The Hardest Pill to Swallow: You Have Toxic Traits Too — EvolveYou

I came across this during my reading today…very interesting. I can go thru the list of toxic traits, most of which I am in control of until triggered by some reminder of a past incident, and they all resonate with me. For almost a decade and a half I kept myself in tight check, then I went wild for a few years, acting out because of all I was denied, seeking it elsewhere. Then I settled, did some work on myself, accidently fell in love and it was great for almost 2 years, then one of my old things was triggered, actually 2 of them, and I lost it momentarily. I know it’s going to happen, now I just need to learn new ways of handling it without lashing out at others. This is a great article!!!

I’m sorry, but it’s true. My toxic traits? Well for starters, I solve every heartache by eating my weight in sweets. I also have this habit of lying to myself when it comes to wine. I tell myself I’ll only have a glass. But let’s face it, it’s never really just one glass. I don’t […]

The Hardest Pill to Swallow: You Have Toxic Traits Too — EvolveYou
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Honest Blogging…what’s my take?

Fandango once again has piqued my interest with a post of his. It’s about how honest one is in their blog posts. The question is posed as follows:

How honest are you to your blog and as such, to your readership? Do you think you can be too honest, too open?

I feel like I have been very truthful and as honest as I can be with my blogs and to my readers. I try to convey what is happening in my life at the moment of the blog and sometimes my blogs are about recurring issues that I deal with; health issues, dog stuff, flirtations and even love. I’ve also written about my experiences with addiction, recovery, relapse and the more negative sides of my life. I’ve never proclaimed to be any sort of saint in my actions or on my life journey. I know I’ve fucked up, back tracked, and had to regroup my brain more than a few times over my 57 years. But life seems to happen in chapters, as I have discussed before, and I am always truthful to the current chapter that I am going through. My opinions and views on things will definitely change, everyone’s do. It’s just part of life and the result of one gaining more knowledge or experience that will change an opinion. Sometimes it’s just something that changes with time.

Currently I am in a really awesome chapter of my life. My 50’s have been some discovery years for sure. A decade of settling in fully to my authentic self and understanding that I am enough and that I do matter in peoples’ lives. I have a place in this world, a vision and goals. Being brutally honest with my written word is one of those things that I intend to remain true to until the day I stop blogging…at which time I will be being pronounced dead, cuz I plan on blogging to the end.

As part of an older Butch crowd now I have more of a concern for those coming into their own at younger ages. They have to have good, solid role models and examples to learn from. I try to remember that. I may not be the best example of how to be, but I can definitely present some examples of how not to be, and advice on how to avoid perilous situations.

This blog was started back in 2009. Prior to then I blogged mostly on AOL’s former platform. When I quit there I sat and printed out ALL of those old blogs. While those are interesting because they reflect a much younger me as well as a much different me, they are integral to who I am today. It’s interesting to read through some of the really old stuff and try to imagine where my thoughts were at that time and why.

There are some topics in those old, printed blogs and even here on my Butch Perspectives blog that I want to revisit with today’s opinion vs. how I thought when I originally wrote about the topic. I am also going to do this with some of my old video vlogs on Youtube that are so far out-dated that I just have to update them and most likely remove the older stuff. It’s hard to know whether to leave the videos up or not. Right now I am planning to decide one video at a time.

It’s incredible how we continue to grow, learn and change throughout our lives. It’s really a non-stop process of self-preservation. We roll with the punches and adapt depending on what we are faced with or what is happening around us in the world. Attitudes come and go, change and revert. It’s not surprising that so many of us are in medically induced states of mind these days. Anti-depressants are our friends.

So, yes, I feel like I have been authentic and honest in my blogging – at least to the point that I am able to be. Sure, there are things in my head that I will never write about; incidents that are either too painful for me or others to recall in writing, or things that are just best left buried in the back of the darker part of my mind. Again, self-preservation rears it’s head.

Summer time in Texas….August oven!

