Rainy Wednesday…

It’s a rainy Wednesday, hump day, and I’m bored.  This morning I spent 2 hours in the chair at the dentist’s office having the rest of my upper teeth repaired.  I’m pleased with the work, I think they look fucking great.  It’s such a nice thing to look in the mirror and not see any blemishes on my teeth!  They’re all pearly white, well as white as they’re gonna be for someone who consumes lots of coffee and smokes.  I do whiten them periodically, and after my deep cleaning/scaling is done I will have them professionally whitened to finish everything off.   I’m super happy that I decided to tackle this task now, before summer, and get it all done right.

If I could go back in time and talk to my 18 yr old self I would stress two things about physical care – take care of your damned teeth, brush a lot and floss and see the dentist regularly.  Secondly I would tell myself to take care of my feet.  Feet take a beating, and mine have been through a lot – to include ill fitting combat boots in the early 1980’s, when you didn’t get to wear running shoes to do PT in the Army, you wore your combat boots and your uniform, except for your outer top shirt.  You ran like you would if you were in a combat situation, not like you were on vacation and running for pleasure!

I laugh when I see soldiers doing PT now in their fancy workout clothes, matching shorts and T-shirts, and running shoes/sneakers.  Like the enemy isn’t going to stop and wait for your ass to get changed!   I believe in training in the same type of gear that you would be wearing in a real life situation.  I’m sure that they changed it, a while after I was enlisted, because of all of the foot problems caused by running long distance day after day in those old style Army-issued combat boots.  The boots were STIFF leather, mass produced for efficiency – not geared for comfort at all.  They had no interior support or comfort what-so-ever.  The boots were made for one thing, for a soldier to wear on his/her feet.  We would put them on and wear them into the shower and do squats to break the leather in a little bit.  Everyone got blisters and sores from them.  I ended up with bone spurs / calcium deposits on the TOPS of both of my feet from them.  The condition has never really hindered me or given me any kind of problem, other than it’s tough to pull on cowboy style boots over them.  But it looks a little weird.    After basic training was over I bought a pair of jump boots.  They were after-market black boots that we were allowed to wear if we chose to buy them ourselves.   Man, I LOVED those fucking boots.  I had them the entire time I was in, and when I was with the training unit in Virginia at the end of my tour I had put metal “taps” on them so that the trainees could hear me coming down the hall.  I thought it was only fair to warn them a little!  lol.  When I finished my tour, and I knew I wasn’t going to continue with the Army, I passed those boots on to a young female soldier who had really admired them, and who they would fit.  She was very proud to have those awesome boots.  It makes me smile even today to fondly remember the boots, the times I had wearing them, and the passing on of them….cool memories.

So I have about had it with this longer hair crap.  I’ve been keeping it like thisPicture 132016-11-22 07.01.43But really want to go back to my shorter cut for the summer, like this.  Ok, so arranging those two photos was a bitch, hope they look ok.  I just took the one with longer hair a few minutes ago.  The dog scratched me in the lip and chin, so my face is a bit of a mess today, but you get the idea.  What do you think folks?  Longer or shorter for the summer?

I miss my barber, Johnny.  He was cutting my hair for a few years, but he got himself back into some trouble, and disappeared from the barber shop.  I tried going to the other barbers there, but none were as cool or accepting of me as Johnny was.  We would sit and talk about women, sports, fishing and that sort of stuff.  He was well aware of my sexuality and that I am Butch.  He knew how I liked my hair cut, edged in and shaved up.  I miss that.  I’ve been just going to Supercuts, I figure they really can’t mess it up too badly at this length, if they do I’ll just go have it shaved up at he barbershop and start over.  I don’t mind it a little long on top, just not as long as it is right now.  Anyway, this Saturday I am going to get it cut, and I’m waffling between going to the barber shop or going to Supercuts.  Barbershop is $14., Supercuts is $24.  which makes NO sense to me.

