Life Just Got Very Real….

Whew.  I’m finally settled down enough to get a few words out on this blog.  My life has been one fucking crisis after another for the past 2 weeks.  First it was the drunken bum I had to take out the restraining order on last week and all my anxiety and angst over that whole ordeal, then this week I got myself into a heap of trouble with the judicial system.

Yes, I almost had a major relapse.  Addiction is a mother fucker. The opioid crisis is real.

It hits you when you are the most vulnerable.  I let my old coping mechanism take over briefly, I reached for the drug…the worst think I could have done while I was so stressed out over the happenings at home.  But…the law stepped in before I could use it and I found myself in violation of bail conditions and sitting in the county lock-up for 2 1/2 days before someone could raise the $1000 bail and get me out.  I’m totally ashamed of myself, but I think that things sometimes happen to you for a reason, and I think the cosmos designed this one to kick me in the ass and tell me to wake the fuck up and work my program harder!

I had been so busy tending to the ordeal with the drunk and getting my stuff back that I was not going to my group meeting or taking my Suboxone as I should have been doing.  The combination of the stress, anxiety, fear and then the lack of preventative Suboxone, and lack of necessary therapy put me in a place where somehow I thought it would be a nice idea to “escape” for a bit and do a little dope to relax me.  How fucking wrong is that!!?  That is the thinking of a raging addict.  That is the kind of thinking I MUST learn to change and stop listening to.  It’s like that little devil on one shoulder whispering in my ear, “just a little won’t hurt”….I cannot listen to him, he must be silenced!

All of this just days before hitting the 1 year mark of kicking my bad habit.  I swear, I could fuck up a wet dream sometimes.  It’s just not right.

I got to say though that sitting in a cell for 50-odd hours gave me plenty of time to think.  Mostly about why I didn’t want to be in that exact situation that I was in!  I am too damned old to be cuffed and stuffed!  It was a very vivid wake up call.  And now that I am fully AWAKE, I have to walk a VERY tight line or I’ll be using the prison system mail delivery for future blog posts.  That would truly SUCK.

THOUGHTS

I am fiercely happy to be free.  I’m trying now to put everything into perspective and to figure out how to amend this infraction.  The legality of it all is one thing, I have to deal with that over some time, court isn’t until January – actually my dispositional hearing is on my birthday – great huh?  I’ve emailed my attorney about the violation and the new charge (possession) and I’m sure she’ll guide me through the legal process of it all and I have to live by some very strict rules.  I signed a contract with Maine Pre-Trial Supervision.  Basically, I have to live a squeaky clean life or I go back to that hell hole called Cumberland County Jail, losing my freedom and losing ALL that I have worked so damned hard to have in my life.  That would devastate not only me, but my family, my dogs, my best friend and my girl.  So, that is NOT an option.  Squeaky clean I will be!

The personal and emotional angle of this happening is more difficult to “see” but let me tell you, it’s not pretty inside my head right now.  I feel like a bad boi who needs a good beating at the moment.  I knew better than to try what I tried, to try to dabble with the drugs again.  I knew better.  But I let the devil on my shoulder get his way momentarily, and it almost cost me everything.  That’s really scary for me.  Petrifying.  I don’t want to lose everything I have worked so hard for, even though material things can be replaced, it would really suck bad to have to start over again.  I do NOT want to go through that.

I am angry with myself for letting my Mom down.  She’s really helped me in getting clean and staying clean.  She’s believed in me, and supported me.  And I let her down.  I seriously breached her trust, and I know it.  THAT just wrecks me inside.  I cried more about that aspect of this stupid mistake than about anything else while I was in that concrete cell.  All I could think of was how my Mom was going to take this news.  I never want to hurt her, and I swore I wouldn’t do it again.  Then this happens.  So, I feel like a total failure with her.  That’s the most important thing for me to repair out of all of this mess.  I don’t want her to think that I’ve been lying to her and been using, because I haven’t!  I’ve been very good this past year.  I thought I had put this shit behind me, but then I let my guard down and addiction reared it’s ugly head.  I hate what this stupid disease does to those we love.

“We are all just one shot away from a hot shot”….someone said that to me tonight on the phone.  He and I were talking about what happened, and he reminded me that things happen for reasons, and perhaps the reason for this was that I was about to take that “hot shot” and this happening stopped me in my tracks.  Maybe this saved my life.

