Again on Butch-femme Relationships

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I have just had the pleasure of reading a most outstanding piece on Huffpost  called “Redefining Butch-femme Relationships”, by Georgia Kollas, writer, Huffington Post blogger, and cultural observer.  I loved it!  It could not have been any better!  I encourage all of you to give it a good read!

Also, Ms. Kollas is a self-identified as a femme, a “strong, badass” one at that!  I love reading about the “dance” from a femme perspective as it’s obviously the opposite, yet the same as my own experience from my stance as a Butch.

To quote one favorite and much agreed with paragraph from Ms. Kollas’s article:

…We are yin and yang – seemingly oppositional forces that are actually complementary and interconnected. We offer a devoted appreciation for the gender expression of the other, an affirmation of intrinsic qualities that make us who we are. Each of us is unique, with our own blend of characteristics along a gender spectrum. We all carry both masculine and feminine aspects within ourselves.

I so agree that we are the “yin” and “yang” in each other’s worlds.  We are the same, yet complete opposites that need on another for happiness and love.  We, both identities, thrive on the energy that our opposite exudes.  As a femme loving Butch, I am very strongly attracted to the softer essence of the femme, and to her fierce badass parts as well.  It’s not just about the sex, it’s about the “big picture” that each of us has in mind.  It’s about the sensuality, both strong and intriguing, that lures us to each other; to desiring to be in one another’s presence.

I’ve always heard the old “mimicking hetero” stuff, even from other lesbian identified people in my community.  And it makes me chuckle to myself because that’s really not what Butch-femme relationships are at all.   As a Butch I do not desire to be or to mimic a man; I am a undeniably a female person who is entrenched in masculinity from within my soul.  I embrace my masculinity, and I love women who embrace their femininity with that same reciprocating enthusiasm – particularly lesbian identified femmes who find my Butch-ness appealing and attractive.

I appreciate the power of a femme; that alluring mystique that captivates my every thought when I am with her.  I love the flirtations and the magic that happens within the Butch-femme dance.  That magic fills my chest with pride; pride for being with such beautiful and sexy woman that makes my masculinity feel so perfect to me.  There is just nothing akin to the exquisite dance that happens when we are connecting.

Another favorite line from Ms. Kollas writing,

I love butch–femme and the particular dynamic that exists when two people are firmly in their fullest expression of their gender and interconnected in a dance of complementary opposites.

I see femmes as precious beings; ones to be protected and to be loved deeply.  As I run my fingers through her long hair, balling my hand into a fist and pull her head back to kiss her passionately it is actually she who controls that very moment, as it is she gives me that power.  There is a power exchange in the Butch-femme dynamic that is fierce, yet so subtle and we feel it deep in our bones; spiritually, emotionally and sexually.

We know the deal, and we’re in-tune as we dance.

Kudos to Ms. Kollas on this wonderful article!

Peace.  ~MB

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Rough Sunday…

It’s Sunday and I’ve felt really down and depressed all damned day.  I just re-blogged a post from Sam Dylan Finch of LetsQueerThingsUp.com, and he really nails it with some great advice and suggestions on how to help yourself when you’re feeling out of whack like I am today.  I even checked out the tele-therapist he suggested, TalkSpace and had a short conversation about rates with them….it’s basically $156 a month for the plan, or $39 weekly billed by the month. Too rich for me today, I just finished paying all my bills and bringing things current so I don’t have much left to be spending on tele-therapy this week.  But, I will be considering – and probably subscribing – this in the future.  I have a difficult time making my weekly appointment with my face-to-face therapist, I’ve missed the last 3 weeks actually and need to give her a call soon.

