Rainy Wednesday…

It’s a rainy Wednesday, hump day, and I’m bored.  This morning I spent 2 hours in the chair at the dentist’s office having the rest of my upper teeth repaired.  I’m pleased with the work, I think they look fucking great.  It’s such a nice thing to look in the mirror and not see any blemishes on my teeth!  They’re all pearly white, well as white as they’re gonna be for someone who consumes lots of coffee and smokes.  I do whiten them periodically, and after my deep cleaning/scaling is done I will have them professionally whitened to finish everything off.   I’m super happy that I decided to tackle this task now, before summer, and get it all done right.

If I could go back in time and talk to my 18 yr old self I would stress two things about physical care – take care of your damned teeth, brush a lot and floss and see the dentist regularly.  Secondly I would tell myself to take care of my feet.  Feet take a beating, and mine have been through a lot – to include ill fitting combat boots in the early 1980’s, when you didn’t get to wear running shoes to do PT in the Army, you wore your combat boots and your uniform, except for your outer top shirt.  You ran like you would if you were in a combat situation, not like you were on vacation and running for pleasure!

I laugh when I see soldiers doing PT now in their fancy workout clothes, matching shorts and T-shirts, and running shoes/sneakers.  Like the enemy isn’t going to stop and wait for your ass to get changed!   I believe in training in the same type of gear that you would be wearing in a real life situation.  I’m sure that they changed it, a while after I was enlisted, because of all of the foot problems caused by running long distance day after day in those old style Army-issued combat boots.  The boots were STIFF leather, mass produced for efficiency – not geared for comfort at all.  They had no interior support or comfort what-so-ever.  The boots were made for one thing, for a soldier to wear on his/her feet.  We would put them on and wear them into the shower and do squats to break the leather in a little bit.  Everyone got blisters and sores from them.  I ended up with bone spurs / calcium deposits on the TOPS of both of my feet from them.  The condition has never really hindered me or given me any kind of problem, other than it’s tough to pull on cowboy style boots over them.  But it looks a little weird.    After basic training was over I bought a pair of jump boots.  They were after-market black boots that we were allowed to wear if we chose to buy them ourselves.   Man, I LOVED those fucking boots.  I had them the entire time I was in, and when I was with the training unit in Virginia at the end of my tour I had put metal “taps” on them so that the trainees could hear me coming down the hall.  I thought it was only fair to warn them a little!  lol.  When I finished my tour, and I knew I wasn’t going to continue with the Army, I passed those boots on to a young female soldier who had really admired them, and who they would fit.  She was very proud to have those awesome boots.  It makes me smile even today to fondly remember the boots, the times I had wearing them, and the passing on of them….cool memories.

So I have about had it with this longer hair crap.  I’ve been keeping it like thisPicture 132016-11-22 07.01.43But really want to go back to my shorter cut for the summer, like this.  Ok, so arranging those two photos was a bitch, hope they look ok.  I just took the one with longer hair a few minutes ago.  The dog scratched me in the lip and chin, so my face is a bit of a mess today, but you get the idea.  What do you think folks?  Longer or shorter for the summer?

I miss my barber, Johnny.  He was cutting my hair for a few years, but he got himself back into some trouble, and disappeared from the barber shop.  I tried going to the other barbers there, but none were as cool or accepting of me as Johnny was.  We would sit and talk about women, sports, fishing and that sort of stuff.  He was well aware of my sexuality and that I am Butch.  He knew how I liked my hair cut, edged in and shaved up.  I miss that.  I’ve been just going to Supercuts, I figure they really can’t mess it up too badly at this length, if they do I’ll just go have it shaved up at he barbershop and start over.  I don’t mind it a little long on top, just not as long as it is right now.  Anyway, this Saturday I am going to get it cut, and I’m waffling between going to the barber shop or going to Supercuts.  Barbershop is $14., Supercuts is $24.  which makes NO sense to me.

