Fleeting Thoughts…that hang around…

I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately; deep thinking, light thinking, silly stuff, and just plain random shit runs through my mind in a constant flow of factoids and ponderings.  Most of it has been the result of changing anti-depressant medication.  Whoa…I didn’t know it would be this rough!  My dreams have been off-the-charts wild as fuck.

Every day is not rainbows, I know. Some days just suck, but we struggle through them toward that time when we lay our heads down at night, close our eyes and hope tomorrow is even a tiny bit better.  We use the resources available to us and we figure it out somehow.  That’s being human.  That’s just part of being alive and living life.

I can be a little complex at times.  I have walked a few different trails in my life and of course, I am the sum of those experiences.  What happens to us sometimes defines us in very specific ways.  I have been thinking about that a lot the last couple of weeks.  Who I am and why I am, crazy shit like that.

My girl is long distance, which has its own set of fucked up challenges.  I miss her all the time, but this is how it works for us.  It’s not perfect, but I love her and don’t want to stop.  She’ll be here for 4 days in a month, I’m so in need of her visit!  Being with her just makes me feel so much better; relaxed and happy.  It’s very hard not being able to be there for her when she might need me.  I can only do so much over the phone, Skype and text…which frustrates the fuck outta me at times.

She works so hard and is managing her daughter with special needs getting to and from school, daycare, feedings, etc…it’s all a LOT for her.  She has some help there, I know, but I still wish like hell I could be there.  I naturally worry about HER health and well-being during all that goes on in her days.  I encourage her to eat and take care of herself, but the stress on her is pretty formidable right now and I feel the tension in her voice.

There are moments when I wonder if managing a relationship with me doesn’t just make things that much harder for her. But I know that we love each other and I couldn’t – or won’t – stop now.  I’ve committed myself to her and will just continue to try to bring good things to her life; make memorable contributions as I can.

Sure, I have my insecurities and I tend to over-think sometimes.  She is very into the “in the moment” mind space. Sometimes that throws me a bit.  I like to think forward a little.  And being a writer and a lover of words, I sometimes either read or interpret their meanings incorrectly.  It has caused me a bit of angst on more than one occasion, and we’ve dealt with it.

Sometimes I’m afraid of loving her so much.  Sometimes I feel a little in the way.  I love her so deeply and really try to keep things calm and focused for her.  The less drama on my end the better, so I stay very chill and think things through.

I’m starting to ramble; my head is so full of stuff lately, and the med changes aren’t helping me much.  Today I was on the verge of tears for a couple of hours after having a negative experience at the pharmacy and with my prescriptions.  It aggravated me so much I drove angrily home with tears in the corners of my eyes.  I hate feeling that way.  Maybe it IS easier just not to feel at all.

 

 

 

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And the week starts…

I have a couple of things to talk about here today.  It’s Monday, August 27, 2018 and with just 4 more days of August ahead of us I am beginning to look toward September; the arrival of cooler temperatures to Maine, fall festivals and agricultural fairs, the leaves beginning to turn colors and yes, the annual return to wearing flannel shirts and work boots.  Fall or Autumn is my most favorite time of year.

I noticed yesterday that the lawns and tree leaves were now reflecting that “mature” darker green in their preparation to begin the colorful yearly die-off; getting naked for winter.  It’s around this time of year that I get mums for the fall, to display on my front steps and in the garden.  It’s really the only true annual flowering plant that I do invest in every year.  They’re hardy, kind of impervious to the vast temperature flux of our September and October days, and they last a good long time.  I like the bright yellow, orange, lavender and brick read colors too, they’re different from the brilliant summer blooms of other plants.  So, this weekend I will hit Lowe’s and get probably 12 of them and create my fall display outside.  Oh!  And I have homegrown pumpkins from my garden!  It’s been a banner garden year.

Sen. John McCain’s death

America lost a truly great politician a couple of days ago.  We knew it was coming, and with his refusal of all treatment the day before we understood the time was near.  The next news was his passing at 4:28 pm with his family and close friends at his bedside.  It was a sad point when the newscaster came across with “Breaking News” of his death.  I stopped for a minute, remembered how cantankerous and incorrigible McCain could be, but then also remembered how brave and courageous he was too.  I didn’t always agree with his politics, but I always agreed with his patriotism and with that love of country that the man had in him.  I always respected him from a military point; he was a pilot with the US Navy and was shot down and became a POW.  During his detention he suffered brutally at the hands of the Vietnamese, often beaten and tortured horribly on a daily basis.  THAT is some bad ass shit to live through, and yet he did and spoke of it often.  It was no secret that he had witnessed or experienced directly some pretty fucked up stuff. And yet, his love of country got him through it and gave us a well-rounded man of honor that served his country for 60 years altogether.  Yeah, John, you did good.  Now rest. We got it from here.

I won’t forget how he was staunchly against Trump’s rhetoric and evil policy bullshit.  I won’t forget the photos of him returning, a mess, from Vietnam.  I won’t forget that he is the father of Megan McCain, a lesbian woman, and yet he did not support same-sex marriage or civil unions, yet he was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans, who supported both.  I often wonder how Megan feels about her father’s lack of supportive position?  McCain was a Liberlist Conservative.  Voting conservatively about 60% of the time and more liberal leaning about 40% of the time.  He often voted with Obama, which was a good thing. Now Obama and Bush 43 will be giving the eulogies at his funeral.  Appropriate.

I am imagining it will be a HUGE television event, watched by millions here and around the world.  THAT will just serve to piss on #45 and could instigate him to do something stupid or bombastic just to re-focus attention on himself.  #45 is an egotistical fuck and cannot stand to be upstaged.  I can hear his stupid ass saying “…fucking McCain! What kind of man is he?  Dying in the middle of MY precious news coverage extravaganza?”  yup, he’s crying in his koolaid about now.

