My Brain on Over-drive

November 2019

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Fuck. It kind of crept up on me this year as I wasn’t really paying attention. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, yet it will be somewhat good to spend a bit of time with my biological family. They all mean well and I do love them dearly – most of them. I only hope that the blue / red division won’t come into play. I hope no one is out to trigger anyone else with political bullshit. I hope it’s peaceful, loving and fun. No drama. And I hope that for ALL of YOU out there in the world!

This is so true of my feelings for sure! MB

I woke up this morning feeling a little out of sorts, confused and anxious. I don’t see my doctor until a couple of days before my birthday in January. I think I need a med adjustment, or change, something just isn’t working any longer. I’ve been doing some research and I think that I will wean off of the Wellbutrin and increase the Cymbalta dosage. I did pretty good on the higher dose of that previously, without any other anti-depressant added. I want to go back to a single anti-d med. So, yeah, that’s my plan. I hope my new doctor will hear me out and help me make that change.

I believe that in 2020 the injection for HIV suppression will be available to those of us living with this fucked up virus. I am on my doctor’s primary list to be given this injection as soon as it’s available to us. It’s been super successful in trials and is almost there with final approvals by the powers that be. I’ll be happy not to be taking pills every morning to maintain my zero viral load status!

With only 5 weeks left in 2019 I have begun to put together some plans and ideas for 2020, from books I want to read to places I plan to visit. I’ve just begun the process. I’m starting a vision board and I just started a new adventures notebook to memorialize the year. I don’t like to do much for “long-term” planning, so I keep it simple. I don’t plan out exact dates or exact routes, motels, or make any type of itinerary for an adventure. That’s why it’s an “adventure” and not a planned out visit. My ex-wife used to actually create and print out an itinerary for every trip we took together – and there were many! It drove me crazy, but I smiled and went along with it generally. One trip we took I actually threw the itinerary out the car window in the middle of the mountains in Arizona…she wasn’t pleased, but she already had it memorized anyway. That trip was awesome as fuck and I have tons of great memories from those 10 days.

A few of my ideas/plans thus far are:

  • Four road trips, one during each season of 2020 to be planned around the weather and conditions at the time and in the places I’ll be cruising. Some are going to be Minnesota, Utah, Florida & Texas. Plus a trip across Maine on Old Canada Road, Rte 201.
  • Two long hikes. This I’ve already started gearing up for. I need to be in better physical condition and healthy as I can be when I embark on these adventures. One will be part of the Appalacian Trail, which I have done portions of in the past and loved it. Both are planned to be 3 day adventures.
  • One adventure to Canada. I think I will enter at Niagra Falls (for convenience) and head to Toronto. I have a couple of LGBT friends near Toronto who I would love to see in 2020.
  • Museum of Natural History in NYC, I’ll also go to Ellis Island and visit Ground Zero.

I just had a shitload of work done on my car – not fun – so I know it’s in top shape for long runs. I’ve set up a special account for saving funds for these things, which is going well thus far. The car repairs set it back a bunch, but it had to be done. The car is overall in good shape albeit high mileage at 204K but the mechanic looked it all over thoroughly and he says she’s fine for long distance cruising. Unfortunately, one cannot avoid those kinds of things that seem to happen when you can least afford it – car, furnace or other big expense home stuff. I usually manage somehow, this time was a bitch but I pulled the fucking rabbit out of the hat once again. Thanks to side hustles and Yankee ingenuity.

Nola and Lulu have been great. Lu is silly as usual and going through one of her twice yearly sheds right now. She looks like a pretty ugly long-haired Chihuahua right now. I give her hair and skin supplements and it should grow back in very nicely – it did last time! But in the meantime she’s looking awkward to say it mildly! Nola is just Nola. Stodgy old gal she is. I got this awesome photo of them which I am having framed once the print arrives. Going to do an “assembly” buy at Micheals, it’s way less expensive than just ordering it to be framed. My sister the photographer clued me in on this method. So, I get the frame, matt and photo then take it all to the framing counter and ask for them to assemble it. They do it beautifully I am told, with a nice backing and including hanging hardware and it’s half the price. Here’s the picture…it’s my favorite shot ever taken of them together. Nelson Linscott, very kindly, digitally enhanced it for me.


October 2019

Gummy production has been going spectacular. I couldn’t be happier about that little endeavor of mine. My awesome recipe is all the rave with my customers. They like it way better than last summer’s first round try – which came out awesome and was a great first round learning experience. Someone else actually did the cooking last time though, and this time I did it myself with the new method and recipe. I educated myself in depth about how to make them commercial grade, less sticky, and the right milligram desired. And this batch, instead of translucent, is solid colored and much softer, more flavorful. And they are not sticky. I also learned not to keep them refrigerated, it’s not necessary unless you use real fruit juice, in which case they will mold. Keeping them sealed and in a place that’s just room temperature is fine. This batch here is lime. I am set up to manufacture both orange and cherry flavors this weekend, with another supply of product grown myself.

