I follow a few bloggers on WordPress who participate in the “Sinful Sunday”challenges. I’ve been reading and checking their pics for a good while now but haven’t had the gumption to jump in…well here goes!
I randomly shot this pic after a very hot tussle with my girl.
We recently had matching tattoos done, hers above, on her hip. Mine on my left inside forearm. Really like them, the guy did a sweet job! Good thing, it was her first tat! I was proud of her for handling it very well.
I’ve been more of a lurker on the “Sinful Sunday” blogs, so I thought it was time for me to start trying to post more. You can see more of the Sinful Sunday contributions from various bloggers by clicking on the lips below!
I’m heavily involved with a woman in a very long-distance relationship. I am madly in love with my woman and i believe the feeling is mutual for her as well. We met about 18 months ago online and hit it off very quickly. Neither of us were looking for any sort of “relationship” like the one that has taken us both by major surprise! I am super happy being with her; being around her and just having her in my life in whatever ways I can manage to make that happen.
She works especially hard at keeping us in tight contact and in visiting me as much as she possibly can manage. She also has an almost 4 yr old daughter who requires major amounts of her time and energy. It’s been really terrific how she has allowed me to fit into her busy life; welcoming me into her heart and her home.
At the beginning of this month I took a flight down to Texas to spend 5 days with her and the little one, in their space and learning about how their lives go and what they like to do.I have to say that it was the most relaxing and awesome 5 days for me. She treats me so incredibly good. I don’t know what good deed I did that brought this major good karma to me in the form of her and her love for me, but whatever it was I hope I keep doing it! I truly do not want this to ever end. Ever.
I could see myself completely in a full-time daily relationship with this woman very, very easily and I believe I would absolutely love every minute of it – like I love every minute I spend with her. The electricity between us in high-voltage for sure. She is definitely my Kryptonite.
The most difficult thing for me is the distance and the communication at times. I miss the things that can only be had in a closer vicinity relationship, like daily kisses, dinner together and discussing our days, sleeping next to the one I love the most in this world and waking up next to her in the morning. These are the things you give up when you agree to a long-distance relationship. What makes them easier for me is that when we ARE together everything is so very important; every moment, every second counts twice as much. I find that I cannot fill my vision with enough of her and her smile, her eyes and those sexy lips so I am often staring at her alot when we are together. I value our time in the presence of one another more than anything. And it’s very hard when we again have to go our separate ways and back to the lives we live daily without each other’s physical presence and touch.
I have said in the past that I wouldn’t do another LDR, but I was swept off my path by the entry of this incredible woman into my life. We started by just innocently talking online, by email and then by messenger. One thing lead to another and we began Skyping – which is a terrific way to get to know someone from a distance in my opinion. I found myself very drawn to her; moreso every time we spoke and every time I saw her beautiful face on my computer screen or her name come up in my messenger on my phone. I got excited to hear from her, even the smallest things I wanted to know about her and wanted to talk to her about. I love that she is super smart and very dedicated to her daughter, her job and her life in Texas. I love that she has somehow found ways to make time to fit me into that picture as well. She means the whole world to me.
I don’t usually connect with women who contact me online looking to date or hook up. It’s a sketchy thing to me. I don’t trust people and I am a miser with my time and energy. When she contacted me I didn’t realize it would result in major feelngs and changes in my life. I didn’t realize it would lead to a deep and growing love and passion beyond expectations, but it did and I am extremely happy that it has worked out this way.
We’ve been doing this long-distance thing now for about 16 months…We have managed to see one another every 6-8 weeks since the beginning. We did just extended that and went almost 3 months without any face-to-face time and it was EVILLY HARD!!! We decided we didn’t like that at all and are going to try to stick closer to the six to eight week schedule that worked better for us. I just hope we can keep it working on that schedule somehow.
I know I give up a lot by choosing long-distance love. Some days I want someone who is right here with me, who wakes up with me and has morning coffee and sleepy chat. It’s harder just being alone all the time. No one to depend on, no one to share with, no one to notice things and no one to understand the days. I’ve contemplated a more poly arrangement, but I don’t believe a substitute in my bed would really workout very well. Plus, finding a woman who would be amendable to that type of arrangement would be a tad more difficult. No, I know who has my heart and who I want in my bed. Enough said.
