Accidental Explosion…don’t try this at home!

Daily Press…“Write about something that you did that you would advise a friend to never do.”

I once built a horse barn from 2” thick rough cut lumber.  Being rough cut, it was not dimensionally perfect, in other words 2” “rough” cut meant it was straight from the mill’s saw, no finishing, no making it “exactly” 2” by whatever dimension I needed.  It was 2.25” or 2.50” x 4.10”…so the barn was a feat of engineering genius to say the least.  It was about 2” out of square when finished, but 2” over a 40’ diagonal was not too shabby for a bunch of amateur barn builders!  And you couldn’t tell, unless you put a tape across it, which I doubt you would think to do as you marveled at the heavy duty construction and beauty of this solidly built horse enclosure.

During the process of building the barn we manufactured many, many scraps of wood, little blocks to 3’ long sticks that were unusable due to knots or warps, or just too short to use anywhere. And believe me we used every available piece that was suitable along the process.  As we accumulated these scraps we would wheel barrow them by the full lload out to the bon-fire pit in the back yard.  Now the pit sat about 50’ from the back door of the house, and was surrounded by rocks that I had rolled into place, making about a 12’ circle of stones.  Load by load we dumped these scraps on top of some brush and the pile grew and grew. 

One night near the end of the barn construction we decided to burn the bon-fire pit full of scrap wood.  We had one issue, it would not light.    Thus, David and I applied first some horse hay to try to start the fire.  That just wasn’t enough to get things burning. As the crowd watching us grew, the kids came closer and we all discussed how to get the fire going so we could sit around and sip on our beverages of choice while watching the crackling orange and blue flames grow in the darkness.  The anticipation for a raging inferno of fire, safely contained within the confines of our stone pit, was palpable amoung our audience.  Everyone was getting chilly and wanted warm fire to gather around.

But being the brilliant engineers of our own demise, we decided that gasoline would greatly enhance the burn properties of this large, no mamouth, pile of debris and little blocks.  The pile was about 3’ high and almost 10’ around inside of the pit.  Yes, folks, we applied about 3 gallons of good old gasoline.  Ah, then something happened that we didn’t anticipate.  We let the gasoline sit for a few minutes as we gathered things together, and to let it “soak” into the wood…or so we thought was a good idea.

As David lowered to light the lighter and get the fire started I suddenly had an epiphany…the gas can was very near to the fire, I ran as he sparked the lighter, toward the can scooped it up and whisked it away just in time to hear a horrificly loud explosion behind me as I felt my backside being struck by blocks of splintered and burning wood.  The gas had built up fumes under the wood pile. When the spark hit those fumes it instantly ignited and lifted the entire HUGE pile skyward, scattering it in all directions like flaming projectiles. 

David was blown backwards about 20 feet and his eyebrows were gone.  Casey was also blown off his feet and his jacket set afire.  I fell to the ground face first after being hit by the projectile wood blocks and everyone else screamed and was totally shocked to see that pile go so high into the air as the gas fumes ignited inside the confines of the little spaces between the blocks. We had basically created our own backyard bomb by mistake.

We were all very lucky to escape with our lives, what we did was very stupid and very dangerous.  Never use gasoline to start a fire…for any reason. And remember to leave room between your “kindling” for circulation! 

Our house didn’t burn down luckily. Our guest’s son said the most memorable word at the moment after explosion when he yelled “A W E S O M E!!!”  Of course, the thought that we MEANT to blow up the pile and almost be killed as he watched from about 50’ away.  That explosion will forever be ingrained in his childhood memory bank for sure.  He thought it was the coolest thing ever.

My partner just shook her head after she ran out from inside the house to see what I had blown up this time…only a Butch, she said shaking her head…only a Butch. 

And that, my friend, is something that I did that I would highly advise that you never do!

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Who God Intended Me to Be

I personally have no idea what it’s like to be any other way than Butch lesbian.  I know some people “come out” later in life and “figure out” they are LGBT…or that they are Butch or Femme,  a tweener, a granola, queer, or __________(fill in the blank with your favorite identity marker or label).  For me it’s just something I have always known inside of my skin and brain..  How does this kind of deep, from the beginning kind of knowing make me different?  Do we behave, in some way differently, as we come into our own in different ways as people; as lesbians – and lovers of women?

