Sunday Reflection

As a good friend reminded me – and people on my Facebook page –

The divisiveness, the hate and the rhetoric has been there a long time.  Trump is just the catalyst that brought it into the bright light of day and made it acceptable.          (thanks ButchDK)

Last night I had to remove a nasty comment – from my own brother – on my Facebook page and block him.  While it made me both angry and sad to have to go to that extreme, I am just sick and tired of listening / reading the ignorant remarks of the minority few that still remain tolerant of hate and supportive of Trump.  And I came to the decision after some long thought, that I would not start deleting people from my life who act in this fashion.  Thus, any and all of those individuals continue to promote and invigorate this hateful rhetoric on any social media platform that I am part of and who either comment to me or directly promote this bullshit, will be deleted, erased, removed, unfriended, unfollowed and otherwise prohibited from communicating with me or across my pages.  Period.  End of Story.  I now have a ZERO tolerance policy on this issue.

Now, let’s turn our thoughts toward Spain.  The Barcelona terrorist bombing…I was very, very shaken by this bombing incident.  As many of you known I was very much involved with a young Spanish/American woman who resided in Barcelona a couple of years ago.  When I heard the breaking news of the bombing my heart jumped into my throat.  Was she okay?  Did it happen right near her, where I thought it happened?  I was very concerned and while I no longer had contact with her, I still care very deeply.  You can’t just turn off love…it doesn’t work that way.  So, I swallowed my Butch pride (and that’s a BIG fucking swallow) and emailed her at her work account, asking if she was alright.

Two days went by, no word.  I would tear up; get choked up when I thought about her.  She has this really vulnerability about her and I know that this kind of thing is very frightening to her.  I could only imagine how scared she was.  I kept trying to not think about her or the bombing…but it was all over US television and in my heart.  I understand that I chose to not be part of her life – or have her be part of mine – when things were “over” so to speak, because I just couldn’t do the “friends zone” stuff with her.  I would never have been able to move on and love another.  She had burrowed deeply into my thoughts, broken down my walls, crashed through the barriers and become someone I didn’t wish to let go of ever.  In the end I had to because moving on was what she wanted, and was doing, and I needed to do it also.  I know I’ve never talked about this, because it hurt too much until recently.  While I will always have space in my heart for her, I have moved on now.

She did answer my email.  She’s fine and yes, the bomb went off right in front of a business that she would frequent daily.  She was lucky not to have been there at that time. But she was fine even though it was very scary for her.  I thanked God, then I thanked her for responding and left it at that.  It was extremely hard for me to not want to talk to her further, to ask how she has been and how things were going in her life these days.  But I can’t know, I just can’t.  I need to focus on what I can have in this life; on those great things in store for me, and on the woman who loves me.

Terrorists are active around our world.  The past week of news stories happening around the world proves this.  Here in America we are engaged in internal strife and being divided as a people.  Abroad ISIS and the Jhadists are employing truck bombs and IED’s on civilian populations – such as in Barcelona.  It’s sad.  It’s infuriating.  It’s frustrating.  All of these things affect us all.  That is the goal of these terrorists – whether foreign or homegrown.  They want disruption, fear and chaos.  And sadly they are achieving that goal in many ways right now.  When will it stop?

I’m going to turn off the television today.  I need a day of rest from all of the news coverage coming in from around the world.  I am going to go outside, taking the dogs with me, and work in my garden.  I will paint my porches. And I will focus on what his here in front of me that is peaceful, beautiful and good in my life.  I will plant a perennial flowering plant in memory of Corey today.  And I will try to heal some of my broken parts just a tiny bit.

Peace.  ~MB






Scentsy Party Success!

My Scentsy party was a very successful event!  I had about 15 people attend.  We all drank wine and indulged in all of the food that I had made for about an hour then we had a presentation by the Scentsy consultant about the products and we all perused the catalogs, played with the scent samples, laughed and had a lot of fun.

