Start August Rambles…Life is Good!

Damn…it’s Friday again!  While I absolutely LOVE it when we reach Friday each week, this week is different.  This Friday my Babe is here and I want time to stand still.  She’s here vacationing with me in Maine, with her 3 yr old daughter, as I’ve said previously.  So, I am wanting time to stop and wanting to spend all of my time and energy on her.  We’ve had a great time thus far, she’s been here about 9 days already and I am loving every minute of our days and nights.

It’s so different for me to get up in the morning at 5am and creep around the house getting my coffee and feeding the dogs in as quiet a manner possible.  I don’t want to wake the baby or disturb my sleeping Sweetheart.  I love watching her sleep; studying her face and stroking her hair while she’s off in dreamland somewhere.  It’s comforting to me that she’s here.  That she’ll be here when I get home from work and that she’s still going to be here for another 13 days.  I’m trying not to think about what I am going to feel like when it’s time for her to leave and return to Texas.  I know it’s inevitable, and it’s the way it is for us, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.  I only accept it.

I haven’t been in a serious relationship for many years now.  This relationship with Bones (what I affectionately call my girl) is new and different for me.  We’ve been talking and getting to know one another better since just before Christmas last year.  So, like 8 months now…and our feelings for one another have just grown stronger and stronger with each call, text and in-person visit we can make happen.  This current trip is her 3rd time coming up here to see me and we find more and more that we like about one another.  It’s a great feeling.

We had a night out together to play some pool and just spend alone time together.  My bestie babysat for us, we put the baby to bed and went out fairly late so it was easy on the sitter.  I took her to the old dive bar I used to frequent in my younger days.  Wow, has that place’s clientele changed, much younger crowd but it appeared to me the same things were going on…lots of drinking, game playing, and drug distribution.  But the atmosphere is basically the same; same old bar decor and same watered down drinks. It was funny to revisit the place and it reminds me of why I gave up hanging there and gave up drinking!  Then we checked out Legend’s Billiards for a long 3 games of us whacking the balls around on the pool table.  I’m sooo out of practice plus the tables are the 8′ regulation ones.  I am used to the 6′ bar tables so it was a lot of green space for me to deal with.  She kicked my ass.  But I had a super good time watching her do it; her ass in those sexy jeans was quite intoxicating.  Yeah, that. 🙂

My voice still isn’t back.  I saw a speech therapist on Thursday.  Looks like I am going to be quite some time like this.  My vocal cords are damaged and not working properly.  There could be a few explanations.  I smoke, so there’s that.  Reflux is their best guess at what’s caused the damage mostly.  Atmospheric pollutants – like the exhaust att he truck stop could be contributing as well.  I started taking Nexium as they recommended.  I’m not supposed to whisper or yell – both are bad for your vocal cords.  Voice rest as much as possible, Nexium, loads of water intake are basically what I have to concentrate on.  I have to do follow up appointments with the therapist for a while.  Hopefully, I can regain some of my old voice at some point.  It’s super aggravating.

Monday, August 6, 2018:

Summer in Maine this year has been really great.  The weather has been sunny, hot and humid.  Just like summer should be.  It’s been a banner year for my vegetable garden, with me being able to harvest produce about every other day for the last 3 weeks.  I’ve got ample supplies of blueberries and herbs like basil, thyme, rosemary, 2 types of oregano, cilantro and lavender.  I have harvested yellow summer squash, the over-abundant zucchini, awesome Straight 8 cukes, bell peppers, jalapeno peppers, and – of course – tomatoes!  Yep, the garden goddess has been good to me this season!

The marijuana plants I purchased as clones from a known mother strain are doing amply well.  I am so surprised that for a first time try on growing this slightly picky weed that I’ve managed to not only keep it alive but have been able to get it to THRIVE in my well fertilized Maine soil.  I’m looking forward to going through the bud process soon and harvesting it.  It should be a good quality weed and I should get quite an abundance of nice sized buds.  I’ve been studying up on High Times as to ways of harvesting and curing the plant and buds.  There is no “one-way” to do this, so I am allowed to choose how and when to harvest and finish off the product.  I am hoping to learn how to make some decent potency edibles.  I believe that edibles have a better shelf life and are easier to consume in my opinion.  It was mentioned that edibles have a better acceptance as well, that people sometimes resist at the thought of “smoking” this wonderful herb, but eating it to gain the benefits seems to be more acceptable mainstream.  Not sure if that is true, but it sure sounds like it could be!