I am currently in Texas with my girl and having a great time. I love being with her, every minute together we build memories that sustain us when we are apart. She has brought a light into my life that burns bright in my heart, warming my soul. She sparks passion in me that I thought long gone and it feels fucking amazing. I just want to wrap her in my love and protect her from the harshness of the world, but I do not want to ever restrict her from experiencing life in her own ways. Our relationship is very solid from both sides I believe and that is something very unique in my world. Never have I met such a woman like her that is so true to her word and to herself and with me before. I will guard that with everything I have in me.

Texas is hot as fuck. I mean, damn, people here that can function in this kind of super oppressive heat amaze me. We have basically kept outside activity to a minimum, playing in the backyard with the kiddo after dinner when it’s cooler, sitting in the two foot deep kiddie pool laughing and joking around. We’ve gone out sight-seeing and it was basically stopping and taking photos of cool stuff, then jumping right back into the air conditioned car or going into a cool building. Today we went into the Blue Bird Circle Shop in Houston. It is a women’s organization with incredible history of philanthropy and of supporting research and care for Rett patients. And wow, what an incredible shop! It’s all consigned thrift, very high quality and fun stuff. I made a small purchase of a set of special little bunny figures with little dainty butterflies on them, they’re adorable and my Mom collects bunnies, so they’re a gift for her.

Me and the Doc…

My girl’s daughter has Rett, a genetic disorder that affects fine motor skills – speech, hand use, walking, muscle tone and eating. It’s not something easy at all to deal with, but the kid is thriving and is very smart – which makes it doubly frustrating for her and her mother because the child knows what she wants and wants to say, or ask for, but they haven’t quite got the communication down between them. The Bean, which is what we call the little girl, is growing and is now over 4 yrs old and she’s got a LOT to say! You can do a lot of communicating with her by asking yes or no questions and she has developed an eye-contact or head turn to indicate her answer. It’s a start, and it’s not perfect, but I have much hope and optimism that good things are coming down the road – very soon – to help Bean and other little girls like her. There are new treatments being developed every day in the scientific community and we are just waiting for access to them here in the USA.

I love the kid to pieces. She’s got a stellar smile and is really funny sometimes! She loves to laugh and be silly, and when she’s not in agreement with something I say she gives me the most stern “eye-brow” crunch or side-eye look to let me know! It’s kind of cute, and really amazing that she’s so on target with her reactions, so you KNOW she’s understands perfectly what you’re saying!

Bean loves music especially and today I got her a Rocktopus (a FisherPrice toy) that has like 15 instrument capsules that you rotate into it’s various tentacles, I will include a picture so you get the gist of what it looks like. Anyway, Bean LOVES the musical beast. And it helps her improve her hand use and the hand / eye coordination. She just has to think about her movement much harder than what comes so automatically to you or I. She’s doing really well with it though, I’ve seen marked improvement over the last year.

Rocktopus by Fisher Price
2019 Toy of The Year Award

We did a ton of sightseeing in Houston yesterday…I will post those pictures in the next blog…later today, so watch your feeds!!

Peace! ~ MB

Making it Work…My LDR Experience

I’m heavily involved with a woman in a very long-distance relationship. I am madly in love with my woman and i believe the feeling is mutual for her as well. We met about 18 months ago online and hit it off very quickly. Neither of us were looking for any sort of “relationship” like the one that has taken us both by major surprise! I am super happy being with her; being around her and just having her in my life in whatever ways I can manage to make that happen.

She works especially hard at keeping us in tight contact and in visiting me as much as she possibly can manage. She also has an almost 4 yr old daughter who requires major amounts of her time and energy. It’s been really terrific how she has allowed me to fit into her busy life; welcoming me into her heart and her home.

At the beginning of this month I took a flight down to Texas to spend 5 days with her and the little one, in their space and learning about how their lives go and what they like to do.I have to say that it was the most relaxing and awesome 5 days for me. She treats me so incredibly good. I don’t know what good deed I did that brought this major good karma to me in the form of her and her love for me, but whatever it was I hope I keep doing it! I truly do not want this to ever end. Ever.

