Love and Caring

Expressions of love are really sweet. I like to hear them, I think everyone who is in love likes to know what and how the other person really feels for them.  Love is a bitter sweet thing, sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s rocky, but if it is really love it will endure and conquer all things in it’s path.  My tat on my right inner forearm says “Love Conquers All” and I believe that it can if you let it into your life freely, and with an attentive heart; it conquers the bad and off sets negative things with the positive.  When I am in love I tend to focus on the good and try to off-set any bad stuff with more good stuff.  If you can do that, you have it made. If the other person doesn’t feel that same way about me then I would want to know that right up front.  There’s nothing worse than being made a fool of by pouring my heart out into an empty glass, or into someone who doesn’t want me as I want them.

Everyone just wants to be someone’s special person..  I think that’s what love is somewhat about, having that special person in your life that you love and are devoted to with your heart.  Everyone needs that special person and needs to be someone’s person too.  Is that so hard to understand?  Treat each other like you want to be treated, and magic will happen.  Trust in love, let it happen and enjoy it, whether it’s for now, or forever always remains to be seen.

Being in love with someone, who is also in love with you means you can depend upon each other….  It means to me that I can trust and rely on that person to be there when I need her, and I will be there when she needs me.  Needing someone else is a human need, needing love is a human need.  We all need love, respect and someone we can count on to love us back as unconditionally as we love them.  Someone to say good morning to, or good night to, someone to be there when you need them, someone to want, and who wants you back…

I have become, with age, a very tender hearted Butch.  When I care about someone or something I tend to become very passionate about it and I tend to invest my whole heart and soul.  I also pay dearly for this sometimes, I can get my feelings hurt.  Butches are not supposed to have feelings like this they say…well let me tell ya, we do.  We have very deep running feelings of loyalty, devotion and authenticity.  I hate it when someone tries to tell me how I feel about something, like “oh no you can’t miss me, you hate me, or that (whatever it is I say) is not true”  That shit drives me right up the wall.  I have my own feelings and only I know what they are and what is true and what is not…and I do not lie.  I am so dead up honest and up front that it’s not funny. Yet I get told that I can’t possibly feel like I do.  That can be irritating and frustrating.

I am a romantic at heart.  I love romance. I love to hear romance in spoken or written words.  I love long talks and hand holding.  Probably dumb stuff to some, but to me those are very real parts of love and relationships.  Physical touching is vital when I am with someone that I love and care about.  I want to touch them, and I want them to touch me.  Just a slight touch on the arm can send shivers down my spine, especially if there is strong emotion behind that touch…I am not a touchy kind of person though, if I touch I mean it, I don’t just touch people for the hell of it.  My touch is my gift to my person, and it’s not given away easily.  I am shy, and if I adore you and want to touch you then that is something very special to me, and hopefully it would be to you too.

For example, on any given Sunday I love to watch football on television…in lieu of 50 yard line season tickets, ha!…..and I would love to one day have a person to watch that with, who will sit with me in my recliner, or lay with me on the couch while I hoot and cheer for my team, and while I maybe teach them about the game that I love so much.  What a fantasy that is huh?  The perfect woman for me would love doing this with me, and would look forward to our Sundays together during football season.  Now, I am not without sympathy of course, if she wanted me to skip a game and take her out somewhere like on a long drive up through the mountains, or along the shore line I would most certainly skip the game for being with her in this way.  See, I can be a very negotiable Butch as well.  As long as we are spending our Sundays together, preparing for our week ahead, and talking about the week past perhaps…whatever we talk about will be important to me, I would love to hear her just talk; the sweet sound of her voice whispering in my ear “was that a touch down?”  Intimacy is important, and sharing our thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams is all part of intimacy I think.

One day….I just might meet her again. I just might become someone’s very special person, someone’s lover and partner in life, at least for some part of my life’s journey, and hers.  Nothing is promised forever, but I can not pass up right now.  If we keep passing up the here and now, in lieu of finding that “perfect” person, then we could lose the here and now’s “perfect” person for us.  I don’t want to lose sight of that.  I have limited time on this earth; in this life, and so does everyone.  I don’t want to restrict myself from having happiness and romance, and love while I can have it; while it’s possible, even if it might not be forever.

Hurt is just part of love.  I have never known any love that did not have some hurt in it.  Unless it was that of a beloved pet.  But in romantic love hurt can come in many forms.  I know that I have hurt, and I have felt hurt. But part of loving someone is to try to not let them hurt, and to be there when they do hurt, offering your shoulder to cry on and your ear to listen without judgement.  We all make mistakes, take off-strides in our time together.  If we let those mistakes completely ruin what could be good things, that is our own fault.  It doesn’t have to. Forgiveness and understanding are very much  part of love, and being in love.

I want that kind of intimacy that comes from being passionate about my partner, that connects us by us learning and knowing each other inside and out…I want the closeness of love and understanding.  Understanding each other’s needs is important, you have to be in sync with each other and really care about what your partner is feeling, as well as what you are feeling.  I want that sense of connection to my partner, whether it’s though face to face or by text or whatever, we have the tools today to make connections happen and last, why not use them.  It is important for me to feel connected to her, and it is important to me that she feel connected to me.  When you lose that sense of connection then insecurity sets in and people say and do funny things when they feel insecure.  I always want my girl to feel secure in knowing how I feel about her and how much I love her.

People ask me what I am really looking for in love, well this is part of it anyway.  Maybe it’s not the whole she-bang, but it’s a good start.  I had to think about this for a while, and this is what I came up with for answers to some of the questions that roam around in my beany little Butch head.  Yeah, I’m little.  I never said I was 6′ tall or a big strapping Butch, I’m just a small, rather tough on the outside, but mushy in the middle kind of Butch.  I think I am a good person, and one day things will come together for me in a romantic relationship again.  I really want this to happen…I so want her in my life for as long as I can be there.  I just want simple, undramatic, mutual love with the woman of my desire.  I want her to listen to all of my words, not just some of them, to understand that I have the very best of intentions, and that I just need love and encouragement.

