Rules Don’t Apply: Being Butch

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I am Butch.  A Butch who loves femme women in particular and a member of the Butch-femme community; a community that struggles in today’s politically correct sort of world.  We are more often than not, ostracized for “copy catting or aping” heteronormativity.  My partner is asked why she feels the “need” to be so feminine, and I am grilled about my “wanting to be a man” by those that just don’t understand the Butch-femme dynamics or lifestyle.

Within my own community I find people telling me I should just “transition and get over it” when that is the furthest thing from my mind.  They seem to think that I must “want” to be a guy, because I look and act in more masculine ways.  The truth is that I love being Butch.  I am not afraid of my female parts.  Since I have had chest surgery I am much more comfortable in this female based body.  Sure, I hated my boobs when I had them, but that didn’t mean I had to transition.  Many lesbians, like me, are uncomfortable with their breasts – even some that don’t identify as Butch!  I was just lucky enough to be able to do something about my upper body dysphoria and have the surgery I had wanted for all my life.  I am fine with my body now; I’m flat chested and happy.  I am fine with my masculine appearance and my butch ways.

See, the rules don’t apply to me.  I have chosen to live outside the definitive lines of the gender binary.  I don’t prescribe to much of anything that would label me a girl/woman/female person.  As well as I don’t identify as a male person.  I fall somewhere in the middle of that scale, a gray area where I embody the best of both worlds.  It’s a comfortable place for me, mentally and physically.  I lean hard toward the masculine end of the spectrum, by pure nature.  I was born this way; born Butch.   It’s the only place I fee comfortable, safe and seen.

I am pretty stereotypically Butch.  I dress like a guy, talk like a guy (thanks to the US Army and smoking I have a pretty deep and rough voice) and I embody most things masculine in nature.  I’ve even been told that I think like a dude.  I am not very emotional and I rarely cry….all things that people believe are stereo typical of most Butch women. That tough exterior and rough attitude everyone believes we have. I like to think that Butch is my actual gender, that I am neither man nor woman, but somewhere in between and we call that “Butch” in my world.  In my world Butch is a noun.

I am often mistaken for a guy.  I get called “sir” and “dude” all the time, and it doesn’t bother me.  It often makes me smile, like I have some sort of secret.  I wear my Butch like a scarlet letter, prominent and proud.  I walk the walk and talk the talk so to speak. And it embarrasses me when people who I am with will try to correct those who mis-gender me; somehow it’s easier for me to just shrug it off and laugh to myself. I get a kick out of it.

I feel bad for my friends who are femme lesbians.  They are so invisible. Usually being seen as “straight” all the time.  Only we see each other; we seem to recognize each other somehow.  I know that it must be hard for her when she’s told that she can’t be a lesbian because she’s too pretty, or she hears the dreaded “why do you date girls that look like guys, why not just date a guy instead?”  As Butches and femmes we hear these types of comments, or get these questions, quite often.   I’ve heard some brilliant answers to them over the years.  But it never ceases to amaze me when someone feels so emboldened as to ask such personal stuff.  And it’s always so disappointing to hear it from anyone who identifies with the LGBT community, that just feels like a true back-stab. You would think that they, if anyone, would understand that we are all unique and we all like different things; differing lifestyles and have various tastes.

So when I lace up my Chippewa work boots and tug on that worn old ball cap over my closely cropped crew cut hair, I definitely look the part that I gleefully embody:  Butch to the core.  And loving it. I blur the lines of the gender binary and I am comfortable in my own skin, being authentically who I am, and I never want to change that.

Peace.   ~MB

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Sunday Snipets

I am so fucking psyched for the Christmas holiday season this year!  Finally a year where I feel so damned good and things are really looking positive in my life.  I’ve got the world by the proverbial balls right now.  My family is great, the dogs are doing well, my house is in order and I have a new woman in my life. What more can a Butch ask for ?  Sure, I still have my share of hard stuff to deal with, bills and the such, but overall life is sailing along swimmingly!!!

I ordered Ivan Coyote’s new book, A Tomboy Survival Guide, and the Barnes and Noble bookstore emailed and said it’s ready for pick up!  I cannot wait to get it and begin reading the latest works of Ivan. I have all of Ivan’s other books, as a matter of fact I just loaned one to my best friend here.  I’ll have to ask her if she’s reading it yet.

