Deep Thoughts and a Look Back on 2019

 

“No one is ever promised and easy path through this snake infested swamp…and then it’s suddenly our turn to cross that black water, or become lost in the past, perpetually locked in suspended states of illusion. Just where are you going? What’s the purpose of your journey? Do you know? Or have an idea? sigh ah, and there it is…the never-ending stream of unanswerable, internal, silently screaming questions bombarding our brains, commandeering our thoughts; demanding answers — for which we have none…yet.” {asl 2019}

If I died alone, never meeting the one for me, so be it, that’s what was meant to be. But I found the one for me, my soulmate. She is my partner, and my best friend. The mere thought of not being able to talk to her again, discuss science, argue about politics, talk of the obvious existence of extraterrestrials, the chance to make each other laugh…. these things fill me with a dread and sadness I can’t put into words.

It really all comes down to this though: tell your loved ones you love them. Don’t let things end on bad notes. Don’t go to bed angry. Take the blame during a fight even if you’re right, because life is so much more fleeting than you realize. Do nice things for people, express your appreciation. Be romantic, be kind, be optimistic. Do not allow fear and anger to rob you of your happiness ever. Be bold. Take chances. Love hard. Do not let go easily, be resilient. And always, always say ‘I love you’ upon parting.

2019 was an upside down year; one of those years where you learn the hard way to roll with the punches of life events and try not to let that bad taste in your mouth linger for too long as it will slowly poison you from the inside out. It’s one of the years that presented me with a HUGE learning event and some MUCH needed wisdom and guidance around life and living with purpose – not just sliding by from day to day. While that method seems to somehow make sense at times, it’s not really any way to live every day. We each need purpose and we each have desires. Those must be fulfilled or we end up just empty and floating aimlessly in the sea of darkness, alone, afraid and feeling quite useless. Nothing makes sense. No one makes sense. It leads us often to the quesiton “what is the point?” — never a good question to be asking oneself.

I haven’t been myself for a couple of months now. I was losing ground. Feeling stupid and not taking care of myself as I should have been doing. I had let myself become heavily invested in someone who came into my life 2 years ago; someone I believe is a real soulmatch for me. What I did wrong, in hindsight, is I allowed myself to let down my walls far too soon, and far to low.I lost touch with that one major Butch rule: “Never let your life be control or guided by pussy – anyone’s pussy – ever.” Until the day one of my Butch brothers slapped me on the back hard and said those words right into my face from about 10″ away, adding “Get a grip, man. Get a grip!” He was right on the money too. I had given over too much while not taking what I needed in return. I was over-confident that she loved me as I loved her. I let my guard down because of that and I am paying dearly still. Perhaps for a long, long time to come. Guess that’s to be determined.

I’ve been rolling these thoughts over and over in my head for weeks on end now. Trying to make sense of which way to go now. How to I reclaim my power? How do I find my worth once again? Who the hell AM I now??? I am not even sure of that anymore. This really took a LOT out of me. I never, ever saw it coming. Completely blindsided by someone I trusted more than anyone I had ever trusted in my life before. THAT fucking HURT the hardest.

I know that I have to continue to work through this myself. I know that I can and will do it; I’ll be damned if I let this keep me down or change my positiive attitude. I don’t want to live with doubt and fear. Nor do I ever wish to become so involved or over-confident in someone like that ever again without a very specifically laid out contractual agreement of the rules between us. I didn’t move on doing that with this person, because I was taking it “slow” and now I see the very, very big error in that way!

I also see things like making sure that both people have a really good idea of thier personal desires for the direction of the relationship – before becoming overly invested or even tossing out the “L” word. Relationships are great support for anyone, if they are healthy and equally tended to by both parties. One cannot “give” more than the other in the emotional department especially. Both must be willing to be equally vulnerable and thus trusting.

Don’t you just wish like a motherfucker that we KNEW all of these little tidbits of relationship tips before we stumbled into someone we wanted to love with all we’ve got inside? Wouldn’t that just make love so much easier? Ah, but the unknown of ‘love’ is part of the mysteriousness that makes it so damned attractive and alluring. The discovery process is so intoxicating that in our drunken love state we often lose sight of reality and throw caution to the wolves. It’s almost comical -but really NOT – how foolish we get over lust and love as well as how often we confuse the two states completely.

