Because of the last blog I wrote, I wanted to clarify some things. You see, Love is a really complex thing sometimes. Sometimes it’s simple, which is how I prefer it, but sometimes it just gets complicated. When I love I love hard, and I am very dedicated to trying to do things right for both parties involved. Sometimes this is impossible, depending upon the situation. I’ve been involved with someone that I have fallen pretty damned hard for, and it hasn’t been an easy go of it. But I chose to get involved, and I don’t regret it one bit. She’s a pretty awesome woman, and I have deep love and respect for her. She’s a super good person, with a big heart and a great sense of humor. We just have some differences in opinion about ways to deal with things which have made it very difficult on both of us. And me being as emotionally stupid as I can be sometimes doesn’t help matters much. I try to protect her by not talking too much about us in my blog…but that’s difficult sometimes, People want to know what is driving me batty, and what’s affecting my moods….and this is definitely part of it. I am usually in a great mood when things are going well with us. I enjoy our conversations, laughter and talking to her every day. She has become a very important part of my daily life, and as hard as long distance is, I am willing to keep working at it. I don’t see it as a lost cause, although I know I’ve sounded a little like that in previous blogs…but I’m also not sure what will happen with this situation. Much of that is up to her and what she wants with me.
Different people have different requirements or needs, and I just suck at recognizing this sometimes, I figure if I am doing okay with things that everything must just be okay for everybody, which is just not always the case as I have discovered. I can be really impervious to things sometimes; I just don’t always think clearly or realized what’s happening right in front of my face until it’s too late to take action to correct things. It’s something I really need to work on with myself. Then I tend to get aggravated with myself and my temper shows. Sometimes I wonder if the testosterone has a bit to do with my temper and inability to properly or adequately verbalize my feelings in those moments of irritation. Someone else was writing in another blog about their temper being more volitile since they started the testosterone, even though I am on a low dose I do suppose it could be having some effect. I’ve noticed that I have less emotional response; that I don’t always process feelings the same way that I once did and that I can be more detached sometimes. I’m not sure that this is a good thing at all. I don’t want to become emotionally stoic.
I don’t really want to start dating or seeing any other women. I really have no interest in anyone else. I am still far too into this woman I was seeing, and I just don’t care to get involved with anyone else. I need some time to figure out what I am doing and put a new plan into action for myself. If I can’t have the woman I want in my life right now then I will just play happily alone. It’s not a big deal for me, I like being alone for the most part. Sure it does get lonely, but I can handle it. And I do have friends that I talk to and who help me see things from better perspectives sometimes.
I spent the morning working on a swimming pool in Durham, NH and it was fun and relaxing to be out in the sunshine all morning working steadily. I was in the pool industry for 22 years, so it’s like second nature to me to just pick up and start cleaning or servicing a pool. I haven’t done much of it the last few years, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to pick up a couple of clients to provide cleaning services to weekly…and the cash would be beneficial too. The guy I worked for today is an old friend of mine, and it was good to see him. And the job was pretty straight forward, so it was no big deal to go give him a hand.
It was a beautiful ride out through Durham this morning. Through the farm lands and the dense forests. The sun was shining and it was just so peaceful. I turned up the music in my truck and just enjoyed the drive immensely. I’m much more relaxed today for some reason. Perhaps it’s just working that gave me a sense of purpose today, and relaxed me with time in the sunshine too. I’m going to have one fabulous farmer’s tan! My arms and face are already getting dark.
I’m going to a girls softball game this afternoon. That should be really fun watching a couple of the local teams play. My niece plays on the town team, and I hear she’s pretty good. It will be more time out in the sunshine, absorbing vitamin D and deepening this tan. I remember the days I played softball, in the Army and in high school…I loved that game and wish I could still play today. My right shoulder just won’t allow it though, torn rotator cuff and hurt like hell after a few good throws. It was always my favorite sport to play. With billiards as my second favorite, but that is actually on a different level. I still play a lot of billiards/pool when I can…8 ball is my favorite game, and I am a pretty good shot. My stick is hanging in my bedroom just waiting to get broken out and used. I just need to find a suitable establishment to play at once again. The pool hall in Portsmouth tends to be really sleezy and I don’t like playing there. I’d rather play at a bar or establishment that has good tables. Damn, I miss that game.