I love it when I see the “men’s” cut at $10 less than the “women’s” cut….like your genitals determine what they are going to charge you?  I think it should be based on hair length.  Longer hair, more money – because it obviously takes more time and labor.  Short hair less, and crew cuts should be no more than $12. in my opinion.  I always tip too, at least $3.  I figure that’s good for the 20 minutes it takes to cut my hair.  I never have them wash or dry it, I take a shower and wash my hair before I go so that I show up with a nice clean head for them to work on.  Generally when I have my hair cut I also get my eyebrows waxed.  Sometimes not at the same establishment.  Supercuts is always good for getting that done, so that adds $10 to the price of my spiff up.  I think that it would be cool to have a barbershop that offered waxing and manicures.  The one that I used to frequent, Boston Barbers, had a pool table and a tattoo studio…I used to talk with Johnny about opening up a more upscale barbershop for us more masculine people of the world, where we could be comfortable getting things like waxings done, and manicures.  I won’t go to those foo foo places to get a manicure, but I’d really like to have one.  Currently I do my own manicuring every few days here at home.

Guess this blog has turned into a “grooming” blog for today.  My mind just wanders and this is where I ended up today.  Personal grooming is important.  It’s important to always look your best, so that you also feel your best.  I know that for me if I am looking good, then I am feeling good.  When I’m down I don’t give a shit how I look.  I try to not get to that point.  I’ve been on a roll lately with getting my teeth spruced up.  Now on to the haircut and maybe a couple new pairs of jeans and some new shirts this weekend!  I could use a clothes shopping trip for sure.  I’ll be one sharp looking Butch…maybe I’ll attract me a new femme….hey, it could happen!!!

We are approaching the 100 day mark for Old Orange Ass in the White House.  The last two weeks have been completely chaotic across the board.  He’s scrambling to make SOMETHING happen before Saturday.  He’s trying to beat the clock now, and I’m just afraid that he will do something irreparable like start World War III with Noth Korea, China and Russia.  He’s signing executive orders one after another, dismantling everything good that he can possibly destroy.  He’s gone hard after the environment and ANY protections for it.  From allowing coal companies to dump waste directly into rivers, to allowing endangered species to now be hunted.  He’s put a bill forward to close the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) completely.  The guy doesn’t BELIEVE in science or scientific proof / data.  That is very sad for the hard working scientists, like my niece, who are working to find disease cures, sustainable methods of fishing, air and water protections, etc.  Orange Ass would rather have our country as polluted as China is, with no regulations, where you can just dump raw waste off into the environment.  I say we start by dumping it right in Mar a Lago, on his golf course!  I am still so fucking angry that this asshole is our POTUS.  And I am very disappointed in my government for continuing to allow him to remain in office, despite his flagrant self-promotion and range of illegal activities.

Our country is very divided.  There are those who think that Orange Ass has done a good job thus far.  Then there are the rest of us.  He has done nothing.  All he has done is sign the multitude of executive orders.  He is trying like hell to run the USA like a dictatorship.  He doesn’t want the courts even to tell him when something he does or wants to do, is wrong.  He thinks that the judges work for him!  It’s fucking astonishing how stupid the man is, and how stupid those guiding him are too.

I make damned sure that I read up every day on what he and his cronies are doing in DC.  I watch the news every night and try to keep up.  Right now he’s busy telling everyone the 100 day thing doesn’t matter, that he’s done “great” things for America already.  he says he is “bigger than 9/11″….omfg…yes, he said that.  He “congratulated” a soldier for losing his leg in Afghanistan, yes, congratulated him…not said thank you for your sacrifice or anything like that, but “congratulations” for earning a Purple Heart.  Sick Fuck.  He is just totally clueless.  He wants to cut corporate taxes by 20%….which will please all of his rich buddies, and his own companies, but do nothing for the other 99% of America.  And he’s using all of this stuff to try to distract us from the fact that her is STILL BEING INVESTIGATED FOR COLLUDING WITH THE RUSSIANS!

