Hot, Hot, Hot!

Whoa!  It was some fucking hot here in Maine today!  It got up to about 95 here where I live in little town southern Maine.  And that is not only very hot, but very unusual for this part of the country.  We generally don’t see temperatures in the 90’s until late July, early August, and even then they are short lived.  Good summer temps here are generally in the high 80’s and the humidity can vary depending on rainfall and how close you are to the water.  I get a lot of ocean breeze here where I am, which is kind of nice.  You can always tell when the tide is rolling in because you can smell the salt in the air.

My moods have been fucked up lately. But I am feeling better overall.  I know that the moods are affected by my various medications, and that’s to be somewhat expected, but still it can be aggravating to me.  I am going to try a new product, called Kratom.  I’ll be doing a bunch of research on it this weekend and hopefully finding some quality product to try out.  It came as a recommendation from a good friends in California who uses it for pain relief and a mood booster — which is close to exactly what I would want to use it for.  It’s an herbal productr from Asia, and isn’t FDA approved, but it’s legal and it has been shown to have significant benefits used in the correct manner.  I’d love to hear from any one who has any personal experience with Kratom as to how you like it and what kinds of benefits it has brought to you.

The house looks pretty good.  I am getting ready to paint the font and back porches, spruce them up a bit.  They could use a good coat of new paint.  I did get the skirting done on both porches, so that animals can’t easily get under there and bother me.  We have some resident ground hogs that live under our various neighborhood sheds.  Hopefully they will stay out of the veggie garden!

I been catching up on my blog reading, so if you are seeing comments from me suddenly on your blogs it’s because I am playing catch up.  This last month I have been really not reading or writing much.  I just needed time to THINK without processing every little bit through my writing.  I have been going to group still, but I think I am about done with that for now.  I’m not feeling like I am getting much out of it personally.  And it’s expensive, as it’s an out of pocket cost for me every week.  I’ve done well, things are still right on track and I feel that I can drop the group therapy thing with no problem.  I will continue with one-on-one therapy for a bit longer, until I feel that I am solid in my recovery.  Plus, hey personal therapy doesn’t hurt one bit.  It’s actually been good for me, helps me process some of the fucked up shit I have had to deal with lately.  And that is good.

Linda and I are going to take the dogs to the doggie event at the Raitt Farm this weekend.  They are having a big event to promote adoption and support for the local shelters.  Ought to be fun and interesting.  Food, games, dog stuff, dog fun events, etc.  I’m looking forward to Saturday for this reason!

I’ve been working a little more than usual lately.  It’s really gotten wicked busy at my place of employment.  Like today, we sold TONS of water and ice, seemed that everyone who came in was stocking up on hydration and ice.  We have many customers who are local landscapers and construction workers, so they need to stay hydrated as they are working ou in the heat and sun.  I still enjoy the job, enjoy the people and seeing all the locals on a regular basis.  It’s nice when people come in and know my name, greet me with enthusiasm and make small talk about townie stuff.  Yeah, I don’t foresee leaving there anytime soon.  It’s really a perfect little part time job for me.  Keeps me with a weekly schedule, holds me responsible to others and gives me a little sense of purpose and security.  The money isn’t great, but it’s enough to make a difference in my budget…I would not stay if it weren’t.  I also really like the people that I work with, and that always makes a difference to me.

On the political front…I have been keeping up per my usual habits.  I keep a very close eye on the imbicile in the White House, aka the UGLY ASS ORANGE ONE who is our “fake POTUS”.  I have had to temper my reactions a bit.  I was allowing myself to be negatively affected by the news, and that’s not good. It’s important to have good information and a measured response.  I can’t do anything about the situation on my own, thus I cannot let it eat at me like I was previously allowing.  Staying informed, watching and contacting my representatives every chance I get is how I am staying involved.  I think you will soon see another big march on the White House, especially with things getting a super hot as they are there.  Just in the last 10 days alone things have begun to spiral out of control in the White House.  Trump is feeling the pressure and doesn’t like it one bit.  While he likes attention like no one I have ever previously seen, he is not as fond of “negative attention” – even though it still serves it’s purpose in getting him to the front and center of everyone’s minds.  He would rather be adored than abhorred, but he’ll take whatever he can get at this point, I believe.  It’s AMAZING how he can lie daily to us, and yet there is still a loyal following that actually believe what this asshole is dishing out to them.  They are like hogs slathering at the feed though, sucking up his vile words like they are candy.  Yep, he is quite the con artist for sure. I am just really saddened that so many people have been  bamboozled by his insanity and daily lies.

