So, I got up on Monday and made the decision in my head to drag my ass out of the stupid funk that I had gotten into, change my attitude and to have a good week. And…it worked. I’ve been very upbeat all week. And tonight I even invited my parents over to my place for a small backyard cookout. It was awesome. They even seemed to relax and enjoy themselves. The place looks mighty good, and they were pretty impressed with all the work I have done and how it looked. That made me very proud and put a big smile on my face.
For my whole life I have been trying to please my father. I don’t know why; perhaps it’s because he is my father and I have the utmost respect for the man. As a young person I envied him, emulated him and secretly wanted to be just like him. Of course I was too young to understand all that that really entailed – like now I know I don’t want to be just like him. He’s politically my polar opposite, and I could never go there. But as a man of principles and eithics I always put him on a pedestal and tried to live up to what he wanted…or what I thought that he wanted from me. In my 30’s I realized this constant need to please my father had been a real problem for me all of my life. Therapy opened that door for me and taught me a lot. Yet, still today it gives me much pleasure when he is pleased with me for some reason. I’m sure the therapist would have a lot to say about it still. I also fear the man immensely. I fear his anger, his disapproval and his hate. I avoid him most of the time, but there is a part of me that would really like to be closer to the guy. It’s an emotional rollercoaster for me, one I am sure I will continue to deal with until the end.
Role models are important to young people. When I was growing up I had my parents as role models. Like any child I watched them intently and copied those things that I admired in them. My Dad was a super strong dude, a Marine, then a cop, then a builder and business owner. He is the epitomy of masculinity. As a youngster I already understood that I was attracted to women, I thought at the time that I was supposed to be a boy and some mistake had been made. I felt like a boy. I acted like a boy. I tried to copy the masculine traits of my father. Many times I remember standing in the bathroom door watching him shave. Is there really anything more masculine than shaving your face? I think not. Each pass of the razor over his face would make this “szzzh” sound as whiskers yielded under the sharp blade. I always wanted to shave…to make that sound and feel the razor on my skin. Of course, this desire kind of dissipated as I grew older. I eventually became aware that I am female and that wasn’t going to change, but that I could still be as masculine as I felt and that it’s okay to just be me.
I get notes from younger LGBT people occasionally talking about how they need good role models in their lives. Often these kids are secluded in more rural parts of the country where there isn’t a visible gay community of any kind for them to reach out to.
I sympathize with them because when I was growing up I didn’t have any other lesbians around me to reach out to either. Always knowing that I was different from the other girls I hung out with, and hiding it like hell. I wish that I had had role models, that I could have come out at a younger age and not had to go through all the crap that I put myself through when I was struggling with my own sexuality, thinkin I was going to hell and that I was some kind of freak. It would have helped me to know that I wasn’t alone in the world, like I felt I was.
In today’s world we have the opportunity to BE good role models for those young LGBT people coming up behind us. They are watching us. They want to know what to do, how to do it and what needs to be done. They want to carry on the legacy, the pride and the fight for equality. We need to be aware of them; encourage them and nurture them. It is our job to show them the way and to explain to them where we have been; where we came from. We need to remember that the world has become more open than it ever was when we were growing up and coming into our own as adults. There are new dangers out there now with the internet and globalization of things. But there are still the old dangers too…the hate, the hippocracy, the homophobia and the violence. Keep them alert, aware and yet don’t embed them with unnecessary fear of being themselves.
We each have a story, a history, and a way of being in this crazy world, it’s important to pass that knowledge on to the future. In being role models we need to tell our stories, tell how we dealt with things, how hard it was and how rewarding it is. We need to pass on the pride of the LGBT community; pride in overcoming so many obstacles and in living loving lives despite much of the world being against us. And show them that you can lead a great, productive and contributing life no matter who you identify as.
So that is what I think about when I think about being a role model to younger LGBT individuals. I want our community to be more cohesive, to come together and to be a stronger voice for all. And I want those who are younger to realize that community is important and supporting one another is vital to our mutual survival. What do you think? Are you being a good role model for those who look up to you in life?
Peace. ~MB
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