I have to wonder what it’s like to think you are straight, and then to decide you are gay/lesbian at some later point in life.…I can’t fathom that kind of thought pattern; of something that I feel that I was born with, that was ingrained into my DNA from birth.  I’m not speaking about those who knew but hid the fact from themselves and others, but about those who have had honest “awakenings” to the idea or fact that they were attracted not to the opposite sex, but to the same sex. Some call themselves late bloomers, or out laters.  I was just born this way, grew up a lesbian and knew no other way.

The Butch-Femme world is a whole other story.  I would imagine that it could be a hard world to “break in to” for someone who does not “get” the dynamic right from the get-go.  I’ve had women approach me and utter those strange words “I am not sure if I am Femme or not, but I like Butches”…and I have to wonder; wonder what thought bring those words to their mouths. Then come the “I want to learn” or “teach me” words that petrify just about any Butch I know.  Certainly does me that’s for sure.  Those words do not exude any kind of confidence or knowing of the Butch-Femme dance.

So loving women is loving women, but the Butch-Femme dynamic plays out so very differently than the standard granola style of loving women.  It’s just a different world. It’s a different existence and way of being altogether; it’s a lifestyle and a love-style.  I hear women say “I just love women”.  Well I do as well, but romantically I am only attracted to Femme women. That’s just how it is for me.

Ok, you say, so what is a Femme woman? What constitutes the definition of a Femme?

Here is my personal perception, whic, I am sure varies slightly from Butch perspective to Butch perspective, but this is how I see it for the biggest part:

A Femme is the gentler of the two in the Butch-Femme; she is the more effeminate, exhibiting much more comfort with her own femininity and all things feminine in her world.  Because of her surrounding her own self with that, she desires contrast in the romantic realm, someone to perhaps rough out the edges, so that they are not so femininely smooth as they are when she is alone.   While a Butch can be gentle she also brings that certain bravado of roughness that is necessary for a Femme to feel…well, Femme!

A Femme is much more in touch with her emotional side, not afraid to show emotion or deal with it in any way.  She will speak her mind, with no uncertainty and no hesitation.  She knows what she wants and how to get it.  Her self-confidence is a breath of fresh air, in the eyes of this Butch.

A Femme is sexy; exuding sexy all the time. yet, she easily hides in the crowd, appearing to blend in with the psuedo-normalcy of her world’s hetero sisters.  Never is her heel wearing, purse toting, skirt swishing ass questioned when she enters a gendered space, such as the ladies room or a dressing room.  She walks always and anywhere with an inner – but evident – confidence, poise and attitude that only a Femme can display.

A Femme knows fairly well where she can and cannot go with her Butch in the bedroom.  Every Butch being unique, she somehow knows and understands the boundaries and maneuvers the minefields of her lover’s body carefully, as only a Femme can do with a Butch.  She’s known these moves all of her life, as only a Femme does, and she brings a comfort and relaxation to her Butch that only she can bring.  Butches who try to be with others (non-Femme identified lesbians) sometimes find themselves in those very uncomfortable situations of having to “explain” their bodies and desires, something no Butch likes to verbalize ever…and soon those situations go awry; never really satisfying either party as much as the Butch Femme dynamic can do for those involved.

A Femme knows what her primary place is in the home; that starting and operating the chainsaw is not her job.  She knows what her Butch likes, what she hates and those things that do not matter either way.  She’s not afraid to pump her own gas, but when her Butch is present she knows better than to even get out of the car to try.  She knows that asking her Butch to do laundry comes with a disclaimer that things may be shrunken or discolored and that risk is real. Yes, we each know our strengths and our places amoungst the affray of life.

A Femme gets her way by allowing her Butch to always be seen as the strong Butch that she is, for by doing that her happiness is dynamically secured.  The way a Femme recognizes the masculine and the non-masculine in a Butch is a skill she seems to be born with, and that comes as second nature to her from the very beginning of the understanding her own Femme existence.

Some say this is mimicking of a hetero relationship.  I say it is not.  It is the dynamic that we are comfortable with, the feminine and the masculine – in two women – combined to meet each individual party’s needs, expectations and compatibilities.  It emphasizes the strengths of the Femme and the honor of the Butch in ways that only they can understand; that only a Butch-Femme couple can really fathom in their world.

