In the Fog..

That’s where I have been lately…in the fog.  I’m feeling a whole slew of ways.  Emotions are such fucked up things most of the time.  I’ve been trying like hell to sort through them all, from those feelings of loss, to feelings of renewed strength.  It’s no easy task.  I’ve been burying most of my emotions for months now…and the build up is working it’s way towards either an implosion or an explosion…both are pulling in equal directions!

I haven’t been writing much at all.  Which is VERY unlike me.  I have always written at least every other day…but for some reason I am avoiding the keyboard, the phone and the pen/paper like mad.  So, tonight I am determined to do some writing here; to sort through some stuff.  You are welcome to read along, but let me forewarn you that this may be a bit discombobulated or it may make perfect sense…THAT is yet to be seen.

What’s been going on in my life?  The same daily struggles of course.  Working my 3 days a week, puttering around the house.  Playing in my gardens.  I’ve been laying pretty low, not causing much commotion – as if I could!  LOL  I like things rather quiet.  I enjoy my home and spend a good amount of time here, working around inside and out.  Making it as nice a home as I can for the dogs and I.

I’ve been trying to talk my best friend in to moving in with me, her and her 2 cats.  It would make life so much easier on both of us, sharing expenses and being company for one another.  But she has her house that she owns, and one of the cats is very old and she’s afraid that he will not adapt to new surrounds this late in his life.  I say he will.  But it’s just not happening.  So, I spend most of my evenings alone, chatting on FB messenger with friends, or watching TV, reading and sometimes writing.  I’ve been pretty absorbed in US politics…a whole other topic for another time.  The last 2 days I have had to back off and take a break from it…it’s just so incredibly chaotic over here in the USA…incredibly fucked up to put it bluntly and honestly.

Been doing some thinking about people that I miss in my life.  Wishing that there weren’t so many good-byes.  But understanding that that is just part of life.  People come and people go.  Some stay a while, some retreat quite abruptly.  I miss the Spanish chick, still.  And I miss a couple of other’s who have dropped out of my life.  But, alas, life does go on and whether those people are still in it or not is completely up to them in most cases.

I’ve changed in the past couple of years — doesn’t everyone change with time?  I am more sure of myself in knowing what I want and don’t want.  What I don’t want is “temporary” people in my life.  I don’t want to play games, or pretend to be someone I am not just to make someone else comfortable. I don’t want to be used for any reason.  I am a strongly opinionated person, I have good morals and ethics that I am committed to and I will not waiver in my commitment to them for anyone.  What I do want is more truth in life.  Genuine people who care about others and are not self-centered or self-absorbed.  I like people who are engaged in life, who read and stay informed about what’s going on in the world, who understand that all of our lives are intertwined and connected.

I had a young friend just come out to her family today.  It was really super sweet, they stepped right up and were whole-heartedly supportive of her!  Insuring her that they love her and are proud that she found her voice and exited the closet!  Her mom is a very good friend of mine, and she called me today to talk about it, to insure herself that she had responded lovingly enough!  I thought THAT was awesome of her!  My young friend is just 21, she’s got her whole life ahead of her and now she can move forward without that nagging “fear” of being “found out”….we all know that fear, and how paralyzing it can be.  Coming out is a very personal thing, and is not always received like this one way, with love and dignity.  Sometimes it goes in the opposite direction, sadly.  I’m just happy that this one went so well!  I am always happy to support and mentor young LGBT folks who contact me, and I knew that this one would eventually do so..it was just a matter of time.  I have known her all of her life, and could see that she was struggling with this over the last couple of years specifically. But I thought it best to let her come to us, instead of confronting her on this very personal issue.  In the end this is what happened, and everyone is doing great tonight!  Welcome to our community young Ash!  🙂

Took Lulu and Nola out for a walk around the neighborhood tonight.  We all needed to get out for some exercise and fresh air.  We waited until around 7 to take advantage of the setting sun and cooling off of temps.  Even Lulu actually WALKED on her leash today! That’s progress as she would rather be carried most of the time, lazy baby girl!  She walked with enthusiasm today!  So I have decide to make it a nightly thing, to help us get in better shape.  Nola and I could stand to lose some weight and Lulu needs to fatten up and get some more muscle.  So this will definitely benefit us all!  Nola and I are both getting older and it’s not easy to keep the weight off of either of us.  I personally could lose a good 25 lbs and be a lot happier with my appearance.  Nola is about 22 lbs.  She should be more like 17…so she has a proportionate amount of weight to lose, at least 5 lbs.  We’ll keep you posted on our progress.  I am going to buy a weighing scale this weekend.  I don’t even own one now…but need one to keep track of our progress.  Yeah, it’s gotten that bad!  I usually lose it faster in the summer, but it’s not happening this year like it has in the past.  So the weight war begins….lol

So, it’s a nice cool night.  I am heading to  bed soon, to cuddle with the pups and get some rest.  Tomorrow I have a bunch of little things to get done around here and then I have doctor visits on Wednesday; work Thursday and Friday and then do it all over again.  I am planning to go to the beach this weekend.  Not sure which one yet, but I’m definitely due for a beach day with the dogs.  Sun and surf on the agenda!

