Love and Caring

Expressions of love are really sweet. I like to hear them, I think everyone who is in love likes to know what and how the other person really feels for them.  Love is a bitter sweet thing, sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s rocky, but if it is really love it will endure and conquer all things in it’s path.  My tat on my right inner forearm says “Love Conquers All” and I believe that it can if you let it into your life freely, and with an attentive heart; it conquers the bad and off sets negative things with the positive.  When I am in love I tend to focus on the good and try to off-set any bad stuff with more good stuff.  If you can do that, you have it made. If the other person doesn’t feel that same way about me then I would want to know that right up front.  There’s nothing worse than being made a fool of by pouring my heart out into an empty glass, or into someone who doesn’t want me as I want them.

Everyone just wants to be someone’s special person..  I think that’s what love is somewhat about, having that special person in your life that you love and are devoted to with your heart.  Everyone needs that special person and needs to be someone’s person too.  Is that so hard to understand?  Treat each other like you want to be treated, and magic will happen.  Trust in love, let it happen and enjoy it, whether it’s for now, or forever always remains to be seen.

Being in love with someone, who is also in love with you means you can depend upon each other….  It means to me that I can trust and rely on that person to be there when I need her, and I will be there when she needs me.  Needing someone else is a human need, needing love is a human need.  We all need love, respect and someone we can count on to love us back as unconditionally as we love them.  Someone to say good morning to, or good night to, someone to be there when you need them, someone to want, and who wants you back…

I have become, with age, a very tender hearted Butch.  When I care about someone or something I tend to become very passionate about it and I tend to invest my whole heart and soul.  I also pay dearly for this sometimes, I can get my feelings hurt.  Butches are not supposed to have feelings like this they say…well let me tell ya, we do.  We have very deep running feelings of loyalty, devotion and authenticity.  I hate it when someone tries to tell me how feel about something, like “oh no you can’t miss me, you hate me, or that (whatever it is I say) is not true”  That shit drives me right up the wall.  I have my own feelings and only I know what they are and what is true and what is not…and I do not lie.  I am so dead up honest and up front that it’s not funny. Yet I get told that I can’t possibly feel like I do.  That can be irritating and frustrating.

I am a romantic at heart.  I love romance. I love to hear romance in spoken or written words.  I love long talks and hand holding.  Probably dumb stuff to some, but to me those are very real parts of love and relationships.  Physical touching is vital when I am with someone that I love and care about.  I want to touch them, and I want them to touch me.  Just a slight touch on the arm can send shivers down my spine, especially if there is strong emotion behind that touch…I am not a touchy kind of person though, if I touch I mean it, I don’t just touch people for the hell of it.  My touch is my gift to my person, and it’s not given away easily.  I am shy, and if I adore you and want to touch you then that is something very special to me, and hopefully it would be to you too.

For example, on any given Sunday I love to watch football on television…in lieu of 50 yard line season tickets, ha!…..and I would love to one day have a person to watch that with, who will sit with me in my recliner, or lay with me on the couch while I hoot and cheer for my team, and while I maybe teach them about the game that I love so much.  What a fantasy that is huh?  The perfect woman for me would love doing this with me, and would look forward to our Sundays together during football season.  Now, I am not without sympathy of course, if she wanted me to skip a game and take her out somewhere like on a long drive up through the mountains, or along the shore line I would most certainly skip the game for being with her in this way.  See, I can be a very negotiable Butch as well.  As long as we are spending our Sundays together, preparing for our week ahead, and talking about the week past perhaps…whatever we talk about will be important to me, I would love to hear her just talk; the sweet sound of her voice whispering in my ear “was that a touch down?”  Intimacy is important, and sharing our thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams is all part of intimacy I think.

One day….I just might meet her again. I just might become someone’s very special person, someone’s lover and partner in life, at least for some part of my life’s journey, and hers.  Nothing is promised forever, but I can not pass up right now.  If we keep passing up the here and now, in lieu of finding that “perfect” person, then we could lose the here and now’s “perfect” person for us.  I don’t want to lose sight of that.  I have limited time on this earth; in this life, and so does everyone.  I don’t want to restrict myself from having happiness and romance, and love while I can have it; while it’s possible, even if it might not be forever.

Hurt is just part of love.  I have never known any love that did not have some hurt in it.  Unless it was that of a beloved pet.  But in romantic love hurt can come in many forms.  I know that I have hurt, and I have felt hurt. But part of loving someone is to try to not let them hurt, and to be there when they do hurt, offering your shoulder to cry on and your ear to listen without judgement.  We all make mistakes, take off-strides in our time together.  If we let those mistakes completely ruin what could be good things, that is our own fault.  It doesn’t have to. Forgiveness and understanding are very much  part of love, and being in love.

