And the week starts…

I have a couple of things to talk about here today.  It’s Monday, August 27, 2018 and with just 4 more days of August ahead of us I am beginning to look toward September; the arrival of cooler temperatures to Maine, fall festivals and agricultural fairs, the leaves beginning to turn colors and yes, the annual return to wearing flannel shirts and work boots.  Fall or Autumn is my most favorite time of year.

I noticed yesterday that the lawns and tree leaves were now reflecting that “mature” darker green in their preparation to begin the colorful yearly die-off; getting naked for winter.  It’s around this time of year that I get mums for the fall, to display on my front steps and in the garden.  It’s really the only true annual flowering plant that I do invest in every year.  They’re hardy, kind of impervious to the vast temperature flux of our September and October days, and they last a good long time.  I like the bright yellow, orange, lavender and brick read colors too, they’re different from the brilliant summer blooms of other plants.  So, this weekend I will hit Lowe’s and get probably 12 of them and create my fall display outside.  Oh!  And I have homegrown pumpkins from my garden!  It’s been a banner garden year.

Sen. John McCain’s death

America lost a truly great politician a couple of days ago.  We knew it was coming, and with his refusal of all treatment the day before we understood the time was near.  The next news was his passing at 4:28 pm with his family and close friends at his bedside.  It was a sad point when the newscaster came across with “Breaking News” of his death.  I stopped for a minute, remembered how cantankerous and incorrigible McCain could be, but then also remembered how brave and courageous he was too.  I didn’t always agree with his politics, but I always agreed with his patriotism and with that love of country that the man had in him.  I always respected him from a military point; he was a pilot with the US Navy and was shot down and became a POW.  During his detention he suffered brutally at the hands of the Vietnamese, often beaten and tortured horribly on a daily basis.  THAT is some bad ass shit to live through, and yet he did and spoke of it often.  It was no secret that he had witnessed or experienced directly some pretty fucked up stuff. And yet, his love of country got him through it and gave us a well-rounded man of honor that served his country for 60 years altogether.  Yeah, John, you did good.  Now rest. We got it from here.

I won’t forget how he was staunchly against Trump’s rhetoric and evil policy bullshit.  I won’t forget the photos of him returning, a mess, from Vietnam.  I won’t forget that he is the father of Megan McCain, a lesbian woman, and yet he did not support same-sex marriage or civil unions, yet he was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans, who supported both.  I often wonder how Megan feels about her father’s lack of supportive position?  McCain was a Liberlist Conservative.  Voting conservatively about 60% of the time and more liberal leaning about 40% of the time.  He often voted with Obama, which was a good thing. Now Obama and Bush 43 will be giving the eulogies at his funeral.  Appropriate.

I am imagining it will be a HUGE television event, watched by millions here and around the world.  THAT will just serve to piss on #45 and could instigate him to do something stupid or bombastic just to re-focus attention on himself.  #45 is an egotistical fuck and cannot stand to be upstaged.  I can hear his stupid ass saying “…fucking McCain! What kind of man is he?  Dying in the middle of MY precious news coverage extravaganza?”  yup, he’s crying in his koolaid about now.

I only wish that we had MORE men in our political system, specifically the Senate and House, that had the balls and fortitude of John McCain.  #45 wouldn’t stand a chance.  He’s afraid of REAL men and women; those who talk back, question him, tell him he’s wrong and call him out on his crimes.  It’s pathetic and makes me sick that almost ALL of the current office holders in our government don’t have the guts to stand up to #45.

I am now calling him “#45” instead of his given name.  He’s just a number.  He’s a bad number, playing a horrible game with the USA and the rest of the world.  After he’s gone we will right things once again and his memory will fade, he’s just a number now and will be just another stupid number in the future.  He was put into our highest political office fraudulently; through the use of criminal activity, Russian influence, voting interference and black money.  He will NEVER be remembered for anything “good” but only as the worst thing we ever allowed to happen to America.  And yes, we allowed him to take office.  MOST voting eligible citizens of our country did NOT even vote in the last presidential election in 2016.

My Weed Plant

…is growing like a WEED!  Bwhahaha!  I laugh!  Yes, it’s kind of amazing, the plant has broken the 6′ height mark and is thriving.  I am going to build a hot house around it this weekend.  Two reasons: security and maximum growth.  Hilda is in the stage of white hairs appearing, the hint of buds coming, and just getting fatter by the day.   I’ve learned a LOT from this experience of growing marijuana plants.  I’m very interested now in furthering that experience by starting a hydroponic grow in my back room / zen room. Once I procure the necessary eqipment and set it up properly I’m going to give indoor growing a shot.  I have not yet decided what I am going to DO with all this weed, whether I leave it as flower or make it into edibles and dabs.  We shall see; the research is not complete.

Missing my girl

It’s been about a week and a half since my girl left to return to her home in Texas.  Fuck.  I miss her wicked bad.  But, life must go on, and get back to some sembelance of “normal” for both of us.  She has her life, work and a business there, and I have my own set of responsibilities here.  Long distance relationships are difficult at very  best.  We both “get” this completely.  We’re not fooled by any of it.  Relegated to messenger, phone calls and the sporadic Skype-a-thon we’re making it work.  I even get to see her little girl when we Skype on the weekend mornings.

We have photos and shared Google albums, but there isn’t anything that compares to real time spent together.  I look forward to her next in-person visit, hopefully in mid-October.  And in January, when I can travel once again, perhaps I’ll venture to Texas at some point while it’s cold and snowy here in Maine.  All I know is that I can’t spend enough time with this woman and with that in mind I’ll do whatever I am able to do to see her whenever possible.   When we are together I want to keep her within three feet of me at all times!  RAWRRRR…damn.