I’ve been going to my Groups: Recover Together meetings every Wednesday (except when I was away) and I depend on that group therapy and the Suboxone script every week.   I am switching up to Tuesday this week because my best friend also attends Groups and I am having a hard time really focusing on my own personal recovery while worrying about her.  I also find that I can’t really share like I should with her in the same group.  As things stand right now I haven’t heard from her in about 3 days, which makes me very suspicious that she’s fallen back into using.  I tried calling a few times and it went to voice mail after a half dozen rings, so then I started texting but got no reply.  I’ve tried every day, but no response. That makes me super upset.  We are very close – or we were and we even got clean together a year ago on her birthday.  She is usually part of my every day, we talk or text several times daily.  So her ghosting me is a bad omen.

Now there’s been another mass killing, this time in a Baptist church in Texas.  Twenty-six people dead and many injured.  THIS kind of shit has GOT to STOP!  America is becoming very known as the land of mass murder.  Our gun laws are ridiculously lax and our government is control by the NRA (National Rifle Association) and their massive money.  This latest shooting, while it’s horrible, hasn’t been on the news much.  We’ve become complacent, it’s become part of the fabric of life here.  And it’s very sad, and angering.

I must get some sleep.  It’s been a truly troubling day.  I’m hoping that some of the stuff that Sam Finch brought to my attention with his blogs and website will be helpful, but right now I am too tired to do any more today.  I am hoping for a good night of deep sleep and to rest my tired brain.

Peace.  ~MB

 

Ten Months…

Today I had my Groups: Recover Together meeting.  It’s basically weekly group therapy for opioid addicts trying to get clean, and in recovery.  I have been going to Groups now for over 6 months, and today got my 6 month token.  Its’ just a little pocket coin to fiddle with and remind yourself that you are in recovery and yes, you can do this!

2017-09-13 19.46.10I’m pretty proud that I have managed to kick my opioid addiction and stay clean for almost 10 months now.  Oct. 28th will be my 1 year anniversary.  It hasn’t been easy, I’ve had some really tough days and brutal nights.  I am currently in the Suboxone program. Suboxone is a drug used to curb the cravings and block the effect of opioids.  Basically, as long as I take my daily sublingual strips, which are paper strip that I put under my tongue and let dissolve for 7 minutes without swallowing — yeah, TRY to go 7 whole minutes without swallowing, it’s a real trick!  Anyway, as long as I take those I don’t have the hellish cravings for the drug, and even if I did do any dope it would be “blocked” by the Naloxone in the Suboxone strip.  Rendering doing it absolutely useless…I wouldn’t get high, so why bother?  It’s a phychological thing as well as a physical thing I believe.

Going to the weekly group meeting, where I am in a room with 8-10 other addicts all in the same boat, and all doing the same basic thing – trying to eliminate addiction from their lives.  We have developed a pretty tightly knit group at this point.  We’ve come to hold one another’s feet to the fire.  When you arrive at the office for the meeting you have to take a piss test, and they test it on the spot for any drugs.  It’s a 6 way test.  As long as you don’t test for any drugs except for the Suboxone (buprenorphine) you are good to go.  You go into the group meeting and when you are finished you pick up your weekly prescription from the coordinator on the way out.  You can test positive for marijuana also, it’s legal here so they don’t dock you for having it in your system.  Plus, many of us use it for pain relief, which is why many of us started using the opioid drugs to begin with.  Marijuana isn’t considered to be a problem in this program, and I don’t believe it’s a problem drug if used smartly.  If you test positive for any other drug you are pulled aside and have to meet with the counsellor before you can pick up your script.  You have to explain why you are positive and generally they will give you a break and a chance to continue.  If you habitually test positive, or have a “dirty” or “hot” result you can be tossed out of the program.  And no one wants that!  Going to these meetings in order to get your prescription, being tested weekly, and bein accountable has become pretty damned important to me.  I need the Subs, so I follow the program and it’s kept me on track very well.