I’ve been talking to one woman lately about feminism and Butch bashing.  It seems that she’s involved in a group on FB that’s mostly femmes and they discuss femme lesbian issue and ideas.  She tells me that there is some “Butch bashing” going on lately.  And that some of the more extreme feminist leaning women have been saying things like “why date a woman who looks like the opposition?” (meaning men I assume).  I find that quite insulting.  That is bashing in it’s finest to me.  I found that to be a new insult, hadn’t heard that one before. Especially from a femme identified person.

You would think that if they were part of the B-F community that they would understand by now that saying that is just not right.  I am told the people saying this are more for femme to femme play, and relationships, so this may explain the odd statement, although it makes it no more less hurtful.  I do not view men as “opposition” at all.  There’s a little bit of asshole in everyone of us.  I try to view and treat people as I wish to be treated.  With respect and compassion.  Yes, I am Butch.  I am masculine in presentation and mannerisms.  I tend to push the binary very hard.  If someone finds this offensive, or to be emulating their “opposition” then that’s on them, and I don’t care to have it in my life.  I am who I am.  Butch and proud.

Do you have any examples of Butch or femme bashing?  I’d like to hear from others on this topic.

Peace!  ~MB

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These are MY Opinions

I have been vlogging on Youtube since March of 2009, and have done well over 700 videos in total, most about my life, my experience and my views on various topics ranging from politics, to local news to LGBT issues and lifestyles.  I have also been blogging in written word for even more years here on WordPress and on other blog sites over the years (although now it’s only here on WP which I totally love and prefer over all others).  I’ve seen all the types of hate and disagreement possible from both venues.  I’ve watched the drama unfold on Facebook as well.  Internet bullshit is just that – bullshit.  I tend to just over-look it and move on with my own stuff.  I do what I want, when I want, for whatever reason I want.  Period.  I do that in real life as well, I walk my own walk and as no one’s permission or approval in doing so.  If you happen to be a reader or Youtube viewer, then you know I have a strong personality and I speak my mind fairly freely.  I tend to pull no punches, I don’t strive to aggravate anyone (ok, maybe Republicans on occasion! LOL)  or fight with anyone regarding any issue.  I will gladly have a civilized debate if necessary.  But mostly I just put my writing and videos out there, and I read the comments, occasionally I even change my opinion if another view that I hadn’t considered comes to my attention.  Remember, there are always options to your thoughts, other ways to think, that are just as valid as yours or my own.  I get that and I accept it fully.

I bring this up because I have gotten some backlash and been judged harshly for stating my opinions on some written blogs here on WordPress that I recently wrote about, then I got similar backlash on Youtube after speaking in defense of and about Butch-Femme dynamics after someone else had called the lifestyle “bullshit” in another video on the same venue.  There has been some attempt to get me to engage in a back and forth video battle with this other person, which I am totally not going to do.  I state my opinions, my own personal views and takes on issues and subjects that interest me.  I don’t feel that I should necessarily be “judged” for putting out my own opinions, thoughts and views on any subject – whether those thoughts were perpetuated by another, or they are merely my reaction to something I encounter in daily life or online.  I have all of the same rights to voice my opinions and experiences and to draw my own personal conclusions – based upon what I know from my own experiences – as anyone else in this country has.  No one has the right to say another is wrong to make their voices heard – especially on a free and open platform such as WordPress or Youtube. 

The beauty of these platforms and of our society is that it’s a free world.  You are free to watch or read whatever you choose – or not read what you do not want to read/watch.  It’s simple, if my opinions fly in the face of your reality then don’t listen to me, don’t watch me and don’t write and call me names because I will not engage in your fight.  And if it’s not “your” fight, and you don’t have the guts to even put up a profile photo or a video of your own, yet you feel strong enough to call me names, then shame on you…who are you hiding from besides yourself?  I don’t watch what I don’t care for.  And sometimes I even start to watch someone and then dislike the video and don’t even finish watching it, especially if it’s very negative in content.  Why would I want to even watch people who are negative and condenscending in nature to begin with?  It’s a waste of my time, my energy and the power supply of my computer in all reality for me. 

I speak aobut life from MY own Butch Perspective, based upon what I see, read, and experience in my own life.  I need no ones permission to do this.  Nor do I require or need anyone’s approval of any kind.

I appreciate constructive conversation and I value criticism when it’s applied correctly and respectfully.  I thank all of my loyal readers and followers and I value their opinions as well.  I want to thank the many, many who wrote me dozens of notes and sent tons of messages of support after my recent Butchphobia blog on WordPress, and my following video on Youtube.  It’s because of YOU that I still do this stuff, that I am fearless to put my perspectives out there – no matter what the controversy.  I appreciate the open mindedness of my audience, the interaction with good people, and the honest conversations that we have – even when they do not match my own opinions. 

Everyone has their haters, those who wish to detract from the messages and those who will bring hateful, negative and bashing comments to one’s pages.  I am not immune to that kind of person any more than anyone else who puts themselves out there honestly on line would be.  There’s always someone who will try to pick a fight, cause you discomfort, shame and try to get you to retract your words.   I handle it like most everything else – let it roll off my shoulders and fall away .  I will not be silenced because someone out there doesn’t care for my words, opinions or views on any topic.  I also will not engage in bad arguments, name calling or verbal bashing of another’s opinion either.

It’s just not something I want or will do.