Rant over.  I sure can get myself wound up about this guy and his destruction machine.

Cooking myself some frozen French bread pizzas for dinner tonight.  My mouth is slightly sensitive, but I think I can eat them alright.  If not, Nola loves pizza so she and Lulu will have a little pizza snack!  You all have a great night!

Peace.  ~MB

 

 

 

Early Morning Rantings!

Once again I am awakened at 2am, just am not meant to sleep like a normal person should right now.  I wake up and I am just…up…no going back to sleep in the immediate future.

I had a really great conversation with a great woman that I have been talking to lately.  It wasn’t an easy chat at all, but it was good for both of us I believe.  I confided in her a good bit about my addiction history, and she didn’t go running away like a scared cat. Addiction is not an easy topic to navigate and I admire her for her inquisitiveness on the topic, as it is a big part of who I am and why I am.  I look forward to more conversations with her, about everything.  She is someone I very much want to keep in my life.  🙂

Today was a bit hectic, but seriously productive. I worked til 1pm and then got together with my best friend and went to do our Friday afternoon errands around town.  Every Friday we have a ritual of doing this.  It’s called living paycheck to paycheck.  We get paid, go out and pay our bills, do the shopping for our respective households and take care of whatever else needs doing in town.  It is a struggle sometimes, but I make it work somehow.  And I realize that there are millions of others who are making it work this way as well.  It’s not easy in today’s economy or job market to do it any other way – especially if you don’t have a college education to fall back on, which I don’t.  Sometimes it feels likeI am always trying to play catch up on things, but hey, that’s just how it is.  I do alright.

I visited Trader Joe’s grocery this afternoon, I love that place!  I actually requested an employment application when I was checking out, and the woman who checked me out told me it was a super great place to work.  Everyone in there seems pretty pleasant and happy to be there, so they must enjoy the job.  I love the diversity of people in the place, from old hippies, to housewives, to young dykes, it’s just a palate of different people. They must have a really good company equality policy.  I am going to research the company a bit just to be sure that I would be a good fit there.

I also visited Staples office supply store on my excursion about town.  I needed a ream of copy paper.  They had a really good deal on some excellent quality paper that I had to take advantage of!  That is another place I could picture myself working.  Although a bit more “stuffy” than Trader Joe’s eclectic atmosphere, it would be fun.  I was in the corporate business world for many years and used to frequent the place quite a bit for supplies for my company.  I imagine working with people who were doing the same thing would be right up my alley in skill sets. And being the techno nerd that I am, I can imagine I would probably reinvest in the company and that might not be a good idea!  I’d be buying stuff like crazy.

Meanwhile, in Trumpy-land the Twitterverse is running wild with Trumpy stuff.  This Russian connection thing is really getting out of hand, Jeff Sessions needs to resign and a full investigation needs to ensue.  It just has to happen to put this subject into some sort of understandable terms. I was Tweeting with a friend in Texas who is petrified right now.  Being our age and queer isn’t going to be an easy path under Trump as he keeps going along with ripping away our rights and equalities.  It’s also just plain scary as an American, not withstanding being a part of the LGBTQ community!   Everyone seems to feel the impending doom of being attacked in some way by all of the executive orders and wild things that Trump and his team are doing or proposing to do.  I know I’m fucking scared.

Living in Maine has some pretty unique advantages.  Where I live especially because geographically it’s a great spot.  Right between Boston Mass, and Portland Maine.  I can be at the beach in 5 minutes, in the White Mountains in less than an hour and to either of the two cities in about 45 minutes.  Geographically it’s fucking perfection.  Maine also has a good equality rating. I just read an article in the Bangor Daily News about Maine being at the top when it comes to gender equality.  We also have good protections for the LGBTQ citizens here too.  I am glad that I live in this type of state.  From personal experience I can say that there IS really good gender equality.  Maine women are a fierce and tough lot.  Especially those from “down” Maine, which is actually upstate Maine…it’s a Maine thing…those women are hardened by the lifestyle of living in a very rural state, where you have to be fairly tough to survive.  I live in the more populated area, it’s a bit easier to navigate life here, but my cousins are down Mainers’ and they are not to be messed with.  The women are equal to the men up there in so many ways, they do equal work and expect equal pay. And truth be known, I believe they run the whole fucking show!  I have a healthy respect for my down Maine women cousins. They take no prisoners.

