out or what happens, I can handle it without clouding my judgement with drugs.  I know I can.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  A great family, an awesome best friend, friends that love me, 2 loving little dogs, my home and my job.  I won’t put any one of those things at risk!

I won’t beat myself up over this, I just have to work to keep things good and right.  We all have our demons, this is mine.  And I just have to make peace with the demon and continue to live a good, clean life.  I will work to figure out why I do this, and I will work to build my “tool box” with the tools I need to use to fight it daily.  I can do it.

Thanks for reading.  I wrote this mostly to just get it out of my head and onto a platform where I can look back at it everyday and remind myself of my commitment.  Sharing this with the world will perhaps help to keep someone else from making a similar mistake.  Sharing our stories is important, and we all have one.  This is mine.

Peace.   ~MB

 

Ten Months…

Today I had my Groups: Recover Together meeting.  It’s basically weekly group therapy for opioid addicts trying to get clean, and in recovery.  I have been going to Groups now for over 6 months, and today got my 6 month token.  Its’ just a little pocket coin to fiddle with and remind yourself that you are in recovery and yes, you can do this!

2017-09-13 19.46.10I’m pretty proud that I have managed to kick my opioid addiction and stay clean for almost 10 months now.  Oct. 28th will be my 1 year anniversary.  It hasn’t been easy, I’ve had some really tough days and brutal nights.  I am currently in the Suboxone program. Suboxone is a drug used to curb the cravings and block the effect of opioids.  Basically, as long as I take my daily sublingual strips, which are paper strip that I put under my tongue and let dissolve for 7 minutes without swallowing — yeah, TRY to go 7 whole minutes without swallowing, it’s a real trick!  Anyway, as long as I take those I don’t have the hellish cravings for the drug, and even if I did do any dope it would be “blocked” by the Naloxone in the Suboxone strip.  Rendering doing it absolutely useless…I wouldn’t get high, so why bother?  It’s a phychological thing as well as a physical thing I believe.

Going to the weekly group meeting, where I am in a room with 8-10 other addicts all in the same boat, and all doing the same basic thing – trying to eliminate addiction from their lives.  We have developed a pretty tightly knit group at this point.  We’ve come to hold one another’s feet to the fire.  When you arrive at the office for the meeting you have to take a piss test, and they test it on the spot for any drugs.  It’s a 6 way test.  As long as you don’t test for any drugs except for the Suboxone (buprenorphine) you are good to go.  You go into the group meeting and when you are finished you pick up your weekly prescription from the coordinator on the way out.  You can test positive for marijuana also, it’s legal here so they don’t dock you for having it in your system.  Plus, many of us use it for pain relief, which is why many of us started using the opioid drugs to begin with.  Marijuana isn’t considered to be a problem in this program, and I don’t believe it’s a problem drug if used smartly.  If you test positive for any other drug you are pulled aside and have to meet with the counsellor before you can pick up your script.  You have to explain why you are positive and generally they will give you a break and a chance to continue.  If you habitually test positive, or have a “dirty” or “hot” result you can be tossed out of the program.  And no one wants that!  Going to these meetings in order to get your prescription, being tested weekly, and bein accountable has become pretty damned important to me.  I need the Subs, so I follow the program and it’s kept me on track very well.

The opioid crisis is a nationwide crisis affecting all communities regardless of age, race, gender, religion, social status, or wealth.  It doesn’t discriminate.  I know many very prominent people in my community that hide secret addictions to these powerful drugs such as Percocet, oxycodone, Vicodin, Heroin and Fentanyl.  Once the drug gets you hooked you are in a fight for your life.  Too many times I have seen that fight end in death.  I didn’t want to be another one of those statistics.  Maine has an unusually high number of addicts, and a very high over-dose rate.  It’s a rural state, and for some reason has become a very big state for the trafficking of these potent drugs.