I am thankful to be alive.  I’m glad I didn’t get to do the dope and that I got caught – at least in a way I am glad.  Had I taken it and died it would have devastated my Mother and my family in ways I don’t even want to imagine.  So, this is perhaps, a blessing in disguise.

GOING FORWARD

I may have signed a pre-trial contract with the state that says I won’t use, but the one that I have signed with myself now is even more important.  I don’t want this stuff to be part of my life now, or ever again.

I am going to attend ALL of my group meetings and stay rigidly on my medication.  I won’t dick around and alter the doses or miss meetings anymore.  Staying clean has got to be my #1 priority – above ALL else.

I am going to keep myself busy and focused on recovery and abstinence.  I’ve added work hours to my week, changed up my schedule so that I am obligated to work every morning during the week.  This will help keep me focused and give me a little more purpose.  Plus I will need the money to cover the bail that was posted and pay the fines and fees I have due.

I am going to add to my treatment program by going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings in my local area.  As long as those meetings are safe…I do hear that a lot of dealing goes on behind the scenes of them, and I won’t let myself be put in a position where I am in danger of slipping again.  So, I’ll check out a couple of different meetings and pick one I can fit into my schedule that is safe for me to attend.

I will also see my personal counsellor on a more frequent basis, weekly instead of bi-weekly.  I think this is important.  To be in a space where I can work on myself; that will keep me on track and going down the best path possible.

There’s lots of other little things I will be doing or changing to keep myself from any temptation or from putting myself in a position that would hurt me.  I’ll do everything I can possibly do to make this work once and for all time.

CONCLUSION

In conclusion, I fucked up big time.  I now have to own it and rectify the situation.

I’m not dead.  I have been given another chance.  I’m going to really make this one count.

I have to believe in myself.  I am bigger than this, and I won’t let it take me backwards.

I am going to make this right once and for all.  I will NOT use or go near anyone who is using.  I will stay clean and sober, no matter what; no matter how stressed out or what happens, I can handle it without clouding my judgement with drugs.  I know I can.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  A great family, an awesome best friend, friends that love me, 2 loving little dogs, my home and my job.  I won’t put any one of those things at risk!

I won’t beat myself up over this, I just have to work to keep things good and right.  We all have our demons, this is mine.  And I just have to make peace with the demon and continue to live a good, clean life.  I will work to figure out why I do this, and I will work to build my “tool box” with the tools I need to use to fight it daily.  I can do it.

Thanks for reading.  I wrote this mostly to just get it out of my head and onto a platform where I can look back at it everyday and remind myself of my commitment.  Sharing this with the world will perhaps help to keep someone else from making a similar mistake.  Sharing our stories is important, and we all have one.  This is mine.

Peace.   ~MB

 

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Sunday Reflection

As a good friend reminded me – and people on my Facebook page –

The divisiveness, the hate and the rhetoric has been there a long time.  Trump is just the catalyst that brought it into the bright light of day and made it acceptable.          (thanks ButchDK)

Last night I had to remove a nasty comment – from my own brother – on my Facebook page and block him.  While it made me both angry and sad to have to go to that extreme, I am just sick and tired of listening / reading the ignorant remarks of the minority few that still remain tolerant of hate and supportive of Trump.  And I came to the decision after some long thought, that I would not start deleting people from my life who act in this fashion.  Thus, any and all of those individuals continue to promote and invigorate this hateful rhetoric on any social media platform that I am part of and who either comment to me or directly promote this bullshit, will be deleted, erased, removed, unfriended, unfollowed and otherwise prohibited from communicating with me or across my pages.  Period.  End of Story.  I now have a ZERO tolerance policy on this issue.

Now, let’s turn our thoughts toward Spain.  The Barcelona terrorist bombing…I was very, very shaken by this bombing incident.  As many of you known I was very much involved with a young Spanish/American woman who resided in Barcelona a couple of years ago.  When I heard the breaking news of the bombing my heart jumped into my throat.  Was she okay?  Did it happen right near her, where I thought it happened?  I was very concerned and while I no longer had contact with her, I still care very deeply.  You can’t just turn off love…it doesn’t work that way.  So, I swallowed my Butch pride (and that’s a BIG fucking swallow) and emailed her at her work account, asking if she was alright.