Ah, it’s 4:21 am and the birds are starting to sing outside.  I have all of the windows and doors open, am sitting her in just my boxer briefs enjoying the coolness of the air upon my skin.  Yep, semi-naked blogging, hahahaha.  I love this time of morning, the peace and quiet, save for the sounds of nature waking up to this new day.  I feel like I can think so much more clearly and without noise pollution and obstruction from outside sources at this time of morning.

I am working at 6am, until probably about 1pm today.  Depending on how busy it gets there, I will stay as long as I am needed.  It’s going to be a bit more normal temperature wise, in the high 70’s, today.  Plus it’s air conditioned at work, so it’s not so bad hanging out there and working instead of being at home fighting the heat at high-noon!  Today is Friday, payday and errand day!  Linda and I will get together after we are done with our work/jobs.  We will go to town (Portsmouth) and take care of our weekly Friday errand lists.  Generally that entails a stop at the grocery store, smoke shop, gas station, Walmart and wherever else we need to go.  It’s become a ritual with us on Fridays now.  We team up in one vehicle as to save gas and wear and tear on our trucks.  We alternate vehicles each week, one week using mine and the next using hers.  I gassed up yesterday evening, so today I am sure we’ll use Linda’s truck so we can gas that one up and do our stuff.

I spent last evening cleaning up my house really good, getting organized for the weekend and so I won’t have any of that stuff to do today!  I like this feeling of accomplishment that comes with having a clean, organized and well maintained household.  I’m so excited for a good weekend, which I totally plan on having, that I even got up earlier than usual this morning.  I was up by about 2:45am, and raring to go!  I went to bed pretty early, so I got plenty of sleep I am sure.

Ok, Happy Friday!  I do sincerely hope that each of your days are good ones!  Everyone have a great weekend, and I may even write more tomorrow, depending upon time and how I am feeling.  Thanks for reading!  Thanks for following!  I sincerely appreciate you, my dear readers!    Peace!  ~MB

 

Weekend is Here!

Yay!  It’s Friday!  I have a new fondness for Fridays as it’s the last day of my work week.  The job is going well, I’ve adjusted to the schedule quite easily – so have the dogs. It’s a pretty easy schedule of getting up at 5am and making sure that I go to bed at a reasonable hour at night so I’m not sluggish in the AM.  It’s a no-brainer pretty much.  But it’s quite the change from not having a real schedule to having the days laid out for me.  I’m definitely liking the job and having a place to BE days where I feel useful and am doing something other than being bored.

It’s been interesting being around all the truckers and seeing people that I haven’t seen in years come in there.  It’s a pretty local joint, so everyone stops in for something – generally gas and coffees are big sellers, especially with gas prices being so low right now.

Today we had a customer cause a huge gas spill at the pumps.  This guy driving a cargo van set the pump to fill without him holding it and left the vehicle to come inside the store.  While he was away from it the gas began to overflow until someone came running in to tell us that it was pouring out all over the pump island…Sarah, one of my co-workers who has been there a long time, went racing out and shut it down.  It was quite a large spill, probably about 75 gallons of gasoline.  Get this…the guy comes to the counter for a receipt from me and Sarah comes in and asks what he’s hauling in the van, his reply – Oxyogen…yes this moron – and Sarah called him a fucking moron right there, left a truck full of oxyogen tanks filling with petroleum without being attended to.  He is a fucking moron.  We could have all been killed.  Luckily, no one was injured.

The guy just got his receipt and drove off.  He didn’t say anything, not “I’m sorry” or anything, he just left.  I suppose he FELT like a loser after doing that stupid thing.  He put many people in some serious danger and he had to know that.  It took our crew of 5 people about a hour to get it all cleaned up.  They had to cover it all with absorbent stuff kind of like kitty litter and shovel that all up into a bin to be disposed of.