I could see myself completely in a full-time daily relationship with this woman very, very easily and I believe I would absolutely love every minute of it – like I love every minute I spend with her. The electricity between us in high-voltage for sure. She is definitely my Kryptonite.

The most difficult thing for me is the distance and the communication at times. I miss the things that can only be had in a closer vicinity relationship, like daily kisses, dinner together and discussing our days, sleeping next to the one I love the most in this world and waking up next to her in the morning. These are the things you give up when you agree to a long-distance relationship. What makes them easier for me is that when we ARE together everything is so very important; every moment, every second counts twice as much. I find that I cannot fill my vision with enough of her and her smile, her eyes and those sexy lips so I am often staring at her alot when we are together. I value our time in the presence of one another more than anything. And it’s very hard when we again have to go our separate ways and back to the lives we live daily without each other’s physical presence and touch.

I have said in the past that I wouldn’t do another LDR, but I was swept off my path by the entry of this incredible woman into my life. We started by just innocently talking online, by email and then by messenger. One thing lead to another and we began Skyping – which is a terrific way to get to know someone from a distance in my opinion. I found myself very drawn to her; moreso every time we spoke and every time I saw her beautiful face on my computer screen or her name come up in my messenger on my phone. I got excited to hear from her, even the smallest things I wanted to know about her and wanted to talk to her about. I love that she is super smart and very dedicated to her daughter, her job and her life in Texas. I love that she has somehow found ways to make time to fit me into that picture as well. She means the whole world to me.

I don’t usually connect with women who contact me online looking to date or hook up. It’s a sketchy thing to me. I don’t trust people and I am a miser with my time and energy. When she contacted me I didn’t realize it would result in major feelngs and changes in my life. I didn’t realize it would lead to a deep and growing love and passion beyond expectations, but it did and I am extremely happy that it has worked out this way.

We’ve been doing this long-distance thing now for about 16 months…We have managed to see one another every 6-8 weeks since the beginning. We did just extended that and went almost 3 months without any face-to-face time and it was EVILLY HARD!!! We decided we didn’t like that at all and are going to try to stick closer to the six to eight week schedule that worked better for us. I just hope we can keep it working on that schedule somehow.

I know I give up a lot by choosing long-distance love. Some days I want someone who is right here with me, who wakes up with me and has morning coffee and sleepy chat. It’s harder just being alone all the time. No one to depend on, no one to share with, no one to notice things and no one to understand the days. I’ve contemplated a more poly arrangement, but I don’t believe a substitute in my bed would really workout very well. Plus, finding a woman who would be amendable to that type of arrangement would be a tad more difficult. No, I know who has my heart and who I want in my bed. Enough said.

We each choose to be exactly where we are at this moment simply by doing the things we have done and continue to do. That is our reality.

#YouAreEnough Challenge Day 2-5

Due to the mid-term elections and my obsession with them, I have not kept up with the 30-day challenge #YouAreEnough.  I am about to do days 2, 3, 4, and 5 here.

Day 2: A special encounter that almost felt like an angelic experience.  An interesting thing to think about.  I once got into a taxi in Gaithersburg MD after working painting a house that day and the taxi driver was an older white gentleman.  I was a bit down and he seemed to notice and struck up a conversation with me.  The 20-minute ride really made me think, he seemed very intuitive to my plight – I was struggling with whether I would stay in DC or move back to Maine at the time.  He gave me some good advice.  The next day I needed a taxi so I called the same company and requested him…they told me they had no one by that name working for them…I swear this guy was an angel in disguise.

 Day 3: Share a time you felt lost and how you got found.   When I left the military in September of 1984 I never realized how difficult it would be for me to reintegrate into civilian society.  I had a really tough time adjusting and was very lost. I drank heavily, got my first DWI within 2 weeks of my discharge, resulting in a broken leg and a concussion plus loss of my license and dignity. By January of 1985, I was miserable. I missed the Army, the organization and always knowing what was expected of me. I missed the discipline and at 22 I still NEEDED that discipline in my life. I re-enlisted for 2 more years of active reserve duty. I was legally in the reserves, I just got them to assign me to duty that I had to report to every day for a couple of years. Once I put that uniform back on I refound myself and my purpose for that time. In 1986 I finished and the second time I didn’t look back, but I do wish today that I had stayed in and done 25 years.  I would have been finished and collecting a nice pension right now.  Hindsight is 20/20.