Ok, I’m off to work on some photo books and other crafty stuff today.  Hope you are all doing well.

Answer this in the comments:  How do you manage distance in a relationship?  If you live with your lover, how do you manage space and alone time?

Peace  ~  MB

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Start August Rambles…Life is Good!

Damn…it’s Friday again!  While I absolutely LOVE it when we reach Friday each week, this week is different.  This Friday my Babe is here and I want time to stand still.  She’s here vacationing with me in Maine, with her 3 yr old daughter, as I’ve said previously.  So, I am wanting time to stop and wanting to spend all of my time and energy on her.  We’ve had a great time thus far, she’s been here about 9 days already and I am loving every minute of our days and nights.

It’s so different for me to get up in the morning at 5am and creep around the house getting my coffee and feeding the dogs in as quiet a manner possible.  I don’t want to wake the baby or disturb my sleeping Sweetheart.  I love watching her sleep; studying her face and stroking her hair while she’s off in dreamland somewhere.  It’s comforting to me that she’s here.  That she’ll be here when I get home from work and that she’s still going to be here for another 13 days.  I’m trying not to think about what I am going to feel like when it’s time for her to leave and return to Texas.  I know it’s inevitable, and it’s the way it is for us, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.  I only accept it.

I haven’t been in a serious relationship for many years now.  This relationship with Bones (what I affectionately call my girl) is new and different for me.  We’ve been talking and getting to know one another better since just before Christmas last year.  So, like 8 months now…and our feelings for one another have just grown stronger and stronger with each call, text and in-person visit we can make happen.  This current trip is her 3rd time coming up here to see me and we find more and more that we like about one another.  It’s a great feeling.

We had a night out together to play some pool and just spend alone time together.  My bestie babysat for us, we put the baby to bed and went out fairly late so it was easy on the sitter.  I took her to the old dive bar I used to frequent in my younger days.  Wow, has that place’s clientele changed, much younger crowd but it appeared to me the same things were going on…lots of drinking, game playing, and drug distribution.  But the atmosphere is basically the same; same old bar decor and same watered down drinks. It was funny to revisit the place and it reminds me of why I gave up hanging there and gave up drinking!  Then we checked out Legend’s Billiards for a long 3 games of us whacking the balls around on the pool table.  I’m sooo out of practice plus the tables are the 8′ regulation ones.  I am used to the 6′ bar tables so it was a lot of green space for me to deal with.  She kicked my ass.  But I had a super good time watching her do it; her ass in those sexy jeans was quite intoxicating.  Yeah, that. 🙂

My voice still isn’t back.  I saw a speech therapist on Thursday.  Looks like I am going to be quite some time like this.  My vocal cords are damaged and not working properly.  There could be a few explanations.  I smoke, so there’s that.  Reflux is their best guess at what’s caused the damage mostly.  Atmospheric pollutants – like the exhaust att he truck stop could be contributing as well.  I started taking Nexium as they recommended.  I’m not supposed to whisper or yell – both are bad for your vocal cords.  Voice rest as much as possible, Nexium, loads of water intake are basically what I have to concentrate on.  I have to do follow up appointments with the therapist for a while.  Hopefully, I can regain some of my old voice at some point.  It’s super aggravating.

Monday, August 6, 2018:

Summer in Maine this year has been really great.  The weather has been sunny, hot and humid.  Just like summer should be.  It’s been a banner year for my vegetable garden, with me being able to harvest produce about every other day for the last 3 weeks.  I’ve got ample supplies of blueberries and herbs like basil, thyme, rosemary, 2 types of oregano, cilantro and lavender.  I have harvested yellow summer squash, the over-abundant zucchini, awesome Straight 8 cukes, bell peppers, jalapeno peppers, and – of course – tomatoes!  Yep, the garden goddess has been good to me this season!

The marijuana plants I purchased as clones from a known mother strain are doing amply well.  I am so surprised that for a first time try on growing this slightly picky weed that I’ve managed to not only keep it alive but have been able to get it to THRIVE in my well fertilized Maine soil.  I’m looking forward to going through the bud process soon and harvesting it.  It should be a good quality weed and I should get quite an abundance of nice sized buds.  I’ve been studying up on High Times as to ways of harvesting and curing the plant and buds.  There is no “one-way” to do this, so I am allowed to choose how and when to harvest and finish off the product.  I am hoping to learn how to make some decent potency edibles.  I believe that edibles have a better shelf life and are easier to consume in my opinion.  It was mentioned that edibles have a better acceptance as well, that people sometimes resist at the thought of “smoking” this wonderful herb, but eating it to gain the benefits seems to be more acceptable mainstream.  Not sure if that is true, but it sure sounds like it could be!

I backed off in a MAJOR way watching the news and events of my country.  My daily news intake was pretty high there for a long time.  Right now I am distracted from this barrage of negativity by the presence of my girl and her daughter visiting, but I see that this is a huge benefit to my sanity and a major stress reducer.  It’s important to me to know and understand what is happening with the horrible Trump regime, but I was definitely watching too much and over thinking the situation.   I have some strong views of what I believe is happening to our country.  From what Trump is doing himself, to what is happening that I believe is partly happening BECAUSE of him and his hate-filled words.  The mass shootings, the bigotry, the racist attacks and killings, police brutality, protests, division of our people and damage being done to our environmental laws and our environment.  NONE of it is “good” at all.  Our Canadian friends are horrified and upset at the treatment they are getting because of their close relationship to America and I am VERY upset and sorry to them for this as well.  They do NOT deserve what Trump is doing or the ramifications of being our closest ally.  So, my Canadian friends, remember HE does NOT represent me or most of America’s good citizens.  His views are skewed, slanted and hateful.  For this, I am truly sorry.  One day this will pass and we will rectify all of his ill-thought moves.  We will get him out of office or he will die from stress and old age.  Remember, Trump is only a man…he is NOT some sort of permanent fixture and he will meet his end eventually.  Then we can reverse his stupidity with some extended work and by being kind to the world once again.  Most Americans are good, upstanding people with hearts of gold.  Trump represents that 24% of America (evidently) that is radically racist, nationalist and hateful – sadly.