We each choose to be exactly where we are at this moment simply by doing the things we have done and continue to do. That is our reality.
I get crazy for her some nights, that urge just won’t quit. I lay flat on my back, which is how I sleep anyway, stretch out and try to imagine…oops, did I turn off the stove…? Fuck. And, yes, I generally get up to check if that thought, or a thought about the heat being turned down crosses my mind. After getting back up to check on things at least once, I settle into my bed, one dog laying by my side and the other laying on my chest. This is how I sleep every night. I’m a back sleeper, flat on my back. I wake myself laughing quite often, and can manipulate my dreams if I try hard enough…it’s a gift I believe.
I got up this morning, turned on my computer and resumed watching a movie that I had started last night – before my eyelids wouldn’t stay open. The movie was “Below Her Mouth” and is very erotic, sexy and one of the best lesbian movies I have seen done. Generally when you watch any movie with two women getting it on it’s staged and done by straight men, thus it’s not realistic or true to form. THIS movie was very realistic, true to form and a great depiction of lesbian sex. Didn’t look fake at all, which made it even hotter. So, if you’re looking to get yourself a bit sexually aroused this weekend, check out “Below Her Mouth” on Netflix. I can just about guarantee you won’t be sorry!
The high winds last week got so bad one night that it blew my bird feeding station pole down, and it’s anchored by a piece of marble…so it has weight, but the wind was so ferocious that anything without deep roots was flying around. Luckily, I only lost one feeder. My finch tube feeder was crushed by the pole when it fell. I just put everything back together and the local birds are now happily snacking once again.
Spring is very slow coming here in Maine this year. It’s April 7th and it’s 38 degrees, windy, but sunny. It’s just been a weird ending to winter for us. Keeps snowing, about every other day we get snow. None of it is “sticking” or building up; generally it’s gone in a few hours of sunshine. But it’s annoying as fuck.
I am anxious for warmer days, sunshine and gardening! I have even mapped out my property in planning out my gardens for 2018. I do love my gardens, and being outside working in them. Even weeding has a sort of zen feeling to it for me. And I’ve been watching some DIY videos about prepping the vegetable garden soil for better growth and production. I haven’t added compost to that garden since I built it the first spring I was in this house. So, compost is being mixed in this season, so things should grow good. And I am planning a long garden down the side of the trailer, coming out about 6′ or so, I bought a bunch of wildflower seeds and am going to prepare that area and over-seed it with a mix of four types of seeds: hummingbird attractor, flowering perennials, flowering annuals, and a butterfly mixture. This next coming weekend it’s supposed to be warmer, so I am planning to do some outdoor work; raking, trimming and laying some stones I have procured from the nearby quarry.
April 10, 2018.
My girlfriend and I are doing really great, despite the distance. My heart is really happy about this. It’s strange to take such a big chance on love again at 56…I seriously thought that this part of my life was pretty much finished. I never expected to meet Bones. She’s changed my whole outlook on some things, and I was obviously very ready to make the changes. I don’t exactly know where we are taking things, it’s complicated in a few ways. She has a life in Texas, a business and a child. Right now we are just trying to stay connected daily, enjoying the moments, and not making any future plans. Living and taking things day-by-day, as they come. She’s coming back in May to spend some more time with me. And she’s bringing her daughter to meet me. I am really looking forward to this next visit!
I’ve really gone out on a limb with this woman. I’m pleasantly surprised at how well things are going and how deeply she’s affected me. I’m allowing her past many walls and letting her through the barriers to my heart. It’s been scary, but worth every wince. She just looks at me and I melt into a puddle inside…the feeling is outrageously delicious. I long for her touch when we are apart; and I know she’s feeling it too. That’s the best part. I feel for people who settle for anything less than this feeling, it’s the best feeling in the world to connect with another person on this level of depth, emotionally, physically and sexually, it’s just phenomenal.
