A Different Way….My Thursday Thoughts

“Cut everyone a bit of slack today and allow others to be on a different page if that’s where they are most comfortable. Unfortunately, confusion arrives when people simply do not understand each others plans. However, a wide variety in responses to a particular situation is a study in perfection, since variation creates options. While practicing patience is challenging at times, all involved appreciate when you take the time to explain your position. Confirm your clarity by ignoring cryptic facial expressions or other red herrings and continue pursuing the truth. Speed reading is no substitute for true comprehension.” DailyOm Horoscope

I have been thinking alot about women “being in the closet”… and on how tug-of-war emotions, fear of unknown reactions, discrimination, fear of abandonment and admonishment, can steer us in vastly different directions. What if you have a lover, but your family doesn’t “know” that this person is your same-sex lover? Then, as time goes by perhaps the family starts to question this friendship – which to you is an intimate relationship – and this causes you discomfort. Do you tell your lover or do you keep it to yourself?

Feeling like an outsider, facing scorn and hearing lectures or negativity directed at you from parents, siblings or others because “they” think you are making a poor decision to be with someone of the same sex is a horrendous feeling. Anyone who has “come out” to their family understand this incredible amount of stark fear, anxiety and unconscious sabotage of oneself as one tries to cautiously steer around the obstacles created by the secrecy of the true nature of your relationship with your lover. And to steer around that lover’s feelings as well, especially if she is out herself and may not fully understand your own hesitation and fear.

We are all conditioned to follow a certain path in life through the guidance and expectations – usually of our parents and influential people in our lives – we are expected to follow those paths blindly because that is just what we do, fear reprisal from others for deviating from their ideas of how we are supposed to act and what we are supposed to do with our lives. This is particularly true for women.

Then there’s the part of admitting to your friends that you are indeed in a lesbian relationship. This will also extend to co-workers, associates and perhaps some clients who may know you better than others. Some professionals remain in the closet about their true sexual preferences due to fear of discrimination and negativity, or even violence, in the workplace.

A person may be able to maneuver carefully for some time to keep these areas of her life compartmentalized somewhat. Yet, eventually something will come up that will throw all of these pieces and people of your life crashing together in one place. At that point you have to make some decisions. Some uncomfortable, hard decisions. Some that may be life-altering. You’ll have to choose between being your truly authentic self, or to sacrafice being that true self for being what others wish to see and have come to expect you to be. The false sense that somehow we have to grow up, get married, have children and appease our parents and those who think they know us; keeping our true selves hidden and safe from questions and the possible shaming exposure of who we really are. Is it even possible to be happy with oneself while all of this is happening inside and outside of the mind?

Coming out later in life – in all that it means and entails – is a very frightening place to be, fearful of recrimination from those who’ve known you for decades, or parts of you, and having it revealed that they didn’t really “know” everything; that you’ve been masking a large piece of who you truly are from them. What will happen? Will they walk away? Leave you on your own? Take away their support and love? Stop helping, stop seeing you, stop doing business with you? Fire you? Refuse to hire you? Evict you? Yes, these are ALL things that can and DO happen to many when they come out into the real world. Once you’ve built a false world of security around you, speaking your truth could end it all, or it could enhance it all. You never really know until it happens, if it happens. It requires a bravery and confidence that can only come from within yourself.

Then there are those of us who are unable to be closeted. Those who live very out, visible and authentic lives in the public and private sphere. Our visibility is a curse and a blessing combined. When we walk into a room people notice and know. It’s not something we could hide even if we tried, and most of us have tried. We are a threat to those who disagree with our lifestyle and our preference. We’re a threat to those who remain in the closet. We’re a threat to those who are not closeted, but who don’t care for how blatantly visible we present.

Mixing those two can lead to hurt and shame. I have been in a position where my ex-wife could not have me in the same space as her mother. The influence and pressure the mother exerted on her was too much, it caused her shame and fear. It also caused me much shame. Shame that she didn’t see or understand. I felt that she was ashamed that I was her partner; ashamed of her love for me and ashamed to be seen with me. I treated her like a goddess, so I know it wasn’t about how I loved her, it was about her and her own issues of internalized homophobia. I never understood this until recently. Now I am no longer blind to that with women, and I hope not be put into that situation again. No closeted lovers. Period. I’m done with that now.

I also realize I’ve been too much of a nice-boi in recent times. I miss the power exchange and normalcy that the Butch-femme dynamic brings to my life. While I wanted my last girl to “get” it, I don’t really think she did. I tried to go slow, now I realize that was also a mistake. I should have been my more authentic relationship self from the get go, but I was fearful it would push her away. In reality, if that had happened, it would have been the indicator to me that she wasn’t ready for my type of relationship anyway.