It’s been a hard fall losing friends unfortunately. On this last Monday my old friend Tractor Bob, who had been sick for years battling cancers, died peacefully at home. I used to call him a “hosta” because nothing seemed to phase him or kill him off – and he went through some pretty traumatic crap during the last years of his life, but he kept on getting back up and fighting. I’m going to miss him, but I am relieved that his pain is gone and he’s at peace.

I also lost another couple of old friends / acquaintances to drug overdoses, which I see as so uselessly tragic. I’m so glad that I got out of that whole scene a few years back now and I have no inclination to return to that crap ever. I’ve made it through some very difficult things without reaching for dope to deal with it, so I ‘m pretty proud of the strength I have in me now. It’s also thanks to some very good friends and my mom’s support and encouragement that I’ve stayed clean, that’s a fact that is not lost on me. I lost my best friend even to that crap. I had to 86 her from my life on July 3rd and while I hope she’s doing okay wherever she is now, I just can’t be around people who use like that anymore. Too bad, 2019 was a year of some pretty painful losses for me, but I survived and I’ve learned. It’s all about the lessons I suppose. (That’s bullshit).

I have to go get myself looking decent now for a pre-game get together tonight. Often a few of us get together the night before Thanksgiving. Although my brain wants to just stay home and write more tonight, I need to go and be social. I’ve been hiding from people far too much lately and I realize it, so I need to fix that right away. At least I’m not reconnecting with toxic people – aka my ex-bestie – which is always a risk when a person in recovery gets lonely. I’m not THAT fucking lonely! hahaha. I get out a lot, just not to hang out with anyone in particular. Generally it’s to the beach or Vaughn Woods to hike with my dogs, or to town to do errands, but that doesn’t count as “socializing” I am told! So, off i go! Hope you all have an enjoyable T-giving eve! Take it easy on the wine and spirits, and have a great time! Hugs to all.

Gobble. ~ MB

Impeachment is Inevitable

A third-grader can tell you that lying is wrong, that bullying is wrong, and that you have to follow the rules, or there will be consequences. Yet, #45 and his cronies are working hard AF to convince American citizens that this unethical, immoral and criminal behavior/actions is “perfectly fine” for #45 to do because HE does “not” have to follow ANY rules, laws, customs, treaties, etc due to the fact that he has deemed himself, with their blessing, the King of America. Even his lawyers have gone to court and defended this position of complete, ultimate immunity. The judge was even perplexed. There has not been a ruling in that case yet.

We currently have NO way to hold this president and his cohorts responsible for all of this corrupt and just plain BAD conduct and illegal actions. They continually defy legal Congressional subpoenas and claim everything #45 is doing or has done is “normal” and “perfectly fine” for him to do. They ignore the law, the US Consitution, and the voices of their constituents that do not mime their own. The more they are permitted or allowed to “get away with” the MORE corrupt they appear to become in words and deeds. There seems to be no guardrails to maintain any sort of respectfulness or integrity in our government – and this trickles down to state and local levels. As elected or appointed officials in all parts of the government or any position of power in America see this coming from the top they are emboldened to adopt these practices themselves falsely believing they too are “above the law” as long as #45 is in charge. Thus they LIE and CHEAT to ensure that they are able to KEEP him in office, regardless of the harm and destruction he continues to do to America and the world at large.

I believe that all of this will get worse and worse until the citizens of the United States stand up and put a stop to it. Politicians are not going to stop this themselves or at least not without the anger and outrage of their constituents aimed directly at them like and M-16. The voice of the citizens HAS to become loud and clear in all of this chaos. We must retake our government, defend and protect our Constitution and uphold the rule of law so that NO ONE is ABOVE THE LAW – including the sitting president and his cronies. NO ONE.

Blatant evidence of deep corruption inside of #45’s campaign, staff, aides, family, and friends is outrageous and incredible to witness. WHY and HOW are these specific people seemingly immune to obeying ANY and ALL laws of the United States? If any one of us citizens ignores a subpoena there’s a warrant for our arrest issued immediately. I thought that was the LAW…I didn’t know you could pick and choose when you wanted or didn’t want to obey the law. This is currently the model for the Trump administration across the board. He’s even claiming his family and friends are immune to all prosecution…ALL prosecution – including murdering someone in broad daylight on 5th Avenue. Nope, can’t even take the gun away or investigate the crime at all until he’s out of office. Does this make ANY sense to ANYONE out there, other than whatever kind of weird sense it makes to Trumpers?

Trump and all of his GOP supporters in various positions of power have now been “outed” for the corrupt bribery of Ukraine. The evidence is overwhelming. The people testifying are pristine in character and are well regarded top-level government employees. Trump and his cronies have no defense because the FACTS are publically available, so instead they are trying their damnedest to discredit “procedure” used, to tarnish the reputations of people involved in telling the truth (which they thus far have been completely unsuccessful in doing) and using “schmear campaigns” against ANYONE who dares speak against Trumpy. He calls everyone – particularly the “never Trump” republicans – human scum. Yup, human scum. Nice huh? That’s what the President of the United States has called citizens of his OWN country, people he is supposed to represent, protect and make proud. IF Trump stays in office long enough he will make it illegal to speak against him and he will stifle our freedom of speech – just like EVERY murderous dictator he so admires. The man is a tyrant in training and he is becoming more dangerous every day he is allowed to remain in the White House.