I hope your weekend is a great one!  Signing off from southern Maine….Peace!  ~MB

 

Ahhh..March and Patreon

I’ve been trying to find better venues for publishing some of my blogging work.  Not really the day to day blogs, but more the topic blogs that I do, as well as the political opinion blogs.  I just jointed Patreon, which is a site to promote my work.  I am still in the early stages of working on the Patreon page, my MainelyButch.com web page and trying to tie the three – WordPress, Patreon and MB.com – together neatly.  I would like it to be fairly easy to navigate and would like to make it all work together.

I have been having a real struggle sleeping lately.   I’m thinking that it’s a combination of being stressed out over Trumpy things, a bit of late winter depression and fighting my addictions all kind of piled up on top of one another.  I finally got fed up with feeling so out of sorts and went to see my doctor yesterday.  I am going to see a clinician at Groups, an addiction recovery center here, and hope to get into their long term recovery program.  My intake appointment is on Wednesday, wish me luck.  I have been clean for some time, but I fight like a bitch to stay clean every damned day.  The more help I have with staying the course the better I think.  It’s a life-long fight and one I intend to win.

Trump almost looked vaguely presidential during his most recent address to Congress. I was amazed that he wrote – or at least someone wrote – a speech that didn’t have any bragging about his election win, no dissing the media, and no crying about his inauguration turn out.  He kept things on track and it was the best I have seen him do yet.  I am imagining that behind the scenes there it’s really chaotic when he has his little tiffs and meltdowns with the press.  I bet that someone close to him had to write that speech and then absolutely convince him to behave himself.  The one part that I didn’t like was him using the widow of the Navy Seal that was killed recently in a Trump ordered raid.  Trump didn’t heed the advice of his advisors for that raid, he ordered it and then it turned out badly while he wasn’t even in the situation room to monitor what was happening,  Pathetic that he would try to use this Seal’s widow to garner some sympathy and to try to get some praise for himself for “going after the bad guys”.  There needs to be an investigation into that raid just like there was in Benghazzi, because upper level mistakes were surely made that cost us dearly.

And now Sessions has recused himself from this investigation into the Russian connection to Trump’s campaign.  And he admits now that he LIED to Congress….ooooo….Republicans HATE when you LIE to Congress.  I’m sure that his own party is not looking favorably upon him being chosen as Attorney General now.  I believe there will be a special prosecutor brought in and a full investigation will ensue.  So far we have 3 people, all lying and all about the Russia/Trump tie up.  This isn’t good.  Almost like it’s 1973 again….hard to believe that this is real life in America right now….Are we having fun yet?  haha

Off to my regular job now. It’s a fine day in Maine, the sun just came up and the sky is very pretty.  I can hear all the birds singing – even with the windows closed!  Which reminds me the feeders need filling this morning as I do my chores before work.  Yes, it will be a sunny clear day here and hopefully will just get warmer by the day, as I am sick and tired of winter! I’m anxious to get back outside and rake and garden, do things that are good for the soul once again.

Take care dear readers.  Remember be kind.  Peace.  ~MB

 

 

Sunday Snipets

I am so fucking psyched for the Christmas holiday season this year!  Finally a year where I feel so damned good and things are really looking positive in my life.  I’ve got the world by the proverbial balls right now.  My family is great, the dogs are doing well, my house is in order and I have a new woman in my life. What more can a Butch ask for ?  Sure, I still have my share of hard stuff to deal with, bills and the such, but overall life is sailing along swimmingly!!!