Bones and I took a cruise on the MV Challenger out to the famous Isles of Shoals out off of the coast of the Maine/New Hampshire shore.  It was a perfect day, sunny with clear skies and out on the water the temperature was perfect for the cruise.  We saw the 5 forts that guard the mouth of Portsmouth Harbor, some pre-dating the Revolutionary war and all playing pivotal parts in our nations defense history, from Fort Constitution (at one time Fort William and Mary) to the Fort McClary – named for the first Maine man killed in the Revolutionary War.  The forts played roles in the defense of America from foreign sea invasion right up through the second World War and remain in defense stance even today.  Portsmouth Naval Shipyard – the oldest continuously working shipyard in America – consumes much of the Maine side of the Piscataqua River shoreline and is quite something to see, from the nuclear submarine overhaul facilities to the old Naval Prison that stand like a haunted castle.  The last man executed in Maine was held at that prison.  It closed in 1979…I remember when it was still open and in operation during my senior year of high school.  You could see it from the high school windows…eerie.

The last 12 days of having my girlfriend here with me and spending most of my time – except for work hours – with her has been terrific.  I still have here until the 16th when she will return to Texas which is her home.  I am imagining that it will be difficult for me to let her go and that I will be sad on that day.  I’m sure I will take a week or two to readjust to being here alone and having her once again 1900 miles from me.  I’m only human and it is natural that I will feel this way.  I am sure she will feel similarly as she returns to her life and work back there.  I’m going to miss waking up with her days, miss having coffee and starting our days together.  I’m going to miss the 3 yr old sweetie that she’s raising and teaching about life.  That little girl has also stolen my heart with her infectious smiles and hearty giggle.  I have gotten up before my girl every day, and some days I have managed to get the baby up and get her day started, allowing Bones to lay to bed a bit longer and relax more in rising to meet the day.  It’s been a true pleasure to have them both here in Maine with me.  And I look forward to future visits, both with my girl alone and with her daughter.

We try to take things as they come because it’s not an ideal situation that we live so far apart.  Long distance love can be challenging and requires work, compromise, and understanding by both parties.  We’ve decided together to put the effort into this because our love and desire to have each other in daily life is so strong.  Sure, I’ve had other relationships with some great women, but this one takes the proverbial cake for me.  This woman is everything I’ve ever needed and wanted in a partner – and more.  Our connection is deep and true.  I’m loving every minute of loving her and being loved by her.  I’m really super glad she reached out to me back in December and we made this awesome connection.  It wasn’t anything either of us planned, it just happened and felt so natural for us to be together.  I just hope that we continue on this path together and can move through any obstacles the world throws at us because she truly is my piece of heaven on earth.

I hope YOUR day is good, dear reader, and that your summer has been as good as mine.  Yes, the summer of 2018 will definitely be fondly remembered and thought about for many years to come as the summer of new relationships and new adventures, as well as a summer of love and affection that cannot be put into words.

Have a super August.  And remember, be kind, you never know what anyone you encounter in your day is fighting or going through.  So be kind to each other and let the bullshit go.

Peace.   ~MB

 

 

Twisted Tuesday

WavebyNelsonLinscottA mid-May Tuesday afternoon…I’m sitting here feeling really mellow and accomplished for the moment.  Yeah, I find myself in a really good place in life right now.  And I am dong all I can do to keep it this way for the long-term.  My attitude has definitely improved, as well as my outlook on life in general.  So much has happened in the past year, it’s difficult to put a finger on exactly when all this change started for me; I know that having Bones in my life has been the biggest enhancement for sure.  She’s the biggest reason I keep a nice comfortable smile on my face every day.  I like that – a LOT.

I’ve been struggling with writing lately.  What happens is that I get watching and listening to news pundits and my brain goes crazy trying to take in all that is happening in my country; with my government.  It’s just insanity.  Anyone who is trying to keep up with the daily tweet storms from the idiot in the White House is probably a bit stresses like me.  I’m an activist, it’s in my bones.  And I cannot just ignore what is happening; the destruction and degradation of the United States being done by one man and one party – the GOP.  Plus, ignoring what’s happening is not going to help move us toward any solutions, we all must continue to keep abreast of this “situation” and stay well informed so that we can speak out and stand up to his bullying ways.

I don’t care to spend this whole blog talking about his dumbass tonight.  I’d rather discuss other things, but I just wanted to remind you all that it’s all-fucked-up here in the USA right now, and it’s affecting everyone – even if they deny it.  Nothing is right.  Nothing is safe.  Every one and everything is being changed…and not for the good.

Work has been going great!  I complain a bit to my girl about my job sometimes; about a particular person I don’t like working with, but for the most part I really enjoy getting up at 5am every morning (except Wednesdays) and going in to work.  The truck stop is a really bustling place, with people from all over stopping in to fuel up their 18 wheelers, or their RV’s and cars.  We are also a full gas station, convenience store, and take-out bistro.  The place has shower facilities for those looking to freshen up from their long travels.  Yes, it’s busy.  We sell about 380 cups of coffee every morning…yep, 380….that’s a lot of fucking coffee!  🙂  Thankfully the coffee bar is self-serve!

