Some I agree with and some I don’t, but is extremely well written and a great piece all around! I enjoy all of this particular bloggers work she has her thumb right on the pulse of the butch femme world.
Fandango once again has piqued my interest with a post of his. It’s about how honest one is in their blog posts. The question is posed as follows:
How honest are you to your blog and as such, to your readership? Do you think you can be too honest, too open?
I feel like I have been very truthful and as honest as I can be with my blogs and to my readers. I try to convey what is happening in my life at the moment of the blog and sometimes my blogs are about recurring issues that I deal with; health issues, dog stuff, flirtations and even love. I’ve also written about my experiences with addiction, recovery, relapse and the more negative sides of my life. I’ve never proclaimed to be any sort of saint in my actions or on my life journey. I know I’ve fucked up, back tracked, and had to regroup my brain more than a few times over my 57 years. But life seems to happen in chapters, as I have discussed before, and I am always truthful to the current chapter that I am going through. My opinions and views on things will definitely change, everyone’s do. It’s just part of life and the result of one gaining more knowledge or experience that will change an opinion. Sometimes it’s just something that changes with time.
Currently I am in a really awesome chapter of my life. My 50’s have been some discovery years for sure. A decade of settling in fully to my authentic self and understanding that I am enough and that I do matter in peoples’ lives. I have a place in this world, a vision and goals. Being brutally honest with my written word is one of those things that I intend to remain true to until the day I stop blogging…at which time I will be being pronounced dead, cuz I plan on blogging to the end.
As part of an older Butch crowd now I have more of a concern for those coming into their own at younger ages. They have to have good, solid role models and examples to learn from. I try to remember that. I may not be the best example of how to be, but I can definitely present some examples of how not to be, and advice on how to avoid perilous situations.
This blog was started back in 2009. Prior to then I blogged mostly on AOL’s former platform. When I quit there I sat and printed out ALL of those old blogs. While those are interesting because they reflect a much younger me as well as a much different me, they are integral to who I am today. It’s interesting to read through some of the really old stuff and try to imagine where my thoughts were at that time and why.
There are some topics in those old, printed blogs and even here on my Butch Perspectives blog that I want to revisit with today’s opinion vs. how I thought when I originally wrote about the topic. I am also going to do this with some of my old video vlogs on Youtube that are so far out-dated that I just have to update them and most likely remove the older stuff. It’s hard to know whether to leave the videos up or not. Right now I am planning to decide one video at a time.
It’s incredible how we continue to grow, learn and change throughout our lives. It’s really a non-stop process of self-preservation. We roll with the punches and adapt depending on what we are faced with or what is happening around us in the world. Attitudes come and go, change and revert. It’s not surprising that so many of us are in medically induced states of mind these days. Anti-depressants are our friends.
So, yes, I feel like I have been authentic and honest in my blogging – at least to the point that I am able to be. Sure, there are things in my head that I will never write about; incidents that are either too painful for me or others to recall in writing, or things that are just best left buried in the back of the darker part of my mind. Again, self-preservation rears it’s head.
Summer time in Texas….August oven!
I am currently in Texas with my girl and having a great time. I love being with her, every minute together we build memories that sustain us when we are apart. She has brought a light into my life that burns bright in my heart, warming my soul. She sparks passion in me that I thought long gone and it feels fucking amazing. I just want to wrap her in my love and protect her from the harshness of the world, but I do not want to ever restrict her from experiencing life in her own ways. Our relationship is very solid from both sides I believe and that is something very unique in my world. Never have I met such a woman like her that is so true to her word and to herself and with me before. I will guard that with everything I have in me.
Texas is hot as fuck. I mean, damn, people here that can function in this kind of super oppressive heat amaze me. We have basically kept outside activity to a minimum, playing in the backyard with the kiddo after dinner when it’s cooler, sitting in the two foot deep kiddie pool laughing and joking around. We’ve gone out sight-seeing and it was basically stopping and taking photos of cool stuff, then jumping right back into the air conditioned car or going into a cool building. Today we went into the Blue Bird Circle Shop in Houston. It is a women’s organization with incredible history of philanthropy and of supporting research and care for Rett patients. And wow, what an incredible shop! It’s all consigned thrift, very high quality and fun stuff. I made a small purchase of a set of special little bunny figures with little dainty butterflies on them, they’re adorable and my Mom collects bunnies, so they’re a gift for her.