I am looking for more good lesbian books to read and review here and on my YouTube channel.  If you have a recommendation or if you are a writer and want me to read and review your book, please contact me at mainelybutch@yahoo.com  Direct email is the best way to reach me.  I tried to email someone who wanted me to read and review a book and I evidently have the wrong email because when I sent it to the email she indicated in her comment it bounced back as undeliverable.  I WISH that WordPress would add an email account to our pages, that way a reader would not even have to leave the page to email a writer directly.  I do know if I would upgrade to a full website for my blog, which is hosted by WordPress too, that I would have that in the webpage package….so perhaps I will soon do that.  I need to register my web name and invest a few dollars into it I guess.  Perhaps I will seriously consider doing this, it only makes sense.

On the note of doing reviews, I am particularly fond of books about the Butch-femme dichotomy and lifestyle.  Since I am Butch and I tend to date femmes this only makes sense.  But I am also interested in books dealing with sexual identity, Butch and Trans issues and stories.  I blur the gender lines so much that I am often asked if I identify as Trans.  I do identify as Trans-masculine, but not as Trans-gender.  I’ve struggled with my identity for most of my life, and there was a time when I may have questioned my gender, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I am fine being female bodied, as long as I can do it in a masculine way!  I’m definitely the definition of Butch, by stereotype, and that just fits me perfectly.

As far as me writing a book, as I have been told I need to do by so many people, that’s a thought that is definitely in my head. I would love to write a book of short stories of my life experiences and adventures.  I just need to get lined up with a good editor who can push me in the right direction.  I have the stories, some even already on paper or in the computer, but I don’t know how to write a book, or how to put one together for publication.  All things that a good editor would know and would be able to guide me to do.  I suppose I should start looking around and querying as to who I should contact and with which publishing company I should be trying to work with to do a book.  Hmm….2017 is going to be a very big year I think!

Alrighty then, I am off to work on another blog.  What have you read that you think I would like to read?  I’m seriously looking for suggestions!!!  Peace!  ~MB

 

 

 

Those Darned Definitions…

cropped-cropped-cropped-001.jpgMan!  Has language changed some radically since I’ve been walking this green earth.  Daily I am surprised by the “new” use of “old” words; the newer definitions and meanings of some.  Start with the word we all know and use in a zillion different ways:  Queer.  Now we know the dictionary meaning to be “odd or unusual” to be short.  But then we all know the meaning when it’s used to describe someone’s sexual preference for the same sex…i.e. “He/she is queer as a three dollar bill.”  meaning that he/she is gay…another word…Gay….now that is supposed to mean “happy and joyful” by the dictionary, but when used to describe me it means I like pussy, and I’m a bit queer.

Today’s LGBT world (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender, for those who may not really know what the letters represent, seriously.)  Yes, where was I …in today’s world we are constantly changing up language.  It’s a far cry from what it was like in the 70’s when I was growing up.  Or the 80’s when I was just coming out and defying the world with my gayness.

There are so many words now to describe or to define who one is in the world.  I could not possibly do justice to all of them here, but I will take a stab at a few of the more common ones just for fun.

There’s the all famous Butch.  The definition of Butch varies so widely now that I am not sure if I am even still Butch!  Hell, it seemed easy when I finally did define myself as such, it felt wholesome and right.  I was a masculine presenting woman.  Butch.  It is my identity, my definition of me.  But what it means to me and what it means to other people can really be confusingly different.  I define Butch for myself as a masculine woman.  A woman who is more comfortable walking the masculine side of the binary, but who is not a man and does not necessarily want to be a man.  (Some people are convinced that all Butch women secretly just want to be men – both straight people and other LGBT people have been known to say this more than once).  I want to wear my jeans and workboots; flannel shirts are a must to my Butch wardrobe.  I don’t walk like a girl, or talk like one.  My voice is very deep, raspy and quite often mistaken for a male voice on the phone.  Plain and simple for me, it’s just how I was constructed by life.   I am a masculine woman, a Butch to the core.  Of course, this is just my definition and will certainly vary from yours or someone elses.

