Closet or Not?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic, I watched a video on YouTube about whether it’s okay or not to stay “in the closet” about your sexuality if you are LGBT forever or not.  This gave me a lot to think about because I am currently talking to someone who IS living in the closet, and I am not.

Personally I  could never live my life permanently in the closet.  I can’t imagine what that would be like.  I can’t imagine being afraid that someone would “find me out” and what it would mean if they did.  I have lived most of my life out and proud.  It’s just the way it happened for me.  I came out to my family when I was getting out of the Army, around 22 yrs old, and I have never looked back and thought I shouldn’t have done it.  It’s made my life so much more enriched and so much easier as I have never had to hide anything about my true identity.

Coming out is a very personal thing.  I’ve never been a big believer in a particularly “loud” coming out.  I think they way that I did it, by coming out to people on an “as needed” basis was right for me.  I know some people really want to make a big deal out of it, but I am a more private person and never felt it was a big deal at all.  It is just who I am.  In my way of thinking my sexuality is no one’s business but my own.  If the need to tell someone that I am a gay woman comes up, it’s because they are either questioning me about it or they are wanting to “fix me up” with their male friend.  Never have I found it necessary to just come out to anyone without reason.  My family had reason because I am close to them and they see who I spend all of my time with and when I am most happy in the company of another woman.  They needed to know.

So, I am becoming very attached to this woman, Beach Babe, that I’ve been talking to and I have been thinking about what it would be like to be dating someone who is “in the closet.”  She lives quite a ways from me, so it’s not like we have had to deal with this yet.  But when we are together what will it be like for me? For her?  Will she be afraid that she will be seen with me and be found out?  How has she handled this in the past?  Has she ever been with someone who is so blatantly out like I am?  Who lives their lives as an openly lesbian woman?  Who is so Butch that they cannot hide and whoever they are with will be deemed to be gay as well?  These are all questions I have about this.  I haven’t seriously gotten into any sort of a deep conversation with her about it.

I understand that she has lived closeted all of her life because of religious views of her and her family, and now because she fears losing her job.  She has a job working with teenagers, and fears that if their parents knew or the boss knew that she is lesbian that it would cause problems and maybe cause her to lose her job.  I couldn’t even imagine what that must feel like; what it would be like to have to hide part of myself like that.

She seems to think it’s not a big deal.  But we haven’t been with each other in public so I don’t know exactly how far in the closet she is.  I guess I will find out when we meet in May.  I will NOT like hiding myself.  I will NOT do it.  There is no way I can “act” or “look” straight, like she does.  I don’t know if she has ever dated a Butch like me; a Butch who looks the whole stereotypical part.  Does she understand that to be seen with me is to be “seen”?

Can I date someone who is still in the closet at 46?  I am not 100% sure.  But I really like this woman and do want to find out.  The other piece of this is the distance thing.  Guess she and I have some conversations to have…

 

Ruminate…

via Daily Prompt: Ruminate

My Horoscope for Today:

“You may feel somewhat open or vulnerable today. It could be that you’re allowing more of your authentic self to be seen by your friends or loved ones. Perhaps you’re taking a chance by attempting to make a new connection with someone you don’t know very well but would like to become closer to. If you’re feeling vulnerable today, try to invite more love into your life, even if you are afraid of rejection. An emotional risk could be a chance worth taking, so allow yourself to express what is on your mind or in your heart. Try to be completely open and honest. If you don’t censor yourself and let your true self show, you will create real connections with people.” 

This all really ruminates with me, I am totally in this space of allowing more of my authentic self to be exposed to my friends and loved ones. I have been getting to know someone more, and have been slowly learning about her, and she about me. I find it to always be taking a chance to let someone new into my life on an intimate basis.  But without taking that chance, and being my authentic self, I could be passing by a really awesome friendship or relationship. And I’m too old to let a chance like that get by me.