I love it when I see the “men’s” cut at $10 less than the “women’s” cut….like your genitals determine what they are going to charge you?  I think it should be based on hair length.  Longer hair, more money – because it obviously takes more time and labor.  Short hair less, and crew cuts should be no more than $12. in my opinion.  I always tip too, at least $3.  I figure that’s good for the 20 minutes it takes to cut my hair.  I never have them wash or dry it, I take a shower and wash my hair before I go so that I show up with a nice clean head for them to work on.  Generally when I have my hair cut I also get my eyebrows waxed.  Sometimes not at the same establishment.  Supercuts is always good for getting that done, so that adds $10 to the price of my spiff up.  I think that it would be cool to have a barbershop that offered waxing and manicures.  The one that I used to frequent, Boston Barbers, had a pool table and a tattoo studio…I used to talk with Johnny about opening up a more upscale barbershop for us more masculine people of the world, where we could be comfortable getting things like waxings done, and manicures.  I won’t go to those foo foo places to get a manicure, but I’d really like to have one.  Currently I do my own manicuring every few days here at home.

Guess this blog has turned into a “grooming” blog for today.  My mind just wanders and this is where I ended up today.  Personal grooming is important.  It’s important to always look your best, so that you also feel your best.  I know that for me if I am looking good, then I am feeling good.  When I’m down I don’t give a shit how I look.  I try to not get to that point.  I’ve been on a roll lately with getting my teeth spruced up.  Now on to the haircut and maybe a couple new pairs of jeans and some new shirts this weekend!  I could use a clothes shopping trip for sure.  I’ll be one sharp looking Butch…maybe I’ll attract me a new femme….hey, it could happen!!!

We are approaching the 100 day mark for Old Orange Ass in the White House.  The last two weeks have been completely chaotic across the board.  He’s scrambling to make SOMETHING happen before Saturday.  He’s trying to beat the clock now, and I’m just afraid that he will do something irreparable like start World War III with Noth Korea, China and Russia.  He’s signing executive orders one after another, dismantling everything good that he can possibly destroy.  He’s gone hard after the environment and ANY protections for it.  From allowing coal companies to dump waste directly into rivers, to allowing endangered species to now be hunted.  He’s put a bill forward to close the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) completely.  The guy doesn’t BELIEVE in science or scientific proof / data.  That is very sad for the hard working scientists, like my niece, who are working to find disease cures, sustainable methods of fishing, air and water protections, etc.  Orange Ass would rather have our country as polluted as China is, with no regulations, where you can just dump raw waste off into the environment.  I say we start by dumping it right in Mar a Lago, on his golf course!  I am still so fucking angry that this asshole is our POTUS.  And I am very disappointed in my government for continuing to allow him to remain in office, despite his flagrant self-promotion and range of illegal activities.

Our country is very divided.  There are those who think that Orange Ass has done a good job thus far.  Then there are the rest of us.  He has done nothing.  All he has done is sign the multitude of executive orders.  He is trying like hell to run the USA like a dictatorship.  He doesn’t want the courts even to tell him when something he does or wants to do, is wrong.  He thinks that the judges work for him!  It’s fucking astonishing how stupid the man is, and how stupid those guiding him are too.

I make damned sure that I read up every day on what he and his cronies are doing in DC.  I watch the news every night and try to keep up.  Right now he’s busy telling everyone the 100 day thing doesn’t matter, that he’s done “great” things for America already.  he says he is “bigger than 9/11″….omfg…yes, he said that.  He “congratulated” a soldier for losing his leg in Afghanistan, yes, congratulated him…not said thank you for your sacrifice or anything like that, but “congratulations” for earning a Purple Heart.  Sick Fuck.  He is just totally clueless.  He wants to cut corporate taxes by 20%….which will please all of his rich buddies, and his own companies, but do nothing for the other 99% of America.  And he’s using all of this stuff to try to distract us from the fact that her is STILL BEING INVESTIGATED FOR COLLUDING WITH THE RUSSIANS!

Rant over.  I sure can get myself wound up about this guy and his destruction machine.

Cooking myself some frozen French bread pizzas for dinner tonight.  My mouth is slightly sensitive, but I think I can eat them alright.  If not, Nola loves pizza so she and Lulu will have a little pizza snack!  You all have a great night!

Peace.  ~MB

 

 

 

A Taste of Summer

Ahhhh…the weather has been superb the last couple of days, hitting 75 here today! And it’s supposed to approach 80 degrees tomorrow!  I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but I really do think that winter is behind us now.  (If it snows next week I will cry!) I even went out and bought some seeds and gladiola bulbs for planting.

Yes, I’m psyched that summer is coming!  I’m looking forward to so many things, gardening, poolside bbq’s and hanging by the bonfire on Saturday nights.  I’m looking forward to taking the dogs to the beach to run, to walking in the rails looking for birds, and to fishing from the canoe as I float around the lake.  But most of all I am just plain looking forward to sunshine and summer time happiness!

