Shaking the Umbrella

It seems, unfortunately in 2012 that being comfortable in just being who you are, and allowing others to do that same thing, not policing them in return – even when they do it to you – has just become the sort of “norm” way of thinking inside of the LGBTQ  community   I am saddened by stories I hear about individuals (and groups) being put down by others inside of the LGBTQ umbrella for expressing themselves as individuals, and not being swayed by “stereotypes” or “rules” of how to act, be or present that appeases our seeming need to be seen as normal in the world at large.

Since I began questioning the ideas of gender policing, transphobia, and hate from within the LGBTQ community itself, I have recieved quite a bit of input from others.  Some telling me their horror stories of incidents they endured, or that a partner or lover went through.  Some lamenting the by-gone days when it was “ok to be gay” and we all carried the rainbow flag together – Butches, Femmes, Dykes, Queers, Bisexuals, Trans people and those still seeking their identity.

Be that.  The LGBTQ community has become so hostile towards it’s own “members” in recent years; no longer affording us a “safe space” to just be the unique individuals we are intended to be.  But trying to “police” us and set “guidelines and rules” for who can and cannot claim an identity, a lifestyle, or just their own unique style.  For some reason some have gravitated toward more rigidity in how others are “supposed” to present to the rest of the world, which lends heavily to the “one bad apple” thing that happens so easily when you are already part of a group that is already viewed thru the eyes of skepticism.

Remember the Toronto Gay Pride chair who wanted – paraphrasing here – us to tone it down – ie no “Butch” lesbians or “Flambouyant” gay men, but for the crowd to exhibit a more “family friendly or normal” presentation in the parade?— Yeah, like let’s all pretend we are “normal” like the rest of this fucked up world’s inhabitants! SMH

God forbid that we take “pride” in who we ARE, in our own families and in our community as a whole.  I remember that incident very vividly, because, as a Stone Butch myself, I felt completely negated – within the so called “safety net” of the community that I loved – and represented.  And by someone who was supposed to be leading a showing of PRIDE and fighting PREJUDICE.  It felt to me like a direct insult; a frontal attack and left a very very bad taste in my mouth that I have yet to be able to fully rinse from existence.  I only wish I had the opportunity to address the person who spewed those words into the air with such whimsical ease; to say, “HEY, wait a damned minute!…”

I have so much more to share related to this topic of hate and discrimination experienced under the umbrella.  I thank those who have taken the time to contact me with their painful recollections -L, G, B, T, and Q’s!  And please if you would like to share I am wide open for hearing your experiences and opinions!  More to come…

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Internal Shifting. Odd Patterns. Curious Changes.

shot in South Berwick, Maine
A double rainbow, Maine

This may come off as a totally looney-bin admitting kind of post – but please don’t send the phyche squad just yet!  It’s a bit “out there” but I believe that I can tie this all together in the end…if there is one!

Life feels different to me as of late.  I feel like something inside of me – and outside – is moving; shifting and changing in strange, sometimes scary, and sometimes wonderful and welcome, ways; those are the feelings I am mentally “tuned” into – and a kind of frequency that I do NOT know or understand at all.  But am very interested in doing just that – understanding it!  There has been a significant increase in my emotional responses, coinciding with my beginning to develop greater senses of mental clarity; in my re-defining things, people and issues in my life in entirely new and unique ways.  I don’t only feel a personal shift taking place, but I can feel the world around me moving or acting differently, as well.  It’s showing in the weather, the political climate, the new posturing of countries, governments, the changing attitudes of peoples, and even in the movement of the actual earth itself.  I don’t know or understand “why” I am feeling this; what is happening to me or to anything, but I can feel it happening very palpably. (No, I am not on drugs, or drinking tequila!  but I knew you’d ask!)  And I feel like it’s something to be discussed, analysed and watched, for better understanding and comprehension.