The 25th Amendment MUST be used NOW. Especially if McConnel refuses to allow him to be removed after being impeached for some of his more recent crimes – both high crimes and misdemeanors – which is exactly what McConnel is saying he is going to do! I am SURE the Trump Foundation will reward him generously for his cooperation and compliance with Trump’s wishes and orders. Trump is hugely unfit for the office he holds. It’s obvious to everyone with a brain, conscience, and pride in this country.

There now is incontrovertible evidence of at least “some” of his corrupt orders, gross abuse of power and outright lies to Congress and the American people. From the Mueller report, we also know he has done all of these things in the past as well. Yet, if we just deal with staying specific with the corruption of Ukraine bribery deal, which is out and on the table now with many highly credible witnesses, there is plenty of reason and evidence to impeach and remove him from the office right now.

I believe that a president who is under criminal investigation or who gets impeached should NOT be allowed to run for re-election. Period. There are plenty of witnesses to the call and the events before and after, to impeach him now. We don’t even need Bolton or any other testimony, truth be told. The impeachment, which will be broadcast live on national television, will be a real eye-opener for many people living with their heads in the sand. How anyone can NOT be concerned about this is beyond my understanding. This is super important and vital to the survival of democracy in the republic of the United States of America. Not removing him says to all potential future leaders that they can defy a co-equal branch of government, there will be no oversight, and that they can use whatever means they choose to ruin our country; no holds barred. Just imagine what that will mean for our country. Just fucking imagine.

Those are my thoughts and observations. Give me ONE good reason WHY not to remove this idiot…there isn’t even one. Good or bad for the country right now, we HAVE to do this! We have to do this for the coming generations, for the children of today and the grandchildren of tomorrow.

Peace. ~MB

We’re ALL Struggling… So Be Kind.

It’s a fact that we are all facing mortality. It starts the very moment you are born..that ONE sure thing, we will all die. No matter how “good” you live, you cannot and will not escape the reaper. The person you are looking at right now, or who you just kissed goodbye before leaving for work, that person is going to die as well. It’s inevitable and part of being ALIVE.

We cannot choose when, where or why we will cease to exist on this plane of time. We cannot take anything we acquired, along the journey through our lives, with us. Someone will be left behind to go through all of your stuff, personal and all, to sort it out and most likely dumpster most of it. This only concerns me when it comes to my journals and my toy drawer, thus I have left special instructions for the disposal or disbursement of these things. The rest I could care less about; it’s just “stuff” and can be trashed, donated or sold, I won’t care – or even know – what happens to the “stuff”. The ONLY thing you get to take with you are your memories. Those die with you.

This came up for me as I am filling out papers for end of life decisions. Some of the things you have to think about when doing this task are things that you never really consider on a day-to-day basis. It’s good to a decent job of being prepared, just in-case you are hit by the proverbial bus today. Until now I have never stopped and taken the hour or two it takes to put my last wishes into some form of organization. Make sure you plan for the care of your children and/or your pets…don’t leave them without a plan for their continued care and nurturing!

It also is a great moment to reflect and count those things, people and other beings that are loved and important to you. Hey, you have got to LIVE while you are still breathing! Wasting your precious time on non-loving, non-helpful, and stupid things shouldears. be stopped. And remember, there is NO tomorrow, only today. Whatever one is waiting for to make a change, take a chance, do a thing, or whatever one waits for to happen to them is purely a waste of your time and energy. Do those things NOW. Waiting just prolongs your achieving acquisition of what you need now. This is my new way of looking at things.

Let go of anything that isn’t exactly what you want and need right now. Stop wasting your time and energy waiting for that “right moment” to magically happen. It’s not going to happen. You only have TODAY. Nothing is promised or guaranteed for tomorrow or any future date, ever.

It took me a few to adjust my brainwaves to things that have whizzed through my own life in the last few years and have brought me right up to this moment in time…this VERY MOMENT. And as the world has gotten so out of sorts, chaotic and unpredictable as of late with everything going on in the world, my individual life and the lives of my loved ones I realized it’s vital to reassess and clean out the compartments’ contents of my life and mind. Our world has changed so drastically in the last 15 years that it’s affected our thinking.

We depend FAR too much on technology and sadly far too little on true, personal human contact. We have lost the ability to communicate without technology. Hell, most people under 40 don’t even know how to live without a cell phone and internet access. Most don’t even own a transistor radio in-case the technology is sabotaged or cut off completely for any period of time. Don’t think it can happen? It happens every day in many other countries and at some point it will happen here in America. Remember, the government owns the internet. They CAN and WILL manipulate citizens with it at some point. Get prepared. Learn how to communicate verbally, and make a fucking plan.