The opioid crisis is a nationwide crisis affecting all communities regardless of age, race, gender, religion, social status, or wealth.  It doesn’t discriminate.  I know many very prominent people in my community that hide secret addictions to these powerful drugs such as Percocet, oxycodone, Vicodin, Heroin and Fentanyl.  Once the drug gets you hooked you are in a fight for your life.  Too many times I have seen that fight end in death.  I didn’t want to be another one of those statistics.  Maine has an unusually high number of addicts, and a very high over-dose rate.  It’s a rural state, and for some reason has become a very big state for the trafficking of these potent drugs.

Tonight on ABC television here in the US there is a show that’s going to be on that’s called “State of Addiction” which will talk all about the epidemic we are facing here.  I plan to watch it and have encouraged my family and loved ones to do the same.  I can tell them things, but I think that hearing them from people who combat this every day will be even better for them to understand.  I am very lucky to have a very good support network of family, friends and a very supportive and loving girlfriend.  Without them I don’t think I would have made it back to sobriety….I thank every single one of them, and especially my dear Mother who I put through hell and back with worry and angst.  I’m sorry for all of it, but an addict doesn’t see those things or the way they are affecting people around them when they are actively using.  It’s not til one gets clean that we can look back and realize the damage we have done, and just hope and try to fix it somehow.

Peace.  ~MB

 

And I don’t wanna miss a thing…

It’s a nice cool 61 degree morning here on the coast of Maine, albeit a rather overcast day.  The clouds gathering above me in the sky are heavy and full of rain – which will surely soon be pouring down upon my thirsty gardens and lawn spaces, thankfully.

I am up. I got up at 4:30am after a few short hours of sleep.  I’ve been having the most insane dreams lately.  I’m not sure if it’s med related, stress related or just that I am fucking weird.  Again last night I dreamed of being in the Army once again, and this time being deployed to control riots surrounding the Charlottesville white supremacist rally.  Yes, my dreams are overlapping into what is happening in real life here in America.  If I were able I would re-join the Army in a heart beat, but I’m aged out at 55.  Even so, I still dream of being in uniform again every now and then.  I often lament that I should have stayed my ass in the military until retirement.  But back in the mid-80’s when I finished my tour of duty the climate around being lesbian and in the Army was not good.  They were still in the midst of having monthly “witch hunts” and “round ups” of gays and lesbians to throw out of the service just for being who they were.  I narrowly avoided a couple of those round ups because I did not use my real name back then.  Off-post I had an entirely different identity; living stealth in order to maintain my position with the Army.  I did not want to have to explain a discharge that was other than honorable to my father – a man I feared and respected; a man who said I did not have the “balls to join” the Army…yeah, I was busy showing him what a damned good soldier looked like!

…and I digress…

I was saying, it is a fantastic start to my day here.  Life has been changing lately for me, as I mentioned briefly in previously posted blogs here.  I’ve been making changes, still growing and just relaxing more into myself and into life.  I’ve been trying hard to become more aware of myself; of my internalized phobias, and trying to work on those. We all have them, we try to deny it but it’s a fact.  I’ve been trying harder to think about what other people are going through or are concerned with and to be empathetic to those things.  I think it’s making me a better person.  I hope it is.

I have been getting out more the last few weeks.  Doing more by the way of social sort of stuff.  Generally I keep quietly to myself.  But I have realize that this isn’t doing my psyche any damned good.  Thus I have made more of a concerted effort to socialize and get the hell out of the house days.

On the 10th I went out to The Old Ferry Landing in downtown Portsmouth, NH with my whole family for a birthday dinner for my mother.  The Landing is right on the Piscataqua River, in Portsmouth Harbor.  It’s the very spot where the old ferry would land to bring passengers and freight back and forth across the river between Maine and New Hampshire up until the first draw bridge was built in the 1930’s.  So it’s a very historic spot, and when I am there I imagine what it might have been like for my grandmother to ride that ferry to town, which she did back then.  So it’s like walking in the footsteps of my ancestors.