I had a really super productive weekend here at home.  I deep cleaned my house, caught up on all of the laundry and got things very organized.  I even got new shelving in the shed and got that more organized.  It feels great to have everything around me in it’s place.  Now to keep it well organized and picked up is all I need to do.  That and my normal weekly cleaning of everything I normally tend to, like changing my bed sheets, vacuuming and washing the floors as necessary.  I have to vacuum quite frequently because of the amount of Nola and Lulu hair that accumulates in the form of hair balls and dust bunnies.  Being ADHD I always do better when things are right in the world around me.  I even got the new knobs on the cabinet doors, although I am having screw-length issues with the draw pulls.  Seems that I need longer machine screws than those that came in the package with the pulls, and I got some longer ones but they were too long.

I’ve been doing better with my depression lately.  I take an anti depressant medication, and I think that I was on too high a dose, which was messing with me.  I’ve cut my dose in half and that seems to be doing the trick without the side effects.  I did discuss the change with my doctor and she was in agreement that I should try the lower dose.  I seem to be adjusting to it well, and my moods have stabilized very quickly.

I am starting to participate in a therapy group.  It’s for addiction issues and should be a good thing for me.  I haven’t done group therapy for years, my last group was of people dealing with living with HIV.  I liked it except that they were so focused on “dying” from HIV and not “living” with it.  I wanted more from the living aspect, and not the dying.  I had decided a long time before that that I would find a way to be at peace with my virus.  I take my medication, remain undetectable and keep very high T-cell counts.  Meds now consist of 3 pills once a day – a far cry from the 90’s and the handfuls of medications they threw at us to see what worked.  I’ve been lucky, I’ve taken pretty good care to stay healthy and to adhere to my medication regimen.

The new group will focus on addiction issues.  I am at a point where things are going relatively well in that area of my life.  I’m taking good care to stay clean and sober.  I have a whole new attitude and find that life is just far easier this way.  Plus I care deeply for the people in my life and want to keep them there.  LIVING successfully clean is my goal.   Sure, I will always fight addiction on some level, but I won’t let it beat me.

(written last weekend…finished today)

Early Morning Rantings!

Once again I am awakened at 2am, just am not meant to sleep like a normal person should right now.  I wake up and I am just…up…no going back to sleep in the immediate future.

I had a really great conversation with a great woman that I have been talking to lately.  It wasn’t an easy chat at all, but it was good for both of us I believe.  I confided in her a good bit about my addiction history, and she didn’t go running away like a scared cat. Addiction is not an easy topic to navigate and I admire her for her inquisitiveness on the topic, as it is a big part of who I am and why I am.  I look forward to more conversations with her, about everything.  She is someone I very much want to keep in my life.  🙂

Today was a bit hectic, but seriously productive. I worked til 1pm and then got together with my best friend and went to do our Friday afternoon errands around town.  Every Friday we have a ritual of doing this.  It’s called living paycheck to paycheck.  We get paid, go out and pay our bills, do the shopping for our respective households and take care of whatever else needs doing in town.  It is a struggle sometimes, but I make it work somehow.  And I realize that there are millions of others who are making it work this way as well.  It’s not easy in today’s economy or job market to do it any other way – especially if you don’t have a college education to fall back on, which I don’t.  Sometimes it feels likeI am always trying to play catch up on things, but hey, that’s just how it is.  I do alright.

I visited Trader Joe’s grocery this afternoon, I love that place!  I actually requested an employment application when I was checking out, and the woman who checked me out told me it was a super great place to work.  Everyone in there seems pretty pleasant and happy to be there, so they must enjoy the job.  I love the diversity of people in the place, from old hippies, to housewives, to young dykes, it’s just a palate of different people. They must have a really good company equality policy.  I am going to research the company a bit just to be sure that I would be a good fit there.