I run into many of my local friends who come in to the store to pick up incidentals, fill their cars with gas, or get a pizza for dinner.  It’s nice, I can chat for a few minutes, get the gist of the local news from their end of town, and not have to visit overly long as I have to get back to my job.  I’ve been there 2 1/2 years now and I have no current plans to leave there any time soon.  Last week I actually scored a bonus from one of our product reps for doing a good job pushing their product line.  That was nice for my checking account!  And it felt great to be recognized for the work that I do there.  I know I only work part time, but I give it my all when I am there.  I am dependable, reliable, courteous, and friendly with the clientele.  It’s not rocket science work, but it’s steady and keeps me occupied part of every week day.  Working part time fits me well.  My back is sore – that’s a given – but I can deal with it.  And my co-workers know my lifting limits due to my back condition, so it’s not a problem.  Once in a while I try to work 3/4 or a full shift, but my back starts to really get back around hour 5, so I try to stick to my 4 hour days for health reasons.  Also, working early mornings gives me the whole rest of the day to deal with medical appointments, home maintenance, housekeeping, the dogs, and my gardens and other responsibilities.  Oh…and especially time to see my Mom at least once a week for a few hours!  So, yeah, work is good.  No complaints!

My girlfriend visited again at the beginning of the month, I may have mentioned that in a previous blog…hmmm…yes, I did.  I wrote about what we did.  Anyway, I miss her terribly in between her visits.  We speak on the phone a few times a day, and are in touch via text and messenger.  We Skype a couple of times a week – which I really love to do and look forward to doing.  Modern technology makes a long distance relationship (LDR) much easier.  Before cell phones and computers I would never have thought about dating a woman who lives in Texas!  And we are both very well established in our respective homes, so neither of us is moving any time soon.  We will keep doing the LDR thing, keep having visits, and make it work.  She’s stolen my heart…something I never thought could happen again like it did with her.  She’s magic to my soul.  And she makes me incredibly proud, happy and enthusiastic about life!  She’s also very low maintenance to me, she doesn’t give me a hard time about anything (except maybe smoking, even then she hasn’t been too bad…but I KNOW I should quit) and makes it really easy for me to be with her.  I try to reciprocate those same things to her.  I just want to be a really good influence, a good lover, and a happy part of her life.  As long as we are those things to each other then we’ll stay together as we are now.

So, Bone, my girlfriend, is returning to Maine in mid-July for a month!!!  YES!!! A MONTH!   I am really stoked for this upcoming extended stay!  She’s bringing her daughter with her.  Babycakes is 3 yrs. old and just a beautiful child.  She has challenges, but she lights up the room, and I love her to pieces – it helps that I am mad for her Mom!  I set up my spare room to accommodate the little girl, and before they arrive I am planning to paint that room and then Bones can decorate it as she likes when they are here.  Right now the room has a queen size bed, a dresser, desk and night stand.  I may have to remove the desk to give her a little more room in there.  We’ll see!  It’s all so exciting!  I have not lived with anyone in years, and not that we are going to be “living” together, but her being here a month is pretty damned close!

I have need for my own “space” sometimes.  I get into moods where I just want to be left alone to do whatever it is that I feel like doing.  Bones seems to be kind of the same, she needs her alone time too.  So, it’s good that I have the 2 bedrooms, and the back room that used to be my office is now another sitting room.  I call it the “Zen Room”.  I put a couch and coffee table in there and some plants and cool stuff on the walls, so it looks nice and is a really relaxing space.  We have plenty of room to do as we please.  Damn…I am so fucking lucky.

While Bones and Babycakes are here it will be the dead of summer, hot and humid I am sure.  My parents’ have a great in-ground swimming pool, which we will be taking full advantage of using!  It’s out away from their house, so we don’t even have to bother them if we go over and hang out around the pool.  There’s a pool house, bathroom, changing room and recreation area with outdoor games, too.  I’m anticipating a lot of great water fun with Babycakes, who really loves the water!  And I’m sure my parents will have some poolside parties, BBQ’s and the such while they are here.  I’m looking forward to all of that, and to showing my girl off a little.  (I’m bad, I know! haha!)

I’m also planning a trip up to North Conway NH to do some camping and to kayak a 7 mile stretch of the Saco River up there.  My siblings usually go several times during the summer, so I imagine we will tag along with some of them one weekend.  My youngest brother already has his 40′ RV set up at a campsite up there, so we have a sort of “base station” with that, from which we can go anywhere.  And there’s plenty of room on the site to either pitch a tent, or we’ll get a couple of bunks in the RV if they’re not all full.  The thing sleeps 8 people!  It’s crazy cool.  I borrowed it once to live up at the fair grounds while I was working an 11 day fair in Massachusetts a few years ago, made me want a small one of my own.  Maybe someday I’ll get more serious about that desire and look into doing it.  Wouldn’t travelling around with an RV be so wicked pissah cool!?

I can just picture myself doing something just like that: travelling coast to coast in an RV with my dogs.  I don’t know if I would sell everything big that I owned and do it, or if I would make it sort of a seasonal excursion.  That’s a chapter of life that’s yet to be written, but it’s on my list of things I would like to do!  I should do a new vision board…and that is something that I should put on it for sure.  Perhaps I will do that while it’s raining this coming weekend!