It caused quite a ruckus at the station for a while.  We had a bunch of people hanging around watching the goings on, laughing and shaking their heads in bewilderment. Especially at the beginning when he was just getting in his truck and leaving without saying a word.  (I still can’t believe he said NOTHING, just acted like it was an every day happening, got his receipt and drove away).  The cops showed up to check the spill and I am sure that our manager had to write a report on it.  I stayed in the store with Tommy  (another co-worker) and I stayed in the store running the registers while everyone else was out in the lot tending to the mess, so luckily I didn’t smell like gasoline but everyone else sure did by the end of it all.  We are just fortunate that no one was seriously injured or killed!

Saturday, Jan. 30, 2016

I overslept this morning…now THAT is a rare thing for me…I never over sleep when I have something scheduled to do.  I had a hair cut scheduled for 10:30…yes, scheduling is how they do it in “salons” which I rarely frequent but had to this time for my month’s hair cut.  Luckily the woman who did my hair cut let me reschedule for this afternoon so I still got it done.

Johnny, the barber that I’ve been going to and raving about for a long time now – didn’t renew his license to cut hair in NH and so he’s not working right now.  Thus, I had to find someone else to cut my hair.  I happened to know someone who I recently met that is a stylist.  So I bucked up and scheduled an appointment with her.  When you go to the barbershop there is no appointment, it’s a walk-in and scribble your name on the board and wait in line kind of deal instead.  Going to a stylist at a salon is a whole different kind of experience; you have to make an appointment and be there at a certain time.  And I haven’t gone to a salon in forever, so it felt very weird to begin with, but I did it, the cut came out good and I survived.

My friend did a very good job of shearing me down to my crew-cut length.  I am pleased with the cut and I would recommend her to friends.  But I still missed my barber and the whole barbershop experience; the bad jokes, loud TV and sound of many pairs of shears all going at once as 2-3 barbers were working on various guys cutting hair or giving them a shave, and the smell of aftershave in the air.  It’s totally different in feeling from that of the salon visit.  The salon, by the way, was very nice.  I didn’t even know it was there, it’s called EClips and is super nice inside.  It’s hidden in the old button factory buildings in Portsmouth, down off of Islington Street. Those old buildings are so cool and now house many smaller businesses.  The people at this salon did a super nice job with the interior of the place; it’s very comfortable and welcoming.

I overslept this morning because last night I stayed up late watching the movie “Straight Outta Compton” on pay per view.  It was pretty good.  You had to pay close attention to follow the story line though.  But overall it was a pretty decently made film.  Those sure were some wild times for rap music and the NWA group.  Intense and scary that it’s all a true story.  I’m not a big movie theater goer, I’d rather rent movies and watch them in the comfort of my own living room instead.  Then you can pause it when you need a break and control how you watch the movie.  Plus movie theaters, no matter what they do to them, are just never comfortable to me.  Only thing lacking at home is the big ole popcorn machine!

Don’t know what I’ll do with the rest of my weekend.  I do need to do some shopping and I need to do a good house cleaning too.  Perhaps tomorrow I will do those things.  For the rest of today I think I am going to do some reading and just relax and chill.

Peace.  ~MB

 

 

 

 

 

Monday Thoughts

The big east coast blizzard missed Maine…amazing and super duper great in my book!  I don’t care for snow…no I HATE snow is more like it.  Once the dastardly shit is on the ground you must move it….THAT is what I hate about it – the shoveling and moving of the masses of snow.  It’s beautiful to look at and makes the landscape extremely pretty, but the fact that it gets in the way of moving about and must be shoveled away from driveways, paths and roads must be plowed just sucks.  The only time I like snow is when I have the opportunity to go snowmobiling – which is fairly rare these days.  My cousins up in the woods of Maine all have snowmobiles – it’s basically standard issue Maine gear to have one, you need them up there.  Occasionally I will make a winter trek up to the Rangely area to visit with family there and to partake in the craziness of snowmobiling. It may be a cold weather sport, but it sure is some fun!

Jpeg
Lulu making a “nasty” face.

I got a great shot of Lulu making her “nasty” face.  She makes this toothy smirk whenever she encounters something she doesn’t like the smell or taste of.  I was luckily in the right spot yesterday with the camera on her when she got a wiff of some smoke that she didn’t care for…thus the “nasty” face ensued.  I think it’s hilarious and just had to share that with you dear readers.