I only wish that we had MORE men in our political system, specifically the Senate and House, that had the balls and fortitude of John McCain.  #45 wouldn’t stand a chance.  He’s afraid of REAL men and women; those who talk back, question him, tell him he’s wrong and call him out on his crimes.  It’s pathetic and makes me sick that almost ALL of the current office holders in our government don’t have the guts to stand up to #45.

I am now calling him “#45” instead of his given name.  He’s just a number.  He’s a bad number, playing a horrible game with the USA and the rest of the world.  After he’s gone we will right things once again and his memory will fade, he’s just a number now and will be just another stupid number in the future.  He was put into our highest political office fraudulently; through the use of criminal activity, Russian influence, voting interference and black money.  He will NEVER be remembered for anything “good” but only as the worst thing we ever allowed to happen to America.  And yes, we allowed him to take office.  MOST voting eligible citizens of our country did NOT even vote in the last presidential election in 2016.

My Weed Plant

…is growing like a WEED!  Bwhahaha!  I laugh!  Yes, it’s kind of amazing, the plant has broken the 6′ height mark and is thriving.  I am going to build a hot house around it this weekend.  Two reasons: security and maximum growth.  Hilda is in the stage of white hairs appearing, the hint of buds coming, and just getting fatter by the day.   I’ve learned a LOT from this experience of growing marijuana plants.  I’m very interested now in furthering that experience by starting a hydroponic grow in my back room / zen room. Once I procure the necessary eqipment and set it up properly I’m going to give indoor growing a shot.  I have not yet decided what I am going to DO with all this weed, whether I leave it as flower or make it into edibles and dabs.  We shall see; the research is not complete.

Missing my girl

It’s been about a week and a half since my girl left to return to her home in Texas.  Fuck.  I miss her wicked bad.  But, life must go on, and get back to some sembelance of “normal” for both of us.  She has her life, work and a business there, and I have my own set of responsibilities here.  Long distance relationships are difficult at very  best.  We both “get” this completely.  We’re not fooled by any of it.  Relegated to messenger, phone calls and the sporadic Skype-a-thon we’re making it work.  I even get to see her little girl when we Skype on the weekend mornings.

We have photos and shared Google albums, but there isn’t anything that compares to real time spent together.  I look forward to her next in-person visit, hopefully in mid-October.  And in January, when I can travel once again, perhaps I’ll venture to Texas at some point while it’s cold and snowy here in Maine.  All I know is that I can’t spend enough time with this woman and with that in mind I’ll do whatever I am able to do to see her whenever possible.   When we are together I want to keep her within three feet of me at all times!  RAWRRRR…damn.

Ok, I’m off to work on some photo books and other crafty stuff today.  Hope you are all doing well.

Answer this in the comments:  How do you manage distance in a relationship?  If you live with your lover, how do you manage space and alone time?

Peace  ~  MB

Closet or Not?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic, I watched a video on YouTube about whether it’s okay or not to stay “in the closet” about your sexuality if you are LGBT forever or not.  This gave me a lot to think about because I am currently talking to someone who IS living in the closet, and I am not.

Personally I  could never live my life permanently in the closet.  I can’t imagine what that would be like.  I can’t imagine being afraid that someone would “find me out” and what it would mean if they did.  I have lived most of my life out and proud.  It’s just the way it happened for me.  I came out to my family when I was getting out of the Army, around 22 yrs old, and I have never looked back and thought I shouldn’t have done it.  It’s made my life so much more enriched and so much easier as I have never had to hide anything about my true identity.

Coming out is a very personal thing.  I’ve never been a big believer in a particularly “loud” coming out.  I think they way that I did it, by coming out to people on an “as needed” basis was right for me.  I know some people really want to make a big deal out of it, but I am a more private person and never felt it was a big deal at all.  It is just who I am.  In my way of thinking my sexuality is no one’s business but my own.  If the need to tell someone that I am a gay woman comes up, it’s because they are either questioning me about it or they are wanting to “fix me up” with their male friend.  Never have I found it necessary to just come out to anyone without reason.  My family had reason because I am close to them and they see who I spend all of my time with and when I am most happy in the company of another woman.  They needed to know.

So, I am becoming very attached to this woman, Beach Babe, that I’ve been talking to and I have been thinking about what it would be like to be dating someone who is “in the closet.”  She lives quite a ways from me, so it’s not like we have had to deal with this yet.  But when we are together what will it be like for me? For her?  Will she be afraid that she will be seen with me and be found out?  How has she handled this in the past?  Has she ever been with someone who is so blatantly out like I am?  Who lives their lives as an openly lesbian woman?  Who is so Butch that they cannot hide and whoever they are with will be deemed to be gay as well?  These are all questions I have about this.  I haven’t seriously gotten into any sort of a deep conversation with her about it.

I understand that she has lived closeted all of her life because of religious views of her and her family, and now because she fears losing her job.  She has a job working with teenagers, and fears that if their parents knew or the boss knew that she is lesbian that it would cause problems and maybe cause her to lose her job.  I couldn’t even imagine what that must feel like; what it would be like to have to hide part of myself like that.

She seems to think it’s not a big deal.  But we haven’t been with each other in public so I don’t know exactly how far in the closet she is.  I guess I will find out when we meet in May.  I will NOT like hiding myself.  I will NOT do it.  There is no way I can “act” or “look” straight, like she does.  I don’t know if she has ever dated a Butch like me; a Butch who looks the whole stereotypical part.  Does she understand that to be seen with me is to be “seen”?

Can I date someone who is still in the closet at 46?  I am not 100% sure.  But I really like this woman and do want to find out.  The other piece of this is the distance thing.  Guess she and I have some conversations to have…