I want that kind of intimacy that comes from being passionate about my partner, that connects us by us learning and knowing each other inside and out…I want the closeness of love and understanding.  Understanding each other’s needs is important, you have to be in sync with each other and really care about what your partner is feeling, as well as what you are feeling.  I want that sense of connection to my partner, whether it’s though face to face or by text or whatever, we have the tools today to make connections happen and last, why not use them.  It is important for me to feel connected to her, and it is important to me that she feel connected to me.  When you lose that sense of connection then insecurity sets in and people say and do funny things when they feel insecure.  I always want my girl to feel secure in knowing how I feel about her and how much I love her.

People ask me what I am really looking for in love, well this is part of it anyway.  Maybe it’s not the whole she-bang, but it’s a good start.  I had to think about this for a while, and this is what I came up with for answers to some of the questions that roam around in my beany little Butch head.  Yeah, I’m little.  I never said I was 6′ tall or a big strapping Butch, I’m just a small, rather tough on the outside, but mushy in the middle kind of Butch.  I think I am a good person, and one day things will come together for me in a romantic relationship again.  I really want this to happen…I so want her in my life for as long as I can be there.  I just want simple, undramatic, mutual love with the woman of my desire.  I want her to listen to all of my words, not just some of them, to understand that I have the very best of intentions, and that I just need love and encouragement.

I tend to hide my fears behind my tough (yeah right!) Butch exterior.  People aren’t allowed to see my fears, I pretend that I have none.  I try to be the tough Butch that I have always thought that I was supposed to be.  Why couldn’t I have been one of those middle of the road kinds of lesbians, that don’t find the Butch/Femme identities to be part of who they are…it would have been so much easier.  But being Butch has just always been who I have identifed as, and how I feel, it’s something I understand and know.  I remember hanging wiht a more generic lesbian sort of crowd in my 20’s and how I would shun the Butch label and word altogether…I remember us going to the bars and clubs, the club scene of the early 80’s was totally wild and fun.  Discos in Germany and France…some wild nights in those places!  It would have been so much easier to have gone through life as a more sort of middle of the pack type, but no I had to be Butch…it is just who I am and it’s come with it’s own full set of special challenges.

Butches are known to be more fearless, tough, emotionally protected and guarded.  I am definitely all of those things, although I do try to step out of my comfort zone when I am comfortable enough with someone.   I try to open up and not be so guarded, and sometimes that’s good and sometimes it is bad. I try to take it all in stride, and do the best that I can.

Anyway, this blog is just about love and caring and how I sometimes see things.  We’re only on this planet for a very limited time, and I want to make the most of that time, with the people that I love.  I may not always do it right, but hell I do try.

Have a great Saturday!  ~Peace~  MB

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Sunday Summary

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I attended a massive family event last night.  I was pleased to notice that I am not the only LGBT person there anymore.  My family and friends circle has grown and expanded, and now there are several of us who identify along the spectrum of LGBT.  My niece and her girlfriend and their new puppy were there.  It was fun to see them, young and in love like that.  And there were others, so I wasn’t alone anymore like it used to be years back, when I was the only lesbian in the crowd.  I love that we’ve diversified like this, and that it’s such a non-event for everyone involved.  No one is treated any differently, it’s an equal-love situation for all.  It warms my heart to have such as loving group of family and friends in my life. I truly am one lucky Butch and am blessed beyond belief.

One little boy came up last night and asked the dreaded question….”are you a boy or a girl..?”  He was too young for my standard answer, so I just laughed and answered him simply.  Had he been 3 years older he would have gotten a mini lesson in gendering people so quickly.  But he was a little shit, maybe 4, with a crew cut and his little hands stuffed deep in the pockets of his little jeans.  He looked so cute, and so sincere in asking me.  It’s funny, we teach our children that there is this binary, you are either one or the other.  It was obvious in his question that he had never met anyone quite like me where I present with such androgyny that he could not tell my “real” (I use that word lightly) gender.  I could not explain “Butch” to him, or the fact that my gender lays in the gray area of the binary.  One of my nieces was there listening to he and I’s conversation, and she was snickering to beat the band. It was cute, and funny, but not all at the same time.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to identify as a transguy.  At least then I could just have told him I was a guy.  But I don’t identify as male by any means.  Our beings have 2 maps, one is the physical map of our bodies that says what gender we are, and the other is a mental map that tells us what gender we are.  For cis-gendered people the two maps line up and they instinctively know they are male or female.  It’s a no brainer.  But for us gender bending people, it’s not such an easy line up.  While my maps pretty much match, I lean way over toward the more masculine end of the binary scale.  Now that I have had my chest surgery my maps line up far more closely than before.  If I identified as male mentally that would not be the case, as I would still have body dysphoria – something that I no longer have now.  I’m fine with my body just the way it is now.  I have no wish to be male in body, or in mind.  I’m all good being my bad ass stone Butch lesbian self and walking this world just the way that I am now. I’m kind of a hybrid…the best of both worlds – and sometimes the worst..hehehe…