I ordered Ivan Coyote’s new book, A Tomboy Survival Guide, and the Barnes and Noble bookstore emailed and said it’s ready for pick up!  I cannot wait to get it and begin reading the latest works of Ivan. I have all of Ivan’s other books, as a matter of fact I just loaned one to my best friend here.  I’ll have to ask her if she’s reading it yet.

I am looking for more good lesbian books to read and review here and on my YouTube channel.  If you have a recommendation or if you are a writer and want me to read and review your book, please contact me at mainelybutch@yahoo.com  Direct email is the best way to reach me.  I tried to email someone who wanted me to read and review a book and I evidently have the wrong email because when I sent it to the email she indicated in her comment it bounced back as undeliverable.  I WISH that WordPress would add an email account to our pages, that way a reader would not even have to leave the page to email a writer directly.  I do know if I would upgrade to a full website for my blog, which is hosted by WordPress too, that I would have that in the webpage package….so perhaps I will soon do that.  I need to register my web name and invest a few dollars into it I guess.  Perhaps I will seriously consider doing this, it only makes sense.

On the note of doing reviews, I am particularly fond of books about the Butch-femme dichotomy and lifestyle.  Since I am Butch and I tend to date femmes this only makes sense.  But I am also interested in books dealing with sexual identity, Butch and Trans issues and stories.  I blur the gender lines so much that I am often asked if I identify as Trans.  I do identify as Trans-masculine, but not as Trans-gender.  I’ve struggled with my identity for most of my life, and there was a time when I may have questioned my gender, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I am fine being female bodied, as long as I can do it in a masculine way!  I’m definitely the definition of Butch, by stereotype, and that just fits me perfectly.

As far as me writing a book, as I have been told I need to do by so many people, that’s a thought that is definitely in my head. I would love to write a book of short stories of my life experiences and adventures.  I just need to get lined up with a good editor who can push me in the right direction.  I have the stories, some even already on paper or in the computer, but I don’t know how to write a book, or how to put one together for publication.  All things that a good editor would know and would be able to guide me to do.  I suppose I should start looking around and querying as to who I should contact and with which publishing company I should be trying to work with to do a book.  Hmm….2017 is going to be a very big year I think!

Alrighty then, I am off to work on another blog.  What have you read that you think I would like to read?  I’m seriously looking for suggestions!!!  Peace!  ~MB

 

 

 

The Truth Hurts Sometimes

I’ve met more than one woman in my life journey that could not handle all of the technicalities of being with me.  I admit, I am not easy to process.  I have a bit of a troubled history.  Don’t read me wrong, I’m a good person with some high morals and ethics, but I’ve taken some forks in the proverbial road of life that others have managed to avoid.  I’ve had issues with drugs and addiction.  That’s probably the one thing that I’ve struggled with most in my entire life.  When I was young I sought out a safety net for myself and found it substance abuse and the people involved with it.  I wised up in my late 20’s and got clean and sober for many years.  I did the typical “mid-life crisis” shit in my mid 40’s and backslid a bit.

I strive to keep that stuff out of my life now.  I stay away from the “friends” that I have that are involved in that world now.  That’s a big part of how I am staying clean and following the good road now.  I tend to let myself be influenced by them if I hang around them, so now I avoid them and I avoid the whole drug scene.

It’s really hard to meet women as you get older.  Being single isn’t easy in your 50’s, believe me.  But add a history of drug addiction to the menu and it becomes even more difficult.  I completely understand that some people do not understand me or understand addictions.  That is just the way that it is.  When I begin to show interest in anyone I make sure that they know 3 things about me right up front – why?  Because I would rather they walk away sooner rather than after I become attached to them – or God forbid, fall in love with them.  what are my 3 things?  1.  I am Butch and that will never change.  2.  I live with HIV infection, which is under control but it’s a fact of life for me….which leads me to #3…I am a recovering drug addict.

