Post 7: Four Turn Offs

Depending on what we are talking about I have various turn offs, some concerning just people in general and some more personal. For this post I will just stick with my general annoyances.  

One of my biggest turn offs is ignorance.  I’m talking ignorance like Westboro Baptist Church style, there’s no sense in that and there’s not any honor there to be had.  WBC, the KKK and other hate groups really turn my stomach with their ignorant and biased preaching and leanings. I find it to just be pure ignorance.

Another thing that turns me off is overt arrogance.  People who believe they are somehow better than others.  No one is above anything, believe me.  Just because we have different styles, upbringings, social circles or whatever doesn’t mean that anyone is better or mightier than another at all.  We are all equally walking our own paths in the journey of life.

Religious zealots.  I’m all good with everyone having their own beliefs, and I have my own.  Yes, I believe in God.  But I don’t wish to discuss details of what God might think about my gender identity, sexuality or lifestyle in the least.  Him and I got a great relationship, and his universal hand guides my life daily.  I have no reason to believe religious nay-sayers who tell me that I am going to hell over words that were actually written by man in a book.

Negativity really turns me off.  All situations have challenges, but there’s not ever any good that comes out of pointing out all the negative things in life.  I have a couple of people in my life who do this, who live in this pessimistic world that drives me nuts.   If one can’t see the good through the difficult or bad, if you can’t say a good thing then just stay quiet and mull in your own dismal self.  I don’t want to hear it, unless you are asking for my help to get over it or by it somehow.  

 

 There is probably a whole list of little turns offs such as poor self-care in people, false teeth, bad shoes, mismatched boots to belts (that one kills me) and misuse of the English language.  Those are all pretty superficial though, the bigger turn offs are those things that really count to me.  

 

Post 5: Six Things I Wish I Had Never Done

rTo continue the 10 day post challenge that I was given…

Six things I wish I had never done.

1.  I wish I had stayed IN the Army for the full 25 years and not just done my 6 and gotten out.  The Army instilled much of my character and taught me much self confidence, self reliance and self control.  I was young and stupid to finish my committed time and returned to civilian life…I was much better as a soldier.

2.  I wish I had never started smoking cigarettes.  It’s the worst damned habit and a bitch to quit.  I struggle with quitting constantly, and eventually I’ll get it…eventually.  

3.  I wish I hadn’t ever meddled in hard drugs.  This one is sort of self explanatory…no hard drug use…no hiv now…plus none of the stupid and harsh things I saw, did and experienced in that world would be stuck in my mind today.  

4.  I wish I had been an easier kid for my parents.  In hind-sight I can see that I have always been kind of a handful and managed to make trouble on quite a few occasions for them.  All I can do now is be the best person I can be with them and the world and hope that I make up for some of the difficulties I brought on.

5.  I wish I had not had my mid-life crisis at 46 and gone buck wild like I did.  I kinda left a good amount of destruction in my wake, and that I am sorry for.  I should have stayed right here in Maine and not traversed the country, not broken a heart or gone where I went.  I did have some good times, but it wasn’t the smartest of choices that I could have made during that time.

6.  I wish I had thought harder about some of my tattoos….duh

This is hard…I haven’t got a full list of things I wish I had never done.  I usually do what I want to do in life, and I don’t regret even the not so good things, because they are all part of the foundation of experience on which my character and life are built. Sure, I like everyone wish that sometimes I had taken a different action in a situation or made a different decision over some issues, but for the most part I am fairly guilt free and not heavily burdened by anything that I did in my past that I wish I hadn’t done.  At the moment we make decisions they seem to be the right ones, and if you stick to them then they definitely ARE the right decisions.  

 

4: Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot

Things that cross my mind alot…now there’s a general question!  My mind is overly active, I’m constantly thinking about different things or I may get focused on one thing and ponder the hell out of it until I figure out how to file it off into the back of my brain storage.  

