Life Update – Youtube Update
Hello! For those of you who follow my videos online on Youtube:
I am having major camera and computer issues at this time. I will have them corrected this week for sure and will be back strong with a full month of daily videos (Video Every Day for May) as promised in my last video post.
It seems as if every electronic device in my life is trying to break or go wacky lately. My phone, the webcam, the computers….but alas, my computer guy is coming out to the house to deal with the computer issue I believe on Friday. I’ll have the phone fixed tomorrow and the web-cam…well that is still up in the air as of now. But I will find some way to film and post, don’t worry I am a “fixer” and this too I shall FIX!
As far as a basic life update…everything is going okay! I can’t complain at all. The weather in Maine has been absolutely gorgeous for days on end now, in the low 70′s and very very comfortable!
I even got out and got the lawn all raked, and mowed, the place looks great! Next comes my flowers and the veggie garden – which I have procured all of the necessary materials to make a nice raised bed garden for free! Got to love my local friends and connections, seems they have lots of stuff laying around they want to give away to be re-purposed! I got lumber from the farm and all I will need will be some good growing soil, which I know I can also scam up pretty easily. I’m really looking forward to growing my own veggies and herbs this year. It will be my 2nd full summer in this home, and it’s time for a veggie garden! Gardening, both flowers and veggies, is a passion of mine. I love the feel of the dirt, and the satisfaction of knowing that I can create with plants to my hearts content. It’s good for the soul.
Nola is doing wonderful. She got over her loneliness for her friend in all of one day. She’s been very very stuck to me, as usual and I’ve been making sure she’s getting plenty of attention and we are doing things like walks to keep her sharp. I decided against another dog to keep her company, just because I cannot afford the vet bills and care! It’s enough to have one, and she enjoys being an “only child” I believe. Hell, she gets 100% of my attention!
I have 2 events coming up for my photo button booth and bracelets. Both in June, so June should be a better month. I love doing the fairs and festivals, and it excites me when the season comes around! I am hoping to schedule to be at as many of the local events as possible.
My health is great, meds are doing their job and I am basically happy and healthy. Yay! So that’s the wrap on what’s been going on lately. I do hope that each of you, my dear readers, are doing well also! Take care and enjoy Spring! ~MainelyButch
Vulnerable Thoughts
I feel the need to write. Just write. I can’t pull a particular topic out of my head, but here I am in front of the WordPress posting page…again.
The past few weeks have been strange and enlightening to me. I’m going through some kind of inner “shift” I believe. Notions I took for granted just aren’t proving to be true. I keep my emotions pretty locked down and close to the vest, so to speak. I am not one to just lay them out on my sleeve for the world to see. That makes one too vulnerable…and we all know how we hate vulnerability (especially Butches!). But I have to get some stuff out and it may make me vulnerable in ways I will be uncomfortable with, but hey, what the hell.
One of the biggest things I am questioning is love and relationships. What the hell IS a relationship in today’s cyber techie world anyways!? Online anyone can tell you anything and you have only gut feeling to believe them, you can develop feelings that you don’t know if they are true or not until you come face-to-face with someone, you can have some incredible experiences and once in a while a bummer experience. But it’s all part of the package of “chance” that we take in relationships. And I never regret experience, it’s what makes each of us who we are every day.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. The old adage goes.
So, I am thinking that I am no longer going to be looking for “Ms. Right” but more for more experiences with more people. In other words, I am not going to play the game of monogamy any longer. (Although, there is one woman, in Utah, that I WOULD go back to monogamy with but unless she comes back into my life, the chance of that is slim to none.)
What does this mean? I don’t want to say it means I am poly-amorous, but maybe it does. I am not sure. I know that I have interests, a few of them. I get different things; different satisfactions from each of them individually and I like that aspect very much. I’ve been struggling with this issue for a little while now, and as I ramble I am still struggling. I don’t want to be tied down to one woman indefinitely, that’s the plain and simple point. There are many reasons – some valid and some probably not so valid – that I am going in this direction and have been for some time. I feel a bit vulnerable in saying it publicly, but I have been pretty honest with my blogs and my readers, so I am putting this out there.
Love is a very broad subject, and has many means of manifesting in our lives. I have love for many people, many various kinds of love. I have never been “good” with a monogamous lifestyle, although I have tried several times with some fantastic partners, each of whom I still love and respect immensely to this day. Each contributed to who I am and I thank them deeply for their contributions to my life.
I haven’t been open with many about my choice to keep my dating style “open”…and those I have, have been a little wierded out by it…but I don’t know how else to explain it to anyone. I just am tired of restricting myself, and then you start dating someone and figure out that it’s not all that and the bag of chips you thought it was, so you want to move on a bit, but someone always seems to be hurt. I think in keeping myself on an “open relationship” type status that perhaps some of this will be avoided because I will date only those others who are on that same page.