Those 3 facts put me into a whole new space with people.  Either they are able to handle it, and give me a chance, or they are not, which is completely okay.  I get it.  Those are 3 major pieces of who I am.  I can’t hide them very well.   And I don’t want to pretend that I can.  Those 3 things are only a small fraction of what I am made of, but they are important if you are going to be involved with me – or even be a friend to me.  It’s important that you understand that I struggle with all 3 on a daily basis.  That doesn’t mean that I am unhappy – quite to the contrary, I am very happy in general.  But I am well aware that these 3 things make me “different” than the typical 55 year old lesbian with 2 dogs and a college degree.  I bring a whole different scene to the table.

I have lived with my addiction and my HIV for many years.  One lead to the other obviously.  Yes, I was an IV drug user and this is how I contracted the virus.  I’ve been clean for many years, fell off the wagon and got back on a few times.  So what is involved for me is knowing what triggers me to fall off and avoiding it altogether.  I’ve gotten pretty good at that, and I am proud to say that living clean and right is what I strive to do every day now.

It’s not easy being with someone who has addiction in their history, and it’s even harder when you add HIV.   I know the precautions to protect my partner from HIV but there is no protection from addiction.  No guarantee that I won’t relapse again, except for my sheer determination to stay on the straight path.  I don’t know how to reassure someone that I will stay on this path.  I guess they either have to believe me, or not.  There is no magic bullet or cure – for either condition.

I don’t want to pursue anything beyond a basic friendship with anyone who can’t deal with the baggage that I carry.  I know everyone has their struggle in life and their burdens to bear, mine are just a little more difficult for some people to understand, and that’s perfectly fine.  There are zillions of other people out there to be involved with, I am just one.

I have been fortunate to have been involved over the years, with women who gave me the benefit of doubt; who trusted me and tried to understand my complications.  I’ve sincerely appreciated them.  I’ve been lucky.

Right now I am trying to deal with quite a full plate of issues in my personal life.  I’ve avoided bringing anyone else into my life for this reason.  But I so want someone special in my life on a regular basis.  I would like to let down that wall that keeps me by myself.  I’ve punished myself for the past 2 yeas now and I’m sick and tired of it.  I’ve seen people who say they care disappear more than once.  I built a wall around myself, insulated myself from hurt and despair.  But it’s not a happy place all the time.  I want to learn to trust again, and to love again.

I’m a good person, I am strong, sensitive and caring.  I deserve to find someone good who can deal with life with me and who won’t be afraid of my past.  Someone who sees me for who I am now and not who I once pretended to be.  But how can anyone believe in someone who has such a history?  I don’t know if it can be done, which is exactly what I fear the most.  (although my ex did it for almost 14 years and never let it sway how she felt about me…so perhaps it could be possible again.)  I long for a good strong relationship that will endure.  Something beyond “just friends” –dammit, I want to be loved and understood.  Maybe it’s just too much to ask for at this point.

Ok, let me close this up before my mind explodes.  I am trying so hard to just be cheerful for the holiday season, and to keep on keeping on.  But tonight I was reminded of my flaws (see above) and it stung hard.  I am hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst – as always it seems.  Sometimes the truth just hurts.  There’s no way around it.

Peace.  ~MB

Speaking Out

I’ve  been relatively subdued on social media about the political debacle that is currently taking place here in America.  Today I kind of vented some of my frustrations on my Facebook page.  For those who are interested you can check out my page or read below.

“I haven’t said much since the election.  But I feel the palpable hate seething in this nation.  I watch the news and am watching carefully as DJT picks his team….Steve Bannon? Is he serious?  I can’t just watch some of these appointments without speaking out.  I don’t want to see civil rights go backwards 50 years – or more.

I am not out there protesting; I’m doing it from the comfort of my own home though.  I am not protesting the election result, I accept it.  But I am very concerned with where he takes us now that he has secured the office.  This is a man with no real time political experience.  He has the future of our country and our well being in his hands.  When he appoints a person such as Mr. Bannon to be his top advisor it concerns me greatly.

