Alone

I’m pretty much a loner in life.  I live alone, deal with life by myself day by day and it’s okay.  I have a great woman in my life who visits me periodically, which is nice, but still I’m alone in the end as she returns to her people and regular life. This IS my regular life. It’s best this way. No one seems to be able to handle the whole of me. Just too much; too involved. Too scary.

I am a very deep thinker. I stay well versed in world events, issues that concern me and lots of other things I find interesting. Sometimes I am too affected by things. I am too sensitive. Yet, some say not sensitive enough in the right ways. Butch curse. When I show emotion it’s weakness or construed as negativity, and when I do not show it right it’s ignorance.

Some days the loneliness of just physically being alone in life gets to me. I feel it in my heart. No one to talk to except the computer or my dogs. No one to notice or understand my sadness or even my happiness. No one to tell me it’s going to be okay eventually.

I’m searching for a way to not feel this way. For a way to just accept things at face value and not want more. It’s hard though, to just cut yourself off and say that’s all there is, very hard. It’s human nature to gravitate toward what one wants. So, doing this goes against my very core nature. I must stop looking or waiting for something that is not there.

So what do I seek in the end? The company of someone who wants me as I am. I want tenderness when I’m down, not a suggestion that I am somehow in the wrong. Someone who cares as much about my feelings and what’s happening in my world as I would about theirs. I want to be there for someone, and have them there for me.

I have a lot of trouble expressing exactly what Is wrong when I am feeling down. Usually because I don’t want to be a bother or to bring negativity to anyone else, and sometimes just because I don’t have the words to put it into understandable context. So, I have found it easier and safer keep to myself. I’ve created this loneliness. I’m King of my own castle. And here I will stay. Alone.

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Fleeting Thoughts…that hang around…

I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately; deep thinking, light thinking, silly stuff, and just plain random shit runs through my mind in a constant flow of factoids and ponderings.  Most of it has been the result of changing anti-depressant medication.  Whoa…I didn’t know it would be this rough!  My dreams have been off-the-charts wild as fuck.

Every day is not rainbows, I know. Some days just suck, but we struggle through them toward that time when we lay our heads down at night, close our eyes and hope tomorrow is even a tiny bit better.  We use the resources available to us and we figure it out somehow.  That’s being human.  That’s just part of being alive and living life.

I can be a little complex at times.  I have walked a few different trails in my life and of course, I am the sum of those experiences.  What happens to us sometimes defines us in very specific ways.  I have been thinking about that a lot the last couple of weeks.  Who I am and why I am, crazy shit like that.

My girl is long distance, which has its own set of fucked up challenges.  I miss her all the time, but this is how it works for us.  It’s not perfect, but I love her and don’t want to stop.  She’ll be here for 4 days in a month, I’m so in need of her visit!  Being with her just makes me feel so much better; relaxed and happy.  It’s very hard not being able to be there for her when she might need me.  I can only do so much over the phone, Skype and text…which frustrates the fuck outta me at times.

She works so hard and is managing her daughter with special needs getting to and from school, daycare, feedings, etc…it’s all a LOT for her.  She has some help there, I know, but I still wish like hell I could be there.  I naturally worry about HER health and well-being during all that goes on in her days.  I encourage her to eat and take care of herself, but the stress on her is pretty formidable right now and I feel the tension in her voice.

There are moments when I wonder if managing a relationship with me doesn’t just make things that much harder for her. But I know that we love each other and I couldn’t – or won’t – stop now.  I’ve committed myself to her and will just continue to try to bring good things to her life; make memorable contributions as I can.

Sure, I have my insecurities and I tend to over-think sometimes.  She is very into the “in the moment” mind space. Sometimes that throws me a bit.  I like to think forward a little.  And being a writer and a lover of words, I sometimes either read or interpret their meanings incorrectly.  It has caused me a bit of angst on more than one occasion, and we’ve dealt with it.

Sometimes I’m afraid of loving her so much.  Sometimes I feel a little in the way.  I love her so deeply and really try to keep things calm and focused for her.  The less drama on my end the better, so I stay very chill and think things through.