I backed off in a MAJOR way watching the news and events of my country.  My daily news intake was pretty high there for a long time.  Right now I am distracted from this barrage of negativity by the presence of my girl and her daughter visiting, but I see that this is a huge benefit to my sanity and a major stress reducer.  It’s important to me to know and understand what is happening with the horrible Trump regime, but I was definitely watching too much and over thinking the situation.   I have some strong views of what I believe is happening to our country.  From what Trump is doing himself, to what is happening that I believe is partly happening BECAUSE of him and his hate-filled words.  The mass shootings, the bigotry, the racist attacks and killings, police brutality, protests, division of our people and damage being done to our environmental laws and our environment.  NONE of it is “good” at all.  Our Canadian friends are horrified and upset at the treatment they are getting because of their close relationship to America and I am VERY upset and sorry to them for this as well.  They do NOT deserve what Trump is doing or the ramifications of being our closest ally.  So, my Canadian friends, remember HE does NOT represent me or most of America’s good citizens.  His views are skewed, slanted and hateful.  For this, I am truly sorry.  One day this will pass and we will rectify all of his ill-thought moves.  We will get him out of office or he will die from stress and old age.  Remember, Trump is only a man…he is NOT some sort of permanent fixture and he will meet his end eventually.  Then we can reverse his stupidity with some extended work and by being kind to the world once again.  Most Americans are good, upstanding people with hearts of gold.  Trump represents that 24% of America (evidently) that is radically racist, nationalist and hateful – sadly.

Bones and I took a cruise on the MV Challenger out to the famous Isles of Shoals out off of the coast of the Maine/New Hampshire shore.  It was a perfect day, sunny with clear skies and out on the water the temperature was perfect for the cruise.  We saw the 5 forts that guard the mouth of Portsmouth Harbor, some pre-dating the Revolutionary war and all playing pivotal parts in our nations defense history, from Fort Constitution (at one time Fort William and Mary) to the Fort McClary – named for the first Maine man killed in the Revolutionary War.  The forts played roles in the defense of America from foreign sea invasion right up through the second World War and remain in defense stance even today.  Portsmouth Naval Shipyard – the oldest continuously working shipyard in America – consumes much of the Maine side of the Piscataqua River shoreline and is quite something to see, from the nuclear submarine overhaul facilities to the old Naval Prison that stand like a haunted castle.  The last man executed in Maine was held at that prison.  It closed in 1979…I remember when it was still open and in operation during my senior year of high school.  You could see it from the high school windows…eerie.

The last 12 days of having my girlfriend here with me and spending most of my time – except for work hours – with her has been terrific.  I still have here until the 16th when she will return to Texas which is her home.  I am imagining that it will be difficult for me to let her go and that I will be sad on that day.  I’m sure I will take a week or two to readjust to being here alone and having her once again 1900 miles from me.  I’m only human and it is natural that I will feel this way.  I am sure she will feel similarly as she returns to her life and work back there.  I’m going to miss waking up with her days, miss having coffee and starting our days together.  I’m going to miss the 3 yr old sweetie that she’s raising and teaching about life.  That little girl has also stolen my heart with her infectious smiles and hearty giggle.  I have gotten up before my girl every day, and some days I have managed to get the baby up and get her day started, allowing Bones to lay to bed a bit longer and relax more in rising to meet the day.  It’s been a true pleasure to have them both here in Maine with me.  And I look forward to future visits, both with my girl alone and with her daughter.

We try to take things as they come because it’s not an ideal situation that we live so far apart.  Long distance love can be challenging and requires work, compromise, and understanding by both parties.  We’ve decided together to put the effort into this because our love and desire to have each other in daily life is so strong.  Sure, I’ve had other relationships with some great women, but this one takes the proverbial cake for me.  This woman is everything I’ve ever needed and wanted in a partner – and more.  Our connection is deep and true.  I’m loving every minute of loving her and being loved by her.  I’m really super glad she reached out to me back in December and we made this awesome connection.  It wasn’t anything either of us planned, it just happened and felt so natural for us to be together.  I just hope that we continue on this path together and can move through any obstacles the world throws at us because she truly is my piece of heaven on earth.

I hope YOUR day is good, dear reader, and that your summer has been as good as mine.  Yes, the summer of 2018 will definitely be fondly remembered and thought about for many years to come as the summer of new relationships and new adventures, as well as a summer of love and affection that cannot be put into words.