Femme is another widely varying word.  It’s gained some serious notoriety and popularity in the last 10 years I believe.  We have had the word Butch for so long and it’s been more popular for the last 100 years than I think Femme has been.  In my experience I didn’t really have a word for the type of women that I found super attractive until I discovered the word “Femme”.  To me Femme means a very feminine presenting woman.  A woman who revels in the glories of being very feminine appearing, acting and who is often attracted to her polar opposite – the Butch.  (I know this is not always the case, I am aware that Butch/Femme is only one dynamic, and that there are others, please don’t shoot me).

Now there are all these fun descriptive words that you can throw together with Butch and Femme.  There’s about 100 ways to be Butch or to dilute it, which ever you think is happening. Personally, I think the dilution factor is more of what is taking place.  Historically we know that the Butch-femme dynamic kind of started as a cover so that women could see one another  and appear to be a hetero couple…they were hiding from the law and society basically. There’s a LOT more to the history than this, I am seriously over simplifying here for brevity.

Today we have baby Butches, Tomboi Butches, Soft Butches, Hard Butches, Stone Butches, Daddi Butches, etc. etc.  I am sure I have missed a dozen or so other types here…but you should get the gist of where I am going with this. It’s a hard thing to just say Butch is Butch nowadays, because there are so many layers and depths to each “type”.  If you look in Wikipedia or do a Google search for any one of the types you are bound to come up with more reading than you probably need to get to the point.  You can be whatever you choose, and you can define it in any way you want along the squiggly line of the binary.

Same with the femmes, you have the high femmes, diva femmes, lipstick lesbians, queer femmes, and that list goes on and on as well.  I am not as familiar with it as I am with the Butch side of things, obviously and for obvious reasons.  All I know is that I really love femme women.  And the way they embody their femininity is up to each one of them, they can put on a baseball cap and pull the pony tail through the back and still be a diva femme.  It’s all in the attitude I have come to realize with femmes.  They have this great attitude about femininity and they revel in it.

Today’s younger crowd has a ton of other new words too that I just don’t understand.  I’ve come to the realization that I am too old for some of this new wording. But I want to learn!

Personally, I used to identify as a Stone Butch.  I am not so sure about seriously identifying with the “stone” part any longer.  I’m just not sure exactly what stone means to me now.  I know that I am not a “touch me not” Butch, as the word “stone” is supposed to imply in some circles.  I don’t care for some things; for some forms of touch, but I do like to be loved on quite a lot!  I enjoy sex, and sometimes I think the the inference to “stone” is that he/she is not someone who likes to be touched or who enjoys any kind of sexual touch.  I have to say I enjoy both.  While I have my limitations, and my boundaries that doesn’t negate the fact that I am human and need human interaction and touch.  Hell, I love sex.

Stone is a word that gets thrown around a lot more as I’ve noticed lately. I even see it in reference to “stone femmes” now, which I never encountered before say the last year or so.  I’m not sure of how that definition would read or what it would be.  Perhaps one of you readers have more information on this one, or some anecdotes to share on it.  I see it on Fetlife quite often and wonder about it.

So, these are my more random thoughts for today’s blog.  I was just pondering word-smithing and how radically language in the gay community has changed over the decades. Words seem to come into fashion and fade just as quickly sometimes.  It’s interesting as fuck.  You may see me write a bit more about this, perhaps from a more serious angle next time, tonight I am in a fun mood and wanted to keep it fairly light.

Rock on.

~MB

 

 

 

The Christmas Blues

What is the real meaning of being alone. What do each of us consider when we say that we feel alone or that we are alone? I’m sitting here tonight, my friend from the neighborhood is here, playing on her computer in the living room. We just hang this way sometimes. She comes over and she does her thing and I do mine, it’s just the fact that we aren’t completely alone, and if conversation happens, then great.

The awesome woman that I really want to be spending this time with in these evenings that are leading up to Christmas in 2 days, is so damned far far away. I’m trying to figure out how I am feeling about that right this minute. I knew this was coming, but still I don’t like it. She’s there. I am here. And when I feel strongly like I do about her, I realize that my desire to have her with me gets quite intense.

I was married for a number of years and Christmas was a big deal in our house. I love Christmas myself, but over the last few years I have spent them pretty much alone – solitary, and single. I hate to say I am getting used to it, because I never am used to it. Every year I wish I had my own special person with me; beside me and enjoying each other’s company during what is supposed to be a very festive and loving time of year. It’s hard not having that. I’m really sick of it.

