World AIDS Day 2018…My Day of Reflection

Yesterday was December 1st, which is designated as “World AIDS Day”. This year was the 30 year marker for observance of this day. HIV and AIDS have been around long before this day was designated to bring the crisis to front-mind awareness.

I was diagnosed in August of 1993. I had been in a “no-risk” space at that point for approximately 3+ years…so, I was infected in the late 80’s. I actually am one of the rare few who know exactly when and where I was exposed to the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV). It was a one-time share of a needle, which was very out of character for me, but it happened due to the situation at that moment. I don’t know if it’s “good” or “bad” that I actually know my infection route. I guess it’s good in the sense that I never wonder “how” I got the virus. Yet, it’s bad in the sense that it makes me “blame” someone else in some ways, when it actually was entirely my choice to share that night and thus my own fault. I have always worked to take responsibility for my own actions and I made a split second choice that night that was the wrong choice and thus changed my life – or at the very least altered the trajectory. We never know what’s going to be handed to us in our lives, we just never know. 

In the 1990’s I lost quite a few friends in the height of the AIDS epidemic. Prior to knowing my own positive status I was working with local organizations to spread prevention information.  In the summer of 1992 there was a March on Washington (I’m sure that many of you remember) and it was one of the very last times that the AIDS Quilt was displayed in it’s entirety on the Mall in Washington DC. I was there that day; I walked the quilt with my best friend, Nancy. I was moved to tears over and over that day. Each of those panel represented someone’s life. Each panel is 3 ‘x 6’ in size, representing the basic size of a coffin. Every panel was handmade by someone who loved that person or even a group of people would together make a memorial panel. There was something cathartic in the whole scene. 

I vividly remember sitting down on one of the benches on the edge of the Mall with Nancy, taking in the enormity of the display. It covered the whole Washington Mall. Quite the feat of volunteerism to get it displayed with huge amounts of care and dignity shown by all of them. The quilt idea was borne of Cleve Jone’s incredible mind. It’s called The Names Project and is still in operation today. The quilt now travels in smaller displays around the country. I’m not sure how big it would be to be once again displayed in it’s entirety. I highly recommend that you visit the Quilt’s page and take some time to look it all over, reflect, learn and NEVER FORGET. 

The display that day brought my mind very close to beginning to think about getting tested myself. Up to that point I had not sought out testing for myself. I naively figured that since I hadn’t been using illicit injection drugs for over 3 yrs. and I hadn’t been sexually promiscuous with anyone who I thought of at that time as a risk, that I couldn’t possibly have gotten infected. That was pretty standard thinking at that time. We have learned so much since! I recall having a physical reaction as I walked through the miles of panels and I shudder to think that now the Quilt has more than doubled in size. It still gets displayed, in partial displays, around the world.

So, that was the beginning of me thinking about getting tested. Finally in July of 93 I got pneumonia and my then therapist urged me to get tested; just so I would at least know if there was any chance I had been exposed during my drugging days. So, in mid-August I visited the Feminine Health Center. I was paired up with a great counselor, Assiah, who interviewed me in-depth about my history and possible risk factors. Then we drew blood and it was sent out to the lab for testing. The whole process I remember cost me $25. But in my mind I was going to come back negative and those who kept urging me to get tested would shut up. The tests at that time took 2 weeks to process and you had to go back in person to receive your results. On Aug. 31, 1993 I went back for my results.  

I was taken into the private discussion room by Assiah. She quickly closed the door, spun around and said “You’re positive.” then burst into tears. I stood there stunned. I didn’t know what the fuck to do at that point. She was obviously upset at having to tell me this news. Come to find out, as she told me later, she had never had to inform a woman of a positive outcome before, only men. And the fact that I was lesbian and was HIV+ was very unique. Lesbians are known to be in the least-risk group for infection and were usually on the front-lines of care and prevention.

I remember sitting down and putting my head in my hands. I was super confused. I felt like I had literally been gut punched and was gasping for air. There was now an expiration date stamped on my forehead. Fuck. I knew this was not going to be a good experience; nope, not good. I asked for a second test and had more blood drawn for it, but I knew the result would still be the same. I now had to figure all of this out. I had to first tell my family, and I knew that would be the hardest thing. And I had to get educated; to learn how I was going to beat this beast within.

I have lots of side stories of telling various people in my life about my infection and how it related – or not – to them and our relationships. My family all gathered at my home at the time, and I told them all together. They, of course, had lots of questions, were very upset and concerned for me, all while bursting with love and support for me. Thank my lucky stars for this, I don’t know what I would have done had my family shunned me, as happens in so many instances. Things would have definitely turned out very differently had that been my case. I am super grateful that it was not, but I feel deeply for those who do encounter that kind of response – especially from family and close friends.