Have a super August.  And remember, be kind, you never know what anyone you encounter in your day is fighting or going through.  So be kind to each other and let the bullshit go.

Peace.   ~MB

 

 

Tales of Love…My Girl’s Visit…

I’ve been insanely busy lately.  My girlfriend visited me, with her 3 yr. old daughter in tow, from last Thursday until Monday afternoon when I drove them back to Logan Airport…they missed their 5:30 flight, but luckily made a 6:00 flight.  While they were here we had a terrific time.  Having her child here made this visit a little more complicated, but it was still completely awesome.  The child is just a peach, so sweet and easy going.  Having them here made my house so much happier; filled with laughter and fun times.

We spent more time at my home and less out exploring around the Seacoast area.  Although, on Saturday of her visit, we took her little girl up to the Maine Wildlife Park in Gray Maine and spent the day learning about and viewing all of the animals of Maine.  The place is a refuge for injured or orphaned animals and birds, some of which are rehabilitated and returned to the wild while others live out their days at the park in super nice habitats built specifically to accommodate their special needs.

Before her visit I was busy getting the house ready, putting the playpen together for the baby to sleep in and trying to inform my two little hellion dogs that we had visitors coming – specifically one very small visitor!

Last time she was here, at the beginning of March, there was snow on the ground.  We were in the midst of enduring 4 northeaster storms in the span of 10 days.  She got a full experience of Maine in the snowy winter.  This time it was nice, warm and sunny.  The daffodils outside my front steps were in full bloom and the grass was greening up real nice.  We visited Wentworth Greenhouses during this visit and I got a bunch of new perennial flowers for my gardens.  Wentworth is an experience all by itself.  It’s a massive store, with every item, plant and idea you can think of for gardening – inside and outside.

Our long-distance relationship is going great.  I’m stunned by the depth of our connection, on so many levels.  We get along so well, having many common interests.  And she is super smart, and I’m so turned on by intelligence!  I think it’s super sexy when a woman is not only very easy on the eyes, but is super smart to boot!  Does me in every time!  🙂

Saturday night we hired my niece to babysit Little Bit while Bones and I went out to dinner and to the local gay club to do some people watching.  We had a really nice time, just the two of us, out on a real kind of date for a change.  Being long-distance lovers, we don’t get much of that time for just going out together, like on dates.  So, I really tried to make it happen this time around.  I wanted to show her off, having a pretty girl on my arm and knowing it’s me she’s going home with…there’s just something about that that makes a Butch try just that much harder.

We stopped on the way to dinner at the Old Goal in York, Maine.  It’s the old town jail, and out front they have an authentic set of old stocks…for public punishment and humiliation.  We laugh about them all the time, and I put my girl in them and took some pictures…funny as fuck!  She was dressed so beautifully…in a gorgeous teal blue dress and heels.  So she looked pretty funny stuck in those old stocks!

After dinner at the 1652 in York Beach, we rode up US Route 1A through Cape Neddick and into Ogunquit Maine.  We stopped in Perkin’s Cove, which was basically deserted at this time of year.  It’s a beautiful little fishing village and tourist attraction, complete with a wooden walk-over draw bridge.  The fishing boats were all silently moored in the cove, quietly waiting for their owner/operators to arrive at the next high tide to go out lobstering.  Such a sweet and romantic kind of setting.  We hung out together on the bridge over the water for a little while, then went to the club.

So, it was a GREAT date!  A super nice 5 day visit and I couldn’t be happier!  I had a terrific time.  We both love bird watching, so we did ALOT of that!  I have my feeders set up outside the big living room window at my house, and I have a squirrel that I call “Herbie” and tons of song birds, wood peckers, wild turkeys, and finches that visit.  This morning I even had a humming bird at the feeder!  Bones loves watching too – maybe even more than me!  And she got lots of great bird pictures.  I’ll scam some and try to do another post on bird sightings soon.

The long-distance thing is challenging, but totally worth it.  The memories we are making together are priceless.  We’re both pretty rooted in our respective homes, so don’t anyone get the idea I’m renting a fucking U-Haul or anything crazy like that!!  But I do miss her insanely when we’re not together.  Thankfully we have Skype, messenger and all of the beauty of today’s technology that keeps us connected pretty much constantly.  It’s been a few months now, and we are doing pretty damned good I believe.

