Missing Her….

Yes, I finally got angry as fuck about how the woman I have been loyal and dedicated to for the last 21 months treated me so shitty in the end. I didn’t deserve that kind of mean, callous and immature type of treatment – no one deserves that shit, no one. I don’t care how “insulted” she was that I hung up on her or that I raised my voice and reminded her of her father…that’s a stupid ass excuse to turn into the Wicked Witch of Houston and treat me like total shit. So, I stupidly sent her a fuck you text…because I was livid. She really had me fooled that she was in love with me, cared for me and wanted “communication” in her relationships…that’s bullshit. She ditches anyone who disagrees with her and just ghosts them. That’s a deeply immature way to treat anyone ever – friends, lovers or anyone!

Here’s the kicker…I still fucking love her so fucking much and it hurts like ever-living hell. My heart aches for her, I spill tears everyday at some point just wishing she would call me and want to talk. Nothing that happened between us was bad enough for this kind of break up. It was all completely stupid and could have easily been discussed and put behind us. She just outright refused to even try with me….I think she may have said some shit about me to her friends/family there while we were having issues and now feels she cannot let me back in because they may question her…that’s exactly what I believe happened. She doesn’t want to look bad in anyone elses opinion – which she shouldn’t care about anyway. She should realize that people ALL have problems – hell, she knows that she has them with her other relationships as well – and everything has a solution, if you WANT it to be solved. Ignoring feelings – your own or those of the people who love you – is NOT civil behavior for anyone.

I gave her my heart. I gave her access to parts of me that no one has had. I trusted her not to hurt me, yet she did. She seemed to become vindictive toward me for some reason. It can’t be just because I raised my fucking voice…she it kept changing the reason she was mad…so I guess I’ll just never know for sure what her fucking problem is/was/will be in the future. This is behavior that she will sadly and unfortunately repeat with the next person in line and will continue to repeat until she deals with the underlying issues that cause her to behave as she does. I hope she does, I wanted to be there for her, she just wouldn’t let me.

My final text to her told her no to call me again…I didn’t mean it literally but I was very hurt and angry that she was being so vague and mean, I shouldn’t have sent it, but my anger took over and I was being ignored so blatantly. She would only respond to me in mono-syllables and often no response at all. I need her so bad. I love this woman so much and I’ve never seen anyone give up this easily on ANYTHING!!! I wanted so badly to see her and to discuss this in person. I suggested she come see me…she said I was pushing it…WTF? An invitation is pushing it? I thought if she would just agree to see me and sit and talk with me in person that we could mend things and continue what was previously a terrific partnership and a great shared love for some more time.

All I want is to see her. It hurts so fucking bad, I am still physically sick every day…I’ve lost over 20 lbs and feel like I lost my entire world in one day. I miss her and the kid so bad…I wish I knew what I could do to get her back, because I would do it in a heartbeat. It’s been just a month since she stopped talking to me -Sept 11 – and I still hurt to the bone.

How do I let this go? How long does it take? I almost think she’s self-sabotaging of her own relationships sometimes. When someone doesn’t act like she thinks they “should” she ditches them, punishing them and herself at the same time. I wish she would just care more and let her feelings be known. She doesn’t need to be so protective with me, I love her and don’t want her hurting.

I’ve had several other women hit me up and want to see me, have sex or date. It’s crazy. I know it’s somewhat difficult to find good, dedicated Butch partners, but damn!!! I am not interested in anyone else right now. I couldn’t even imagine being with anyone else feeling like I do inside. I don’t think I could do it. Nope.

So, I don’t know what will go on now with me. I guess I just keep on breathing and eventually the pain will subside. I only wish she wasn’t so proud and stubborn and would give us a chance to talk at least. I’m really lost without her love, really lost and sad AF. As angry as I was a few days ago when I sent that final text after her one line kick to the curb, I still want us to fix this…now I just have no idea how without her reaching out to me. I guess I can hope that eventually she will miss me a little and she’ll call or text me…who knows. I don’t count on anything anymore. Even when you give someone your best they find a reason that it’s not good enough, that you are not good enough and they leave. That just plain ass sucks.

I have 2 good friends who are helping me thru my days right now. Thankfully they both reached out when this happened and I needed to connect with other LGBT people so very much right now. They’ve been good listeners and have given me shoulders to cry on. I thank them both for that. They know who they are.

So that’s my sob story today. Like my buddy said to me, it’s okay to feel bad about things when they ARE bad…it’s okay to feel the grief and loss as I am right now. I just hope she’s happy now that I am out of her life…if that’s what she truly needed and wanted, for me to be gone. I wish it wasn’t like this, my heart aches….