My life changed on that day. It was a definitively distinct change. I could no longer be as casual as I had previously been about love, life and living. I quit drinking immediately. I also discovered on that same day that I am co-infected with hepatitis C, a common hepatitis for IV drug users to contract. I had been an on again off again kind of alcoholic. If I wasn’t shooting hard drugs I was drinking myself into comas. Yes, some serious self-destructive behavior, I know. I figured I wasn’t going to live long at that point. Back then the average time between diagnosis and death was 3-5 years, sometimes a little longer for women. I just concluded that my future was over; I had no future in my mind at that time. But I was determined to educate myself and those around me so I could live as long as possible, as healthy as possible. 

So much has gone on in my life since that hot August day in 1993. Life has a way of changing continuously. We grow. We learn. We lose. We win. And life just continues to go on. I had been handed a massive challenge and there’s nothing that I like more than a good fight! I put my whole being into becoming as educated and informed as humanly possible. I began living a cleaner, healthier life. I learned to love those who loved me with a renewed fierceness and determination. I stopped being a total asshole and adopted a kinder, gentler way of conducting myself. And I fought. 

Today, I am healthy and doing very well. My journey hasn’t been so smooth sometimes; I’ve struggled with addiction all of my adult life. It rears it’s ugly head occasionally and it’s a battle to the death for me. I’ve had many, many good years; fun years and years full of awesome memories and tons of love. I’ve travelled, farmed, built, raised, and let go of things when the time came. I’ve had a couple of spectacular relationships that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I discovered real love and basked in it like a snake in the sun. I’ve lived a pretty decent life; being lucky enough to have access to great medical care and the cutting edge in medication I remain healthy and happy.

So, yesterday is my annual day to reflect on these years of living with HIV and to remember those friends of mine who didn’t have the good outcome that I’ve been gifted. I remember their faces, their voices, the laughter and the crying; every one of them beautiful and a gift to earth in their own ways. May they be dancing wherever they are. 

Peace ~ MB

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F*cked up America Right Now

Trump diverted $9.8B from FEMA funding (Disaster Relief) to fund more child detention centers…WTF???

We have a HUGE hurricane taking aim at our east coast, Carolina / Virginia area, and he DIVERTS funds????  This man is MORE than a FUCKING MORON, he’s a complete imbecile and someone needs to get him out of that office, take his fucking phone away and break all his pens and pencils.  He should NOT be allowed to communicate with anyone.

AND our federal deficit has ballooned by $832B.  That’s a 32% increase under Trump.  Yeah, this is the idiot that gave his rich buddies a huge tax break so we could go further into debt as a nation.  He actually told Cohn to “print more money” to fund his deficit….yup, he really thinks it works that way.  And you conservative idiots actually elected this moron, with the help of Putin and Russia.

At this moment we have an impending crisis here with this incoming hurricane Florence.  Yet our “leader” is busy touting his own ego, telling us that losing 2,975 people in Puerto Rico was an “unsung success” and not understanding the magnitude of his stupidity.  He’s a toddler.  He has no mechanism for empathy or compassion at all.  Yesterday, the anniversary of 9/11/01, he arrived in Pennsylvania acting like he was at a fucking Trump rally.  No couth.  No respect for the dead or the suffering of the living.

Trump takes no responsibility, as former presidents have done when they were wrong or came up short on something.  He refuses to admit when he is wrong.  He lies constantly, and even his lawyers have worries of him telling lies to Mueller and the American people. It’s disgusting. It’s wrong.  It’s NOT American behavior at all.  This “man” is nothing short of a total buffoon.

Other frightening things to be angry about…

  • Over 12,500 children remain in US custody in detention camps on our southern border.  This is the highest number EVER and is partly due to sponsors and parents being afraid to claim the children now because of their own fears of ICE.  What a vicious thing he has created in our immigration system.
  • The official death toll for Puerto Rico from Hurricane Maria 2017 stands at 2, 975 people.
  • The Vatican and the Catholic Church is finally being called out on all of the massive cases of sexual abuse by clergy on mostly young children and vulnerable adults.  I want to remind everyone that sexual abuse is not a “bad habit” that can be arbitrarily forgiven, it’s a fucking CRIME and should be punished to the fullest extent of the law.  Transparency will be the only healer from this for many people around the world.  The Vatican is hell-bent on hiding this whole thing from public view in fear of further tarnishing the reputation of the church – HA!  I say! HA!!
  • DHS has quietly funneled $200M from various programs and departments, such as FEMA, to fund more child and family detention centers and ICE.  Sick fucks.
  • Flint Michigan is now on day 1601 without clean drinking water.  Our govenment did this to them; poisoned a whole city and KNEW they were doing it.  We MUST find a solution for Flint and bring justice as well.
  • Kolin Kapernick (sp?) is still on his knee…and I am still supportive of his protest.
  • Nike saw a 31% jump in sales after the KK ads ran…despite the burning of shoes.
  • The bumblebee has been designed “endangered”.

Well, that’s it for this angry blog.  I’m still watching Florence churn towards the Carolinas and it should make landfall overnight I believe.  The weather coverage has been really good on this one, I just hope we are as prepared as our officials lead us to believe.  Hard saying,  I just hope everyone has heeded the warnings – or written their name, ssn, and next of kin’s name on their forearms so we can identify the bodies after we sort it all out.  Anyone who is numb enough to challenge mother nature’s wrath in a storm the size of Florence better not be whiny afterwards!