We have such a great thing.  We talk about everything, which is really kind of new for me in many ways.  I’ve always been so protective of my thoughts, but I feel like I can tell her anything without being judged or without her running away.  She’s just so perfect for me.  *sigh* So, I’m going to roll with this as long as I can…cuz I just can’t imagine any other woman besides her being in my life like this.  Crazy, I know, but it’s happened.  And I’m all good with it!

I hope everyone has a great week!  It’s hump day and I’m trying to catch up after my long weekend!

Peace!   ~MB

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sex. Women. Relationships

Sex.  It’s so simple, yet so fucking complicated.  I’m going to admit something very personal here…I haven’t had sex in 2 ½ years…since just after my chest surgery, with “DG” a woman who I cared a lot for from up in Maine. Yes. Truth.  Some of you may recall my musings about her a few years back.  I fell for her, but she was far too busy and had too much going on in her life to include any time with me.  Thus, we went our separate ways.

Why? You ask.  Well, there are several reasons.  Most of which are just excuses.

I honestly would rather be alone than to have a meaningless sexual encounter with anyone.  Being alone isn’t bad; I treat myself good and I can take care of my own needs if necessary.

I’m rather picky.  I know what I like, and I don’t tend to vary from those likes very much.  I enjoy very femme women, and those with smarts, sass, and good attitudes.  I like a woman who will make time for me and not make me beg for it.  And I give the same in return.

Over these last few years, I have met a couple of very nice women.  I’ve chatted with them; talked for hours and made some semi-connections.  But, until recently, I hadn’t met anyone who I wanted to give my time and attention to solely.

My life can be a bit complicated in some ways.  The living with HIV doesn’t make it easy – or comfortable – to meet women. I’m always conscious that at some point I must tell any prospective lover that I have HIV.  I’m very careful, and I’m undetectable which makes me pretty much unable to give the virus to anyone sexually – even without protection.  But, still, it’s an uncomfortable complication for me.  I would never be able to live with myself if I infected another person.

Then there is my being in recovery…another piece of stupid baggage I haul around and have to explain and hope for understanding.

I watched a Ted Talk tonight about sexless marriages.  I had that experience in my 14 yr LTR.  In the beginning, it was great, we had a LOT of great sex, but over the years things waned and it became like a blue moon – occurring seldom.  I got really frustrated with that and stepped out of that relationship, eventually ending it.  Sex IS an important part of any intimate relationship.  I’ve always said that when the sex is good, the relationship is great.  But when the sex isn’t there, the relationship is on the skids.  It’s a very good barometer of how healthy the overall relationship actually is.  I stand by that philosophy.

It also seems that the women that I get myself involved with are also a bit complicated.  I’m definitely seeing a pattern in that aspect.   DG had her husband, kids, high powered job and brutal travel schedule…of course she had no time for me.  Spanish chick was just too weird.  I can’t even explain that one; just too young, too inexperienced and too flighty. And Kat, well let’s just say she changed teams, and I wasn’t down with that – too bad cuz we lost a good 9-year friendship in the process.

Now I’ve been becoming involved with a woman who I am absolutely insanely crazy about.  She’s awesome, but has her own complications – but nothing that I am not willing to work around, believe me.

I just turned 56.  I’m getting too old to be chasing after women.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  What I really want right now is to continue to develop a good relationship with  – let’s call her “Bones” – she’s weaseled her way deep into my heart and now I don’t want to let go.  I’m not positive that I am doing the right thing, but I am positive that I want to be doing it.  Bones has a way of just being herself and being awesome.  I know I could fall in love with her, but that would just make things even messier for both of us I think.  But how do I keep myself from letting that happen?  I have no clue.  And it may be too late.

I never intended for this to happen.  I didn’t go “looking” for anything.  Things just fell into place and we fell into each other’s lives and it’s been really a great experience.  I’m glad it happened.

So, tonight I am laying here contemplating all that is going on in my life.  Everything is going really well, and I am happy.  I just don’t want to fuck this up.  Or hurt anyone in the process.

She’ll be here to visit with me in 17 days…and I’m counting down the minutes.

That’s another thing about her that is so different…she is making this huge effort to come and spend time with me.  That’s something that means a lot to me.  If she hadn’t been able to come here I am sure I would be going there.  We want to see each other; to spend time together and to see where this goes together.  It means the world to me that she’s going to be here with me for a few days.  I am excited about it, although a bit anxious too. But that’s normal I think.

So, there’s a personal peek into my life for ya.