I’m not into 24/7 PE but it does have to be a good part of my life, especially in certain settings. I’m not a great “teacher” either, and it should not be up to me to teach at my age. I need a woman who lives the life and knows it’s what she wants and needs part of her own life. A woman with far more experience in handling a Butch like myself. And who is sure and confident in her own sexuality; never doubting or questioning if she’s really lesbian or not, or if she wants to be in a lesbian relationship or not…not just a sex thing, a hook up or a part-time lover, but a serious, long-term relationship with just me, that’s exactly what I want.

While I did want that with my last lover, and wanted it very badly, I should have backed up and taken a look at what was standing in my way – her whole life and family, who she’s not out to completely 100%. I realize she’s got a whole “set-up” there to take care of herself and my encroaching on it wanting a more serious thing with her eventually made her have to make that choice and push me out of the picture, using an excuse so she didn’t have to admit the truth, so her life would continue to remain in it’s stable, comfortable and predictable state of being.

I missed all of the subtleties by being too focused on her. After a step back and counselling I now see the big picture much more clearly. It makes me sadder for her than for me, as it cannot be a fully enjoyable existence and has to leave one feeling that something is always missing. I love the fuck out of her and I hope one day she has that kind of deep happiness and fulfillment in her life that she probably wants. Hindsight is 20/20 they say, I had my eyes opened and even though I didn’t want to believe it, it fits like a glove.

That’s my blog for today. Have any of you ever dated a closeted woman? How did you handle it? How did it end?

Be Kind. ~~ MB

Manifesting and Snow

Step outside your comfort zone and you will be surprised in what you find.

Blogging, writing, journalling, call it what you may. It’s the only way the words in my head, the thoughts and weird shit that stirs around up there in the gray lagoon called my brain, get out and it helps me work on myself, to see things more clear, more true and with more open attitudes nowadays. My writing has been all over the place over the decade plus that I’ve been publically exposing my writing and thoughts. It’s improved, and I’ve improved. I’ve run the gamut from political opinion to gut-raw words of my truths. Some blogs have been better – just like some days or even years, have been better – right? And some blogs or articles I am far more sure of their content than others.

I write because it’s what I do. It’s what I like. It’s part of who I am. It’s my way of fighting back at the negativity I get for taking up a space in the world that some do not believe I should be in at all.

I also write because I CAN. Here in America we do still have a Constitution and Article 1 says I have the right to freedom of speech. I have much respect and admiration for those who blog and report from countries that do not have this right; for those who have been murdered, executed or died because they spoke out, the wrote about things their governments forbid. Imagine if that were America? (Shudders.)

What enters us to write through us is more an exploratory being than one completely sure of what we write. I do believe, however, that more evil has been done in this world by those absolutely sure of the rightness of their faith and their beliefs than by those who continue to explore, and the older I get, the more I realize that although part of a larger world and universe, we are all unavoidably alone in our existence.”

Words create the world around us; resulting in what is to be and what will become. How often we forget, we are what we say and do. Allow yourself to believe in what you are creating for it to be the best experience available. Speaking negativity will create negativity. Speaking positively will result in positivity.”

“Is it really unrealistic to think, you do create what you are and where you are going? The universe does put you in situations where you have no control, but there are things you can do before hand to end up there.”

What choices are you making today to make a better tomorrow? Are you allowing your words to impact your life positively?

Well, I try like hell to keep a positive spin on things. Depending on the subject, I try to look at life’s experiences as stepping-stones of your life’s progression on the journey, for the most part, a journey only known to destiny. I’ve followed my road where it’s taken me. And I believe that is all any of us really “do” in life.

“Lone behold the pessimistic truth that what you work so hard for to get is mostly unseen, until the end and success has long come to pass.” as it’s said.

What choices am I making…to continue to voice my opinion, to occupy this space and to be my authentic self in this fucking insane world we all live in. I’m choosing to continue on the adventure to see what I can see – as MUCH as I can see! And to have a peaceful heart. I’m making a choice to speak out against my own government; to speak truth to power, and to do my part in the resistance. And I’ve made the choice – or the discovery – that you really are only as happy as you want to be in reality.