I’m starting to ramble; my head is so full of stuff lately, and the med changes aren’t helping me much.  Today I was on the verge of tears for a couple of hours after having a negative experience at the pharmacy and with my prescriptions.  It aggravated me so much I drove angrily home with tears in the corners of my eyes.  I hate feeling that way.  Maybe it IS easier just not to feel at all.

 

 

 

And the week starts…

I have a couple of things to talk about here today.  It’s Monday, August 27, 2018 and with just 4 more days of August ahead of us I am beginning to look toward September; the arrival of cooler temperatures to Maine, fall festivals and agricultural fairs, the leaves beginning to turn colors and yes, the annual return to wearing flannel shirts and work boots.  Fall or Autumn is my most favorite time of year.

I noticed yesterday that the lawns and tree leaves were now reflecting that “mature” darker green in their preparation to begin the colorful yearly die-off; getting naked for winter.  It’s around this time of year that I get mums for the fall, to display on my front steps and in the garden.  It’s really the only true annual flowering plant that I do invest in every year.  They’re hardy, kind of impervious to the vast temperature flux of our September and October days, and they last a good long time.  I like the bright yellow, orange, lavender and brick read colors too, they’re different from the brilliant summer blooms of other plants.  So, this weekend I will hit Lowe’s and get probably 12 of them and create my fall display outside.  Oh!  And I have homegrown pumpkins from my garden!  It’s been a banner garden year.

Sen. John McCain’s death

America lost a truly great politician a couple of days ago.  We knew it was coming, and with his refusal of all treatment the day before we understood the time was near.  The next news was his passing at 4:28 pm with his family and close friends at his bedside.  It was a sad point when the newscaster came across with “Breaking News” of his death.  I stopped for a minute, remembered how cantankerous and incorrigible McCain could be, but then also remembered how brave and courageous he was too.  I didn’t always agree with his politics, but I always agreed with his patriotism and with that love of country that the man had in him.  I always respected him from a military point; he was a pilot with the US Navy and was shot down and became a POW.  During his detention he suffered brutally at the hands of the Vietnamese, often beaten and tortured horribly on a daily basis.  THAT is some bad ass shit to live through, and yet he did and spoke of it often.  It was no secret that he had witnessed or experienced directly some pretty fucked up stuff. And yet, his love of country got him through it and gave us a well-rounded man of honor that served his country for 60 years altogether.  Yeah, John, you did good.  Now rest. We got it from here.

I won’t forget how he was staunchly against Trump’s rhetoric and evil policy bullshit.  I won’t forget the photos of him returning, a mess, from Vietnam.  I won’t forget that he is the father of Megan McCain, a lesbian woman, and yet he did not support same-sex marriage or civil unions, yet he was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans, who supported both.  I often wonder how Megan feels about her father’s lack of supportive position?  McCain was a Liberlist Conservative.  Voting conservatively about 60% of the time and more liberal leaning about 40% of the time.  He often voted with Obama, which was a good thing. Now Obama and Bush 43 will be giving the eulogies at his funeral.  Appropriate.

I am imagining it will be a HUGE television event, watched by millions here and around the world.  THAT will just serve to piss on #45 and could instigate him to do something stupid or bombastic just to re-focus attention on himself.  #45 is an egotistical fuck and cannot stand to be upstaged.  I can hear his stupid ass saying “…fucking McCain! What kind of man is he?  Dying in the middle of MY precious news coverage extravaganza?”  yup, he’s crying in his koolaid about now.

I only wish that we had MORE men in our political system, specifically the Senate and House, that had the balls and fortitude of John McCain.  #45 wouldn’t stand a chance.  He’s afraid of REAL men and women; those who talk back, question him, tell him he’s wrong and call him out on his crimes.  It’s pathetic and makes me sick that almost ALL of the current office holders in our government don’t have the guts to stand up to #45.

I am now calling him “#45” instead of his given name.  He’s just a number.  He’s a bad number, playing a horrible game with the USA and the rest of the world.  After he’s gone we will right things once again and his memory will fade, he’s just a number now and will be just another stupid number in the future.  He was put into our highest political office fraudulently; through the use of criminal activity, Russian influence, voting interference and black money.  He will NEVER be remembered for anything “good” but only as the worst thing we ever allowed to happen to America.  And yes, we allowed him to take office.  MOST voting eligible citizens of our country did NOT even vote in the last presidential election in 2016.