Right next to the landing is the home of the Moran Tugs.  These tug boats are used to guide commercial vessels through the channels of the Piscataqua, one of the fastest current salt water rivers in the world, and through the two draw bridges that span the river.  There is a 3rd bridge, the “high level” we call it, that is high enough to navigate ships beneath, so it is stationary.  Right now the “middle bridge” of the Sarah Mildred Long Bridge, is being replaced.  It’s quite the project building a new draw bridge with all of today’s technology incorporated into it.  The project is the talk of the seacoast at this time.

Here are some good pictures of me, my family, the restaurant and the tugs.  Taken with my new Moto phone’s camera.

And while I was in the city (Portsmouth) I happened by a little shop that is owned by a dear old friend of mine. She is actually the woman who worked at the clinic where I tested positive for HIV back in 1992.  She is the one who had to break the news to my bewildered ass.  And I was the first woman she had ever had to tell they were positive.  So we have a sort of bond because of this happening to us back then.  We have always stayed in touch on the fringes, seeing each other at various outings, like Pride, Women’s March, and others.  Well, she dragged me into her little shop, which is for femmes let me tell ya, it’s full of jewelry, scarves, and hats…oh the hats…seems they were having a little “hat party” at the moment that I happened by on my way to the Ferry Landing.  Once inside they took great glory in having a Butch in their midst.  I got flirted with and poked fun of and then THIS happened: Ang Hat Pic

Yep, they made me try on one of the foofy hats…and they sure did get a laugh out of it, as did I.  I graciously allowed them to take this pic…so here it is for prosperity…and you all get a good chuckle out of it too.  🙂

This last Saturday I went up to celebrate my neices’s birthdays – Kyle and Meagan are both 23 this year…oy vey…and they often celebrate together as they are only 4 days apart in age.  Yes, 1994 was a very busy year for my family! lol.  It was the year I became an Auntie.  Auntie Butch…go figure. One of the proudest times of my life.  Here are some pics from the pool party we had Saturday.

Yes, it was complete with fresh off the boat Maine lobsters!  And they sure were great.  They are hard shell right now and full of good meat.  I had a fun time sending pics of them to my girlfriend and freaking her out…she’s never had a lobster.  Soon…very soon.

Yes, you read that right.  Girlfriend.  I formally asked her to be my girlfriend.  Hey, it’s the Butch way, you got to be respectful; not assume anything.  If you don’t ask; if you don’t together label what you have then it’s not official.  That’s my code anyway.

I’ve known this woman for close to a decade now…she’s been right in front of me and I just wasn’t ready…and in reality neither was she.  Both of us were on other paths; going through other things of our own and were just aware of each other on the fringes…but come to find out we WERE both aware…

The last 10 years I have been involved in some not so good situations.  I was with one woman on and off for many of those years.  I thought we would be together basically forever, but she met a man and realized she wasn’t who she thought she was.  Did it hurt?  Hell yeah.  But I don’t want anything to do with a woman who may be the least bit straight in any way, shape or form – not even a little bit.  So that ended, and ended very abruptly.  It’s for the best, I was “settling” I now see.  I didn’t have that passionate love for her that I need to have for the forever woman in my life. Then I started to get involved with another woman, but turned out she was so deep in the closet that she was kissin the back wall hard…So, yeah, I had some fuck ups along the way here, but it’s all behind me now.

I backed off dating completely; just gave the fuck up and figured I’d just be happier sticking to myself and not getting involved with anyone, it seemed to always be just too damned complicated.

That worked for a good while…then she somehow got my attention and things turned in a different direction. We got to just casually talking at first, and then it became clear that we had both been stealthily following each other for almost 10 years…interacting on rare occasions, but just enough to stay in touch.  We began daily conversations, got into some pretty deep stuff from both of our lives.  Both being bloggers and being each other’s followers, we knew quite a bit about one another; each had watched the other go through a myriad of struggles over the decade. We filled in those blanks; those things that we didn’t disclose in our blogs, the intimate details…lots of very personal stuff we have shared.  I’m not afraid of her hurting me, I’ve let that wall down and damn, it sure feels great.  To finally have someone who I can trusts with my heart.