I’ve planted my flower gardens, as I do every year.  Those who have followed me, or who personally know me, know that I love to garden.  I like to put in new perennial flowers and plants.  I moved into this house near the beginning of December 2015, so like 2 1/2 yrs now…this is the 3rd summer here at this place.  The gardens were kind of pre-established when I got the place, and the only “new” one is the veggie garden out back that me and Charlie have (Charlie’s my neighbor who’s house is behind mine).  Charlie also has a MEGA garden tilled up on the top of the hill behind his house, it’ plateau’s and he tilled up a great big rectangular area where we are going to locate all of the vining plants, like squash and pumpkins, watermelon and some cucumbers.  Charlie also likes to plant gardens of cutting flowers, so he’s putting things that flower in among the veggies too.  Today I picked up some small starter plants from Walmart’s selection, which was on sale even.  I got: cucumbers, summer squash, watermelon, pumpkins, green peppers, red peppers (both the sweet style), jalepeno peppers, basil, lavender, and rosemary.  I think that’s the whole list…did that from memory as the plants are still in the back of my car, where they will remain until tomorrow.  It’s raining outside currently, and has been on and off all afternoon, so I am planning to get them out of the car and into the ground in the morning.

2018-05-20 17.05.00Speaking of morning….tomorrow is the “day” for Lulu.  Yep, she’s going to get spayed.  She’s over 3 yrs old now (turned 3 on Feb 17th) and it’s time.  I also will not miss taking extra care of her during her heats.  She would get puffy and sore, and she would cling to me even MORE than she already does!  Wanted her belly rubbed constantly.  (Like any woman…LMAO)  And she needed baths every few days during her 2 weeks of misery.  That’s supposed to happen again in June…so I am pre-empting this show…cancelled due to lack of interest, and the star has to have some downtime….LMAO….I wonder if she will lose interest in her “humpy dog” stuffed animal that she seems so sexually attracted to during her cycle?  Hahaha…it’s funny as hell, and while I DO have a short video of it -BECAUSE  it’s so friggin FUNNY! – I am not going to post it here.  I’ll  spare you the Lulu show!  Haha.  And for anyone who is now wondering…YES, female dogs DO hump!  I have had several and every one of them was caught doing it at some point.  Some are sneakier than others – I had one that would hide and hump – while some, like Lu, have no shame.  Hey, they’re mammals, it’s natural!  (Ok, I’m laughing to myself here….)

I picked up a couple of new coloring books a few weeks back and they’ve been laying here on my table ever since.  I’m thinking that I may do some quiet coloring – maybe with a nice soft background music from Alexa – after I am done with my blogging, reading and watching the final episode of The Middle.  (Yep, I’m a known sit-com junkie…haha)  I’m feeling great; very laid back and relaxed.  As long as I don’t tune into CNN or MSNBC I’ll be super til morning!  So, after sitcom’s are over I am turning the TV off for the night.  I downloaded a sleep sounds app and am going to try out.  Maybe something in the list will inspire me in some way.

I had a couple of major health check-ups over the last month.  I’m doing excellent still.  My T-cells are 970 and my VL is >30.  It even showing could be just a blip from the time or the day it was drawn.  I’m damned lucky and damned healthy!  I also met with the kidney specialist, we’re doing more testing on what’s going on there.  There are signals that my kidneys are diseased and/or weakening.  So, I’m drinking lots of water and waiting for my next appointment.  This particular doctor is very had to get in to see, she’s top notch and her services are in high demand, so I’m willing to wait. I will see her later June again.  And I’m having testing on my liver done (a scan) first week of June, meeting the doctor on that one the following week.  If that scan goes well, which I’m sure it will, I’ll be starting on the Harvoni  – an 8-12 week treatment – soon as I am able.  I’ve been dragging my feet on this drug for years.  The only treatment prior to this was by injection…and being a recovering junkie playing with needles isn’t something I should ever be doing.  Even with the animals it bothers me to use the syringe.  Gives me the willies.

Tomorrow I’ll be getting up a bit early, so I can get Lu ready for her trip to the vet.  I’m going to finish this up here.  I hope you all are doing well, staying healthy as possible and happy as permissible.  Haha…

 

Peace   ~  MB

“What can’t be cured, must be endured.”

TimeOnlyPasses

Tales of Love…My Girl’s Visit…

I’ve been insanely busy lately.  My girlfriend visited me, with her 3 yr. old daughter in tow, from last Thursday until Monday afternoon when I drove them back to Logan Airport…they missed their 5:30 flight, but luckily made a 6:00 flight.  While they were here we had a terrific time.  Having her child here made this visit a little more complicated, but it was still completely awesome.  The child is just a peach, so sweet and easy going.  Having them here made my house so much happier; filled with laughter and fun times.

We spent more time at my home and less out exploring around the Seacoast area.  Although, on Saturday of her visit, we took her little girl up to the Maine Wildlife Park in Gray Maine and spent the day learning about and viewing all of the animals of Maine.  The place is a refuge for injured or orphaned animals and birds, some of which are rehabilitated and returned to the wild while others live out their days at the park in super nice habitats built specifically to accommodate their special needs.

Before her visit I was busy getting the house ready, putting the playpen together for the baby to sleep in and trying to inform my two little hellion dogs that we had visitors coming – specifically one very small visitor!

Last time she was here, at the beginning of March, there was snow on the ground.  We were in the midst of enduring 4 northeaster storms in the span of 10 days.  She got a full experience of Maine in the snowy winter.  This time it was nice, warm and sunny.  The daffodils outside my front steps were in full bloom and the grass was greening up real nice.  We visited Wentworth Greenhouses during this visit and I got a bunch of new perennial flowers for my gardens.  Wentworth is an experience all by itself.  It’s a massive store, with every item, plant and idea you can think of for gardening – inside and outside.