I condemn violence. I condemn racism, hate, misogyny, classic and all separation between people.  I condemn the destruction of property and violence in the name of democracy.  I do not condemn anyone’s act of protest as given by 1 st amendment rights.

Don’t tell us to get over it or to move on.  Tell us it’s going to be okay, because you and my fellow Americans will hold the new president to a truly American standard.

People are protesting because they and their families, friends, and loved ones very place at the American table has been threatened or undermined by DJT’s campaign rhetoric and promises.  

There has been a visible increase in hatred and violence against many minority groups just since the election November 8th.  I’ve personally heard the use of derogatory words by people who somehow now feel emboldened to say things that maybe they wouldn’t have said before. It makes me wonder what else they may fell is now okay to say or do.

I am a white woman.  I know I have some privilege because of this, this fact is not lost on me.  But I am also a Butch lesbian which throws me into a minority group that feels very threatened right now — the LGBT community.Maybe my fears of what DJT will do in office will be unfounded, but I have to wonder if it will be once again OK to bash gays?

We are about to enter a very different era and many things remain to be seen. I am hoping for and will fight for the best.  I stand ready to serve my communities and my country in whatever way possible to move us forward in a continued positive direction. I stand beside my brethren in our continued fight for equality for all people across this land.  I will respect the rights of those who oppose me to have their own opinion as well as their right to speak it.  Bit I will not to?stats words of hate, being called names or being bashed for what I believe to be right and true.  

I conclusion, I wish peace and love to prevail.  I hope we can ALL come together in collective understanding one day. I wish everyone true happiness, prosperity and success under our new president-elect.  And God bless America.”

I have unfriended a couple of real ignorant people who were being outwardly hostile after the election.  I’ve read some real doozies of comments bashing the protestors or gloating about Trump winning.  I held my tongue and didn’t immediately respond about the election.  Hell I was shell shocked and didn’t know what to say at first.  But I finally had to vent a little.  This post was the result.  I’m sure it would have been much longer and more detailed had it not been a Facebook post to begin with.  

So far the feedback has been positive.  But I am sure that there will be negative comments to come.  Everyone has the right to their own opinion as I said.  And I have a right to mine as well.  

I’ll be writing more about this as we see what happens I am sure.

Vulnerability…and a story

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

I feel often like I just don’t have the right words for various situations.  I can’t say anything right, as much as I put myself out there. I open myself up thus I am almost always in a vulnerable stance just trying to be brave and walk through.  In listening to Brene’s talks (various ones) on the subject of vulnerability and shame I realize that without vulnerability things just don’t happen; people lose their courage.  And being vulnerable is having that courage to keep going; to do what it is that we need to do or that we feel compelled to do.

There are times when I feel more vulnerable lately, that I can put my finger right on the feeling like:

  1. when I take medications to stay alive 3 times a day, the reminder that I am vulnerable to health related stuff is very prominent.
  2. I feel vulnerable when I am around my aging parents and I think that I may not have too much longer to enjoy them, then I question whether I am valuing them enough, even when I am damned sure trying my hardest to be the best I can be by them.
  3. When I am trying to talk to a woman I am interested in, my fear of rejection makes me very vulnerable, but I try to have the courage and just do it.

Story time….

I know I haven’t always been a walk in the park for them.  I gave them some serious trouble and a run for their money.  I was a tough kid, a confused kid and certainly caused my share of trouble.  I think the first time I got caught doing something wrong other than not putting my toys away right, was when I got caught with a porn magazine in my garage rafter fort.