I tend to hide my fears behind my tough (yeah right!) Butch exterior.  People aren’t allowed to see my fears, I pretend that I have none.  I try to be the tough Butch that I have always thought that I was supposed to be.  Why couldn’t I have been one of those middle of the road kinds of lesbians, that don’t find the Butch/Femme identities to be part of who they are…it would have been so much easier.  But being Butch has just always been who I have identifed as, and how I feel, it’s something I understand and know.  I remember hanging wiht a more generic lesbian sort of crowd in my 20’s and how I would shun the Butch label and word altogether…I remember us going to the bars and clubs, the club scene of the early 80’s was totally wild and fun.  Discos in Germany and France…some wild nights in those places!  It would have been so much easier to have gone through life as a more sort of middle of the pack type, but no I had to be Butch…it is just who I am and it’s come with it’s own full set of special challenges.

Butches are known to be more fearless, tough, emotionally protected and guarded.  I am definitely all of those things, although I do try to step out of my comfort zone when I am comfortable enough with someone.   I try to open up and not be so guarded, and sometimes that’s good and sometimes it is bad. I try to take it all in stride, and do the best that I can.

Anyway, this blog is just about love and caring and how I sometimes see things.  We’re only on this planet for a very limited time, and I want to make the most of that time, with the people that I love.  I may not always do it right, but hell I do try.

Have a great Saturday!  ~Peace~  MB

Wants and Needs….What I Want

For the most part I enjoy my alone time, what I don’t enjoy is the feeling of being “lonely” that sometimes creeps in to the back of my brain; that feeling that it would be so nice to have someone special to share lives with on a daily basis.  I know that means relationship, but perhaps that is what I am now more looking for is a more serious relationship.  One where someone in this universe cares about me the same way I care about them.   One where I can wake up in the morning with the peace of knowing I am loved.  Even if I don’t wake up next to her, at least I know she’d be waking up thinking of me.

I know I have many friends and family that do love me, but that’s just not the same.  I’m looking for someone who will love me but who will also challenge me to be that best person that I can be every day.  Someone who can depend on me to always have both of our best interests in mind.

Someone challenged me recently to describe my perfect mate.  It’s not an easy task if you are honest with yourself, this person told me.  Sure there are all of the normal prerequisites that the brain comes up with instantaneously like “oh she should be pretty” (a relative thing, as pretty to me can be homely to another, and visa versa).  It’s all the little things about a person that solidifies an attraction in the long run.

When you meet someone you are attracted to the immediate emotion is lust. It’s true, without lust you can never move on to love.  And lust turns into love somewhere along the way.

So, she is someone who looks decent I mean she does not have to be strikingly beautiful, but she has to take care of herself;  someone who cares that she looks good to the world every day, and I don’t mean make up and high-maintenance type, but more just looks good; is clean and presentable and cares that she presents well to others.  Her style should be her own, and she should be comfortable in it.  A woman who takes care of herself to look good is a real turn on to me.  I’ve been with stunners and I’ve been with average looking women, as long as they care about how they present I find them sexy.

She is well mannered, compassionate, kind and considerate of others, and an animal lover.

She has a fun personality and a good sense of humor, but not be a push-over either. I want to be challenged with good conversation and interactions. She does not need to agree with me, needs to not be combative and must be the type who can agree to disagree when we come to those spots.

I enjoy a woman who can handle herself in business/work and come home and not bring too much of that stress with her when she is off work.  I want to know that when we are together that her focus is on me and us being together.

She will be a great kisser, kissing is important.  Without a good kiss we are not going anywhere.

She will be loyal to herself, to her friends and to me if we are in a relationship.

She will respect that I sometimes need my own time alone, as does she, to do our own things

She will have her own friends and enjoy them as I enjoy mine.

She will enjoy sex, is sexy and will be playful and fun in bed.  She also has to understand my stone Butch boundaries and my vulnerabilities.

She will be a good communicator, she’ll want to talk to me, to connect with me as much as possible and to let me know that I am in her thoughts even when we are apart.

She will have the fortitude not to give up when the going gets rough, and the tenacity to stick with things to see them through.

She will not be super jealous, and will trust me that I will be loyal and faithful to her alone.

Other good qualities she will have : Respectful, Responsible, Attentive, Creative, Intellectual, Charitable, Inquisitive, Adventurous, Flexible, Discreet, Honorable – SPONTANEOUS

Obviously she exists only in my fantasies.

I thought I had found this recently…but it turns out we come off to her as “oil and water” and we all know those two don’t mix well.  Probably because they are two different substances, with two different chemical make ups – oddly, just like Butch and Femme.  They’re not suppose to mix, but to compliment one another with their differences. Whats more I think it’s more that she needs someone who has the money to travel with her, and who needs less attention than I require.  I didn’t realize that I required attention, but I do I guess, I like to hear from my girl often, and that means attention.  I like to know I matter. It’s too bad because we did make a really good couple and I think we could have had a lot of great times together.  Of course, I have my hope in the back of my mind that somehow I’ll see her again and maybe we could work it out….but not going to get my hopes up too much on that one.  I need her to take care of herself and make sure she’s doing what makes her happiest and keeps her healthiest in her life.  If I am not to be part of that then I understand and will dutifully stay out of the way.  I’m not one to stalk a woman, or try to “make” her love me, that never works, she has to come to me of her own volition.  I will not force the issue because that can only cause resentment and ill feelings.  And I’m not getting on anyone’s crazy list.