Period
Writing is an outlet for me, it’s where I can just get things out of my head for a few minutes. But sometimes you have to have self-restraint, self-control and let logic play a part in your posts. While I want go OFF I am going to let it go pretty quickly here. I can’t allow myself to be bullied into regret. And what I would like to post would only cause me to scold myself later, thus regret. Yes, somethings are best left unsaid and private. This is one of those times. And while I won’t lie down to be dragged through the mud, I will first contemplate my words so that they are clearly understood. I hold no animosity, only sadness that some have to let their words be weapons intended to hurt and I in turn let them hurt.
Each of us, as humans, choose our own road. No one drags us down them. And no one can call our direction except us. I dictate my own direction, and if I am not into something I am not going to pretend that I am and fake it…I am going to just move on, and try to do so without causing a lot of commotion while doing so. I don’t think that I owe anyone else an reason beyond the fact that I’m just not as interested as I thought I was, do I? You know that feeling of starting something that you feel you are into, then after you do it a while you see – after further interaction – that it’s just not your cup of tea; thus you just don’t feel the need to keep doing it? Yeah, that’s it. That’s what happened with me, and now I am being ridiculed for my own personal feelings, and having my character attacked…that just isn’t right. And now it’s time to just let it go. Nothing can be un-done, nothing can be repaired, and nothing can be said that would further either side’s idea of what happened, or what is right or wrong. Period.
These are MY Opinions
I have been vlogging on Youtube since March of 2009, and have done well over 700 videos in total, most about my life, my experience and my views on various topics ranging from politics, to local news to LGBT issues and lifestyles. I have also been blogging in written word for even more years here on WordPress and on other blog sites over the years (although now it’s only here on WP which I totally love and prefer over all others). I’ve seen all the types of hate and disagreement possible from both venues. I’ve watched the drama unfold on Facebook as well. Internet bullshit is just that – bullshit. I tend to just over-look it and move on with my own stuff. I do what I want, when I want, for whatever reason I want. Period. I do that in real life as well, I walk my own walk and as no one’s permission or approval in doing so. If you happen to be a reader or Youtube viewer, then you know I have a strong personality and I speak my mind fairly freely. I tend to pull no punches, I don’t strive to aggravate anyone (ok, maybe Republicans on occasion! LOL) or fight with anyone regarding any issue. I will gladly have a civilized debate if necessary. But mostly I just put my writing and videos out there, and I read the comments, occasionally I even change my opinion if another view that I hadn’t considered comes to my attention. Remember, there are always options to your thoughts, other ways to think, that are just as valid as yours or my own. I get that and I accept it fully.
I bring this up because I have gotten some backlash and been judged harshly for stating my opinions on some written blogs here on WordPress that I recently wrote about, then I got similar backlash on Youtube after speaking in defense of and about Butch-Femme dynamics after someone else had called the lifestyle “bullshit” in another video on the same venue. There has been some attempt to get me to engage in a back and forth video battle with this other person, which I am totally not going to do. I state my opinions, my own personal views and takes on issues and subjects that interest me. I don’t feel that I should necessarily be “judged” for putting out my own opinions, thoughts and views on any subject – whether those thoughts were perpetuated by another, or they are merely my reaction to something I encounter in daily life or online. I have all of the same rights to voice my opinions and experiences and to draw my own personal conclusions – based upon what I know from my own experiences – as anyone else in this country has. No one has the right to say another is wrong to make their voices heard – especially on a free and open platform such as WordPress or Youtube.
The beauty of these platforms and of our society is that it’s a free world. You are free to watch or read whatever you choose – or not read what you do not want to read/watch. It’s simple, if my opinions fly in the face of your reality then don’t listen to me, don’t watch me and don’t write and call me names because I will not engage in your fight. And if it’s not “your” fight, and you don’t have the guts to even put up a profile photo or a video of your own, yet you feel strong enough to call me names, then shame on you…who are you hiding from besides yourself? I don’t watch what I don’t care for. And sometimes I even start to watch someone and then dislike the video and don’t even finish watching it, especially if it’s very negative in content. Why would I want to even watch people who are negative and condenscending in nature to begin with? It’s a waste of my time, my energy and the power supply of my computer in all reality for me.
I speak aobut life from MY own Butch Perspective, based upon what I see, read, and experience in my own life. I need no ones permission to do this. Nor do I require or need anyone’s approval of any kind.
I appreciate constructive conversation and I value criticism when it’s applied correctly and respectfully. I thank all of my loyal readers and followers and I value their opinions as well. I want to thank the many, many who wrote me dozens of notes and sent tons of messages of support after my recent Butchphobia blog on WordPress, and my following video on Youtube. It’s because of YOU that I still do this stuff, that I am fearless to put my perspectives out there – no matter what the controversy. I appreciate the open mindedness of my audience, the interaction with good people, and the honest conversations that we have – even when they do not match my own opinions.