Everything has been going really well lately, I’m quite pleased with life at the moment.  I’ve been super relaxed all weekend, catching up on some much needed sleep and just doing my things as I felt like doing them.  Usually on weekends I will push myself to do a  bunch of work around here, but this last weekend I took the weekend OFF.  I did play around on the computer some, worked on my newsletter and online stuff a bit.  I find that stuff to be very relaxing, so I didn’t count it as work.  Yes, I deserved a complete weekend of ME time and I made it happen.

I have reset my privacy settings on a couple of my online accounts, and made them tighter in security.  Unless you are on an approved friends list now you’ll no longer be able to see most of my posts, unless I choose to post something publically.  Had to do this to block a stalker, and probably more than one.  I have come to the conclusion that stalkers are just a fact of life when you are on the internet.  And usually you’ll find that they have multiple accounts so they can continue to stalk you after you block one.  But hey, I’m not going to sweat it.  If these trolls have nothing better to do than follow me around the internet then let them have their fun.  Who am I to deny someone anyway? haha, I must be hella interesting to some people.  I’ll block what I am able to, and call it good.  I can’t be bothered to do the full IP address type of blocking at the moment.  That may have to come in the future.

I got my new camera working, the batteries arrived in the mail from Ebay a couple of days ago.  I’ve only got $20 invested in this little camera, it’s a Nikon Coolpix S560  10mp digital camera.  I like it because it’s very small and easily fits into my pocket for me to carry around.

Here are a couple of pics I took with it just to test it out.

Not bad for a $20 camera!  I’m going to be doing a bunch of things around the house and in town over the next couple of days, while I am off, and will try to post more pics now that I have this camera to work with here.

Tomorrow I am going to be preparing seeds for planting, soaking the morning glory seeds, and starting other seeds in containers inside the house.  It’s still not quite time to do any outside planting except for bulbs – which I have a bunch of to plant as well.  I have quite a few seeds to start, and also a bunch to sow directly into the soil when the time comes.  I’m thinking that the gardens will look pretty darned good this year!  Plus I’ve been doing much more methodical planning of them this time around, being my second season with my home here.  Yes, the place will look great!

Last night we had a huge fire here.  The old State Street Saloon in downtown Portsmouth caught fire and it turned into a major inferno.  Eventually the buildings actually collapsed and it has created quite a mess in downtown.  Here are some photos:

I used to hang out at the State Street Saloon back in the day, when I used to drink.  It was always a great bar and also had great food.  Played many, many games of pool there with my old friends.  While I haven’t frequented the place in quite a few years now, it will be a little weird to drive by there and not even see the buildings anymore.  It’s going to be a major loss for the downtown area overall.  I am planning to take a drive into downtown tomorrow to check out the scene for myself, and get some more photos.  They’re not sure what caused the fire, but think that it started in the back end of the kitchen on the first floor.  I heard that they may not be able to ever really know because the destruction is so complete.  Most of the roads around it are closed until they can haul all of the debris away and get the area cleaned up and safe once again.  Fire is so devastating.  Thankfully no one was injured or killed.  And there were 17 people living in apartments in the buildings, so it’s quite a miracle that none were hurt.

I have lots to say about the current goings on here in the US, and about the US attacking Syria, but I am going to hold off for now.  Things are still developing, and the Russians are becoming more conplicit every day.  I’ll spare you my political rantings tonight.  🙂

Be kind.  Peace.  ~MB

 

 

 

 

Early Morning Rantings!

Once again I am awakened at 2am, just am not meant to sleep like a normal person should right now.  I wake up and I am just…up…no going back to sleep in the immediate future.

I had a really great conversation with a great woman that I have been talking to lately.  It wasn’t an easy chat at all, but it was good for both of us I believe.  I confided in her a good bit about my addiction history, and she didn’t go running away like a scared cat. Addiction is not an easy topic to navigate and I admire her for her inquisitiveness on the topic, as it is a big part of who I am and why I am.  I look forward to more conversations with her, about everything.  She is someone I very much want to keep in my life.  🙂

Today was a bit hectic, but seriously productive. I worked til 1pm and then got together with my best friend and went to do our Friday afternoon errands around town.  Every Friday we have a ritual of doing this.  It’s called living paycheck to paycheck.  We get paid, go out and pay our bills, do the shopping for our respective households and take care of whatever else needs doing in town.  It is a struggle sometimes, but I make it work somehow.  And I realize that there are millions of others who are making it work this way as well.  It’s not easy in today’s economy or job market to do it any other way – especially if you don’t have a college education to fall back on, which I don’t.  Sometimes it feels likeI am always trying to play catch up on things, but hey, that’s just how it is.  I do alright.

