These are MY Opinions

I have been vlogging on Youtube since March of 2009, and have done well over 700 videos in total, most about my life, my experience and my views on various topics ranging from politics, to local news to LGBT issues and lifestyles.  I have also been blogging in written word for even more years here on WordPress and on other blog sites over the years (although now it’s only here on WP which I totally love and prefer over all others).  I’ve seen all the types of hate and disagreement possible from both venues.  I’ve watched the drama unfold on Facebook as well.  Internet bullshit is just that – bullshit.  I tend to just over-look it and move on with my own stuff.  I do what I want, when I want, for whatever reason I want.  Period.  I do that in real life as well, I walk my own walk and as no one’s permission or approval in doing so.  If you happen to be a reader or Youtube viewer, then you know I have a strong personality and I speak my mind fairly freely.  I tend to pull no punches, I don’t strive to aggravate anyone (ok, maybe Republicans on occasion! LOL)  or fight with anyone regarding any issue.  I will gladly have a civilized debate if necessary.  But mostly I just put my writing and videos out there, and I read the comments, occasionally I even change my opinion if another view that I hadn’t considered comes to my attention.  Remember, there are always options to your thoughts, other ways to think, that are just as valid as yours or my own.  I get that and I accept it fully.

I bring this up because I have gotten some backlash and been judged harshly for stating my opinions on some written blogs here on WordPress that I recently wrote about, then I got similar backlash on Youtube after speaking in defense of and about Butch-Femme dynamics after someone else had called the lifestyle “bullshit” in another video on the same venue.  There has been some attempt to get me to engage in a back and forth video battle with this other person, which I am totally not going to do.  I state my opinions, my own personal views and takes on issues and subjects that interest me.  I don’t feel that I should necessarily be “judged” for putting out my own opinions, thoughts and views on any subject – whether those thoughts were perpetuated by another, or they are merely my reaction to something I encounter in daily life or online.  I have all of the same rights to voice my opinions and experiences and to draw my own personal conclusions – based upon what I know from my own experiences – as anyone else in this country has.  No one has the right to say another is wrong to make their voices heard – especially on a free and open platform such as WordPress or Youtube. 

The beauty of these platforms and of our society is that it’s a free world.  You are free to watch or read whatever you choose – or not read what you do not want to read/watch.  It’s simple, if my opinions fly in the face of your reality then don’t listen to me, don’t watch me and don’t write and call me names because I will not engage in your fight.  And if it’s not “your” fight, and you don’t have the guts to even put up a profile photo or a video of your own, yet you feel strong enough to call me names, then shame on you…who are you hiding from besides yourself?  I don’t watch what I don’t care for.  And sometimes I even start to watch someone and then dislike the video and don’t even finish watching it, especially if it’s very negative in content.  Why would I want to even watch people who are negative and condenscending in nature to begin with?  It’s a waste of my time, my energy and the power supply of my computer in all reality for me. 

I speak aobut life from MY own Butch Perspective, based upon what I see, read, and experience in my own life.  I need no ones permission to do this.  Nor do I require or need anyone’s approval of any kind.

I appreciate constructive conversation and I value criticism when it’s applied correctly and respectfully.  I thank all of my loyal readers and followers and I value their opinions as well.  I want to thank the many, many who wrote me dozens of notes and sent tons of messages of support after my recent Butchphobia blog on WordPress, and my following video on Youtube.  It’s because of YOU that I still do this stuff, that I am fearless to put my perspectives out there – no matter what the controversy.  I appreciate the open mindedness of my audience, the interaction with good people, and the honest conversations that we have – even when they do not match my own opinions. 

Everyone has their haters, those who wish to detract from the messages and those who will bring hateful, negative and bashing comments to one’s pages.  I am not immune to that kind of person any more than anyone else who puts themselves out there honestly on line would be.  There’s always someone who will try to pick a fight, cause you discomfort, shame and try to get you to retract your words.   I handle it like most everything else – let it roll off my shoulders and fall away .  I will not be silenced because someone out there doesn’t care for my words, opinions or views on any topic.  I also will not engage in bad arguments, name calling or verbal bashing of another’s opinion either.