I’m leaving the party open for orders until Wednesday, December 7th at 5pm.  I’ve gotten a couple of orders from readers here, which is great!  I love my Scentsy products so much and cannot say enough about them.  The warmers and wax bars make terrific Christmas gifts.  If you would like to check out the web page of products and perhaps place an order please let me know.  I am guaranteeing delivery in plenty of time for Christmas and Hanukkah.  I can ship anywhere in North America, Europe, Australia and New Zealand as well as to APO/FPO addresses.

I personally ordered 9 scented wax bars.  I use a Lavender scent, which is very relaxing, in the warmer in my bedroom, and I’m currently using the scent “World Traveler” in my living room, it has a really awesome clean scent. I also got a new wax warmer, the “Love” one from the catalog.  I got several free items for having the party, including beautifully scented laundry detergent and clothing conditioner (softener), some “Clean Breeze” room spray and a car bar to keep my car smelling good.

Everyone seemed to have a good time. It was the first time I have hosted a party of any kind here at my house.  And today marks my 1 year anniversary in this house!!!  Happy House Day!!!  I enjoyed getting to show the place off and having people enjoying themselves in my space.  Even Nola and Lulu were on their best party behavior, greeting each guest with enthusiasm and tail wags.

I also had two people who attended book their own Scentsy Parties for March and April 2017 respectively.  That gets me bonus points for free product! Yay!

I’m winding down now, I’m tired because I worked at making everything perfect, even getting up extra early this morning because I was nervous about having people over.  I wanted to make a good impression, which I think I accomplished.  Now I am trying to chill and relax for the evening.  I was thinking about going out Christmas shopping, but I think I would rather stay in and do some more writing tonight.  I’ve gotten several requests for writing about different topics, mostly either about the political climate here or about LGBT lifestyle.  I’ve got some work to do for sure!

Have a great night!  ~MB


Thanksgiving and Politics

I am becoming more alarmed as the days tick by…soon enough Trump will be sworn in as POTUS and I fear that day.  He’s surrounding himself with white nationalists, known racists and Nazi sympathizers.  As I heard today ” they’ve gone from wearing white hoods to business suits.”.  Which is exactly what I am seeing.  Emboldened by their new “leader” these outspoken haters are poised to basically take over in January.  I am very concerned and worried about what this means for all Americans; for civil rights, women’s rights, the LGBTQ fight for equality as well as just for living in the US at all.  I’m seriously afraid that our country will be commandeered by the alt right and a truly hate filled agenda.  How can I not be afraid of this when every days events happening around Trump are so bluntly indicating that this is the direction that he is determined to take us?

My best friend is sick of hearing about it.  She says she’s tired of watching it on the news.  She’s a straight white woman in working class America who’s upbringing was southern based.  She obviously sees this a bit different from me. It upsets me that she feels so overwhelmed by it all that she wants to play ostrich and keep her head in the sand.  But she is entitled to think for herself and to do what’s best for her.  Personally I need to KNOW what is going on so that I am semi-prepared for what is to come.  I watch the news and various commentary to stay well informed.   Because I think it’s important to be well informed.

I am going to meet later today with a couple of people from the LGBTQ community who are trying to organize groups around the country of people to sort of gather, support each other, to speak out and to fight for what we believe in .  The idea is in its infancy but i believe it’s a great idea and want to be involved.  I hope we can build a community that transcends the brewing hatred and bigotry and becomes a force with a voice.

The holiday is on Thursday this week and I am — like many others out there — trying to plan my personal strategy for dealing with my family if politics comes up, which I am most certain it will.  There are Trump supporters in the mix and they know I am a liberal and hate the man.  If things go as they have in the past someone will start making little snide wise cracks about the “tree hugging liberals” and I will begin to silently fume.  I have tried to educate in the past to no avail.  I am preparing myself for what could be a very aggravating day.  My only hope would be if my Mom declares it a politics free zone…even then they will gloat.  I know other people will have it even more rough.  One woman on Facebook was saying her parents told her she could not park her car at their house with the HTC sticker on it on Thanks giving because they believe that sodomy is an abomination and they won’t have it at their house.  She’s an ally, and the parents are evangelical in nature.  Yup, it will be a hard day for many I am sure.