But I’m not so sick of it that I will just settle for anyone to fill that void that I feel in my heart. I’ve never been an easy one to find love with, and I know it. I’m shy, picky and can be difficult in my own ways. But I am also a committed and honest son of a gun, which has got to count for something.

I’d really like to see her soon.  I’m sure it’s scary for both of us, but I think I may be the bolder one in this situation. I’m ready as hell to see her here in front of me, where I can reach our and touch her….Skype and Whatsapp only take this so far. I realize there’s a safety net with the computer…and that she and I actually come from 2 very different places in life both in lifestyle and age…it’s scary any way you look at it I suppose. But I do hope very much to meet her in person in the not too distant future.

I love that she has time for me in her days and I am totally appreciative of it…I don’t know what I would do without being able to see her for days now. I’m completely hooked. I would stay up all night just to talk to her online. I even get up at 2am for our Skype sessions sometimes, just so I can help get her day started off right…..and I know she likes to see me in the morning, so it’s a bonus for me also in getting to see her smiling face. I’m really honored that she’s attracted to me and that we get along so great. Lucky I am.

It’s hard for me to describe Mushy without using the Butch-Femme scale (we all know the scale, but I will put it in after this post.) At first I thought she was more of a 5 ½ or a 6 even, she was very much the rougher side of Femme, but definitely not Butch. After getting to know her better these last 3 months I’d say she’s more of a 4 on the scale – if I had to say. She identifies as neither, I might add. She’s referred to being one of the “normal” lesbians. Which I guess she means that part of the lesbian culture that looks fairly straight, dresses in women’s clothing mostly (not meaning just dresses, but women’s business attire, etc) and have no real idea what Butch or Femme mean, except that they’ve heard them in usually derogatory ways, and that it wasn’t a crowd that she knew. I remember trying to hang with that crowd in the 80’s…we all looked pretty much alike, dressed alike and didn’t “buy in” to the label thing at all. The words Butch, Dyke, and Androgenous were taboo, and usually used as slurs.

I gotta say, there are as many ways to be a lesbian as there are ways to be beans. It’s all just in who you are and how you are raised, and how you are genetically made up. We are each and every one of us unique in some kind of way. That’s what makes us US. While some of us are clearly lesbian, clearly Butch and very visible, (yet also invisible in some ways). We have the disadvantage of not being able to pull off hiding and blending in with a crowd at all. We are unique and we don’t want it brought to our attention much of the time.

I am tired of looking around at just Femmes or those who identify as Femme thinking they are the only viable partners for Butches. Sure they do make wonderful partners for us, and us for them. And there is this cultural understanding between the two that negates some of the uncomfortable questions that come up when you date someone that isn’t familiar with the dynamic. And you can’t blame that person who isn’t familiar for asking the questions either, it’s just normal curiosity; if she’s interested she’ll have questions about you.

I find myself to be so self conscious that I don’t ask enough questions. I wish I wasn’t so shy about it sometime. I’m always afraid that I am going to ask a question that is totally out of line or will be a put off. But eventually I do gather more courage and loosen up as you get to know me and I become more trusting of you. I also have that filter, where I am thinking about 3 thoughts at a time and I can’t speak any one of them out loud….Butches know that feeling I know!!!  The mind is a muddy place sometimes 😉

Femmes know that Butches have a hard time starting conversations. Butches are also afraid of those lesbians that don’t identify too. How do we know what we are expected to do or how we are expected to act if we don’t know which one of us is Butch and which is Femme in the interaction? THAT scares a Butch. We have this inate need to know. I’ve thought a lot about this lately, and seen it play out in my own conversation with the woman I am seeing. She doesn’t fit the Femme scale well, she’s more one of those outside of the scale. She’s a great woman, pretty, smart and super funny. We laugh and laugh together, and I just want to reach through the screen and kiss her all the time….makes me nuts.

I know that dating someone outside of the B-F spectrum is a little different for me; challenging in a very very good way. I’ve dated inside that dynamic for a long time now. My ex-wife while she didn’t particularly identify with any specific label would surely hit dead on to a 5.5 on the proverbial scale. She was feminine as hell, while she could cowgirl up and do a hella job wrangling horses or hauling trees and brush. She was pretty versatile, and I enjoyed that quite a lot. She had her virtues and I certainly had mine in the relationship. We successfully made it work for a good number of years before we grew apart. So I know I can date outside of the dynamic to some extent. I’ve even been more successful there than anywhere else. Hmm…..thought…..