I have opened a new website for anyone interested in Butch-femme connections and conversation. It’s just getting off the ground. It’s a membership only site where you join up and create a profile. I am going to link it here in this post. Anyone who would like to contribute, participate or even just lurk around until they feel more comfortable, is welcome to join. The site has been created for women who prescribe to the Butch-femme dynamic mostly, but there are forums for other things as well such as LGBT news and articles. The site is called Butch-Femme-Perspectives. Please join me! I feel that with some effort on all of our parts we can make the site pretty damned cool! We’ll add and subtract from it as necessary, creating our own unique safe place on the web.
Alrighty, let me wrap this up. The day is burning away, I need to get some things done outside and am lingering inside just waiting for it to warm up a tad. Hell..I could be waiting til Thursday at this rate! Haha…
What does your week hold in store for you? Any great things happening? What are you looking forward to?
Butch desire is to fem hunger what peanut butter is to jelly; what ying is to yang.
I recently read a really GREAT blog about “hunger”; specifically fem hunger. You can read it here, which is my previous cross post about this blog, and will connect you with this wonderful blogger. The writer is a fantastic femme, who writes with elegance and ease about this topic and many others concerning Butch-fem relationships and dynamics. As with anyone, I don’t always agree with her, but I have found that she quite often stimulates me to write more! I truly value her opinions and perspectives.
This article she wrote about fem hunger has made me think much about what it is that I, as a Butch who desires that fem hunger, feel and how I respond to that hunger.
Butch desire is the deep, almost primal, need a Butch feels when acknowledged by a femme. It’s the riveting eye contact that conveys the message that they want more; they want to take it all. Butch desire runs deep in the body, and is activated like an electrical current, making the heart race and the breath come in heavy sighs. It’s that desire to be wanted and needed exactly as I am – Butch and proud – not to be told to “tone it down” or hide in any way.
It’s the unending need to fix everything; to make everything good and right for her femme; to treat the femme like the queen of her world, as it should be. Then it’s the aching need to take what is hers; to conquer and devour every savory morsel of femininity exuded by her fem lover, and to do it with force and precision.
“I want you as a woman, not as a man; but I want you in the way you need to be, which may not be traditionally female, but which is the area you express as Butch…….I make it right to want me that hard. Butches have not been allowed to feel their own desire because that part of being Butch can be perceived by the straight world as male. I feel I get back my femaleness and give a different definition of femaleness to a Butch as a femme.”
Amber Hollibaugh, “What We’re Rollin’ Around In Bed With” My Dangerous Desires
Butch desire is the raging need that fills my mind with visions of her, spread before me quivering and waiting for my touch, sometimes gentle and sometimes rough and demanding. It’s the ache in my entire body that is only stopped by her moans, that deep connection we make in becoming whole together, mind, body and soul. It’s her unbridled hunger for being taken and my overwhelming desire to claim her as my own. Butch desire is all of those things, plus much more. From the way it makes me lick my lips in anticipation, to the guttural noises I make as I find my release with her body quaking under mine.
That hardness; the rigidity of our closely guarded emotions, that we keep locked up safe behind our walls of protection, is also our vulnerability. When a femme sees momentarily behind the wall that we build, it’s an intimate and very exposed feeling for a Butch. We do not show our vulnerabilities readily, nor often. Some say we are damaged goods; that our lack of visible emotion and response is from some trauma – or from our “wanting” to be male – nothing could be further from the truth for a truly authentic Butch. Femmes have a way of seeing through our thinner walls, and of reaching past those super-tender spots without threatening or damaging us. This serves to heighten our desire; to fan the flames of heat and passion.
Never have I desired to be “male” – although standing to pee is very appealing – it never came to me to transition to the male gender. Femmes get this. They don’t push us to change, but accept us for who we are and how we represent ourselves in the world. We are women who push the gender boundary and skew the binary; who look, feel and think a bit differently perhaps. There’s a thin line; a boundary of distinction, invisible to most and yet something that we are very keenly aware of as we move about our world.
Being a dominant Butch it’s often assumed that I take on a “male” role in any relationship. While this has some truth to it, it’s not really that cut and dried; every Butch owns her own butchness – and what that is and how it plays in her life, daily. Being Butch doesn’t stop when no one’s looking, it’s an authentic way of being in the universe. And it’s that combination of being female, yet very masculine that feels every so right to a Butch – and to her fem partner. It’s what gives me life and joy in being.
