Ugly Women and TED Talks

Whoa, I slept all of Saturday away!  I must have needed it, or my body wouldn’t have wanted all that sleep!  Seriously, I never woke up til 11:30, and then I laid back down and woke up again at 2:30pm this afternoon.  I stayed up only because I had to go out and get smokes. I am trying a new brand, American Spirit greens.  They’re organic cigarettes…doesn’t that sound a little fucked up?  “Organic” cigarettes?  Like they are supposed to be good for you if they are organic?  LMFAO….yeah, right. I had a coupon that the American Spirit representative that stopped in to our store last week had given me for 2 packs for 2 bucks…almost free ciggs, so I couldn’t pass it up.  Anyways, grabbed 2 packs today of the green menthols.  I normally smoke Newport Smooths, in the black pack, and I like them – a lot.  These were supposed to be similar, but I think the dark greens are probably closer to what I am looking for in strength and taste.  Oh well, try them next time.   In the meantime I will keep these I got today and use them for back up for when I run out of my regular smokes. I know I should quit…don’t even go there telling me so please. It’s my last bastion of rebellion…my smokes.

I’ve always said – usually kiddingly, but there is some sincerity in it – that I don’t date ugly women.  I just don’t do it.  I think that all women have beauty, whether it’s in their exterior looks or in their interior beautiful hearts.  There is no such thing as an ugly woman…unless you go to Walmart on a Saturday morning and see the fools in their yoga pants and tent style t-shirts with camel toe or ass crack showing.  Even they are not “ugly” just really really really stupid.  And obviously they don’t have any friends who are willing to tell them how outrageously stupid they look in that garb – in a public place!  Hell I wouldn’t even understand it in a private setting!  But hey, we’ve all seen the outrageous People of Walmart web pages and it’s true, people will go out looking quite foolish and not seem bothered by it one bit.

Me? I have to look normal when I leave my house.  I will NOT wear pajamas out of the house.  I know some people will go to the store wearing their pajama bottoms and slippers but i just can’t do it. If I have to go up to the store and I am sitting around in my leisure clothes I will get up and get fully dressed in jeans and boots before I go out that door.  I’m not looking like a fool and making the People of Walmart page!  HAHAHAHA   The house would have to be on fire for me to leave it in my pajamas.

I’ve dated some knock out gorgeous babes in my day.  I’ve been extremely fortunate in that respect.  I’ve also dated some seriously smart women – those are my favorites!  A woman who can carry on an intelligent conversation will win me over every time.  It’s like I am attracted to the nerds mostly.  The librarian types are right up my alley. Yes, I just love the smart ones!

I had a young woman write to me today about Brene’ Brown’s TED Talk on Vulnerability. I’ve spoken about that talk before in past blogs. I just love it. I’ll add a link at the end of this blog for those wanting to check it out.  It is an outstanding piece.  Anyways this young woman said:

“I just had to watch this TED talks video by Bene Brown on Vulnerability for one of my grad school classes and it made me think of you! Like you are a perfect embodiment of that entire discussion. I know you’ve seen it cause I remember you mentioning it. I loved how she talked about vulnerability not a weakness, but actually being our most accurate measurement of courage. I instantly thought about you and your blog and videos and how you have the courage to put yourself out in the world and to allow yourself to be so vulnerable. I also liked how she defined courage as telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. That’s exactly what you do. You might be one of the most courageous people I know.
Whenever you’re feeling down and think you don’t matter to the world, I want you to know that you do. You are making a difference in the lives of many people you don’t even know about. All just by being you.
You inspire me. And you inspire the world.”

I was quite honored by her words.  It amazes me when I get emails like this that tell me that I am inspiring someone or that my blogs or videos are helping some young LGBT person, or hell some old one too!  I just write from my heart. Sometimes I address topics that are on my mind, sometimes it’s just me rambling.  I truly believe that we change the world one person at a time.

Here is the TED Talk by Brene’  The Power of Vulnerability 

Peace & Love

~MB

 

Snow…Dating…Sex….What’s up!?

Saturday, 24th…It’s snowing like crazy here today and I am stuck inside watching the flakes rain down from the clouds. There is not even any reason to get dressed, other than to go outside to shovel, today. I’m going to stay in my comfortable clothes, my flannel pajama pants and a sweatshirt and slippers all day, yes, it’s just going to be a lazy snow day! Even the dog has hunkered down and is being ubber cuddly; just wants to snuggle up with me and be petted and made of. I’d rather have a nice hot woman here to snuggle with, but in absence of that I will settle for cuddling on the couch with the dog and a warm blanket.

