Who Am I ?

I am a very passionate person.  I tend to write sometimes without rereading and adjusting things that come off wrong evidently.  I get into just writing my thoughts, and I should be doing more proofing I guess, but the passion of the moment in writing overrides me sometimes.

It’s hard to explain how I truly am to any person.  And when you look inside sometimes you see more negative than positive, I have tried to override those kinds of thoughts inside of my own head, and I have to say it’s made a world of difference,  Once upon a time I thought I was pretty much useless and not going anywhere, but now I know my worth and see that my journey is important.  I have shed the negative thoughts about myself and life in general, and now try like hell to keep that positive perspective on all things.

Who am I really?  

Well, I can be very passionate, and also very intense and determined….and maybe a little demanding.

I’m a resilient type person, I can take a lot. With my resilience comes my flexibility and ability to learn from things.

I am self-confident and self-assured.  I know what I bring to the table, I know my weaknesses, and I can handle myself.

I am fierce in my protection and defense of myself, my friends my family and my lover. it’s jut part of who I am.

I don’t give up easily, but I do know when to back off of things and just let them be for a while at least.

I like things to be clear and understood.  I like to know where I stand in things.  Don’t dick me around.

I’m honest to a fault, I tell it like I see it and I’m straight forward with stuff.

I can be patient as hell, for a period of time.  I’m not one to wait forever though, I don’t think that anyone would in truth.

I always try to bring my authentic self to the table, no matter what, and I do it with power and authority over who I am and how I am perceived.  Perhaps too much sometimes

I’m dedicated and committed to those things that are important to me in life.  I take commitment seriously, whether it’s commitment to getting something done, or commitment to my family, friends or a relationship.  I see commitment as a promise, and I don’t like to break promises.

I love people and wish everyone well no matter what in the end.  I tend to be very loving and caring.  I will give people chances sometimes beyond what they may deserve, but that’s because I see the good in them despite the bad moments.

I am very family oriented, and respect that in other people as well.  Our families are our blood ties to this planet.

I am gentle and yet firm.  I actually have the heart of a teddy bear, and want nothing more than to make others feel happy, safe and secure in my presence.

I am a good partner and a good friend.  I don’t make enemies easily, and I hold only a few as “good friends”

I am funny, I use humor and satire to deal with lots of things in life, sometimes appropriately, sometimes not so much.

I’m a decent looking stone Butch lesbian and I take pretty damned good care of myself.  Good health and appearance are important to me.  My personal health can be complicated, but it’s not difficult and I keep it under control.

I keep myself open to the world and it’s opportunities.  I maintain a positive perspective, as I have found negativity to be draining, stressful and unproductive.  I try to keep that out of my life.  Nothing is without solution or resolution.

And I have my weaknesses…I haven’t always been great at emotional stuff, at communication of emotions.  Often when I want to say something I will hold back for fear of it coming off wrong or being seen a fool.  I’ve been working diligently on the emotional side of myself, and it’s greatly improved even in the last 6 months.  I’m learning myself very well.

I’m still growing and learning about myself, it’s an ongoing process for all people I believe.  And people do change over time.  Like, I know that I am not the same person that I was 5 years ago…I’ve definitely done a ton of maturing and have learned to better understand myself and to better sit with my emotions.  I’ve learned a ton of self-control, self-confidence and have gained a lot of self-esteem that I formerly lacked.  Today I walk a lot taller and feel a lot better about who I have become in this world.  It’s a good feeling.

In the situations where I have left or become cold in a relationship it’s always been because of very definitive reasons.  I don’t take to kindly to much bullshit.(i.e. cheating, lying, ignorance, arrogance, disrespect)  And if I can’t change it then I will often turn my back on it.  Life is just too damned short for all of us to be putting up with crap thrown into our lives unnecessarily by other people.  I like things to be honest, clear and understood.  I like to know where I stand in things.  When I don’t know is when I get very wary and weary of the chase.  No one, especially me, wants to chase a ghost of something, we need something substantial to base things on.

Someone said to me yesterday that the chase is what they like in a relationship.  I guess it’s not that I don’t enjoy the chase to some degree, but I also have to know basically where I stand in the chase, am I gaining or losing?  If I am gaining I am more likely to keep up the pace, if I am losing I will turn it down and turn it off eventually.  Although I do not give up easily if I am sure that I know what I want and what I am after is what I truly welcome into my life.  But there is a point where the chase can become too much if I am the only one participating, then I have learned that’s the best time to just let go and move on down the road.  I’ve been in this battle for love for many years…I’ve seen the best and worst in people and I’ve seen and know all the tricks and ways people can manipulate on another.  Women are particularly good at that.

When I have an issue with someone that I seriously care for then I try like hell to work it through, and not just give up and throw in the towel.  Things aren’t always easy, life is never easy.  Love certainly isn’t easy or a given to anyone.  I’m not a quitter, never have been.  Yes, I have left some bad situations, I’ve saved my own ass a few times, but I’ve not quit when I knew it was worth fighting for something.  I’ve had a super long-term, very successful relationship – even though it’s ended as a relationship now I consider it to have been a very big success as it was part of my formative years and learning about the world and a very important part of my life.  And I’ve chosen to stay basically single the last few years, albeit I have seen a couple of women, I haven’t let myself back into any type of serious relationship for quite some time.  I didn’t want it, I didn’t need it and it was just time that I needed to rebuild myself personally. Sometimes we all have to do it, I get that.

I did have someone enter my life that I really came to care for deeply.  It only saddens me that this person can’t seem to let go of her many preconceived notions of not only who I am but what this love would look like.  She’s pretty damned awesome, and those kinds of people don’t often cross our paths.  It’s a rare thing for it to happen, and should be capitalized upon, so, I hate to just let it go, but I’ve been forced to do just that.  She can’t see it.  So it’s useless for me to continue to have the vision in my own head of what could be with us, when she can’t see it herself.  It’s got to be all good though, I can’t let it drag me down because that just isn’t who I am anymore. I’ve learned that when someone else doesn’t want similar things out of a relationship that – after a valiant try – you should just walk on and find someone who does wish for similar things. I did give it my best shot to allow her into my life, and to try to be in hers, but it just wasn’t working the way it should have worked.

So what do I want?  I want someone who cares for me like I care for them.  It’s that easy.  It’s that simple.  And it could and will be a beautiful thing.