Peace.  ~  MB

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the week starts…

I have a couple of things to talk about here today.  It’s Monday, August 27, 2018 and with just 4 more days of August ahead of us I am beginning to look toward September; the arrival of cooler temperatures to Maine, fall festivals and agricultural fairs, the leaves beginning to turn colors and yes, the annual return to wearing flannel shirts and work boots.  Fall or Autumn is my most favorite time of year.

I noticed yesterday that the lawns and tree leaves were now reflecting that “mature” darker green in their preparation to begin the colorful yearly die-off; getting naked for winter.  It’s around this time of year that I get mums for the fall, to display on my front steps and in the garden.  It’s really the only true annual flowering plant that I do invest in every year.  They’re hardy, kind of impervious to the vast temperature flux of our September and October days, and they last a good long time.  I like the bright yellow, orange, lavender and brick read colors too, they’re different from the brilliant summer blooms of other plants.  So, this weekend I will hit Lowe’s and get probably 12 of them and create my fall display outside.  Oh!  And I have homegrown pumpkins from my garden!  It’s been a banner garden year.

Sen. John McCain’s death

America lost a truly great politician a couple of days ago.  We knew it was coming, and with his refusal of all treatment the day before we understood the time was near.  The next news was his passing at 4:28 pm with his family and close friends at his bedside.  It was a sad point when the newscaster came across with “Breaking News” of his death.  I stopped for a minute, remembered how cantankerous and incorrigible McCain could be, but then also remembered how brave and courageous he was too.  I didn’t always agree with his politics, but I always agreed with his patriotism and with that love of country that the man had in him.  I always respected him from a military point; he was a pilot with the US Navy and was shot down and became a POW.  During his detention he suffered brutally at the hands of the Vietnamese, often beaten and tortured horribly on a daily basis.  THAT is some bad ass shit to live through, and yet he did and spoke of it often.  It was no secret that he had witnessed or experienced directly some pretty fucked up stuff. And yet, his love of country got him through it and gave us a well-rounded man of honor that served his country for 60 years altogether.  Yeah, John, you did good.  Now rest. We got it from here.

I won’t forget how he was staunchly against Trump’s rhetoric and evil policy bullshit.  I won’t forget the photos of him returning, a mess, from Vietnam.  I won’t forget that he is the father of Megan McCain, a lesbian woman, and yet he did not support same-sex marriage or civil unions, yet he was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans, who supported both.  I often wonder how Megan feels about her father’s lack of supportive position?  McCain was a Liberlist Conservative.  Voting conservatively about 60% of the time and more liberal leaning about 40% of the time.  He often voted with Obama, which was a good thing. Now Obama and Bush 43 will be giving the eulogies at his funeral.  Appropriate.

I am imagining it will be a HUGE television event, watched by millions here and around the world.  THAT will just serve to piss on #45 and could instigate him to do something stupid or bombastic just to re-focus attention on himself.  #45 is an egotistical fuck and cannot stand to be upstaged.  I can hear his stupid ass saying “…fucking McCain! What kind of man is he?  Dying in the middle of MY precious news coverage extravaganza?”  yup, he’s crying in his koolaid about now.

I only wish that we had MORE men in our political system, specifically the Senate and House, that had the balls and fortitude of John McCain.  #45 wouldn’t stand a chance.  He’s afraid of REAL men and women; those who talk back, question him, tell him he’s wrong and call him out on his crimes.  It’s pathetic and makes me sick that almost ALL of the current office holders in our government don’t have the guts to stand up to #45.

I am now calling him “#45” instead of his given name.  He’s just a number.  He’s a bad number, playing a horrible game with the USA and the rest of the world.  After he’s gone we will right things once again and his memory will fade, he’s just a number now and will be just another stupid number in the future.  He was put into our highest political office fraudulently; through the use of criminal activity, Russian influence, voting interference and black money.  He will NEVER be remembered for anything “good” but only as the worst thing we ever allowed to happen to America.  And yes, we allowed him to take office.  MOST voting eligible citizens of our country did NOT even vote in the last presidential election in 2016.

My Weed Plant

…is growing like a WEED!  Bwhahaha!  I laugh!  Yes, it’s kind of amazing, the plant has broken the 6′ height mark and is thriving.  I am going to build a hot house around it this weekend.  Two reasons: security and maximum growth.  Hilda is in the stage of white hairs appearing, the hint of buds coming, and just getting fatter by the day.   I’ve learned a LOT from this experience of growing marijuana plants.  I’m very interested now in furthering that experience by starting a hydroponic grow in my back room / zen room. Once I procure the necessary eqipment and set it up properly I’m going to give indoor growing a shot.  I have not yet decided what I am going to DO with all this weed, whether I leave it as flower or make it into edibles and dabs.  We shall see; the research is not complete.

