Darker Side

My primary and most favorite web-cam, Logitech 920, is BROKEN, thus I am having issues vlogging on my Youtube channel this week.  I have writers block…can’t seem to get any words to come out right lately, thus I’m behind on my written blog as well.  It’s just a week of being behind the proverbial 8 ball.  Yesterday was lost to a fucking major migraine headache, one from which hell was derived. Ugh…what a week.

Ever have one of those weeks where nothing seems to be on-target in your life?  Yes, it’s been a busy enough week; one where i have had to swallow my pride and step outside my comfort zone on a couple of occasions.  I just hope it’s all worth it, and I can get myself into a good slide for a while.

I am a very simply, complicated Butch.  I like things neat and orderly in my life.  That includes my surrounds, dishes in the sink, clothes in my draws and general area surrounding my sometimes uncomfortable body.  I like things to be concise and clear, no gray areas.  If you mean it say it, if you don’t mean it then shut the fuck up.  I have some serious Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder going on most of the time, my reactions are not always what they “should” be or what might be expected.  I can be quite non-committal on most things and I know this can drive some people nuts.  My stoic attitude just comes with the territory of my personality.  It takes some serious shit to get me stirred up.  This can often times generally be the cause of most of my adversity with others in my life – I don’t act or react to their liking.  

I like being on my own; being alone and doing whatever I feel like doing at any given moment, on any given day.  I’m kind of in the middle of thinking very hard about that and about what my wants and desires for my life going forward exactly ARE lately.  It seems that one day you have things figured out, then something happens and while you try to get back to the figured out part, something is just out of sync afterwards.  Ok, so the problem is that I should be thinking hard, but honestly I am not putting very much effort into it at all.  smh…grrrr

Emotion is a difficult thing for me overall.  And over the years of my life I think I have even hardened up a bit more in that department.  Like I said, it takes some major shit…or simply a picture of an abused animal….to get me riled up or upset.  I think that’s a good thing, but it also works the opposite, where I don’t jump into feelings of good very quickly either.  Perhaps I am an anomaly; some twisted version of emotional fucked-up-ness.  (I know that’s not a real word, deal with it.)  

I didn’t realize that I so enjoyed my alone time quite so much until recent months.  While I do enjoy human company as well, I like it to be on my terms.  Yeah, I am also greedy with my personal time.  I think I want a relationship, but then all the reality of having someone there on a daily basis, in my space, sets in and I balk.  Not only do I balk, but I can punt, bunt, and kick the proverbial ball away too.  It’s not funny.  But you can laugh, go ahead!  I am.  

I like simple things. I enjoy my morning coffee and a good strong smoke.  I like my music loud, my dog quiet and my world organized and manageable.  I like a challenge, but not an impossible task.  Depending upon the day, I could be in a really good mood and laughing, or I could be a grouch of giant proportion.  Good thing I learned years ago when I could add a touch of alcohol to that mess and when not to do so!

Luckily I got the violent side of me out years ago, and now I am pretty much settled in to just being a dick head mostly.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a place for some mildly violent play  – just now it’s done with safe words!

Maybe this blog doesn’t make a lot of sense today…my head is just about to explode with excess crap.  So there you go readers, a peek into the slightly darker side of MainelyButch.