My Weed Plant

…is growing like a WEED!  Bwhahaha!  I laugh!  Yes, it’s kind of amazing, the plant has broken the 6′ height mark and is thriving.  I am going to build a hot house around it this weekend.  Two reasons: security and maximum growth.  Hilda is in the stage of white hairs appearing, the hint of buds coming, and just getting fatter by the day.   I’ve learned a LOT from this experience of growing marijuana plants.  I’m very interested now in furthering that experience by starting a hydroponic grow in my back room / zen room. Once I procure the necessary eqipment and set it up properly I’m going to give indoor growing a shot.  I have not yet decided what I am going to DO with all this weed, whether I leave it as flower or make it into edibles and dabs.  We shall see; the research is not complete.

Missing my girl

It’s been about a week and a half since my girl left to return to her home in Texas.  Fuck.  I miss her wicked bad.  But, life must go on, and get back to some sembelance of “normal” for both of us.  She has her life, work and a business there, and I have my own set of responsibilities here.  Long distance relationships are difficult at very  best.  We both “get” this completely.  We’re not fooled by any of it.  Relegated to messenger, phone calls and the sporadic Skype-a-thon we’re making it work.  I even get to see her little girl when we Skype on the weekend mornings.

We have photos and shared Google albums, but there isn’t anything that compares to real time spent together.  I look forward to her next in-person visit, hopefully in mid-October.  And in January, when I can travel once again, perhaps I’ll venture to Texas at some point while it’s cold and snowy here in Maine.  All I know is that I can’t spend enough time with this woman and with that in mind I’ll do whatever I am able to do to see her whenever possible.   When we are together I want to keep her within three feet of me at all times!  RAWRRRR…damn.

Ok, I’m off to work on some photo books and other crafty stuff today.  Hope you are all doing well.

Answer this in the comments:  How do you manage distance in a relationship?  If you live with your lover, how do you manage space and alone time?

Peace  ~  MB

Start August Rambles…Life is Good!

Damn…it’s Friday again!  While I absolutely LOVE it when we reach Friday each week, this week is different.  This Friday my Babe is here and I want time to stand still.  She’s here vacationing with me in Maine, with her 3 yr old daughter, as I’ve said previously.  So, I am wanting time to stop and wanting to spend all of my time and energy on her.  We’ve had a great time thus far, she’s been here about 9 days already and I am loving every minute of our days and nights.

It’s so different for me to get up in the morning at 5am and creep around the house getting my coffee and feeding the dogs in as quiet a manner possible.  I don’t want to wake the baby or disturb my sleeping Sweetheart.  I love watching her sleep; studying her face and stroking her hair while she’s off in dreamland somewhere.  It’s comforting to me that she’s here.  That she’ll be here when I get home from work and that she’s still going to be here for another 13 days.  I’m trying not to think about what I am going to feel like when it’s time for her to leave and return to Texas.  I know it’s inevitable, and it’s the way it is for us, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.  I only accept it.

I haven’t been in a serious relationship for many years now.  This relationship with Bones (what I affectionately call my girl) is new and different for me.  We’ve been talking and getting to know one another better since just before Christmas last year.  So, like 8 months now…and our feelings for one another have just grown stronger and stronger with each call, text and in-person visit we can make happen.  This current trip is her 3rd time coming up here to see me and we find more and more that we like about one another.  It’s a great feeling.

We had a night out together to play some pool and just spend alone time together.  My bestie babysat for us, we put the baby to bed and went out fairly late so it was easy on the sitter.  I took her to the old dive bar I used to frequent in my younger days.  Wow, has that place’s clientele changed, much younger crowd but it appeared to me the same things were going on…lots of drinking, game playing, and drug distribution.  But the atmosphere is basically the same; same old bar decor and same watered down drinks. It was funny to revisit the place and it reminds me of why I gave up hanging there and gave up drinking!  Then we checked out Legend’s Billiards for a long 3 games of us whacking the balls around on the pool table.  I’m sooo out of practice plus the tables are the 8′ regulation ones.  I am used to the 6′ bar tables so it was a lot of green space for me to deal with.  She kicked my ass.  But I had a super good time watching her do it; her ass in those sexy jeans was quite intoxicating.  Yeah, that. 🙂