Been cleaning out my house and I dumped out my storage shed and heaved a ton of shit. Drastically reducing the amount of “stuff” I have around me. The feeling is very invigorating. I like it. Less junk to worry about caring for, disposing of, moving or otherwise dealing with by the way of “stuff”. Simplifying makes me much more portable as well, so I believe it will benefit me in the long run in that manner. I don’t plan to stay in this particular place for too many more years, not like I’m moving soon, but I am sure it will be in the cards down the road. I wouldn’t leave New England without a damned good reason anyway!

Organizing my journals and writings is a big undertaking for me. I have a large amount of printed and hand-written personal writings stored in totes in my shed, the closet, and current stuff right here at my fingertips. I’ve been thinking about compiling a book of my adventures and experiences for a long time. I have a friend who has now inspired me to take a harder look at doing this now instead of waiting until I am “ready” – whenever that is supposed to be, no one knows. The thoughts, memories and events memorialized in my writings are good fodder for a book – or a bonfire. One or the other WILL happen in the next 2 weeks – unless the bus comes before I do it!

This last week has been a virtual BITCH in some ways and a relief in others. My tenant moved out – YAY – which makes me extremely happy. He found a place closer to his job. I’m glad he’s gone because, face it, men are pigs in the cleanliness sense if nothing else. Oh, and they smell bad. Just bad. Not appealing at all, even when they don’t have much smell, it’s still not appealing to me, which is most likely because I highly prefer women and 99% of the men I have met in life can easily be replaced by any good woman. I understand they are vital to reproduction or at least right now they are, eventually I am sure the scientific world will figure out how to get around that. Other than that feature I have no need to live with a man in my home. None. So, new policy is female renters only. I know that will have it’s drawbacks, but my immediate, personal world just doesn’t need a man in it.

My new tenant moves in on Friday. I am revamping the room this week. Shampooing the carpet. I want to rip it up and replace it -and I have materials – but I have no help at this time to do it, so it will wait until I can line it up to be done at a more convenient time – or never if the bus comes early! Really isn’t all that important in the scheme of things, or the big picture. She’s an older woman and needs housing for 12-18 months…perfect for me at this time. In 12 months I am sure we will all be in very different places and headspace, so no knowing what will happen. I will just plan for things that make me happy and bring joy and love into my life daily. Plans that I will look forward to; not to wait around for things to change so I can partake of them.

My car…fucking cars…gotta hate em. Last summer I was returning from Logan Airport one night in pitch black and pouring rain. I went to turn into a service station for a beverage and hit a curb – hit it hard. Blew the passenger tire and had to limp home on the spare. Well, come to find out I bent the strut on that side, bent the tie-rod, disconnected the stabilizer arm and bent that…so, yeah, it’s fucked. Needs both struts replaced, new bushings, tie-rods, stabilizer arms, and who knows what once the job is started. So, I’m grounded temporarily while I figure out how to handle it. Either I am going to sell it and buy something else, or I am going to trade it. Either way I am NOT going to invest any more into it. It’s worth about $3500 and it needs a $1400 batch of repairs to remedy the damage done that night. In the meantime I have located a nice little silver Honda CRZ hybrid that should be a nice replacement. More sporty, more economical and they actually do well in the snow due to the battery placement and weight. I did a bunch of research on them already. So, if I can get the price I want to pay I will be driving that in a week or so.

Then my furnace started acting up right after I dropped $502 in fuel oil into the tank. If it’s not one fucking thing, it’s another! Repair guy came out once, thought it was good-to-go, but then it started acting up again a few days ago. This morning, 37 outside, no heat inside. Fuck. Repair guy will be by tomorrow, because I didn’t want to pay an additional $100 Sunday call fee on top of the regular fee, plus parts. I can deal with the temps until tomorrow by using my space heaters, I have 5 of them, 3 large and 2 small. The control switch on the motor needs replacement. I replaced the thermostat yesterday myself thinking that was the issue, then it ran for about an hour and started the shut-down/start-up thing all over again. Last year I replaced the motor and had the blower rehabbed. Once this control is replaced the furnace guts will essentially all be close to new. Should run another 15 years, with a yearly service for upkeep.

I spent a good part of Sunday doing outdoor work around my house and yard. Raking leaves – my 2nd most hated task of home ownership, right behind shoveling snow – and cleaning up debris from last weeks wind storm event. It blew at over 50mph for an entire day…took down my bird feeding station and all. I prepped the dog turn-out area for the winter, staked down the Exofencing and cleaned it all up. My dogs were quite happy playing in the piles of leaves, Nola particularly. Tomorrow they’ll all be bagged and set out for pick up.

I got my firepit out and ready for some November fires. It’s been perfect for fire nights lately. I’ve been going to other’s homes and enjoying their fires and decided to start having a few of my own here. We have bonfires right thru the winter here, it’s really awesome on those cold, clear, calm nights…a nice bonfire under the stars…nothing like it.

Two weeks ago I was sure I was going to have an stressful fall/winter season. Today I feel totally the opposite. I have far fewer worries on my mind replaced by far more new energy to focus on. Somewhere in there I turned a corner, realized I was just allowing myself to absorb too much negativity and it made me miserable and it had to stop. I woke the next morning feeling so much relief. No more waiting, no more wondering, no more bullshit. My mood immediately improved, I woke up smiling and I haven’t had any more trouble sleeping or eating since. I feel like my happy self again, like I felt before the last 2 months happened. Now, new adventures await! And I will insure that the journey will be epic.