1.  Sex. I believe this is self-explanatory.  Particularly lately.  

2.  World events.  It worries me that there is so much war and religious strife in the world today.  It seems that it’s a problem with very few solutions that satisfy the general census.  Intricate religious wars have been waged relentlessly for thousands of years, and it’s become so common place that people don’t even seem to care anymore.  Personally I find it incredibly alarming

3.  Responsibilities.  alas, we all have them.  Daily grind, chores, things that need to be done, people that need to be seen, places that need to be visited.  I take my daily responsibilities pretty seriously, because there’s got to be organization in  my life.  Without the lists that govern my movements I am frozen.  I have lists of lists…and they seem to shrink and grow according to my energy level – which 

4.  Entrepreneurial undertakings.  I have a very business oriented mind. I’m always thinking of ways to make money to pay the bills and keep on top of things. 

5.  Lately, going back to work has been near the top of my mind.

6.  My family and all the September birthdays coming up!  September is a rather nice month family wise, we have a bunch of birthdays to celebrate, fairs to attend and fall weather to enjoy together.  

7.   Someone very special to my heart.  ❤  She’s always on my mind.  

10 Days of Writing Prompts

Day One: Ten things you want to say to different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about myself.
Day Three: Eight things you can do to win my heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you had never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

Things I’ve learned, or been reminded of, this summer!`

I’ve learned that when I am physically and mentally more healthy that my life goes much more smoothly.

I’ve been reminded that I can make anything happen or work if I truly want it to; nothing comes without the desire and commitment to doing the work required.

I’ve learned that putting my best foot forward will open many more doors for me to walk through.

I’ve been reminded that I first have to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy.

I’ve learned that only I can determine the path that my journey takes.  The universe may guide me, but it’s my choices that determine the outcome.

I’ve been reminded that I alone determine what is right for me personally, and what is not.

I’ve learned that when I understand what is right for me, and when I accept my responsibility for my own happiness, that I can be one extremely happy Butch!

I’ve been reminded that not all femmes are alike.  Some are more needy, controlling and manipulative – those are who I now choose not to get involved with in any way.

I’ve learned that my pain levels, and my general physical and mental health can be directly related to a good diet and staying active.

I’ve been reminded that people can be strange, irrational and mean -and just plain stupid.

I’ve learned that I alone can easily choose to eliminate those people from my daily life.

I’ve been reminded that there are good, caring and intelligent people coming into my life all the time

and I’ve learned how to invite them in and to be a good friend, a great neighbor and a superior lover.

I’ve been reminded that my family is one of the very best at being dysfunctional, but I love them all so very much and would have them no other way.

I’ve learned that my place in said family is rock solid.  They love me, look to me and support me in so many ways.  I will always strive to be my best for them.

I’ve been reminded that the sea is full of fish…I discovered this on a recent deep sea fishing expedition…but also that the “proverbial” sea of life is also full of many fish…just that most are the kinds that you should immediately throw back and usually you only get 1 or 2 real keepers in the mix.  Be selective.

I’ve learned that pain is necessary.  I have some very twisted ideas of pain, one is that it’s necessary in everything, and second is that it can be quite pleasurable in actuality.

I’ve been reminded that beauty can often just appear out of nowhere.  And when it does you best have your eyes open wide.  And with life on the other side of 50 you also begin to see beauty in places that you never looked before.  Open your eyes.

I’ve learned that I can do about anything I set my mind to, and do it damned good.

I’ve been reminded not to just consider the packaging, it’s the contents that really count.  Anything can look good, but does it do the trick? Does it satisfy the need and meet the grade?

I’ve learned that Expressing ourselves honestly in any relationship is essential to our well-being.

I’ve learned about stopping often to consider what it is that I have learned and been reminded of more often now…it’s a good way to stay on top of things…so you may be hearing more of this from me in the future.  Peace.  ~MB

 

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Asking…

By stepping out of our comfort zones and asking for what we want, we invite the universe to open lucrative opportunities for growth and advancement. Many of us hesitate to ask for what we want because we fear hearing the word no. If we pause to consider that our every action sends a clear message to the universe about what we expect, however, we will see the wisdom of being bolder in our actions rather than holding back in hesitation.

