Worst Day Yet.

I cried a lot the last 10 days, but today is the worst. I feel completely empty and the tears are just flowing like a river. My heart is aching so bad for her…I don’t know what to do..

I asked her to go think and call me if she wants. I miss her so fucking much. My life has changed so much in the last 21 months, I was so happy…and I thought she was too….why???

Why is she doing this? To herself as we as me. We don’t have to feel this way, we could talk it out and be happy again, I know we can. I wish she would just give us another chance. I am broken. I feel completely disposable, like I was just cast aside with no thought. Don’t you care how bad I’m hurting??how can you reject somebody and not explain to them exactly what’s going on??

I’moing off the deep end and I’m all alone… This hurts so bad I just want to rip my heart out and throw it across the room.

MB

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Sometimes

It’s kind of rare no it’s really fucking rare, to meet somebody and fall in love with them so deeply that you give too much of yourself to them. or it feels like you do.

On that rare occasion you let down walls, make yourself vulnerable and let them go places that perhaps nobody has gone before with you. That’s what real love’s about, or so they say. For a Butch it’s a super scary place to be, a place we try to avoid most of the time. Mostly because we’re used to protecting ourselves so only the really special ones get through. And those special ones only come along once or twice in a lifetime.

When you meet her you know. You try like hell not to fall in love, but it happens anyway. And she becomes your Girl and you’re basically do anything to keep her happy and be with her.

If you’re a good Butch, honorable, respectful, loyal, tender and a fairly decent lover you can become her Prince fucking Charming. And Prince Charming doesn’t come around very often either, because they’re pretty rare too. And hopefully she sees and realizes that about you like you do about her. Just don’t fool yourself because it doesn’t take much to fall From Grace. And that fall is a bitch. Just try to remember, it can’t be easy for anybody losing something you put so much effort into. So you know you’re not alone.

People tell me this “live in the moment” bulshit. I’m living in the moment every moment of every fucking day. It just happens that in most of those moments I can be doing something completely unrelated and still be thinking about her. She’s always on my mind, and most of the time it’s in a really good way. I don’t have anything bad to think about her, it’s all pretty good stuff. So if living in the moment means you don’t think about what happened several moments ago, I think that’s bunk. She’ll be part of my every moment’s thoughts because it’s I like thinking about good things, and she’s my very special good thing. And I want her back in my life just like I want to be back in hers.

Like I said I can’t go there without her knowing in advance because she would not like it and it would affect too many other people. I can’t call her or text her or messenge her online because i’m blocked at the moment. I guess I could send her written letters. I’m just afraid that I’d be wasting my time and she would just be throwing them in the trash without reading them. I don’t even think she reads my emails. So I’m screwed bois. I did send her flowers. Crickets. And I did send her a really loving email asking her to give me another chance. Crickets. So WTF do I do now?

My femme friends say “get on a plane and go there and get your girl.” My brain says to do the same. Then the reality that there are two other people involved, in her daily life, that I would greatly affect by showing up there, keeps me from actually doing it. it’s kind of a really unique and complicated situation. I can’t treat this the way I would if the situation were a little different. And I also fear that she would think I’m a stalker. I don’t need that. I’m not a stalker I’m just madly in love with this woman and I think she’s madly in love with me.

I think she’s just scared of a lot of stuff right now and I’m not sure I can help her conquer or quell those fears, especially if she’s not going to talk to me or let me in. I’m just screwed here truth be known. I don’t think there’s anything else I can do. But you know my brain is still working on this…

To be continued… I’m sure

-MB

September 17th

You know somebody was talking to me tonight and they started putting shit in my head… To try to show me how good I am in so many ways, and how me having an outburst is so small… But I added a few things to it I guess. I’m not saying i’m innocent, just don’t deserve a life sentence.