Missing my girl

It’s been about a week and a half since my girl left to return to her home in Texas.  Fuck.  I miss her wicked bad.  But, life must go on, and get back to some sembelance of “normal” for both of us.  She has her life, work and a business there, and I have my own set of responsibilities here.  Long distance relationships are difficult at very  best.  We both “get” this completely.  We’re not fooled by any of it.  Relegated to messenger, phone calls and the sporadic Skype-a-thon we’re making it work.  I even get to see her little girl when we Skype on the weekend mornings.

We have photos and shared Google albums, but there isn’t anything that compares to real time spent together.  I look forward to her next in-person visit, hopefully in mid-October.  And in January, when I can travel once again, perhaps I’ll venture to Texas at some point while it’s cold and snowy here in Maine.  All I know is that I can’t spend enough time with this woman and with that in mind I’ll do whatever I am able to do to see her whenever possible.   When we are together I want to keep her within three feet of me at all times!  RAWRRRR…damn.

Ok, I’m off to work on some photo books and other crafty stuff today.  Hope you are all doing well.

Answer this in the comments:  How do you manage distance in a relationship?  If you live with your lover, how do you manage space and alone time?

Peace  ~  MB

The Aftermath

TimeOnlyPasses

Summer of 2018 will go down in my memory banks as one of the BEST ever, I am sure!  And the best part so far has been the extended visit of my girlfriend and her daughter.  They spent about 24 days with me…and it was so awesome that I can’t even find the words to exclaim my exuberance  I was feeling over the whole time they spent here with me.  There is just something about having the woman I love so deeply right here with me.

Taking them to Boston’s Logan Airport last Thursday was a bitch.  I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t get upset, but before I even made it to the interstate highway I started to choke up and tears came to my eyes.  I told her I didn’t want to take them to the airport, but I knew that I had to do it.  They have a life and people in Texas that the two of them needed to return to and my time was over.  It sucked, but it had to happen.

She’s been gone a number of days now and I miss her badly.  I admit it, I’m a fucking sap.  I’m trying very hard to keep my game face on and drive forward.   It’s a good thing that I am adept at compartmentalizing my life because I need to keep this in the right perspective.  While I wish that she were here with me, I know that’s not a possibility because of her home and professional life back there in Texas.  Sure, if she lived closer to me it would be easier, but easy isn’t always convenient when we need it to be.

Long distance relationships are hard as fuck.  And this particular relationship has a couple of other slightly challenging angles to it as well, but my intense love for her makes me determined to try to keep this together; to continue to see her as much as we can manage, while trying hard not look too deeply into the future.  You never really know what will happen down the proverbial road.  While it is hard sometimes not to wish into the future, it is more realistic to stay in the present.

 

I’ve been slowly reorganizing my house.  Put the antique highchair away, out of my sight so I don’t see it and think of little Bean’s face and her infectious giggles.

I slept the first 3 nights after my girl left on my living room couch, being in denial I chose to avoid my bed and the memories it silently held.

Yesterday I cleaned my car out and while vacuuming the back seat one of Bean’s red plastic balls rolled out to say hello.  And her wipies were in the way-back area…little subtle reminders of some very wonderful days and a super sweet little girl.

Doing laundry I spotted a tiny sock…then found some of my girls clothes in the dresser where I usually store the dog’s bath towels.  Sigh.  The clothes even faintly held her scent.

There’s one helping of blueberry cobbler left in the fridge that I’m reluctant to eat because I know it’s the last thing she made for me.  I just want to open the fridge and remember her delight in making something for me that I love so much.  I’ll have to finish it today, or it will become a science project in the near future.  And I don’t want that!

So, yeah, I miss her wicked, wicked bad.  I haven’t let myself cry about it or get overly emotional.  I keep trying to just stay in a neutral space in my head.  Don’t over think it.  Easier said than done, but at least I’m giving it the good ole Butch try!  I can’t always control what my heart feels, but I can choose how I am going to deal with it.  I’m still figuring that out right now – the dealing with it part that is – so stay tuned.

———

In other rather mundane news of my life…the dogs are doing great. They were stellar little souls while my visitors were here.  I am pretty proud of them.  Lulu is growing up and maturing quite nicely.  She finally gets it when she’s outside and I tell her to “go to the house,” she runs right up the porch stairs and to the door.  She’s about 75% responsive at this point; it’s a work in progress for sure.  Nola, of course, is VERY well trained and generally knows what I am going to tell her before I even speak.  She’s intuitive as fuck.

I got the house all nice and clean this morning, I just need to wash floors and it will be completely done…for another few days.  It’s a bitch keeping up with it sometimes, but I do like a clean and functional living space.  I can be a little neurotic about it sometimes, but generally, my mantra is “clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy.”  And that’s basically how it works out.  But today I even washed the covers to the dog’s stair units and some rugs.  It’s always something and never really feels “done”.