If I wanted to be with someone like myself I would choose to date other masculine identified people, but I do not wish to do that because I am looking for my opposite; my complementing Femme.  (Note: *I was asked to write on Butch-Butch relationships, but I know nothing about them, thus it’s not my place to reflect upon that dynamic)

It sucks sometimes being in a more suburban to rural area and trying to meet other lesbian women.  And when you add in the Butch-Femme dynamics that I so thrive on it narrows the field even further, to a pretty slim pickings, so to speak, here in Maine  And I am not a bar crawler by any means, I despise the bar scene and it’s meat market atmosphere. Any woman you can hook-up with at a bar is just that, a bar hook-up and not someone with any substance like I am seeking. I like good girls, and good girls don’t hang out in bars and clubs.  But with the introduction of internet as a meeting place we can expand the field a bit, but still I would like to find someone in my geographical area – at least withing what I call “striking distance”, like a few hours drive.  I’m too old to be jacking up my world and moving for love at this point in my life. I want to stay in Maine, close to my aging parents, and finish the job here.  That doesn’t mean I won’t travel or one day move again, but right now I want to stay close to here.

I think it may be time for me to broaden my sights to those who don’t use the label Femme.  There are many very good women out there who choose not to use it and who are more feminine than I am, who would be awesome to date.  Having seriously only dated women who identified as Femme in the last several years, perhaps I am missing out on finding the right woman by being too narrow in my thinking on this.

I’m 52 and I don’t want to go through the next 5 years like I went through the last 5, without a good, steady love interest in my life; someone who cares about where I am and what I am doing days.  Someone to spend time with, eventually to come home to at night even, and to eat meals with and to discuss our days together.  Someone to go cruising thorugh the mountains with on a bright Fall day, or to walk the beach with on a nice moonlit night (like last night was).  I don’t want to continue to miss out on all those things forever. And as the days of life tick, tick, tick by the time to find her is getting shorter.  I don’t want to continue to waste time.

I don’t think I am asking for much.  My friend informs me that 85% of the world meets my requirements, that I’m not looking for anything special…but I am.  I just wonder where that 85% lives!  Cuz they are not showing themselves in my world.  People think that because of my internet presence I have all these women vying for my attention…this is not true.  I get an occasional inquirey, yes, but I am very shy and I generally do not respond to them.  It takes someone who meets my age criteria (30+) and who is in the geographical area, and who strikes my fancy somehow to get my attention.

What do I bring to the table to offer a woman?  Love. Plus many of the things I described above that I look for in a potential partner, I also bring to the table myself.  I’m decent looking, take care of myself and I can be fiercely passionate, a good and attentive lover, very gentle and compassionate, patient and kind.  I am honest to a fault, I tell it like it is.  I’ve been working on my emotional communication a lot, and I’m much better than I ever was with it.  I treat a woman with respect and appreciation.  I can be a romantic if I am allowed to be so.  I’ll send flowers, cards, and leave little notes, and do all that mushy stuff…yes, I can be a very hopeless romantic.

My faults?  I can have a bit of a temper.  When I disagree or am upset by something I have to practice some serious self-control not to be mean.  And I am told that I can be mean.  I hate games, I hate roller coaster rides.  I don’t like being toyed with or played.  No one does, but I am particularly sensitive to those things.  My temper is very even keeled for the most part and it does take a lot to get me angry.  But like anyone, I can be hurt pretty easily I find.

I don’t write this because I am looking for anyone right now.  I just have this in my head over what’s gone on in my life over these last few days and thought I would write it down.  I’m all good with being alone at the time being, but I’m open also to opportunity when it presents itself.  I wrote this down for myself, so I can go back and see it in writing and know if I am on the right track in the future.

Approval of Others….Or Truth of Self?

Would you rather live life according to the approval of others or aligned with your truths and your dreams?

Inadvertently we all start out in this world in the way of living according to the approval of others; it’s called childhood.  We are dressed to the approval of our parents – or grandparents – and fed what they figure we should be eating to quickly grow the hell up and move out of their houses!  For some futures are laid out in details; you will attend this particular college, study this certain course of study, go on to become a professional in your field or you’ll follow in your Father’s footsteps and take over the family business.  Parents’ attempts at living our dreams and wants vicariously through their offspring is epic.

There’s always those who parents throw their hands up in the air and give up on though.  These particular kids don’t want or intend to conform to Mommy  and Daddy’s wishes  – ever.  I know because I was one of those kids.  Whatever my parents wanted, somehow I wanted the exact opposite.  At least it always seemed that way.

As a teenager I became increasingly more rebellious and after graduation I joined the US Army – see I never intended to even TRY to go to college, high school had been hard enough to navigate in my sexuality, and hiding my true authentic self to the point of pain and tears.  I never really fit in, although I tried like hell to hang with the rougher crowd; the faster cars, drug fueled escapades and sneaking in through the 2nd story window early in the mornings.  I wore Levi’s with holes in the knees and ass, rock band t-shirts and heavy work boots…although I kept my hair shoulder length as a semi-attempt at disguising my Butch self, I never felt that I truly belonged anywhere.

Today, some 30-35 years later I feel that I live today more aligned to my personal truths and closer to what makes me feel like a real, valuable person, a good Butch, and though it was a long journey, and a struggle to arrive at this place I finally feel comfort in who I am, and in my body.

It has taken years, and I’ve had places along the trail where my boots became mired in the muddiness of life and times that I have fallen to my knees, weary from just trying to be myself, without being constantly judged for who I am; for what I seemingly represent to some others.