My voice still isn’t back.  I saw a speech therapist on Thursday.  Looks like I am going to be quite some time like this.  My vocal cords are damaged and not working properly.  There could be a few explanations.  I smoke, so there’s that.  Reflux is their best guess at what’s caused the damage mostly.  Atmospheric pollutants – like the exhaust att he truck stop could be contributing as well.  I started taking Nexium as they recommended.  I’m not supposed to whisper or yell – both are bad for your vocal cords.  Voice rest as much as possible, Nexium, loads of water intake are basically what I have to concentrate on.  I have to do follow up appointments with the therapist for a while.  Hopefully, I can regain some of my old voice at some point.  It’s super aggravating.

Monday, August 6, 2018:

Summer in Maine this year has been really great.  The weather has been sunny, hot and humid.  Just like summer should be.  It’s been a banner year for my vegetable garden, with me being able to harvest produce about every other day for the last 3 weeks.  I’ve got ample supplies of blueberries and herbs like basil, thyme, rosemary, 2 types of oregano, cilantro and lavender.  I have harvested yellow summer squash, the over-abundant zucchini, awesome Straight 8 cukes, bell peppers, jalapeno peppers, and – of course – tomatoes!  Yep, the garden goddess has been good to me this season!

The marijuana plants I purchased as clones from a known mother strain are doing amply well.  I am so surprised that for a first time try on growing this slightly picky weed that I’ve managed to not only keep it alive but have been able to get it to THRIVE in my well fertilized Maine soil.  I’m looking forward to going through the bud process soon and harvesting it.  It should be a good quality weed and I should get quite an abundance of nice sized buds.  I’ve been studying up on High Times as to ways of harvesting and curing the plant and buds.  There is no “one-way” to do this, so I am allowed to choose how and when to harvest and finish off the product.  I am hoping to learn how to make some decent potency edibles.  I believe that edibles have a better shelf life and are easier to consume in my opinion.  It was mentioned that edibles have a better acceptance as well, that people sometimes resist at the thought of “smoking” this wonderful herb, but eating it to gain the benefits seems to be more acceptable mainstream.  Not sure if that is true, but it sure sounds like it could be!

I backed off in a MAJOR way watching the news and events of my country.  My daily news intake was pretty high there for a long time.  Right now I am distracted from this barrage of negativity by the presence of my girl and her daughter visiting, but I see that this is a huge benefit to my sanity and a major stress reducer.  It’s important to me to know and understand what is happening with the horrible Trump regime, but I was definitely watching too much and over thinking the situation.   I have some strong views of what I believe is happening to our country.  From what Trump is doing himself, to what is happening that I believe is partly happening BECAUSE of him and his hate-filled words.  The mass shootings, the bigotry, the racist attacks and killings, police brutality, protests, division of our people and damage being done to our environmental laws and our environment.  NONE of it is “good” at all.  Our Canadian friends are horrified and upset at the treatment they are getting because of their close relationship to America and I am VERY upset and sorry to them for this as well.  They do NOT deserve what Trump is doing or the ramifications of being our closest ally.  So, my Canadian friends, remember HE does NOT represent me or most of America’s good citizens.  His views are skewed, slanted and hateful.  For this, I am truly sorry.  One day this will pass and we will rectify all of his ill-thought moves.  We will get him out of office or he will die from stress and old age.  Remember, Trump is only a man…he is NOT some sort of permanent fixture and he will meet his end eventually.  Then we can reverse his stupidity with some extended work and by being kind to the world once again.  Most Americans are good, upstanding people with hearts of gold.  Trump represents that 24% of America (evidently) that is radically racist, nationalist and hateful – sadly.