I took the last week that my girl was here off from work.  Started back last Friday and it’s nice to see everyone again.  That job keeps me on track.  Without it I would have endless time on my hands that I don’t need to have!  It’s not my long-term plan to stay with that job, but for now, it’s working to my advantage and it’s good for me – gets my ass up in the morning and makes me think.

I named the marijuana plant I am growing Hilda.  It’s doing magnificently.  I’ve been taking photos of Hilda daily, marking her progress to maturity.  I am thinking I may print a chronology out and make her a book…my first grown since I was a young hoodlum.

It’s been a lot of fun watching the plants grow.  There are actually 2 of them.  But Hilda has really gone crazy with growing!  I haven’t done anything special, just put them into my veggie garden after fertilizing it with cow manure compost earlier this Spring.  They looked pretty pathetic for a couple of weeks and then the magic started to happen.  It seemed they were sprouting new leaves and gaining in height and width daily!  Here she is yesterday…

2018-08-19 21.57.28

She’s just started getting her silvery hairs near the tops where the buds will soon begin to form.  I have a buddy who’s going to come by and give me some pointers and help with cloning 12 plants from this one, plus will also walk me through the next couple of months of the process, including cutting the buds and processing the plant.  I’m fucking excited as hell!

I hope all of you, my dear readers, are having just as fantastic of a summer as I am having!  Fall is coming soon, my girl visits again in October – sans child this visit – and I’m looking forward to that very much.  It just feels so right when she’s here with me; by my side and in my every day.

Peace.  ~  MB

Start August Rambles…Life is Good!

Damn…it’s Friday again!  While I absolutely LOVE it when we reach Friday each week, this week is different.  This Friday my Babe is here and I want time to stand still.  She’s here vacationing with me in Maine, with her 3 yr old daughter, as I’ve said previously.  So, I am wanting time to stop and wanting to spend all of my time and energy on her.  We’ve had a great time thus far, she’s been here about 9 days already and I am loving every minute of our days and nights.

It’s so different for me to get up in the morning at 5am and creep around the house getting my coffee and feeding the dogs in as quiet a manner possible.  I don’t want to wake the baby or disturb my sleeping Sweetheart.  I love watching her sleep; studying her face and stroking her hair while she’s off in dreamland somewhere.  It’s comforting to me that she’s here.  That she’ll be here when I get home from work and that she’s still going to be here for another 13 days.  I’m trying not to think about what I am going to feel like when it’s time for her to leave and return to Texas.  I know it’s inevitable, and it’s the way it is for us, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.  I only accept it.

I haven’t been in a serious relationship for many years now.  This relationship with Bones (what I affectionately call my girl) is new and different for me.  We’ve been talking and getting to know one another better since just before Christmas last year.  So, like 8 months now…and our feelings for one another have just grown stronger and stronger with each call, text and in-person visit we can make happen.  This current trip is her 3rd time coming up here to see me and we find more and more that we like about one another.  It’s a great feeling.

We had a night out together to play some pool and just spend alone time together.  My bestie babysat for us, we put the baby to bed and went out fairly late so it was easy on the sitter.  I took her to the old dive bar I used to frequent in my younger days.  Wow, has that place’s clientele changed, much younger crowd but it appeared to me the same things were going on…lots of drinking, game playing, and drug distribution.  But the atmosphere is basically the same; same old bar decor and same watered down drinks. It was funny to revisit the place and it reminds me of why I gave up hanging there and gave up drinking!  Then we checked out Legend’s Billiards for a long 3 games of us whacking the balls around on the pool table.  I’m sooo out of practice plus the tables are the 8′ regulation ones.  I am used to the 6′ bar tables so it was a lot of green space for me to deal with.  She kicked my ass.  But I had a super good time watching her do it; her ass in those sexy jeans was quite intoxicating.  Yeah, that. 🙂

My voice still isn’t back.  I saw a speech therapist on Thursday.  Looks like I am going to be quite some time like this.  My vocal cords are damaged and not working properly.  There could be a few explanations.  I smoke, so there’s that.  Reflux is their best guess at what’s caused the damage mostly.  Atmospheric pollutants – like the exhaust att he truck stop could be contributing as well.  I started taking Nexium as they recommended.  I’m not supposed to whisper or yell – both are bad for your vocal cords.  Voice rest as much as possible, Nexium, loads of water intake are basically what I have to concentrate on.  I have to do follow up appointments with the therapist for a while.  Hopefully, I can regain some of my old voice at some point.  It’s super aggravating.

Monday, August 6, 2018:

Summer in Maine this year has been really great.  The weather has been sunny, hot and humid.  Just like summer should be.  It’s been a banner year for my vegetable garden, with me being able to harvest produce about every other day for the last 3 weeks.  I’ve got ample supplies of blueberries and herbs like basil, thyme, rosemary, 2 types of oregano, cilantro and lavender.  I have harvested yellow summer squash, the over-abundant zucchini, awesome Straight 8 cukes, bell peppers, jalapeno peppers, and – of course – tomatoes!  Yep, the garden goddess has been good to me this season!