It’s just not something I want or will do.

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Darker Side

My primary and most favorite web-cam, Logitech 920, is BROKEN, thus I am having issues vlogging on my Youtube channel this week.  I have writers block…can’t seem to get any words to come out right lately, thus I’m behind on my written blog as well.  It’s just a week of being behind the proverbial 8 ball.  Yesterday was lost to a fucking major migraine headache, one from which hell was derived. Ugh…what a week.

Ever have one of those weeks where nothing seems to be on-target in your life?  Yes, it’s been a busy enough week; one where i have had to swallow my pride and step outside my comfort zone on a couple of occasions.  I just hope it’s all worth it, and I can get myself into a good slide for a while.

I am a very simply, complicated Butch.  I like things neat and orderly in my life.  That includes my surrounds, dishes in the sink, clothes in my draws and general area surrounding my sometimes uncomfortable body.  I like things to be concise and clear, no gray areas.  If you mean it say it, if you don’t mean it then shut the fuck up.  I have some serious Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder going on most of the time, my reactions are not always what they “should” be or what might be expected.  I can be quite non-committal on most things and I know this can drive some people nuts.  My stoic attitude just comes with the territory of my personality.  It takes some serious shit to get me stirred up.  This can often times generally be the cause of most of my adversity with others in my life – I don’t act or react to their liking.  

I like being on my own; being alone and doing whatever I feel like doing at any given moment, on any given day.  I’m kind of in the middle of thinking very hard about that and about what my wants and desires for my life going forward exactly ARE lately.  It seems that one day you have things figured out, then something happens and while you try to get back to the figured out part, something is just out of sync afterwards.  Ok, so the problem is that I should be thinking hard, but honestly I am not putting very much effort into it at all.  smh…grrrr

Emotion is a difficult thing for me overall.  And over the years of my life I think I have even hardened up a bit more in that department.  Like I said, it takes some major shit…or simply a picture of an abused animal….to get me riled up or upset.  I think that’s a good thing, but it also works the opposite, where I don’t jump into feelings of good very quickly either.  Perhaps I am an anomaly; some twisted version of emotional fucked-up-ness.  (I know that’s not a real word, deal with it.)  

I didn’t realize that I so enjoyed my alone time quite so much until recent months.  While I do enjoy human company as well, I like it to be on my terms.  Yeah, I am also greedy with my personal time.  I think I want a relationship, but then all the reality of having someone there on a daily basis, in my space, sets in and I balk.  Not only do I balk, but I can punt, bunt, and kick the proverbial ball away too.  It’s not funny.  But you can laugh, go ahead!  I am.  

I like simple things. I enjoy my morning coffee and a good strong smoke.  I like my music loud, my dog quiet and my world organized and manageable.  I like a challenge, but not an impossible task.  Depending upon the day, I could be in a really good mood and laughing, or I could be a grouch of giant proportion.  Good thing I learned years ago when I could add a touch of alcohol to that mess and when not to do so!

Luckily I got the violent side of me out years ago, and now I am pretty much settled in to just being a dick head mostly.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a place for some mildly violent play  – just now it’s done with safe words!

Maybe this blog doesn’t make a lot of sense today…my head is just about to explode with excess crap.  So there you go readers, a peek into the slightly darker side of MainelyButch.

 

TED Talks

The need inside of me to find and know about new and innovative things is immense.  Recently I have stumbled upon “TED Talks” which is some of the most incredulous stuff I’ve ever encountered online.  What a brilliant and world changing project!  Or rather “set” of ideas and projects.  The theme seems to be various very good speakers, who each hold some powerful ideas about how to change the world in some small way or another, are given 18 minutes to do just that – empower an audience to want to change the world.  Some of the projects are just astounding.