I visited Trader Joe’s grocery this afternoon, I love that place!  I actually requested an employment application when I was checking out, and the woman who checked me out told me it was a super great place to work.  Everyone in there seems pretty pleasant and happy to be there, so they must enjoy the job.  I love the diversity of people in the place, from old hippies, to housewives, to young dykes, it’s just a palate of different people. They must have a really good company equality policy.  I am going to research the company a bit just to be sure that I would be a good fit there.

I also visited Staples office supply store on my excursion about town.  I needed a ream of copy paper.  They had a really good deal on some excellent quality paper that I had to take advantage of!  That is another place I could picture myself working.  Although a bit more “stuffy” than Trader Joe’s eclectic atmosphere, it would be fun.  I was in the corporate business world for many years and used to frequent the place quite a bit for supplies for my company.  I imagine working with people who were doing the same thing would be right up my alley in skill sets. And being the techno nerd that I am, I can imagine I would probably reinvest in the company and that might not be a good idea!  I’d be buying stuff like crazy.

Meanwhile, in Trumpy-land the Twitterverse is running wild with Trumpy stuff.  This Russian connection thing is really getting out of hand, Jeff Sessions needs to resign and a full investigation needs to ensue.  It just has to happen to put this subject into some sort of understandable terms. I was Tweeting with a friend in Texas who is petrified right now.  Being our age and queer isn’t going to be an easy path under Trump as he keeps going along with ripping away our rights and equalities.  It’s also just plain scary as an American, not withstanding being a part of the LGBTQ community!   Everyone seems to feel the impending doom of being attacked in some way by all of the executive orders and wild things that Trump and his team are doing or proposing to do.  I know I’m fucking scared.

Living in Maine has some pretty unique advantages.  Where I live especially because geographically it’s a great spot.  Right between Boston Mass, and Portland Maine.  I can be at the beach in 5 minutes, in the White Mountains in less than an hour and to either of the two cities in about 45 minutes.  Geographically it’s fucking perfection.  Maine also has a good equality rating. I just read an article in the Bangor Daily News about Maine being at the top when it comes to gender equality.  We also have good protections for the LGBTQ citizens here too.  I am glad that I live in this type of state.  From personal experience I can say that there IS really good gender equality.  Maine women are a fierce and tough lot.  Especially those from “down” Maine, which is actually upstate Maine…it’s a Maine thing…those women are hardened by the lifestyle of living in a very rural state, where you have to be fairly tough to survive.  I live in the more populated area, it’s a bit easier to navigate life here, but my cousins are down Mainers’ and they are not to be messed with.  The women are equal to the men up there in so many ways, they do equal work and expect equal pay. And truth be known, I believe they run the whole fucking show!  I have a healthy respect for my down Maine women cousins. They take no prisoners.

I hope your weekend is a great one!  Signing off from southern Maine….Peace!  ~MB

 

Rules Don’t Apply: Being Butch

butch-name-tag

I am Butch.  A Butch who loves femme women in particular and a member of the Butch-femme community; a community that struggles in today’s politically correct sort of world.  We are more often than not, ostracized for “copy catting or aping” heteronormativity.  My partner is asked why she feels the “need” to be so feminine, and I am grilled about my “wanting to be a man” by those that just don’t understand the Butch-femme dynamics or lifestyle.

Within my own community I find people telling me I should just “transition and get over it” when that is the furthest thing from my mind.  They seem to think that I must “want” to be a guy, because I look and act in more masculine ways.  The truth is that I love being Butch.  I am not afraid of my female parts.  Since I have had chest surgery I am much more comfortable in this female based body.  Sure, I hated my boobs when I had them, but that didn’t mean I had to transition.  Many lesbians, like me, are uncomfortable with their breasts – even some that don’t identify as Butch!  I was just lucky enough to be able to do something about my upper body dysphoria and have the surgery I had wanted for all my life.  I am fine with my body now; I’m flat chested and happy.  I am fine with my masculine appearance and my butch ways.