This must sound like total hokey-pokey to you dear reader, but stay with me for a moment, because although I have no truly “logical” explanation for any of it – for the way I feel or the way things are presenting to me in such rather odd, yet new, and unique ways.  I just know it’s happening, and I am in no way to stop it or even try to stop it – nor COULD I stop it if I so wished!  I am supposed to roll with it, according to my gut instinct – which I rarely question as it has always led me down the right road, or to the right decision in the end.  Maybe it did not feel that way at the time it was happening – whatever it may have been – but my hind-sight always saw the reason and understood that that was exactly what I was “supposed to do”.

I have been wishing, wanting and waiting to know my life’s purpose for most of my life now!  Don’t we ALL do that?  Don’t we all question what it is we are here to do in this world?  Why we were born? And why we are where we are at this moment in time?  Hell, maybe for me this is the brink of the abyss that I must fall into before discovering and knowing that purpose.  I have wished for and wanted change in my life, for clearer understanding of myself and why I am here in this body, walking this path through the world, for a very long time it seems.  And I have been a bit focused on figuring this out for some time now, and the new mental clarity I am experiencing is making me think that I am “onto something” here!

The shifts are alarming me in some ways, but my instinct says for me to relax and that I have been waiting for this to happen for a very long time – for my entire existence.  Again, I try to listen smartly to instinct.  One of the alarming things has been the funny (albeit a bit disturbing)  appearance and recurrence of words and numbers in my daily life.  Whether they come from reading, writing, balancing my checkbook, or as a visual from TV, the internet or in my daily “real life”, the recurrence of these things is just plain weird. There is no other way to put it in a word.  Yet, somehow it also seems to be lining up to make some sort of sense in the end.  Who knows what that “end” is, but there is one.  This I know.

I feel myself sweeping away old ways of thinking and doing things, and in turn doing things that create a sort of rebirth toward a new way of life.  And this seems to be “just happening” it’s nothing that I am really having to “work” at doing.  I seem to be on some sort of guided internal auto-pilot setting.  Why would I need a “new way of life” I have to ask myself? Sure, I want a better life, a more meaningful life, and maybe a more fun life – as everyone wants in general – But, what exactly is this all about?  Where is it coming from – inside? outside? the air? …yes, the air has even got a feeling of “energy” to me lately, one that is vibrating, sort of, at a very high, high frequency.

What’s that you think? Ah – storms perhaps? Or, could the barely perceptible, almost electrical, “vibrations” I am feeling be some indication of what is causing these odd and unexpected storms we have been seeing occur across our country in recent weeks? Storms like we have never seen or experienced before in our lifetimes anyways.  Strange, sudden and violent storms have been beating some states senseless, leaving just wide swaths of destruction.  Strange weather patterns, from last winter’s weird “calm” and warmth, to an April of 80 degree days, and the start of July with out of control wild-fires in Colorado to the sudden and violent thunder and lightening storms scraping away landscape and homes throughout the mid-Atlantic region – with little to NO warning.

I have personally heard residents of the area actually refer to them as “just plain weird” – things that no one had ever seen happen before!  (heard via news reports, resident interviews, and by telephone conversations I have had with my girlfriend in VA).  There isn’t even a historical record of these kinds of storms – or of that magnitude – ever happening previously without being a (classed, generally tracked and fore-warned) full blown hurricane. No, these are definitely a new and unique type of storm.  These are storms with the intention to violently blow, shake and destroy everything in their paths; frightening, storms with a purpose.

Yep, weird. Freak storms? Random incidents? Who knows!  I am willing to BET that someone does know, but holds this information very close to the breast, so to speak.  And I am not a “conspiracy theorist” by any means, but you can’t tell me that someone in our government (nosey bastards that they ARE) is not right on this studying the hell out of it and keeping the research very hush so as not to “scare the public” or cause any sort of panic among people.