There were years that I tried to hide myself still in certain situations.  Generally they pertained to work and my professional life in the construction industry.  I entered that world at a time when very very few other women were doing what I was doing, from the actual physical labor of swimming pool construction, to design, layout and entire job coordination or general contracting.  I recall conferences where I was singly the only woman “in” the business, and the other women there were the wives of the men in the business.  There were proud moments of receiving recognition for my work – my father taught me well – or getting some kind of award.  I tried the wearing more feminine clothing route for those things and I felt like a clown, make up and all.  The discomfort and humiliation of my feeling that I had to do that would just devastate me.

For a while in my early adult years I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope with my gender and sexuality issues.  I was not alone in that quest to kill the pain that way; many of my fellow Butches and other LGBT friends fell down that hole of hell just as deep.  When I was high or drunk – or a combo of both – I was a bolder me; I wasn’t as afraid of the world, the taunts and the looks shot my way.  In the early eighties I started to lose friends, mostly trans women and drag queens, to some strange illnesses.  Then the CDC told us about HIV and AIDS and I lost more to voilence and ignorance, and suicide as a result.  In 1992 I had managed to get clean and then got sick several times that summer.  My counsellor (yes I had turned to therapy to help with my low self esteem and addictions) urged me to be tested…and yes, I tested HIV positive that final day in August 1992.

That was 22 years ago now.  I take a lot of medications to stay alive.  I take a good amount to combat the depression and anxiety disorders brought on by dealing with everything, especially this disease.  My daily battles now are more with health considerations than with gender struggles.  It was about 6 years ago that I woke up one morning and gave permission to myself to BE BUTCH in all the glory that that meant to me.  I am happy with myself, although always striving to be better; to be a better world citizen, to be a better writer, vlogger and friend.  I have the incredible love of my large extended family and a great network of friends both online and in daily life.  I could not be a luckier person in my opinion.

So my answer would be that I would always choose to live my life aligned authentically, true to my self and who I am in this world, and true to my brothers and my community.  I pursue dreams that still allude to finding happiness simply in being who I am and serving my purpose of leaving this world a better place than when I entered it….that is what I hope to accomplish.

~MainelyButch

 

The Butch-Femme Friendship Dilemma

I recently had a question asked by two different viewers on my Youtube channel, and it gave me pause for thought, and fodder for a blog and vlog on the topic. The question is “Can Butches and Femmes be just  friends?”  Meaning here, can they successfully navigate the terrain of friendship –  without becoming emotionally involved and without sex becoming a factor or issue in the equation?

Facebook is the prime example of epic failure in the realm of Butch-Femme friendship.  More drama and crap goes across the status bar of that application than I can even fathom.  Personally I don’t let it bother me when someone un-friends me because I tell the truth, hey I know the truth hurts!  And if you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch. If you can’t take the truth, GTFO .  Because I tell it like I see it, and for some that seems to be just a tad bit too insightful for them, they are afraid I may call their bullshit like I see it.  Hell, it has happened and I have been un-friended by both Butches and Femmes  in the past, for doing just that – calling bullshit when I see it.   I don’t care to be a spectator in anyone’s  drama filled exchanges…and why would I?  Nope just not into the drama myself,  so take your “friendship” – and I use the term lightly – and GTFO.  Good riddance.  I don’t need the bullshit believe me – neither do you.

So can Butches and Femmes ever really be “friends”?   I am not sure.  I know that I approach every relationship in my life from an angle of friendship.  I offer myself as a friend.  Sex, when used as a weapon in any relationship from friendship to the romantic realm, is just wrong.  And sexual exchanges of innuendo or as “come on” talk within a friendship is not acceptable behavior from anyone who wishes to just be friends.

What I do know for myself is that Butch – Butch bromances are needed and necessary.  I am sure it’s the same for Femmes, although I cannot speak to their thoughts directly. You often need the advice of someone who possibly thinks a bit more like you do; who has walked the path that you are on and knows the ropes across that wiggly bridge.  Advice and having an ally are valuable tools in navigating this minefield of this LGBT  life.  When I have Butch things that I think only another Butch would be able to relate to then I take my questions to my other Butch friends.  If I am having Femme issues I might consult a Femme friend for insight, but it’s my Butch buddies that give me the most support; needed, necessary and like-minded support.

I do think that Butches and Femmes can be friends without sex or relationship stuff becoming an issue but it takes mature people to make the friendship.  And there is also that category of acquaintance versus actual friend.  Acquaintances are those who you know, but aren’t very close to, perhaps it’s your buddy’s girl, or the girl at work, she’s someone that you wouldn’t persue a real friendship with anyway.

Generally when a Femme puts you into the “friend” category, you stay there regardless.  Any sort of romance that may pop up are usually just fleeting things and you stay in the friendship category, because most Femmes are strong willed, solidly minded and once you are in that category there is no such thing as a “get out of friendship free” pass, it’s lost somewhere between the “go to jail” and the “get 100 condoms free” passes in life.  She wants to be your friend not your lover.  She wants to tell you how to dress better, not undress you.  She wants to talk to you like she would talk to another Femme, not like she would converse with you if she were sleeping with your ass.  Exhibit one…she will tell you about the fabulous Butch she fucked last weekend…a lover or potential girlfriend would definitely not be telling you those things. Because if she saw you as a potential lover or sex partner she would want you to think that you are the only one, so if she’s telling you about her latest conquests then you are definitely in the friend category.  Stay there.

When Butches and Femmes cross that threshold between friendship and a relationship one of two things happens.  Either they get together and stay that way, or the friendship goes straight into the shitter.  The second may happen slower, but it will eventually happen as you drift apart, one of you becoming more distant, you talk less, and then poof, no more friendship.