The marijuana plants I purchased as clones from a known mother strain are doing amply well.  I am so surprised that for a first time try on growing this slightly picky weed that I’ve managed to not only keep it alive but have been able to get it to THRIVE in my well fertilized Maine soil.  I’m looking forward to going through the bud process soon and harvesting it.  It should be a good quality weed and I should get quite an abundance of nice sized buds.  I’ve been studying up on High Times as to ways of harvesting and curing the plant and buds.  There is no “one-way” to do this, so I am allowed to choose how and when to harvest and finish off the product.  I am hoping to learn how to make some decent potency edibles.  I believe that edibles have a better shelf life and are easier to consume in my opinion.  It was mentioned that edibles have a better acceptance as well, that people sometimes resist at the thought of “smoking” this wonderful herb, but eating it to gain the benefits seems to be more acceptable mainstream.  Not sure if that is true, but it sure sounds like it could be!

I backed off in a MAJOR way watching the news and events of my country.  My daily news intake was pretty high there for a long time.  Right now I am distracted from this barrage of negativity by the presence of my girl and her daughter visiting, but I see that this is a huge benefit to my sanity and a major stress reducer.  It’s important to me to know and understand what is happening with the horrible Trump regime, but I was definitely watching too much and over thinking the situation.   I have some strong views of what I believe is happening to our country.  From what Trump is doing himself, to what is happening that I believe is partly happening BECAUSE of him and his hate-filled words.  The mass shootings, the bigotry, the racist attacks and killings, police brutality, protests, division of our people and damage being done to our environmental laws and our environment.  NONE of it is “good” at all.  Our Canadian friends are horrified and upset at the treatment they are getting because of their close relationship to America and I am VERY upset and sorry to them for this as well.  They do NOT deserve what Trump is doing or the ramifications of being our closest ally.  So, my Canadian friends, remember HE does NOT represent me or most of America’s good citizens.  His views are skewed, slanted and hateful.  For this, I am truly sorry.  One day this will pass and we will rectify all of his ill-thought moves.  We will get him out of office or he will die from stress and old age.  Remember, Trump is only a man…he is NOT some sort of permanent fixture and he will meet his end eventually.  Then we can reverse his stupidity with some extended work and by being kind to the world once again.  Most Americans are good, upstanding people with hearts of gold.  Trump represents that 24% of America (evidently) that is radically racist, nationalist and hateful – sadly.

Bones and I took a cruise on the MV Challenger out to the famous Isles of Shoals out off of the coast of the Maine/New Hampshire shore.  It was a perfect day, sunny with clear skies and out on the water the temperature was perfect for the cruise.  We saw the 5 forts that guard the mouth of Portsmouth Harbor, some pre-dating the Revolutionary war and all playing pivotal parts in our nations defense history, from Fort Constitution (at one time Fort William and Mary) to the Fort McClary – named for the first Maine man killed in the Revolutionary War.  The forts played roles in the defense of America from foreign sea invasion right up through the second World War and remain in defense stance even today.  Portsmouth Naval Shipyard – the oldest continuously working shipyard in America – consumes much of the Maine side of the Piscataqua River shoreline and is quite something to see, from the nuclear submarine overhaul facilities to the old Naval Prison that stand like a haunted castle.  The last man executed in Maine was held at that prison.  It closed in 1979…I remember when it was still open and in operation during my senior year of high school.  You could see it from the high school windows…eerie.

The last 12 days of having my girlfriend here with me and spending most of my time – except for work hours – with her has been terrific.  I still have here until the 16th when she will return to Texas which is her home.  I am imagining that it will be difficult for me to let her go and that I will be sad on that day.  I’m sure I will take a week or two to readjust to being here alone and having her once again 1900 miles from me.  I’m only human and it is natural that I will feel this way.  I am sure she will feel similarly as she returns to her life and work back there.  I’m going to miss waking up with her days, miss having coffee and starting our days together.  I’m going to miss the 3 yr old sweetie that she’s raising and teaching about life.  That little girl has also stolen my heart with her infectious smiles and hearty giggle.  I have gotten up before my girl every day, and some days I have managed to get the baby up and get her day started, allowing Bones to lay to bed a bit longer and relax more in rising to meet the day.  It’s been a true pleasure to have them both here in Maine with me.  And I look forward to future visits, both with my girl alone and with her daughter.

We try to take things as they come because it’s not an ideal situation that we live so far apart.  Long distance love can be challenging and requires work, compromise, and understanding by both parties.  We’ve decided together to put the effort into this because our love and desire to have each other in daily life is so strong.  Sure, I’ve had other relationships with some great women, but this one takes the proverbial cake for me.  This woman is everything I’ve ever needed and wanted in a partner – and more.  Our connection is deep and true.  I’m loving every minute of loving her and being loved by her.  I’m really super glad she reached out to me back in December and we made this awesome connection.  It wasn’t anything either of us planned, it just happened and felt so natural for us to be together.  I just hope that we continue on this path together and can move through any obstacles the world throws at us because she truly is my piece of heaven on earth.