I don’t ask for complete understanding of my lifestyle.  Only that people allow me to live my way and not try to criticize me for being exactly who God intended me to be.  And also to allow my Femme to do the very same thing – be her own woman.  She’s comfortable in her own skin, I am not comfortable in mine.  Without her I am naked and laid vulnerable to the cruelty of the world.  With her by my side I am protected, as is she by me.  I make her visible, she makes me secure in myself.   Perhaps in that simple sentence is the answer to why anyone is in any relationship, we make each other happy and secure.  Love does that.  All love; any love

Rock on.

Relationship Checklist

During the month of July, 2010, I did a video blog – or a vlog – called “Lesbian Dating Application” which was very funny, but serious too as it laid out all of the things that would and would not work in a relationship for me. Here I would like to revise that previous performance, and update it, because originally it was filmed over 2 years ago, and we all know how life and situations change; how we can change too.  So I believe updating in both written and video is necessary at this time.

Script goes something like this. 

Dating is hard these days.  You never know what kind of weird stuff that beautiful Femme in front of you has going on in that pretty little head or what she will pull out of her Guici handbag of tricks.   Wouldn’t it be cool if we had paperwork? Like a “lesbian dating application” listing out what will and will not work for use and ask them to indicate their take on each question.  While some can and would be simple yes or no, others would probably require some thought and effort in putting together a serious answer.

The Interview Itself:

  • So if you throw  the application back in my lap and stand up to leave…it might now work out.
  • If you show up to the interview looking like a 14th street hooker….it might not work out.
  • If you have more tattoos than I do…it probably won’t work.  While the occasionaly tat is nice on a woman, I find large tats and full sleeve tats to be a bit over the top for my taste in who I can see myself with long term.
  • Same goes for piercings, if there is metal protruding from your face or your ears are gaged and flopping like a basset hound’s then I am just not interested, thus it just won’t work.
  • If you sit there smacking gum, talking with a thick hood-style accent and vocabulary…nope, definitely won’t work.
  • If your cell phone is not set to silent during my time, my interview time that is, and she stops me mid-question to take a call from your recent ex-lover…get the fuck out.  Not going to work.
  • If you must bring a girlfriend or friend to the interview for “moral support” you might as well turn around and exit stage left cuz that shit just isn’t cool and it will not work.  I had asked to spend this time alone with you, and do not need a chaperone.
  • If you show up on your lunch hour and expect to be munching on your lunch while I am trying to interview you, it will just not work.  I need your focus and undivided attention during a serious conversation.  Had I wanted to do a lunch interview I would have reserved a table somewhere.
  • Now if you show up with lunch for both of us…we might be able to work something out because you obviously took the time to think of me as well, and that is impressive.
  • If you start any answer with the word “Ya know Girl” or “Oh Girl let me tell you….”  It’s just not going to work, because you obviously have me confused with some Femme you must have applied to for the same reason. Same goes for the pronouns, miss, ma’m, lady, and sometimes woman, in the way you are addressing me as a persona senses of the words.  If you know I am Butch you would know that I do not care a lot for the prissy female ways of being addressed.
  • If you come to the interview and are polite, courteous, smiling, have a great attitude and you obviously took the time to dress nicely and do your hair and nails, then I definitely am interested in seeing if we can work this out.  Especially if you brought lunch…awww, how did you know that liverswurst is my favorite??

Remember, your chance to leave a good first impression on someone will stick with them. And that first impression is made in the first 30 seconds of contact.  I can tell if you are someone I would date within a very short period of time.  I am all about first impressions, and about being with a woman who takes the time to make sure that she is always up to par and giving off good first impressions – even in her everyday life.  I do not want things to become “sweatshirt and braless” within 2 weeks of us starting a relationship.  Because that means you just did the interview appearance up to impress me upfront, but aren’t interested in how much I love my woman to look damned good every day; as well as for her to be making great first impressions on my family, friends and the general public And I like it when you are on my arm and we are out around town together, and we both look good…getting smiles from friendly strangers wherever we go…that is important to me and if you are like that too, then this will definitely work.