Day 4: Share a time you received life-altering news, good or bad, that impacted your life.  It was August 31, 1992, I went back to the clinic where I had gone to be tested for HIV – everyone was being tested at the time, so I figured what the hell and got myself tested (also at the urging of my therapist at the time).  The counselor saw me come in and quickly got me into a private space where she blurted out “I’m so sorry, you are HIV positive”.  I will never forget that day, those words, or her pained look when she told me. Come to find out I was the first woman she had had to tell they were positive. Back in 92 we still didn’t have good drugs to suppress the virus and stop it from becoming AIDS. My entire life changed during that minute. I felt like I had an expiration date stamped on my forehead.  Since then I have come great strides. It’s been 26 years, I am happy, healthy and my viral count is Zero – undetectable – meaning the virus is not active in my body and the drug cocktail I take every day is working well. I am lucky. I lost many friends early in the discovery of this epidemic. I still miss them and grieve for the lives that they missed because of this horrible disease. I fondly remember the days before we knew anything about HIV/AIDS and how wild and crazy they were. I live a safe, sane life now and I take care of myself and my loved ones because in the end, that’s all you really have in this life.

Day 5: Share a time when you felt unimaginable loss and how you came to realize that you were ENOUGH to handle it.  The only thing I can relate to this one is the break up of my 14 yr relationship with my ex. I never thought we would split; I seriously thought we’d be together to the end. So, life without her and without all that was entailed – the farm, the horses, the animals, and the money – seemed very foreign to me. It took me a couple of years to adjust to my new circumstance of being single and having to look at rebuilding my life as such. I went through all of the emotions, from grief to anger to acceptance and then I moved on and have put together a pretty comfortable life for myself today. I dated a few other women along the way and last year I found the right woman to compliment my life.

There! I am now caught up. I will write the Day 6 blog after dinner tonight.  I hope you enjoyed this quick one, as there will be more coming!

#youareenough

Peace!  ~  MB

Fleeting Thoughts…that hang around…

I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately; deep thinking, light thinking, silly stuff, and just plain random shit runs through my mind in a constant flow of factoids and ponderings.  Most of it has been the result of changing anti-depressant medication.  Whoa…I didn’t know it would be this rough!  My dreams have been off-the-charts wild as fuck.

Every day is not rainbows, I know. Some days just suck, but we struggle through them toward that time when we lay our heads down at night, close our eyes and hope tomorrow is even a tiny bit better.  We use the resources available to us and we figure it out somehow.  That’s being human.  That’s just part of being alive and living life.

I can be a little complex at times.  I have walked a few different trails in my life and of course, I am the sum of those experiences.  What happens to us sometimes defines us in very specific ways.  I have been thinking about that a lot the last couple of weeks.  Who I am and why I am, crazy shit like that.

My girl is long distance, which has its own set of fucked up challenges.  I miss her all the time, but this is how it works for us.  It’s not perfect, but I love her and don’t want to stop.  She’ll be here for 4 days in a month, I’m so in need of her visit!  Being with her just makes me feel so much better; relaxed and happy.  It’s very hard not being able to be there for her when she might need me.  I can only do so much over the phone, Skype and text…which frustrates the fuck outta me at times.

She works so hard and is managing her daughter with special needs getting to and from school, daycare, feedings, etc…it’s all a LOT for her.  She has some help there, I know, but I still wish like hell I could be there.  I naturally worry about HER health and well-being during all that goes on in her days.  I encourage her to eat and take care of herself, but the stress on her is pretty formidable right now and I feel the tension in her voice.

There are moments when I wonder if managing a relationship with me doesn’t just make things that much harder for her. But I know that we love each other and I couldn’t – or won’t – stop now.  I’ve committed myself to her and will just continue to try to bring good things to her life; make memorable contributions as I can.