Peace.  ~MB

Again on Butch-femme Relationships

butchfemmejpeg1

I have just had the pleasure of reading a most outstanding piece on Huffpost  called “Redefining Butch-femme Relationships”, by Georgia Kollas, writer, Huffington Post blogger, and cultural observer.  I loved it!  It could not have been any better!  I encourage all of you to give it a good read!

Also, Ms. Kollas is a self-identified as a femme, a “strong, badass” one at that!  I love reading about the “dance” from a femme perspective as it’s obviously the opposite, yet the same as my own experience from my stance as a Butch.

To quote one favorite and much agreed with paragraph from Ms. Kollas’s article:

…We are yin and yang – seemingly oppositional forces that are actually complementary and interconnected. We offer a devoted appreciation for the gender expression of the other, an affirmation of intrinsic qualities that make us who we are. Each of us is unique, with our own blend of characteristics along a gender spectrum. We all carry both masculine and feminine aspects within ourselves.

I so agree that we are the “yin” and “yang” in each other’s worlds.  We are the same, yet complete opposites that need on another for happiness and love.  We, both identities, thrive on the energy that our opposite exudes.  As a femme loving Butch, I am very strongly attracted to the softer essence of the femme, and to her fierce badass parts as well.  It’s not just about the sex, it’s about the “big picture” that each of us has in mind.  It’s about the sensuality, both strong and intriguing, that lures us to each other; to desiring to be in one another’s presence.

I’ve always heard the old “mimicking hetero” stuff, even from other lesbian identified people in my community.  And it makes me chuckle to myself because that’s really not what Butch-femme relationships are at all.   As a Butch I do not desire to be or to mimic a man; I am a undeniably a female person who is entrenched in masculinity from within my soul.  I embrace my masculinity, and I love women who embrace their femininity with that same reciprocating enthusiasm – particularly lesbian identified femmes who find my Butch-ness appealing and attractive.

I appreciate the power of a femme; that alluring mystique that captivates my every thought when I am with her.  I love the flirtations and the magic that happens within the Butch-femme dance.  That magic fills my chest with pride; pride for being with such beautiful and sexy woman that makes my masculinity feel so perfect to me.  There is just nothing akin to the exquisite dance that happens when we are connecting.

Another favorite line from Ms. Kollas writing,

I love butch–femme and the particular dynamic that exists when two people are firmly in their fullest expression of their gender and interconnected in a dance of complementary opposites.

I see femmes as precious beings; ones to be protected and to be loved deeply.  As I run my fingers through her long hair, balling my hand into a fist and pull her head back to kiss her passionately it is actually she who controls that very moment, as it is she gives me that power.  There is a power exchange in the Butch-femme dynamic that is fierce, yet so subtle and we feel it deep in our bones; spiritually, emotionally and sexually.

We know the deal, and we’re in-tune as we dance.

Kudos to Ms. Kollas on this wonderful article!

Peace.  ~MB

045

 

 

 

The Insomnia Files

cropped-seacoast-sunrise-8-7-17.jpg

I’m awake. I should be sound asleep, dreaming of sex or something equally as deviant. But, hell no, I am wide awake and just wishing I could sleep some more; hoping that maybe after I write a little and just chill that I’ll be able to fall back to sleep for a few hours.

The news in America is just so troubling. From Trump’s continuous blunders and embarrassments to the devastation from Hurricane Harvey on Texas and Lousiana, you just can’t escape it. Every news channel is focused on these points; these topics of communal interest.

I, like everyone here, am so saddened by what is happening in Texas/Louisiana and along the Gulf Coast of Texas. From Corpus Cristi to Houston, and every small town and city in between there has been so much loss and destruction. This hurricane is the single largest natural disaster that the USA has ever witnessed or experienced on her own soil. And my fear is that we are only at the beginning of the losses – there will be so much fallout from the storm in the form of human suffering, pollution, ecological disaster, more fires, massive loss of personal property and real estate, and more. Yes, I think things will get much worse there before this is all over with.

The water is still mostly there, stagnant and putrid. The rescues continue with people still being IN the water, standing in it, sometimes neck deep. Animals are still being found, some lost, some abandoned at the last minute, and all needing food and care. Humane societies from around the country are trying to help out; some even taking in many animals to care for and help find homes for. I am sure there will be dogs headed up to Maine, I saw where the Maine shelter was preparing for them. I might even have to find room for one more little fur baby in my home for one of them.