My girl’s daughter has Rett, a genetic disorder that affects fine motor skills – speech, hand use, walking, muscle tone and eating. It’s not something easy at all to deal with, but the kid is thriving and is very smart – which makes it doubly frustrating for her and her mother because the child knows what she wants and wants to say, or ask for, but they haven’t quite got the communication down between them. The Bean, which is what we call the little girl, is growing and is now over 4 yrs old and she’s got a LOT to say! You can do a lot of communicating with her by asking yes or no questions and she has developed an eye-contact or head turn to indicate her answer. It’s a start, and it’s not perfect, but I have much hope and optimism that good things are coming down the road – very soon – to help Bean and other little girls like her. There are new treatments being developed every day in the scientific community and we are just waiting for access to them here in the USA.
I love the kid to pieces. She’s got a stellar smile and is really funny sometimes! She loves to laugh and be silly, and when she’s not in agreement with something I say she gives me the most stern “eye-brow” crunch or side-eye look to let me know! It’s kind of cute, and really amazing that she’s so on target with her reactions, so you KNOW she’s understands perfectly what you’re saying!
Bean loves music especially and today I got her a Rocktopus (a FisherPrice toy) that has like 15 instrument capsules that you rotate into it’s various tentacles, I will include a picture so you get the gist of what it looks like. Anyway, Bean LOVES the musical beast. And it helps her improve her hand use and the hand / eye coordination. She just has to think about her movement much harder than what comes so automatically to you or I. She’s doing really well with it though, I’ve seen marked improvement over the last year.
We did a ton of sightseeing in Houston yesterday…I will post those pictures in the next blog…later today, so watch your feeds!!
I’m heavily involved with a woman in a very long-distance relationship. I am madly in love with my woman and i believe the feeling is mutual for her as well. We met about 18 months ago online and hit it off very quickly. Neither of us were looking for any sort of “relationship” like the one that has taken us both by major surprise! I am super happy being with her; being around her and just having her in my life in whatever ways I can manage to make that happen.
She works especially hard at keeping us in tight contact and in visiting me as much as she possibly can manage. She also has an almost 4 yr old daughter who requires major amounts of her time and energy. It’s been really terrific how she has allowed me to fit into her busy life; welcoming me into her heart and her home.
At the beginning of this month I took a flight down to Texas to spend 5 days with her and the little one, in their space and learning about how their lives go and what they like to do.I have to say that it was the most relaxing and awesome 5 days for me. She treats me so incredibly good. I don’t know what good deed I did that brought this major good karma to me in the form of her and her love for me, but whatever it was I hope I keep doing it! I truly do not want this to ever end. Ever.
I could see myself completely in a full-time daily relationship with this woman very, very easily and I believe I would absolutely love every minute of it – like I love every minute I spend with her. The electricity between us in high-voltage for sure. She is definitely my Kryptonite.
The most difficult thing for me is the distance and the communication at times. I miss the things that can only be had in a closer vicinity relationship, like daily kisses, dinner together and discussing our days, sleeping next to the one I love the most in this world and waking up next to her in the morning. These are the things you give up when you agree to a long-distance relationship. What makes them easier for me is that when we ARE together everything is so very important; every moment, every second counts twice as much. I find that I cannot fill my vision with enough of her and her smile, her eyes and those sexy lips so I am often staring at her alot when we are together. I value our time in the presence of one another more than anything. And it’s very hard when we again have to go our separate ways and back to the lives we live daily without each other’s physical presence and touch.