So, I haven’t heard from the girl I was seeing briefly for a couple of days now (the woman formerly known as Dream Girl), so I assume it’s pretty much ended with us…which kind of bums me out, but hey it’s her choice.  She told me she was just too busy and too stressed out.  But like everyone has told me repeatedly, when someone wants to be with you and likes you they make time for you regardless and if they don’t, then you don’t really matter to them.  So, if I don’t matter to her then I don’t need her in my life wasting my time and energy either.  Plus, it wasn’t like I was asking for a ton of face time either, just some daily dose of her in some ways…texts, emails, Skype…fucking something just to let me know she cared and was thinking of me occasionally would have been nice.

It’s really too bad, because I really was into this woman, and that doesn’t happen for me often.  I could have been very good for her, and we could have been good together.  But, hey, it takes two to tango.  She just didn’t want to dance.  And honestly, it takes a good B-F dance partner to handle me.  It’s not that I require a lot of maintenance, but I do expect daily communication and interaction.  Period.  Tired or not you better find time in there somewhere to be texting me and letting me know that I still matter.  Hell, my days get extremely busy too and I can find spots in there to text my love interest, no matter what, just to let her know she’s on my mind and in my thoughts daily…it’s not so hard to do.

It’s not like we were seeing a whole lot of each other anyway, so I wouldn’t really call what we had a “relationship”.  More of a sort of casual dating thing, with a little sex involved.  We actually only spent 3 times face to face together, and the rest of the time I tried to keep up via Skype, emails and texting.  But it was ME doing most of the work to keep the lines of communication open even a little bit, so I felt like in the end I was chasing a ghost for no reason.  She wasn’t responding and when she did it was short and to the point, never very affectionate at all but very cold and distant.  I was trying to get to know her better, and she was avoiding allowing me to do that.

In the end, I told her I would not chase after her anymore and if she wanted me in her life in anyway that she would have to contact me, which I truly meant.  I felt like I was a total pain in her ass with my texts.  And dammit I was nice.  I tried to leave her to her work and tried to stay low when I knew she was working or busy, but my patience was all for nothing in the end.  She didn’t even have the guts to write and tell me what the hell was going on with her or what she was thinking about us and seeing me.  She just stopped texting me, poof.

I don’t know how people can do that in life to anyone, just vanish.  It’s disrespectful, it’s gutless and it’s wrong.  I’ve never had it happen before, usually there is some final conversation or something, but hey, there’s always a first time for everything, right?  In hindsight I can see that she does have many issues, but I was there and willing to be involved nonetheless, and willing to talk to her and try to help her think stuff through…it wasn’t enough evidently.  I just wanted to get to know her much better, and see where it went from there…not such a big deal really.  She just decided not to let me in, sad, but her loss in the end I believe.  I’m definitely worth a hell of a lot more than being treated like that.

Another blogger on another blogging site, wrote recently about formerly being a “runner”, and I have spoken about this before myself.  Both me and the other blogger had similar experiences where things would become difficult in a relationship and we would run away from it instead of dealing with things maturely and head on.  I was thinking about this, in light of what’s going on in my life today, and realized that that part of me is gone too.  It’s a maturity thing I think. I’m sad to say I am finally mature enough that I understand that relationships are work and it’s not always roses.  Things can be good, bad or difficult, and you still have to work through them because running away doesn’t do a damned bit of good.  I guess we all live and learn in life, and as I get older the lessons become more clear and easier to understand.  That’s one good thing about life experience, and of changing and evolving as a person, you can look back and see your mistakes and know what not to do in the future.

Now, one of the things that I have learned as of late….do not write about who I am dating or seeing in this blog.  So this will be the end of that type of stuff.  I’m going back to keeping my intimate life very personally protected.  I used to be really good about this, but I started to write a little about my dating life recently, and I see now that it is just something I need to keep in my private blog and not in this pubic forum.  I figured I did owe my readers an end to the story of my recent escapades, since I started writing about it and know some people who follow me and are closer friends and care about what’s going on with me.  I may write about relationships and dating, but I won’t be referring to anyone in particular anymore.  It’s just not worth it and in some ways I just need to protect that aspect of my life a bit more now.  It’s all good though, I have plenty of other things to write about !   Peace.  ~MB

Wants and Needs….What I Want

For the most part I enjoy my alone time, what I don’t enjoy is the feeling of being “lonely” that sometimes creeps in to the back of my brain; that feeling that it would be so nice to have someone special to share lives with on a daily basis.  I know that means relationship, but perhaps that is what I am now more looking for is a more serious relationship.  One where someone in this universe cares about me the same way I care about them.   One where I can wake up in the morning with the peace of knowing I am loved.  Even if I don’t wake up next to her, at least I know she’d be waking up thinking of me.

