Expressions of love are really sweet. I like to hear them, I think everyone who is in love likes to know what and how the other person really feels for them. Love is a bitter sweet thing, sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s rocky, but if it is really love it will endure and conquer all things in it’s path. My tat on my right inner forearm says “Love Conquers All” and I believe that it can if you let it into your life freely, and with an attentive heart; it conquers the bad and off sets negative things with the positive. When I am in love I tend to focus on the good and try to off-set any bad stuff with more good stuff. If you can do that, you have it made. If the other person doesn’t feel that same way about me then I would want to know that right up front. There’s nothing worse than being made a fool of by pouring my heart out into an empty glass, or into someone who doesn’t want me as I want them.
Everyone just wants to be someone’s special person.. I think that’s what love is somewhat about, having that special person in your life that you love and are devoted to with your heart. Everyone needs that special person and needs to be someone’s person too. Is that so hard to understand? Treat each other like you want to be treated, and magic will happen. Trust in love, let it happen and enjoy it, whether it’s for now, or forever always remains to be seen.
Being in love with someone, who is also in love with you means you can depend upon each other…. It means to me that I can trust and rely on that person to be there when I need her, and I will be there when she needs me. Needing someone else is a human need, needing love is a human need. We all need love, respect and someone we can count on to love us back as unconditionally as we love them. Someone to say good morning to, or good night to, someone to be there when you need them, someone to want, and who wants you back…
I have become, with age, a very tender hearted Butch. When I care about someone or something I tend to become very passionate about it and I tend to invest my whole heart and soul. I also pay dearly for this sometimes, I can get my feelings hurt. Butches are not supposed to have feelings like this they say…well let me tell ya, we do. We have very deep running feelings of loyalty, devotion and authenticity. I hate it when someone tries to tell me how I feel about something, like “oh no you can’t miss me, you hate me, or that (whatever it is I say) is not true” That shit drives me right up the wall. I have my own feelings and only I know what they are and what is true and what is not…and I do not lie. I am so dead up honest and up front that it’s not funny. Yet I get told that I can’t possibly feel like I do. That can be irritating and frustrating.
I am a romantic at heart. I love romance. I love to hear romance in spoken or written words. I love long talks and hand holding. Probably dumb stuff to some, but to me those are very real parts of love and relationships. Physical touching is vital when I am with someone that I love and care about. I want to touch them, and I want them to touch me. Just a slight touch on the arm can send shivers down my spine, especially if there is strong emotion behind that touch…I am not a touchy kind of person though, if I touch I mean it, I don’t just touch people for the hell of it. My touch is my gift to my person, and it’s not given away easily. I am shy, and if I adore you and want to touch you then that is something very special to me, and hopefully it would be to you too.
For example, on any given Sunday I love to watch football on television…in lieu of 50 yard line season tickets, ha!…..and I would love to one day have a person to watch that with, who will sit with me in my recliner, or lay with me on the couch while I hoot and cheer for my team, and while I maybe teach them about the game that I love so much. What a fantasy that is huh? The perfect woman for me would love doing this with me, and would look forward to our Sundays together during football season. Now, I am not without sympathy of course, if she wanted me to skip a game and take her out somewhere like on a long drive up through the mountains, or along the shore line I would most certainly skip the game for being with her in this way. See, I can be a very negotiable Butch as well. As long as we are spending our Sundays together, preparing for our week ahead, and talking about the week past perhaps…whatever we talk about will be important to me, I would love to hear her just talk; the sweet sound of her voice whispering in my ear “was that a touch down?” Intimacy is important, and sharing our thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams is all part of intimacy I think.
One day….I just might meet her again. I just might become someone’s very special person, someone’s lover and partner in life, at least for some part of my life’s journey, and hers. Nothing is promised forever, but I can not pass up right now. If we keep passing up the here and now, in lieu of finding that “perfect” person, then we could lose the here and now’s “perfect” person for us. I don’t want to lose sight of that. I have limited time on this earth; in this life, and so does everyone. I don’t want to restrict myself from having happiness and romance, and love while I can have it; while it’s possible, even if it might not be forever.
Hurt is just part of love. I have never known any love that did not have some hurt in it. Unless it was that of a beloved pet. But in romantic love hurt can come in many forms. I know that I have hurt, and I have felt hurt. But part of loving someone is to try to not let them hurt, and to be there when they do hurt, offering your shoulder to cry on and your ear to listen without judgement. We all make mistakes, take off-strides in our time together. If we let those mistakes completely ruin what could be good things, that is our own fault. It doesn’t have to. Forgiveness and understanding are very much part of love, and being in love.
I want that kind of intimacy that comes from being passionate about my partner, that connects us by us learning and knowing each other inside and out…I want the closeness of love and understanding. Understanding each other’s needs is important, you have to be in sync with each other and really care about what your partner is feeling, as well as what you are feeling. I want that sense of connection to my partner, whether it’s though face to face or by text or whatever, we have the tools today to make connections happen and last, why not use them. It is important for me to feel connected to her, and it is important to me that she feel connected to me. When you lose that sense of connection then insecurity sets in and people say and do funny things when they feel insecure. I always want my girl to feel secure in knowing how I feel about her and how much I love her.
People ask me what I am really looking for in love, well this is part of it anyway. Maybe it’s not the whole she-bang, but it’s a good start. I had to think about this for a while, and this is what I came up with for answers to some of the questions that roam around in my beany little Butch head. Yeah, I’m little. I never said I was 6′ tall or a big strapping Butch, I’m just a small, rather tough on the outside, but mushy in the middle kind of Butch. I think I am a good person, and one day things will come together for me in a romantic relationship again. I really want this to happen…I so want her in my life for as long as I can be there. I just want simple, undramatic, mutual love with the woman of my desire. I want her to listen to all of my words, not just some of them, to understand that I have the very best of intentions, and that I just need love and encouragement.
I tend to hide my fears behind my tough (yeah right!) Butch exterior. People aren’t allowed to see my fears, I pretend that I have none. I try to be the tough Butch that I have always thought that I was supposed to be. Why couldn’t I have been one of those middle of the road kinds of lesbians, that don’t find the Butch/Femme identities to be part of who they are…it would have been so much easier. But being Butch has just always been who I have identifed as, and how I feel, it’s something I understand and know. I remember hanging wiht a more generic lesbian sort of crowd in my 20’s and how I would shun the Butch label and word altogether…I remember us going to the bars and clubs, the club scene of the early 80’s was totally wild and fun. Discos in Germany and France…some wild nights in those places! It would have been so much easier to have gone through life as a more sort of middle of the pack type, but no I had to be Butch…it is just who I am and it’s come with it’s own full set of special challenges.
Butches are known to be more fearless, tough, emotionally protected and guarded. I am definitely all of those things, although I do try to step out of my comfort zone when I am comfortable enough with someone. I try to open up and not be so guarded, and sometimes that’s good and sometimes it is bad. I try to take it all in stride, and do the best that I can.
Anyway, this blog is just about love and caring and how I sometimes see things. We’re only on this planet for a very limited time, and I want to make the most of that time, with the people that I love. I may not always do it right, but hell I do try.
Have a great Saturday! ~Peace~ MB
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