All I know, as a reasonable and intelligent human being, is that something has “shifted” and is causing – or contributing to the cause of – these rather unique patterns of weather related / planetary happenings.  Or is it all just “coincidence” to simply be written off in the history books as natural disasters?  Do YOU believe it’s coincidence? Seriously?  Or are you afraid to consider that perhaps something is awry?  I also believe that people are experiencing changes, shifts and alterations as well in their lives, due to these storms, due to the alignment of the stars? Who knows…could be a big fat combination of a ton of things!  But SOMETHING is changing about our world in the present moment…it’s like evolution on speed.  Perhaps it’s the dawning of the age of Aquarius?  LOL  Hey, I am open to any and all theories at the moment!

Often as human beings we like to pretend that things are not “happening” because we do not like it when we cannot explain things in solid, scientific ways and that alone confuses us and causes fear – because we all fear the unknown – it’s only natural in our genetic composition.  We become “held back” by the fear of what we know, and do not know.  Knowledge causes us fear in so many ways.  But not knowing drives us absolutely nuts!  And facing our fear is the only way to release it’s hold over us – as a group and as unique individuals.

Ok, so you all think I am now flipping my lid, I am sure.  And that’s actually okay with me, because I am not seeking any kind of validation or confirmation of my feelings and ideas of what I am seeing/feeling that is going on around the world, and of what I see and am experiencing as a “shift” and a rush of energy within myself as well.  Things ARE changing, inside of me, outside of me, in the world, and I sense that it’s happening VERY fast.

I spoke of things “appearing and recurring” words and numbers specifically.  Some of the words I refer to as appearing in my life randomly and yet over and over are (in no particular order) “extreme, new, thoughts, transitional, transformation, break free, consciousness, radical, alter, action, deepening, awakening, commitments, plans, manifest, fear, freedom, letting go, habits, success and patterns”  And those stupid numbers, 11:11, 12:12, 10:10, 1:11, 1:23, 12:34, 3:21…strange…sequential or same numbers.  I look at the clock, the cell phone, the computer, the TV and I see the time constantly (or it feels that way!) and see these numbers pop up.  And we all know about the 11:11 phenomenon (or rumored theory more accurately), even Ellen Degeneres has named her record label/talent agency ElevenEleven.com.  So while I may be weird, I do not feel alone in my questioning!  I believe that others feel it, too.  Perhaps even you, dear reader, are feeling a little out of sorts lately and cannot “put your finger on it” but you feel unsettled and perhaps a bit askew even?  Maybe reading this has sparked some strange recognition in yourself, of things happening with you, or those close to you, that is leaving you feeling a bit of fear for the unknown?  I know I have a healthy fear of this “feeling” that I am connecting with, yet I am incredibly curious and I desire to KNOW MORE!

I want to understand and fully participate in the “shift” towards good; let go of the past and dive head-long into the future to open up untapped personal potential.  I want to be one who DOES break free of the “group mind” and think outside that box of general “public opinion”.

I often read my horoscopes just for fun.  But lately they are so accurate that it’s scary!  And the words keep appearing in those too!  It has to make me wonder if there isn’t really something to the astrological signs!  I’ve never taken them “seriously” but have always read them – since I learned to read and found them in the daily newspaper as a child – and thought about them.  Once in a while something would “click” in them for me, and I would be in a bit of wonder.  But never took them to heart in any kind of serious way.  But lately…I have been delving into them deeper and reading more about sun signs and planetary alignments.  And THIS is really scary!  Because they seem to be “right on target” with what is happening inside of me and in my life, and around me – and with much of what I write about right here in this blog!  Something strange, and wonderful, and yet fraught with fear and danger to be dealt with, is happening to us all, And the signs are all there, is anyone else listening?  Does anyone else “hear” what I am saying – or what I am trying desperately to express here?  Or am I just a nut case waiting to crack?  🙂  LOL…don’t answer that!

This was a very fun blog to write, to think about and I know putting it out there may make me look a little “crazy” but honestly I am not, I’m only questioning what I am feeling and seeing go on around me.  I’ve been keeping a hand-written journal of things as well, it just amazes the shit right outta me!  🙂  Perhaps you got some insight, or at least some laughs, out of it too!  I do hope.

Peace and love.  ~MainelyButch

Getting Ahead – “Mad at the world?”