See, the rules don’t apply to me.  I have chosen to live outside the definitive lines of the gender binary.  I don’t prescribe to much of anything that would label me a girl/woman/female person.  As well as I don’t identify as a male person.  I fall somewhere in the middle of that scale, a gray area where I embody the best of both worlds.  It’s a comfortable place for me, mentally and physically.  I lean hard toward the masculine end of the spectrum, by pure nature.  I was born this way; born Butch.   It’s the only place I fee comfortable, safe and seen.

I am pretty stereotypically Butch.  I dress like a guy, talk like a guy (thanks to the US Army and smoking I have a pretty deep and rough voice) and I embody most things masculine in nature.  I’ve even been told that I think like a dude.  I am not very emotional and I rarely cry….all things that people believe are stereo typical of most Butch women. That tough exterior and rough attitude everyone believes we have. I like to think that Butch is my actual gender, that I am neither man nor woman, but somewhere in between and we call that “Butch” in my world.  In my world Butch is a noun.

I am often mistaken for a guy.  I get called “sir” and “dude” all the time, and it doesn’t bother me.  It often makes me smile, like I have some sort of secret.  I wear my Butch like a scarlet letter, prominent and proud.  I walk the walk and talk the talk so to speak. And it embarrasses me when people who I am with will try to correct those who mis-gender me; somehow it’s easier for me to just shrug it off and laugh to myself. I get a kick out of it.

I feel bad for my friends who are femme lesbians.  They are so invisible. Usually being seen as “straight” all the time.  Only we see each other; we seem to recognize each other somehow.  I know that it must be hard for her when she’s told that she can’t be a lesbian because she’s too pretty, or she hears the dreaded “why do you date girls that look like guys, why not just date a guy instead?”  As Butches and femmes we hear these types of comments, or get these questions, quite often.   I’ve heard some brilliant answers to them over the years.  But it never ceases to amaze me when someone feels so emboldened as to ask such personal stuff.  And it’s always so disappointing to hear it from anyone who identifies with the LGBT community, that just feels like a true back-stab. You would think that they, if anyone, would understand that we are all unique and we all like different things; differing lifestyles and have various tastes.

So when I lace up my Chippewa work boots and tug on that worn old ball cap over my closely cropped crew cut hair, I definitely look the part that I gleefully embody:  Butch to the core.  And loving it. I blur the lines of the gender binary and I am comfortable in my own skin, being authentically who I am, and I never want to change that.

Peace.   ~MB

Sunday Snipets

I am so fucking psyched for the Christmas holiday season this year!  Finally a year where I feel so damned good and things are really looking positive in my life.  I’ve got the world by the proverbial balls right now.  My family is great, the dogs are doing well, my house is in order and I have a new woman in my life. What more can a Butch ask for ?  Sure, I still have my share of hard stuff to deal with, bills and the such, but overall life is sailing along swimmingly!!!

I ordered Ivan Coyote’s new book, A Tomboy Survival Guide, and the Barnes and Noble bookstore emailed and said it’s ready for pick up!  I cannot wait to get it and begin reading the latest works of Ivan. I have all of Ivan’s other books, as a matter of fact I just loaned one to my best friend here.  I’ll have to ask her if she’s reading it yet.

I am looking for more good lesbian books to read and review here and on my YouTube channel.  If you have a recommendation or if you are a writer and want me to read and review your book, please contact me at mainelybutch@yahoo.com  Direct email is the best way to reach me.  I tried to email someone who wanted me to read and review a book and I evidently have the wrong email because when I sent it to the email she indicated in her comment it bounced back as undeliverable.  I WISH that WordPress would add an email account to our pages, that way a reader would not even have to leave the page to email a writer directly.  I do know if I would upgrade to a full website for my blog, which is hosted by WordPress too, that I would have that in the webpage package….so perhaps I will soon do that.  I need to register my web name and invest a few dollars into it I guess.  Perhaps I will seriously consider doing this, it only makes sense.

On the note of doing reviews, I am particularly fond of books about the Butch-femme dichotomy and lifestyle.  Since I am Butch and I tend to date femmes this only makes sense.  But I am also interested in books dealing with sexual identity, Butch and Trans issues and stories.  I blur the gender lines so much that I am often asked if I identify as Trans.  I do identify as Trans-masculine, but not as Trans-gender.  I’ve struggled with my identity for most of my life, and there was a time when I may have questioned my gender, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I am fine being female bodied, as long as I can do it in a masculine way!  I’m definitely the definition of Butch, by stereotype, and that just fits me perfectly.