~MB

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Fuck this.

So she came out and said she’s no interested in being involved with me any more. She’s fucked up. Can’t even be courteous enough to tell me WHY. oh and did it by text…coward.

I am going to fucking stay single! Screw being involved with anybody any more. I put myself into this and got fucking screwed over totally, with no explanation or conversation.

Fuck her. Fuck all stupid “bisexual” women, or married ones! I took a chance. She said she wasn’t going anywhere…FUCKING LIAR.

Understanding

I woke up in a pretty damned good mood this morning. Then I had my weekly therapy appointment at 10am. It went excellent today. I learned quite a few important things.

Firstly, I am very solid in my recovery. As bad as I have been feeling and struggling as of late with personal relationship issues I never once have reached back to my previous habit, slipped or regressed in my recovery. THAT is major. And it’s something I am proud of and that makes me feel much better about what I have to offer the world and other people.

We talked about how any crisis in any relationship usually equals potential growth opportunities for those involved if they want it to. There are revelations and lessons in the ways that each of us responds; lessons for ourselves individually as well as the ideal opportunity to grow together as a couple and add another brick to the foundation.

Also recognizing the reaction of a trauma survivor, often a victim of some form of former abuse by someone close to them – either from childhood or young adulthood – and understanding what triggers the protective withdrawal response the person has is important and must be understood. This is something I definitely recognize.

Also, I can’t be the “rescuer” in any situation. Because of who I am, my experiences and understandings, I am more of the “coach” mentality and less of the rescuer mentality. I like to see people grow and learn and free themselves – not need me to free them, instead maybe just need some compassion, understanding and guidance from me as an outside source to their healing. A support, a coach and someone who can empower someone else, someone they can trust and lean into for support.

It’s not my job to tell anyone how to grow from an experience, I can only offer myself as being there for the person and being willing to help them -and myself – learn from a difficult scenario, possibly to bring each to a better, higher understanding. Some get stuck in the modes of feelings and feel helpless or unable to change anything or get out of the space of that bad feeling on their own. Being a supportive mentor, listener and sort of “coach” is what I can do best, due to who I am.

It’s somewhat natural for me to want to “fix” everything for someone I love sometimes. Especially if she is a real giver, doer and puts herself out there often for others. When she’s not feeling appreciated for all she does she tends to withdraw or abandon things because maybe she feels unworthy or abandoned herself because no one was there to help when she needed it. See, I can’t “rescue” her from those internalized emotional responses and feelings. I can only help her acknowledge them, try to work through them and be there for her; letting her know I am there and want to help her. It’s then up to her, in her own time and mind, to accept me – or not – back into her life. Either way, I have to respect her decisions.

We all have to learn to create new, healthier ways of dealing with trauma triggers – which many of us subconsciously hold. I know I have mine for sure, but I try to stay aware of their destructiveness. Continuing the often self-destructive emotional ride of punishment can lead to other issues in other areas of life, depression, suicidal tendencies, eating disorders, and other unhealthy self-abuse. That is why we want to use the crisis as an opportunity to grow and learn.

I managed to continue with my own self-care and commitment to my recovery despite the stressful and somewhat personally traumatic circumstances of the last few weeks. That’s pretty damned good. My old ways of dealing with these things no longer serve me. My new ways are far more healthy and give me the strength and commitment to deal better with difficult situations that may come up in my future. That was the way I used to deal with my own trauma experiences and I changed it, so yes, this is good!

So, that’s some of what we discussed in my session today. It was perhaps the best one I have had in a few months. My therapist said I had to get to a place mentally where I could “see” these things more clearly and understand them. She was very encouraging and I felt great leaving her office. And I’ve actually come to look forward to my weekly sessions now as well, they’re definitely good for me and making me a better person.

Thought I would write this down while it was fresh in my mind. I have more reading to do and things to think about. Life is flying by fast! I need to make sure I don’t use my time to think about things the wrong way. I need to do things as right as I am able! I have to live my best life and be happy with who I am.

Peace! ~~ MB

Thoughts on Connection

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” ~ Brené Brown

“Rarely can a response make something better. What makes it better is connection” Brene Brown

‘Being empathetic is a choice to be vulnerable to the pain of the other. It’s being able to sit with the other’s pain without judgement, taking their perspective, recognizing the emotion, and communicating that to the person.”

I get a lot from much of Brene Brown’s work surrounding vulnerability and authenticity. She’s an incredible writer and one day I want to meet her and her speak in person. I’ve been reading her books for years and absorbing as much of her work as I can. There is much wisdom to be gained in reading brilliant authors.

