I was talking to my Mom yesterday, and I was telling her that I haven’t felt this good in years. Physically, emotionally, mentally I am in the best place I have been literally in years. Several months ago something in me sort of snapped, and I decided I wanted to wake the fuck up and live life again. Of course that spurred several changes, so not so pleasant, in the beginning. I had been working up to this major shift for quite some time, slowly at first then I started to gain speed. Plus I believe that my depression is now completely under control, as I haven’t had a depressed episode in months now.
I figured out that living alone again was going to be the only way that I could get back to being me, so I ended a short re-try at a relationship, and reclaimed my space in the world once again. That single thing was a real catalyst in my change. I love being alone a lot, it just frees me to just be me and gives me the freedom to do as I please without having to worry about anyone else’s happiness or concerns. It also made me realize how I didn’t want to live every day. And it made me understand more that I have not got very good tolerance for drama, mine, yours or that of other people, in my life. It annoys the hell out of me, and just brings me down whenever it’s even hinted to be present. I hate it, and I love those that know how to handle their drama in a very drama-free kind of way.
I get up every morning really early now, by 5am at the latest. My day starts right off with a good strong cup of coffee. I feed the dog and begin my day. I’ve learned that this makes me feel SO much better both physically and mentally. Starting your day off by getting right up and moving, working out any stiffness and soreness, and then mentally blocking any residual pain from stopping me from doing anything that I choose to do is the best thing I do for myself every morning. I am almost completely off of my medications for pain, and I don’t even take ibuprophen anymore! The less in my system, the better I feel. So other than my maintenance hiv drugs I am not in need of additional stuff. I think that sometimes we let our pain levels dictate our lives on a daily basis, I know I did previously, but when we do this we lose out on so much of our days. My routine has really improved on this, and I can say I am virtually pain free most of the time now. I also learned that pain medications themselves will cause you to feel MORE pain if taken for long periods of time, and thus since I have stopped the pain has subsided quite a bit. The only time my back bothers me now is when I over work it or have a long day on my feet. Those are the times that I have learned to just push through and not think about it at all, which helps me tolerate it quite well.
So life is moving on, and at a pretty good clip! I have my up-coming chest surgery date on August 18th, which is really coming up very fast now! Less than 2 weeks away! I am really excited about it; just the prospect of not having a chest that doesn’t match my identity and being free of it bothering me will be such a great relief. A friend has brought up several questions on this to my attention. I have some after-care support; someone who has gone through a similar (but more drastic due to breast cancer) procedure is coming to stay with me to help me through the first few days of navigating the bandages and inability to do very much. She will be a great help I am sure. Then there is my family, who I know will help as needed.
My friend asked if I had anyone who would understand the value that I see in having the surgery from a Butch/Genderqueer angle. And that is something that I didn’t think of much. I guess I am just so glad that I am getting this done that I am quite comfortable with it to begin with. I don’t see it as a loss to my body in anyway, but as a giant step forward. I’ve never felt comfortable with my well endowed female chest ever. So having this surgery to correct things so that my chest is more in line with my identity and personality is just going to be a huge relief to me. I don’t feel a lot of strong emotions about modifying my body; nor do I think it’s drastic, a word that has been mentioned. I think it is necessary, and awesome that I am able to have this done for myself. I cannot wait until August 19th when my body is more inline with my mental image of how I prefer to look – flatter chested!
My summer has been a full one. A super active year for me, for a change! Last summer I don’t remember leaving my house very much, I was depressed and stayed home hiding most of the time. This summer I am out and about daily; racking the miles up on my truck and getting things accomplished. I have a booth at a local antique shop now, and that requires my attention a few times a week to keep it clean, organized and to keep things selling. I have a new puppy coming in mid-September, so I am preparing for that as well. She’s 4 weeks old now, and will be weaned and here at between 8 and 10 weeks of age. There have been outings, cook outs, pool time and cruises to the beaches…yes, I have managed to stay pretty busy! And I love it!
I have plans to go back to work as soon as I am done healing from my surgery. I checked in with Home Depot last week and will hopefully go back there when I am ready. I miss that daily interaction with other construction minded folks. They’re just a breed of their own, and I really enjoy being around them, talking shop and helping folks figure out how to fix or install things. I liked Home Depots atmosphere, maybe not some of the people, but the place in general is a great place to work. Working also keeps me physically in better shape, especially the walking of like 10 miles a day inside the store. Maybe I’ll pick up a pedometer this time and really check and see what I do walk everyday in there.
So, that’s kind of a life update for me. Yeah, I feel great, things are going MUCH better and I have a lot to look forward to as the end of summer glides in and we enter the Fall months. I really enjoy Fall a lot; the leaves turning, wearing warmer clothes, not being too hot all the time and that smell of crispness in the morning air on an early October morning. I think this Fall will be a really sweet time for me…as I move into a new place in my life, with this improved attitude.
Only thing that could make this better would be a new girlfriend and a new truck….and I am working diligently on BOTH. 🙂 Rock on world, Rock on.