Things Butch-Femme

Vulnerable Thoughts

I feel the need to write.  Just write.  I can’t pull a particular topic out of my head, but here I am in front of the WordPress posting page…again.

The past few weeks have been strange and enlightening to me. I’m going through some kind of inner “shift” I believe.  Notions I took for granted just aren’t proving to be true.  I keep my emotions pretty locked down and close to the vest, so to speak.  I am not one to just lay them out on my sleeve for the world to see.  That makes one too vulnerable…and we all know how we hate vulnerability (especially Butches!).  But I have to get some stuff out and it may make me vulnerable in ways I will be uncomfortable with, but hey, what the hell.

One of the biggest things I am questioning is love and relationships.  What the hell IS a relationship in today’s cyber techie world anyways!?  Online anyone can tell you anything and you have only gut feeling to believe them, you can develop feelings that you don’t know if they are true or not until you come face-to-face with someone, you can have some incredible experiences and once in a while a bummer experience.  But it’s all part of the package of “chance” that we take in relationships.  And I never regret experience, it’s what makes each of us who we are every day. 

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  The old adage goes.  

So, I am thinking that I am no longer going to be looking for “Ms. Right” but more for more experiences with more people.  In other words, I am not going to play the game of monogamy any longer. (Although, there is one woman, in Utah, that I WOULD go back to monogamy with but unless she comes back into my life, the chance of that is slim to none.)  

What does this mean?  I don’t want to say it means I am poly-amorous, but maybe it does.  I am not sure.  I know that I have interests, a few of them.  I get different things; different satisfactions from each of them individually and I like that aspect very much.  I’ve been struggling with this issue for a little while now, and as I ramble I am still struggling.  I don’t want to be tied down to one woman indefinitely, that’s the plain and simple point.  There are many reasons – some valid and some probably not so valid – that I am going in this direction and have been for some time.  I feel a bit vulnerable in saying it publicly, but I have been pretty honest with my blogs and my readers, so I am putting this out there.  

Love is a very broad subject, and has many means of manifesting in our lives.  I have love for many people, many various kinds of love.  I have never been “good” with a monogamous lifestyle, although I have tried several times with some fantastic partners, each of whom I still love and respect immensely to this day.  Each contributed to who I am and I thank them deeply for their contributions to my life.

I haven’t been open with many about my choice to keep my dating style “open”…and those I have, have been a little wierded out by it…but I don’t know how else to explain it to anyone. I just am tired of restricting myself, and then you start dating someone and figure out that it’s not all that and the bag of chips you thought it was, so you want to move on a bit, but someone always seems to be hurt.  I think in keeping myself on an “open relationship” type status that perhaps some of this will be avoided because I will date only those others who are on that same page.