Everyone has their haters, those who wish to detract from the messages and those who will bring hateful, negative and bashing comments to one’s pages. I am not immune to that kind of person any more than anyone else who puts themselves out there honestly on line would be. There’s always someone who will try to pick a fight, cause you discomfort, shame and try to get you to retract your words. I handle it like most everything else – let it roll off my shoulders and fall away . I will not be silenced because someone out there doesn’t care for my words, opinions or views on any topic. I also will not engage in bad arguments, name calling or verbal bashing of another’s opinion either.
It’s just not something I want or will do.
This Butch Reviews the RodeoH Boxer
If you've been paying any attention to the world of queer sex accessories for the past year (and, I mean, who hasn't?), you've no doubt heard a lot of buzz about a little company that goes by the name of RodeoH. I first read about this scrappy up-and-comer (pun fully intended) on Autostraddle - which, consequently, has a great new…
Excellent review! Ordering mine this week!!!
Butch-phobia….my personal rant
I was directed to a blog last night that stunned the crap out of me with its anti-Butch/Femme/Trans overtones and direct, blatant lies and misconception. It infuriates me that this far into the fight for equality across the board the we are still belittling and ridiculing each other right her within the LGBT alphabet soup community, and with such harshness and berating that it’s unbelievable.
When I see a snake in the garden I am one to confront it and deal with it, rather than let it slither at me and try to scare my ass. And while there are many “snakes in our gardens” so to speak, the ones that are particularly venomous are those who are spouting phobic bullshit. If you are phobic about something and do not understand it or haven’t experienced it yourself, so you are afraid of it and thus feel you need to belittle or shame it away somehow, I think you are just so full of your own internalized homophobia and woman-phobic bullshit.
Short of going on a full out ranting rampage here I am going to choose a few sentences of the bullshit blog I read and share them with you.
“…how the Butch and Femme identities are two sides of the same gender coin that limits the full potential of who a woman can be.” What does this fucking mean? That because I identify as Butch and walk that walk in my own life that I cannot possibly live up to my “potential”? WTF?
This person also seems to think, from what I understand, that somehow being Butch is a lead in to becoming an FtM trans person. Yes, perhaps I walk a thin, thin line in this aspect, but let it be known that I am NOT trans, and I AM a lesbian. A woman loving woman. I respect and admire my brave trans friends to the nth degree. Their walk is so like my own, at times very lonely, scary, and confusing I am sure. And to be continually fighting against the Butch/Transphobia we both face from within the Lesbian community, it is just ludicrous.
I am Butch no matter how you dress me up. As another blogger coined I am “clockable” regardless of what I wear or don’t wear. It’s like lipstick on a pig to put me in a dress, and it fools no one. I’m straight up Butch and damned proud, and damned sure not going to try to twist it or change it for some other fool who thinks it’s not “feminine” enough, that I am “aggressive and inappropriate” in my appearance or presentation to the world. Fuck that. I never ever felt very feminine and it’s stupid to say that that makes me less of a woman, when it’s just MY way of being the Butch woman that I am.
Shame me all you want, I am not accepting YOUR shame. I will not be shamed into changing the core of who my being IS in this world. Accuse me of “playing a role”, but understand if you can that I am NOT playing a role, but I am just being myself, plain and simple. It’s sad that people cannot just be who they are in today’s world without causing someone else to start throwing therapeutic assumptions at them that they are suppressing some inner battle and that’s causing them to “act out” in the way that they present to the world. Utter bullshit in my opinion.
I have experienced oppression as a woman, as a Butch, because I am not feminine enough, woman enough, too masculine, “other” and more. I am a gender non-conformist, and it seems that some Lesbian people just seem to hate that idea! Like they expect us to all shout at the tops of our lungs that “we are woman” but yet not be too “Femme” or too “Butch” as to make them look twice. They would rather have everyone fit more into a “neutral” kind of box where we could all be some sort of touchy-feely kinds of Lesbians with woman attributes that were apparent, but not overly so.
I’m not some college educated left wing Feminist. To the contrary, I often am confused by radical Feminism and all its negative connotations on our lives. Seems like it’s that we want to be treated equally – but separately somehow, and that’s not exactly equal if you ask me.
Who I love, whether it be a more Femme woman, another Butch or someone who doesn’t fall into an identifying group, is none of anyone’s business. And it doesn’t matter, I am still a card carrying Lesbian no matter what. I am romantically attracted to women and only women. I have many male friends and respect them as they do me.
What we directly experience and see in life is what matters to us as human beings. It’s how we navigate our way through our often complicated, complex and dynamic lives. People choose the facts that relate to what they already believe. Human engagement isn’t about facts, but about our experiences and our relationships to each other. And yes, these relationships take on all forms, we take on all types of personalities and personas, that make us comfortable in our own skin. No one can take your core values and your core being away from you, and no on should every shame another for being who they ARE in this world. Walk your walk. Butch or Femme or something else, just be proud and walk tall.