Two days went by, no word.  I would tear up; get choked up when I thought about her.  She has this really vulnerability about her and I know that this kind of thing is very frightening to her.  I could only imagine how scared she was.  I kept trying to not think about her or the bombing…but it was all over US television and in my heart.  I understand that I chose to not be part of her life – or have her be part of mine – when things were “over” so to speak, because I just couldn’t do the “friends zone” stuff with her.  I would never have been able to move on and love another.  She had burrowed deeply into my thoughts, broken down my walls, crashed through the barriers and become someone I didn’t wish to let go of ever.  In the end I had to because moving on was what she wanted, and was doing, and I needed to do it also.  I know I’ve never talked about this, because it hurt too much until recently.  While I will always have space in my heart for her, I have moved on now.

She did answer my email.  She’s fine and yes, the bomb went off right in front of a business that she would frequent daily.  She was lucky not to have been there at that time. But she was fine even though it was very scary for her.  I thanked God, then I thanked her for responding and left it at that.  It was extremely hard for me to not want to talk to her further, to ask how she has been and how things were going in her life these days.  But I can’t know, I just can’t.  I need to focus on what I can have in this life; on those great things in store for me, and on the woman who loves me.

Terrorists are active around our world.  The past week of news stories happening around the world proves this.  Here in America we are engaged in internal strife and being divided as a people.  Abroad ISIS and the Jhadists are employing truck bombs and IED’s on civilian populations – such as in Barcelona.  It’s sad.  It’s infuriating.  It’s frustrating.  All of these things affect us all.  That is the goal of these terrorists – whether foreign or homegrown.  They want disruption, fear and chaos.  And sadly they are achieving that goal in many ways right now.  When will it stop?

I’m going to turn off the television today.  I need a day of rest from all of the news coverage coming in from around the world.  I am going to go outside, taking the dogs with me, and work in my garden.  I will paint my porches. And I will focus on what his here in front of me that is peaceful, beautiful and good in my life.  I will plant a perennial flowering plant in memory of Corey today.  And I will try to heal some of my broken parts just a tiny bit.

Peace.  ~MB

 

 

 

 

Scentsy Party Success!

My Scentsy party was a very successful event!  I had about 15 people attend.  We all drank wine and indulged in all of the food that I had made for about an hour then we had a presentation by the Scentsy consultant about the products and we all perused the catalogs, played with the scent samples, laughed and had a lot of fun.

I’m leaving the party open for orders until Wednesday, December 7th at 5pm.  I’ve gotten a couple of orders from readers here, which is great!  I love my Scentsy products so much and cannot say enough about them.  The warmers and wax bars make terrific Christmas gifts.  If you would like to check out the web page of products and perhaps place an order please let me know.  I am guaranteeing delivery in plenty of time for Christmas and Hanukkah.  I can ship anywhere in North America, Europe, Australia and New Zealand as well as to APO/FPO addresses.

I personally ordered 9 scented wax bars.  I use a Lavender scent, which is very relaxing, in the warmer in my bedroom, and I’m currently using the scent “World Traveler” in my living room, it has a really awesome clean scent. I also got a new wax warmer, the “Love” one from the catalog.  I got several free items for having the party, including beautifully scented laundry detergent and clothing conditioner (softener), some “Clean Breeze” room spray and a car bar to keep my car smelling good.

Everyone seemed to have a good time. It was the first time I have hosted a party of any kind here at my house.  And today marks my 1 year anniversary in this house!!!  Happy House Day!!!  I enjoyed getting to show the place off and having people enjoying themselves in my space.  Even Nola and Lulu were on their best party behavior, greeting each guest with enthusiasm and tail wags.

I also had two people who attended book their own Scentsy Parties for March and April 2017 respectively.  That gets me bonus points for free product! Yay!

I’m winding down now, I’m tired because I worked at making everything perfect, even getting up extra early this morning because I was nervous about having people over.  I wanted to make a good impression, which I think I accomplished.  Now I am trying to chill and relax for the evening.  I was thinking about going out Christmas shopping, but I think I would rather stay in and do some more writing tonight.  I’ve gotten several requests for writing about different topics, mostly either about the political climate here or about LGBT lifestyle.  I’ve got some work to do for sure!