I hope that YOU have a wonderful holiday.  I’m going to try to make most of mine enjoyable by focusing on love and tolerance.  Are you going to be dining with people of opposite views this Thanksgiving?  How do you handle it if a controversial subject comes up?  Does your family try to understand your views?

Much thanks to you, my dear readers.  May the force be with you .  Peace.  –MB


Ang sketch

Love is just a giant little word.  One I am afraid of and have really only said and meant a very few times in my life.  Sure, there is platonic love like how you love a friend for being a friend, or parental love as in how we love our parents.  But there is also a thing called romantic love.  Romantic love is what I speak of here.  I have an issue with it evidently.   When I was younger and more outgoing I chased after love like it was an intoxicator that I just had to have to breath; to live.  But now in my older age here I do far less chasing after this type of love.

Currently I am in a long distance relationship with my lover from Virginia.  Long distance love just sucks when what you crave is the daily touch of another human being.  I want her hands on my body, her kiss upon my lips.  I want the sigh of a woman in my ear.  Distance just keeps all of this from me in a way that feels so cruel and stinging.

Love is one of those emotions I used to try to steer clear of for a few of the more recent years.  I don’t feel like I am very easy to understand for most people, therefore not very loveable to them either.  My exterior is a bit on the harder, rough side and I can be quite stoic in my emotions.  But believe me when I do crack and cry the tears flow like rivers.  It’s not that I mean to be sort of shut down sometimes, but I often am afraid of what to say and don’t want to make mistakes by saying the wrong things.  I tend to speak my mind and that’s not always a good thing I have learned.

Love is a very personal thing for me.  It never has come easy.  I am wary of being burned and thus I take my time with someone.  I have to know that the person loves me that same way that I love her.  I’m a very chivalrous type of Butch, I like to do things that some consider to be male attributes, like pull out her chair, open her car door and entry doors to buildings.  I believe it’s very easy to be kind and chivilrous at the same time.  I’m also one who likes to take care of my woman, make sure she’s happy and contented.  The happier the wife the happier the life!  And that is one very true statement.  And the happier she is the happier I can also be.

As you can see from this post Love has been on my mind heavily lately.  I’m hungry for the touch of another body, and for some ah-mazing sex.  But alas I remain alone here and committed to the path I am walking right now.

Peace!  ~MB

Just a Bit…

I was just reminded tonight that I have not blogged in quite a while, so I should put something together here and let you all know that I am doing stupendously well!  things have really been turning around for me, I’m getting myself together and it feels great.

The weather helps a lot, it’s been like summer here for a couple of weeks now, in the 80’s and sunny almost every day.  Honestly, we could use some rain as everything is very dry and parched.  I have to water my plants almost every night. And my outside water spigot is not working, so I am having to bucket water from the house out to the gardens and water each plant by hand.  Pain in my ass.  But my gardens, both flower and veggetable, are looking pretty damned great if I do say so myself.  I’ve put in all of the flowers that I am going to do for this season, maybe in the fall I will add some bulbs for tulips and daffodils next spring.  But for this year all the perennials are in and doing quite well.  They’ll all come back next season and it will look even better as the whole garden comes together and matures.  I will try to add some recent photos of the flowers I am growing at the end of this blog.

Health wise I am doing awesome as well.  I’m over the scare and stuff from the beginning of the month.  Doctors all say that I am doing well, altough I have some more neurological blood testing to be done, some enzymes are off for some reason.  I don’t understand most of the medical mumbo-jumbo, but I can follow directions.  I am doing well with the relapse too, haven’t touched a thing since I ended up in the hospital.  I can look back now and see all those things that triggered it in the first place too.  I was on the phone with someone tonight and she reminded me of the stresses that I was under, which probably helped lead to my relapse.  Anyway, that’s behind me now, and it’s staying there for good!

The dogs are doing great.  My Dad bought them both matching rainbow collars at the local Strawberry Festival that we attended together with my Mother this last weekend.  I thought it was quite sweet of him to give them those collars, and it was his mild way of showing support for me as well.  Being a staunch Republican he and I don’t talk much about politics or anything about the LGBT issues.  I’d rather not get into that with him.