There’s a lesson in there I am sure. Still trying to put it into words though. Maybe it’s that I finally realized that I am worth a helluva a lot more than I gave myself credit for…and I know it now, enough to not allow myself to wait on anyone ever again. Either they’re in or they’re out; just that fucking simple! I’m going to focus on happy, not on misery, waiting or placating anyone else by trying to change myself. I am fucking fantastic just as I am – authentically, openly and honestly ME. People can take me as I am or go the fuck away. Misery loves company, I’m sure there’s a group for that on Facebook even, and I am not going to join company with misery!

People are weird. They want you to accept them and all their stuff, yet they don’t always reciprocate that same thing. And having no defensive makes one get defensive. Honesty should beget honesty in a more decent world. So, I’ve learned to believe only half of what someone says and learn more by how they act and react when it counts most. Perhaps I even dodged a bullet. Whatever the fuck it was, it wasn’t good and I didn’t need it to continue. Kind words are so difficult for some to say. Yet they want those words said to them…Yup, in today’s world people are just fucking weird, yet we all love the weirdos!

I have cut my cigg smoking down by over half in the last 2 weeks. It’s been a battle, but I’ve been staying on track regardless. I also reduced the amount of weed I was ingesting as well. I realized I was using it to avoid shit; cover feelings and to try not to feel things. Not good. Thankfully I know myself very, very well and saw my err in judgment with the weed. I make out better by reducing anyways! I will always smoke or do edibles, but I know the right and wrong use and time for it. In the meantime, I made one AWESOME triple batch of edibles. Best batch to date. I used a completely different process all the way from decarbing to the way I made the gummies. They look better, taste better and are nice and soft without being mushy or sticky! Learned some great tricks of the trade from a friend with far more experience and knowledge. If I wasn’t laying in bed typing this I would go take some pics…I’ll do that later and add them here as an update to the post.

I am on the list to get the HIV shot as soon as my doctor has it in stock. That means no more daily meds! An injection once every 6 months will keep everything in check. That makes me exuberantly happy! I changed up 2 other meds, still have to take that med daily but I’m pleased it’s working far better than what I was taking before, and no side-effects like weight gain. After the injections start I will be down to taking one pill a day – plus vitamins and supplements. That will be such a relief as I won’t have to worry about missing any doses. I rarely miss, maybe once a month, but still….misses cause tolerance build up and that is never good.

Today is a big day. My father is undergoing another heart catherization this morning. I’m sure Mom will keep us all updated…it’s fairly routine with him, he’s had several in the past. Hopefully this one will be just as routine and will give him some relief from the chest pains and worry.

Ok, it’s 6am and time to get this party started! The day is going to be nice weather-wise and I have a ton to get done around here. Feels like I always do, but that’s just not really true…I keep up, but it’s a special week. So I am doing extra things and getting my shit all into one fucking sock. hahaha. Holiday fairs start next weekend, need to be ready for those, plus I may go back to HD. I spoke to my old manager and he wants me to come back part time as soon as my transportation crisis is solved. In the meantime I have to keep doing what I’m doing and making ends meet. Going back to HD is kind of appealing, I love the construction atmosphere and the people watching!

Hey, everyone have a GREAT week! Don’t forget to make yourself happy TODAY! Do something kind, be compassionate, be empathetic, be happy as fuck!!!

Peace! ~ MB

Shattering America

Trump has shattered all of the “norms” that we were previously accustomed to in politics in America. Everything we are witnessing being done by #45, Pence, Guilliani, Sonneland, Einsman, Ellis, Trump’s sons, Kushner..oh and PUTIN, is all historic because it’s the first time we have EVER witnessed this level of open, flagrant display of bad manners combined with hate and corruption in the HISTORY of the United States of America.

This is our new reality; a virtual alternate universe of cohersion and sheepish believers. Then there are those of us who are watching in horror and thinking “This really CANNOT be happening…I am hallucinating, or dreaming!!!” It’s something that you can’t even being to guess or make-up what will happen NEXT with this platoon of idiots in unity.

Lt. Col. Alexander Findman told John Einsenburg, the NSC lead lawyer, about his deep concern with the illegality of the Trump Ukraine call. This NSC official went to the White House lawyer who then told this old NSC official NOT to discuss the Trump Ukraine call, then he had him transfer it to the secret server…but he could not do that himself, so he had to instruct someone to push the buttons to DO that…who? More witnesses and co-conspirators / co-defendants. And the plot thickens!

Now we are delving deeper, this whole scandal with the Ukraine seems to date way back to the start of the Trump presidency with Trump trading off Manafort’s being investigated in the Ukraine for embezzling Ukraine government funds and other corrupt acts, for what appears now to be a “favor” down the road…the road reappeared in April 2019 when Zelensky was elected. So many corrupt acts appear to have been committed during the entire #45 presidency that I couldn’t even begin to list them all here….and more are being discovered and revealed daily. It appears obvious that the ENTIRE Trump Administration staff and aides are all involved in this corrupt, constitutionally illegal scheme of Trump’s to insure his retaining office. And EVERY Republican Congressperson voted AGAINST the open hearings that they bitched for over the last 2 weeks straight. They are circling the wagon of corruption like a bunch of Confederates fighting the North. This is ludicrous.