I also visited Staples office supply store on my excursion about town.  I needed a ream of copy paper.  They had a really good deal on some excellent quality paper that I had to take advantage of!  That is another place I could picture myself working.  Although a bit more “stuffy” than Trader Joe’s eclectic atmosphere, it would be fun.  I was in the corporate business world for many years and used to frequent the place quite a bit for supplies for my company.  I imagine working with people who were doing the same thing would be right up my alley in skill sets. And being the techno nerd that I am, I can imagine I would probably reinvest in the company and that might not be a good idea!  I’d be buying stuff like crazy.

Meanwhile, in Trumpy-land the Twitterverse is running wild with Trumpy stuff.  This Russian connection thing is really getting out of hand, Jeff Sessions needs to resign and a full investigation needs to ensue.  It just has to happen to put this subject into some sort of understandable terms. I was Tweeting with a friend in Texas who is petrified right now.  Being our age and queer isn’t going to be an easy path under Trump as he keeps going along with ripping away our rights and equalities.  It’s also just plain scary as an American, not withstanding being a part of the LGBTQ community!   Everyone seems to feel the impending doom of being attacked in some way by all of the executive orders and wild things that Trump and his team are doing or proposing to do.  I know I’m fucking scared.

Living in Maine has some pretty unique advantages.  Where I live especially because geographically it’s a great spot.  Right between Boston Mass, and Portland Maine.  I can be at the beach in 5 minutes, in the White Mountains in less than an hour and to either of the two cities in about 45 minutes.  Geographically it’s fucking perfection.  Maine also has a good equality rating. I just read an article in the Bangor Daily News about Maine being at the top when it comes to gender equality.  We also have good protections for the LGBTQ citizens here too.  I am glad that I live in this type of state.  From personal experience I can say that there IS really good gender equality.  Maine women are a fierce and tough lot.  Especially those from “down” Maine, which is actually upstate Maine…it’s a Maine thing…those women are hardened by the lifestyle of living in a very rural state, where you have to be fairly tough to survive.  I live in the more populated area, it’s a bit easier to navigate life here, but my cousins are down Mainers’ and they are not to be messed with.  The women are equal to the men up there in so many ways, they do equal work and expect equal pay. And truth be known, I believe they run the whole fucking show!  I have a healthy respect for my down Maine women cousins. They take no prisoners.

I hope your weekend is a great one!  Signing off from southern Maine….Peace!  ~MB

 

Vlogging on YouTube, and more…

Ah!  I managed to actually sit down and film a vlog on YouTube tonight.  I haven’t been that interested in keeping up with my vlogging on there in the last year or so.  Just didn’t appeal much to me.  The “old crowd” of dedicated individual YouTubers seem to have faded into the proverbial woodwork.  Now it’s mostly big vloggers like Jenna Marbles and the such.  More power to ’em.  If you can make that kind of cash doing silly videos on that platform then go for it.  Me?  I manage to make a buck thirty a month on mine.  Chump change.

I had a really interesting day.  I had to go to district court to appear for a ticket that I got picked up on back in September.  Stupid me.  Anyway, I got the case continued until mid-February and hope to have it filed at that time.  Sometimes we just make choices that we later deem “mistakes” that come back to haunt us.  I did that exact thing. Last night I was incredibly nervous, and I sort of shut the world out while I dealt with my case of nerves.  Once I got there today and dealt with it head on I felt a whole lot better.  Hopefully by February when I have to go back my lawyer will have handled it and I will be okay.  I have a very clean record and would like to keep it that way.

I have been in a great mood tonight.  I got to talk to Beach Girl for a while on the phone and she made me smile from ear to ear and feel a little like a teenager in puppy love.  I haven’t dated in so long that I think that I have forgotten how to act sometimes.  We had a great conversation tonight and we’re really getting much more relaxed with one another, which feels great.  I had built a wall around myself to kee[p this kind of stuff (feelings and shit) at bay, but I’ve been slowly letting down my wall with her.  She has a way of making me less afraid to do so, and I trust her.  I’m discovering she’s a really awesome woman.

