Ruminate…

via Daily Prompt: Ruminate

My Horoscope for Today:

“You may feel somewhat open or vulnerable today. It could be that you’re allowing more of your authentic self to be seen by your friends or loved ones. Perhaps you’re taking a chance by attempting to make a new connection with someone you don’t know very well but would like to become closer to. If you’re feeling vulnerable today, try to invite more love into your life, even if you are afraid of rejection. An emotional risk could be a chance worth taking, so allow yourself to express what is on your mind or in your heart. Try to be completely open and honest. If you don’t censor yourself and let your true self show, you will create real connections with people.” 

This all really ruminates with me, I am totally in this space of allowing more of my authentic self to be exposed to my friends and loved ones. I have been getting to know someone more, and have been slowly learning about her, and she about me. I find it to always be taking a chance to let someone new into my life on an intimate basis.  But without taking that chance, and being my authentic self, I could be passing by a really awesome friendship or relationship. And I’m too old to let a chance like that get by me.

I had a really super productive weekend here at home.  I deep cleaned my house, caught up on all of the laundry and got things very organized.  I even got new shelving in the shed and got that more organized.  It feels great to have everything around me in it’s place.  Now to keep it well organized and picked up is all I need to do.  That and my normal weekly cleaning of everything I normally tend to, like changing my bed sheets, vacuuming and washing the floors as necessary.  I have to vacuum quite frequently because of the amount of Nola and Lulu hair that accumulates in the form of hair balls and dust bunnies.  Being ADHD I always do better when things are right in the world around me.  I even got the new knobs on the cabinet doors, although I am having screw-length issues with the draw pulls.  Seems that I need longer machine screws than those that came in the package with the pulls, and I got some longer ones but they were too long.

I’ve been doing better with my depression lately.  I take an anti depressant medication, and I think that I was on too high a dose, which was messing with me.  I’ve cut my dose in half and that seems to be doing the trick without the side effects.  I did discuss the change with my doctor and she was in agreement that I should try the lower dose.  I seem to be adjusting to it well, and my moods have stabilized very quickly.

I am starting to participate in a therapy group.  It’s for addiction issues and should be a good thing for me.  I haven’t done group therapy for years, my last group was of people dealing with living with HIV.  I liked it except that they were so focused on “dying” from HIV and not “living” with it.  I wanted more from the living aspect, and not the dying.  I had decided a long time before that that I would find a way to be at peace with my virus.  I take my medication, remain undetectable and keep very high T-cell counts.  Meds now consist of 3 pills once a day – a far cry from the 90’s and the handfuls of medications they threw at us to see what worked.  I’ve been lucky, I’ve taken pretty good care to stay healthy and to adhere to my medication regimen.

The new group will focus on addiction issues.  I am at a point where things are going relatively well in that area of my life.  I’m taking good care to stay clean and sober.  I have a whole new attitude and find that life is just far easier this way.  Plus I care deeply for the people in my life and want to keep them there.  LIVING successfully clean is my goal.   Sure, I will always fight addiction on some level, but I won’t let it beat me.

(written last weekend…finished today)

Daily Prompt: Vanish

via Daily Prompt: Vanish

Have you ever had anyone just up and vanish from your life?  Like “poof” they’re just gone?  I  think we probably have all had this experience with someone, because not everyone, who comes into our lives, comes in for the right reason or at the right time, or with the right intentions. They linger for a while, sap some of your energy, then perplexingly leave. Vanish.  Ghost.

I sometimes wonder where they are and how they are doing.  It makes me question whether they had come into my life to teach me that people just come and go at will.

I have to admit that I have also pulled this stunt and vanished myself.  I’ve tried to step out of situations with people that were just not right.  And sometimes extracting oneself from those situations means you have to sever all contact, or “ghost” them.  It never makes me feel good, but sometimes it’s necessary for self-preservation reasons.  Either that person wasn’t good for me or I wasn’t good for her.  Either way vanishing on someone probably isn’t really very nice to do.  But we all do it.

If a relationship of any kind – ie romantic, friendship, etc. – is going to  end for whatever reason, I would rather have closure with the person, talk about why we should go our separate ways and wish them luck in their journey.  I like to have things “on the table” so to speak.  And in getting closure you feel a lot less slimy about it.  Plus the idea of getting closure means you can say those things you may need to say to the person in order to clear your head and move on.

I believe that we can learn from every person that we meet in life.  Everyone has something special or unique to offer.  When they come into your life they come for a reason, and you may not know what it is or see the reason until long after they are gone, but there was a reason for sure.  Perhaps it was to teach some lesson or to learn something about yourself.

I have learned many lessons from people who came into my life and have since vanished from it.  One of the things that is most prominent is that nothing is forever; nothing is permanent or infallible.  No matter how close you get to someone, something can always happen to destroy that intimacy, and it’s better to be cautious of who you let into your world than to continually be destroyed by people choosing to vanish on you.

Perhaps I am jaded here.  Perhaps I have a skewed opinion of this because I’m bitter about some people who have chosen to vanish from my own life.  I hate when I wonder about them and how they are doing, and cannot reach out and ask.  Because if a person ghosts you it’s a hint that they don’t want to be in your life and I am not one to beg, I just let them go and move on with the life in front of me; focusing on those who do loyally choose to stay and stand by me.  I find it to be the best expense of energy personally.

So, “vanish” is the word of the day.  The picture is of a Red Cardinal, which to some represents a visit from someone who is thinking of you from afar, or from the afterlife.  I thought it was a good symbol for this particular blog.  Stay warm!  Peace!  ~MBcropped-male-cardinal2.jpg