Sure, I have my insecurities and I tend to over-think sometimes.  She is very into the “in the moment” mind space. Sometimes that throws me a bit.  I like to think forward a little.  And being a writer and a lover of words, I sometimes either read or interpret their meanings incorrectly.  It has caused me a bit of angst on more than one occasion, and we’ve dealt with it.

Sometimes I’m afraid of loving her so much.  Sometimes I feel a little in the way.  I love her so deeply and really try to keep things calm and focused for her.  The less drama on my end the better, so I stay very chill and think things through.

I’m starting to ramble; my head is so full of stuff lately, and the med changes aren’t helping me much.  Today I was on the verge of tears for a couple of hours after having a negative experience at the pharmacy and with my prescriptions.  It aggravated me so much I drove angrily home with tears in the corners of my eyes.  I hate feeling that way.  Maybe it IS easier just not to feel at all.

 

 

 

And the week starts…

I have a couple of things to talk about here today.  It’s Monday, August 27, 2018 and with just 4 more days of August ahead of us I am beginning to look toward September; the arrival of cooler temperatures to Maine, fall festivals and agricultural fairs, the leaves beginning to turn colors and yes, the annual return to wearing flannel shirts and work boots.  Fall or Autumn is my most favorite time of year.

I noticed yesterday that the lawns and tree leaves were now reflecting that “mature” darker green in their preparation to begin the colorful yearly die-off; getting naked for winter.  It’s around this time of year that I get mums for the fall, to display on my front steps and in the garden.  It’s really the only true annual flowering plant that I do invest in every year.  They’re hardy, kind of impervious to the vast temperature flux of our September and October days, and they last a good long time.  I like the bright yellow, orange, lavender and brick read colors too, they’re different from the brilliant summer blooms of other plants.  So, this weekend I will hit Lowe’s and get probably 12 of them and create my fall display outside.  Oh!  And I have homegrown pumpkins from my garden!  It’s been a banner garden year.

Sen. John McCain’s death

America lost a truly great politician a couple of days ago.  We knew it was coming, and with his refusal of all treatment the day before we understood the time was near.  The next news was his passing at 4:28 pm with his family and close friends at his bedside.  It was a sad point when the newscaster came across with “Breaking News” of his death.  I stopped for a minute, remembered how cantankerous and incorrigible McCain could be, but then also remembered how brave and courageous he was too.  I didn’t always agree with his politics, but I always agreed with his patriotism and with that love of country that the man had in him.  I always respected him from a military point; he was a pilot with the US Navy and was shot down and became a POW.  During his detention he suffered brutally at the hands of the Vietnamese, often beaten and tortured horribly on a daily basis.  THAT is some bad ass shit to live through, and yet he did and spoke of it often.  It was no secret that he had witnessed or experienced directly some pretty fucked up stuff. And yet, his love of country got him through it and gave us a well-rounded man of honor that served his country for 60 years altogether.  Yeah, John, you did good.  Now rest. We got it from here.

I won’t forget how he was staunchly against Trump’s rhetoric and evil policy bullshit.  I won’t forget the photos of him returning, a mess, from Vietnam.  I won’t forget that he is the father of Megan McCain, a lesbian woman, and yet he did not support same-sex marriage or civil unions, yet he was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans, who supported both.  I often wonder how Megan feels about her father’s lack of supportive position?  McCain was a Liberlist Conservative.  Voting conservatively about 60% of the time and more liberal leaning about 40% of the time.  He often voted with Obama, which was a good thing. Now Obama and Bush 43 will be giving the eulogies at his funeral.  Appropriate.

I am imagining it will be a HUGE television event, watched by millions here and around the world.  THAT will just serve to piss on #45 and could instigate him to do something stupid or bombastic just to re-focus attention on himself.  #45 is an egotistical fuck and cannot stand to be upstaged.  I can hear his stupid ass saying “…fucking McCain! What kind of man is he?  Dying in the middle of MY precious news coverage extravaganza?”  yup, he’s crying in his koolaid about now.