I can still shut my eyes, lay my head back on the pillow and see every curve, every hair, every mark on her body in my mind. I knew that body very well. And I showered that body and mind with love beyond anything I had given to anyone before. That’s pretty fucking deep to even say, but it’s fucking right as rain. Yes, I have lots of photos I could refer to, but I have boxed them all up and stored them away, out of sight to try to keep the visions of a minimum. It hurts to look at her photo and those eyes…those gorgeous eyes. With my eyes still shut I can inhale and still find her smell lingering in the recessed depths of my brain. I still feel her laying next to me, finger tips tracing across my chest, my jawbone, sweeping into my short hair as she leans in to kiss me passionately. Yes, I have all of those so very real memories driving me insane nightly. I wish so hard to be swallowed up by those thoughts and memories and be forever lost in space with only her as my company; my sustenance, my survival until that final heartbeat goes still and I can forget. That is the only thing that will make me forget. The only thing.

Everyone has their own reality in this life. No two are the same. Most aren’t even similar. Often our immediate life circumstance is the basis for most of our reality based choices and decisions. For example, my life as an older, single Butch with no children or major responsibilities at this point in my life is vastly different from my recent girl’s circumstances with having a special needs child that needs 24/7 care, a husband who is there in the picture daily to support the two, and a professional life she tries to manage around it all, and what I thought was a desire for a lesbian partnership too.

Once, in the not-so-distant past, I thought that these two different realities would mesh together and be very good for all involved. I thought, and was willing to, I could provide much physical and emotional support to her and to him as well with the kiddo. Because I love her so deeply – and grew to adore and love the child as well – I believed that I would be good for them all; be a good fit and be a very loving partner in the sphere of things. I personally still actually still believe this could be true. I had reached a point where I am fully willing to change my physical situation in life to be close to her and continue the relationship into whatever the next phase would be. We were close to making something close to that happen when the world fell apart for us. So close.

It’s no longer of any use to rehash the events that lead to the demise of our relationship. I don’t even care about those things anymore. It’s useless to keep even thinking about them, so I have basically forgotten about 90% of it now. I wish it had never happened, but it did and I didn’t know what to do, how to handle it, or which way to turn to figure it out. I found myself standing very alone on the precipice of darkness, without the anchor which had held me happily steady for almost 2 years. It was the saddest day of my life to date. Hands down, saddest. I felt true loss and had no one who understood or to lean on in that time. That’s when I truly learned how fucking strong I am inside. I weathered the most serious storm of my personal life by myself, unassisted and did it with the most dignity I could muster. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but I never claimed perfection…but I’ve weathered all of it as good as I could.

Our lives happen in chapters. This is close to the end of chapter 5 for me. Generally I’ve experienced the chapters to coincide closely with decades and milstone marks. Childhood, teen years, 20’s (insanity), 30’s settling, 40’s realizing what I was missing something big, and the 50’s trying to find that more stable, decent life I desire, more purpose and a partner I can count on to be at my side. Maybe these chapters are similar for many of us. I know through conversations that I share much with many of my Butch counterparts. And sometimes we even have to refer back to a previous chapter, a specific page perhaps, to help us through the current chapter a bit easier. There’s no set “road-map” of this lifestyle, just a gut feeling and some pretty honestly ethical ways and rules to things. I dislike hard rules, but there are about 5 Butch rules that I find I have to be guided by always or I get off track and all fucked up! Ha!

Insanity is the ritual of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This is the most true of statements ever spoken. Yet, we all do it. We all try to get what we want in the ways that we are comfortable and used to using…even if it doesn’t work this time, maybe it will next time…where that fucked up thinking comes from is beyond my comprehension.

Ok, enough deep thought for today/tonight. It’s been a pretty good last-Saturday in 2019. IT was a super sunny, warm (50 degrees F!), gorgeous day to be alive. I got tons done, preparing myself and my home for 2020’s arrival on Wednesday.

2019 will definitely be a memorable year- if not for the right reasons, then for some of the more bleak or perhaps less attractive ones. Hey, nothing is guaranteed or promised – ever. Not in life, loving or living on this planet in this time dimension. WE ALL struggle to roll out of bed every morning and do it all over again. Some days we literally stop and ask ourselves, “Why?”, and some days we just pretend we are enjoying it as we slurp down coffee and race off to the office or work site for the day. Whatever we have to do to make it work; to keep us going in a somewhat forwardish direction, and to try to live our best lives, as our most authentic selves, we just do it. Over and over. Lather, rinse, repeat. Whether we are happy or not…THAT is literally up to each one of us personally to determine and make it so — or not. Choices.

Peace. ~ MB