Tomorrow is my mid-week day off and I have a ton of stuff to do.  I’ve got to get over to the hospital in the morning and have blood drawn for my quarterly T-cell/Viral Load counts to be done.  I am pretty sure they will be stellar this quarter. I’ve been spot on with my medications, taking them as scheduled every day.  So the results should be high T’s and hopefully an undetectable viral load.  Undetectable=uninfectable.  Which is my goal. My check in appointment is next Tuesday and I expect a very good visit with my specialist.  I’m healthy and happy, what more could I ask for?  🙂

I also have an eye doctor appointment tomorrow afternoon.  I need a new prescription bad.  My eyes have gotten worse and I notice that I am squinting a lot.  I need new glasses I think, which is going to have to wait until after the holidays for financial reasons.  Glasses are so damned expensive!  But I know I need a new pair, so I will make it my priority in January.

So I ‘m off to bed to have sweet dreams….I hope yours are equally as good!  Peace!  ~MB

2016-12-06-07-03-08

 

 

World AIDS Day 2016

I have been HIV positive since at least 1992 when I tested positive. That’s over 25 years now and counting.  This makes me what they call a “long-term survivor.”–for which I am very thankful. Today was World AIDS Day 2016.  I, like millions of others, stopped to remember those who have been lost as well as those who are still courageously living and fighting this virus every day.And tonight I watched as they turned Niagara Falls red in remembrance. It was very cool.  I watched live on Rise Up Against HIV ‘s live Facebook broadcast.  I liked that I got to participate like that too. It’s always been such a somber day for me.  Many years ago I stood up in front of a large  crowd at the local church, holding my year old niece in my arms, and spoke about living with this virus and wondering whether I would live to see her graduate.  Well, she’s almost 23 now and a marine biologist in Florida.  Not only did I see her graduate high school but cover as well.  I have been blessed for sure.

I know I am one of the lucky ones. I was infected in the late 80s when the drugs to combat the virus were not that good or available.  My treatments early on were horrible. I often suffered with side effects from them and it was miserable.  But I lived. I lived to see this day where I now take 4 drugs once a day to keep myself undetectable.  Which means that no virus can be found in my blood at this time.  My treatment is working.  My t cells are in the mid-600 range and I am healthy as hell.  I’m certainly one of the lucky ones and I know it.  I don’t take this life for granted; I know I have been given a second chance. Today I remember all of those I lost.

I have been blessed with the love a d support of my wonderful family and friends.  This is another respect in which I consider myself very lucky as so many don’t have this kind d of support in their battle with this disease. I feel for them.  I don’t know how I would live without the support and love I get from my family especially.  They have stood by me solidly all these years.  Yes, I am one lucky Butch.

On another note…I am trying to write every day now.  It’s something I have challenged myself to do from now on.  I am in need of topics and questions from you my dear readers!  I want to know what you would like me to talk about in these blogs; what interests you, what can I write about?  Please leave your comments below or email me directly at Mainelybutch@yahoo.com at your leisure. 

Peace.  MB

The Truth Hurts Sometimes

I’ve met more than one woman in my life journey that could not handle all of the technicalities of being with me.  I admit, I am not easy to process.  I have a bit of a troubled history.  Don’t read me wrong, I’m a good person with some high morals and ethics, but I’ve taken some forks in the proverbial road of life that others have managed to avoid.  I’ve had issues with drugs and addiction.  That’s probably the one thing that I’ve struggled with most in my entire life.  When I was young I sought out a safety net for myself and found it substance abuse and the people involved with it.  I wised up in my late 20’s and got clean and sober for many years.  I did the typical “mid-life crisis” shit in my mid 40’s and backslid a bit.

I strive to keep that stuff out of my life now.  I stay away from the “friends” that I have that are involved in that world now.  That’s a big part of how I am staying clean and following the good road now.  I tend to let myself be influenced by them if I hang around them, so now I avoid them and I avoid the whole drug scene.