I woke up this morning sick to my stomach…complete with headache and body aches…thinking I may be have a little flu bug. I’m not bad now, but first thing was pretty miserable for me. I don’t often get sick but when I do it’s always sudden and harsh, then I slowly get better over the course of a day or so.

Monday.…Jan. 26, 2015

Ok, weird thought in my head, about how women hit on each other sometimes. I remembered the time in my life, in my 20’s that I asked a woman to come over and check out my rock collection…true story! On a side note, I ended up in a relationship with that woman for the next year or so as I finished out my time in the Army at Ft. Sill, Oklahoma…obnoxious as it sounds it was a great pick up line, she knew exactly why she was invited over, not naive to think I really had a rock collection…… I think that most women are pretty smart in that respect, they know that a Butch has some lame pick up lines sometimes, and even some cute ones that can’t be resisted 😉  (Tell me your BEST pick up line that worked in the comments below!)

I generally only respond to women who show interest. And I ‘m not one to bug or annoy a woman, I don’t get into calling or texting her repeatedly without response. That to me is just rude. If you can’t take a hint like “she’s not returning my texts, maybe she’s not interested.” I just don’t get it. If she’s interested in me she will respond, if she’s not then she won’t. That’s how calls and texts work. I’ve learned quite a bit about attentiveness and the like in the last year. I’ve definitely learned that if a woman wants my attention then she has to show me by giving me her time and attention too. And if she doesn’t respond then she probably isn’t interested or doesn’t wish to be bothered.

Dating has been a big topic in my social circles lately. Seems every one wants to discuss dating styles and types, and who’s dating who and how each of us goes about the dating “dance”. Ah, and it IS a fine tuned dance for sure. I don’t take dating lightly, when I probably should be more relaxed about it and just go out more often and meet some nice women. I tend to be shy meeting new people, I watch their eyes and their body language to try to start to learn about them. Do they make eye contact? Do they cross their arms across their chests in that “don’t talk to me stance”? How are they reacting with their other friends?

Problem is with ME being shy is that I often encounter the best women, the ones I am attracted to the most are also somewhat shy. Two shy don’t make a date! Eeek! I know that if I just applied myself even the slightest bit more here that I would have no problem dating, it’s just that I am so damned picky, and my being picky isn’t helping me to find a good woman to love. Back in the days when I used to drink/drug I had no problem with shyness, it goes away about drink #2 with me, but I dislike drinking too much now to use it for much. Occasionally I will have a Twisted Tea or a Hard Lemonade, but rarely do I have more than 3…that’s my limit and that’s rare that I even do that nowadays. I like having my wits about me, and I don’t like a sloppy drunk, so I don’t suppose that other women would either.

I’ve been in a pretty good mood lately actually, even though things aren’t going exactly as I wished they were, I’m in a fairly good space personally. I don’t know why, I just feel a little more relaxed inside, less anxious these past few days. I’ve been doing a lot of meditation and deep thinking…I needed to do just that, to relax and just let my thoughts carry me through a bit of a rough patch.

I’ve learned over the years that you cannot force someone to like or love you. That’s just a fact. And I’ve been on the circuit for 4 decades now, dating, long term relationships and affairs, one-nighters, and a little kink thrown in for good measure…yeah I admit it, I don’t deny that I am a sexual being at all. As a matter of fact I think sex is a wonderful thing, but it’s only part of the equation in any relationship, it’s the icing on the cake so to speak, there is just so much more to building and maintaining a good, solid relationship. Plus, I am not looking for just sex anymore, I want more than that with a woman…yes, preferably with one singular woman.

I can’t turn on my feelings and turn them off with some kind of switch. I don’t even have a 3-way bulb type setting which you might be able to turn up brighter at will and down or off at will. My heart doesn’t work on an “at will” basis at all. When I meet a woman I am interested in, it’s a funny little dance, and a scary one for me. My mind goes into the whole “what IF” mode really fast. Like what if she doesn’t like Butches? Or what if she is bi-sexual? Or what if I am not good enough? What if, what if. Then if I meet one that I really like, all hell breaks out in my head.

I get told a lot that I am good looking, that I am funny and that I am sweet, ect. I’m very flattered, but I am truly your run-of-the-mill Butch, in my opinion. There’s nothing really special about me, although I wish there were! I’m not rich, or famous, or a knight in shining armor (I really want to be that last one especially!)