As you grow older in life and you gain experience in dealing with various personality types along the way, you gain insight and intuition about things.  You learn to know the difference between friendly gestures and those with romantic overtones.  You can feel when someone is not telling the whole truth, but is giving you marginal information to keep you in some sort of spot where they can later manipulate you into whatever they wish.  You learn to avoid those people, they are toxic.  Butch or Femme.  Toxic.

Basics of Butch – Femme Friendships

No pet names…once a pet name is given some sort of weird connection happens, it breaks boundaries.

No pouring out of the heart.  Save this for your time with like-minded buddies and other friends.

No sexting, multiple texting, or massive email exchanges.  Each one gives the lead to more, and that leads to a falling off of the friendship cliff.

Respect boundaries, have impeccable manners and general good behavior that will keep things friendly.

No holding of hands, touching or other intimate behavior between friends.

No names.  When discussing recent sexual conquests do not use names or identifying things.

No sexual inuendos, small talk or references to be exchanged or referred to in conversation, both in person or online.  Using any type of sexual or “come on” type language is just a recipe for trouble, with a capital T.  Afterall , it ‘s supposedly “friendship” you are after, not a relationship or sexual escapade, right?

If sexual tension evolves, deal with it head on, do not sweep it under the proverbial rug.  Get it out in the open, discuss it and solve it.  Maybe you are not meant to be friends…but are you meant to be more? If you can’t put the tension aside then it’s time to either end it or ask her out properly…you decide and let those chips fall where they may.  But remember, if she never trusts you when you say “she’s just my friend” after you get together, it’s exactly how you two met…historically speaking.  History says a lot.  She won’t want you having other “friends” of the opposite label, i.e. Butches having Femme friends and visa versa.

No drunk calls, texts or emails…never, ever a good thing.  If you are thinking of your Butch or Femme “friend” when you are drunk then it’s NOT a friendship in your head, it’s turning into something much more dangerous…the desire for a relationship.

Warning signs that it’s more than a friendship.

You start to dress more “her style”, listening to what she likes in her Butch or Femme, you start to look at your wardrobe and think of what “she” would like to see you wear, not what you like.  Never change yourself for someone, especially a “friend”.

You stay up late at night waiting by your computer for her to get home so you can chat or email with her.  This is a definite sign that it’s getting beyond friendship in your head.

Buying expensive gifts…you don’t do this for other friends, so if you find yourself looking at diamonds suddenly and thinking of buying one for her…it’s gone way beyond friends in your head.

Suddenly changing your other friends, because she doesn’t care for this one or thinks that one is too much of an influence on you.  A friend will never ask or suggest that you lose another friend just so you can be “her” friend. A true friend will encourage you to have other friends, and may even want to hang out with you and them.

Isolating…if you find you are staying home more, waiting for her calls, emails or texts then you are not being friendly, you are being stupid.

Jealousy…if you or she starts telling the other who they can and cannot hang with, communicate with or who they should and should not sleep with, or what to do with their hair, nails, brows, etc…then it’s obvious it’s not friendship, it’s a connection going deeper.

Drop off friends.

Signs that a friend has decided that you are too much work, or that she’s feeling pressured and maybe things need to frost over a bit between you before it goes somewhere other than friendship….

She becomes a bit distant, has to work late, has prior obligations and cant’ hang with you.

Phone calls become rare to non-existant.  Your calls go unanswered or to voice mail.

Texts and emails start to trail off, not so many anymore.  And those that do come are short and to the point. Then she finally stops altogether.

Friends with Benefits.

Never a good idea in my humble opinion.  Tried it and failed miserably.  And I find that it’s always a friendship killer because once you go to the intimacy level, everything changes. You may think you are still friends, but you are now more than friends, but less than lovers.  The whole dynamic is different, strained and usually not very much fun.  One of you thinks it’s friends, the other has built a house and put up a picket fence in their mind.  Watch out for this one; tread carefully.

So those are my thoughts and ideas on Butch-Femme friendship.  I do have a few very sweet and good Femme friends.  I adore every one of them, but I also keep them at a distance socially,  out of respect for them, their Butches and for myself.  I want to be a good friend, and sexual fantasy about a Femme friend would not make me a good Butch…it might make me typical to some, but not good!

Who God Intended Me to Be

I personally have no idea what it’s like to be any other way than Butch lesbian.  I know some people “come out” later in life and “figure out” they are LGBT…or that they are Butch or Femme,  a tweener, a granola, queer, or __________(fill in the blank with your favorite identity marker or label).  For me it’s just something I have always known inside of my skin and brain..  How does this kind of deep, from the beginning kind of knowing make me different?  Do we behave, in some way differently, as we come into our own in different ways as people; as lesbians – and lovers of women?

I have to wonder what it’s like to think you are straight, and then to decide you are gay/lesbian at some later point in life.…I can’t fathom that kind of thought pattern; of something that I feel that I was born with, that was ingrained into my DNA from birth.  I’m not speaking about those who knew but hid the fact from themselves and others, but about those who have had honest “awakenings” to the idea or fact that they were attracted not to the opposite sex, but to the same sex. Some call themselves late bloomers, or out laters.  I was just born this way, grew up a lesbian and knew no other way.

The Butch-Femme world is a whole other story.  I would imagine that it could be a hard world to “break in to” for someone who does not “get” the dynamic right from the get-go.  I’ve had women approach me and utter those strange words “I am not sure if I am Femme or not, but I like Butches”…and I have to wonder; wonder what thought bring those words to their mouths. Then come the “I want to learn” or “teach me” words that petrify just about any Butch I know.  Certainly does me that’s for sure.  Those words do not exude any kind of confidence or knowing of the Butch-Femme dance.

So loving women is loving women, but the Butch-Femme dynamic plays out so very differently than the standard granola style of loving women.  It’s just a different world. It’s a different existence and way of being altogether; it’s a lifestyle and a love-style.  I hear women say “I just love women”.  Well I do as well, but romantically I am only attracted to Femme women. That’s just how it is for me.