Key Points of the Relationship Expections: The Issues

  • Sundays are reserved for football, and I love my Sunday games, so scheduling a 1:00 dinner with your friends from work and expecting me to go with you….just not going to work.
  • If you are going to force me to go shopping for “girl things” like clothing, handbags or shoes…we will have issues.  I don’t care for that kind of shopping, and unless you are ok with me perusing the tool department while you clothes shop, then we’ll definitely have issues.
  • It’s 2012…if you have to question every cell phone call and text I receive then we will have issues.  Trust is a big thing, and jail breaking my cell phone while I sleep is punishable by breaking up!
  • Same goes for my computer.  It’s my private world, my solace and my place of refuge.  I have a lot of private writing on there, and when I want to share it I will, but catching you at 3am trying to figure out how to close out of my email account will piss me off and you will be leaving shortly there-after.
  • I suffer from B.E.D.D.  This is Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder which is the basic Butch trait of not always showing emotion or emotional reaction to things you think I should react to right away.  I sometimes appear clueless when you are crying, you have to tell me why..I can’t read your mind for hell’s sake!  And when I am not reacting in the way you think I should, remember BEDD.  It’s not contagious.
  • If we have to ever use the word “let” in a sentence accompanied by “you” then we will have issues.  I am my own individual, you will not have to “let me” do anything once you are standing outside with your suitcase packed.   Yes, “let” will definitely mean we have issues.
  • If you don’t love my dog, or are jealous of Nola, it will cause us to have issues.  I adore that dog, and she doesn’t talk back, nag or require weekly manicures, so she’s an easy keeper.  Are you?  If not then I can see issues in our future.
  • If you think you are going to drive when I am in the car we will have issues.
  • Same goes for pumping gas and getting maintenance done on the car.  I like to do that stuff, it’s a Butch thing…let me, or we will have some issues.
  • If you are highly jealous it could cause nasty issues.  I am a very social person, I have friends that I go fishing with, play pool with and hang out with (sometimes without you) and I get phone calls, texts and emails from them.  Because I have friends does not mean that I am any less committed to our relationship, it just means I am a social creature…and I encourage you to have friends too.  We can be happily individualized, and still be a great couple!  I get aggravated with jealousy.  Trust me, and I will trust you.
  • Baggage is something we all have.  Dragging up my past and using it in anyway against me will decidedly cause some issues.  I won’t throw your baggage around, so don’t toss mine across the room either.  If my baggage concerns you then we need to do some talking, so that we don’t have issues.
  • Addressing a Butch can sometimes be a mine field.  Our personalities and outward appearance often doesn’t match our mental state surrounding our identification.  Calling me cheesy pet names like “pumpkin, peaches, or tootsie” will drive me nuts.  Calling me Babe or Honey can work, but be very careful in that minefield please.  I’d hate to see you blown up by this issue.
  • If you have a drug and alcohol problem worse than mine then we will have issues.   Because I detest drunks, and will not put up with drunken behavior…now if you want to have some wine in the evening while we cuddle in front of the TV I am cool with that, but constant drinking will bring up serious issues.
  • The only time I am okay with lying is when it’s to hide a surprise party or something special.  Lying will cause issues.  I can smell a lie on your breath, so don’t’ even try it.  Plus, if you feel it’s necessary to lie to me then we determinately have issues.
  • I am playful and like to tease.  If you take everything I say seriously then you will have issues.

So, in closing up here this is basically what I am saying; I’m easy to get along with and pretty laid back.  My biggest fear is being able to trust someone with my heart and life in general.  Any kind of hidden agenda will not go over well with me.  You have no need to be sneaky, conniving or to hide things from me.  Be up front, be honest and we will never have issues.  When I ask you a question I like to get straight forward answers to the whole question, not the bare minimum that you think will cover it.

To quote the song, I’m lookin for a lover who won’t love another, but she’s so hard to find.  So I’ve been taking it easy, and not doing any deep searching.  If  she walks in and wants that interview, I have my pad and the applications all ready to go.  Of course I will also need your Carfax. LOL

In all seriousness, dating is scary.  Relationships are sometimes frightening prospets of vulnerability to a Butch.  It means laying ones heart on the line and hoping like hell she doesn’t stomp on it with her 4” stiletto heels.  It means having a confidence that she’s going to protect that heart and bear witness to an oft tormented soul and that she’ll do it with the utmost respect and privacy.  The lifetime I’ve seen of wear and tear on my heart has perhaps hardened it slightly, but it’s still pumping life-vital blood and it still has room for more cracks and chips.  I am still a loving and caring Butch, and I still want that perfect-for-me Femme in my life on a daily basis. I’m ready to love again; ready to give it my all.  I just hope she shows up soon and that she’s ready for the challenge of MainelyButch.