Fast forward a little bit and I have really connected with this great woman.  She has stolen my heart…in a very good way.  She makes me smile, laugh, think and want to be all that I can be for her – and for myself.   I keep pinching myself to see if this is real; to see if I am really awake and that this is happening for us.  We’ve gotten really close, sharing our fears, our dreams, and our mutual affection for one another.  I haven’t felt this way in a very long time….like since 2007…and I don’t exactly know where this journey with her will take me, but I am sure going to find out.  I’m not letting go now for anything…anything.  I’ve needed her for so long, and now she’s right in front of me right where she belongs.  In my heart and in my arms.  I don’t wanna miss a minute of this…

More on this to come…I am sure as rain.   Peace.  ~MB

 

 

 

Changes and Life Storms…

Yes, we all know that changes happen to us every single day that we wake up breathing.

We are constantly undergoing change. Body changes, hairstyle changes, changes in jobs, living spaces, partners, lovers, friends, and personal stuff like emotional and mental changes.  We are human.  We are creatures of habit, yet change is one of those things that we cannot stop.

I feel  like I am going through some sort of period of changes myself right now.  I just have not been feeling like my old self.  I think I am more like “morphing” into some sort of new me.  It’s not a “bad” thing, the things I am noticing are not all negative my any means.  I am just thinking about this and things I have noticed lately.

I have developed even LESS of a tolerance for ignorance and stupidity.  And I don’t always hold back anymore, if I think you are being stupid I’ll up and tell you right quick.  I used to be more reserved, but hey, I think that people need to know how they are perceived.  And maybe sometimes it’s not all roses and kittens.

The political scene in America – if you can call it a “scene”…well, it sort of is a scene…because it’s being directed by a fucking reality TV fallen-star – has got me thinking pretty deeply about my life here and what is going to happen in my country in the next few years, or even few months!  I wake up every day now and check Twitter to see what the Trumpidiot has Tweeted that is going to be destructive today.  It’s scary.  I now live with more of a sense of personal fear than I EVER did before.  And that is just not right.

I have white privilege, but after that I have everything going against me – I’m a woman, a lesbian, Butch, HIV+, and poor.  The fact that I do have that stupid white privilege thing is not lost on me.  I understand that if I were Black or Hispanic that I would struggle even harder than I do in life.  And that angers me.  Everyone should have the same even platform from which to launch.  No one deserves to be treated as less-than or as unequal in any way.

I want to read Sen. Flake (R) AZ ‘s new book, “Conscience of a Conservative” that just came out.  He sounds like a reasonable man.  And I know how Trump hates any Republican who doesn’t cow to his wants and demands.  Flake and McCain are just two of them that Trumpy despises.

So Scaramoucci (sp?) quit today.  He lasted a whole 10 days as the WH Correspondence chief.  I guess he couldn’t get along with the new guy, Gen. Kelly, who is now going to be Trumpidiot’s right hand man. I actually believe that he’s been brought in to SHOW Trumpidiot HOW to run an administration and HOW to be a President.  And I believe that he is going to be Trump’s worst nightmare.  He’s not going to take kindly to Trump Tweeting stuff every day.  There are “leakers” in there, and Trump is right at the top of them!  He’s his own worst enemy.

I don’t know who, or if they have even chosen anyone yet, is going to be the new voice for Trumpidiot.  Good luck to whomever it is that gets that gift of a job.  Hahaha!  It will give Saturday Night Live a new character to develop for sure.