This is the first in a series of blogs I will do about this.  It is something that has been on MY mind very much lately and that I need to get down on paper myself.  So I have decided to share it with you, my readers.  I do not share all of my writings, many are posted privately for a variety of personal reason, some have restricted reader lists, and some are just for my own eyes.  But THIS is something that I think I can share, that I have been faced with, that may make you ponder how you can always be improving your own “circumstance” and making the world – YOUR world – a better, happier, more fulfilling place for you to BE every day from here on out.  Happy reading!  

 

Mad at the World…

I have known (and know) people who are mad at the world.  You hear it in every word that they speak.  They are angry that they “are where they are” in life; dissatisfied with the position they have found themselves seemingly “locked” into by lineage, economics, geography, faith, society, etc.  These people are becoming more and more evident to me as I listen, and I feel for them.  They simply do not know how to unwind themselves from the May pole they have twisted themselves onto.  

I have had to fight and fight very very hard to not be one of those people.  It’s an easy place to wind up; to just stop and let the world dictate to you what you will and will not do, or be able to do, or achieve for yourself.  I did stop for a while, and it just made my insides all thick and made it hard to breathe, to move and to motivate myself at all.  Then I realized I was being sucked into this vast canyon of self-pity and despair and I, too, was becoming one of those who are “mad at the world”, blaming my entire life on something called “circumstance out of my control”.  That does not really exist. Only in our imaginations are “circumstances out of our control”.  It’s an easy way of saying “This is too hard and I cannot do it, thus it must be out of my control to change this ______(insert circumstance) by myself, so I must just suffer with it and live with it, until _______(insert imaginary cure) happens for me”

I have done this too.  Everyone probably has at some point or another.  But you cannot let yourself do this forever, or you will truly be a victim of your own circumstance!  People were born to grow, to change, and they are meant to get up every morning and go out and keep trying to make their own lives and the lives of those around them better in some small way.  And eventually all of those small days, small ways; all of the subtle little things they do as they work to change things for the better, add up…and suddenly they are standing in a place that IS better and they don’t even realize it until they think very deeply about what they have done.  It may not have been moving mountains, but perhaps it was helping a little old lady across a busy street, or helping the guy at the hardware store find that part to fix his wife’s washing machine so she would stop pestering him to do so – his life just got better with the discovery that YOU could help him!  And your life got better because your heart beat a happy beat that you had helped someone, eased their burden, and that in turn will come back to you – in the form of happiness, one tiny ray at a time, until your world is filled with these forward moving, happy moments.  

Do not be “mad at the world”.  Do not wake up and say “ugh, another day in this dump”.  Do not go to a job you hate, just to make a paycheck…go because you are building skills to move your world forward to the next job that will be that much BETTER.

Use your brain to change the way you think about this, change your thoughts and you can change your life.  It’s a proven fact.  Einstein did not think up the theory of relativity in one session…he worked a little bit at a time, in every thing he did, from putting his socks on to calculating on a blackboard, every day he moved a little bit closer until he felt the sunshine of success on his face and he UNDERSTOOD!  THAT was his goal; his success in life. Just simplify and do the little things every day that make your life better, that make you a better person, and that make the world better.  

If your goal is to change the way you live then start right now.  What is the first thing that needs to happen, that you need to MAKE happen to start your journey?  Put you socks on.

Dress yourself for your success.  I know it sounds far too simple, but bear with me and I know you will understand.  Look in the mirror and take a quick personal inventory of what you see.  Are you the best you that you can be today? Do you look the best you can look for your day? (I do not mean wear your church clothes to work either…be real).  If you look good then you will know that you also FEEL better, right?  It’s always nice to catch a glimpse of ourselves in a mirror or department store window and think “wow, I look pretty darned good!”  How you look and feel about how you look each day when you walk out the door of your home is the place to start making the change in your life that you so desire – and will have – if you work at it.  

Sounds too simple?  Trust me, try it. I guarantee you will notice a difference.  If not I will give you all of your words back! 🙂    …more coming soon.  ~MB