The job is going well. I’m getting used to the schedule of getting up at 5am to spend a couple of hours here preparing for my day, feeding the dogs and making sure they are all set for the morning while I am gone, and drinking my coffee.  I must have coffee in the morning or my day just doesn’t start out right.  And it’s some damned strong coffee to boot!  I usually leave here around a quarter to 7 and am at work in less than 10 minutes.  I like the schedule that I’ve got, working weekdays from 7am to 1pm and having my afternoons and weekends off…couldn’t ask for better hours or days!  I guess I just got lucky with the timing of getting hired for the position.  I enjoy the people, the atmosphere and still have plenty of daylight when I get out to do all of my other business and take care of things around here.  So, it’s going well all in all, and I hope it stays this way.

I’ve been feeling pretty good.  I’ve got a check up with my hiv specialist in February and have to go get blood work done this week in preparation for that appointment.  I have been doing pretty well though, even the depression isn’t as bad as it used to be, I think I have that under control much better lately.  I do think that working is helping that because it gives me a purpose every day and I’m not allowing myself to get bored.  I have gone through some med changes recently and that may play into feeling better too.  Either way, my moods are great lately and I feel pretty strong and healthy.

I cannot believe that the end of January is this weekend.  It seems like this month has flown by!  Pretty soon it will be spring and I’ll be out working in my gardens making the flowers grow once again! Yay!  I really look forward to this Spring in particular because it’ll be the first one here in my new home.  The former owner was a gardener too and she’s got a lot of perennial flowers planted already that will all come back up every year.  I am going to wait and see what comes up before I go digging around and put any new stuff in there.  I’ll be sure to post some pictures of the outside of the place once I have some good ones.  Right now everything is pretty dreary, snow on the ground and no color.

Time for bed.  I find that I need to make myself go to bed at a reasonable hour now that I am working.  No time for those late nights of staying up on the computer working on writing or whatever now.  I need that 8 hours of sleep.  Hope you all are doing well.

Do you like winter?  Snow?  What do you do to keep busy in the slower months of winter?

Peace!  ~MB

 

Great week…

I’ve made it through my first full week of being back in the working world, and I am no worse for the wear.  I actually had a really great week.  I got up 2 hours early every day to spend some time with the pups before I left…trying to get them used to the new arrangement of me not being here mornings anymore.  They seem to have adapted quite easily and are waiting anxiously when I come through the door after my shift.  You’d think that I had been gone a week the way Lulu tries to turn herself inside out with glee at seeing me again!

Work has gender neutral restrooms thank goodness.  So no cringing as I usually do when frequenting public restrooms.  Makes for a much more relaxed piss.  Ha.  At least I don’t have to worry about getting yelled at for going into the wrong restroom!

I’ve been “sirred” a few times mostly by the truckers, who I don’t know if they are being sarcastic or are just genuinely seeing me as male.  I don’t really care, it doesn’t bother me.  I can tell that it does bother some of the people that I work with though, and one spoke up to me the other day saying that even with her huge chest that she gets it too.  I think that sometimes some of the truckers are just rude.  It’s all that alone time spent in those huge loud trucks!

Today I had a recovery day, I think that I expended a lot of mental as well as physical energy working all week.  It’s not something I was used to, so I was pretty tired come today.  I slept most of the day, did some grocery shopping and just spent time relaxing around home.  I like being at home alot, it’s just a place where I am most comfortable and feel I can be myself thoroughly.

Spent some time talking to a new friend on the phone tonight.  It’s nice to connect with new people, learn about them and to laugh.  I am so shy sometimes, I must force myself to break out of that shell at times.

Ok, I am off to do my nightly reading and petting of the pups!  Take care!  Peace!  ~MB

 

MainelyButch Goes to Work…

So I have rejoined the workforce of America.  Yeah, I got a fucking job.  It’s about time huh?  I know I’ve been not working for too long when I am even bored with being bored!   Anyway, started working, got through the training and started on the front end counter today.  It’s nice to be around so many people; to see people I know from around town who come in and to meet so many new people as well.  And the crew that I am working with seems to be a pretty good bunch too.  I know most of them a little bit from my own frequenting of the store prior to getting a job there.  That’s basically how I got the job, I would go in there at lest once every day or two for something and I kept seeing the “help wanted” sign so finally I asked one of the guys I knew who already worked there and he took me and introduced me to the manager, who granted me an interview and offered me a job.  I love how connections and networking can lead from one thing to another, and you never really know where you’ll end up sometimes.