When I am with people from outside of the gay community I am more keenly aware of my differences with them. Whereas when I am with my counterparts I am much more relaxed and less guarded overall. The more “mainstream” lesbian community generally frowns on the Butch-fem dynamic, lifestyle and those who partake in it’s beauty. Sad for them in my opinion. Lesbians seem to have a real tendency to be judgmental of other lesbians – at least that has been my own observation. I see more lesbian on lesbian bashing than I care to see.
Personally, I don’t give much weight to their opinions, rude remarks, comments, or slurs of others – lesbian, straight, or whatever. That’s their business; their own frame of thinking, generally constructed from within their own culture, community and situation in life. People get hung up on what they do not understand; it frightens them, so they try to minimalize it however they can. I find this to be a real form of “internalized” homophobia. Preach about equality, but disrespect those who do the same things you do – just tweaked a bit. That does NOT make much sense. And perhaps me even saying this here doesn’t either, it’s MY own internalized phobia of occasionally worrying about what others may think. And there I will leave it.
I have just had the pleasure of reading a most outstanding piece on Huffpost called “Redefining Butch-femme Relationships”, by Georgia Kollas, writer, Huffington Post blogger, and cultural observer. I loved it! It could not have been any better! I encourage all of you to give it a good read!
Also, Ms. Kollas is a self-identified as a femme, a “strong, badass” one at that! I love reading about the “dance” from a femme perspective as it’s obviously the opposite, yet the same as my own experience from my stance as a Butch.
To quote one favorite and much agreed with paragraph from Ms. Kollas’s article:
…We are yin and yang – seemingly oppositional forces that are actually complementary and interconnected. We offer a devoted appreciation for the gender expression of the other, an affirmation of intrinsic qualities that make us who we are. Each of us is unique, with our own blend of characteristics along a gender spectrum. We all carry both masculine and feminine aspects within ourselves.
I so agree that we are the “yin” and “yang” in each other’s worlds. We are the same, yet complete opposites that need on another for happiness and love. We, both identities, thrive on the energy that our opposite exudes. As a femme loving Butch, I am very strongly attracted to the softer essence of the femme, and to her fierce badass parts as well. It’s not just about the sex, it’s about the “big picture” that each of us has in mind. It’s about the sensuality, both strong and intriguing, that lures us to each other; to desiring to be in one another’s presence.
I’ve always heard the old “mimicking hetero” stuff, even from other lesbian identified people in my community. And it makes me chuckle to myself because that’s really not what Butch-femme relationships are at all. As a Butch I do not desire to be or to mimic a man; I am a undeniably a female person who is entrenched in masculinity from within my soul. I embrace my masculinity, and I love women who embrace their femininity with that same reciprocating enthusiasm – particularly lesbian identified femmes who find my Butch-ness appealing and attractive.
I appreciate the power of a femme; that alluring mystique that captivates my every thought when I am with her. I love the flirtations and the magic that happens within the Butch-femme dance. That magic fills my chest with pride; pride for being with such beautiful and sexy woman that makes my masculinity feel so perfect to me. There is just nothing akin to the exquisite dance that happens when we are connecting.
Another favorite line from Ms. Kollas writing,
I love butch–femme and the particular dynamic that exists when two people are firmly in their fullest expression of their gender and interconnected in a dance of complementary opposites.
I see femmes as precious beings; ones to be protected and to be loved deeply. As I run my fingers through her long hair, balling my hand into a fist and pull her head back to kiss her passionately it is actually she who controls that very moment, as it is she gives me that power. There is a power exchange in the Butch-femme dynamic that is fierce, yet so subtle and we feel it deep in our bones; spiritually, emotionally and sexually.
It’s the middle of the night…I reach for my phone…has she messaged me? Did I miss it? Damn, I never want to miss her messages, her texts, videos, pictures…I don’t want to miss a thing.
I’ve been sort of walking on clouds…and eggshells simultaneously. I’m falling very hard for her and I know I can’t hide it. She’s in my thoughts and in my heart constantly. I have kept myself very guarded; not letting anyone into my heart, for a very long time. I’ve been keeping people at arms length for so long that it is like a whole new thing to let her in; to let her past those walls and to reveal my vulnerability to her.