“You’re the only person who can decide when you want to fail or succeed, to be happy or sad, to get up or stay down. Choose wisely and live without fear.” Ray Rodriguez

“When all else fails and there is nothing left, how empty the cup is. Looking for the fountain to fill with joy yet, no fresh springs are tapped. Just remember one thing that struggles can and will be more fulfilling rather than an instant gratification that will simply fade away. To be able to smile at the mistakes made, laughing at how small the giant elephant in the room seemed, is a true gift.” Will’s Words

I’ve been do a ton of reading as well as watching quite a bit of History and NatGeo channels and my brain feels a bit like a sponge. Probably just more useless factoids that I learn from the shows or book. My latest concentrated interest has been in the Viking world. Been watching as much history and culture videos as I can get my eyes on and doing a good amount of web research. The whole topic just fascinates me. I’d actually do cosplay if I could be a Viking warrior – maybe a slightly slower, older warrior…hehehe. I’ve been fascinated by Viking lore since I was a kid, always loved it and sought out books about it quite often. I have a notebook of my Viking lore stuff and a list of the settlements and warrior graves. I want to visit that area so fucking bad! It would be THE coolest kind of adventurous vacation.

Am I the only one who likes a little adventure in my travels? I’ve definitely made it a point throughout my life to do some cool shit in places I’ve visited or spent any amount of time in, and it’s definitely one of the most memorable parts of those times throughout my life. From listening to the Saguaros “sing” on a breezy Tucson night under the stars was something I could never forget, definitely very cool to a couple of nights hanging out around the old Stonewall bar in NYC and attending World Pride that year on a trip to NYC. THAT was a fucking blast!!! Smoking weed out front with cops continually walking by, they were more worried about fights than weed it seemed.

Ok, I was literally in the middle of writing this last night, thinking about the things that I want to have in my life and working on manifesting them, when my phone dinged with a text from someone I really wanted to hear from and who is on my mind constantly, but who I haven’t had the pleasure of any contact in about 5 weeks…yes, I do believe that there is something to this “manifesting” way of living and thinking. With the changes I have been instituting in my ways of thinking manifesting my desires fits right into my new attitude.

Anyway, it made my heart stop momentarily, my brain sort of short circuited, and I had to work to breathe…but it was woth it, worth any and every feeling that shot through me in that moment. I have no idea what it means. I am not going to assume anything. I am not going to become derailed in any way. I am just going to keep smiling, growing, learning and enjoying the little things in life. If anything should come of it in the future – which would be great – I will be in that moment and enjoy it if it happens. It’s not going to worry me now.

I had to deal with 9 inches of fresh snow this morning, and we have another predicted 10″ coming tonight thru tomorrow. My back is okay at the moment, but after the next clean out it will most likely be sore. I am going to book a chiropractor appointment for later in the week to help with the discomfort, plus extra Aleve, ice, heat and stretching will all be in order. Tomorrow I will wear my back support belt while shovelling… I forgot that today. I was too preoccupied with applying the proper layers of warm clothing and just forgot the belt. It’s not too bad tonight despite the forgetfulness.

My snow depth stick I made yesterday.

Ok, if to sleep…take care my friends and readers! Get ready for the new year that’s fast approaching!!

Be Kind. — MB

Holiday Blues

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I got up and didn’t even want to go out of my house, but I managed to get myself ready and off to spend part of the day with my family. It wasn’t a good day for me. Lots of feelings of loss and sadness. And this morning, the same. Maybe a little worse. My heart hurts.

I’m trying not to let this be the case, but this holiday season is going to be really hard for me. I miss her and the kid still so fucking much. There are these holes in my life. I had to tell someone that I am just not ready to date anyone else yet, I can’t with while I have these feelings still so strong in me. Actually, I think it will be quite a while before I am intimate with anyone else, if ever. Maybe that’s going overboard, but it’s how I feel right now.

I held myself back – just barely – from texting her and wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving yesterday. I wanted to do it so bad, but I was afraid I’d get a “fuck you” text back and I didn’t want to ruin my day any further. I just fucking miss her. I wish there were a way around this for us.

So, Thanksgiving yesterday and a funeral today. Great. I really hate funerals, but I need to attend this one. It’s a guy who was very close to my whole family, so I must pay my last respects properly.

It’s a beautiful day. We’re due for plowable snowfall on Monday…fuck. That mean shoveling and snow removal. My least favorite outdoor task. I’ll get ‘er done though, you know I will.

I’m going to work on a new video intro for my YouTube channel tonight. Trying to keep my chin up and keep my heart patched together.

I hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving.