Turned on to this site by fellow Youtube vlogger, Pogobat, or Dan Brown, I have become very enthralled with the site and all of the projects.  The human brain has a thirst for knowledge, and these 18 minute “talks” can seriously change the way one thinks or reacts to be different from how you would have thought or reacted before the “talk”.  Interesting stuff.

I love blogging/vlogging and the interactions that I have with other people.  I’ve learned so much over time with my Youtube page and from all of the people I have touched lives with via that venue.  It’ has carried over into my daily life, I have used information and changed myself in some ways with that information.

TED talks are about a wide, wide variety of subject matter; each one in it’s own way,  pertinent to the human condition.  That one commonality intrigues me so very much.  Anything that fires up my mind and thought processes is almost akin to taking drugs to me!  I love to be stimulated by ideas and thought processes.  When you aren’t having a lot of sex, this is the next best thing – brain stimulation!

After posting a video blog about this I have gotten feedback from other people who are TED addicts!  I didn’t know we all had this in common!  Were we hiding it, perhaps afraid to be seen as nerds extraordinaire? Hell, it that’s nerdy then I am King of Nerds!  *laugh*

I am mostly interested in TED Talks about things that relate to life and good living, solving problems in living and in communities.  I’m not so much into the medical or math angles, so I do pick and choose the talks I listen to..but there are over 1000 so I have tons to catch up on while more and more are being added all the time!

If you have not checked out TED talks go to their web site or look them up on Youtube.  http://TED.com  or http://youtube.com/tedtalksdirector are the two web links I have for you.  Explore and enjoy!

Peace!

Stumbling

I am attempting to film a video for my YT channel that is giving me fits.  I need to speak the right words to get my points across in a very concise and fitting manner, so that several of my viewers understand where I stand on the issues.  It’s driving me bats because (there is currently a BAT in my fucking house, btw) I know what I want to say, but am having trouble finding the right words…not usually an issue for MainelyButch! *sigh* but I won’t give up, I will eventually get a version I can live with filmed, edited and posted.

I have taken down a couple of recent vlogs from that channel.  This pisses me  off that I allowed myself to feel the pressure others were putting on me that caused me to pull them into private mode. I am usually much more bold and don’t care what others think, but my psyche is obviously in a weaker place this week and I allowed the pressure through.

This brings up one thing that the vlog is addressing, that one cannot be made to feel any way that they do not ALLOW themselves to feel.  We are in control of those feelings, and while the actions or words of another may not be what we want to hear, but how we react to them is completely up to us individually.  Just because I say I feel one way about something, does not mean someone else needs to agree with me – or worse, be adversely affected by my own personal choices and feelings.

Now…I am addressing issues that I am having with a few commenters on my vlog, with whom I have been having some back-and-forth direct YT email and comment exchanges in recent weeks. If you do not recognize that as you, please do not insert yourself in the scenario..I am blogging about this only to get the thoughts out on paper so that I can perhaps assist my own brain to sort through the best way to handle things such as this altercation.   I am trying to figure out how to explain to this person that my opinions and my experiences are MINE and I do NOT expect any of my viewers or readers to have or hold the same things in their world.  She thinks that I am somehow expecting people to agree with me, when I would never do that, I encourage differing opinions, and am open to new experiences, the sharing of our individual experiences and in finding the common ground of agreeing to disagree without hostility being a side-effect.

Hostility.  That is the word.  I have been experiencing some degree of hostility aimed toward me,  from a few different directions, that is making me uncomfortable as I am unsure of just how to deal with each of the individuals.  I don’t want to deal with it at all by “firing back” or slinging mud at anyone.  Of course, when one is attacked – especially on an ehical level – the gut reaction is to go into “defensive” mode and do exactly that – fire back. Corner me and I will fight my way out.  Give me breathing room, and I will give you that same respect and we can perhaps converse without threat.

I am just at a loss for words. Some things leave me that way.  And I hate that.