So at work things are going well.  But I am about tired of being called “sir” all the time.  Summer doesn’t help, I wear a t-shirt (company issued) and black jeans and boots to work every day. It’s obvious that I have a flat chest (as I like it) and I keep my hair in a crew cut….so perhaps some would say I am asking for it. Yes, I am very masculine and present as very androgynous.  But when you thank someone do you have to add “sir” or “m’am” to the end of it?  Can’t we keep things more neutral and just say “thanks”?  Today I counted….11 “sirs” – a couple of them I swear were in a sarcastic kind of way, which irks me to no end.

I have really been trying to be more social lately, going to the fairs and festivals, attending parties that I usually didn’t go to, and being more friendly and nice to people in general.  I feel the change in myself as well, I’m loosening up and it feels good.  I’ve even been making plans for the rest of the summer, little things here and there to make sure that I stay out and involved in life.

So, that’s what’s going on with me.  Just an update of sorts.  I hope that you are all doing well and are in the best of health and spirits —AND enjoying this lovely Spring/Summer!!!!    Peace!!!  ~MB

Vulnerability…and a story

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

I feel often like I just don’t have the right words for various situations.  I can’t say anything right, as much as I put myself out there. I open myself up thus I am almost always in a vulnerable stance just trying to be brave and walk through.  In listening to Brene’s talks (various ones) on the subject of vulnerability and shame I realize that without vulnerability things just don’t happen; people lose their courage.  And being vulnerable is having that courage to keep going; to do what it is that we need to do or that we feel compelled to do.

There are times when I feel more vulnerable lately, that I can put my finger right on the feeling like:

  1. when I take medications to stay alive 3 times a day, the reminder that I am vulnerable to health related stuff is very prominent.
  2. I feel vulnerable when I am around my aging parents and I think that I may not have too much longer to enjoy them, then I question whether I am valuing them enough, even when I am damned sure trying my hardest to be the best I can be by them.
  3. When I am trying to talk to a woman I am interested in, my fear of rejection makes me very vulnerable, but I try to have the courage and just do it.

Story time….

I know I haven’t always been a walk in the park for them.  I gave them some serious trouble and a run for their money.  I was a tough kid, a confused kid and certainly caused my share of trouble.  I think the first time I got caught doing something wrong other than not putting my toys away right, was when I got caught with a porn magazine in my garage rafter fort.

This was probably the most memorable and earliest time I can think of that I felt shame and vulnerability in my young life.  I had built a platform high up in the rafters of the old tin garage we had.  The structure itself was pretty rickety from decades of being subjected to the harsh climate of southern coastal Maine.  It had been patched up, altered, added on to, subtracted from and abused in just about any way that was suitable for whatever it’s current use was supposed to be. At one time it served as a barn for a couple of old cows, I remember those being there, and a couple of pigs living in an adjacent shed that is now gone.  That was before we lived in the house, my cousins were renting it then and had farm animals.  When we bought the house the evidence of the farm animals residing there in the old tin shed was quite obvious.

We used the old shed for a bazillion things, everything from actually storing a car, which barely fit, and you couldn’t open the doors very far so ya had to be skinny as fuck to get in and drive it out of there.  It was my uncles’s old wood side panel station wagon, affectionately called the “Woodie”My Uncle, Dad’s half brother lived with us for a short time in the 70’s…it was short too, Dad booted his ass for continually coming home drunk.Dad was strict about that shit, he didn’t want any of his kids to be around alcohol in any way. I never saw the guy drink more than 2 beers on a Sunday while watching the ball game and I certainly never saw him drunk.

I think my Uncle was drunk most of the time, he was loads of fun!  I do remember that and he used to bring home some awesome things and once he brought home a used, beatu up but functional Honda 50 mini bike….for me!  And then he fixed it up and did a bunch of modifications to it and made it into a little mini-chopper! I had the only Honda 50 chopper tin town,  It was a bitch to drive in the woods and trails I do recall. I wish I could find a photo of that mini bike now.  I did love that thing, and it was my first introduction to feeling really masculine doing something. heres’ a picture of one, not mine but similar.Mini bikeSooo….where the fuck was I going with all of this?   Ah!  My rafter fort. And the porno book.  I only got caught with it because someone told on me!   She was a good girl and knew that I wasn’t supposed to have the explicitly detailed book that I had found on the side of the road up near the bar on the main road.  it must have fallen out of someone’s car or been thrown out.  Either way, it was just laying there saying “pick me up”  And I did.  She asked her mother if it was alright for me to have it, and of course her mother marched right up the road to see my mother immediately and the two of them confiscated the book.