Have a great night!  ~MB      MainelyButch@yahoo.com

 

Thanksgiving and Politics

I am becoming more alarmed as the days tick by…soon enough Trump will be sworn in as POTUS and I fear that day.  He’s surrounding himself with white nationalists, known racists and Nazi sympathizers.  As I heard today ” they’ve gone from wearing white hoods to business suits.”.  Which is exactly what I am seeing.  Emboldened by their new “leader” these outspoken haters are poised to basically take over in January.  I am very concerned and worried about what this means for all Americans; for civil rights, women’s rights, the LGBTQ fight for equality as well as just for living in the US at all.  I’m seriously afraid that our country will be commandeered by the alt right and a truly hate filled agenda.  How can I not be afraid of this when every days events happening around Trump are so bluntly indicating that this is the direction that he is determined to take us?

My best friend is sick of hearing about it.  She says she’s tired of watching it on the news.  She’s a straight white woman in working class America who’s upbringing was southern based.  She obviously sees this a bit different from me. It upsets me that she feels so overwhelmed by it all that she wants to play ostrich and keep her head in the sand.  But she is entitled to think for herself and to do what’s best for her.  Personally I need to KNOW what is going on so that I am semi-prepared for what is to come.  I watch the news and various commentary to stay well informed.   Because I think it’s important to be well informed.

I am going to meet later today with a couple of people from the LGBTQ community who are trying to organize groups around the country of people to sort of gather, support each other, to speak out and to fight for what we believe in .  The idea is in its infancy but i believe it’s a great idea and want to be involved.  I hope we can build a community that transcends the brewing hatred and bigotry and becomes a force with a voice.

The holiday is on Thursday this week and I am — like many others out there — trying to plan my personal strategy for dealing with my family if politics comes up, which I am most certain it will.  There are Trump supporters in the mix and they know I am a liberal and hate the man.  If things go as they have in the past someone will start making little snide wise cracks about the “tree hugging liberals” and I will begin to silently fume.  I have tried to educate in the past to no avail.  I am preparing myself for what could be a very aggravating day.  My only hope would be if my Mom declares it a politics free zone…even then they will gloat.  I know other people will have it even more rough.  One woman on Facebook was saying her parents told her she could not park her car at their house with the HTC sticker on it on Thanks giving because they believe that sodomy is an abomination and they won’t have it at their house.  She’s an ally, and the parents are evangelical in nature.  Yup, it will be a hard day for many I am sure.

I hope that YOU have a wonderful holiday.  I’m going to try to make most of mine enjoyable by focusing on love and tolerance.  Are you going to be dining with people of opposite views this Thanksgiving?  How do you handle it if a controversial subject comes up?  Does your family try to understand your views?

Much thanks to you, my dear readers.  May the force be with you .  Peace.  –MB

Love

Ang sketch

Love is just a giant little word.  One I am afraid of and have really only said and meant a very few times in my life.  Sure, there is platonic love like how you love a friend for being a friend, or parental love as in how we love our parents.  But there is also a thing called romantic love.  Romantic love is what I speak of here.  I have an issue with it evidently.   When I was younger and more outgoing I chased after love like it was an intoxicator that I just had to have to breath; to live.  But now in my older age here I do far less chasing after this type of love.

Currently I am in a long distance relationship with my lover from Virginia.  Long distance love just sucks when what you crave is the daily touch of another human being.  I want her hands on my body, her kiss upon my lips.  I want the sigh of a woman in my ear.  Distance just keeps all of this from me in a way that feels so cruel and stinging.

Love is one of those emotions I used to try to steer clear of for a few of the more recent years.  I don’t feel like I am very easy to understand for most people, therefore not very loveable to them either.  My exterior is a bit on the harder, rough side and I can be quite stoic in my emotions.  But believe me when I do crack and cry the tears flow like rivers.  It’s not that I mean to be sort of shut down sometimes, but I often am afraid of what to say and don’t want to make mistakes by saying the wrong things.  I tend to speak my mind and that’s not always a good thing I have learned.

Love is a very personal thing for me.  It never has come easy.  I am wary of being burned and thus I take my time with someone.  I have to know that the person loves me that same way that I love her.  I’m a very chivalrous type of Butch, I like to do things that some consider to be male attributes, like pull out her chair, open her car door and entry doors to buildings.  I believe it’s very easy to be kind and chivilrous at the same time.  I’m also one who likes to take care of my woman, make sure she’s happy and contented.  The happier the wife the happier the life!  And that is one very true statement.  And the happier she is the happier I can also be.