Tonight I had a really nice, long talk with a very good friend (who I hope to see soon) and she helps me sort of talk through what’s going on in my head…she for some reason is a rare person that I can really feel comfortable with in discussing stuff like sex and sexual stuff. She assured me it’s not a looks thing, that I am handsome enough, just a little too shy. She’s taught me a lot in the 5+ years that we’ve known each other, and I respect her opinions very highly. But tonight she reminded me that there are billions of women in the world and a good portion of them are lesbian and eligible to date…I just need to relax and let it happen and not try to force the issue.

I find it difficult to talk about sex…and in today’s world of 2015 EVERYONE is talking about sex, and very openly and blatantly! I hear more things on TV that I would be embarrassed to say myself! I wish I were more verbal about it, then maybe I wouldn’t get myself into that vulnerable space of talking about it and I could relax. I am going to work on that for sure. For now, I am sort of enjoying my sex life vicariously through this dear friend of mine, who tells me of her awesome adventures quite frequently – and I enjoy hearing about them! So why do I find it so difficult to talk about sex myself? If I can read about it, watch it on screen, participate in it and think about it all the time…why the hell can I not verbalize my own needs comfortably and confidently? I am betting that things would be far better for me if I could. I’ve found very few women that I could be really comfortable with in discussing what I like in sex and what I don’t and the such. I do like women who will entice me to talk about sex with them, who know how to get to me. And I’m extremely good at show and tell though….that gets me by! 🙂 hahahaha

I’ve been working harder at connecting with my friends lately. I realize that I am not good at that, that I am not attentive to my friendships the way that one should be. So I’ve made a concerted effort to do just that lately. My buddy in AZ called again tonight too! It was awesome to chat with her for a half hour and catch up on the goings on in her life, and to discuss a possible visit for 2015. I’d love to see her and her hubby sometime later this summer. He has to travel in warmer weather as he’s older and the cold really bothers him. She and I share Army history together, so it’s cool that we have stayed in contact now for 35 years. And when we talk it is just like no time at all has gone by, even when it’s been maybe a year or more since our last conversation, we still pick right up where we left off. This year, I think we are both making more effort, as that’s the 3rd time we’ve talked since New Years’ Eve. And we also text occasionally and email.

It’s funny, because I think sometimes that I don’t have many friends, but in all actuality I do! They are just spread across the world and our contact is more limited to phone, texting, email and once in a while, Skype. I’ve done well thus far in 2015 in touching base with most of them. Old Army friends, childhood friends, and other friends from different times in my life, as well as today’s friends who live close by. Friendships are important, and have to be nurtured.

Newer friendships that I have made online, like my Canadian contacts…I just love them all. Not a day goes by that I don’t hear from one of them somehow. Canadians seem to be the best at communication online I’ve noticed. And they are the BEST letter writers for sure! 🙂 I have a Canadian friend who I exchange long hand-written letters with on a monthly basis usually. We both enjoy the vanishing art of writing a good letter to someone, and it’s so cool to go to the mailbox and find a nifty letter waiting among all the bills and junk mail.

I think that 2015 is going to be a good year for seeing some of these friends. I have been talking to a couple of them who wish to come up to Maine for a visit this year. And it’s looking like a good year for travel with the fuel prices being down and airfare being more reasonable as a result. I’ll be sprucing my house up for visits, making it look as nice as I can make the little box look. I wish my neighborhood were nicer, people just don’t take the care that I do with my place around here. The unit next door to mine needs to be hauled away and scrapped soon, it looks awful and is just dragging the property value of the other surrounding places down with it’s horrible condition. I don’t know HOW people LIVE in there, it must be some cold and nasty. My unit is only 18 yrs old and is in nice condition. Plus I strive to keep it really nice, I keep the yard nice, don’t let stuff build up and I keep the inside very neat and clean. It’s important to me that it be as nice as possible all the time so that it’s presentable to guests and for me to live happily in.

Ok…I will finish this long rambling blog up by saying PEACE! And everyone in the North Eastern US I hope that you are safely, and warmly, hunkered down in your homes while this wild blizzard rolls over us in the next 24 hours. I know I will be here online, writing and reading and playing on Facebook most all day unless we lose power…which I hope and pray we do not, because heat goes with power….and it will be mighty cold! If that happens I will retreat, in my 4 wheel drive SUV, to my sister’s home about 5 miles away. She has a beautiful woodstove in her nicely finished basement.