Bones and I took a cruise on the MV Challenger out to the famous Isles of Shoals out off of the coast of the Maine/New Hampshire shore.  It was a perfect day, sunny with clear skies and out on the water the temperature was perfect for the cruise.  We saw the 5 forts that guard the mouth of Portsmouth Harbor, some pre-dating the Revolutionary war and all playing pivotal parts in our nations defense history, from Fort Constitution (at one time Fort William and Mary) to the Fort McClary – named for the first Maine man killed in the Revolutionary War.  The forts played roles in the defense of America from foreign sea invasion right up through the second World War and remain in defense stance even today.  Portsmouth Naval Shipyard – the oldest continuously working shipyard in America – consumes much of the Maine side of the Piscataqua River shoreline and is quite something to see, from the nuclear submarine overhaul facilities to the old Naval Prison that stand like a haunted castle.  The last man executed in Maine was held at that prison.  It closed in 1979…I remember when it was still open and in operation during my senior year of high school.  You could see it from the high school windows…eerie.

The last 12 days of having my girlfriend here with me and spending most of my time – except for work hours – with her has been terrific.  I still have here until the 16th when she will return to Texas which is her home.  I am imagining that it will be difficult for me to let her go and that I will be sad on that day.  I’m sure I will take a week or two to readjust to being here alone and having her once again 1900 miles from me.  I’m only human and it is natural that I will feel this way.  I am sure she will feel similarly as she returns to her life and work back there.  I’m going to miss waking up with her days, miss having coffee and starting our days together.  I’m going to miss the 3 yr old sweetie that she’s raising and teaching about life.  That little girl has also stolen my heart with her infectious smiles and hearty giggle.  I have gotten up before my girl every day, and some days I have managed to get the baby up and get her day started, allowing Bones to lay to bed a bit longer and relax more in rising to meet the day.  It’s been a true pleasure to have them both here in Maine with me.  And I look forward to future visits, both with my girl alone and with her daughter.

We try to take things as they come because it’s not an ideal situation that we live so far apart.  Long distance love can be challenging and requires work, compromise, and understanding by both parties.  We’ve decided together to put the effort into this because our love and desire to have each other in daily life is so strong.  Sure, I’ve had other relationships with some great women, but this one takes the proverbial cake for me.  This woman is everything I’ve ever needed and wanted in a partner – and more.  Our connection is deep and true.  I’m loving every minute of loving her and being loved by her.  I’m really super glad she reached out to me back in December and we made this awesome connection.  It wasn’t anything either of us planned, it just happened and felt so natural for us to be together.  I just hope that we continue on this path together and can move through any obstacles the world throws at us because she truly is my piece of heaven on earth.

I hope YOUR day is good, dear reader, and that your summer has been as good as mine.  Yes, the summer of 2018 will definitely be fondly remembered and thought about for many years to come as the summer of new relationships and new adventures, as well as a summer of love and affection that cannot be put into words.

Have a super August.  And remember, be kind, you never know what anyone you encounter in your day is fighting or going through.  So be kind to each other and let the bullshit go.

Peace.   ~MB

 

 

Tales of Love…My Girl’s Visit…

I’ve been insanely busy lately.  My girlfriend visited me, with her 3 yr. old daughter in tow, from last Thursday until Monday afternoon when I drove them back to Logan Airport…they missed their 5:30 flight, but luckily made a 6:00 flight.  While they were here we had a terrific time.  Having her child here made this visit a little more complicated, but it was still completely awesome.  The child is just a peach, so sweet and easy going.  Having them here made my house so much happier; filled with laughter and fun times.

We spent more time at my home and less out exploring around the Seacoast area.  Although, on Saturday of her visit, we took her little girl up to the Maine Wildlife Park in Gray Maine and spent the day learning about and viewing all of the animals of Maine.  The place is a refuge for injured or orphaned animals and birds, some of which are rehabilitated and returned to the wild while others live out their days at the park in super nice habitats built specifically to accommodate their special needs.

Before her visit I was busy getting the house ready, putting the playpen together for the baby to sleep in and trying to inform my two little hellion dogs that we had visitors coming – specifically one very small visitor!

Last time she was here, at the beginning of March, there was snow on the ground.  We were in the midst of enduring 4 northeaster storms in the span of 10 days.  She got a full experience of Maine in the snowy winter.  This time it was nice, warm and sunny.  The daffodils outside my front steps were in full bloom and the grass was greening up real nice.  We visited Wentworth Greenhouses during this visit and I got a bunch of new perennial flowers for my gardens.  Wentworth is an experience all by itself.  It’s a massive store, with every item, plant and idea you can think of for gardening – inside and outside.