As you can see from this post Love has been on my mind heavily lately.  I’m hungry for the touch of another body, and for some ah-mazing sex.  But alas I remain alone here and committed to the path I am walking right now.

Peace!  ~MB

Just a Bit…

I was just reminded tonight that I have not blogged in quite a while, so I should put something together here and let you all know that I am doing stupendously well!  things have really been turning around for me, I’m getting myself together and it feels great.

The weather helps a lot, it’s been like summer here for a couple of weeks now, in the 80’s and sunny almost every day.  Honestly, we could use some rain as everything is very dry and parched.  I have to water my plants almost every night. And my outside water spigot is not working, so I am having to bucket water from the house out to the gardens and water each plant by hand.  Pain in my ass.  But my gardens, both flower and veggetable, are looking pretty damned great if I do say so myself.  I’ve put in all of the flowers that I am going to do for this season, maybe in the fall I will add some bulbs for tulips and daffodils next spring.  But for this year all the perennials are in and doing quite well.  They’ll all come back next season and it will look even better as the whole garden comes together and matures.  I will try to add some recent photos of the flowers I am growing at the end of this blog.

Health wise I am doing awesome as well.  I’m over the scare and stuff from the beginning of the month.  Doctors all say that I am doing well, altough I have some more neurological blood testing to be done, some enzymes are off for some reason.  I don’t understand most of the medical mumbo-jumbo, but I can follow directions.  I am doing well with the relapse too, haven’t touched a thing since I ended up in the hospital.  I can look back now and see all those things that triggered it in the first place too.  I was on the phone with someone tonight and she reminded me of the stresses that I was under, which probably helped lead to my relapse.  Anyway, that’s behind me now, and it’s staying there for good!

The dogs are doing great.  My Dad bought them both matching rainbow collars at the local Strawberry Festival that we attended together with my Mother this last weekend.  I thought it was quite sweet of him to give them those collars, and it was his mild way of showing support for me as well.  Being a staunch Republican he and I don’t talk much about politics or anything about the LGBT issues.  I’d rather not get into that with him.

So at work things are going well.  But I am about tired of being called “sir” all the time.  Summer doesn’t help, I wear a t-shirt (company issued) and black jeans and boots to work every day. It’s obvious that I have a flat chest (as I like it) and I keep my hair in a crew cut….so perhaps some would say I am asking for it. Yes, I am very masculine and present as very androgynous.  But when you thank someone do you have to add “sir” or “m’am” to the end of it?  Can’t we keep things more neutral and just say “thanks”?  Today I counted….11 “sirs” – a couple of them I swear were in a sarcastic kind of way, which irks me to no end.

I have really been trying to be more social lately, going to the fairs and festivals, attending parties that I usually didn’t go to, and being more friendly and nice to people in general.  I feel the change in myself as well, I’m loosening up and it feels good.  I’ve even been making plans for the rest of the summer, little things here and there to make sure that I stay out and involved in life.

So, that’s what’s going on with me.  Just an update of sorts.  I hope that you are all doing well and are in the best of health and spirits —AND enjoying this lovely Spring/Summer!!!!    Peace!!!  ~MB

Vulnerability…and a story

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

I feel often like I just don’t have the right words for various situations.  I can’t say anything right, as much as I put myself out there. I open myself up thus I am almost always in a vulnerable stance just trying to be brave and walk through.  In listening to Brene’s talks (various ones) on the subject of vulnerability and shame I realize that without vulnerability things just don’t happen; people lose their courage.  And being vulnerable is having that courage to keep going; to do what it is that we need to do or that we feel compelled to do.

There are times when I feel more vulnerable lately, that I can put my finger right on the feeling like:

  1. when I take medications to stay alive 3 times a day, the reminder that I am vulnerable to health related stuff is very prominent.
  2. I feel vulnerable when I am around my aging parents and I think that I may not have too much longer to enjoy them, then I question whether I am valuing them enough, even when I am damned sure trying my hardest to be the best I can be by them.
  3. When I am trying to talk to a woman I am interested in, my fear of rejection makes me very vulnerable, but I try to have the courage and just do it.

Story time….

I know I haven’t always been a walk in the park for them.  I gave them some serious trouble and a run for their money.  I was a tough kid, a confused kid and certainly caused my share of trouble.  I think the first time I got caught doing something wrong other than not putting my toys away right, was when I got caught with a porn magazine in my garage rafter fort.