I know I have many friends and family that do love me, but that’s just not the same.  I’m looking for someone who will love me but who will also challenge me to be that best person that I can be every day.  Someone who can depend on me to always have both of our best interests in mind.

Someone challenged me recently to describe my perfect mate.  It’s not an easy task if you are honest with yourself, this person told me.  Sure there are all of the normal prerequisites that the brain comes up with instantaneously like “oh she should be pretty” (a relative thing, as pretty to me can be homely to another, and visa versa).  It’s all the little things about a person that solidifies an attraction in the long run.

When you meet someone you are attracted to the immediate emotion is lust. It’s true, without lust you can never move on to love.  And lust turns into love somewhere along the way.

So, she is someone who looks decent I mean she does not have to be strikingly beautiful, but she has to take care of herself;  someone who cares that she looks good to the world every day, and I don’t mean make up and high-maintenance type, but more just looks good; is clean and presentable and cares that she presents well to others.  Her style should be her own, and she should be comfortable in it.  A woman who takes care of herself to look good is a real turn on to me.  I’ve been with stunners and I’ve been with average looking women, as long as they care about how they present I find them sexy.

She is well mannered, compassionate, kind and considerate of others, and an animal lover.

She has a fun personality and a good sense of humor, but not be a push-over either. I want to be challenged with good conversation and interactions. She does not need to agree with me, needs to not be combative and must be the type who can agree to disagree when we come to those spots.

I enjoy a woman who can handle herself in business/work and come home and not bring too much of that stress with her when she is off work.  I want to know that when we are together that her focus is on me and us being together.

She will be a great kisser, kissing is important.  Without a good kiss we are not going anywhere.

She will be loyal to herself, to her friends and to me if we are in a relationship.

She will respect that I sometimes need my own time alone, as does she, to do our own things

She will have her own friends and enjoy them as I enjoy mine.

She will enjoy sex, is sexy and will be playful and fun in bed.  She also has to understand my stone Butch boundaries and my vulnerabilities.

She will be a good communicator, she’ll want to talk to me, to connect with me as much as possible and to let me know that I am in her thoughts even when we are apart.

She will have the fortitude not to give up when the going gets rough, and the tenacity to stick with things to see them through.

She will not be super jealous, and will trust me that I will be loyal and faithful to her alone.

Other good qualities she will have : Respectful, Responsible, Attentive, Creative, Intellectual, Charitable, Inquisitive, Adventurous, Flexible, Discreet, Honorable – SPONTANEOUS

Obviously she exists only in my fantasies.

I thought I had found this recently…but it turns out we come off to her as “oil and water” and we all know those two don’t mix well.  Probably because they are two different substances, with two different chemical make ups – oddly, just like Butch and Femme.  They’re not suppose to mix, but to compliment one another with their differences. Whats more I think it’s more that she needs someone who has the money to travel with her, and who needs less attention than I require.  I didn’t realize that I required attention, but I do I guess, I like to hear from my girl often, and that means attention.  I like to know I matter. It’s too bad because we did make a really good couple and I think we could have had a lot of great times together.  Of course, I have my hope in the back of my mind that somehow I’ll see her again and maybe we could work it out….but not going to get my hopes up too much on that one.  I need her to take care of herself and make sure she’s doing what makes her happiest and keeps her healthiest in her life.  If I am not to be part of that then I understand and will dutifully stay out of the way.  I’m not one to stalk a woman, or try to “make” her love me, that never works, she has to come to me of her own volition.  I will not force the issue because that can only cause resentment and ill feelings.  And I’m not getting on anyone’s crazy list.