Our long-distance relationship is going great.  I’m stunned by the depth of our connection, on so many levels.  We get along so well, having many common interests.  And she is super smart, and I’m so turned on by intelligence!  I think it’s super sexy when a woman is not only very easy on the eyes, but is super smart to boot!  Does me in every time!  🙂

Saturday night we hired my niece to babysit Little Bit while Bones and I went out to dinner and to the local gay club to do some people watching.  We had a really nice time, just the two of us, out on a real kind of date for a change.  Being long-distance lovers, we don’t get much of that time for just going out together, like on dates.  So, I really tried to make it happen this time around.  I wanted to show her off, having a pretty girl on my arm and knowing it’s me she’s going home with…there’s just something about that that makes a Butch try just that much harder.

We stopped on the way to dinner at the Old Goal in York, Maine.  It’s the old town jail, and out front they have an authentic set of old stocks…for public punishment and humiliation.  We laugh about them all the time, and I put my girl in them and took some pictures…funny as fuck!  She was dressed so beautifully…in a gorgeous teal blue dress and heels.  So she looked pretty funny stuck in those old stocks!

After dinner at the 1652 in York Beach, we rode up US Route 1A through Cape Neddick and into Ogunquit Maine.  We stopped in Perkin’s Cove, which was basically deserted at this time of year.  It’s a beautiful little fishing village and tourist attraction, complete with a wooden walk-over draw bridge.  The fishing boats were all silently moored in the cove, quietly waiting for their owner/operators to arrive at the next high tide to go out lobstering.  Such a sweet and romantic kind of setting.  We hung out together on the bridge over the water for a little while, then went to the club.

So, it was a GREAT date!  A super nice 5 day visit and I couldn’t be happier!  I had a terrific time.  We both love bird watching, so we did ALOT of that!  I have my feeders set up outside the big living room window at my house, and I have a squirrel that I call “Herbie” and tons of song birds, wood peckers, wild turkeys, and finches that visit.  This morning I even had a humming bird at the feeder!  Bones loves watching too – maybe even more than me!  And she got lots of great bird pictures.  I’ll scam some and try to do another post on bird sightings soon.

The long-distance thing is challenging, but totally worth it.  The memories we are making together are priceless.  We’re both pretty rooted in our respective homes, so don’t anyone get the idea I’m renting a fucking U-Haul or anything crazy like that!!  But I do miss her insanely when we’re not together.  Thankfully we have Skype, messenger and all of the beauty of today’s technology that keeps us connected pretty much constantly.  It’s been a few months now, and we are doing pretty damned good I believe.

We have such a great thing.  We talk about everything, which is really kind of new for me in many ways.  I’ve always been so protective of my thoughts, but I feel like I can tell her anything without being judged or without her running away.  She’s just so perfect for me.  *sigh* So, I’m going to roll with this as long as I can…cuz I just can’t imagine any other woman besides her being in my life like this.  Crazy, I know, but it’s happened.  And I’m all good with it!

I hope everyone has a great week!  It’s hump day and I’m trying to catch up after my long weekend!

Peace!   ~MB

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crazy Spring Feelings

I get crazy for her some nights, that urge just won’t quit.  I lay flat on my back, which is how I sleep anyway, stretch out and try to imagine…oops, did I turn off the stove…? Fuck.  And, yes, I generally get up to check if that thought, or a thought about the heat being turned down crosses my mind.  After getting back up to check on things at least once, I settle into my bed, one dog laying by my side and the other laying on my chest.  This is how I sleep every night.  I’m a back sleeper, flat on my back.  I wake myself laughing quite often, and can manipulate my dreams if I try hard enough…it’s a gift I believe.

I got up this morning, turned on my computer and resumed watching a movie that I had started last night – before my eyelids wouldn’t stay open.  The movie was “Below Her Mouth” and is very erotic, sexy and one of the best lesbian movies I have seen done.  Generally when you watch any movie with two women getting it on it’s staged and done by straight men, thus it’s not realistic or true to form.  THIS movie was very realistic, true to form and a great depiction of lesbian sex.  Didn’t look fake at all, which made it even hotter.  So, if you’re looking to get yourself a bit sexually aroused this weekend, check out “Below Her Mouth” on Netflix.  I can just about guarantee you won’t be sorry!