Ok, you say, so what is a Femme woman? What constitutes the definition of a Femme?

Here is my personal perception, whic, I am sure varies slightly from Butch perspective to Butch perspective, but this is how I see it for the biggest part:

A Femme is the gentler of the two in the Butch-Femme; she is the more effeminate, exhibiting much more comfort with her own femininity and all things feminine in her world.  Because of her surrounding her own self with that, she desires contrast in the romantic realm, someone to perhaps rough out the edges, so that they are not so femininely smooth as they are when she is alone.   While a Butch can be gentle she also brings that certain bravado of roughness that is necessary for a Femme to feel…well, Femme!

A Femme is much more in touch with her emotional side, not afraid to show emotion or deal with it in any way.  She will speak her mind, with no uncertainty and no hesitation.  She knows what she wants and how to get it.  Her self-confidence is a breath of fresh air, in the eyes of this Butch.

A Femme is sexy; exuding sexy all the time. yet, she easily hides in the crowd, appearing to blend in with the psuedo-normalcy of her world’s hetero sisters.  Never is her heel wearing, purse toting, skirt swishing ass questioned when she enters a gendered space, such as the ladies room or a dressing room.  She walks always and anywhere with an inner – but evident – confidence, poise and attitude that only a Femme can display.

A Femme knows fairly well where she can and cannot go with her Butch in the bedroom.  Every Butch being unique, she somehow knows and understands the boundaries and maneuvers the minefields of her lover’s body carefully, as only a Femme can do with a Butch.  She’s known these moves all of her life, as only a Femme does, and she brings a comfort and relaxation to her Butch that only she can bring.  Butches who try to be with others (non-Femme identified lesbians) sometimes find themselves in those very uncomfortable situations of having to “explain” their bodies and desires, something no Butch likes to verbalize ever…and soon those situations go awry; never really satisfying either party as much as the Butch Femme dynamic can do for those involved.

A Femme knows what her primary place is in the home; that starting and operating the chainsaw is not her job.  She knows what her Butch likes, what she hates and those things that do not matter either way.  She’s not afraid to pump her own gas, but when her Butch is present she knows better than to even get out of the car to try.  She knows that asking her Butch to do laundry comes with a disclaimer that things may be shrunken or discolored and that risk is real. Yes, we each know our strengths and our places amoungst the affray of life.

A Femme gets her way by allowing her Butch to always be seen as the strong Butch that she is, for by doing that her happiness is dynamically secured.  The way a Femme recognizes the masculine and the non-masculine in a Butch is a skill she seems to be born with, and that comes as second nature to her from the very beginning of the understanding her own Femme existence.

Some say this is mimicking of a hetero relationship.  I say it is not.  It is the dynamic that we are comfortable with, the feminine and the masculine – in two women – combined to meet each individual party’s needs, expectations and compatibilities.  It emphasizes the strengths of the Femme and the honor of the Butch in ways that only they can understand; that only a Butch-Femme couple can really fathom in their world.

I don’t ask for complete understanding of my lifestyle.  Only that people allow me to live my way and not try to criticize me for being exactly who God intended me to be.  And also to allow my Femme to do the very same thing – be her own woman.  She’s comfortable in her own skin, I am not comfortable in mine.  Without her I am naked and laid vulnerable to the cruelty of the world.  With her by my side I am protected, as is she by me.  I make her visible, she makes me secure in myself.   Perhaps in that simple sentence is the answer to why anyone is in any relationship, we make each other happy and secure.  Love does that.  All love; any love

Rock on.

Relationship Checklist

During the month of July, 2010, I did a video blog – or a vlog – called “Lesbian Dating Application” which was very funny, but serious too as it laid out all of the things that would and would not work in a relationship for me. Here I would like to revise that previous performance, and update it, because originally it was filmed over 2 years ago, and we all know how life and situations change; how we can change too.  So I believe updating in both written and video is necessary at this time.

Script goes something like this. 

Dating is hard these days.  You never know what kind of weird stuff that beautiful Femme in front of you has going on in that pretty little head or what she will pull out of her Guici handbag of tricks.   Wouldn’t it be cool if we had paperwork? Like a “lesbian dating application” listing out what will and will not work for use and ask them to indicate their take on each question.  While some can and would be simple yes or no, others would probably require some thought and effort in putting together a serious answer.

The Interview Itself:

• So if you throw  the application back in my lap and stand up to leave…it might now work out.
• If you show up to the interview looking like a 14^th street hooker….it might not work out.
• If you have more tattoos than I do…it probably won’t work.  While the occasionaly tat is nice on a woman, I find large tats and full sleeve tats to be a bit over the top for my taste in who I can see myself with long term.
• Same goes for piercings, if there is metal protruding from your face or your ears are gaged and flopping like a basset hound’s then I am just not interested, thus it just won’t work.
• If you sit there smacking gum, talking with a thick hood-style accent and vocabulary…nope, definitely won’t work.
• If your cell phone is not set to silent during my time, my interview time that is, and she stops me mid-question to take a call from your recent ex-lover…get the fuck out.  Not going to work.
• If you must bring a girlfriend or friend to the interview for “moral support” you might as well turn around and exit stage left cuz that shit just isn’t cool and it will not work.  I had asked to spend this time alone with you, and do not need a chaperone.
• If you show up on your lunch hour and expect to be munching on your lunch while I am trying to interview you, it will just not work.  I need your focus and undivided attention during a serious conversation.  Had I wanted to do a lunch interview I would have reserved a table somewhere.
• Now if you show up with lunch for both of us…we might be able to work something out because you obviously took the time to think of me as well, and that is impressive.
• If you start any answer with the word “Ya know Girl” or “Oh Girl let me tell you….”  It’s just not going to work, because you obviously have me confused with some Femme you must have applied to for the same reason. Same goes for the pronouns, miss, ma’m, lady, and sometimes woman, in the way you are addressing me as a persona senses of the words.  If you know I am Butch you would know that I do not care a lot for the prissy female ways of being addressed.
• If you come to the interview and are polite, courteous, smiling, have a great attitude and you obviously took the time to dress nicely and do your hair and nails, then I definitely am interested in seeing if we can work this out.  Especially if you brought lunch…awww, how did you know that liverswurst is my favorite??