I only wish that we had MORE men in our political system, specifically the Senate and House, that had the balls and fortitude of John McCain.  #45 wouldn’t stand a chance.  He’s afraid of REAL men and women; those who talk back, question him, tell him he’s wrong and call him out on his crimes.  It’s pathetic and makes me sick that almost ALL of the current office holders in our government don’t have the guts to stand up to #45.

I am now calling him “#45” instead of his given name.  He’s just a number.  He’s a bad number, playing a horrible game with the USA and the rest of the world.  After he’s gone we will right things once again and his memory will fade, he’s just a number now and will be just another stupid number in the future.  He was put into our highest political office fraudulently; through the use of criminal activity, Russian influence, voting interference and black money.  He will NEVER be remembered for anything “good” but only as the worst thing we ever allowed to happen to America.  And yes, we allowed him to take office.  MOST voting eligible citizens of our country did NOT even vote in the last presidential election in 2016.

My Weed Plant

…is growing like a WEED!  Bwhahaha!  I laugh!  Yes, it’s kind of amazing, the plant has broken the 6′ height mark and is thriving.  I am going to build a hot house around it this weekend.  Two reasons: security and maximum growth.  Hilda is in the stage of white hairs appearing, the hint of buds coming, and just getting fatter by the day.   I’ve learned a LOT from this experience of growing marijuana plants.  I’m very interested now in furthering that experience by starting a hydroponic grow in my back room / zen room. Once I procure the necessary eqipment and set it up properly I’m going to give indoor growing a shot.  I have not yet decided what I am going to DO with all this weed, whether I leave it as flower or make it into edibles and dabs.  We shall see; the research is not complete.

Missing my girl

It’s been about a week and a half since my girl left to return to her home in Texas.  Fuck.  I miss her wicked bad.  But, life must go on, and get back to some sembelance of “normal” for both of us.  She has her life, work and a business there, and I have my own set of responsibilities here.  Long distance relationships are difficult at very  best.  We both “get” this completely.  We’re not fooled by any of it.  Relegated to messenger, phone calls and the sporadic Skype-a-thon we’re making it work.  I even get to see her little girl when we Skype on the weekend mornings.

We have photos and shared Google albums, but there isn’t anything that compares to real time spent together.  I look forward to her next in-person visit, hopefully in mid-October.  And in January, when I can travel once again, perhaps I’ll venture to Texas at some point while it’s cold and snowy here in Maine.  All I know is that I can’t spend enough time with this woman and with that in mind I’ll do whatever I am able to do to see her whenever possible.   When we are together I want to keep her within three feet of me at all times!  RAWRRRR…damn.

Ok, I’m off to work on some photo books and other crafty stuff today.  Hope you are all doing well.

Answer this in the comments:  How do you manage distance in a relationship?  If you live with your lover, how do you manage space and alone time?

Peace  ~  MB

The Aftermath

TimeOnlyPasses

Summer of 2018 will go down in my memory banks as one of the BEST ever, I am sure!  And the best part so far has been the extended visit of my girlfriend and her daughter.  They spent about 24 days with me…and it was so awesome that I can’t even find the words to exclaim my exuberance  I was feeling over the whole time they spent here with me.  There is just something about having the woman I love so deeply right here with me.

Taking them to Boston’s Logan Airport last Thursday was a bitch.  I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t get upset, but before I even made it to the interstate highway I started to choke up and tears came to my eyes.  I told her I didn’t want to take them to the airport, but I knew that I had to do it.  They have a life and people in Texas that the two of them needed to return to and my time was over.  It sucked, but it had to happen.

She’s been gone a number of days now and I miss her badly.  I admit it, I’m a fucking sap.  I’m trying very hard to keep my game face on and drive forward.   It’s a good thing that I am adept at compartmentalizing my life because I need to keep this in the right perspective.  While I wish that she were here with me, I know that’s not a possibility because of her home and professional life back there in Texas.  Sure, if she lived closer to me it would be easier, but easy isn’t always convenient when we need it to be.