So, I like the job, it’s actually quite entertaining in some aspects.  I love interacting with people and believe me at a large convenience store/truck stop you find all different kinds of people frequent it.  I love to people watch (thumbs up to my Vancouver friend who also loves to people watch, it makes me think of you!) and there’s plenty of it to do at this place.

Today after work I stopped at Old Navy and bought a new pair of pants – pants now, not jeans – for work. I had to get some tan khaki pants.  The uniform at my new job is the company’s signature red polo shirt with the company logo on it and issued to you when you are hired, and either black or tan pants/jeans.  If they are jeans they have to be pitch black and not faded or ripped up.  I happened to own a nice pair or black Levi’s already which I have been wearing and washing every night to wear again the next day.  Now that I have another pair I can alternate and get away with doing laundry every couple of days.  They gave me 3 polo shirts, so once I pick up another pair of pants next pay day I can stretch the laundry out to twice a week.  Logical thinking huh?  *smirk*   Anyhooo…the pants are quite comfortable as I got the Broken-in Straights type so they’re not all stiff and stupid looking.  I’m so used to wearing blue jeans that this is all quite a change for me.

Nola and Lulu have settled in pretty much already to me being gone all morning.  I’m working the 7am to 1pm shift, only 6 hours a day, Monday through Fridays.  It’s a great shift, busy enough to keep me happy and the perfect hours for me to have the rest of each day to do other stuff, make appointments as needed and take care of other business.  Plus I have the weekends off – which is always a bonus!   I suspect that the dogs just sleep all morning but I leave the TV on for them just in-case they want to watch GMA (Good Morning America) hahaha.  I do miss that morning show, but I been getting up at 5am to catch the morning news and have a couple of cups of good coffee before I shower and head out the door for my shift.  When I get home they come bounding off of the couch to greet me at the door, all wiggly-giggly at my feet.  They are definitely happy to see me.

So that’s been my last few days, just getting used to this new endeavor of working once again; settling into a new schedule and enjoying it.

It’s been some fucking cold – and I mean it, FUCKING COLD – here in the Northeast lately.  Today the wind howled like holy hell, whipping the snow into a frenzy of dust storm proportion. It’s drifted the snow everywhere, especially into my previously shoveled driveway and walking path to the house.  I am hoping that the wind and temperatures will be better in the next 2 days so I can get it cleaned up once again before the storm rolls in this weekend…yes, we are predicted for a good sized storm this coming weekend.  I suppose that it was bound to happen, winter was bound to catch up to us. We’ve been extremely fortunate up til now with not much snow and actually very mild temps.  It  was just a matter of time before the real winter weather kicked in.  I am figuring that we’ll probably get beat on from here on out til late April…unless we get some kind of lucky!

I’m off to catch up on some reading here on WordPress, I see some of you have posted since I was last able to sit down and really do some good reading and I want to try to catch up tonight.  I hate falling behind on my blog reading and my news reading.  I always enjoy reading all of your blogs and am trying to keep myself up with comments and responses like I said that I would.

Peace!

~MB

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Slow starts…

Talk about a really slow start to a month, let alone a whole new year, I find myself damned near moving backwards.  I have not enthusiasm for this year at all.  My fear is that it will turn out to be just like 2015…a year in which I endured a lot of ups and downs and spent more time questioning my own choices and hurting from them than anything else.

I have a really critical visit with my doctor tomorrow.  I’m frightened about it to put it mildly.  I have to talk to her about some really difficult things that are going on and affecting my health in negative ways. I’ve been avoiding the doctors and cancelling appointments for the last couple of months, just not wishing to have to deal with any of this.  We are going to talk about addictions and medical maintenance of such.  Something I am not thrilled about at all; and something I am pretty ashamed of as well.  My case worker from the Frannie Peabody Center up in Portland is coming down to go with me on the appointment.  A very good friend of mine suggested I take someone with me for moral support, and then the case worker called and volunteered to accompany me which was very sweet of her and spot on time.