 

No one wants to hear the word No. But, unless you ASK you will never know.  I asked the universe to bring me better choices, and it has done that.  I’m truly amazed…and quite pleased I must say.

 

Just a Life Update….

I was talking to my Mom yesterday, and I was telling her that I haven’t felt this good in years.  Physically, emotionally, mentally I am in the best place I have been literally in years.  Several months ago something in me sort of snapped, and I decided I wanted to wake the fuck up and live life again.  Of course that spurred several changes, so not so pleasant, in the beginning.  I had been working up to this major shift for quite some time, slowly at first then I started to gain speed.  Plus I believe that my depression is now completely under control, as I haven’t had a depressed episode in months now.  

I figured out that living alone again was going to be the only way that I could get back to being me, so I ended a short re-try at a relationship, and reclaimed my space in the world once again.  That single thing was a real catalyst in my change.  I love being alone a lot, it just frees me to just be me and gives me the freedom to do as I please without having to worry about anyone else’s happiness or concerns. It also made me realize how I didn’t want to live every day. And it made me understand more that I have not got very good tolerance for drama, mine, yours or that of other people, in my life.  It annoys the hell out of me, and just brings me down whenever it’s even hinted to be present.  I hate it, and I love those that know how to handle their drama in a very drama-free kind of way. 

I get up every morning really early now, by 5am at the latest.  My day starts right off with a good strong cup of coffee.  I feed the dog and begin my day.  I’ve learned that this makes me feel SO much better both physically and mentally.  Starting your day off by getting right up and moving, working out any stiffness and soreness, and then mentally blocking any residual pain from stopping me from doing anything that I choose to do is the best thing I do for myself every morning.  I am almost completely off of my medications for pain, and I don’t even take ibuprophen anymore!  The less in my system, the better I feel.  So other than my maintenance hiv drugs I am not in need of additional stuff.  I think that sometimes we let our pain levels dictate our lives on a daily basis, I know I did previously, but when we do this we lose out on so much of our days.  My routine has really improved on this, and I can say I am virtually pain free most of the time now.  I also learned that pain medications themselves will cause you to feel MORE pain if taken for long periods of time, and thus since I have stopped the pain has subsided quite a bit.  The only time my back bothers me now is when I over work it or have a long day on my feet. Those are the times that I have learned to just push through and not think about it at all, which helps me tolerate it quite well.  

So life is moving on, and at a pretty good clip!  I have my up-coming chest surgery date on August 18th, which is really coming up very fast now!  Less than 2 weeks away!  I am really excited about it; just the prospect of not having a chest that doesn’t match my identity and being free of it bothering me will be such a great relief.  A friend has brought up several questions on this to my attention.  I have some after-care support; someone who has gone through a similar (but more drastic due to breast cancer) procedure is coming to stay with me to help me through the first few days of navigating the bandages and inability to do very much.  She will be a great help I am sure.  Then there is my family, who I know will help as needed.  

My friend asked if I had anyone who would understand the value that I see in having the surgery from a Butch/Genderqueer angle.  And that is something that I didn’t think of much.  I guess I am just so glad that I am getting this done that I am quite comfortable with it to begin with.  I don’t see it as a loss to my body in anyway, but as a giant step forward. I’ve never felt comfortable with my well endowed female chest ever. So having this surgery to correct things so that my chest is more in line with my identity and personality is just going to be a huge relief to me.  I don’t feel a lot of strong emotions about modifying my body; nor do I think it’s drastic, a word that has been mentioned.  I think it is necessary, and awesome that I am able to have this done for myself.  I cannot wait until August 19th when my body is more inline with my mental image of how I prefer to look – flatter chested!  

My summer has been a full one. A super active year for me, for a change!  Last summer I don’t remember leaving my house very much, I was depressed and stayed home hiding most of the time.  This summer I am out and about daily; racking the miles up on my truck and getting things accomplished.  I have a booth at a local antique shop now, and that requires my attention a few times a week to keep it clean, organized and to keep things selling.  I have a new puppy coming in mid-September, so I am preparing for that as well.  She’s 4 weeks old now, and will be weaned and here at between 8 and 10 weeks of age.  There have been outings, cook outs, pool time and cruises to the beaches…yes, I have managed to stay pretty busy!  And I love it!  