But we were talking about made sense although I had never looked at it that way. I had to make a lot of adjustments to be with her and change a bunch of things about the way I think, I had to learn a lot, I had to let go of a few things that I thought were important to me that really weren’t that important when you boiled all the shit out of it. And she gave generously on her end as well. She made it possible for us to be together better than I could have. And she accepted me the way I am. She taught me a lot about people and about myself in so many ways. She never asked me to change, the changes I made were voluntarily given of my own free will because I love her. And that’s what you do when you love somebody that much and you want to be part of their life. You do whatever you need to do as much as possible. It comes pretty natural to me with her. And that’s pretty fucking rare I think for anybody. I think she feels the same way too at least I felt like she did, and I don’t think it’s possible to forget what we had that fast. Whether you want to or not something like that’s going to stick with you awhile. Both of us made a lot of adaptations for our relationship so it’s a real loss for both of us in a lot of ways. I realize that she must feel that way too to some degree at least, then I feel bad about that cuz I don’t want her to be unhappy… And my brain goes around another fucking circle…

We are all hurting inside from one thing or another that happened or is happening or will happen in our lives. We all have these big bad battle scars straight across to our hearts, some of us anyway. I guess what you allowed to trigger them whether they be a verbal outburst, pushing someone away, going into deep depression, you’ve got a choice of letting it take away from your life at that moment and maybe for future moments or you can agree to working your way through it.

I’m learning… I’m human… I’m a work in progress…everything that touches my life changesme in some way or another, for good or for bad you can’t make the choice usually and when you can you hope you make the right one, right? So there’s nothing I can do about who I am, I can just be me and hope that the world sees me for who I am. And hope I make the right choices and along the way.

Love doesn’t cause pain. But anger causes pain, anxiety causes pain, lost causes pain, lots of emotions cause pain, but it’s not the love that causes the pain. Love is what cures the pain. That’s how it works. When all of those other things hurt you use love to fix that stuff.

And the people that keep telling me to go there and put myself in front of her don’t understand this woman’s life. It would have affect not only her but a couple of other people as well if I just showed up. That wouldn’t be the right thing to do unfortunately in this case or I would do it in a heartbeat. It wouldn’t be fair to do it, maybe just be selfish of me. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to that believe me! I just can’t be that crazy right now I think she probably report me as a stalker! Hahaha i’m joking I don’t think she would but I don’t want to take that chance either!

-MB

OFOS Butch-femme Dynamic

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Loved this blog!!! https://persistentlyfem.wordpress.com/2017/07/04/old-fashioned-old-school/.

Some days…

Ever have one of those days where feel like you just can’t do anything right….well I am having one of those kinds of nights.

Sometimes I think in my head things then they just come out of my mouth without me thinking. There are certain people that I think I can do that will, Being totally honest and raw, but then sometimes you gotta wonder if you have to self-censor more frequently.

A may not be that great at always saying exactly the right and perfect thing but I give it a hell of a try. I like to know what’s happening with people who are closest and most important to me. And being a Butch sometimes my reaction may be off if I’m expecting something that doesn’t happen – especially in the moment. I think Butches have expectations of people that may be a bit more than the average person. This is particular true in relationships in the Butch-femme way. We expect just a little more than usual; it’s part of the agree dynamic.

I have changed over the years and I no longer have time for anger to steal from me. It feels like such a useless and non productive emotion; I am sure it has a purpose somewhere in human psychology. But I don’t like to be angry and I don’t like to deal with anger from someone else. If they can’t explain themselves without being angry or hostile then I’ll just wait until the anger subsides and hope that a conversation of understanding can happen. Maybe I’m a fool.

I have rules in my life that I try to live by; a little set of previously unwritten guidelines. Tonight I swallow my pride and break a cardinal rule.

I have my Calm app running, listening to the waves crashing on the shore- which makes me remember how angry the sea can turn, and I jacked a couple of sleeping pills and dabbed a bit. It’s worked to calm my nerves, but not my heart.

Tomorrow is another day. We wake up and hope it’s a better one.

Peace. – MB