I also have a job interview tomorrow afternoon.  It’s for a job at a truck stop working in the store.  Just a little part time position waiting on customers, stocking shelves and doing whatever needs doing around the place.  I don’t see any problem in getting hired.  And I can really use the job and the extra income right now badly.  Convenience store work isn’t really appealing to me, but I need something right now and this is what is readily available.

It’s been bone-biting cold here the last 2 days. I’ve only gone out to do errands when I have had to!  Like to the drug store and for dog food.

I wish I could rewind 2015 and do it all over again.  There are so many things I would have done differently; so many things I would not have done at all.  it was a very heart breaking year for me, and I still miss her so damned much.  Yes, this still bothers me, I know one cannot “rewind and go back in time” but people can start over from here and move on forward…if they want to do so.  I only wish there were some way to convince her to start over again with me.  Thoughts of her are constantly in the back of my mind, I am always wondering how she is, and if she ever thinks of me anymore.  When she has texted me is sort of in this passive aggressive sort of way, and that just frustrates me.  Those are not the words I need and want to hear.  I hope one day I will get by this.  Or she will want to try to work it out a different way.

I’m off to do some reading. Bloggers have been active lately, and I am enjoying the reading.

Have a great evening!  ~Peace.  ~MB

 

Just a Ramble…

It’s hump day!  Wednesday!  And I am off from work until Friday evening, when I work a short 4 hour shift – which will be a piece of cake on my feet after these three long ass days I just put in pounding that concrete jungle floor where I work.  I used to have so much more enthusiasm for working, and I was reminded of it today seeing the energy of someone who is excited about her work…it reminded me of the days when I was eye-ball deep in the swimming pool construction and service industry and loved my job so much I would put in 12-14 hour days no problem ~ because I loved it.  Of course I was in my 30’s and gung ho about making a killing in cash.  I lost that enthusiasm for the most part when I left that industry and the corporate environment.  Now the only time I get excited about any kind of work is when I am working for myself.  Then it doesn’t even matter what I do, as long as I am my own boss and set my own hours I am a happy worker.  This working for the corporate world is necessary right now, but I must say it sucks in so many ways.

Currently, I work in a retail home improvement / general contracting environment so I am working with the public all the time, which I don’t mind at all, I actually enjoy people immensely.  The department manager – I work in the tool sales and hardware department – seems really grouchy all the time and it comes off to the customers too…I’m struggling with how to deal with that issue because it will drive me insane to have this guy continually being negative and blowing sales.  I can’t stand to see an unhappy customer walk away when I know I could have helped them myself.

Nola is adjusting to me going to work.  She’s a funny, and smart little dog.  I tell her I am going to work, she watches me lace up my boots to go, and then she will give me snuggles for a minute and head in to my bedroom or onto the back of the couch where she’ll settle in for the day.  When I get home she’s is all super wiggly and giggly, making tons of puppy noises and little yips of excitement as she basically about turns herself inside out with glee at seeing me come in the door…it’s a really nice little greeting when you come home to an empty house…makes it not so empty.

I’ve had a hard week.  I know part of it is adjusting to the work schedule, and the loss of my free time…I know I’m spoiled by having the ability to make it without working full time…I shouldn’t complain a bit, but it’s that loss of my freedom to move about as I please that gets me the most.

My reading and writing time has been severely compromised as well.  Plus I want to be talking to Mushy when I can and the time difference of 6 hours makes it so I am working now during our opportune talking time.  This pisses me off, and I know it irritates her a bit too.  She thinks I am being short, but I often have to go because I am on a limited time frame…something we didn’t have to cope with in the beginning of our conversations. But I do enjoy those conversations and her company via texts and tonight Skype!  So we’ll just continue to work around the job hours.  She’s lucky to be the boss at her job, so she’s kind of got free rein on her own time and can be talking to me whenever she pleases provided she’s not in a meeting or with clients.  Lucky duck.