Our long-distance relationship is going great.  I’m stunned by the depth of our connection, on so many levels.  We get along so well, having many common interests.  And she is super smart, and I’m so turned on by intelligence!  I think it’s super sexy when a woman is not only very easy on the eyes, but is super smart to boot!  Does me in every time!  🙂

Saturday night we hired my niece to babysit Little Bit while Bones and I went out to dinner and to the local gay club to do some people watching.  We had a really nice time, just the two of us, out on a real kind of date for a change.  Being long-distance lovers, we don’t get much of that time for just going out together, like on dates.  So, I really tried to make it happen this time around.  I wanted to show her off, having a pretty girl on my arm and knowing it’s me she’s going home with…there’s just something about that that makes a Butch try just that much harder.

We stopped on the way to dinner at the Old Goal in York, Maine.  It’s the old town jail, and out front they have an authentic set of old stocks…for public punishment and humiliation.  We laugh about them all the time, and I put my girl in them and took some pictures…funny as fuck!  She was dressed so beautifully…in a gorgeous teal blue dress and heels.  So she looked pretty funny stuck in those old stocks!

After dinner at the 1652 in York Beach, we rode up US Route 1A through Cape Neddick and into Ogunquit Maine.  We stopped in Perkin’s Cove, which was basically deserted at this time of year.  It’s a beautiful little fishing village and tourist attraction, complete with a wooden walk-over draw bridge.  The fishing boats were all silently moored in the cove, quietly waiting for their owner/operators to arrive at the next high tide to go out lobstering.  Such a sweet and romantic kind of setting.  We hung out together on the bridge over the water for a little while, then went to the club.

So, it was a GREAT date!  A super nice 5 day visit and I couldn’t be happier!  I had a terrific time.  We both love bird watching, so we did ALOT of that!  I have my feeders set up outside the big living room window at my house, and I have a squirrel that I call “Herbie” and tons of song birds, wood peckers, wild turkeys, and finches that visit.  This morning I even had a humming bird at the feeder!  Bones loves watching too – maybe even more than me!  And she got lots of great bird pictures.  I’ll scam some and try to do another post on bird sightings soon.

The long-distance thing is challenging, but totally worth it.  The memories we are making together are priceless.  We’re both pretty rooted in our respective homes, so don’t anyone get the idea I’m renting a fucking U-Haul or anything crazy like that!!  But I do miss her insanely when we’re not together.  Thankfully we have Skype, messenger and all of the beauty of today’s technology that keeps us connected pretty much constantly.  It’s been a few months now, and we are doing pretty damned good I believe.

We have such a great thing.  We talk about everything, which is really kind of new for me in many ways.  I’ve always been so protective of my thoughts, but I feel like I can tell her anything without being judged or without her running away.  She’s just so perfect for me.  *sigh* So, I’m going to roll with this as long as I can…cuz I just can’t imagine any other woman besides her being in my life like this.  Crazy, I know, but it’s happened.  And I’m all good with it!

I hope everyone has a great week!  It’s hump day and I’m trying to catch up after my long weekend!

Peace!   ~MB

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crazy Spring Feelings

I get crazy for her some nights, that urge just won’t quit.  I lay flat on my back, which is how I sleep anyway, stretch out and try to imagine…oops, did I turn off the stove…? Fuck.  And, yes, I generally get up to check if that thought, or a thought about the heat being turned down crosses my mind.  After getting back up to check on things at least once, I settle into my bed, one dog laying by my side and the other laying on my chest.  This is how I sleep every night.  I’m a back sleeper, flat on my back.  I wake myself laughing quite often, and can manipulate my dreams if I try hard enough…it’s a gift I believe.

I got up this morning, turned on my computer and resumed watching a movie that I had started last night – before my eyelids wouldn’t stay open.  The movie was “Below Her Mouth” and is very erotic, sexy and one of the best lesbian movies I have seen done.  Generally when you watch any movie with two women getting it on it’s staged and done by straight men, thus it’s not realistic or true to form.  THIS movie was very realistic, true to form and a great depiction of lesbian sex.  Didn’t look fake at all, which made it even hotter.  So, if you’re looking to get yourself a bit sexually aroused this weekend, check out “Below Her Mouth” on Netflix.  I can just about guarantee you won’t be sorry!

The high winds last week got so bad one night that it blew my bird feeding station pole down, and it’s anchored by a piece of marble…so it has weight, but the wind was so ferocious that anything without deep roots was flying around.   Luckily, I only lost one feeder.  My finch tube feeder was crushed by the pole when it fell.  I just put everything back together and the local birds are now happily snacking once again.

Spring is very slow coming here in Maine this year.  It’s April 7th and it’s 38 degrees, windy, but sunny.  It’s just been a weird ending to winter for us.  Keeps snowing, about every other day we get snow.  None of it is “sticking” or building up; generally it’s gone in a few hours of sunshine.  But it’s annoying as fuck.

I am anxious for warmer days, sunshine and gardening!  I have even mapped out my property in planning out my gardens for 2018.  I do love my gardens, and being outside working in them.  Even weeding has a sort of zen feeling to it for me.  And I’ve been watching some DIY videos about prepping the vegetable garden soil for better growth and production.  I haven’t added compost to that garden since I built it the first spring I was in this house.  So, compost is being mixed in this season, so things should grow good.  And I am planning a long garden down the side of the trailer, coming out about 6′ or so, I bought a bunch of wildflower seeds and am going to prepare that area and over-seed it with a mix of four types of seeds: hummingbird attractor, flowering perennials, flowering annuals, and a butterfly mixture.  This next coming weekend it’s supposed to be warmer, so I am planning to do some outdoor work; raking, trimming and laying some stones I have procured from the nearby quarry.