I don’t want to scare her away, and I also don’t want her to get away! I have to be patient and focused. I’ve been given another chance at real love – and that doesn’t happen too often, so I don’t want to fuck it up in any way.
She’s different from the other women I have been with…and she deserves to be honored and respected for her uniqueness. She’s teaching me, and I am teaching her. This is a new world and a learning curve for both of us. Our histories are similar, yet very different at the same time. We’ve both been in places that we didn’t want to be in, yet stayed for all the wrong reasons. And it’s a tender walk out of that dark forest, a very tender walk. But putting the past behind us so that we can build on our future is important – and doing it right is as well. I want her to do things in her own time; at her own pace and for the right reasons. Just as I have to do, too.
Yeah, so I think I have found the woman who can handle me. Who wants me no matter the scars and the baggage that I carry and she’s willing to take me as I am, no demands and no requirements in advance. She gets me. She really does. And I love her for that.
I can’t change who I am, and I don’t want to have to ever do that. This woman isn’t wanting me to change. She gets that I am Butch and stuck in my ways. She understand my dominance and my quirks. She’s my Rock star.
It’s a nice cool 61 degree morning here on the coast of Maine, albeit a rather overcast day. The clouds gathering above me in the sky are heavy and full of rain – which will surely soon be pouring down upon my thirsty gardens and lawn spaces, thankfully.
I am up. I got up at 4:30am after a few short hours of sleep. I’ve been having the most insane dreams lately. I’m not sure if it’s med related, stress related or just that I am fucking weird. Again last night I dreamed of being in the Army once again, and this time being deployed to control riots surrounding the Charlottesville white supremacist rally. Yes, my dreams are overlapping into what is happening in real life here in America. If I were able I would re-join the Army in a heart beat, but I’m aged out at 55. Even so, I still dream of being in uniform again every now and then. I often lament that I should have stayed my ass in the military until retirement. But back in the mid-80’s when I finished my tour of duty the climate around being lesbian and in the Army was not good. They were still in the midst of having monthly “witch hunts” and “round ups” of gays and lesbians to throw out of the service just for being who they were. I narrowly avoided a couple of those round ups because I did not use my real name back then. Off-post I had an entirely different identity; living stealth in order to maintain my position with the Army. I did not want to have to explain a discharge that was other than honorable to my father – a man I feared and respected; a man who said I did not have the “balls to join” the Army…yeah, I was busy showing him what a damned good soldier looked like!
…and I digress…
I was saying, it is a fantastic start to my day here. Life has been changing lately for me, as I mentioned briefly in previously posted blogs here. I’ve been making changes, still growing and just relaxing more into myself and into life. I’ve been trying hard to become more aware of myself; of my internalized phobias, and trying to work on those. We all have them, we try to deny it but it’s a fact. I’ve been trying harder to think about what other people are going through or are concerned with and to be empathetic to those things. I think it’s making me a better person. I hope it is.
I have been getting out more the last few weeks. Doing more by the way of social sort of stuff. Generally I keep quietly to myself. But I have realize that this isn’t doing my psyche any damned good. Thus I have made more of a concerted effort to socialize and get the hell out of the house days.
On the 10th I went out to The Old Ferry Landing in downtown Portsmouth, NH with my whole family for a birthday dinner for my mother. The Landing is right on the Piscataqua River, in Portsmouth Harbor. It’s the very spot where the old ferry would land to bring passengers and freight back and forth across the river between Maine and New Hampshire up until the first draw bridge was built in the 1930’s. So it’s a very historic spot, and when I am there I imagine what it might have been like for my grandmother to ride that ferry to town, which she did back then. So it’s like walking in the footsteps of my ancestors.
Right next to the landing is the home of the Moran Tugs. These tug boats are used to guide commercial vessels through the channels of the Piscataqua, one of the fastest current salt water rivers in the world, and through the two draw bridges that span the river. There is a 3rd bridge, the “high level” we call it, that is high enough to navigate ships beneath, so it is stationary. Right now the “middle bridge” of the Sarah Mildred Long Bridge, is being replaced. It’s quite the project building a new draw bridge with all of today’s technology incorporated into it. The project is the talk of the seacoast at this time.
