Way back memories..

…turned on the tv tonight and saw k.d. lang was on Maine Public…the Ingenue re-do concert from San Antonio, along with an interview with her…

Here’s the video trailer

And this is her and Melissa Etheridge in 1994…now THIS is the stuff I remember; going to these concerts, raising holy hell…fuck yeah. Of course, when they did this duet I was only 32…damn, to look that young again…My hair was about the same as k.d.’s back then too.  80’s and 90’s memories are pretty intense, and lots of fun for the most part.

This time of year brings up lots of old memories. I see various commercials that remind me of things gone by; of people and the historical events of my past. Some nostalgic moments and some that I’d rather not have in the old memory banks, yet there they linger.

My favorite childhood Christmas memory is from the year my parents gave me and my sister, Deb, a fully set up aquarium with fish and all the fixing! They got it and set it up under the kitchen sink to get it ready for fish, then they got the fish and kept it running under there without us two ever finding out before Christmas morning when they surprised us with the beautiful fish tank. It was like 1967 and we lived in an upstairs apartment of a duplex in Poughkeepsie New York, not far from Vassar Brothers Hospital, where my siblings, the twins, were born in June of ’68.

Memories make up the history of who we were; where we came from and what we experienced in life that led us to be who we are today. Good and bad, they all intertwine to compose each of us as individuals.

What is your favorite childhood Christmas memory?

Peace ~ MB

Haunted Still by Her

Ahhh, today was a very good day! I was up at the crack of dawn, the birds just starting to stir and chirp, and the sky just beginning to become light, sun not yet above the ocean to my east.  Yes, it was 4:20 am and I was up and at it for the day.  I had fallen asleep at 10pm last night after a full day of working on the house.  I’ve been alone all week and damn it feels freaking great.  I’ve been working on reclaiming my Butch Bachelor Cave here in Maine.  Not that I didn’t care for it before, I just needed to change everything I touched to make it mine again.  Some weird Butch thing I suppose.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about the last several years…the wild times, the good times, and the bad times, and the changes in the world and the changes in ME.  There are several prominent moments that stick hard in my head and make me still ask myself WHY I did those certain things – or why I didn’t do specific other things.  I shake my head, and just admit I made mistakes, big and small, but I’m still kickin and smiling once again.  

I keep some things very very private.  I do it so as not to hurt someone any further than I already did.  But my brain works that situation over almost daily and it aggravates the crap out of me that I cannot reach out; reach back and do something differently.  They say no failure is fatal, that you admit them and correct them….I just wish I knew how to do that.  There is just this one single relationship failure that I caused a few years ago that I wish I could have the chance now to at least apologize for, for behavior that was NOT really me, and not what I wanted to really happen. Perhaps one day I will have that chance, just an exchange; a short conversation to ease my heart; to know that she doesn’t feel as I still do today.

I’m very grateful for the life i have today, and I’m relatively happy.  I enjoy my own home and my freedom to be myself tremendously.  I am thankful for the progression of the country towards more equality and justice.  I am hopeful for a bright and loving future for the world and for me as an individual.  I will continue to strive forward to make my world, the world, a better place for myself and everyone else in any way that I am able to do so.

I’m seriously enjoying the renewed bachelorhood that I have once again found.  (Much to some people’s dismay I am sure.) but being single once again is the best thing for me right now.  I need to really clear some things out of my past that keep me from giving of myself to anyone else – except one.  She knows who she is and she knows how to reach me I am sure.  And all she has to do is want to reach and I will most certainly leap at her outstretched hand in return.  Until I can either die – or in some miraculous way get over my desire for her – then I will continue to fly solo and reach for the stars in Azure skies.