My employer donated half a million dollars to the Hurrican Harvey relief effort; $250K to the Red Cross for use specifically for their efforts in Texas/Louisiana and another $150K to our company employee fund that will be used to help employees of the company who are affected by the storm. I thought this was very generous of them. And it makes me a little proud. At work, we are asking customers to join us by donating their change to the cause. I don’t mind asking knowing that the company themselves have made this huge donation as well. Basically, I ask each customer that comes through my line to donate the change rounded up to the nearest dollar, like if the sale is $5.47 I would ask that they donate .53 cents to the relief fund, rounding up so that the customer pays an even $6.00. Most say sure and are glad to do so. The money we raise at the counter there will go to the Red Cross’s efforts in the hurricane zone as well.

I can’t even bring myself to comment on Trump’s actions and behavior during this whole crisis. Let’s just say I believe it’s just plain – using one of his own favorite words – SAD.

Hopefully, our government will not make this a huge political battle to get funds to assist the victims and to rebuild the area.

Of course, the immigration debate and the government’s threat to deport all illegal immigrants will directly affect the rebuilding efforts. Ten percent of the population there is illegal, and most of them are construction workers. It’s just a shame that it will all become such a political battle that will severely affect so many innocent lives.

It’s turned very cold here at night. Temperatures are dropping down into the 40’s at night, brrrr…chilly willy! I wake up mornings and I’m damned near freezing! But I have yet to turn on my furnace! I refuse to start burning valuable oil, which has now skyrocketed in price because of the hurricane. They shut down all of the refineries in the Houston – Corpus Cristi area, which is where most of our heating oil and gasoline fuels come from. I ordered a load of heating oil this last Tuesday and got it at a price of $1.90/gal. Today, just a just 4 days later it’s up over $2.30/gal. And gasoline, OMG, that has gone crazy high! I paid $2.11/gal at the beginning of the week, and last night I passed the station where I usually fill up and it was at $2.67/gal.!!! That’s one helluva increase in just those few short days!!!! So, burning oil right now is a commodity that I can do without. I’ll just wear extra layers in the mornings and shed them as it warms up. The daytime temps have been up around 70-75.

With Fall coming in so early the leaves on the trees have even begun to change. It is pretty early for this to start happening here, which means that peak leave change and peak colors will be fairly early as well. I’m hoping to take a drive up to the White Mountains this season to see the foliage there. Maybe go over to Cathedral Ledge and check it out from the cliffs.

I finally got to the doctor for the pain in my arms and neck. And now I have a brace on my left wrist, immobilizing it pretty much. That seems to help. That and the addition of a non-narcotic pain reliever called Celecoxib. Between the two I’m considerably less pain and discomfort. The doctor ordered x-rays of my c-spine area, and I haven’t heard back on those yet. We’re not sure if the pain is being caused by nerve damage in the c-spine, or if it’s carpal tunnel type stuff that’s happening.

Also had my blood drawn for my quarterly level testing to make sure I am staying healthy and my medications are working properly to keep my HIV suppressed. I meet with my specialist about that this week. I’m feeling just fine, so I am not worried as I am sure the tests will show that I continue to be healthy and my virus is being kept in check.

I’ve been spending a good amount of time online and on Skype with my sweetheart. She was out of the country for a little while, traveling for her work. We managed to stay in touch thanks to Facebook’s messenger even during that time. I’ve really gotten spoiled by being able to Skype video call with her quite a bit. She’s really become the Rockstar in my life, and I’m so friggin happy about that!

Alright, it’s dawn here in Maine. Looks like it’s going to be a nice clear day, not much for clouds in the sky that I can see. I’m not sure what the day will bring, but probably some garden work and a run to the post office to mail a package to start off.

Here’s a new pic of the front of my house with the freshly painted porch and some new flower baskets and hangings.  The old place is looking pretty good!   Peace!  ~MB

2017-08-27 18.47.47

I Don’t Want to Miss This…

It’s the middle of the night…I reach for my phone…has she messaged me?  Did I miss it?  Damn, I never want to miss her messages, her texts, videos, pictures…I don’t want to miss a thing.

I’ve been sort of walking on clouds…and eggshells simultaneously.  I’m falling very hard for her and I know I can’t hide it.  She’s in my thoughts and in my heart constantly.  I have kept myself very guarded; not letting anyone into my heart, for a very long time.  I’ve been keeping people at arms length for so long that it is like a whole new thing to let her in; to let her past those walls and to reveal my vulnerability to her.