I had a couple of old tires up in the rafter fort, I would hide things like cigarrettes and matches in an old snuff tin that I had gotten from my grandfather.  I would keep my pen and notbook up there so I could write when I wanted to, and I kept some of the books I was reading up there.  I would get out of school days and retreat to that little secluded fort and would be happy as hell reading, writing and trying to learn how to smoke cigarettes.

Now getting caught with it was very embarrassing.  Plus it resulted in foreclosure on my fort.  Down the fort came, and Dad wasted no time taking it down board by board.   I think the embarrassment was sufficient enough, I was pretty damned ashamed of myself for displeasing my father (who I have tried to please all of my life, but that’s another story).  The book was a novel type and didn’t have many pictures except in the middle of the book where they tipped in a set of erotic shots.  No big deal but not suitable reading for a 6th grader.

I then had to start at ground zero on the fort front and find a new location and set up.  The next fort would be further from the house…an ground level stone fort.  Yup, I was a fort builder from way back.  *smirk*

I felt vulnerable in the case with the book for several reasons.  First, I didn’t hide the book well enough, I wasn’t a good enough hider!  Secondly I trusted the wrong person to know that I had the book, I was a bad judge of character.  Third, shame, I shouldn’t have had the book to begin with and was ashamed of myself.  Forth I was vulnerable through embarrassment of everyone of my siblings knowing that I had been caught with a “grown up sex book” as it got called.  The word pornography was far too large for a kids vocabulary at that time.

Anyone curious of the name of the book?  Linda Lovelace- Deep Throat.  NOT 6th grade reading!  LMFSAO

Getting caught with the book was the very beginning of my teenage troubles….it all just kind of snowballed from there, and not in a very good kind of fluffy snowball way.  But every experience leads us to who we are today, so I suppose I had to go through stuff to get right where I am in life and through having each and every experience I have had I have grown and learned…never stop growing and learning, and never be afraid to be courageous!

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
Brené Brown,


Post Christmas Day

Ah, Christmas Day is behind us once again…another year come and gone…I sit here this early morning thinking about it and considering that overall it was a very nice day.  I spent the better part of the day with my good friend Suretta and my large family, all of whom were very well behaved!  We hung out for a few hours drinking mimosas and talking, then we sat down – 17 of us at one very long nicely set table – and enjoyed a fine cut of prime rib roast with au jus, mashed potatoes, grilled asparagus (yes, we grill in December in Maine), broccoli, cranberry sause, awesome home made sweet bread and all the fixings.  It was truly delicious!   Prime rib is one of my most favorite red meats, although I don’t consume much red meat anymore out of concern for my health, but when I do it’s going to be a very good cut of prime rib or filet mignon.

After dinner was over and we went through the clean up and rearranging of the house we all sat down and began opening presents.  It was sweet to see ALL of my nuclear family in one place on Christmas day.  That has not happened in many, many years.  There was even a group picture taken afterwards, I hope to get that posted as soon as my sister gets it up on her Facebook.  It’s not often that we have all of the family together for a group picture like that, it’s been a couple of years now since the last time.  But when we do we make sure that our family photographer, my sister Deb, gets some good shots.