It’s really hard to meet women as you get older.  Being single isn’t easy in your 50’s, believe me.  But add a history of drug addiction to the menu and it becomes even more difficult.  I completely understand that some people do not understand me or understand addictions.  That is just the way that it is.  When I begin to show interest in anyone I make sure that they know 3 things about me right up front – why?  Because I would rather they walk away sooner rather than after I become attached to them – or God forbid, fall in love with them.  what are my 3 things?  1.  I am Butch and that will never change.  2.  I live with HIV infection, which is under control but it’s a fact of life for me….which leads me to #3…I am a recovering drug addict.

Those 3 facts put me into a whole new space with people.  Either they are able to handle it, and give me a chance, or they are not, which is completely okay.  I get it.  Those are 3 major pieces of who I am.  I can’t hide them very well.   And I don’t want to pretend that I can.  Those 3 things are only a small fraction of what I am made of, but they are important if you are going to be involved with me – or even be a friend to me.  It’s important that you understand that I struggle with all 3 on a daily basis.  That doesn’t mean that I am unhappy – quite to the contrary, I am very happy in general.  But I am well aware that these 3 things make me “different” than the typical 55 year old lesbian with 2 dogs and a college degree.  I bring a whole different scene to the table.

I have lived with my addiction and my HIV for many years.  One lead to the other obviously.  Yes, I was an IV drug user and this is how I contracted the virus.  I’ve been clean for many years, fell off the wagon and got back on a few times.  So what is involved for me is knowing what triggers me to fall off and avoiding it altogether.  I’ve gotten pretty good at that, and I am proud to say that living clean and right is what I strive to do every day now.

It’s not easy being with someone who has addiction in their history, and it’s even harder when you add HIV.   I know the precautions to protect my partner from HIV but there is no protection from addiction.  No guarantee that I won’t relapse again, except for my sheer determination to stay on the straight path.  I don’t know how to reassure someone that I will stay on this path.  I guess they either have to believe me, or not.  There is no magic bullet or cure – for either condition.

I don’t want to pursue anything beyond a basic friendship with anyone who can’t deal with the baggage that I carry.  I know everyone has their struggle in life and their burdens to bear, mine are just a little more difficult for some people to understand, and that’s perfectly fine.  There are zillions of other people out there to be involved with, I am just one.

I have been fortunate to have been involved over the years, with women who gave me the benefit of doubt; who trusted me and tried to understand my complications.  I’ve sincerely appreciated them.  I’ve been lucky.

Right now I am trying to deal with quite a full plate of issues in my personal life.  I’ve avoided bringing anyone else into my life for this reason.  But I so want someone special in my life on a regular basis.  I would like to let down that wall that keeps me by myself.  I’ve punished myself for the past 2 yeas now and I’m sick and tired of it.  I’ve seen people who say they care disappear more than once.  I built a wall around myself, insulated myself from hurt and despair.  But it’s not a happy place all the time.  I want to learn to trust again, and to love again.

I’m a good person, I am strong, sensitive and caring.  I deserve to find someone good who can deal with life with me and who won’t be afraid of my past.  Someone who sees me for who I am now and not who I once pretended to be.  But how can anyone believe in someone who has such a history?  I don’t know if it can be done, which is exactly what I fear the most.  (although my ex did it for almost 14 years and never let it sway how she felt about me…so perhaps it could be possible again.)  I long for a good strong relationship that will endure.  Something beyond “just friends” –dammit, I want to be loved and understood.  Maybe it’s just too much to ask for at this point.

Ok, let me close this up before my mind explodes.  I am trying so hard to just be cheerful for the holiday season, and to keep on keeping on.  But tonight I was reminded of my flaws (see above) and it stung hard.  I am hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst – as always it seems.  Sometimes the truth just hurts.  There’s no way around it.

Peace.  ~MB

This Week…

2016-11-05-16-16-15I never title my posts until I am finished writing them.  How about you?  Do you start with a title or the body of your post?  It just occurs to me that maybe I am a bit weird in this respect.