Then we learn that Paul Manafort, Trumps former Campaign guy, had been involved with the Russians and the former, corrupt Ukraine government, and was involved with the Trump 2016 campaign right up until inauguration day. He now sits in prison for his corrupt part in the 2016 campaign. Trump plans to pardon him eventually, he’s been promised that.

The amount of blatant corruption that Trump and associates have brought to the White House and our federal government is astounding to say the least. More and more will come out as time goes on. The open hearings of testimony that will soon begin should be riveting and shocking to many – especially those who still doubt this even happened! It did happen and is STILL happening.

If Trump is not removed from office after impeachment it will embolden him to do even MORE destructive, corrupt acts while in office. He must be removed. This corrupt administration must be stopped before they completely shatter democracy in America.

And where in the hell is AG Bill Barr??? He’s been awful quiet in this whole illegal scandal, refusing to even look at the complaint originally. He’s been overseas trying to investigate something that has already been PROVEN to be false…THAT is a total waste of our tax payer dollars!!! He is hiding from being held accountable by the American people. His day is coming, he will also be impeached and removed eventually for dereliction of duty and obstruction of justice himself.

So, this coming week, as testimony transcripts are released to the public things should become even more interesting and volatile. Trump will throw tantrums and the GOP will stutter and stammer in his defense. It will be sad and comical at the same time.

The 2020 election cannot come soon enough!!!

Peace! ~ MB

Don’t Wait While Life Melts Away

I have insomnia tonight! It always seems like so much to do around here and it’s getting colder by the day. This is the weekend I chose to put everything away, redo some areas, move things around, sort, discard and donate stuff. I was listening to Maine Public Radio (MPR) playing their musical album of the week, it was really good too, and while listening I did some meditation then started doing some research and updating online.

Then I stumbled upon this VERY GOOD video – I even watched it twice, or rather listened mainly. “Change Your Closet, Change Your Life”– Gillian Dunn, TedXWhiteRocky.

I think this one really helped me because I am currently really cleaning my closets out and rearranging storage in my home. Doing this has a cathartic affect on me; change things and purge the junk. I want to get all of these little cumulative tasks and repairs finished before the deep cold weather sets in. Being all alone, it takes a ton of energy and planning, yet I really actually get into it and like the accomplishment feeling when I am finished and can stand back and say, “There. That’s better.”

It also reminds me that waiting for things to happen before you do something, like waiting for a special occasion to wear a certain piece of clothing, you got to think to yourself “What if ‘someday when____ never happens?” Then you’ve lost the joy for nothing while needlessly depriving yourself the pleasure and happiness you should have had while it was there? No, choose your happiness NOW, live NOW, because in that emergency moment in life the important things become very clear in your mind, you won’t remember what you were waiting for.

Yeah, as stuck as I am at this moment with some things in my life, I do know what is important to me and if I were only rich I could do what I really want to do right now, so I am just trying to be patient with life while doing the best things I can do with what I have and keeping myself. I don’t want to let the candle melt…dammit. Life is happening right now, TODAY. Go get it. Wear the stilettos, the good boots, the dress, the new suit, and treat yourself good. Make yourself happy with what makes you happy. Small actions can lead to big things, it’s up to each of us to make it a life we enjoy for ourselves.

I hope you all enjoy this video. I know it’s a little long, but it’s worth it believe me! Hell, I even saved it in my video folders on my channel, so I can remind myself that we can change our lives to be better for us and for the world around us.

I’m off to sleepyville I hope. Damn, I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in I can’t tell you how long. I tend to sleep 2 hour increments and never before 2am lately. It’s actually extra late – or early depending on how you look at it – it’s 3:47am…yeah, time to crash!!

Peace ~ MB

Quid Pro Quo

Trump Corruption Fatigue…it’s a fucking real thing now!

We, in the interest in living in a safe, sane, caring and compassionate world of human rights and equality, ALL need to be woke and understand exactly what is happening RIGHT NOW in the White House, DC and with Trump’s world dealings abroad. Our country has been sold, sold-out and purchased by communists cash ala Vladimir Putin and gang. The longer we allow this to continue as our “new normal” in the United States the faster we spiral into a black abyss of infamy.

If one will zoom out, way out, and look at the global picture, you’ll find a ring of autocratic dictators, all apparently working together to oppress the will and endanger the welfare of most the the people on the planet. Their goal, world order and systematic control of the economy, wealth structure, cultural expression and any other rights you may value right now. Our lives are being affected already every day we breathe. Constant surveillance by cameras, digital devices, smart TV’s, home monitoring systems and all the other strange electronics they’ve basically addicted much of the population of the planet to at this point.