I’ve never been great at connecting completely with any of my partners in the past. I think mostly because I never really felt “seen”for who I really am by them. In the past couple years I felt like I have been seen in a much more real way; away my heart has always wanted but I didn’t realize.

Being seen for who you really are requires that you let down your walls and make yourself vulnerable to another person’s judgment. That always felt incredibly scary to me and I shied away from that for the most part. I kept my emotions and my feelings tightly under wraps. I never trusted anybody not to use them to hurt me. I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone. Then I met her. Everything changed and I began to form a trust that I had never had with anyone else. Kind of screwy that you go through 55 years before you find that with one person. And it happened for me had a great time in my life and one where I was open to allowing it.

The thought of again learning about someone new, their thoughts, their feelings learning the things they like and dislike, the issues that they deal with daily -both hard issues and normal stuff – their moods, and their emotional response mechanisms is daunting and I really am not interested in doing it over again with someone new. It takes a lot to make that type of connection with one person. Yet I made that deep connection with her and lived her even more for the strength she has.

She and I both have fairly complicated lives due to the things that we have to deal with daily and that have happened to each us in our individual lives. those things are vastly different for each of us of course because we are each our own person with our own sets of experiences. We both accepted those things about each other willingly and lovingly which was a really great experience for me.the more I learned about her and the more involved I became in her life the more I wanted to be close to her due to that connection. I was also doing my best to give her those pieces of myself that I had never been willing to expose in the past. I feel like she was ready to catch me if I fell as I was ready to catch her when she fell. The mutuality is real.

All relationships in our lives go through various phases. Familiar relationships, friend relationships and of course romantic relationships all have their own sets of intricacies and we deal with each one in different ways. Hopefully those ways are healthy for us and improve our lives.

Once in awhile you hit a hard spot that’s kind of difficult to deal with yet must be dealt with appropriately, especially if it involves emotional response. Sometimes we fuck up.

In my way of thinking there’s nothing that can’t be worked through or past in a romantic connection except infidelity, intentionally harmful dishonest acts or physical abuse. Everything else, with good communication and empathy, can be sorted out to the largest degree in a good relationship. It doesn’t mean we forget things it just means that we forgive those things when we love someone and we understand whatever happened was not one of the three things above.

That’s kind of where I’m at today. I have asked her to try to find forgiveness for the err in my ways. Because I never meant to hurt her in any way and I never would try to hurt her in any way intentionally. I only want to be in her life to make things better maybe a little easier and to add love and compassion… something we all need and should have in our lives.

I believe she knows that I’m a very good person, a good Butchand a loyal partner who loves her and have that I have strived to treat her the very best that I can. I believe she understands that I lost my grip for a few minutes and made mistakes. And I believe that she loves me and that we can get back to being happy together again if she lets go of the anger and replaces it with forgiveness and we are more aware of communicating our needs. It’s not good to hold anger about anything for too long because it just eats at your soul making you bitter and unhappy. Maybe she wants to let go of it and doesn’t really know how, or is afraid of other people will have a bad opinion of her, I don’t really know. Hopefully she sees that this relationship is worth the effort and discomfort for both of us.

Unexpected things happen in life all the time and we have to remember that were each human and we’re each learning from every experience and every unexpected occurrence. Either person having one or two bad days is nothing to drop an entire great relationship over. If that was so, we’d end up starting over every two weeks with a new person and that would suck in my opinion. Sure, you definitely want to express how it made you feel and ask that it not happen again or that it be handled differently the next time any of those feelings come up, you don’t just let go. This is what I’m trying to get her to see and understand before it’s too late.

I know she’s mad at me because I hurt her, unintentionally, but still I know it hurt. I just want us to have the opportunity to work through this and continue what I believe is a great relationship and that we still have many more memorable moments to be made together.

What I’ve learned about myself and all of this is that I need to think before I speak and I need to pay more attention to what the other person is not saying out loud and be much more sensitive and empathetic to situations that I don’t understand. I also learned that I have been scarred deeply by my father with his silent but deadly treatment when I was growing up. And that has made the last five weeks very difficult to handle on that level.

I’m also a loner who doesn’t tell many people my personal business especially when it comes to my intimate relationship. Yet it’s been pretty obvious that I have been deeply disturbed and upset lately. Thankfully those who I encounter don’t ask many questions. Nor do they deserve explanations.

I’m living my life no one elses, that’s my decision. My actions and decisions are mine and mine alone to form, to hold and to change if I feel like it. No one has any control of that part of me. Plus I really don’t care what other people think about what I do personally, that’s my business. And I’ve had to be like that all my life in a lot of ways due to being lesbian and having to hide myself so much throughout much of my life.