Hell, in the last 6 years I have tried on three relationships for short periods of time.  I could not find a way to truly give myself over to any one of them, and they all deserved a love that I just could not give.  I tried, I did, but when the heart is truly elsewhere; is taken already, then you can’t be true in the moment to someone else.  It’s a total mental mind fuck

Those of you who read my blogs and have known me for a while may know my history and tell me to go after what it is that I am waiting for, but realize that that is not my choice; I cannot do that.  It’s been made clear to me that despite promises of never losing touch no matter what, it’s in her court to lob a ball at me if she ever wants to talk to me or contact me.  I’m not hard to find, hell my profile on Facebook is public, friend me and you get my phone number.  Plus, she knows how to find me I am positive of that.  Does she want to?  I don’t know her current situation.  Perhaps she’s found security and comfort in someone else; those are hard things to give up for love sometimes.  Especially when someone screws up the way I did, saying the wrong things at the wrong time for the wrong reasons  I just know that it holds me back from moving past her and on to another fulfilling relationship, perhaps it always will.  

Bachelorhood isn’t so bad!  And if I can’t have that real love again, then I would rather remain single anyways.  At least that way I will not be lying to anyone else.  My heart knows where it belongs.  And I can wait an eternity, even into the next life if necessary, for the return of the heart that belongs close to my own.     ~MainelyButch

A Moment of Reflection

So much happens in the world, and inside my freaking mind, that I would love to find the time and energy to write my thoughts about, but it seems that I can never put the two – time and energy – together when I am in that right frame of mind to write.  I am sure other bloggers out there understand what I mean. Just when you are entrenched in a good topic that’s got you blazing the paper’s edges, and breaking pen tips, something NEW happens that throws your thought process right out the window. What’s more pertinent, staying on the topic I am already on, or attacking this new “issue” or “event” that has spurned some strong emotional and intellectual responses, right away?  Yes, it’s a blogger’s thought process nightmare.  

It seems that the older I get the faster this world spins.  Of course I know perfectly well that it is not spinning any faster than it was when I entered it in 1962. Although the more years I put between today and 1962 the smaller each days percentile becomes thus giving the illusion in my brain of the world moving faster by the day. If you understand what I am saying, you are definitely good!  🙂  

The last few years have been years of some pretty major events in this world.  Mostly tragic and horrific things like super storms, inextinguishable fires, rampant madness and murder, bombings, explosions, and freak weather conditions.  Each seeming to run in to quickly take over from the last major “event”…and it just packs the mind with so much thought and a plethera of emotion that is sometimes difficult to figure out because with today’s social media and split second news reports, instantaneous information and reporting of events is so common place that if it takes more than an hour to become world headlines someone definitely turned off the internet to make that happen.

I think that growing up during the decades that I did was a blessing and a privilege for me.  It gave me the opportunity to live through and experience some very profound events in this world.  The walking on the moon, a continuously advancing space program – although I will never understand the justification of what we spend on space travel and research when there are still SO MANY problems right here on Mother Earth that could use far more attention than the question of if we can sustain life on Mars.  

Yes, if I think of all the wild, cool and incredible things that have happened during my lifetime alone it amazes me.  The bringing down of the Berlin Wall – I was bass fishing in western Massachusetts at that very moment.  Yes, astounding, unique moments in life and in the world’s history.  And I have been blessed to live my life during these seemingly packed decades of great world history and events.

There were those tragic moments as well.  Such as 9-11-01 when terrorism brought the Twin Towers to the ground, thousands of lives lost, and heroes made in mere moments.  I was standing on the roof of the barn we were building contemplating the importance of what I was doing, compared to the importance of what was happening in the world. Hammers silenced, I stood frozen with grief for my fellow citizens, their loss and the loss of innocence in America on that very day; I cried for real that day.

So this is just me contemplating where I stand today, and the view from here.  Wondering what all these things have done to me, how they have all been part of forming how I think, who I am and where I find myself today. Sometimes it’s just good to take a look at your life, to think about things, and see what’s important; what’s been important, and what will continue to be important to each of us, always.  

Just some of my many thoughts. Thanks for stopping by, for reading my blog and also thanks to those of you who watch my videos on Youtube, your support and encouragement mean a lot to me always.  Peace.