I’ve been talking with my special girl up north all week.  Even when I wasn’t feeling good talking to her for a few minutes would pick me up.  She’s been a real positive thing in my life.  She is in a pretty complex situation there.  With her being poly it’s okay that we are talking, but does have relations there, and I have respect for those.  We’ve been talking every day, something I haven’t really done solidly with anyone for quite a while now.  It’s nice to wake up and be able to message her and smile at her replies.  Things are really in their beginnings with us, and it’s yet to be seen how far things go.  We have known one another for years, just the time for us to talk was never right – before now.  It’s been really fun getting to know each other better.  I really like this woman and hope we keep talking…for a nice long time.  We’ve become very good friends, and that is what counts to me the very most.  I can share things with her that I don’t with others, which is a nice feeling.

I’m not looking for forever, just like connecting with good people in the now.  One day there will be a woman who comes into my life and decides to stay, but until then I am a free bird and enjoy good people.  This current friend that I am talking with fits that bill, she is just plain good people!  And she’s been through a very rough journey in life, so her story is sometimes hard to hear, but I am someone who isn’t afraid to listen and to really hear her.

Tomorrow is never a given.  Live for today.  Take risks.  Take chances.  Sometimes you don’t get a second chance, so leap before it’s too late.

Peace.  ~MB

 

 

Re-blogged….an old video I did…

Wow!  PurpleSage blogged this video of me talking about Growing Up Butch…this is like almost 10 yrs old now, but it is all still very relevant.  It was fun to see it again.  You can also see it on my YouTube channel.  Thanks PurpleSage!  Love ya all!  Peace!  ~MB

This is a video by the excellent vlogger Mainely Butch! This made me think about whether I could describe what it’s like growing up femme. I think that would be hard to do though. Women describe what it was like growing up butch by naming the reasons they were different from other girls. So how […]

via Video: Growing up butch — Purple Sage

Pride Month Passes

Once again Pride month has passed.  I was planning on attending our local Pride event and parade last Saturday in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.  It’s not as huge as NYC or Boston, but it’s respectable and is always a good time.  This is only the 3rd consecutive year that we have even had a local Pride event.  but, I picked up a job doing some repairs to a pool and really need the extra money, so I burnered my going to Pride wants, and did the work.  I don’t feel like I missed too much, and there will be lots of pictures to see from FB friends and allies.

So, I didn’t go.  I would probably have felt kind of out of place as usual.  I never feel as I belong correctly in the Lesbian part of the LGBT community.  My Butchness is frowned upon by many lesbians.  Yes, I think that Lesbians can be and are very judgmental of one another particularly.  It seems that everyone has their own “way” or opinion of “how” lesbians should look, act, and conduct themselves.  I always feel like a kind of outsider within my own so-called community.  I am willing to bet that femme identified lesbians also feel this way sometimes, as they also catch holy hell for being “too” feminine as well as for dating Butches that oft times can “pass” as guys.  I am one of those.  I’m so used to being called “Sir” that it feels normal to me.

Perhaps it is me being too sensitive or maybe I am just hyper-aware that I am part of a minority within the minority.  I am part of the Butch-femme world; a world that is only really understood by those who live the life within it.

I see the ads in the personals, when I look, that say “no Butches” and it always pisses me off.  Not that I am interested in responding to a personal ad, but I just wonder what is it about Butches that scares otherly identified lesbians so fucking much?  What is it that they don’t understand about individuality and authenticity?  Who are they to say what is “too masculine” or “too feminine”?  I was born to be me.  I didn’t have to put on any kind of “act” to be Butch.  It’s just who I grew from a young Tomboy to be.  I am not “confused” and I don’t want to “be a man” in any way.  I want to be Butch; a masculine woman.  I like my masculine presentation and traits.  I love femme women.  I love the chemistry, the pull and the dynamic of a Butch-femme relationship.

Pride should be celebrated by all, equally.  Yet, somehow I feel pushed out of my own “community”.  It’s a changing landscape.  Is there still a place at the table for us older lesbians?  For us Butch identified?  Or are we destined to become the invisible?

Even our government refused to recognize LGBT Pride month.  Their dire need to make us invisible is palpable.  Their outright hate for those under the LGBT umbrella seeths.

It’s a changing world.  And ever dangerous.