April 10, 2018.

My girlfriend and I are doing really great, despite the distance.  My heart is really happy about this.  It’s strange to take such a big chance on love again at 56…I seriously thought that this part of my life was pretty much finished.  I never expected to meet Bones.  She’s changed my whole outlook on some things, and I was obviously very ready to make the changes.  I don’t exactly know where we are taking things, it’s complicated in a few ways.  She has a life in Texas, a business and a child.  Right now we are just trying to stay connected daily, enjoying the moments, and not making any future plans.  Living and taking things day-by-day, as they come.  She’s coming back in May to spend some more time with me.  And she’s bringing her daughter to meet me.  I am really looking forward to this next visit!

I’ve really gone out on a limb with this woman.  I’m pleasantly surprised at how well things are going and how deeply she’s affected me.  I’m allowing her past many walls and letting her through the barriers to my heart.  It’s been scary, but worth every wince. She just looks at me and I melt into a puddle inside…the feeling is outrageously delicious.  I long for her touch when we are apart; and I know she’s feeling it too.  That’s the best part.  I feel for people who settle for anything less than this feeling, it’s the best feeling in the world to connect with another person on this level of depth, emotionally, physically and sexually, it’s just phenomenal.

I have opened a new website for anyone interested in Butch-femme connections and conversation.  It’s just getting off the ground.  It’s a membership only site where you join up and create a profile.  I am going to link it here in this post.  Anyone who would like to contribute, participate or even just lurk around until they feel more comfortable, is welcome to join.  The site has been created for women who prescribe to the Butch-femme dynamic mostly, but there are forums for other things as well such as LGBT news and articles.  The site is called Butch-Femme-Perspectives.  Please join me!  I feel that with some effort on all of our parts we can make the site pretty damned cool!  We’ll add and subtract from it as necessary, creating our own unique safe place on the web.

Alrighty, let me wrap this up.  The day is burning away, I need to get some things done outside and am lingering inside just waiting for it to warm up a tad.  Hell..I could be waiting til Thursday at this rate!  Haha…

What does your week hold in store for you?  Any great things happening?  What are you looking forward to?

Peace.    ~MB

 

 

 

Butch Desire

Butch desire is to fem hunger what peanut butter is to jelly; what ying is to yang.

I recently read a really GREAT blog about “hunger”; specifically fem hunger. You can read it here, which is my previous cross post about this blog, and will connect you with this wonderful blogger. The writer is a fantastic femme, who writes with elegance and ease about this topic and many others concerning Butch-fem relationships and dynamics. As with anyone, I don’t always agree with her, but I have found that she quite often stimulates me to write more!  I truly value her opinions and perspectives.

This article she wrote about fem hunger has made me think much about what it is that I, as a Butch who desires that fem hunger, feel and how I respond to that hunger.

Butch desire is the deep, almost primal, need a Butch feels when acknowledged by a femme. It’s the riveting eye contact that conveys the message that they want more; they want to take it all. Butch desire runs deep in the body, and is activated like an electrical current, making the heart race and the breath come in heavy sighs. It’s that desire to be wanted and needed exactly as I am – Butch and proud – not to be told to “tone it down” or hide in any way.

It’s the unending need to fix everything; to make everything good and right for her femme; to treat the femme like the queen of her world, as it should be. Then it’s the aching need to take what is hers; to conquer and devour every savory morsel of femininity exuded by her fem lover, and to do it with force and precision.

“I want you as a woman, not as a man; but I want you in the way you need to be, which may not be traditionally female, but which is the area you express as Butch…….I make it right to want me that hard. Butches have not been allowed to feel their own desire because that part of being Butch can be perceived by the straight world as male. I feel I get back my femaleness and give a different definition of femaleness to a Butch as a femme.”
Amber Hollibaugh, “What We’re Rollin’ Around In Bed With” My Dangerous Desires

Butch desire is the raging need that fills my mind with visions of her, spread before me quivering and waiting for my touch, sometimes gentle and sometimes rough and demanding. It’s the ache in my entire body that is only stopped by her moans, that deep connection we make in becoming whole together, mind, body and soul. It’s her unbridled hunger for being taken and my overwhelming desire to claim her as my own. Butch desire is all of those things, plus much more. From the way it makes me lick my lips in anticipation, to the guttural noises I make as I find my release with her body quaking under mine.

That hardness; the rigidity of our closely guarded emotions, that we keep locked up safe behind our walls of protection, is also our vulnerability. When a femme sees momentarily behind the wall that we build, it’s an intimate and very exposed feeling for a Butch. We do not show our vulnerabilities readily, nor often. Some say we are damaged goods; that our lack of visible emotion and response is from some trauma – or from our “wanting” to be male – nothing could be further from the truth for a truly authentic Butch.  Femmes have a way of seeing through our thinner walls, and of reaching past those super-tender spots without threatening or damaging us.  This serves to heighten our desire; to fan the flames of heat and passion.

Never have I desired to be “male” – although standing to pee is very appealing – it never came to me to transition to the male gender. Femmes get this. They don’t push us to change, but accept us for who we are and how we represent ourselves in the world.  We are women who push the gender boundary and skew the binary; who look, feel and think a bit differently perhaps. There’s a thin line; a boundary of distinction, invisible to most and yet something that we are very keenly aware of as we move about our world.