This was probably the most memorable and earliest time I can think of that I felt shame and vulnerability in my young life.  I had built a platform high up in the rafters of the old tin garage we had.  The structure itself was pretty rickety from decades of being subjected to the harsh climate of southern coastal Maine.  It had been patched up, altered, added on to, subtracted from and abused in just about any way that was suitable for whatever it’s current use was supposed to be. At one time it served as a barn for a couple of old cows, I remember those being there, and a couple of pigs living in an adjacent shed that is now gone.  That was before we lived in the house, my cousins were renting it then and had farm animals.  When we bought the house the evidence of the farm animals residing there in the old tin shed was quite obvious.

We used the old shed for a bazillion things, everything from actually storing a car, which barely fit, and you couldn’t open the doors very far so ya had to be skinny as fuck to get in and drive it out of there.  It was my uncles’s old wood side panel station wagon, affectionately called the “Woodie”My Uncle, Dad’s half brother lived with us for a short time in the 70’s…it was short too, Dad booted his ass for continually coming home drunk.Dad was strict about that shit, he didn’t want any of his kids to be around alcohol in any way. I never saw the guy drink more than 2 beers on a Sunday while watching the ball game and I certainly never saw him drunk.

I think my Uncle was drunk most of the time, he was loads of fun!  I do remember that and he used to bring home some awesome things and once he brought home a used, beatu up but functional Honda 50 mini bike….for me!  And then he fixed it up and did a bunch of modifications to it and made it into a little mini-chopper! I had the only Honda 50 chopper tin town,  It was a bitch to drive in the woods and trails I do recall. I wish I could find a photo of that mini bike now.  I did love that thing, and it was my first introduction to feeling really masculine doing something. heres’ a picture of one, not mine but similar.Mini bikeSooo….where the fuck was I going with all of this?   Ah!  My rafter fort. And the porno book.  I only got caught with it because someone told on me!   She was a good girl and knew that I wasn’t supposed to have the explicitly detailed book that I had found on the side of the road up near the bar on the main road.  it must have fallen out of someone’s car or been thrown out.  Either way, it was just laying there saying “pick me up”  And I did.  She asked her mother if it was alright for me to have it, and of course her mother marched right up the road to see my mother immediately and the two of them confiscated the book.

I had a couple of old tires up in the rafter fort, I would hide things like cigarrettes and matches in an old snuff tin that I had gotten from my grandfather.  I would keep my pen and notbook up there so I could write when I wanted to, and I kept some of the books I was reading up there.  I would get out of school days and retreat to that little secluded fort and would be happy as hell reading, writing and trying to learn how to smoke cigarettes.

Now getting caught with it was very embarrassing.  Plus it resulted in foreclosure on my fort.  Down the fort came, and Dad wasted no time taking it down board by board.   I think the embarrassment was sufficient enough, I was pretty damned ashamed of myself for displeasing my father (who I have tried to please all of my life, but that’s another story).  The book was a novel type and didn’t have many pictures except in the middle of the book where they tipped in a set of erotic shots.  No big deal but not suitable reading for a 6th grader.

I then had to start at ground zero on the fort front and find a new location and set up.  The next fort would be further from the house…an ground level stone fort.  Yup, I was a fort builder from way back.  *smirk*

I felt vulnerable in the case with the book for several reasons.  First, I didn’t hide the book well enough, I wasn’t a good enough hider!  Secondly I trusted the wrong person to know that I had the book, I was a bad judge of character.  Third, shame, I shouldn’t have had the book to begin with and was ashamed of myself.  Forth I was vulnerable through embarrassment of everyone of my siblings knowing that I had been caught with a “grown up sex book” as it got called.  The word pornography was far too large for a kids vocabulary at that time.

Anyone curious of the name of the book?  Linda Lovelace- Deep Throat.  NOT 6th grade reading!  LMFSAO

Getting caught with the book was the very beginning of my teenage troubles….it all just kind of snowballed from there, and not in a very good kind of fluffy snowball way.  But every experience leads us to who we are today, so I suppose I had to go through stuff to get right where I am in life and through having each and every experience I have had I have grown and learned…never stop growing and learning, and never be afraid to be courageous!

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
Brené Brown,