So as you can tell I am thinking about being alone over the holidays, and what that will be like this year.  I am wishing like hell that she could be here with me to laugh, and snuggle and enjoy the holiday glow.   It’s all just sparked my brain to write.  So ye are the subjects of my torture, dear readers.  🙂

Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

So my dear readers, I know quite a few of you identify as Butch or Femme, what do you think?

Can we date outside of the dynamic seriously?

What kind of obstacles can you see with dating someone who doesn’t know B-F as a lifestyle?

I’m curious about what you have to say.

Rock on…… ~MB~

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

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I would like to Thank Butchcountry67 for nominating me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award, I am very honored by this nomination!  I’ve been blogging on WordPress.com since 2009 and have been a regular WP blog reader for even longer.  I am inspired by many phenomenal writers, by the passion and the grace with which they light up my computer screen and stimulate my thoughts.

I am inspired by many other writers, some bloggers and some published in print, but here I will personally nominate 7 of my most often read online blogs with hot links to each for your convenience.  I hope that you will check them out, let them know what you think, follow those that also interest you and help us to promote our online blogging community, good will, excellent writing, and most of all…freedom of speech and expression.

As a Butch identified lesbian blogger, I am partial to my other LGBT friends and cohorts who blog on WordPress and other sites, as my nomination list here reflects.  I want to say to each of them here that “you inspire me daily, thank you.”  Without the readership and support that I receive here on my writing I would not continue to post online.  It’s become an important part of my life, and is my personal passion.   Again, Thank You ButchCountry 67, and Thank YOU my readers!   ~Peace~    ~MB~

 

The rules of this award are:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and add a link to their blog.
Display the award on your post.

2. List the award rules so your nominees will know what to do.

3. State 7 random things about yourself.

4. Nominate other bloggers for the award.

5. Contact your nominees to let them know you have nominated them. Provide a link to your post.

6. Proudly display the award logo (or buttons) on your blog, whether on your side bar, ABOUT page, or a special page for awards.

Soooo…7 Random Things About Me:

1.  I am a Butch identified lesbian living in southern coastal Maine, and most often write from that perspective.

2.  Books that have inspired me are: Grapes of Wrath, Butch is a Noun, Tuesdays with Morrie, and Five People You Meet in Heaven.  I love to read.  These books are about life stuff, but for recreational reading I like The Vampire Chronicles and Rita Mae Brown’s work in Ruby Fruit Jungle, just to name a couple.  I prefer books that can be related to real life and I do not care much for any kind of science fiction stuff – books or movies.  I love print books; books I can hold in my hands and feel the crisp pages under my touch.  I pray they are not lost in the technology affray.

3.   I did not “come out” to my family and straight friends until I was over 24 years old.  By that time most of them had “figured it out” but some still needed to hear me say it to make it real for them.  I lost very few friends, and the ones who I lost obviously were not really true friends to begin with in my opinion.

4.  I served 6 years in the US Army from 1980-86 as a 63Bravo…Light Wheeled Vehicle Mechanic.  I enjoyed my service in the military, and it was a big contributor to forming me as a young adult.  When I was in the Army it was NOT okay to be LGBT and I had to hide my identity and sexuality in order to stay enlisted.  I sadly saw many friends booted out because of their sexual preference.

5.  I am a Capricorn, and one stubborn old goat!  I’ve been told that I am a very typical Cappy… I am assertive, set in my ways, determined and strong willed/minded.  I tend to be more of a leader than a follower.  And I can be bossy given the leeway to be as such.

6.  I have lived in several places in my life but I always seem to return to Maine, where my roots are deep because I am 15th generation of the oldest family in Maine.  My family came here and settled the oldest town in Maine, where I was privileged enough to grow up, Kittery, founded in 1642 by the Shapleigh family and named for their estate in England.

7.  I am too am old enough to remember the original Hippies, Bell Bottoms & Hip huggers, Club kids and Disco, when cars were made of solid steel and we all had Cherry Bomb mufflers so you could hear us coming a mile away.  I also remember when you could buy penny candy for a penny.  And when you could not say one-tenth of the words that are now allowed on public, prime time television stations, and when you didn’t see ANY gay or lesbian performers who were “out” in real life.