Sunday Summary

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I attended a massive family event last night.  I was pleased to notice that I am not the only LGBT person there anymore.  My family and friends circle has grown and expanded, and now there are several of us who identify along the spectrum of LGBT.  My niece and her girlfriend and their new puppy were there.  It was fun to see them, young and in love like that.  And there were others, so I wasn’t alone anymore like it used to be years back, when I was the only lesbian in the crowd.  I love that we’ve diversified like this, and that it’s such a non-event for everyone involved.  No one is treated any differently, it’s an equal-love situation for all.  It warms my heart to have such as loving group of family and friends in my life. I truly am one lucky Butch and am blessed beyond belief.

One little boy came up last night and asked the dreaded question….”are you a boy or a girl..?”  He was too young for my standard answer, so I just laughed and answered him simply.  Had he been 3 years older he would have gotten a mini lesson in gendering people so quickly.  But he was a little shit, maybe 4, with a crew cut and his little hands stuffed deep in the pockets of his little jeans.  He looked so cute, and so sincere in asking me.  It’s funny, we teach our children that there is this binary, you are either one or the other.  It was obvious in his question that he had never met anyone quite like me where I present with such androgyny that he could not tell my “real” (I use that word lightly) gender.  I could not explain “Butch” to him, or the fact that my gender lays in the gray area of the binary.  One of my nieces was there listening to he and I’s conversation, and she was snickering to beat the band. It was cute, and funny, but not all at the same time.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to identify as a transguy.  At least then I could just have told him I was a guy.  But I don’t identify as male by any means.  Our beings have 2 maps, one is the physical map of our bodies that says what gender we are, and the other is a mental map that tells us what gender we are.  For cis-gendered people the two maps line up and they instinctively know they are male or female.  It’s a no brainer.  But for us gender bending people, it’s not such an easy line up.  While my maps pretty much match, I lean way over toward the more masculine end of the binary scale.  Now that I have had my chest surgery my maps line up far more closely than before.  If I identified as male mentally that would not be the case, as I would still have body dysphoria – something that I no longer have now.  I’m fine with my body just the way it is now.  I have no wish to be male in body, or in mind.  I’m all good being my bad ass stone Butch lesbian self and walking this world just the way that I am now. I’m kind of a hybrid…the best of both worlds – and sometimes the worst..hehehe…

So, I haven’t heard from the girl I was seeing briefly for a couple of days now (the woman formerly known as Dream Girl), so I assume it’s pretty much ended with us…which kind of bums me out, but hey it’s her choice.  She told me she was just too busy and too stressed out.  But like everyone has told me repeatedly, when someone wants to be with you and likes you they make time for you regardless and if they don’t, then you don’t really matter to them.  So, if I don’t matter to her then I don’t need her in my life wasting my time and energy either.  Plus, it wasn’t like I was asking for a ton of face time either, just some daily dose of her in some ways…texts, emails, Skype…fucking something just to let me know she cared and was thinking of me occasionally would have been nice.

It’s really too bad, because I really was into this woman, and that doesn’t happen for me often.  I could have been very good for her, and we could have been good together.  But, hey, it takes two to tango.  She just didn’t want to dance.  And honestly, it takes a good B-F dance partner to handle me.  It’s not that I require a lot of maintenance, but I do expect daily communication and interaction.  Period.  Tired or not you better find time in there somewhere to be texting me and letting me know that I still matter.  Hell, my days get extremely busy too and I can find spots in there to text my love interest, no matter what, just to let her know she’s on my mind and in my thoughts daily…it’s not so hard to do.

It’s not like we were seeing a whole lot of each other anyway, so I wouldn’t really call what we had a “relationship”.  More of a sort of casual dating thing, with a little sex involved.  We actually only spent 3 times face to face together, and the rest of the time I tried to keep up via Skype, emails and texting.  But it was ME doing most of the work to keep the lines of communication open even a little bit, so I felt like in the end I was chasing a ghost for no reason.  She wasn’t responding and when she did it was short and to the point, never very affectionate at all but very cold and distant.  I was trying to get to know her better, and she was avoiding allowing me to do that.

In the end, I told her I would not chase after her anymore and if she wanted me in her life in anyway that she would have to contact me, which I truly meant.  I felt like I was a total pain in her ass with my texts.  And dammit I was nice.  I tried to leave her to her work and tried to stay low when I knew she was working or busy, but my patience was all for nothing in the end.  She didn’t even have the guts to write and tell me what the hell was going on with her or what she was thinking about us and seeing me.  She just stopped texting me, poof.