The kids are all growing up.  The youngest, the twins, are 12 now…it’s amazing how fast life happens.  The two of them got new HP computers for Christmas and were happy little people.  My nephew Hayden immediately put stickers all over his – just like I do with mine!  I know those computers will be a big help in my brother’s household where they were all using 2 laptops to do all the homework and household stuff, plus Steven using one to work from home on proposals on occasion.  Now hopefully the kids will take good care of their new units, and hopefully they’ve been pre-installed with virus and malware protection, as well as parental controls.  They’re good kids, but hey even us good kids can’t help but peek at a little smut and porn once in a while!  hahaha

I got more new clothes from my mother.  Luckily she knows my taste pretty good, and also I show her things when we are out shopping that I like.  So I got a nice Izod sweat shirt, 2 new pairs of flannel pajama pants (which means I need to cull my collection of pajama pants and get rid of some of them..tooo many!) a nice new button down shirt.  I also got my AAA+ membership paid for for 2015, some gift cards, a new journal, some gourmet coffee and a few other little trinkets.  I’m a very lucky and a very spoiled rotten Butch.

I am thinking that I may have to do a closet over-haul.  I’ve picked up quite a few new clothes the last month or so –those damned Christmas sales!  So now my closet – which is 8 feet long and 3 feet deep is chock full.  I need to figure out how to organize it better and perhaps even install a shelving system that will accomodate my clothes properly. I hate it when they are packed int here like sardines, it wrinkles them.  I’m not into ironing my own clothing much, but I will do it.  I’d rather take it to the dry cleaners and have them clean and press everything nicely.  But if I have to I can iron with the best of them, it’s an old Army skill.  The key is starch.

Yesterday before I got dressed I took the time to shine my black boots up.  That’ s a little chore that brings back so many memories of my days in the service.  And these were my black Timberland Pros, so they really looked great once I was done.  My brother even noticed them, with some envious eyes I might add.  Hell, they ARE great boots.

My other brother Paul was there yesterday.  I hadn’t seen him since one day last summer when I went over to his place to get some veggies from his gardens.  He’s the one who inherited my mother’s green thumb for sure.  He can grow anything.  It’s good to see him.  His life is so tumultuous with his long time girlfriend who is very volatile and explosive.  She’s not allowed near the rest of the family because of her bizarre behavior.  She can be quite abrasive and downright violent.  Not a good example for the kids to be allowing her to behave like that and then pretending it didn’t happen.  We did that a few times, but after she really hurt him physically once and ended up in jail for it we had to exile her from the clan.  I don’t know what he sees in her, she treats him so horribly, and is so screwed up herself.  I think he pities her in some ways, and I think he doesn’t think he’ll find another girl so he stays with her.  Not a reason to stay with someone in my book.  I’d rather be alone rather than live with that kind of volatility and abuse.  My mom and sisters and I all worry about him, we’re afraid she’s going to kill him in his sleep or something horrible like that one day.  She’s just that tweaked in the brain.  There are a million stories I could relate to back up these claims, but it’s not worth going into here.  I just wish he would break free from her and begin to live again.

I am due to go back to work tomorrow.  Ugh.  I’ve been out with a medical condition the last 10 days, per doctor’s orders.  Now, hopefully they won’t give me too much grief about getting back to work. Maybe they’ll let me go, I have no idea.  And if they did let me go, I wouldn’t cry one bit, I really dislike that job and could find another a little easier if I didn’t have to worry about this one.  I’m thinking I am going to look back in the smaller sector – outside of big corporate America once again.  Small business just suits me much better.  Hell, if I had the cash I would do something on my own again, a new start up.  That could be in my future, I’m just not sure which direction I want to take right now.  For the moment I will continue to try to work for someone else, but in the long run I should really try to get back tot he self-employed world.

All things to consider for 2015.  I’m not one to make New Years’ Resolutions….I just like to think about making each year better than the previous.  Although 2014 was a great year for me, so 2015 better step up to that plate!  I realize that it has been through some positive changes, a very positive attitude and hard work that I made 2014 good, so I must carry on those things; it’s all up to me.

I’m going to clean up Christmas today, put the tree away and get my cave here back in order.  I don’t like to let things just sit.  So I will pack it up for next year and put everything away except the snowmen and snow globes.  Yeah, crank on some good music and get my ass cleaning this house up; whip it back into shape for the coming new year.

I’ve really missed my Mushball terrible the last few days. She’s visiting with her family in Madrid.  It’s difficult on me when we can’t have our daily Skype conversations and we don’t text as much because we’re with our families.  I really hope that we find that time to spend together here very soon…Sometimes I wish my superpower was to teleport.  eh….