I have said in the past that I wouldn’t do another LDR, but I was swept off my path by the entry of this incredible woman into my life. We started by just innocently talking online, by email and then by messenger. One thing lead to another and we began Skyping – which is a terrific way to get to know someone from a distance in my opinion. I found myself very drawn to her; moreso every time we spoke and every time I saw her beautiful face on my computer screen or her name come up in my messenger on my phone. I got excited to hear from her, even the smallest things I wanted to know about her and wanted to talk to her about. I love that she is super smart and very dedicated to her daughter, her job and her life in Texas. I love that she has somehow found ways to make time to fit me into that picture as well. She means the whole world to me.
I don’t usually connect with women who contact me online looking to date or hook up. It’s a sketchy thing to me. I don’t trust people and I am a miser with my time and energy. When she contacted me I didn’t realize it would result in major feelngs and changes in my life. I didn’t realize it would lead to a deep and growing love and passion beyond expectations, but it did and I am extremely happy that it has worked out this way.
We’ve been doing this long-distance thing now for about 16 months…We have managed to see one another every 6-8 weeks since the beginning. We did just extended that and went almost 3 months without any face-to-face time and it was EVILLY HARD!!! We decided we didn’t like that at all and are going to try to stick closer to the six to eight week schedule that worked better for us. I just hope we can keep it working on that schedule somehow.
I know I give up a lot by choosing long-distance love. Some days I want someone who is right here with me, who wakes up with me and has morning coffee and sleepy chat. It’s harder just being alone all the time. No one to depend on, no one to share with, no one to notice things and no one to understand the days. I’ve contemplated a more poly arrangement, but I don’t believe a substitute in my bed would really workout very well. Plus, finding a woman who would be amendable to that type of arrangement would be a tad more difficult. No, I know who has my heart and who I want in my bed. Enough said.
We each choose to be exactly where we are at this moment simply by doing the things we have done and continue to do. That is our reality.
Today is Veteran’s Day and also the 100th anniversary of Armistice Day, 11/11/1918, the end of World War I. As a US Army veteran, and the offspring of a US Marine, born on a Marine base even, I honor all Veterans on this day – and every day. Thank you to those who served, and those who supported them and especially to those who gave all and their Gold Star families.
Me, at White Sands Missile Range in White Sands New Mexico circa August 1984. I was 22 yrs old and full of hell. I really liked the Army, and had it not been an issue that I was so out and proud I may have chosen to make a career out of it.
I’m pretty much a loner in life. I live alone, deal with life by myself day by day and it’s okay. I have a great woman in my life who visits me periodically, which is nice, but still I’m alone in the end as she returns to her people and regular life. This IS my regular life. It’s best this way. No one seems to be able to handle the whole of me. Just too much; too involved. Too scary.
I am a very deep thinker. I stay well versed in world events, issues that concern me and lots of other things I find interesting. Sometimes I am too affected by things. I am too sensitive. Yet, some say not sensitive enough in the right ways. Butch curse. When I show emotion it’s weakness or construed as negativity, and when I do not show it right it’s ignorance.
Some days the loneliness of just physically being alone in life gets to me. I feel it in my heart. No one to talk to except the computer or my dogs. No one to notice or understand my sadness or even my happiness. No one to tell me it’s going to be okay eventually.
I’m searching for a way to not feel this way. For a way to just accept things at face value and not want more. It’s hard though, to just cut yourself off and say that’s all there is, very hard. It’s human nature to gravitate toward what one wants. So, doing this goes against my very core nature. I must stop looking or waiting for something that is not there.
So what do I seek in the end? The company of someone who wants me as I am. I want tenderness when I’m down, not a suggestion that I am somehow in the wrong. Someone who cares as much about my feelings and what’s happening in my world as I would about theirs. I want to be there for someone, and have them there for me.
I have a lot of trouble expressing exactly what Is wrong when I am feeling down. Usually because I don’t want to be a bother or to bring negativity to anyone else, and sometimes just because I don’t have the words to put it into understandable context. So, I have found it easier and safer keep to myself. I’ve created this loneliness. I’m King of my own castle. And here I will stay. Alone.
I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately; deep thinking, light thinking, silly stuff, and just plain random shit runs through my mind in a constant flow of factoids and ponderings. Most of it has been the result of changing anti-depressant medication. Whoa…I didn’t know it would be this rough! My dreams have been off-the-charts wild as fuck.