Tonight on ABC television here in the US there is a show that’s going to be on that’s called “State of Addiction” which will talk all about the epidemic we are facing here.  I plan to watch it and have encouraged my family and loved ones to do the same.  I can tell them things, but I think that hearing them from people who combat this every day will be even better for them to understand.  I am very lucky to have a very good support network of family, friends and a very supportive and loving girlfriend.  Without them I don’t think I would have made it back to sobriety….I thank every single one of them, and especially my dear Mother who I put through hell and back with worry and angst.  I’m sorry for all of it, but an addict doesn’t see those things or the way they are affecting people around them when they are actively using.  It’s not til one gets clean that we can look back and realize the damage we have done, and just hope and try to fix it somehow.

Peace.  ~MB

 

And I don’t wanna miss a thing…

It’s a nice cool 61 degree morning here on the coast of Maine, albeit a rather overcast day.  The clouds gathering above me in the sky are heavy and full of rain – which will surely soon be pouring down upon my thirsty gardens and lawn spaces, thankfully.

I am up. I got up at 4:30am after a few short hours of sleep.  I’ve been having the most insane dreams lately.  I’m not sure if it’s med related, stress related or just that I am fucking weird.  Again last night I dreamed of being in the Army once again, and this time being deployed to control riots surrounding the Charlottesville white supremacist rally.  Yes, my dreams are overlapping into what is happening in real life here in America.  If I were able I would re-join the Army in a heart beat, but I’m aged out at 55.  Even so, I still dream of being in uniform again every now and then.  I often lament that I should have stayed my ass in the military until retirement.  But back in the mid-80’s when I finished my tour of duty the climate around being lesbian and in the Army was not good.  They were still in the midst of having monthly “witch hunts” and “round ups” of gays and lesbians to throw out of the service just for being who they were.  I narrowly avoided a couple of those round ups because I did not use my real name back then.  Off-post I had an entirely different identity; living stealth in order to maintain my position with the Army.  I did not want to have to explain a discharge that was other than honorable to my father – a man I feared and respected; a man who said I did not have the “balls to join” the Army…yeah, I was busy showing him what a damned good soldier looked like!

…and I digress…

I was saying, it is a fantastic start to my day here.  Life has been changing lately for me, as I mentioned briefly in previously posted blogs here.  I’ve been making changes, still growing and just relaxing more into myself and into life.  I’ve been trying hard to become more aware of myself; of my internalized phobias, and trying to work on those. We all have them, we try to deny it but it’s a fact.  I’ve been trying harder to think about what other people are going through or are concerned with and to be empathetic to those things.  I think it’s making me a better person.  I hope it is.

I have been getting out more the last few weeks.  Doing more by the way of social sort of stuff.  Generally I keep quietly to myself.  But I have realize that this isn’t doing my psyche any damned good.  Thus I have made more of a concerted effort to socialize and get the hell out of the house days.

On the 10th I went out to The Old Ferry Landing in downtown Portsmouth, NH with my whole family for a birthday dinner for my mother.  The Landing is right on the Piscataqua River, in Portsmouth Harbor.  It’s the very spot where the old ferry would land to bring passengers and freight back and forth across the river between Maine and New Hampshire up until the first draw bridge was built in the 1930’s.  So it’s a very historic spot, and when I am there I imagine what it might have been like for my grandmother to ride that ferry to town, which she did back then.  So it’s like walking in the footsteps of my ancestors.

Right next to the landing is the home of the Moran Tugs.  These tug boats are used to guide commercial vessels through the channels of the Piscataqua, one of the fastest current salt water rivers in the world, and through the two draw bridges that span the river.  There is a 3rd bridge, the “high level” we call it, that is high enough to navigate ships beneath, so it is stationary.  Right now the “middle bridge” of the Sarah Mildred Long Bridge, is being replaced.  It’s quite the project building a new draw bridge with all of today’s technology incorporated into it.  The project is the talk of the seacoast at this time.

Here are some good pictures of me, my family, the restaurant and the tugs.  Taken with my new Moto phone’s camera.