As far as me writing a book, as I have been told I need to do by so many people, that’s a thought that is definitely in my head. I would love to write a book of short stories of my life experiences and adventures.  I just need to get lined up with a good editor who can push me in the right direction.  I have the stories, some even already on paper or in the computer, but I don’t know how to write a book, or how to put one together for publication.  All things that a good editor would know and would be able to guide me to do.  I suppose I should start looking around and querying as to who I should contact and with which publishing company I should be trying to work with to do a book.  Hmm….2017 is going to be a very big year I think!

Alrighty then, I am off to work on another blog.  What have you read that you think I would like to read?  I’m seriously looking for suggestions!!!  Peace!  ~MB

 

 

 

The Truth Hurts Sometimes

I’ve met more than one woman in my life journey that could not handle all of the technicalities of being with me.  I admit, I am not easy to process.  I have a bit of a troubled history.  Don’t read me wrong, I’m a good person with some high morals and ethics, but I’ve taken some forks in the proverbial road of life that others have managed to avoid.  I’ve had issues with drugs and addiction.  That’s probably the one thing that I’ve struggled with most in my entire life.  When I was young I sought out a safety net for myself and found it substance abuse and the people involved with it.  I wised up in my late 20’s and got clean and sober for many years.  I did the typical “mid-life crisis” shit in my mid 40’s and backslid a bit.

I strive to keep that stuff out of my life now.  I stay away from the “friends” that I have that are involved in that world now.  That’s a big part of how I am staying clean and following the good road now.  I tend to let myself be influenced by them if I hang around them, so now I avoid them and I avoid the whole drug scene.

It’s really hard to meet women as you get older.  Being single isn’t easy in your 50’s, believe me.  But add a history of drug addiction to the menu and it becomes even more difficult.  I completely understand that some people do not understand me or understand addictions.  That is just the way that it is.  When I begin to show interest in anyone I make sure that they know 3 things about me right up front – why?  Because I would rather they walk away sooner rather than after I become attached to them – or God forbid, fall in love with them.  what are my 3 things?  1.  I am Butch and that will never change.  2.  I live with HIV infection, which is under control but it’s a fact of life for me….which leads me to #3…I am a recovering drug addict.

Those 3 facts put me into a whole new space with people.  Either they are able to handle it, and give me a chance, or they are not, which is completely okay.  I get it.  Those are 3 major pieces of who I am.  I can’t hide them very well.   And I don’t want to pretend that I can.  Those 3 things are only a small fraction of what I am made of, but they are important if you are going to be involved with me – or even be a friend to me.  It’s important that you understand that I struggle with all 3 on a daily basis.  That doesn’t mean that I am unhappy – quite to the contrary, I am very happy in general.  But I am well aware that these 3 things make me “different” than the typical 55 year old lesbian with 2 dogs and a college degree.  I bring a whole different scene to the table.

I have lived with my addiction and my HIV for many years.  One lead to the other obviously.  Yes, I was an IV drug user and this is how I contracted the virus.  I’ve been clean for many years, fell off the wagon and got back on a few times.  So what is involved for me is knowing what triggers me to fall off and avoiding it altogether.  I’ve gotten pretty good at that, and I am proud to say that living clean and right is what I strive to do every day now.

It’s not easy being with someone who has addiction in their history, and it’s even harder when you add HIV.   I know the precautions to protect my partner from HIV but there is no protection from addiction.  No guarantee that I won’t relapse again, except for my sheer determination to stay on the straight path.  I don’t know how to reassure someone that I will stay on this path.  I guess they either have to believe me, or not.  There is no magic bullet or cure – for either condition.

I don’t want to pursue anything beyond a basic friendship with anyone who can’t deal with the baggage that I carry.  I know everyone has their struggle in life and their burdens to bear, mine are just a little more difficult for some people to understand, and that’s perfectly fine.  There are zillions of other people out there to be involved with, I am just one.

I have been fortunate to have been involved over the years, with women who gave me the benefit of doubt; who trusted me and tried to understand my complications.  I’ve sincerely appreciated them.  I’ve been lucky.