Many countries around the globe have their populations rising up in protest over governmental corruption, violence and poor economic conditions. We are not exempt from ANYTHING here in America. We have all three pre-conditions for top level government change already. What more will it take? We watch the leader of our country commit crimes every single day. He lies to his base, lies to the cameras and journalists, he makes his people – those who work for him or who have ANY aspirations in DC – do his biding, follow his barbaric, moronic lead and commit treasonous crime in his and our country’s name, for the money he can gain doing so.

He treats our military like a dispensable force that he can hire out to whoever will pay the highest dollar. Right now he’s sending 2800 troops to Saudi Arabia – a non-Nato country, with a murderous regime controlling the country and who’s currently invading Yemen – who sent 12 terrorists to American soil on 9/11/01…REMEMBER???

He forced our special forces away from their stations with the Kurds in northern Syria, ceding the ground to Russia. Russian flags now fly over US military installations in northern Syria. SAD. SHAMEFUL. DISGUSTING. He ordered the abandonment of these people who laid down over 11,000 lives for US! So that we didn’t have to do it ourselves! In return we protected them from certain genocide and trained them. Until Trump said “done” and pulled us out. I watched as the armored vehicles left Syria today headed into Iraq to fight ISIS – who Trump claims he already defeated? – and the Kurds were throwing rotten tomatoes at them, some begging them to stay and help them. It was fucking sick. Hundreds are already dead. Certain genocide for these former allies of the USA is eminent. Trump knows it. Republicans know it. Democrats know it. Americans know it Putin ordered it. Erdogan is following Putin’s orders and NO ONE is doing a fucking thing to help these 4 million people. WTF WORLD???

Reports from the lines is that the American troops feel they are abandoning friends and are completely devastated by this order to pull out. If I were still in and there I would be so ashamed, so disassociated from my government and would find this as a cowardly act by my nation; one that would go against every fiber of my being as an American and a soldier. I am SURE they feel that now. This will affect moral indefinitely, this is devastating to leadership all around and will affect enlistment and re-enlistment big time, and will tarnish the shine of the American Military for the duration. This angers all of us veterans and I am sure the enlisted as well.

When this man is impeached I think that every household in America should receive a big Trump head pinata and two Louisville sluggers two days in advance, so we can all celebrate together in a proper way! Hahahaha….I’m almost not kidding…this gives me a funny idea for a party… 🙂

I’ve connected with quite a few people recently who are in the same political activism streams I tend to wade into. It’s kinda cool to be able to discuss politics in detail, share our insights, our guesses, the hilarity of some things we see or hear, and to share the fear of what’s happening with in real-time. Been listening to quite a few shows on NPR/MPR and listening carefully to who’s saying, doing, showing what. Chaos and confusion are the tools of this administration, and they know how to use them well. Especially in social media, so it’s worth watching what you’re allowing through and what those around you are being influenced by, and the opinions they are forming. Everyone is exposed. You must find the good people and good information.

10/22

I just lost 3 paragraphs of updated info I was putting here…I am not going to re-type it. Let’s just say that today was another shocking day in testimony from Amb. William Taylor with his copious notes and revelation that the direction for this whole corrupt scheme concerning the quid pro quo of Trump on the Ukraine, was entirely directed by Trump himself with Guilliani being his man on the spot. This was the most damning testimony yet and the credentials of Amb. Taylor are impeccable. The GOP is now trying to argue process, because they cannot dispute the FACTS of this criminal conspiracy cooked up by Trump and Co. in our Oval Office on the American clock and paid for by American tax dollars. Lock him up.

Remember, Trump withheld Congressionally approved funds for the defense of Ukraine who was being attacked by Russian forces, who had already annexed Crimea. People DIED while these funds were being withheld by Trump. This should not be lost on anyone. There were deadly consequences for some and there are huge national security risks to us, reputational destruction, loss of trust and confidence in the USA to do business on the up and up, with honesty and integrity. Trump is responsible for those who died waiting for those weapons and defense funding that had been promised, approved and should have been sent immediately!!!

The impeachment party is going to be EPIC! I am already pulling together a plan!

That’s it for political ranting tonight. I need to do a brief update blog then I’m off to sleep – I hope anyway!

Peace ~MB

Honest Blogging…what’s my take?

Fandango once again has piqued my interest with a post of his. It’s about how honest one is in their blog posts. The question is posed as follows:

How honest are you to your blog and as such, to your readership? Do you think you can be too honest, too open?

I feel like I have been very truthful and as honest as I can be with my blogs and to my readers. I try to convey what is happening in my life at the moment of the blog and sometimes my blogs are about recurring issues that I deal with; health issues, dog stuff, flirtations and even love. I’ve also written about my experiences with addiction, recovery, relapse and the more negative sides of my life. I’ve never proclaimed to be any sort of saint in my actions or on my life journey. I know I’ve fucked up, back tracked, and had to regroup my brain more than a few times over my 57 years. But life seems to happen in chapters, as I have discussed before, and I am always truthful to the current chapter that I am going through. My opinions and views on things will definitely change, everyone’s do. It’s just part of life and the result of one gaining more knowledge or experience that will change an opinion. Sometimes it’s just something that changes with time.