Here are some good pictures of me, my family, the restaurant and the tugs. Taken with my new Moto phone’s camera.
And while I was in the city (Portsmouth) I happened by a little shop that is owned by a dear old friend of mine. She is actually the woman who worked at the clinic where I tested positive for HIV back in 1992. She is the one who had to break the news to my bewildered ass. And I was the first woman she had ever had to tell they were positive. So we have a sort of bond because of this happening to us back then. We have always stayed in touch on the fringes, seeing each other at various outings, like Pride, Women’s March, and others. Well, she dragged me into her little shop, which is for femmes let me tell ya, it’s full of jewelry, scarves, and hats…oh the hats…seems they were having a little “hat party” at the moment that I happened by on my way to the Ferry Landing. Once inside they took great glory in having a Butch in their midst. I got flirted with and poked fun of and then THIS happened:
Yep, they made me try on one of the foofy hats…and they sure did get a laugh out of it, as did I. I graciously allowed them to take this pic…so here it is for prosperity…and you all get a good chuckle out of it too. 🙂
This last Saturday I went up to celebrate my neices’s birthdays – Kyle and Meagan are both 23 this year…oy vey…and they often celebrate together as they are only 4 days apart in age. Yes, 1994 was a very busy year for my family! lol. It was the year I became an Auntie. Auntie Butch…go figure. One of the proudest times of my life. Here are some pics from the pool party we had Saturday.
Yes, it was complete with fresh off the boat Maine lobsters! And they sure were great. They are hard shell right now and full of good meat. I had a fun time sending pics of them to my girlfriend and freaking her out…she’s never had a lobster. Soon…very soon.
Yes, you read that right. Girlfriend. I formally asked her to be my girlfriend. Hey, it’s the Butch way, you got to be respectful; not assume anything. If you don’t ask; if you don’t together label what you have then it’s not official. That’s my code anyway.
I’ve known this woman for close to a decade now…she’s been right in front of me and I just wasn’t ready…and in reality neither was she. Both of us were on other paths; going through other things of our own and were just aware of each other on the fringes…but come to find out we WERE both aware…
The last 10 years I have been involved in some not so good situations. I was with one woman on and off for many of those years. I thought we would be together basically forever, but she met a man and realized she wasn’t who she thought she was. Did it hurt? Hell yeah. But I don’t want anything to do with a woman who may be the least bit straight in any way, shape or form – not even a little bit. So that ended, and ended very abruptly. It’s for the best, I was “settling” I now see. I didn’t have that passionate love for her that I need to have for the forever woman in my life. Then I started to get involved with another woman, but turned out she was so deep in the closet that she was kissin the back wall hard…So, yeah, I had some fuck ups along the way here, but it’s all behind me now.
I backed off dating completely; just gave the fuck up and figured I’d just be happier sticking to myself and not getting involved with anyone, it seemed to always be just too damned complicated.
That worked for a good while…then she somehow got my attention and things turned in a different direction. We got to just casually talking at first, and then it became clear that we had both been stealthily following each other for almost 10 years…interacting on rare occasions, but just enough to stay in touch. We began daily conversations, got into some pretty deep stuff from both of our lives. Both being bloggers and being each other’s followers, we knew quite a bit about one another; each had watched the other go through a myriad of struggles over the decade. We filled in those blanks; those things that we didn’t disclose in our blogs, the intimate details…lots of very personal stuff we have shared. I’m not afraid of her hurting me, I’ve let that wall down and damn, it sure feels great. To finally have someone who I can trusts with my heart.
Fast forward a little bit and I have really connected with this great woman. She has stolen my heart…in a very good way. She makes me smile, laugh, think and want to be all that I can be for her – and for myself. I keep pinching myself to see if this is real; to see if I am really awake and that this is happening for us. We’ve gotten really close, sharing our fears, our dreams, and our mutual affection for one another. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time….like since 2007…and I don’t exactly know where this journey with her will take me, but I am sure going to find out. I’m not letting go now for anything…anything. I’ve needed her for so long, and now she’s right in front of me right where she belongs. In my heart and in my arms. I don’t wanna miss a minute of this…
More on this to come…I am sure as rain. Peace. ~MB