Yep so that’s where I’m at today…

Peace — MB

Anxious Day

As a US Army veteran I sit here tonight completely furious about Trump single-handedly ordering our troops away from the border in Syria, allowing Russian-backed Turkish troops to go in and slaughter our allies – the Kurds. This order is completely insane out completely out of context as to our reason for backing the Kurds and the Kurds assisting us and the coalition in retaking Syria from ISIS. Trump is a coward and is obviously working for Putin and Erodan, not for US interests or world benefit. This is the worst move possible and will cause every other ally of ours to question our commitment to peace, question if we will be there as we said we would be if they were attacked, and will forever tarnish the handshake of America – possibly destroy it completely.

I think of all the things I have on my mind and how they are so much of regular life kind of stuff compared to what the poor people in norther Syria will experience at any moment now. MSNBC just reported at 10:30 pm that the Turkish army, backed by Russian troops are advancing on the border with the intent of wiping out the Kurdish forces and bringing Russian occupation to Syria. President Trump, after a late night phone call last night with Erdowan agreed to pull the USA troops out so that Erdowan and Putin could do this. That is just SICK and TWISTED!!! Not only will soldiers die, but many women and children will also be killed, maimed and have their lives further destroyed in the process.

I have nothing to worry about as I lay my head down to sleep, except that I am very conscious that tonight many will die unnecessarily. I worry about the cost of food rising 25-40% next week, I worry about my girl and her child and Rett syndrome, I worry about bills, my dogs, my health, health of those I love dearly…but I know they will all wake up tomorrow safely in their beds, our worries here seem somehow small at the moment – not life threatening – while we remain ignorant to how this will affect all of us.

We will sleep while our country turns it’s back and a blind eye away from what is about to become a horrific world tragedy -that could be prevented with one word from Trump ordering US forces to fully protect the Kurds and that northern Syrian border. I wish I could look inside Trump’s moronic brain and see where they left out the empathy, compassion and loyalty parts. He needs a brain transplant badly.

Sometimes it’s amazing how much I can be aware of in my head all at the same time.

Of course I am trying to keep up with my personal life. Still working on some relationship issues and hoping that will eventually work itself out. It sucks not hearing her voice daily or seeing pictures. She’s asked for some time and space, so I am trying like a MFer to give it to her, but I admit it’s incredibly hard because I am thinking of her continually. I want to put this last 5 weeks behind us and get back to that happy place with have together. We are all bound to have blow ups in our relationships – hell, any relationship – it’s normal, or so my therapist tells me. I just want to make amends and do the right things to make it up to her. I realize I caused it all, and I regret that very much. I just need her to try to forgive me and see if we can regain our mojo together. I think we can. I guess I will just keep trying.

I would send flowers everyday or send any of the multitude of letters I have written to her, but I am fearful that she will have me arrested as a stalker. Isn’t that horrible??? Today’s world is so fucked up that way. I don’t want to be seen that way, I only want her to realize how deeply and completely I do love her – thru the good and the bad – and that I am here for her and not going anywhere, just like I have told her repeatedly long before this ever happened. I want our relationship to continue and for it to be happy again. That’s all.

So, I am trying like hell to be patient. She likes things to go fast and be cut and dried. The mix of those two are holding us up I think. I am so angry with myself for hurting her, for not being there and for my behavior in the first place This all could have totally been avoided. My fuck up. I only hope she can find forgiveness and the love to get through this hurtful time and be happy with me once again. We’ve talked about what happened enough I think. So, now in my thinking it’s time to move forward with ways to repair things. Keep your fingers crossed for me people! I need all the luck I can get right now.

I been painting my bedroom, it’s been a bit of hell because I didn’t realize how much physical labor is involved in painting – or i seemed to have forgotten. My back is trashed and this amount of continuous labor is really aggravating it. I’m doing all I can for the pain, but I had to literally take yesterday off because I could barely move. I have the ceiling done and now all of the trim is double-coated in trim color. Tomorrow I intend to do the walls. I am hoping to make that a one day task, but if it needs 2 coats it will take 1 more day.

My office / reading room is next. Maybe in a week or two! No way that’s happening in the very near future.

This coming weekend is Columbus day weekend. That means peak foliage here. It’s supposed to be fairly nice. I was going to go up into the White Mountains, but I have decided to stay home. I have plenty to do here and there are local things happening that I can entertain myself with if need be. Beach time is definitely on the agenda!

Time to get some shut eye — if I am even able to sleep, I at least need to lay down and rest and try for sleep. Wearing myself a bit thin these days. Hope that evens out sooner rather than later.