~ MB

My Brain on Over-drive

November 2019

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Fuck. It kind of crept up on me this year as I wasn’t really paying attention. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, yet it will be somewhat good to spend a bit of time with my biological family. They all mean well and I do love them dearly – most of them. I only hope that the blue / red division won’t come into play. I hope no one is out to trigger anyone else with political bullshit. I hope it’s peaceful, loving and fun. No drama. And I hope that for ALL of YOU out there in the world!

This is so true of my feelings for sure! MB

I woke up this morning feeling a little out of sorts, confused and anxious. I don’t see my doctor until a couple of days before my birthday in January. I think I need a med adjustment, or change, something just isn’t working any longer. I’ve been doing some research and I think that I will wean off of the Wellbutrin and increase the Cymbalta dosage. I did pretty good on the higher dose of that previously, without any other anti-depressant added. I want to go back to a single anti-d med. So, yeah, that’s my plan. I hope my new doctor will hear me out and help me make that change.

I believe that in 2020 the injection for HIV suppression will be available to those of us living with this fucked up virus. I am on my doctor’s primary list to be given this injection as soon as it’s available to us. It’s been super successful in trials and is almost there with final approvals by the powers that be. I’ll be happy not to be taking pills every morning to maintain my zero viral load status!

With only 5 weeks left in 2019 I have begun to put together some plans and ideas for 2020, from books I want to read to places I plan to visit. I’ve just begun the process. I’m starting a vision board and I just started a new adventures notebook to memorialize the year. I don’t like to do much for “long-term” planning, so I keep it simple. I don’t plan out exact dates or exact routes, motels, or make any type of itinerary for an adventure. That’s why it’s an “adventure” and not a planned out visit. My ex-wife used to actually create and print out an itinerary for every trip we took together – and there were many! It drove me crazy, but I smiled and went along with it generally. One trip we took I actually threw the itinerary out the car window in the middle of the mountains in Arizona…she wasn’t pleased, but she already had it memorized anyway. That trip was awesome as fuck and I have tons of great memories from those 10 days.

A few of my ideas/plans thus far are:

  • Four road trips, one during each season of 2020 to be planned around the weather and conditions at the time and in the places I’ll be cruising. Some are going to be Minnesota, Utah, Florida & Texas. Plus a trip across Maine on Old Canada Road, Rte 201.
  • Two long hikes. This I’ve already started gearing up for. I need to be in better physical condition and healthy as I can be when I embark on these adventures. One will be part of the Appalacian Trail, which I have done portions of in the past and loved it. Both are planned to be 3 day adventures.
  • One adventure to Canada. I think I will enter at Niagra Falls (for convenience) and head to Toronto. I have a couple of LGBT friends near Toronto who I would love to see in 2020.
  • Museum of Natural History in NYC, I’ll also go to Ellis Island and visit Ground Zero.

I just had a shitload of work done on my car – not fun – so I know it’s in top shape for long runs. I’ve set up a special account for saving funds for these things, which is going well thus far. The car repairs set it back a bunch, but it had to be done. The car is overall in good shape albeit high mileage at 204K but the mechanic looked it all over thoroughly and he says she’s fine for long distance cruising. Unfortunately, one cannot avoid those kinds of things that seem to happen when you can least afford it – car, furnace or other big expense home stuff. I usually manage somehow, this time was a bitch but I pulled the fucking rabbit out of the hat once again. Thanks to side hustles and Yankee ingenuity.

Nola and Lulu have been great. Lu is silly as usual and going through one of her twice yearly sheds right now. She looks like a pretty ugly long-haired Chihuahua right now. I give her hair and skin supplements and it should grow back in very nicely – it did last time! But in the meantime she’s looking awkward to say it mildly! Nola is just Nola. Stodgy old gal she is. I got this awesome photo of them which I am having framed once the print arrives. Going to do an “assembly” buy at Micheals, it’s way less expensive than just ordering it to be framed. My sister the photographer clued me in on this method. So, I get the frame, matt and photo then take it all to the framing counter and ask for them to assemble it. They do it beautifully I am told, with a nice backing and including hanging hardware and it’s half the price. Here’s the picture…it’s my favorite shot ever taken of them together. Nelson Linscott, very kindly, digitally enhanced it for me.

October 2019

Gummy production has been going spectacular. I couldn’t be happier about that little endeavor of mine. My awesome recipe is all the rave with my customers. They like it way better than last summer’s first round try – which came out awesome and was a great first round learning experience. Someone else actually did the cooking last time though, and this time I did it myself with the new method and recipe. I educated myself in depth about how to make them commercial grade, less sticky, and the right milligram desired. And this batch, instead of translucent, is solid colored and much softer, more flavorful. And they are not sticky. I also learned not to keep them refrigerated, it’s not necessary unless you use real fruit juice, in which case they will mold. Keeping them sealed and in a place that’s just room temperature is fine. This batch here is lime. I am set up to manufacture both orange and cherry flavors this weekend, with another supply of product grown myself.