If I wanted to be with someone like myself I would choose to date other masculine identified people, but I do not wish to do that because I am looking for my opposite; my complementing Femme.  (Note: *I was asked to write on Butch-Butch relationships, but I know nothing about them, thus it’s not my place to reflect upon that dynamic)

It sucks sometimes being in a more suburban to rural area and trying to meet other lesbian women.  And when you add in the Butch-Femme dynamics that I so thrive on it narrows the field even further, to a pretty slim pickings, so to speak, here in Maine  And I am not a bar crawler by any means, I despise the bar scene and it’s meat market atmosphere. Any woman you can hook-up with at a bar is just that, a bar hook-up and not someone with any substance like I am seeking. I like good girls, and good girls don’t hang out in bars and clubs.  But with the introduction of internet as a meeting place we can expand the field a bit, but still I would like to find someone in my geographical area – at least withing what I call “striking distance”, like a few hours drive.  I’m too old to be jacking up my world and moving for love at this point in my life. I want to stay in Maine, close to my aging parents, and finish the job here.  That doesn’t mean I won’t travel or one day move again, but right now I want to stay close to here.

I think it may be time for me to broaden my sights to those who don’t use the label Femme.  There are many very good women out there who choose not to use it and who are more feminine than I am, who would be awesome to date.  Having seriously only dated women who identified as Femme in the last several years, perhaps I am missing out on finding the right woman by being too narrow in my thinking on this.

I’m 52 and I don’t want to go through the next 5 years like I went through the last 5, without a good, steady love interest in my life; someone who cares about where I am and what I am doing days.  Someone to spend time with, eventually to come home to at night even, and to eat meals with and to discuss our days together.  Someone to go cruising thorugh the mountains with on a bright Fall day, or to walk the beach with on a nice moonlit night (like last night was).  I don’t want to continue to miss out on all those things forever. And as the days of life tick, tick, tick by the time to find her is getting shorter.  I don’t want to continue to waste time.

I don’t think I am asking for much.  My friend informs me that 85% of the world meets my requirements, that I’m not looking for anything special…but I am.  I just wonder where that 85% lives!  Cuz they are not showing themselves in my world.  People think that because of my internet presence I have all these women vying for my attention…this is not true.  I get an occasional inquirey, yes, but I am very shy and I generally do not respond to them.  It takes someone who meets my age criteria (30+) and who is in the geographical area, and who strikes my fancy somehow to get my attention.

What do I bring to the table to offer a woman?  Love. Plus many of the things I described above that I look for in a potential partner, I also bring to the table myself.  I’m decent looking, take care of myself and I can be fiercely passionate, a good and attentive lover, very gentle and compassionate, patient and kind.  I am honest to a fault, I tell it like it is.  I’ve been working on my emotional communication a lot, and I’m much better than I ever was with it.  I treat a woman with respect and appreciation.  I can be a romantic if I am allowed to be so.  I’ll send flowers, cards, and leave little notes, and do all that mushy stuff…yes, I can be a very hopeless romantic.

My faults?  I can have a bit of a temper.  When I disagree or am upset by something I have to practice some serious self-control not to be mean.  And I am told that I can be mean.  I hate games, I hate roller coaster rides.  I don’t like being toyed with or played.  No one does, but I am particularly sensitive to those things.  My temper is very even keeled for the most part and it does take a lot to get me angry.  But like anyone, I can be hurt pretty easily I find.

I don’t write this because I am looking for anyone right now.  I just have this in my head over what’s gone on in my life over these last few days and thought I would write it down.  I’m all good with being alone at the time being, but I’m open also to opportunity when it presents itself.  I wrote this down for myself, so I can go back and see it in writing and know if I am on the right track in the future.

Period

Writing is an outlet for me, it’s where I can just get things out of my head for a few minutes. But sometimes you have to have self-restraint, self-control and let logic play a part in your posts.  While I want go OFF I am going to let it go pretty quickly here.  I can’t allow myself to be bullied into regret.  And what I would like to post would only cause me to scold myself later, thus regret.  Yes, somethings are best left unsaid and private. This is one of those times.  And while I won’t lie down to be dragged through the mud, I will first contemplate my words so that they are clearly understood.  I hold no animosity, only sadness that some have to let their words be weapons intended to hurt and I in turn let them hurt.

Each of us, as humans, choose our own road.  No one drags us down them.  And no one can call our direction except us.  I dictate my own direction, and if I am not into something I am not going to pretend that I am and fake it…I am going to just move on, and try to do so without causing a lot of commotion while doing so. I don’t think that I owe anyone else an reason beyond the fact that I’m just not as interested as I thought I was, do I?  You know that feeling of starting something that you feel you are into, then after you do it a while you see – after further interaction – that it’s just not your cup of tea; thus you just don’t feel the need to keep doing it?  Yeah, that’s it.  That’s what happened with me, and now I am being ridiculed for my own personal feelings, and having my character attacked…that just isn’t right.  And now it’s time to just let it go.  Nothing can be un-done, nothing can be repaired, and nothing can be said that would further either side’s idea of what happened, or what is right or wrong.  Period.