Being a dominant Butch it’s often assumed that I take on a “male” role in any relationship.  While this has some truth to it, it’s not really that cut and dried; every Butch owns her own butchness – and what that is and how it plays in her life, daily.  Being Butch doesn’t stop when no one’s looking, it’s an authentic way of being in the universe. And it’s that combination of being female, yet very masculine that feels every so right to a Butch – and to her fem partner.  It’s what gives me life and joy in being.

When I am with people from outside of the gay community I am more keenly aware of my differences with them.  Whereas when I am with my counterparts I am much more relaxed and less guarded overall.  The more “mainstream” lesbian community generally frowns on the Butch-fem dynamic, lifestyle and those who partake in it’s beauty.  Sad for them in my opinion.  Lesbians seem to have a real tendency to be judgmental of other lesbians – at least that has been my own observation.  I see more lesbian on lesbian bashing than I care to see.

Personally, I don’t give much weight to their opinions, rude remarks, comments, or slurs of others – lesbian, straight, or whatever.  That’s their business; their own frame of thinking, generally constructed from within their own culture, community and situation in life.  People get hung up on what they do not understand; it frightens them, so they try to minimalize it however they can.  I find this to be a real form of “internalized” homophobia.  Preach about equality, but disrespect those who do the same things you do – just tweaked a bit.  That does NOT make much sense.  And perhaps me even saying this here doesn’t either, it’s MY own internalized phobia of occasionally worrying about what others may think.   And there I will leave it.

~MB

Sex. Women. Relationships

Sex.  It’s so simple, yet so fucking complicated.  I’m going to admit something very personal here…I haven’t had sex in 2 ½ years…since just after my chest surgery, with “DG” a woman who I cared a lot for from up in Maine. Yes. Truth.  Some of you may recall my musings about her a few years back.  I fell for her, but she was far too busy and had too much going on in her life to include any time with me.  Thus, we went our separate ways.

Why? You ask.  Well, there are several reasons.  Most of which are just excuses.

I honestly would rather be alone than to have a meaningless sexual encounter with anyone.  Being alone isn’t bad; I treat myself good and I can take care of my own needs if necessary.

I’m rather picky.  I know what I like, and I don’t tend to vary from those likes very much.  I enjoy very femme women, and those with smarts, sass, and good attitudes.  I like a woman who will make time for me and not make me beg for it.  And I give the same in return.

Over these last few years, I have met a couple of very nice women.  I’ve chatted with them; talked for hours and made some semi-connections.  But, until recently, I hadn’t met anyone who I wanted to give my time and attention to solely.

My life can be a bit complicated in some ways.  The living with HIV doesn’t make it easy – or comfortable – to meet women. I’m always conscious that at some point I must tell any prospective lover that I have HIV.  I’m very careful, and I’m undetectable which makes me pretty much unable to give the virus to anyone sexually – even without protection.  But, still, it’s an uncomfortable complication for me.  I would never be able to live with myself if I infected another person.

Then there is my being in recovery…another piece of stupid baggage I haul around and have to explain and hope for understanding.

I watched a Ted Talk tonight about sexless marriages.  I had that experience in my 14 yr LTR.  In the beginning, it was great, we had a LOT of great sex, but over the years things waned and it became like a blue moon – occurring seldom.  I got really frustrated with that and stepped out of that relationship, eventually ending it.  Sex IS an important part of any intimate relationship.  I’ve always said that when the sex is good, the relationship is great.  But when the sex isn’t there, the relationship is on the skids.  It’s a very good barometer of how healthy the overall relationship actually is.  I stand by that philosophy.

It also seems that the women that I get myself involved with are also a bit complicated.  I’m definitely seeing a pattern in that aspect.   DG had her husband, kids, high powered job and brutal travel schedule…of course she had no time for me.  Spanish chick was just too weird.  I can’t even explain that one; just too young, too inexperienced and too flighty. And Kat, well let’s just say she changed teams, and I wasn’t down with that – too bad cuz we lost a good 9-year friendship in the process.

Now I’ve been becoming involved with a woman who I am absolutely insanely crazy about.  She’s awesome, but has her own complications – but nothing that I am not willing to work around, believe me.

I just turned 56.  I’m getting too old to be chasing after women.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  What I really want right now is to continue to develop a good relationship with  – let’s call her “Bones” – she’s weaseled her way deep into my heart and now I don’t want to let go.  I’m not positive that I am doing the right thing, but I am positive that I want to be doing it.  Bones has a way of just being herself and being awesome.  I know I could fall in love with her, but that would just make things even messier for both of us I think.  But how do I keep myself from letting that happen?  I have no clue.  And it may be too late.

I never intended for this to happen.  I didn’t go “looking” for anything.  Things just fell into place and we fell into each other’s lives and it’s been really a great experience.  I’m glad it happened.

So, tonight I am laying here contemplating all that is going on in my life.  Everything is going really well, and I am happy.  I just don’t want to fuck this up.  Or hurt anyone in the process.

She’ll be here to visit with me in 17 days…and I’m counting down the minutes.

That’s another thing about her that is so different…she is making this huge effort to come and spend time with me.  That’s something that means a lot to me.  If she hadn’t been able to come here I am sure I would be going there.  We want to see each other; to spend time together and to see where this goes together.  It means the world to me that she’s going to be here with me for a few days.  I am excited about it, although a bit anxious too. But that’s normal I think.

So, there’s a personal peek into my life for ya.

Peace.  ~MB