It’s been a hard fall losing friends unfortunately. On this last Monday my old friend Tractor Bob, who had been sick for years battling cancers, died peacefully at home. I used to call him a “hosta” because nothing seemed to phase him or kill him off – and he went through some pretty traumatic crap during the last years of his life, but he kept on getting back up and fighting. I’m going to miss him, but I am relieved that his pain is gone and he’s at peace.

I also lost another couple of old friends / acquaintances to drug overdoses, which I see as so uselessly tragic. I’m so glad that I got out of that whole scene a few years back now and I have no inclination to return to that crap ever. I’ve made it through some very difficult things without reaching for dope to deal with it, so I ‘m pretty proud of the strength I have in me now. It’s also thanks to some very good friends and my mom’s support and encouragement that I’ve stayed clean, that’s a fact that is not lost on me. I lost my best friend even to that crap. I had to 86 her from my life on July 3rd and while I hope she’s doing okay wherever she is now, I just can’t be around people who use like that anymore. Too bad, 2019 was a year of some pretty painful losses for me, but I survived and I’ve learned. It’s all about the lessons I suppose. (That’s bullshit).

I have to go get myself looking decent now for a pre-game get together tonight. Often a few of us get together the night before Thanksgiving. Although my brain wants to just stay home and write more tonight, I need to go and be social. I’ve been hiding from people far too much lately and I realize it, so I need to fix that right away. At least I’m not reconnecting with toxic people – aka my ex-bestie – which is always a risk when a person in recovery gets lonely. I’m not THAT fucking lonely! hahaha. I get out a lot, just not to hang out with anyone in particular. Generally it’s to the beach or Vaughn Woods to hike with my dogs, or to town to do errands, but that doesn’t count as “socializing” I am told! So, off i go! Hope you all have an enjoyable T-giving eve! Take it easy on the wine and spirits, and have a great time! Hugs to all.

Gobble. ~ MB

Brain Lock

In-valid. Of no value. No longer valid.

When she said that word to me it struck me. Why would any woman refer to herself as feeling “in-valid”? I thought about this for a while here today. I find it a disturbingly interesting reference to her feeling about herself. I need to know more; I want to know more.

It’s an interesting kind of word “invalid”, in the sense of not feeling valid. It seems that lots of us see some sort of validation that we are someone who means something, is something, stands for something or offers something unique to our community or to the world. Humans want to be needed; to be loved and to be valued. It’s an instinctual part of survival of the species if you want to be scientific about it. For one to feel “in-valid”, or not valid, is not only a very depressing feeling, but it clouds how you see yourself and ultimately others.

The ups and downs of emotion can be exhausting. I really, really like things on a nice even keel, not major emotional swings, no hiccups. Having been through a very emotional experience myself in the last few months I can say with authority that feelings of inadequacy and rejection can really screw with the head, and not in a fun kind of way. Once I got to the point where sensibility kicked in, I said ok, this is insanity feeling like this and I put the effort required in to breathe deep and let it go. No use in fighting it any longer. Easy? Oh Hell no, but I’m trying like fuck to let it go and continue on this unknown, crazy, exciting journey called life. Looking ahead is so much less painful they say…I don’t believe that for a second, but I’m trying. It’s taken me some time to get it behind me, I admit. I fine though, life goes on.

Trying not to think about something or someone when you know, sensibly, that you should not be looking back is a bitch to do. Fucking grief, the love with no place to go, no way to it’s intended destination. I hate it. I had to remember that it wasn’t me that changed. I didn’t ask for this, and surely didn’t want to be thinking about her in hind-sight for sure.

I used to operate under the rules of keeping my brain trained to control every emotion; stay locked inside and not let my true feelings or worries ever show. Use my military mind training to control my personal, intimate life. I always lived by the Butch codes as well. Then a couple of years ago I decided to take a chance; do things differently, give it a try they said…wtf… If I didn’t take the chance I would have never known – and also I wouldn’t still be grieving the loss. Fucking grief, the love with no way to reach it’s intended destination.