Now for the fun part! I am nominating these 7 blogs for being so inspiring to me.

ButchCountry67

Roxi St. Clair

Feminin1

Queering the Nerd

Butch Wonders

Butch-Femme Photo Project

I hope that you have enjoyed this post and that you will visit some or all of the above listed great blogs!

 

2014 So Far…and Stone? Butch…

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2014 is coming into it’s last couple of months, and I am reflecting on the months of this year that are now behind me.  It’s been actually a really great year for me.  I can’t complain, I won’t complain.  I have had some pretty awesome things happen and have been pleased with this year in general.  Compared to the previous two years this one has been a virtual cake walk.  Now, it hasn’t all been roses by any means.  I’ve had a couple of tough situations sprinkled in among the good stuff too.  I think that those challenging situations make the positive stuff look even that much more appealing.

I have had to curtail one pretty close friendship this year.  Someone who was in my life for 6-7 years and who taught me a lot about myself over the times that we shared  I had to end the friendship because it just wasn’t healthy for either of us.  She wanted more than friendship, and I wanted more of a casual friendship and less of a closer friendship….see we were definitely not on that same page in our lives. I have a lot of respect for her and always have wished her the very best.  I don’t know if she reads me anymore, but if she does I know that she’ll agree that our taking different paths now is for the very best for both of us.

I had a serious year of personal growth.  As I look, back over blogs and records of 2014 I can see the changes pretty vividly in my own mind.  I came into 2014 with that gusto that says “THIS is going to be MY year” and I tried not to lose sight of that vision.  There were times that I stumbled, woke up and forgot to be grateful, or forgot to be mindful of the moment.  I think it’s natural to have a few of those.  I know that I had more days where I did embrace and follow a more relaxing routine that I worked on developing over the last couple of years.  A year like I have had doesn’t just happen I don’t believe, you have to be willing and able to make it happen for yourself.  I came into the year much more willing and with a truthful mindfulness of what I wanted out of it.  The mistakes I made were inevitably part of the process of growing and learning, no matter how painful or irritating those moments were, they were meant to be part of the deal.  I came into the year with a blah hand of cards to begin with, but I tossed them all back and pulled a fresh hand to work with, so to speak.  That was the best move I made.  To let go of what I could not control; to accept and recognize that there would be things beyond my control that I would have to just let be.

I engaged in really cool conversations with my American friend who lives abroad, who I shall now call Mushy.  She has showed me what things could look like if I wanted them.  Everything I had been wanting in the way of a romantic partner – or thought that I wanted – seemed to not really fit with what I actually needed in reality.  Through a series of deep questions, which led to some very deep contemplation on my part, I started to see the err in my desires.  It’s actually kind of hard to explain, but there was this big sort of s “shift” inside of me that I think really needed to happen, no matter what.  When I was confronted with these questions and asked to really think about my answers I started to find that my old pattern of thinking wasn’t lining up with my answers very well at all.  I thought that I had a certain “type” of woman that would make me happy in love, and in a relationship.  And after some back and forth I came to some very real and eye-opening revelations about myself.  I had been thinking one way, but internally desiring quite another.

I wrote about the changing of my “type” of woman a few blogs ago.  The more I have thought about that the more appealing it is to me.  My woman has to be different than the typical type I have previously gone for.  She’s strong and she’s demanding – like me.  But she also is very loving and caring and makes me a priority.  She may be shy, but she’s also bold, and she’s okay with my taking charge, too.  She knows when to turn off the work clock and turn her attentions to me, to us; her and I.  She just needs me to help her relax away the stress from her job, she needs my touch to let her know she’s so much more than the job or her work persona.  She’ll want to relax into my arms and let me love her like she deserves to be loved.  And she will love me in return just as much.  Yeah…that will work.