And while I was in the city (Portsmouth) I happened by a little shop that is owned by a dear old friend of mine. She is actually the woman who worked at the clinic where I tested positive for HIV back in 1992.  She is the one who had to break the news to my bewildered ass.  And I was the first woman she had ever had to tell they were positive.  So we have a sort of bond because of this happening to us back then.  We have always stayed in touch on the fringes, seeing each other at various outings, like Pride, Women’s March, and others.  Well, she dragged me into her little shop, which is for femmes let me tell ya, it’s full of jewelry, scarves, and hats…oh the hats…seems they were having a little “hat party” at the moment that I happened by on my way to the Ferry Landing.  Once inside they took great glory in having a Butch in their midst.  I got flirted with and poked fun of and then THIS happened: Ang Hat Pic

Yep, they made me try on one of the foofy hats…and they sure did get a laugh out of it, as did I.  I graciously allowed them to take this pic…so here it is for prosperity…and you all get a good chuckle out of it too.  🙂

This last Saturday I went up to celebrate my neices’s birthdays – Kyle and Meagan are both 23 this year…oy vey…and they often celebrate together as they are only 4 days apart in age.  Yes, 1994 was a very busy year for my family! lol.  It was the year I became an Auntie.  Auntie Butch…go figure. One of the proudest times of my life.  Here are some pics from the pool party we had Saturday.

Yes, it was complete with fresh off the boat Maine lobsters!  And they sure were great.  They are hard shell right now and full of good meat.  I had a fun time sending pics of them to my girlfriend and freaking her out…she’s never had a lobster.  Soon…very soon.

Yes, you read that right.  Girlfriend.  I formally asked her to be my girlfriend.  Hey, it’s the Butch way, you got to be respectful; not assume anything.  If you don’t ask; if you don’t together label what you have then it’s not official.  That’s my code anyway.

I’ve known this woman for close to a decade now…she’s been right in front of me and I just wasn’t ready…and in reality neither was she.  Both of us were on other paths; going through other things of our own and were just aware of each other on the fringes…but come to find out we WERE both aware…

The last 10 years I have been involved in some not so good situations.  I was with one woman on and off for many of those years.  I thought we would be together basically forever, but she met a man and realized she wasn’t who she thought she was.  Did it hurt?  Hell yeah.  But I don’t want anything to do with a woman who may be the least bit straight in any way, shape or form – not even a little bit.  So that ended, and ended very abruptly.  It’s for the best, I was “settling” I now see.  I didn’t have that passionate love for her that I need to have for the forever woman in my life. Then I started to get involved with another woman, but turned out she was so deep in the closet that she was kissin the back wall hard…So, yeah, I had some fuck ups along the way here, but it’s all behind me now.

I backed off dating completely; just gave the fuck up and figured I’d just be happier sticking to myself and not getting involved with anyone, it seemed to always be just too damned complicated.

That worked for a good while…then she somehow got my attention and things turned in a different direction. We got to just casually talking at first, and then it became clear that we had both been stealthily following each other for almost 10 years…interacting on rare occasions, but just enough to stay in touch.  We began daily conversations, got into some pretty deep stuff from both of our lives.  Both being bloggers and being each other’s followers, we knew quite a bit about one another; each had watched the other go through a myriad of struggles over the decade. We filled in those blanks; those things that we didn’t disclose in our blogs, the intimate details…lots of very personal stuff we have shared.  I’m not afraid of her hurting me, I’ve let that wall down and damn, it sure feels great.  To finally have someone who I can trusts with my heart.

Fast forward a little bit and I have really connected with this great woman.  She has stolen my heart…in a very good way.  She makes me smile, laugh, think and want to be all that I can be for her – and for myself.   I keep pinching myself to see if this is real; to see if I am really awake and that this is happening for us.  We’ve gotten really close, sharing our fears, our dreams, and our mutual affection for one another.  I haven’t felt this way in a very long time….like since 2007…and I don’t exactly know where this journey with her will take me, but I am sure going to find out.  I’m not letting go now for anything…anything.  I’ve needed her for so long, and now she’s right in front of me right where she belongs.  In my heart and in my arms.  I don’t wanna miss a minute of this…

More on this to come…I am sure as rain.   Peace.  ~MB