Thanks to a little bit of therapy, some really good buddies, a bit of femme sweetness and a lot of reading I feel at least loved and wanted in the world. I’m back to my smiley, goofy, often stoned self. on those days that I get that “something’s missing” feeling I do my Butch best to stand taller and shake it off. Remembering that my life is here and it’s all good, I’m still feeling good, staying healthy, and having fun – rock on life! And now believing that the real work of the human heart and mind is learning to hold complicated feelings simultaneously. So it’s all good, except for the coming snow…that is not good….

And I’m finally finding that brain lock once again. Reinstalling that motherfucker and throwing away the pin number! Using past experience to enhance present life, that’s my plan. I was talking to a buddy down south earlier and we were discussing meditation and THC. He’s got a unique take on the topic and I’m going to give his method a try. THC relaxes me overall and sometimes makes me goofier and I laugh like crazy at everything. Some strains make me clean the whole house, others I get couch-lock. I like those mid-level buzzes best, where I can still function fully and yet be happy in my head. The buzz where no one else even has to know you’re buzzed buzz. hehehe

Funny buzz story…I got up this past Saturday and did my morning routine, but added a 20mg wafer. Then, forgetting I ate the wafer, I drove over to Savers to d donate some boxes of stuff. I knew it was time to go back home when I handed the guy the box, turned around and tried to get into the passenger seat of my car…yeah, I went straight home. The buzz hit me like a brick wall as soon as I stood up and walked to the rear of my car to get the boxes…then I remembered the wafer. It was pretty funny. I was alone, but I still had a good laugh on the way home. I generally do NOT drive stoned. No lectures please.

I am trying out a new social news network. There are a couple of new ones out there now. Along with some new, much safer browsers. I listened to a Maine public radio broadcast today about cyber security for individual specifically, and they were talking about how some of the more common hacks are done. Turn off your blue tooth people, unless you are at home. It’s very easy to get within 30′ of you and hack your phone with the bluetooth on, especially if you’re in a car. Anyway, the new networks are offering less advertising and more security from bad actors. Don’t forget about those fucking Russians! HA!

I’m trying to stay away from TV for a couple of days. The hearings were brutal. I know my other politically aware and active friends understand what I mean. It brought out all the anxiety and angst of the situation the country is currently in, and that was hard. I’m glad we in a hiatus from any more of those hearings, I couldn’t take another one. Yeah, the country is in trouble. WE all have to buck up at some point here and do something collectively about it. That time is coming. I hope we’re not all too fucking tired or disillusioned at that point…we gotta fix this shit!

So, during my break from TV I am trying to focus on my blog and I MAY even get around to revamping my Youtube channel. I know it needs to be done but it’s a really daunting undertaking. It’s going to take me a few days of reviewing, deleting, changing and refilming. I’ve been asked to do some new topic specific stuff. I have an article to write due at the end of next week, and I need to go to the beach!!! Haven’t been in 2 weeks because of weather.

Tomorrow I’m headed out early. Haircut then Post Office to mail some boxes out. Then over to Portsmouth for coffee in the square and a walk in Prescott Park – weather permitting. It’s supposed to be a bit nasty the next few days, but I believe tomorrow morning will be clear. Thursday being Thanksgiving many people are travelling and the bad weather is going to be an issue for sure. Snow moving in on Wednesday afternoon most likely…I am not looking forward to snow at all.

Ok, off to sleep. I was up watching the AMA show last night…Taylor Swift killed it! And Billie Eilish was great as well. I almost want to say it was the best AMA show I have ever seen, but having a bit of a fan crush on Taylor Swift I would definitely be prejudice. Of course seeing Green Day was a great bonus!

Rock on. ~ MB

Massive administration plot centering around our entire federal White House occupants and his shady administration officials.

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Cyber Influence’s Aims & Weekend coming!

Trump has been a major advertiser on Facebook. According to a Guardian analysis, his campaign has launched 5,883 different ads since news of the Ukraine-call whistleblower broke on 18 September, 40% of which mention impeachment.

One of the ads raised concern for being deliberately misleading. It claimed, wrongly, that Biden “promised Ukraine a billion dollars if they fired the prosecutor investigating his son’s company”. CNN declined to run the ad, saying its assertions were “demonstrably false”.

Today, in front of every TV camera in the fucking world, Fiona Hill warned the Congress and the American people that accepting this corrupt type of behavior from this entire administration that is unwilling to appear before that Congress and the people, will invite the Russians to drive on with thier 2020 election interference plans. I actually am starting to think that that is what they want, so they can blame Trump’s future on the Russians and not on their blind allegiance to the Trumptator.