There’s this pressure in the Butch-Femme community for Butches to only date Femmes…although some buck the trend, for the most part that’s the main body of the Butch-Femme dynamic.  Butches date only Femmes and visa verse’ especially “stone” Butches and “stone” Femmes . While I have always gone for the very Femme women, those diva types, then maybe the next step toward the middle.  On this scale of Butch/Femme I would date the 1’s and 2’s.  I fall myself around a 9.5…I’m stone, but I’m not unreachable.  This I have discovered about myself.  In some ways I am very stone, yet in others I am certainly not the stereotypical stone.  I know, it’s confusing.  Hell it confuses me sometimes!  I think that everyone is very individual.  While my definition of Butch may be slightly different from my buddy’s definition, the cores are very similar.

femmebutchchart

I have found that I am not as emotionally stunted as I previously thought I was – or maybe I even was..but I’m not now.  I’ve grown in that particular area quite a bit.  I can express emotion now much more freely than I could say 4 years ago…we change, we grow, and this has been part of my own personal growth for sure. I’ve become much more open with my feelings, less likely to just stuff them as I used to do.  I’m not afraid to speak my mind – even if it’s uncomfortable or makes me feel vulnerable – anymore.  I was told that I am very soft and gentle in actuality and as I sat back and thought about it and thought about the last 6 months of my life I can see where I have definitely come out of my shell emotionally.

Perhaps it’s got something to do with the people that I have associated with more these days.  I have had a good solid network of great friends and a couple of very special women in my life this year.  Most have all helped me to relax more and to be more trusting.  Yesterday I was told that I don’t have “Stone emotions”, that my fear of emotional exposure was more from being “screwed over” in the past….I had to think about this, and I have to say it’s pretty close to the truth.  I have always had this fear of my own emotions, I never cry…and if I do you’ll never see me do it.  I try very hard to keep my emotions in check so that I’m not wearing them on my sleeve, so to speak.  But it’s more about comfort level than it is about being stone Butch or not.  Even stone Butches have hearts and emotions, we were just under the impression that we had to hide them to appear more tough and stoic. I’m tired of appearing tough, or rough, or scary.  I’m weary from keeping emotions bottled up inside where not showing them somehow protects me from exposing my true self.  I’m a sap inside. I’m seeing that the only thing that stone represents truly to me is a sexual preference.

I think I am just going to start calling myself plain ‘ole Butch.  I can take up the stone sexuality part with my lover when necessary, and not worry about all the stereotypical crap anymore.  I don’t have to take on anything that I don’t want.  I’m definitely a masculine of center (MOC) Butch…on the exterior anyways, but on the interior I’m finding that I am a lot softer than I am stone.  It’s actually a little freeing just saying that out loud.  I never thought I’d see myself admitting that I am soft in any way…amazing.  Hell, I amaze even myself.  Now, you still won’t see me cry probably, and I am probably still going to say “fuck” a lot….and I’m not going to change anything, just going to drop the “stone” label because it just doesn’t feel right anymore.  I don’t need anything that makes me look or feel any harder-core than I already am.

I met someone recently who has been having a major impact on my life.  She’s quite the woman.  The past few weeks she’s helped me to see that there is no such thing as too busy; that I am and can be a priority.  She has a very high level, stressful and high pressure type of job…and yet she’s made time in her every day for me…several times a day!   Even when she’s schmoozing 400 people at one of her big events I get texts from her – just because. That makes me feel pretty damned special!  I’m pretty impressed to say the least.  She is not the typical type that I have fallen for in the past…she’s more on the scale of a 5  (reference graph above) I’d say. (hahaha) She’s got her head on really well, and she’s even taught this old dog some new stuff.  Especially about what I deserve and what I should or should not accept from others, and I am sure I have more to learn from her.  Anyways,  I have mad respect for her, and a big fat crush on her too.  Or maybe it’s on her cat…they’re both pretty damned adorable!  Either way, I want to continue to get to know her, and have her get to know me.  There’s no rush here, and we have so much more to learn together I am sure. I love how comfortable she makes me in talking – that’s something really kind of new to me this year – talking and learning about someone a lot more than I’ve been interested in doing in the past.  The pure emotional connection we are making is pretty amazing.  And I love that she wants to talk to me all the time, and that she’s even apologetic when she has to go to work or to go work out even…and she doesn’t have to be apologizing for any of that, but she does…and it’s impressive to know that she cares enough to be that way with me; that she makes me a priority.  That’s something she’s taught me – not to take less than being a priority.

So that’s the synopsis to date for 2014…interesting fucking year it has been.  I know I am skipping some things, right now I am not quite sure how to put an ending on certain stuff.

Rock on.  ~MB