I don’t want to scare her away, and I also don’t want her to get away!  I have to be patient and focused.  I’ve been given another chance at real love – and that doesn’t happen too often, so I don’t want to fuck it up in any way.

She’s different from the other women I have been with…and she deserves to be honored and respected for her uniqueness.  She’s teaching me, and I am teaching her.  This is a new world and a learning curve for both of us.  Our histories are similar, yet very different at the same time.  We’ve both been in places that we didn’t want to be in, yet stayed for all the wrong reasons.  And it’s a tender walk out of that dark forest, a very tender walk.  But putting the past behind us so that we can build on our future is important – and doing it right is as well.  I want her to do things in her own time; at her own pace and for the right reasons.  Just as I have to do, too.

Yeah, so I think I have found the woman who can handle me.  Who wants me no matter the scars and the baggage that I carry and she’s willing to take me as I am, no demands and no requirements in advance.  She gets me.  She really does.  And I love her for that.

I can’t change who I am, and I don’t want to have to ever do that.  This woman isn’t wanting me to change.  She gets that I am Butch and stuck in my ways.  She understand my dominance and my quirks.  She’s my Rock star.

And she is awesome.

 

 

 

.

And I don’t wanna miss a thing…

It’s a nice cool 61 degree morning here on the coast of Maine, albeit a rather overcast day.  The clouds gathering above me in the sky are heavy and full of rain – which will surely soon be pouring down upon my thirsty gardens and lawn spaces, thankfully.

I am up. I got up at 4:30am after a few short hours of sleep.  I’ve been having the most insane dreams lately.  I’m not sure if it’s med related, stress related or just that I am fucking weird.  Again last night I dreamed of being in the Army once again, and this time being deployed to control riots surrounding the Charlottesville white supremacist rally.  Yes, my dreams are overlapping into what is happening in real life here in America.  If I were able I would re-join the Army in a heart beat, but I’m aged out at 55.  Even so, I still dream of being in uniform again every now and then.  I often lament that I should have stayed my ass in the military until retirement.  But back in the mid-80’s when I finished my tour of duty the climate around being lesbian and in the Army was not good.  They were still in the midst of having monthly “witch hunts” and “round ups” of gays and lesbians to throw out of the service just for being who they were.  I narrowly avoided a couple of those round ups because I did not use my real name back then.  Off-post I had an entirely different identity; living stealth in order to maintain my position with the Army.  I did not want to have to explain a discharge that was other than honorable to my father – a man I feared and respected; a man who said I did not have the “balls to join” the Army…yeah, I was busy showing him what a damned good soldier looked like!

…and I digress…

I was saying, it is a fantastic start to my day here.  Life has been changing lately for me, as I mentioned briefly in previously posted blogs here.  I’ve been making changes, still growing and just relaxing more into myself and into life.  I’ve been trying hard to become more aware of myself; of my internalized phobias, and trying to work on those. We all have them, we try to deny it but it’s a fact.  I’ve been trying harder to think about what other people are going through or are concerned with and to be empathetic to those things.  I think it’s making me a better person.  I hope it is.

I have been getting out more the last few weeks.  Doing more by the way of social sort of stuff.  Generally I keep quietly to myself.  But I have realize that this isn’t doing my psyche any damned good.  Thus I have made more of a concerted effort to socialize and get the hell out of the house days.

On the 10th I went out to The Old Ferry Landing in downtown Portsmouth, NH with my whole family for a birthday dinner for my mother.  The Landing is right on the Piscataqua River, in Portsmouth Harbor.  It’s the very spot where the old ferry would land to bring passengers and freight back and forth across the river between Maine and New Hampshire up until the first draw bridge was built in the 1930’s.  So it’s a very historic spot, and when I am there I imagine what it might have been like for my grandmother to ride that ferry to town, which she did back then.  So it’s like walking in the footsteps of my ancestors.

Right next to the landing is the home of the Moran Tugs.  These tug boats are used to guide commercial vessels through the channels of the Piscataqua, one of the fastest current salt water rivers in the world, and through the two draw bridges that span the river.  There is a 3rd bridge, the “high level” we call it, that is high enough to navigate ships beneath, so it is stationary.  Right now the “middle bridge” of the Sarah Mildred Long Bridge, is being replaced.  It’s quite the project building a new draw bridge with all of today’s technology incorporated into it.  The project is the talk of the seacoast at this time.