Peace ~~ MB

Late Night Ramble…

I wish I could mow the lawn at night. I’m awake and my mind is buzzing…literally and figuratively! Ha! My pain level is elevated today due to the onset of the colder weather. Went from 80 last Saturday to 58 today…makes the old bones ache a bit! Especially my right shoulder and lower back today. I may have to go get some traction on it on Monday.

The political melee going on right now is also bouncing around inside my noggin. It’s just horrifying to watch Trump and Co. run rampant over the laws and norms of America’s Democracy experiment. He’s kicked down all the guardrails and is storming like a highly energized, crazy 3 year old. It’s scary as fuck in far to many ways to list. One thing I – and I bet most others – that is going to affect all of us is that this is going to throw the USA into uncharted, dark times. Things are going to get crazy and it’s not going to be one-bit pleasant for anyone living in this country. Everything will be chaotic. The economy will take a hit across the board from manufacturing to professional services. Violence will definitely increase and spread like wildfire.

Already Iran has taken advantage of us looking the other way by launching a large scale hack attack on a 2020 campaign and has attempted (not sure if successfully yet) to obtain 3700 email accounts access for journalists, politicians, campaigners and other related individuals. Our cyber “security” in the USA is pretty much non-existent. We are an easy target for malicious foreign actors – especially right now and that will only increase as the 2020 election approaches. Those who voted for #45 should remember that you voted in a guy who loves a corrupted election and will do it blatantly, right under our noses, laughing all the way to the bank – or some account in the Cayman Islands!

Yes, it’ bothers the fuck out of me that I am literally watching our Constitution and the laws of America smashed like so much trash every damned day. It’s going to take decades to undo this debacle and restore trust in America – and for America abroad. Our former allies do not trust us anymore and are watching our current leadership crisis with wonder and fear. And the world’s autocrats, like Putin, are loving watching America squirm under his direction. His puppet is doing it’s job. Just what he wanted. Guilliani said it tonight when asked what the point of this was, “disrupt the world” he said, serious as anything. Be afraid people, be very afraid. No one is going to be immune to what’s about to happen across this country, so buckle up buttercup, as the saying goes.

Lies, deception, corruption and secrecy all coming from the president and his henchmen. Pence, Pompeo, Mulvaney, Guilliani and their people are doing the bidding of ONE man, not the business of the country. They’re using OUR tax money to fly around the world trying to make up dirt on Joe Biden – who is close as you get to honest and scandal-less – all for the purpose of political gain for the most corrupt, disrespectful and malicious man who is occupying the Oval Office.

Ok, I think maybe I will lay back in my bed and see if I can fall asleep for a couple of hours. It’s almost 4am and I want to get a fairly early start – I’d like to be outside and working on the fall clean up of my yard and gardens by 9am at the latest! Can’t fire off the lawnmower until 8am anyways!

Got myself a little buzz and feeling okay tonight. I just hope I can get the stuff in my head done this weekend!

~MB

Fall has Arrived

I brought in my hibiscus this afternoon then ended up watching the weather and brought in all my other plants…it’s going to go low tonight. Frost expected so it’s all downhill from here…snow soon. I’m just not ready. It’s the end of the growing season. Another year gone by.

I fired up the furnace today. Yep, finally cold enough to need it mornings and evenings at least right now. Lulu doesn’t recognize the noise of it firing up yet, so she keeps going into a tizzy! It’s comical – then annoying AF. I just took her down the hall and stood in front of the burner closet with her in hope that she will associate the noise with the closet instead of the driveway!

I do like Fall though. Deerfield Fair was great. And the mountain foliage is coming in super colorful right now. We do need rain though. Apples are ripe, orchards are busy right now. Mom’s been making pies and the bonfires are awesome. Boots, hoodies and flannel shirts time of year, can’t beat it. Tomorrow I will cut back my own outside gardens and put away the Summer stuff til next Spring. With a little luck snow will hold off til after Thanksgiving this year.

The last week was one of appointments and meetings. Getting tuned up and having a few things checked. Haven’t been up to writing much. Been catching up on the news evenings, which is totally out of control, while chatting with friends by text. It’s amazing to me that someone, I have no clue who it would BE, hasn’t gone in and arrested the entire White House staff and Trump too! Shocking how he is now running rampant over the justice system and the Constitution. And the GOP sits by silently. We call that “Silence equals Death” in some circles….they’re going to pay dearly for their silence on these matters of national security and interest. The impeachment parties will be EPIC!!!

I’m concocting a list for the weekend. I got paint for my bedroom and my office today and plan to tackle that after the outdoor work is done. I’m looking forward to remodeling both rooms. They’ll be pretty nice when finished!

So that’s my Friday update. Hope you all enjoy your weekend!

~MB