This was probably the most memorable and earliest time I can think of that I felt shame and vulnerability in my young life.  I had built a platform high up in the rafters of the old tin garage we had.  The structure itself was pretty rickety from decades of being subjected to the harsh climate of southern coastal Maine.  It had been patched up, altered, added on to, subtracted from and abused in just about any way that was suitable for whatever it’s current use was supposed to be. At one time it served as a barn for a couple of old cows, I remember those being there, and a couple of pigs living in an adjacent shed that is now gone.  That was before we lived in the house, my cousins were renting it then and had farm animals.  When we bought the house the evidence of the farm animals residing there in the old tin shed was quite obvious.

We used the old shed for a bazillion things, everything from actually storing a car, which barely fit, and you couldn’t open the doors very far so ya had to be skinny as fuck to get in and drive it out of there.  It was my uncles’s old wood side panel station wagon, affectionately called the “Woodie”My Uncle, Dad’s half brother lived with us for a short time in the 70’s…it was short too, Dad booted his ass for continually coming home drunk.Dad was strict about that shit, he didn’t want any of his kids to be around alcohol in any way. I never saw the guy drink more than 2 beers on a Sunday while watching the ball game and I certainly never saw him drunk.

I think my Uncle was drunk most of the time, he was loads of fun!  I do remember that and he used to bring home some awesome things and once he brought home a used, beatu up but functional Honda 50 mini bike….for me!  And then he fixed it up and did a bunch of modifications to it and made it into a little mini-chopper! I had the only Honda 50 chopper tin town,  It was a bitch to drive in the woods and trails I do recall. I wish I could find a photo of that mini bike now.  I did love that thing, and it was my first introduction to feeling really masculine doing something. heres’ a picture of one, not mine but similar.Mini bikeSooo….where the fuck was I going with all of this?   Ah!  My rafter fort. And the porno book.  I only got caught with it because someone told on me!   She was a good girl and knew that I wasn’t supposed to have the explicitly detailed book that I had found on the side of the road up near the bar on the main road.  it must have fallen out of someone’s car or been thrown out.  Either way, it was just laying there saying “pick me up”  And I did.  She asked her mother if it was alright for me to have it, and of course her mother marched right up the road to see my mother immediately and the two of them confiscated the book.

I had a couple of old tires up in the rafter fort, I would hide things like cigarrettes and matches in an old snuff tin that I had gotten from my grandfather.  I would keep my pen and notbook up there so I could write when I wanted to, and I kept some of the books I was reading up there.  I would get out of school days and retreat to that little secluded fort and would be happy as hell reading, writing and trying to learn how to smoke cigarettes.

Now getting caught with it was very embarrassing.  Plus it resulted in foreclosure on my fort.  Down the fort came, and Dad wasted no time taking it down board by board.   I think the embarrassment was sufficient enough, I was pretty damned ashamed of myself for displeasing my father (who I have tried to please all of my life, but that’s another story).  The book was a novel type and didn’t have many pictures except in the middle of the book where they tipped in a set of erotic shots.  No big deal but not suitable reading for a 6th grader.

I then had to start at ground zero on the fort front and find a new location and set up.  The next fort would be further from the house…an ground level stone fort.  Yup, I was a fort builder from way back.  *smirk*

I felt vulnerable in the case with the book for several reasons.  First, I didn’t hide the book well enough, I wasn’t a good enough hider!  Secondly I trusted the wrong person to know that I had the book, I was a bad judge of character.  Third, shame, I shouldn’t have had the book to begin with and was ashamed of myself.  Forth I was vulnerable through embarrassment of everyone of my siblings knowing that I had been caught with a “grown up sex book” as it got called.  The word pornography was far too large for a kids vocabulary at that time.

Anyone curious of the name of the book?  Linda Lovelace- Deep Throat.  NOT 6th grade reading!  LMFSAO

Getting caught with the book was the very beginning of my teenage troubles….it all just kind of snowballed from there, and not in a very good kind of fluffy snowball way.  But every experience leads us to who we are today, so I suppose I had to go through stuff to get right where I am in life and through having each and every experience I have had I have grown and learned…never stop growing and learning, and never be afraid to be courageous!

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
Brené Brown,