Remember, your chance to leave a good first impression on someone will stick with them. And that first impression is made in the first 30 seconds of contact.  I can tell if you are someone I would date within a very short period of time.  I am all about first impressions, and about being with a woman who takes the time to make sure that she is always up to par and giving off good first impressions – even in her everyday life.  I do not want things to become “sweatshirt and braless” within 2 weeks of us starting a relationship.  Because that means you just did the interview appearance up to impress me upfront, but aren’t interested in how much I love my woman to look damned good every day; as well as for her to be making great first impressions on my family, friends and the general public And I like it when you are on my arm and we are out around town together, and we both look good…getting smiles from friendly strangers wherever we go…that is important to me and if you are like that too, then this will definitely work.

Key Points of the Relationship Expections: The Issues

• Sundays are reserved for football, and I love my Sunday games, so scheduling a 1:00 dinner with your friends from work and expecting me to go with you….just not going to work.
• If you are going to force me to go shopping for “girl things” like clothing, handbags or shoes…we will have issues.  I don’t care for that kind of shopping, and unless you are ok with me perusing the tool department while you clothes shop, then we’ll definitely have issues.
• It’s 2012…if you have to question every cell phone call and text I receive then we will have issues.  Trust is a big thing, and jail breaking my cell phone while I sleep is punishable by breaking up!
• Same goes for my computer.  It’s my private world, my solace and my place of refuge.  I have a lot of private writing on there, and when I want to share it I will, but catching you at 3am trying to figure out how to close out of my email account will piss me off and you will be leaving shortly there-after.
• I suffer from B.E.D.D.  This is Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder which is the basic Butch trait of not always showing emotion or emotional reaction to things you think I should react to right away.  I sometimes appear clueless when you are crying, you have to tell me why..I can’t read your mind for hell’s sake!  And when I am not reacting in the way you think I should, remember BEDD.  It’s not contagious.
• If we have to ever use the word “let” in a sentence accompanied by “you” then we will have issues.  I am my own individual, you will not have to “let me” do anything once you are standing outside with your suitcase packed.   Yes, “let” will definitely mean we have issues.
• If you don’t love my dog, or are jealous of Nola, it will cause us to have issues.  I adore that dog, and she doesn’t talk back, nag or require weekly manicures, so she’s an easy keeper.  Are you?  If not then I can see issues in our future.

• If you think you are going to drive when I am in the car we will have issues.
• Same goes for pumping gas and getting maintenance done on the car.  I like to do that stuff, it’s a Butch thing…let me, or we will have some issues.
• If you are highly jealous it could cause nasty issues.  I am a very social person, I have friends that I go fishing with, play pool with and hang out with (sometimes without you) and I get phone calls, texts and emails from them.  Because I have friends does not mean that I am any less committed to our relationship, it just means I am a social creature…and I encourage you to have friends too.  We can be happily individualized, and still be a great couple!  I get aggravated with jealousy.  Trust me, and I will trust you.
• Baggage is something we all have.  Dragging up my past and using it in anyway against me will decidedly cause some issues.  I won’t throw your baggage around, so don’t toss mine across the room either.  If my baggage concerns you then we need to do some talking, so that we don’t have issues.
• Addressing a Butch can sometimes be a mine field.  Our personalities and outward appearance often doesn’t match our mental state surrounding our identification.  Calling me cheesy pet names like “pumpkin, peaches, or tootsie” will drive me nuts.  Calling me Babe or Honey can work, but be very careful in that minefield please.  I’d hate to see you blown up by this issue.
• If you have a drug and alcohol problem worse than mine then we will have issues.   Because I detest drunks, and will not put up with drunken behavior…now if you want to have some wine in the evening while we cuddle in front of the TV I am cool with that, but constant drinking will bring up serious issues.
• The only time I am okay with lying is when it’s to hide a surprise party or something special.  Lying will cause issues.  I can smell a lie on your breath, so don’t’ even try it.  Plus, if you feel it’s necessary to lie to me then we determinately have issues.
• I am playful and like to tease.  If you take everything I say seriously then you will have issues.

So, in closing up here this is basically what I am saying; I’m easy to get along with and pretty laid back.  My biggest fear is being able to trust someone with my heart and life in general.  Any kind of hidden agenda will not go over well with me.  You have no need to be sneaky, conniving or to hide things from me.  Be up front, be honest and we will never have issues.  When I ask you a question I like to get straight forward answers to the whole question, not the bare minimum that you think will cover it.

To quote the song, I’m lookin for a lover who won’t love another, but she’s so hard to find.  So I’ve been taking it easy, and not doing any deep searching.  If  she walks in and wants that interview, I have my pad and the applications all ready to go.  Of course I will also need your Carfax. LOL

In all seriousness, dating is scary.  Relationships are sometimes frightening prospets of vulnerability to a Butch.  It means laying ones heart on the line and hoping like hell she doesn’t stomp on it with her 4” stiletto heels.  It means having a confidence that she’s going to protect that heart and bear witness to an oft tormented soul and that she’ll do it with the utmost respect and privacy.  The lifetime I’ve seen of wear and tear on my heart has perhaps hardened it slightly, but it’s still pumping life-vital blood and it still has room for more cracks and chips.  I am still a loving and caring Butch, and I still want that perfect-for-me Femme in my life on a daily basis. I’m ready to love again; ready to give it my all.  I just hope she shows up soon and that she’s ready for the challenge of MainelyButch.