Right now I am trying to deal with quite a full plate of issues in my personal life.  I’ve avoided bringing anyone else into my life for this reason.  But I so want someone special in my life on a regular basis.  I would like to let down that wall that keeps me by myself.  I’ve punished myself for the past 2 yeas now and I’m sick and tired of it.  I’ve seen people who say they care disappear more than once.  I built a wall around myself, insulated myself from hurt and despair.  But it’s not a happy place all the time.  I want to learn to trust again, and to love again.

I’m a good person, I am strong, sensitive and caring.  I deserve to find someone good who can deal with life with me and who won’t be afraid of my past.  Someone who sees me for who I am now and not who I once pretended to be.  But how can anyone believe in someone who has such a history?  I don’t know if it can be done, which is exactly what I fear the most.  (although my ex did it for almost 14 years and never let it sway how she felt about me…so perhaps it could be possible again.)  I long for a good strong relationship that will endure.  Something beyond “just friends” –dammit, I want to be loved and understood.  Maybe it’s just too much to ask for at this point.

Ok, let me close this up before my mind explodes.  I am trying so hard to just be cheerful for the holiday season, and to keep on keeping on.  But tonight I was reminded of my flaws (see above) and it stung hard.  I am hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst – as always it seems.  Sometimes the truth just hurts.  There’s no way around it.

Peace.  ~MB

Speaking Out

I’ve  been relatively subdued on social media about the political debacle that is currently taking place here in America.  Today I kind of vented some of my frustrations on my Facebook page.  For those who are interested you can check out my page or read below.

“I haven’t said much since the election.  But I feel the palpable hate seething in this nation.  I watch the news and am watching carefully as DJT picks his team….Steve Bannon? Is he serious?  I can’t just watch some of these appointments without speaking out.  I don’t want to see civil rights go backwards 50 years – or more.

I am not out there protesting; I’m doing it from the comfort of my own home though.  I am not protesting the election result, I accept it.  But I am very concerned with where he takes us now that he has secured the office.  This is a man with no real time political experience.  He has the future of our country and our well being in his hands.  When he appoints a person such as Mr. Bannon to be his top advisor it concerns me greatly.

I condemn violence. I condemn racism, hate, misogyny, classic and all separation between people.  I condemn the destruction of property and violence in the name of democracy.  I do not condemn anyone’s act of protest as given by 1 st amendment rights.

Don’t tell us to get over it or to move on.  Tell us it’s going to be okay, because you and my fellow Americans will hold the new president to a truly American standard.

People are protesting because they and their families, friends, and loved ones very place at the American table has been threatened or undermined by DJT’s campaign rhetoric and promises.  

There has been a visible increase in hatred and violence against many minority groups just since the election November 8th.  I’ve personally heard the use of derogatory words by people who somehow now feel emboldened to say things that maybe they wouldn’t have said before. It makes me wonder what else they may fell is now okay to say or do.

I am a white woman.  I know I have some privilege because of this, this fact is not lost on me.  But I am also a Butch lesbian which throws me into a minority group that feels very threatened right now — the LGBT community.Maybe my fears of what DJT will do in office will be unfounded, but I have to wonder if it will be once again OK to bash gays?

We are about to enter a very different era and many things remain to be seen. I am hoping for and will fight for the best.  I stand ready to serve my communities and my country in whatever way possible to move us forward in a continued positive direction. I stand beside my brethren in our continued fight for equality for all people across this land.  I will respect the rights of those who oppose me to have their own opinion as well as their right to speak it.  Bit I will not to?stats words of hate, being called names or being bashed for what I believe to be right and true.  

I conclusion, I wish peace and love to prevail.  I hope we can ALL come together in collective understanding one day. I wish everyone true happiness, prosperity and success under our new president-elect.  And God bless America.”

I have unfriended a couple of real ignorant people who were being outwardly hostile after the election.  I’ve read some real doozies of comments bashing the protestors or gloating about Trump winning.  I held my tongue and didn’t immediately respond about the election.  Hell I was shell shocked and didn’t know what to say at first.  But I finally had to vent a little.  This post was the result.  I’m sure it would have been much longer and more detailed had it not been a Facebook post to begin with.  

So far the feedback has been positive.  But I am sure that there will be negative comments to come.  Everyone has the right to their own opinion as I said.  And I have a right to mine as well.  

I’ll be writing more about this as we see what happens I am sure.