Butch Stuff, General Blips

Numb

What a week.  I feel like I am numb from all the chaos in my life right now.  I don’t know how to act or react to anything.  I’ve had to boot a person out of my life, am struggling to find housing right now, and I feel just spent inside.  I don’t feel like I have much to offer anyone at this point in time, thus I have been staying to myself mostly.  I have been doing a little bit of writing, but mostly just to destress from the situations and nothing that I really want to publish here.  It was just a super rough week.

When someone gets all high and mighty, and indignant with me I tend to get really angry and lash back.  That’s the case with the ex-friend I now have, I just couldn’t take any more text lashings from her, and had to put a final end to it. For her good as well as my own, I had to tell her to go the fuck away.  She left me no choice, she didn’t wish to be anything more than “just friends” with me, and yet she knew that I felt much, much more.  I couldn’t see remaining friends with someone who says that I am not worthy.  Fuck that.  I don’t need new friends that bad, I have plenty of good friends already.

The house I am in is sold, the sale closes at the end of this month.  I have nowhere to go right now.  I’ve been searching for a new place for quite some time now, and the deals I had on two different places have fallen through for one reason or another.  It looks like I will be putting my stuff all into storage and perhaps staying with a family member until I can find something.  It just sucks.  I wish we had not sold this place that I have right now….it sold too fast, and I didn’t have a new place lined up before this one sold.  It would be a miracle if the sale on this place fell through too…that would actually be the perfect solution to this mess.

Oh well, it’s all part of the live and learn cycle I guess.  Like I said I just feel numb, I can’t quite figure out what to think or feel right now.  I’m sure reality will set in as I get all my stuff into storage and am forced to deal with it head on.  Right now I do alot of sitting and thinking, I’m bored out of my mind with the waiting game.

The foliage is in peak viewing stage right now. The leaves are just beautiful. Fall in New England is just a gorgeous time of year.  I didn’t go to any of the fall fairs this year, just wasn’t into it.  But the weather has been great, so I know the fairs were very successful I am sure.

I met another new woman, and would like to be talking to her more…but she’s convinced that I am not over the foreign chick and doesn’t want to get overly involved with me until I am over her.  I think I am just really inept at dating nowadays.  I get shy and am not sure what to say or do.  Yes, I was super into the foreign chick, but it’s over now, and I have mentally put it away. There is nothing else I could do, as she didn’t want the same things that I do, and I want to be with someone who does want those same things; the same kind of relationship.  I want there to be some serious passion and love in my life for a change.

I am super shy when it comes to liking someone.  It takes a lot for me to open up and trust someone.  It doesn’t just happen overnight.  And after what I just went though I feel even more guarded now.  I don’t care to do that again in this life. Sure, I wish it had turned out differently after all I put into it, but it didn’t and I can’t change that, so I just need to move on and live my life….I’m starting with finding a new damned house!  That has to be priority right now.  New house, new beginnings.

2015 is just going to be a year that I need to be over with, and that I need to not remember all the bullshit I have gone through this year.  It’s really been a tough one.

Peace!  ~MB

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