I hope YOUR day is good, dear reader, and that your summer has been as good as mine.  Yes, the summer of 2018 will definitely be fondly remembered and thought about for many years to come as the summer of new relationships and new adventures, as well as a summer of love and affection that cannot be put into words.

Have a super August.  And remember, be kind, you never know what anyone you encounter in your day is fighting or going through.  So be kind to each other and let the bullshit go.

Peace.   ~MB

 

 

Tales of Love…My Girl’s Visit…

I’ve been insanely busy lately.  My girlfriend visited me, with her 3 yr. old daughter in tow, from last Thursday until Monday afternoon when I drove them back to Logan Airport…they missed their 5:30 flight, but luckily made a 6:00 flight.  While they were here we had a terrific time.  Having her child here made this visit a little more complicated, but it was still completely awesome.  The child is just a peach, so sweet and easy going.  Having them here made my house so much happier; filled with laughter and fun times.

We spent more time at my home and less out exploring around the Seacoast area.  Although, on Saturday of her visit, we took her little girl up to the Maine Wildlife Park in Gray Maine and spent the day learning about and viewing all of the animals of Maine.  The place is a refuge for injured or orphaned animals and birds, some of which are rehabilitated and returned to the wild while others live out their days at the park in super nice habitats built specifically to accommodate their special needs.

Before her visit I was busy getting the house ready, putting the playpen together for the baby to sleep in and trying to inform my two little hellion dogs that we had visitors coming – specifically one very small visitor!

Last time she was here, at the beginning of March, there was snow on the ground.  We were in the midst of enduring 4 northeaster storms in the span of 10 days.  She got a full experience of Maine in the snowy winter.  This time it was nice, warm and sunny.  The daffodils outside my front steps were in full bloom and the grass was greening up real nice.  We visited Wentworth Greenhouses during this visit and I got a bunch of new perennial flowers for my gardens.  Wentworth is an experience all by itself.  It’s a massive store, with every item, plant and idea you can think of for gardening – inside and outside.

Our long-distance relationship is going great.  I’m stunned by the depth of our connection, on so many levels.  We get along so well, having many common interests.  And she is super smart, and I’m so turned on by intelligence!  I think it’s super sexy when a woman is not only very easy on the eyes, but is super smart to boot!  Does me in every time!  🙂

Saturday night we hired my niece to babysit Little Bit while Bones and I went out to dinner and to the local gay club to do some people watching.  We had a really nice time, just the two of us, out on a real kind of date for a change.  Being long-distance lovers, we don’t get much of that time for just going out together, like on dates.  So, I really tried to make it happen this time around.  I wanted to show her off, having a pretty girl on my arm and knowing it’s me she’s going home with…there’s just something about that that makes a Butch try just that much harder.

We stopped on the way to dinner at the Old Goal in York, Maine.  It’s the old town jail, and out front they have an authentic set of old stocks…for public punishment and humiliation.  We laugh about them all the time, and I put my girl in them and took some pictures…funny as fuck!  She was dressed so beautifully…in a gorgeous teal blue dress and heels.  So she looked pretty funny stuck in those old stocks!

After dinner at the 1652 in York Beach, we rode up US Route 1A through Cape Neddick and into Ogunquit Maine.  We stopped in Perkin’s Cove, which was basically deserted at this time of year.  It’s a beautiful little fishing village and tourist attraction, complete with a wooden walk-over draw bridge.  The fishing boats were all silently moored in the cove, quietly waiting for their owner/operators to arrive at the next high tide to go out lobstering.  Such a sweet and romantic kind of setting.  We hung out together on the bridge over the water for a little while, then went to the club.

So, it was a GREAT date!  A super nice 5 day visit and I couldn’t be happier!  I had a terrific time.  We both love bird watching, so we did ALOT of that!  I have my feeders set up outside the big living room window at my house, and I have a squirrel that I call “Herbie” and tons of song birds, wood peckers, wild turkeys, and finches that visit.  This morning I even had a humming bird at the feeder!  Bones loves watching too – maybe even more than me!  And she got lots of great bird pictures.  I’ll scam some and try to do another post on bird sightings soon.

The long-distance thing is challenging, but totally worth it.  The memories we are making together are priceless.  We’re both pretty rooted in our respective homes, so don’t anyone get the idea I’m renting a fucking U-Haul or anything crazy like that!!  But I do miss her insanely when we’re not together.  Thankfully we have Skype, messenger and all of the beauty of today’s technology that keeps us connected pretty much constantly.  It’s been a few months now, and we are doing pretty damned good I believe.

We have such a great thing.  We talk about everything, which is really kind of new for me in many ways.  I’ve always been so protective of my thoughts, but I feel like I can tell her anything without being judged or without her running away.  She’s just so perfect for me.  *sigh* So, I’m going to roll with this as long as I can…cuz I just can’t imagine any other woman besides her being in my life like this.  Crazy, I know, but it’s happened.  And I’m all good with it!