Every day is not rainbows, I know. Some days just suck, but we struggle through them toward that time when we lay our heads down at night, close our eyes and hope tomorrow is even a tiny bit better. We use the resources available to us and we figure it out somehow. That’s being human. That’s just part of being alive and living life.
I can be a little complex at times. I have walked a few different trails in my life and of course, I am the sum of those experiences. What happens to us sometimes defines us in very specific ways. I have been thinking about that a lot the last couple of weeks. Who I am and why I am, crazy shit like that.
My girl is long distance, which has its own set of fucked up challenges. I miss her all the time, but this is how it works for us. It’s not perfect, but I love her and don’t want to stop. She’ll be here for 4 days in a month, I’m so in need of her visit! Being with her just makes me feel so much better; relaxed and happy. It’s very hard not being able to be there for her when she might need me. I can only do so much over the phone, Skype and text…which frustrates the fuck outta me at times.
She works so hard and is managing her daughter with special needs getting to and from school, daycare, feedings, etc…it’s all a LOT for her. She has some help there, I know, but I still wish like hell I could be there. I naturally worry about HER health and well-being during all that goes on in her days. I encourage her to eat and take care of herself, but the stress on her is pretty formidable right now and I feel the tension in her voice.
There are moments when I wonder if managing a relationship with me doesn’t just make things that much harder for her. But I know that we love each other and I couldn’t – or won’t – stop now. I’ve committed myself to her and will just continue to try to bring good things to her life; make memorable contributions as I can.
Sure, I have my insecurities and I tend to over-think sometimes. She is very into the “in the moment” mind space. Sometimes that throws me a bit. I like to think forward a little. And being a writer and a lover of words, I sometimes either read or interpret their meanings incorrectly. It has caused me a bit of angst on more than one occasion, and we’ve dealt with it.
Sometimes I’m afraid of loving her so much. Sometimes I feel a little in the way. I love her so deeply and really try to keep things calm and focused for her. The less drama on my end the better, so I stay very chill and think things through.
I’m starting to ramble; my head is so full of stuff lately, and the med changes aren’t helping me much. Today I was on the verge of tears for a couple of hours after having a negative experience at the pharmacy and with my prescriptions. It aggravated me so much I drove angrily home with tears in the corners of my eyes. I hate feeling that way. Maybe it IS easier just not to feel at all.
I have a couple of things to talk about here today. It’s Monday, August 27, 2018 and with just 4 more days of August ahead of us I am beginning to look toward September; the arrival of cooler temperatures to Maine, fall festivals and agricultural fairs, the leaves beginning to turn colors and yes, the annual return to wearing flannel shirts and work boots. Fall or Autumn is my most favorite time of year.
I noticed yesterday that the lawns and tree leaves were now reflecting that “mature” darker green in their preparation to begin the colorful yearly die-off; getting naked for winter. It’s around this time of year that I get mums for the fall, to display on my front steps and in the garden. It’s really the only true annual flowering plant that I do invest in every year. They’re hardy, kind of impervious to the vast temperature flux of our September and October days, and they last a good long time. I like the bright yellow, orange, lavender and brick read colors too, they’re different from the brilliant summer blooms of other plants. So, this weekend I will hit Lowe’s and get probably 12 of them and create my fall display outside. Oh! And I have homegrown pumpkins from my garden! It’s been a banner garden year.
Sen. John McCain’s death
America lost a truly great politician a couple of days ago. We knew it was coming, and with his refusal of all treatment the day before we understood the time was near. The next news was his passing at 4:28 pm with his family and close friends at his bedside. It was a sad point when the newscaster came across with “Breaking News” of his death. I stopped for a minute, remembered how cantankerous and incorrigible McCain could be, but then also remembered how brave and courageous he was too. I didn’t always agree with his politics, but I always agreed with his patriotism and with that love of country that the man had in him. I always respected him from a military point; he was a pilot with the US Navy and was shot down and became a POW. During his detention he suffered brutally at the hands of the Vietnamese, often beaten and tortured horribly on a daily basis. THAT is some bad ass shit to live through, and yet he did and spoke of it often. It was no secret that he had witnessed or experienced directly some pretty fucked up stuff. And yet, his love of country got him through it and gave us a well-rounded man of honor that served his country for 60 years altogether. Yeah, John, you did good. Now rest. We got it from here.