So I did post a private blog about the ending of seeing “DG” as I used to call the woman I was interested in who lives nearby me.  I wrote the blog as sort of a putting down, for myself, in words what happened and why I think it happened and some of what I learned from the experience.  I am still a little sad that it had to end that way, but I didn’t know what else to do, she wasn’t responding to me and I saw no other choice than to just end things and let her get on with whatever it is that she’s involved in, and let me get on with my life and not be feeling like I was waiting in the wings for her attention. I was very into her and didn’t want to hurt her either.  But I was hurting from the confusion myself, so I had to do it.   It’s a password protected blog, so the details are pretty much private to me and a VERY select few who have the password.  I didn’t feel it was a blog that necessarily needed to be public, for myself and out of respect for her.  Although I have always protected her identity anyway, and would never compromise that out of respect.  I do wish her well, and wish that maybe things could have been different had we had more time, and I worry about her as she suffers with a lot of stress.

Dating is kind of on my mind but not lately.  I’m not really sure what I think about it to tell the truth.  I’d love to have someone that I could wrap my arms around and not only make them feel safe and loved, but feel that way myself too.  But I’m really skeptical these days.  I’m not sure that there IS really someone that I can connect with on that level again within my striking distance rule.  Mushy and I talk, and while I do have a little crush on her, I know that she’s right when she tells me that she’s too young, and too far away right now for me to be thinking about her that way. I always go for those younger women, and for those unattainable womena….it’s an addiction I think sometimes, although she is over my 30 yr old mark..but she’s definitely in the unattainable bracket, and I am aware of that more now.

If only I were 10 years younger, haha…but it’s okay, we are great friends and that’s what counts the most.  She keeps me from being too lonely, keeps me engaged in great conversations, makes me think and seems to genuinely care for me…I’m a lucky damned Butch.  I meet some of the most awesome people in this world, and connect occasionally with a great one like her.  Yeah, 10 years younger and a bit more mobile and I’d be all set.  But I am 52, settled down and kind of want someone who wants to live a quiet life, snuggling by the bonfire on a Saturday night, or watching movies on the couch. The extent of my excitement would be camping and kayaking down the Saco, or a long drive through the mountains on a Saturday afternoon, stopping maybe at a motel for an intimate night of fun.   Maybe I’m just boring, but hey I’m happy and a lot less stressed than most with things just the way they are for me.

So I guess it’s definitely the single Butch life once again for me.  I’m cool with that.  Someday that woman of my dreams will show up and want to stay…maybe.  I wonder sometimes if I am too demanding, is it wrong to want some kind of emotional connection as well as a sexual / physical one? (Not that I am not into great sex!)  I think as I have gotten older I put a lot more emphasis on that personal emotional connection.  I’m very independent, so I don’t require much, but I do require some definite things, like lots of communication and some positive attention.  I give as well as I get in this area too.

Dating is just so fucking complicated these days.  You have to meet someone…generally via online process…and then get to know them and if they live like a bazillion miles away it just sucks.  I wish there were more of an out community here in the area where I live.  I do see a lot of LGBT people at work, a couple that work in the building and a few customers that have made the all knowing eye contact thing.  But more or less I get mistaken for a guy at work anyways, so it’s fucking fruitless right now for me.  Any woman that I date would have to be strong willed, strong minded and smart, and not be bothered by what other people think of us.  Plus she would have to be willing to commit to us getting to know each other pretty good before I am taking it any further again.  I’ve made some minor mistakes in the past in moving too fast…I think I need to slow it down, but when I get that feeling like I did with DG that I was so sure of I let my caution go to the wind.  It’s just a bitch to meet someone that you are really into like that and then to have it not go the way you want it to go.  Just a bitch.

Ok, I need to find a way to sleep and get my mind clear.  I’m starting to get that overwhelmed feeling, anxiety and feeling like I am coming undone.  It’s too much stuff on my mind, too many little things that just pile up into a big mess.  Work has me also stressed out about keeping up with the house and it’s needs.  I need to get to the yard and doing the outside winter preparation stuff tomorrow…except it’s started to rain tonight, ugh.  I can still get everything put away and stored for the winter, get the storm windows down and make sure I have dry wood for some winter bonfires.  yeah…winter night bonfires…so nice on a warmer night when the stars are bright in the sky above…looking forward to that for sure.

Peace~    MB