I don’t know how people can do that in life to anyone, just vanish.  It’s disrespectful, it’s gutless and it’s wrong.  I’ve never had it happen before, usually there is some final conversation or something, but hey, there’s always a first time for everything, right?  In hindsight I can see that she does have many issues, but I was there and willing to be involved nonetheless, and willing to talk to her and try to help her think stuff through…it wasn’t enough evidently.  I just wanted to get to know her much better, and see where it went from there…not such a big deal really.  She just decided not to let me in, sad, but her loss in the end I believe.  I’m definitely worth a hell of a lot more than being treated like that.

Another blogger on another blogging site, wrote recently about formerly being a “runner”, and I have spoken about this before myself.  Both me and the other blogger had similar experiences where things would become difficult in a relationship and we would run away from it instead of dealing with things maturely and head on.  I was thinking about this, in light of what’s going on in my life today, and realized that that part of me is gone too.  It’s a maturity thing I think. I’m sad to say I am finally mature enough that I understand that relationships are work and it’s not always roses.  Things can be good, bad or difficult, and you still have to work through them because running away doesn’t do a damned bit of good.  I guess we all live and learn in life, and as I get older the lessons become more clear and easier to understand.  That’s one good thing about life experience, and of changing and evolving as a person, you can look back and see your mistakes and know what not to do in the future.

Now, one of the things that I have learned as of late….do not write about who I am dating or seeing in this blog.  So this will be the end of that type of stuff.  I’m going back to keeping my intimate life very personally protected.  I used to be really good about this, but I started to write a little about my dating life recently, and I see now that it is just something I need to keep in my private blog and not in this pubic forum.  I figured I did owe my readers an end to the story of my recent escapades, since I started writing about it and know some people who follow me and are closer friends and care about what’s going on with me.  I may write about relationships and dating, but I won’t be referring to anyone in particular anymore.  It’s just not worth it and in some ways I just need to protect that aspect of my life a bit more now.  It’s all good though, I have plenty of other things to write about !   Peace.  ~MB

B-F Question…Hardest Blog I EVER wrote!

This could be the most difficult blog I have ever undertaken!  I know, right up front, that I will probably get a lot of backlash for this. The topic is VERY difficult to write about without using stereotypes and words that we don’t necessarily “like” to use, but in order to write it I could not find a way NOT to resort to using the stereotypes.  I hope you will read first, and understand I am really trying to explain MY concept of answering this often-asked question. I am not intending to insult or disrespect ANYONE in any way, shape or form.  And I have tried to very delicately explain that this is just MY take on this topic, and is NOT the rule, may not be agreeable to anyone else. I am being very basic here, believe me we ALL KNOW there’s more to it than these basics, but for the sake of writing this piece I think I have to keep it to the old basic “stereotypes” for better understanding by a wider audience, please allow me a little lee-way here!  I would LOVE to see others write about this question and how they would answer it that is different from my thoughts below.  

The last post where i posed the question about Femme-Butch dynamics and the question about “why are Femme lesbians attracted to Butch lesbians, why not just date a man?” has spurred some very interesting and varying comments and input from my readers and Youtube audience. I love it! I like hear other peoples’ opinions and what they might say in return to the same question, opposed to what I would say myself.  It’s always great to get different perspectives and angles on any subject that interests me. 

I am going to boil down my answer to the question.  

My simple answer is “Well, they are both Lesbians, and lesbians are women who are attracted and have intimate, sexual relationships with other women.”

Now the particulars are in the pudding of the question.  The “asker” (if asked seriously by someone who truly doesn’t understand the Butch-Femme relationship dynamic and is truly curious for an answer. For sake of argument imagine someone close to you, who you love and respect asking you this question in all seriousness) sees two women, one very feminine, “girly” looking, and one very masculine, rougher, “boyish” looking.  He/she wonders “why would a woman would want to be with another woman who LOOKS like a man, why not just be with a man if that’s what you like”.  It may sound screwed up to us inside the equation; those in the LGBTQ community, and especially those of us who live the Butch-Femme dynamic daily.  But let’s just look at what the “asker” is seeing and why the question isn’t always so “stupid” when asked seriously and with respect.

The “asker” sees the Butch as more of a “man” than as the woman that she truly is. Maybe it is her clothing, perhaps haircut, rougher hands, short nails, and the way she is read as very male much of the time. Maybe it’s the way she talks, the way she carries herself, that Butch swagger, the tattoos, or the steel toe boots.  Whatever the “asker” sees that leads them to wonder what woman would be attracted to a woman of Butch identity,  

This can and does confuse those who are not part of the LGBTQ community, (and even some who ARE part of our community).  What the “asker” doesn’t see are her soft heart, her compassion, her personality, the fact that she IS a woman, has female body parts and has experienced life as a woman – a Butch woman.  