I have plans to go back to work as soon as I am done healing from my surgery.  I checked in with Home Depot last week and will hopefully go back there when I am ready.  I miss that daily interaction with other construction minded folks.  They’re just a breed of their own, and I really enjoy being around them, talking shop and helping folks figure out how to fix or install things.  I liked Home Depots atmosphere, maybe not some of the people, but the place in general is a great place to work.  Working also keeps me physically in better shape, especially the walking of like 10 miles a day inside the store.  Maybe I’ll pick up a pedometer this time and really check and see what I do walk everyday in there.  

So, that’s kind of a life update for me.  Yeah, I feel great, things are going MUCH better and I have a lot to look forward to as the end of summer glides in and we enter the Fall months.  I really enjoy Fall a lot; the leaves turning, wearing warmer clothes, not being too hot all the time and that smell of crispness in the morning air on an early October morning.  I think this Fall will be a really sweet time for me…as I move into a new place in my life, with this improved attitude.  

Only thing that could make this better would be a new girlfriend and a new truck….and I am working diligently on BOTH.   🙂    Rock on world, Rock on. 

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This is Nola enjoying her new “Big Joe” chair.

Party, Pig Roast and Spring Cleaning

I attended my youngest brother’s 40th surprise birthday party yesterday, and it was a traditional Maine pig roast – not the most appealing way to view your food, but interesting and gross enough so that I stuck to the sweedish meatballs that did not resemble in any way the animal from which they came.  I just don’t like seeing the food in it’s “raw” form.  And the children loved seeing the roasting pig, but when it came time to eat this delicacy, they wanted no part what-so-ever.  Hot dogs were the children’s main course.  

It was a great gathering of my core family, which is always nice.  And my brother seemed to enjoy that we had gone to the trouble of trying to make his day the best it could be. The celebration of his turning 40 means that we (all the siblings) are not kids anymore, we’ve moved into that chapter of life that looks forward to the futures of our prodigy; the kids and their kids.  Funny how that works, you think life is all about “you” and what you’ll do in the world, how great your life will be, then you move past fantasy, thru those middle years and it becomes about the kids, what they will do and who they will become.  

I spent the day doing that deep Spring cleaning on my home.  Cleaning out closets and those spaces that gather the junk all winter, in dark silence, until Spring comes and we decide to rid ourselves of the clutter and re-organize the spaces to receive more things later on.  It was a great time of discovery, finding things I had put “away” months ago for this reason or that, and finding new places for them in the house.  Decorations got put up, things got thrown into the “yard sale” pile, and junk was thrown away.  It felt freeing and good to lighten up the load and see the more organized, pretty end product of a nice clean and well put together household.  I am going to work on the outdoor area more today, and what a beautiful day of weather I have to work with!  

Returning to Work

I am going to try to go back to work.  It’s been several years that I’ve been out of work, I took early retirement due to my declining health, and now I feel that I NEED to work to feel more viable and to give myself time to interact with the world.  Plus, financially it will seriously benefit me to even work just part time, as I have planned.  

I spend over 20 years in the swimming pool industry.  And I shall be returning to my old company to work part-time in one of their retail stores on the sales floor.  I always enjoyed the business in general, and I am sure I’ll have to get caught up on the new industry trends, but overall I have mad skills to offer them having so much prior experience under my belt.  The pool business is one where skilled workers are hard to come by.  It requires a mechanical mind, a basic understanding of chemistry and geometry, along with the ability to explain complicated processes in words that the every day Joe/Jane can comprehend and apply to their situation.  

So I am excited for all that returning to work will bring to me.  I’m looking forward to being around more people, to the extra money and the things that will help me do, and to just getting out of the house with a purpose!  I pray that my health will allow me to meet my obligations, and I am going to try my hardest to not let it interfere with the 4 hours a day I will be devoting to the company.  I’m confident that I can do it!