Here are some good pictures of me, my family, the restaurant and the tugs.  Taken with my new Moto phone’s camera.

And while I was in the city (Portsmouth) I happened by a little shop that is owned by a dear old friend of mine. She is actually the woman who worked at the clinic where I tested positive for HIV back in 1992.  She is the one who had to break the news to my bewildered ass.  And I was the first woman she had ever had to tell they were positive.  So we have a sort of bond because of this happening to us back then.  We have always stayed in touch on the fringes, seeing each other at various outings, like Pride, Women’s March, and others.  Well, she dragged me into her little shop, which is for femmes let me tell ya, it’s full of jewelry, scarves, and hats…oh the hats…seems they were having a little “hat party” at the moment that I happened by on my way to the Ferry Landing.  Once inside they took great glory in having a Butch in their midst.  I got flirted with and poked fun of and then THIS happened: Ang Hat Pic

Yep, they made me try on one of the foofy hats…and they sure did get a laugh out of it, as did I.  I graciously allowed them to take this pic…so here it is for prosperity…and you all get a good chuckle out of it too.  🙂

This last Saturday I went up to celebrate my neices’s birthdays – Kyle and Meagan are both 23 this year…oy vey…and they often celebrate together as they are only 4 days apart in age.  Yes, 1994 was a very busy year for my family! lol.  It was the year I became an Auntie.  Auntie Butch…go figure. One of the proudest times of my life.  Here are some pics from the pool party we had Saturday.

Yes, it was complete with fresh off the boat Maine lobsters!  And they sure were great.  They are hard shell right now and full of good meat.  I had a fun time sending pics of them to my girlfriend and freaking her out…she’s never had a lobster.  Soon…very soon.

Yes, you read that right.  Girlfriend.  I formally asked her to be my girlfriend.  Hey, it’s the Butch way, you got to be respectful; not assume anything.  If you don’t ask; if you don’t together label what you have then it’s not official.  That’s my code anyway.

I’ve known this woman for close to a decade now…she’s been right in front of me and I just wasn’t ready…and in reality neither was she.  Both of us were on other paths; going through other things of our own and were just aware of each other on the fringes…but come to find out we WERE both aware…

The last 10 years I have been involved in some not so good situations.  I was with one woman on and off for many of those years.  I thought we would be together basically forever, but she met a man and realized she wasn’t who she thought she was.  Did it hurt?  Hell yeah.  But I don’t want anything to do with a woman who may be the least bit straight in any way, shape or form – not even a little bit.  So that ended, and ended very abruptly.  It’s for the best, I was “settling” I now see.  I didn’t have that passionate love for her that I need to have for the forever woman in my life. Then I started to get involved with another woman, but turned out she was so deep in the closet that she was kissin the back wall hard…So, yeah, I had some fuck ups along the way here, but it’s all behind me now.

I backed off dating completely; just gave the fuck up and figured I’d just be happier sticking to myself and not getting involved with anyone, it seemed to always be just too damned complicated.

That worked for a good while…then she somehow got my attention and things turned in a different direction. We got to just casually talking at first, and then it became clear that we had both been stealthily following each other for almost 10 years…interacting on rare occasions, but just enough to stay in touch.  We began daily conversations, got into some pretty deep stuff from both of our lives.  Both being bloggers and being each other’s followers, we knew quite a bit about one another; each had watched the other go through a myriad of struggles over the decade. We filled in those blanks; those things that we didn’t disclose in our blogs, the intimate details…lots of very personal stuff we have shared.  I’m not afraid of her hurting me, I’ve let that wall down and damn, it sure feels great.  To finally have someone who I can trusts with my heart.

Fast forward a little bit and I have really connected with this great woman.  She has stolen my heart…in a very good way.  She makes me smile, laugh, think and want to be all that I can be for her – and for myself.   I keep pinching myself to see if this is real; to see if I am really awake and that this is happening for us.  We’ve gotten really close, sharing our fears, our dreams, and our mutual affection for one another.  I haven’t felt this way in a very long time….like since 2007…and I don’t exactly know where this journey with her will take me, but I am sure going to find out.  I’m not letting go now for anything…anything.  I’ve needed her for so long, and now she’s right in front of me right where she belongs.  In my heart and in my arms.  I don’t wanna miss a minute of this…

More on this to come…I am sure as rain.   Peace.  ~MB