I got home from an 8 hour shift at work this afternoon to be greeted by 3 – THREE ! – fat envelopes in my mail from my attorney. Fuck.
One was the discovery from my last run in and lock up incident in Portland. The second…was about a hearing on a motion to terminate deferral and impose sentence because of my being arrested was in violation of my bail conditions, or conditions of release (VCR). Fuck.
I’m scared of course. I don’t like the idea of going to jail. I fully understand that I violated the conditions of my release from the charge from 2016, and by doing so I put myself in this position – where they can choose to impose my 1 year jail sentence and lock my ass up. I am not sure if they will actually try to send me up for the full year, or if they will want me to do a 7 day “hold” – of which I have already done 3 days – or what will happen. I have a terrific attorney, who is especially skilled in drug charge cases, and I am going to give her a call tomorrow and see what she thinks she can get them to agree to.
I’ve been going to Groups now – which qualifies as treatment as required by the conditions of release – since last March. Prior to that I did individual therapy and got myself clean, kicking the habit back in October 2016. I have been having regular urinalysis tests done every week, which prove that I am clean. So, I have to gather documentation of those things, plus a letter from my employer, as well as from a couple of other people like my HIV case worker and probably someone else who knows me personally that will write me a letter of support. I am hoping that by showing those things to the judge; showing him/her that I have been clean and sober and am doing what I am supposed to be doing that I can get a favorable decision to let me continue being out on bail conditions.
Then there’s the new charge. Fuck. I am so angry with myself for ever getting it; for ever even thinking that I could get high just once and it would be alright. Those thoughts and my acting on them are what put me in this very dangerous position now. I am really not sure what the punishment will be, seeing that this is a second offense 13 months after the 1st offense. I can only show them what I am doing, and hope that they will give me probation for this charge. Meaning that I will have to continue treatment (which I intend to do regardless of all of this) and that I will have to report to a probation officer on a regular basis.
None of this is fun. I regret my mistake very much. And I am aware of the “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time” aspect of this. Of course I do not want to go to jail, but I do know that there is a chance that that is what will happen. I most likely wouldn’t do a whole year, but I could do 9 months with good behavior. That would seriously suck. It would literally ruin my life at this point. I would lose everything I have worked so fucking hard to put into my life. I would probably lose my home, my job, my vehicle, the trust of my family, friends, and more. I would be separated from my dogs. THAT would really, really get to me bad.
I’m not sure what else I can do to show the courts that I am seriously better off not being jailed. That I am a productive and upstanding citizen who is contributing to my community. Locking me up would only serve to punish me, cost the taxpayers, and cause losses to the local economy and community. It would be senseless, but I KNOW it is the law and is a decided possibility. No matter how good I am, I broke the law – twice. And now I am in trouble and will have to pay for my fuck ups in some way that will satisfy the state.
I am currently free on $1000. bail. That may work in my favor. And I served 3 days; which also will work in my favor, so I can only hope the judge is in a mood to consider my position on the day of my court appearance. If not, I will be spending Thanksgiving and most likely Christmas, my birthday and 8 months of 2018 in jail. Fuck.
I feel a bit like a failure, but I am trying not to be overly hard on myself. I know that recovery is a process, and that relapses do happen sometimes. Nevertheless, I am very ashamed that I let myself get caught up in this again. I have learned a pretty valuable lesson, and I won’t ever touch anything illegal again. Nope, I’m too old for this bullshit and too old to be doing jail time with mostly kids half my age. Those 3 days I was literally the oldest person in the group that was in there with me. I don’t want my life to be like that; threatened by jail time and legal issues. It’s not what I signed up for, and I will do everything in my power to repair this fuck up and move on with a good, clean living kind of life.
My bestie and I haven’t been hanging out much since the “incident”….I think she’s kind of fallen off her wagon and she’s staying away because of it. That is really the only reason she wouldn’t come around more. We have talked a bit on the phone, but not as much as usual and there have been days that have gone by with no word from her for a few in a row — very unlike her. I can’t risk my own sobriety though. So if she is using again I don’t want to be part of it; see it or be near it, so she’s best to stay away.
Drugs can really fuck up life. I wish I had never started dabbling in them as a teenager. My brain wasn’t fully formed and I developed an addictive disorder. So for the rest of my life I’ll deal with it. I’ve been dealing with it for what feels like eternity already. At least I can recognize it and understand that I have a problem. And I know all the “right” things to do, I just have to stay completely on the defensive and very focused on staying clean. I can do it; it may not always be fun, but I can do it.
I’ve always been very honest in my blog. That’s why I am even writing about this hear. Plus, it’s what is going on in my life right now and since I’ve written a couple of blogs about it previously I felt I should let you, my readers, know how this situation is progressing.
Everything else has been going very good. I’ve been spending time with my mother, trying to assure her that I am going in the right direction with things. I’ve been working steadily, 5 days a week now, and going in at the crack ass of dawn every morning. I still have my weekends to myself, and have been getting alot done around the homestead. Things are ready for winter, now it’s just got to get cold here – it’s still unreasonably warm temperature wise.
I put 2 new tires on the truck, fixed the shot headlight and got it all ready for the annual state inspection due this month. I also got the 4 wheel drive fixed (I may have mentioned that previously) and it’s running great. So it should get me through the winter much better this year. All I have left to do on it is an alignment, which I have an appointment to get done next Wednesday afternoon – if things go as planned.
I’ve been checking out the thrift shops and cruising around the back roads of Maine and New Hampshire checking out the fall colors and that’s been a lot of fun and very relaxing. I’ve done it mostly by myself, with my dogs of course, and the solitude of driving around on a beautiful sunny fall day is so quieting to my soul.
So, that’s my life this week folks. I’m just hanging in there and trying to keep it all together. I hope you all are doing well.