Long distance relationships are hard as fuck.  And this particular relationship has a couple of other slightly challenging angles to it as well, but my intense love for her makes me determined to try to keep this together; to continue to see her as much as we can manage, while trying hard not look too deeply into the future.  You never really know what will happen down the proverbial road.  While it is hard sometimes not to wish into the future, it is more realistic to stay in the present.

 

I’ve been slowly reorganizing my house.  Put the antique highchair away, out of my sight so I don’t see it and think of little Bean’s face and her infectious giggles.

I slept the first 3 nights after my girl left on my living room couch, being in denial I chose to avoid my bed and the memories it silently held.

Yesterday I cleaned my car out and while vacuuming the back seat one of Bean’s red plastic balls rolled out to say hello.  And her wipies were in the way-back area…little subtle reminders of some very wonderful days and a super sweet little girl.

Doing laundry I spotted a tiny sock…then found some of my girls clothes in the dresser where I usually store the dog’s bath towels.  Sigh.  The clothes even faintly held her scent.

There’s one helping of blueberry cobbler left in the fridge that I’m reluctant to eat because I know it’s the last thing she made for me.  I just want to open the fridge and remember her delight in making something for me that I love so much.  I’ll have to finish it today, or it will become a science project in the near future.  And I don’t want that!

So, yeah, I miss her wicked, wicked bad.  I haven’t let myself cry about it or get overly emotional.  I keep trying to just stay in a neutral space in my head.  Don’t over think it.  Easier said than done, but at least I’m giving it the good ole Butch try!  I can’t always control what my heart feels, but I can choose how I am going to deal with it.  I’m still figuring that out right now – the dealing with it part that is – so stay tuned.

———

In other rather mundane news of my life…the dogs are doing great. They were stellar little souls while my visitors were here.  I am pretty proud of them.  Lulu is growing up and maturing quite nicely.  She finally gets it when she’s outside and I tell her to “go to the house,” she runs right up the porch stairs and to the door.  She’s about 75% responsive at this point; it’s a work in progress for sure.  Nola, of course, is VERY well trained and generally knows what I am going to tell her before I even speak.  She’s intuitive as fuck.

I got the house all nice and clean this morning, I just need to wash floors and it will be completely done…for another few days.  It’s a bitch keeping up with it sometimes, but I do like a clean and functional living space.  I can be a little neurotic about it sometimes, but generally, my mantra is “clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy.”  And that’s basically how it works out.  But today I even washed the covers to the dog’s stair units and some rugs.  It’s always something and never really feels “done”.

I took the last week that my girl was here off from work.  Started back last Friday and it’s nice to see everyone again.  That job keeps me on track.  Without it I would have endless time on my hands that I don’t need to have!  It’s not my long-term plan to stay with that job, but for now, it’s working to my advantage and it’s good for me – gets my ass up in the morning and makes me think.

I named the marijuana plant I am growing Hilda.  It’s doing magnificently.  I’ve been taking photos of Hilda daily, marking her progress to maturity.  I am thinking I may print a chronology out and make her a book…my first grown since I was a young hoodlum.

It’s been a lot of fun watching the plants grow.  There are actually 2 of them.  But Hilda has really gone crazy with growing!  I haven’t done anything special, just put them into my veggie garden after fertilizing it with cow manure compost earlier this Spring.  They looked pretty pathetic for a couple of weeks and then the magic started to happen.  It seemed they were sprouting new leaves and gaining in height and width daily!  Here she is yesterday…

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She’s just started getting her silvery hairs near the tops where the buds will soon begin to form.  I have a buddy who’s going to come by and give me some pointers and help with cloning 12 plants from this one, plus will also walk me through the next couple of months of the process, including cutting the buds and processing the plant.  I’m fucking excited as hell!

I hope all of you, my dear readers, are having just as fantastic of a summer as I am having!  Fall is coming soon, my girl visits again in October – sans child this visit – and I’m looking forward to that very much.  It just feels so right when she’s here with me; by my side and in my every day.

Peace.  ~  MB