The high winds last week got so bad one night that it blew my bird feeding station pole down, and it’s anchored by a piece of marble…so it has weight, but the wind was so ferocious that anything without deep roots was flying around.   Luckily, I only lost one feeder.  My finch tube feeder was crushed by the pole when it fell.  I just put everything back together and the local birds are now happily snacking once again.

Spring is very slow coming here in Maine this year.  It’s April 7th and it’s 38 degrees, windy, but sunny.  It’s just been a weird ending to winter for us.  Keeps snowing, about every other day we get snow.  None of it is “sticking” or building up; generally it’s gone in a few hours of sunshine.  But it’s annoying as fuck.

I am anxious for warmer days, sunshine and gardening!  I have even mapped out my property in planning out my gardens for 2018.  I do love my gardens, and being outside working in them.  Even weeding has a sort of zen feeling to it for me.  And I’ve been watching some DIY videos about prepping the vegetable garden soil for better growth and production.  I haven’t added compost to that garden since I built it the first spring I was in this house.  So, compost is being mixed in this season, so things should grow good.  And I am planning a long garden down the side of the trailer, coming out about 6′ or so, I bought a bunch of wildflower seeds and am going to prepare that area and over-seed it with a mix of four types of seeds: hummingbird attractor, flowering perennials, flowering annuals, and a butterfly mixture.  This next coming weekend it’s supposed to be warmer, so I am planning to do some outdoor work; raking, trimming and laying some stones I have procured from the nearby quarry.

April 10, 2018.

My girlfriend and I are doing really great, despite the distance.  My heart is really happy about this.  It’s strange to take such a big chance on love again at 56…I seriously thought that this part of my life was pretty much finished.  I never expected to meet Bones.  She’s changed my whole outlook on some things, and I was obviously very ready to make the changes.  I don’t exactly know where we are taking things, it’s complicated in a few ways.  She has a life in Texas, a business and a child.  Right now we are just trying to stay connected daily, enjoying the moments, and not making any future plans.  Living and taking things day-by-day, as they come.  She’s coming back in May to spend some more time with me.  And she’s bringing her daughter to meet me.  I am really looking forward to this next visit!

I’ve really gone out on a limb with this woman.  I’m pleasantly surprised at how well things are going and how deeply she’s affected me.  I’m allowing her past many walls and letting her through the barriers to my heart.  It’s been scary, but worth every wince. She just looks at me and I melt into a puddle inside…the feeling is outrageously delicious.  I long for her touch when we are apart; and I know she’s feeling it too.  That’s the best part.  I feel for people who settle for anything less than this feeling, it’s the best feeling in the world to connect with another person on this level of depth, emotionally, physically and sexually, it’s just phenomenal.

I have opened a new website for anyone interested in Butch-femme connections and conversation.  It’s just getting off the ground.  It’s a membership only site where you join up and create a profile.  I am going to link it here in this post.  Anyone who would like to contribute, participate or even just lurk around until they feel more comfortable, is welcome to join.  The site has been created for women who prescribe to the Butch-femme dynamic mostly, but there are forums for other things as well such as LGBT news and articles.  The site is called Butch-Femme-Perspectives.  Please join me!  I feel that with some effort on all of our parts we can make the site pretty damned cool!  We’ll add and subtract from it as necessary, creating our own unique safe place on the web.

Alrighty, let me wrap this up.  The day is burning away, I need to get some things done outside and am lingering inside just waiting for it to warm up a tad.  Hell..I could be waiting til Thursday at this rate!  Haha…

What does your week hold in store for you?  Any great things happening?  What are you looking forward to?

Peace.    ~MB

 

 

 

Butch Desire

Butch desire is to fem hunger what peanut butter is to jelly; what ying is to yang.

I recently read a really GREAT blog about “hunger”; specifically fem hunger. You can read it here, which is my previous cross post about this blog, and will connect you with this wonderful blogger. The writer is a fantastic femme, who writes with elegance and ease about this topic and many others concerning Butch-fem relationships and dynamics. As with anyone, I don’t always agree with her, but I have found that she quite often stimulates me to write more!  I truly value her opinions and perspectives.