Thanks to all of my readers here and my viewers on Youtube who cross over here to read my stuff as well.  I truly appreciate you all and I so enjoy sharing my writing and thoughts with the world and all of you.  Comments are encouraged and appreciated!

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It seems, unfortunately in 2012 that being comfortable in just being who you are, and allowing others to do that same thing, not policing them in return – even when they do it to you – has just become the sort of “norm” way of thinking inside of the LGBTQ  community   I am saddened by stories I hear about individuals (and groups) being put down by others inside of the LGBTQ umbrella for expressing themselves as individuals, and not being swayed by “stereotypes” or “rules” of how to act, be or present that appeases our seeming need to be seen as normal in the world at large.

Since I began questioning the ideas of gender policing, transphobia, and hate from within the LGBTQ community itself, I have recieved quite a bit of input from others.  Some telling me their horror stories of incidents they endured, or that a partner or lover went through.  Some lamenting the by-gone days when it was “ok to be gay” and we all carried the rainbow flag together – Butches, Femmes, Dykes, Queers, Bisexuals, Trans people and those still seeking their identity.

Be that.  The LGBTQ community has become so hostile towards it’s own “members” in recent years; no longer affording us a “safe space” to just be the unique individuals we are intended to be.  But trying to “police” us and set “guidelines and rules” for who can and cannot claim an identity, a lifestyle, or just their own unique style.  For some reason some have gravitated toward more rigidity in how others are “supposed” to present to the rest of the world, which lends heavily to the “one bad apple” thing that happens so easily when you are already part of a group that is already viewed thru the eyes of skepticism.

Remember the Toronto Gay Pride chair who wanted – paraphrasing here – us to tone it down – ie no “Butch” lesbians or “Flambouyant” gay men, but for the crowd to exhibit a more “family friendly or normal” presentation in the parade?— Yeah, like let’s all pretend we are “normal” like the rest of this fucked up world’s inhabitants! SMH

God forbid that we take “pride” in who we ARE, in our own families and in our community as a whole.  I remember that incident very vividly, because, as a Stone Butch myself, I felt completely negated – within the so called “safety net” of the community that I loved – and represented.  And by someone who was supposed to be leading a showing of PRIDE and fighting PREJUDICE.  It felt to me like a direct insult; a frontal attack and left a very very bad taste in my mouth that I have yet to be able to fully rinse from existence.  I only wish I had the opportunity to address the person who spewed those words into the air with such whimsical ease; to say, “HEY, wait a damned minute!…”

I have so much more to share related to this topic of hate and discrimination experienced under the umbrella.  I thank those who have taken the time to contact me with their painful recollections -L, G, B, T, and Q’s!  And please if you would like to share I am wide open for hearing your experiences and opinions!  More to come…

Shaking the Umbrella

T-Cells

I got the results of last Friday’s (4/13/12) blood draw via phone today.  It seems that my T-cells have almost doubled in the last month!  I was at just under 240 and am now over 400.  I will see the actual results in writing tomorrow, along with the results for the viral load / viral burden testing that was done that same day. That test will tell me how much of the HIV is active in my blood stream; how much infection is still there trying to attack my good blood!  The T-cell count is the count of the “helper” cells that are in charge of your body’s immune system.  Normal individual women generally have between 500 and 1000 of these per ml of blood.  I once tested at 1286!  Which is more in the normal range for a man, which is 800-1500 generally.  The T-‘s tend to bounce a bit from day to day, but I usually have the test done every 3 months, trying to stay with the same time of day for each test.  Somehow this also gives a slightly more accurate picture of what’s going on.  So I usually go before 11am each time, thus I am not worn down from a day of activity before the count is checked.

I have been on a “cocktail” of drugs to combat my HIV infection.  Issentress, Prezista, Norvir, and Viread are the current names of the drugs in the cocktail.  I take 3 of them once a day and the Issentress I have to take twice daily.  It’s not a big deal anymore.  Years ago, back in the 90’s when I first tested positive the drugs were few and far between, and as we did get more ammo in the munitions pile toward the end of that decade the drugs left us with horrific side-effects, sometimes intolerable, and you had to swallow fist fulls of pills sometimes up to 6 times a day!  I recall that at one point I was taking 28 pills a day!  A huge difference compared to today’s 5 pills.  And I must say the side-effects are no where near as bad now, they’ve honed the dosages and compositions of the drugs, and made them much more tolerable and manageable today.

I am feeling the good effects of the cocktail working inside of me.  My energy level has DEFINITELY returned to somewhere closer to “normal”, especially in the last 2 weeks.  And my mood, anxiety and overall attitude has definitely improved.  I have been working outside in my gardens quite a bit, getting things done that have been waiting for my energy to return for months, and generally just making it happen!  I have taken on a much more positive attitude and I know this is probably responsible for some of these changes, but the energy level alone was being squashed hard by the virus itself.  So with less virus, more T-cells and less stress I have managed to re-find that positive attitude within myself to make the rest happen accordingly.  

I realize that I am one of the lucky ones that has managed to survive 20 years of living with HIV in my life.  I still mourn those friends that I lost in the early 90’s to AIDS and suicides cause by AIDS and the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.  I still strive to educate others, support others and as well as those who love ME through all of this; despite it.  I continue to refuse to let HIV be my death sentence, or to run my life. And I allow it to live within my blood, as long as it allows ME to live on this planet.  It’s a deal I made long ago.  And it holds true to this day.  A done deal.

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