I hope everyone has a great week!  It’s hump day and I’m trying to catch up after my long weekend!

Peace!   ~MB

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crazy Spring Feelings

I get crazy for her some nights, that urge just won’t quit.  I lay flat on my back, which is how I sleep anyway, stretch out and try to imagine…oops, did I turn off the stove…? Fuck.  And, yes, I generally get up to check if that thought, or a thought about the heat being turned down crosses my mind.  After getting back up to check on things at least once, I settle into my bed, one dog laying by my side and the other laying on my chest.  This is how I sleep every night.  I’m a back sleeper, flat on my back.  I wake myself laughing quite often, and can manipulate my dreams if I try hard enough…it’s a gift I believe.

I got up this morning, turned on my computer and resumed watching a movie that I had started last night – before my eyelids wouldn’t stay open.  The movie was “Below Her Mouth” and is very erotic, sexy and one of the best lesbian movies I have seen done.  Generally when you watch any movie with two women getting it on it’s staged and done by straight men, thus it’s not realistic or true to form.  THIS movie was very realistic, true to form and a great depiction of lesbian sex.  Didn’t look fake at all, which made it even hotter.  So, if you’re looking to get yourself a bit sexually aroused this weekend, check out “Below Her Mouth” on Netflix.  I can just about guarantee you won’t be sorry!

The high winds last week got so bad one night that it blew my bird feeding station pole down, and it’s anchored by a piece of marble…so it has weight, but the wind was so ferocious that anything without deep roots was flying around.   Luckily, I only lost one feeder.  My finch tube feeder was crushed by the pole when it fell.  I just put everything back together and the local birds are now happily snacking once again.

Spring is very slow coming here in Maine this year.  It’s April 7th and it’s 38 degrees, windy, but sunny.  It’s just been a weird ending to winter for us.  Keeps snowing, about every other day we get snow.  None of it is “sticking” or building up; generally it’s gone in a few hours of sunshine.  But it’s annoying as fuck.

I am anxious for warmer days, sunshine and gardening!  I have even mapped out my property in planning out my gardens for 2018.  I do love my gardens, and being outside working in them.  Even weeding has a sort of zen feeling to it for me.  And I’ve been watching some DIY videos about prepping the vegetable garden soil for better growth and production.  I haven’t added compost to that garden since I built it the first spring I was in this house.  So, compost is being mixed in this season, so things should grow good.  And I am planning a long garden down the side of the trailer, coming out about 6′ or so, I bought a bunch of wildflower seeds and am going to prepare that area and over-seed it with a mix of four types of seeds: hummingbird attractor, flowering perennials, flowering annuals, and a butterfly mixture.  This next coming weekend it’s supposed to be warmer, so I am planning to do some outdoor work; raking, trimming and laying some stones I have procured from the nearby quarry.

April 10, 2018.

My girlfriend and I are doing really great, despite the distance.  My heart is really happy about this.  It’s strange to take such a big chance on love again at 56…I seriously thought that this part of my life was pretty much finished.  I never expected to meet Bones.  She’s changed my whole outlook on some things, and I was obviously very ready to make the changes.  I don’t exactly know where we are taking things, it’s complicated in a few ways.  She has a life in Texas, a business and a child.  Right now we are just trying to stay connected daily, enjoying the moments, and not making any future plans.  Living and taking things day-by-day, as they come.  She’s coming back in May to spend some more time with me.  And she’s bringing her daughter to meet me.  I am really looking forward to this next visit!

I’ve really gone out on a limb with this woman.  I’m pleasantly surprised at how well things are going and how deeply she’s affected me.  I’m allowing her past many walls and letting her through the barriers to my heart.  It’s been scary, but worth every wince. She just looks at me and I melt into a puddle inside…the feeling is outrageously delicious.  I long for her touch when we are apart; and I know she’s feeling it too.  That’s the best part.  I feel for people who settle for anything less than this feeling, it’s the best feeling in the world to connect with another person on this level of depth, emotionally, physically and sexually, it’s just phenomenal.

I have opened a new website for anyone interested in Butch-femme connections and conversation.  It’s just getting off the ground.  It’s a membership only site where you join up and create a profile.  I am going to link it here in this post.  Anyone who would like to contribute, participate or even just lurk around until they feel more comfortable, is welcome to join.  The site has been created for women who prescribe to the Butch-femme dynamic mostly, but there are forums for other things as well such as LGBT news and articles.  The site is called Butch-Femme-Perspectives.  Please join me!  I feel that with some effort on all of our parts we can make the site pretty damned cool!  We’ll add and subtract from it as necessary, creating our own unique safe place on the web.

Alrighty, let me wrap this up.  The day is burning away, I need to get some things done outside and am lingering inside just waiting for it to warm up a tad.  Hell..I could be waiting til Thursday at this rate!  Haha…

What does your week hold in store for you?  Any great things happening?  What are you looking forward to?

Peace.    ~MB