Tonight, the GOP is hunkered down in the White House having a big-ass pow wow about their “strategy” for fighting the eminent impeachment. The House will impeach on at least two things, bribery and obstruction of Jusice…and possibly, abuse of power. Leaving no room for any mistake, there aren’t very many ways to “label” what he did – he basically sold us out to the Russians. They are more active tonight than any other night in history, spinning and twisting video footable to fit their message that our Democracy is in the throes of death. Several investigative reporters have who have been following this Russian interference in our up-coming 2020 elections are all on high-alert and are seeing alarmingly high rates of propaganda and false narratives on everything they can figure out to further divide us as American people. It’s an all out attack directly on the American Pubic and her allies to drive a wedge -rather many wedges – of lies, scandals, manipulation and hatred, between us all and down our throats!

And for the first time in my lifetime I feel honestly unsafe from foreign influence not only in our elections, but also in every policy that protects or benefits us as citizens, changed or altered to do the opposite of it’s intended purpose of protection or is tossed out altogether. We are currently very unsafe from the spewing of hate filled propaganda leading to darker and darker days ahead as the bad-actors of the globe see it as open season on poisoning America – mind by mind., attitude by attitude as we becomed dumbed down to the rhetoric.

It’s started, intelligence says, and it’s going to be a vicious cyber attack on all of our platforms, leaning heavily on Twitter and Facebook as one may expect. Minority and fringe communities as well as communities of color will be heavily attacked and weaponized by our nay-sayers.

It’s up to each of us to be vigilant about our online absorbtion – avoiding untrue, fake or fabricated news, check our sources and the resources, check to make sure things are true if they sound unbelievable, they p .robably are…although in today’s climate, that may have become irrelevant. Please, just don’t spread stuff if you don’t know where it came from – maybe even where it originated. The USA is now 24 yrs behind China in AI research and development…if that doesn’t scare you, or at least give you get a shiver, I don’t know what will. Protect yourself, use malware, spyware and a good security system on your network. Malicious actors, bots, and stolen identity accounts will be lurking among us thicker than usual. Back your shit up and while you’re at it pack a go-bag, just in case.

Today’s personal notes….

I adopted a couple of guinea pigs just recently. Click and Clack, the Tappit brothers, of coarse, Thanks to my love of their show Car Talk on NPR, schedule of episodes here. The GPs came with a brand new, gorgeous cage/habitat. I stopped at Petco today to get some shavings for them and I saw the cage there…at $189.99…wow….It’s too bad. The little girl who had them had wanted them, saved up her money then after a month decided they weren’t all that fun anymore and didn’t want them. I know kids want things, but before you EVER buy ANY kind of pet you should be SURE that you can provide a safe, loving, long-term, lifetime home for it. And rather than “buying” a pet, please try to adopt one waiting in a shelter first!

On another note, I’ve been journalling quite a bit and this is one of the methods that I kinda use, Bullet Journalling. I like it, you can tweak it a bazillion ways, make it your own and enjoy journalling, no matter what your style or topics. I tend to keep several notebooks handy each designated for a particular topic or part of my life. This is a quoted entry from the creator of Bullet Journal. It resonated with me for sure.

“That’s what Bullet Journaling has helped me realize. It’s not about making sense of every little thing, or getting it all right. ADHD or not, no one can do that. It’s about putting in the work to understand why you’re doing what you’re doing.

It’s not about catching the rain, it’s about becoming aware of why you’re standing in it.

When you start asking why, you begin to look at your responsibilities differently. You filter out distractions that serve no purpose. With fewer things to do, you have more time to focus on the things that light you up. Despite my diagnosis, I’ve found that motivation and focus come naturally when you believe in what you’re doing. It may not make things easy, but purpose provides the tools I need to persevere.

I created the Bullet Journal because I needed a way to weather the storm. But life shouldn’t merely be weathered. Without the storm, there is no lightning. I continue to Bullet Journal, because it allows me to channel the storm waters to surface and nourish the lightning seeds- those tiny mysterious sparks of clarity so easily lost in the day. These are the things that can bloom into one of countless wondrous reasons that make this thundering life a gift.”
Quoted from Inside ADHD

The weekend approaches…dun, dun, dun…I figure I need to finish raking, one final round the house and clean up. After this it will have to wait til Spring in my opinion. I may hang decorative lights outside this weekend because its going to be a warm 50 degrees and I want to take advantage of the weather break and get them up if I am going to do it this year! I want to, so I will make time one day this weekend. I feel somehow guilty if I don’t get at least one “must do” chore done a weekend, somehow feels more productive and that keeps the stress a little bit at bay.