I won’t forget how he was staunchly against Trump’s rhetoric and evil policy bullshit. I won’t forget the photos of him returning, a mess, from Vietnam. I won’t forget that he is the father of Megan McCain, a lesbian woman, and yet he did not support same-sex marriage or civil unions, yet he was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans, who supported both. I often wonder how Megan feels about her father’s lack of supportive position? McCain was a Liberlist Conservative. Voting conservatively about 60% of the time and more liberal leaning about 40% of the time. He often voted with Obama, which was a good thing. Now Obama and Bush 43 will be giving the eulogies at his funeral. Appropriate.
I am imagining it will be a HUGE television event, watched by millions here and around the world. THAT will just serve to piss on #45 and could instigate him to do something stupid or bombastic just to re-focus attention on himself. #45 is an egotistical fuck and cannot stand to be upstaged. I can hear his stupid ass saying “…fucking McCain! What kind of man is he? Dying in the middle of MY precious news coverage extravaganza?” yup, he’s crying in his koolaid about now.
I only wish that we had MORE men in our political system, specifically the Senate and House, that had the balls and fortitude of John McCain. #45 wouldn’t stand a chance. He’s afraid of REAL men and women; those who talk back, question him, tell him he’s wrong and call him out on his crimes. It’s pathetic and makes me sick that almost ALL of the current office holders in our government don’t have the guts to stand up to #45.
I am now calling him “#45” instead of his given name. He’s just a number. He’s a bad number, playing a horrible game with the USA and the rest of the world. After he’s gone we will right things once again and his memory will fade, he’s just a number now and will be just another stupid number in the future. He was put into our highest political office fraudulently; through the use of criminal activity, Russian influence, voting interference and black money. He will NEVER be remembered for anything “good” but only as the worst thing we ever allowed to happen to America. And yes, we allowed him to take office. MOST voting eligible citizens of our country did NOT even vote in the last presidential election in 2016.
My Weed Plant
…is growing like a WEED! Bwhahaha! I laugh! Yes, it’s kind of amazing, the plant has broken the 6′ height mark and is thriving. I am going to build a hot house around it this weekend. Two reasons: security and maximum growth. Hilda is in the stage of white hairs appearing, the hint of buds coming, and just getting fatter by the day. I’ve learned a LOT from this experience of growing marijuana plants. I’m very interested now in furthering that experience by starting a hydroponic grow in my back room / zen room. Once I procure the necessary eqipment and set it up properly I’m going to give indoor growing a shot. I have not yet decided what I am going to DO with all this weed, whether I leave it as flower or make it into edibles and dabs. We shall see; the research is not complete.
Missing my girl
It’s been about a week and a half since my girl left to return to her home in Texas. Fuck. I miss her wicked bad. But, life must go on, and get back to some sembelance of “normal” for both of us. She has her life, work and a business there, and I have my own set of responsibilities here. Long distance relationships are difficult at very best. We both “get” this completely. We’re not fooled by any of it. Relegated to messenger, phone calls and the sporadic Skype-a-thon we’re making it work. I even get to see her little girl when we Skype on the weekend mornings.
We have photos and shared Google albums, but there isn’t anything that compares to real time spent together. I look forward to her next in-person visit, hopefully in mid-October. And in January, when I can travel once again, perhaps I’ll venture to Texas at some point while it’s cold and snowy here in Maine. All I know is that I can’t spend enough time with this woman and with that in mind I’ll do whatever I am able to do to see her whenever possible. When we are together I want to keep her within three feet of me at all times! RAWRRRR…damn.
Ok, I’m off to work on some photo books and other crafty stuff today. Hope you are all doing well.
Answer this in the comments: How do you manage distance in a relationship? If you live with your lover, how do you manage space and alone time?