The Femme she is dating embodies all of the more “Feminine” aspects of being female. She presents to the world much the same way that most non-Butch women present, as purely woman.  She may look “straight” (The old, “oh you can’t be a lesbian, you are too pretty!” scenario), may wear make up and have a well coiffed hairdo, long painted nails and wear much more colorful and stylish clothing.  

Femmes love the masculine energy of a Butch woman.  They love that she IS a woman, and that she is rough and tumble on the outside, but has a heart of gold, is caring, compassionate, tender, vulnerable to only her, and understands her in ways no other does.

As A Butch myself, I love the Feminine energy of a Femme woman. I love that she likes to look her best, not just for me, but every day when she step out that door. I love that she cries on my shoulder during sappy movies, the way her soft, smooth hand fits so good inside of my rough one.  I love the smell of her hair, she chose that scented shampoo just because she knew I would like it – and I would TELL her so.  I love that she gets honery, stomps her heels and would fight off the whole population of the women’s rest room just so I could piss in peace.  Yes, I could go on, but it’s those opposing forces that drive us as Butches and Femmes into each other’s arms.  It’s my need for Femme energy and her need for my Butch energy in the end that brings us together as a unit.

So in the end my basic answer to a serious asker, is that Femmes are attracted to the attributes of masculinity that are embodied by a Butch WOMAN.  It’s the fact that she IS a woman that is appealing in her masculinity. It’s the way she has her own style and way of carrying masculinity that particular way that she does.  It’s about 2 women loving one another, and their preference is for the more opposite of what they are themselves, because that energy appeals to them; speaks to their soul.   

Side notes:  Of course we all know that in the end relationships come down to personality and how well the two participants get along.  Over our life times our tastes go through a range of changes, morphing into new phases and new likes/dislikes along the way.  My example is me….In my 20’s I was very much looking at the prettiest girls, the “10’s” as we used to call them. I was into how a woman looked, I was young, eager and maybe a bit shallow.  At 30 I matured. Who cares about a few extra pounds anyway?  I began to date women who made me laugh, who I enjoyed the company of and who were not just arm candy.  I fell in love with a wonderful, intelligent, witty, cute and sexy woman that I would not have given a second look to at 25!  She captured my heart and soul for 14 years…At 50 I am now interested in people; yes mostly very Femme women are my preference.  But they have to be intelligent, have a great sense of humor, be tolerant, caring, compassionate, and a dozen other things that I never thought about back in the days of hunting the 10’s.  I see the inside goods as well as the wrapping, and I am most interested in a combination of the two – a woman who likes to look her best, and is smart as a whip!  (she can even OWN a whip! lol).  I don’t think about sex first anymore, I think about what we each have to offer the other in ways of partnership, companionship and THEN sex!  🙂  

 

Femmes 

Period

Writing is an outlet for me, it’s where I can just get things out of my head for a few minutes. But sometimes you have to have self-restraint, self-control and let logic play a part in your posts.  While I want go OFF I am going to let it go pretty quickly here.  I can’t allow myself to be bullied into regret.  And what I would like to post would only cause me to scold myself later, thus regret.  Yes, somethings are best left unsaid and private. This is one of those times.  And while I won’t lie down to be dragged through the mud, I will first contemplate my words so that they are clearly understood.  I hold no animosity, only sadness that some have to let their words be weapons intended to hurt and I in turn let them hurt.

Each of us, as humans, choose our own road.  No one drags us down them.  And no one can call our direction except us.  I dictate my own direction, and if I am not into something I am not going to pretend that I am and fake it…I am going to just move on, and try to do so without causing a lot of commotion while doing so. I don’t think that I owe anyone else an reason beyond the fact that I’m just not as interested as I thought I was, do I?  You know that feeling of starting something that you feel you are into, then after you do it a while you see – after further interaction – that it’s just not your cup of tea; thus you just don’t feel the need to keep doing it?  Yeah, that’s it.  That’s what happened with me, and now I am being ridiculed for my own personal feelings, and having my character attacked…that just isn’t right.  And now it’s time to just let it go.  Nothing can be un-done, nothing can be repaired, and nothing can be said that would further either side’s idea of what happened, or what is right or wrong.  Period.