I also plan to make a trip to the beaches — Yay! Picking my car up tomorrow! — probably make the “loop” from here to Seapoint, up along 103 to York Harbor, then Route 1A along the shoreline in York Beach….nice fucking ride, even better if you continue on up to Ogunquit Beach. It’s always been my personal favorite beach loop. Maybe on Sunday. My dogs need a good couple of hours at the beach sniffing junk and I like walking around looking for shells, seaglass, cool rocks and whatever else may catch my eye. Even Lu has started enjoying the beach visits more than she did, the more we go the more she seems to be becoming accustomed to the wind and sand, not so prissy anymore. And good ole Nola just loves it as usual. That dog has always loved any walking, hiking or long ride adventures. She’s a decent co-pilot.

So, I guess it will be mostly an outside weekend, which is just what I need after a tense week of watching the Congressional hearings looking into the possible impeachment of Trumpinski…let’s fucking hope that’s the outcome, we cannot go much longer under the influence of this corrupt tyrant and Russian sympathizer. He needs to go!!! Resign! Just walk away! Before he gets thrown out or voted out in a shameful election where the results will never be satisfactory. It was so sickening to watch the GOP behave like a bunch of mafia thugs and flat-earthers. It’s bizarre and just NOT normal political behavior or protocol that is being exhibited to America by these so-called “leaders” who are supposed to be protecing our country with their service. This is more like a bunch of oligarchs snarling over how to divide the bounty after a successful raid. UGH, need this shit OUT of my headspace!!! Glad it’s the weekend!!!

Hope you are all weathering the shitstorm!


On a personal note…

“We’ve become less tolerant of alternative viewpoints as media has become more polarised,” Ms Skewes said. “The more narrow it gets, the worse off we are as a democracy.”

The GOP and Trump are up in arms because they got caught in the act and exposed. They’re trying to defend the defenseless, saying he can’t be impeached for being so stupid about extortion. It’s pathetic how the GOP representatives are behaving in these hearings.

And this morning we heaer Fiona Hill, “Our nation is being torn apart” by Russia. She also warned Americans to be aware of Russia’s intent on destroying the US Democracy and that they are actively doing so as these hearings take place. Americans need to wake the fuck up!

Trump and the GOP have been punked by Putin. They need to now own it and end this charade. He needs to resign, along with the whole lot of his corrupt counterparts. Let’s get back to being more protective of our country and more ethical in our business around the world.

On a more personal note….

I’ve been having some kind of “off”days lately. The memories just keep coming back and reminding me. Yeah, I still miss her like fucking crazy, I admit it. There’s just this very empty spot in my heart that yearns so much simply for that connection to her. I am trying like a motherfucker to move on, but I feel stuck and I can’t get the feelings out of me. I hate that I can’t fix things, make them right again. I can’t seem to convince my heart to stop feeling and I can’t convince my brain to stop thinking about her. Damn, I wish this were very, very different and I wish I could go back in time. This is not a very happy place to be mentally. I dreamed that she showed up here, wanting to see me…damn, I hate dreams….although sometimes I want to live there.

I get my car back tomorrow. That will be nice since I’ve been without it for over a week now! I had the strutt and tie-rod replaced and the rear directional unit replaced (it was broken), and got my inspection sticker updated finally. It was a task, but I made it happen like I usually do! I did manage to get the cost down slightly, but it was still wallet shock that will take me a few weeks to recover from, but no worries, I got this!

I’ve been getting settled in for a long winter here, got the leaves cleaned up except where left to protect plants and insects that are needed, winterized the house and stocked in a tank of oil. I also managed to get the shed reorganized and cleaned out – that was one helluva task! And got my office back in order. Everything looks pretty damned good around here now. I’ve been staying busy as I can. Once I have the car back tomorrow I will be able to get back to work. The downtime did give me good time to work on and implement some other productive money-generating things, which is good.

Both of my parents had successful surgeries this month, thankfully. Although, I worry about them, they’re still so very active and I like that they can be! I’m lucky to still have them both, family is important to me. I will see the all at Thanksgiving Dinner next week, that will be nice. And I get to see my nieces next month. It’s the only good part of the holidays, seeing those you love.

I have Rachel Maddow’s book Blowout and I am after Anonymous’s book now. Reading relaxes me. Although the topics are tough. I’m after a few other books on different topics that will be much more fun to read. Trying to keep a sharp mind.

The weekend is almost here…yeehaa. I need it.

Later. ~MB