This article she wrote about fem hunger has made me think much about what it is that I, as a Butch who desires that fem hunger, feel and how I respond to that hunger.

Butch desire is the deep, almost primal, need a Butch feels when acknowledged by a femme. It’s the riveting eye contact that conveys the message that they want more; they want to take it all. Butch desire runs deep in the body, and is activated like an electrical current, making the heart race and the breath come in heavy sighs. It’s that desire to be wanted and needed exactly as I am – Butch and proud – not to be told to “tone it down” or hide in any way.

It’s the unending need to fix everything; to make everything good and right for her femme; to treat the femme like the queen of her world, as it should be. Then it’s the aching need to take what is hers; to conquer and devour every savory morsel of femininity exuded by her fem lover, and to do it with force and precision.

“I want you as a woman, not as a man; but I want you in the way you need to be, which may not be traditionally female, but which is the area you express as Butch…….I make it right to want me that hard. Butches have not been allowed to feel their own desire because that part of being Butch can be perceived by the straight world as male. I feel I get back my femaleness and give a different definition of femaleness to a Butch as a femme.”
Amber Hollibaugh, “What We’re Rollin’ Around In Bed With” My Dangerous Desires

Butch desire is the raging need that fills my mind with visions of her, spread before me quivering and waiting for my touch, sometimes gentle and sometimes rough and demanding. It’s the ache in my entire body that is only stopped by her moans, that deep connection we make in becoming whole together, mind, body and soul. It’s her unbridled hunger for being taken and my overwhelming desire to claim her as my own. Butch desire is all of those things, plus much more. From the way it makes me lick my lips in anticipation, to the guttural noises I make as I find my release with her body quaking under mine.

That hardness; the rigidity of our closely guarded emotions, that we keep locked up safe behind our walls of protection, is also our vulnerability. When a femme sees momentarily behind the wall that we build, it’s an intimate and very exposed feeling for a Butch. We do not show our vulnerabilities readily, nor often. Some say we are damaged goods; that our lack of visible emotion and response is from some trauma – or from our “wanting” to be male – nothing could be further from the truth for a truly authentic Butch.  Femmes have a way of seeing through our thinner walls, and of reaching past those super-tender spots without threatening or damaging us.  This serves to heighten our desire; to fan the flames of heat and passion.

Never have I desired to be “male” – although standing to pee is very appealing – it never came to me to transition to the male gender. Femmes get this. They don’t push us to change, but accept us for who we are and how we represent ourselves in the world.  We are women who push the gender boundary and skew the binary; who look, feel and think a bit differently perhaps. There’s a thin line; a boundary of distinction, invisible to most and yet something that we are very keenly aware of as we move about our world.

Being a dominant Butch it’s often assumed that I take on a “male” role in any relationship.  While this has some truth to it, it’s not really that cut and dried; every Butch owns her own butchness – and what that is and how it plays in her life, daily.  Being Butch doesn’t stop when no one’s looking, it’s an authentic way of being in the universe. And it’s that combination of being female, yet very masculine that feels every so right to a Butch – and to her fem partner.  It’s what gives me life and joy in being.

When I am with people from outside of the gay community I am more keenly aware of my differences with them.  Whereas when I am with my counterparts I am much more relaxed and less guarded overall.  The more “mainstream” lesbian community generally frowns on the Butch-fem dynamic, lifestyle and those who partake in it’s beauty.  Sad for them in my opinion.  Lesbians seem to have a real tendency to be judgmental of other lesbians – at least that has been my own observation.  I see more lesbian on lesbian bashing than I care to see.

Personally, I don’t give much weight to their opinions, rude remarks, comments, or slurs of others – lesbian, straight, or whatever.  That’s their business; their own frame of thinking, generally constructed from within their own culture, community and situation in life.  People get hung up on what they do not understand; it frightens them, so they try to minimalize it however they can.  I find this to be a real form of “internalized” homophobia.  Preach about equality, but disrespect those who do the same things you do – just tweaked a bit.  That does NOT make much sense.  And perhaps me even saying this here doesn’t either, it’s MY own internalized phobia of occasionally worrying about what others may think.   And there I will leave it.

~MB