Thanks to all of my readers here and my viewers on Youtube who cross over here to read my stuff as well.  I truly appreciate you all and I so enjoy sharing my writing and thoughts with the world and all of you.  Comments are encouraged and appreciated!

Older Posts …

In transferring files from another computer I am encountering writing that I have done in the past and will be posting, to keep them where I am hoping that they will not be lost should another computer glitch happen.  So if some of my posts seem to be out of time-sync please understand that some ARE out of sync!  Especially some of the poetry.  And because of WP’s inability to seemingly save drafts lately I am now doing all writing in MS Word and bringing it over to WP by copy/paste options.   I got a bit tired of rewriting, although sometimes rewriting is a good thing, pulling it all out of my brain repeatedly is tiring.  Thanks for the support of my readers like you…and enjoy!  Leave your comments when you feel compelled!  

More…3/09

You sense I’m coming round

Lately, nowhere to be found

But my steps coming near

And only your ears shall hear

As I knock upon your door

Feet floating across the floor

You answer in a gown so white

Visions of power at midnight

Let me in to be with you

Erasing your mood so blue

Let me take you into my arms

And work my magic charms

As I force you to the floor

Kicking closed that old door

And you stare straight up at me

I want to be all you can see

Sweet eyes pleading for more

Pleasure yearning to be free

Our unbroken silence is golden

It is you that I am now holding

Your fear of me subsides

Stars reflecting  in your eyes

As I revel in your scent

My mind twisted and bent

I make you beg for more

Feeling you in my core

Our lips and skin do meet

In your melody so sweet

You, dancing in my head

I throw you onto our bed

And the angry ocean outside

Our balcony does somewhere hide

Like waves crashing on your shore

Again, you plead and beg for more

I bend to whisper in your ear

Just loud enough for you to hear…

That comfort you feel inside

It is where I do always hide

Until the next time my dear

Remember, nothing to fear.

More on My Personalized Butch Template

More great things I did not include in the last blog about the”Butch Visibility” stuff.  These are just  sort of some of the things incorporated into my own Butch Template, they feel engrained, sort of like they are just THERE and I can’t explain why; but they are  reasons and nuances of my own Butch-hood…the way it’s gone down for me and whatI enjoy about it all.

  • Sports bars and fist pumping
  • Fishing with the guys at 4am on a Saturday morning
  • Burnouts, 360’s and wheelies, yeee haaa
  • The hardest wardrobe choice I have to make is what color boxer-briefs I will wear today.
  • I can be up and ready in 10 minutes…power shower included.
  • Old spice deodorant
  • Aero Cologne…with Lagerfeld and Tommy Hillfiger as my back up go to guys
  • John Wayne….Brad Pitt….Johnny Depp….all great Butch idols
  • Going into an auto supply or a mechanic and having them actually listen and take me seriously.
  • Fixing things…anything, the car, the house, her blow dryer…
  • Techno gadgets and the fact that I am a Techno-Geek-Butch who Femmes often email or call for computer help and advice
  • Being able to hold my own in a good debate, argument or the occasional bar fight of days gone by.
  • Hanging out with strong, rough, well defined males role models, who teach me the finer points of being dashingly Butch without the macho crap of some male personalities.  I can leave the crap on the cutting room floor.
  • A firm FIRM strong handshake!
  • The days of drinking, shooting pool, winning and dangling ciggs as I hung over the pool table to take my shots.
  • Driving muscle cars and kick ass trucks, ATV’s, Smowmobiles, Stomp Chompers, and dirt bikes.
  • Working hard and proud at predominately male dominated jobs.  And doing a damned good job!
  • The sound of high heels walking next to me.
  • Victorias Secret catalogs….need I say more???
  • Spitting contests…for which watermelon seeds work the best.
  • My knife collection…just makes me happy as hell.
  • Sunday, Monday and Thursday FOOTBALL!
  • Driving…long distances and short, I just love to drive.
  • Being a bit sentimental and sending notes and cards to friends…hey not everything is so Butch!
  • Tatoos that mean something.
  • Social networking and meeting great new people…like here

I am not sure how we got onto this subject, but it’s just played around in my head, and I do things and think, “hey there’s another one!”  I just enjoy life, writing and being Butch.  Butch is Good.