Currently I am in a really awesome chapter of my life. My 50’s have been some discovery years for sure. A decade of settling in fully to my authentic self and understanding that I am enough and that I DO matter in peoples’ lives. I have a place in this world, a vision and goals. Being brutally honest with my written word is one of those things that I intend to remain true to until the day I stop blogging…at which time I will be being pronounced dead, cuz I plan on blogging to the end.

As part of an older Butch crowd now I have more of a concern for those coming into their own at younger ages. They have to have good, solid role models and examples to learn from. I try to remember that. I may not be the best example of how to be, but I can definitely present some examples of how not to be, and advice on how to avoid perilous situations.

This blog was started back in 2009. Prior to then I blogged mostly on AOL’s former platform. When I quit there I sat and printed out ALL of those old blogs. While those are interesting because they reflect a much younger me as well as a much different me, they are integral to who I am today. It’s interesting to read through some of the really old stuff and try to imagine where my thoughts were at that time and why.

There are some topics in those old, printed blogs and even here on my Butch Perspectives blog that I want to revisit with today’s opinion vs. how I thought when I originally wrote about the topic. I am also going to do this with some of my old video vlogs on Youtube that are so far out-dated that I just have to update them and most likely remove the older stuff. It’s hard to know whether to leave the videos up or not. Right now I am planning to decide one video at a time.

It’s incredible how we continue to grow, learn and change throughout our lives. It’s really a non-stop process of self-preservation. We roll with the punches and adapt depending on what we are faced with or what is happening around us in the world. Attitudes come and go, change and revert. It’s not surprising that so many of us are in medically induced states of mind these days. Anti-depressants are our friends.

So, yes, I feel like I have been authentic and honest in my blogging – at least to the point that I am able to be. Sure, there are things in my head that I will never write about; incidents that are either too painful for me or others to recall in writing, or things that are just best left buried in the back of the darker part of my mind. Again, self-preservation rears it’s head.

Summer time in Texas….August oven!

I am currently in Texas with my girl and having a great time. I love being with her, every minute together we build memories that sustain us when we are apart. She has brought a light into my life that burns bright in my heart, warming my soul. She sparks passion in me that I thought long gone and it feels fucking amazing. I just want to wrap her in my love and protect her from the harshness of the world, but I do not want to ever restrict her from experiencing life in her own ways. Our relationship is very solid from both sides I believe and that is something very unique in my world. Never have I met such a woman like her that is so true to her word and to herself and with me before. I will guard that with everything I have in me.

Texas is hot as fuck. I mean, damn, people here that can function in this kind of super oppressive heat amaze me. We have basically kept outside activity to a minimum, playing in the backyard with the kiddo after dinner when it’s cooler, sitting in the two foot deep kiddie pool laughing and joking around. We’ve gone out sight-seeing and it was basically stopping and taking photos of cool stuff, then jumping right back into the air conditioned car or going into a cool building. Today we went into the Blue Bird Circle Shop in Houston. It is a women’s organization with incredible history of philanthropy and of supporting research and care for Rett patients. And wow, what an incredible shop! It’s all consigned thrift, very high quality and fun stuff. I made a small purchase of a set of special little bunny figures with little dainty butterflies on them, they’re adorable and my Mom collects bunnies, so they’re a gift for her.

Me and the Doc…

My girl’s daughter has Rett, a genetic disorder that affects fine motor skills – speech, hand use, walking, muscle tone and eating. It’s not something easy at all to deal with, but the kid is thriving and is very smart – which makes it doubly frustrating for her and her mother because the child knows what she wants and wants to say, or ask for, but they haven’t quite got the communication down between them. The Bean, which is what we call the little girl, is growing and is now over 4 yrs old and she’s got a LOT to say! You can do a lot of communicating with her by asking yes or no questions and she has developed an eye-contact or head turn to indicate her answer. It’s a start, and it’s not perfect, but I have much hope and optimism that good things are coming down the road – very soon – to help Bean and other little girls like her. There are new treatments being developed every day in the scientific community and we are just waiting for access to them here in the USA.

I love the kid to pieces. She’s got a stellar smile and is really funny sometimes! She loves to laugh and be silly, and when she’s not in agreement with something I say she gives me the most stern “eye-brow” crunch or side-eye look to let me know! It’s kind of cute, and really amazing that she’s so on target with her reactions, so you KNOW she’s understands perfectly what you’re saying!

Bean loves music especially and today I got her a Rocktopus (a FisherPrice toy) that has like 15 instrument capsules that you rotate into it’s various tentacles, I will include a picture so you get the gist of what it looks like. Anyway, Bean LOVES the musical beast. And it helps her improve her hand use and the hand / eye coordination. She just has to think about her movement much harder than what comes so automatically to you or I. She’s doing really well with it though, I’ve seen marked improvement over the last year.

Rocktopus by Fisher Price
2019 Toy of The Year Award

We did a ton of sightseeing in Houston yesterday…I will post those pictures in the next blog…later today, so watch your feeds!!

Peace! ~ MB