It’s kind of rare no it’s really fucking rare, to meet somebody and fall in love with them so deeply that you give too much of yourself to them. or it feels like you do.
On that rare occasion you let down walls, make yourself vulnerable and let them go places that perhaps nobody has gone before with you. That’s what real love’s about, or so they say. For a Butch it’s a super scary place to be, a place we try to avoid most of the time. Mostly because we’re used to protecting ourselves so only the really special ones get through. And those special ones only come along once or twice in a lifetime.
When you meet her you know. You try like hell not to fall in love, but it happens anyway. And she becomes your Girl and you’re basically do anything to keep her happy and be with her.
If you’re a good Butch, honorable, respectful, loyal, tender and a fairly decent lover you can become her Prince fucking Charming. And Prince Charming doesn’t come around very often either, because they’re pretty rare too. And hopefully she sees and realizes that about you like you do about her. Just don’t fool yourself because it doesn’t take much to fall From Grace. And that fall is a bitch. Just try to remember, it can’t be easy for anybody losing something you put so much effort into. So you know you’re not alone.
People tell me this “live in the moment” bulshit. I’m living in the moment every moment of every fucking day. It just happens that in most of those moments I can be doing something completely unrelated and still be thinking about her. She’s always on my mind, and most of the time it’s in a really good way. I don’t have anything bad to think about her, it’s all pretty good stuff. So if living in the moment means you don’t think about what happened several moments ago, I think that’s bunk. She’ll be part of my every moment’s thoughts because it’s I like thinking about good things, and she’s my very special good thing. And I want her back in my life just like I want to be back in hers.
Like I said I can’t go there without her knowing in advance because she would not like it and it would affect too many other people. I can’t call her or text her or messenge her online because i’m blocked at the moment. I guess I could send her written letters. I’m just afraid that I’d be wasting my time and she would just be throwing them in the trash without reading them. I don’t even think she reads my emails. So I’m screwed bois. I did send her flowers. Crickets. And I did send her a really loving email asking her to give me another chance. Crickets. So WTF do I do now?
My femme friends say “get on a plane and go there and get your girl.” My brain says to do the same. Then the reality that there are two other people involved, in her daily life, that I would greatly affect by showing up there, keeps me from actually doing it. it’s kind of a really unique and complicated situation. I can’t treat this the way I would if the situation were a little different. And I also fear that she would think I’m a stalker. I don’t need that. I’m not a stalker I’m just madly in love with this woman and I think she’s madly in love with me.
I think she’s just scared of a lot of stuff right now and I’m not sure I can help her conquer or quell those fears, especially if she’s not going to talk to me or let me in. I’m just screwed here truth be known. I don’t think there’s anything else I can do. But you know my brain is still working on this…
To be continued… I’m sure