It’s a cold day here in southern Maine.  I been freezing all damned day.  I got up this morning a little later than usual for me….I am usually up by 6 am but today I slept until 9.   Have been fighting being cold ever since emerging from my warm, snuggly bed.  I know.  It is November and I should expect to be chilly.  Doesn’t mean I like it though. And you all know Ijust hate winter anyway…and winter is in the air for sure.  T may even snow today.

I took some time today and stopped at the barber shop and got a nice fresh haircut.  It feels great to have it shaved back to my normal Butch style. Tips #3 blade on top and a #1.5 blade on the sides and back.  Squared off and edged out nicely.  Nothing makes me feel better about myself like a good visit to the barber. I did grow it out to about 3 inches on top….but it was driving me crazy. I do much better with my normal crew cut.  I was not meant to sport longer locks.

I’ve been doing much better this past week.  Been feeling a lot better and have had a good week all around.   Spent a good deal of my days working, which was okay.  I spent some needed time with my Mom and I got things done.

I’ve been chatting with a very sweet woman that I know. I am pretty shy but I’m trying hard. I struggle with letting people get too close to me sometimes.  Hell, all the time!  I am afraid of getting too close and getting hurt yet again. I have stayed clear of online stuff for a good long time now.  The last time I got my heart handed to me it was someone I met online.  I don’t care to repeat that episode. I’ve also decided that you can’t get back together with anyone.  Once you split up its over .  Getting back together is akin to trying to put crap back where it comes from…and that is just impossible.  Thus I am moving into new territory. I am enjoying my current situation and chatting with the new girl.  I do hope it is something I can build on and take a bit further. It would be great to have a steady woman in my life.

Lulu and Nola are doing quite well.  Lu’s itching issue is a bit better with the use of some benadryl and some hydrocortisone spray as a topical treatment. Thanks to those who replied to my blog about the problem.  I have done a lot of research and have concluded it is a dermatitis caused by her being allergic to something. I am just not sure what it issues reacting to. I gather her in a tea tree shampoo which helped her quite a bit.  And whatever it is is not affecting Nola at all, which is great.

The presidential election is this coming Tuesday.  I have very mixed feelings about it. Will be really glad when it’s over…I think.  I am petrified about the possibility of the outcome if Trump gets elected.  I am afraid he will piss off the whole world and make us look like fools.  Not that he hassn’t already done that byeverunning on his platform of hate.  If he’s elected I also fear how much war he will involve us in around the globe.  If she gets in office I am also not sure how I will feel. It’s a battle for sure.  Pour country is perched on the great divide at the moment.

Recently I bought a used Pontiac Grand Prix car.  Now I am not sure about it. I’ve discovered that it’s going to cost me quite a bit to put it on the road and funds are tight right now.  With winter upon me and oil bills coming soon I just can’t afford another big expense .  Social considering selling the car at a profit.  I bought it very cheap in a fast sale from a friend.  I know I can sell I for quite a bit more.  Selling it could help me out with some current bills and oil purchases this winter.  It’s probably my best bet.  I will take a good picture of it and list of online this week most likely.

I have been hanging out with my good friend Linda a lot lately.  It’s nice to have someone around to talk to and to prepare meals with and do fun things with.  She is a very straight friend, which is something I don’t even care about because shesjust a good soul to be around. We do lots of stuff together like visit the thrift stores and ride around town to do errands together.

I am fully back on my hiv meds once again.  That could have something to do with me feeling better as some of the meds are my anti depressants. I have set up my alarm on my phone to remind me to take them and I located my med holders to places where I am reminded too. Ts a bitch to have to take these meds all the time but I was reminded this last week that they are giving me a second chance and also aid in keeping me healthy. My next test and doctors appointment is in December.

OK friends, followers and cyber stalkers I have filled you in on most everything for this week.  I shall wrap it up here and go to co some chicken quesadillas for dinner.  I hope you all have a great time this week!  Remember to go VOTE on Tuesday!  Peace.  –MB