Butch Stuff

At A Loss

Tears of true grief burn as they flow down the face. The center of my chest feels like I just got sucker punched, I work like hell to not feel exactly because of just the way it feels.

I talked with someone that I haven’t seen in 10 years or so but who I have kept in contact with via following each other around on Facebook or reading blogs or websites we both frequented on occasion. LIfe goes on and we all are just doing our own things wherever we find ourselves in this vast world. Once in a while I have met people who leave a mark and that you know you’ll never forget. Then one day…

I sent her my number and she called me, I hadn’t heard her voice in over 10 years but my fondness for her and the incredible kind of person she is never allowed me to forget her – or lose complete touch with her. Her life-partner died last week. I had sent her my number so when she was ready she could call me and I’d be here to listen. I only knew her partner, Deb, vicariously through Nancy. I did not ever meet her in real life. I would read the posts on Facebook – we were all on each other’s friends’ lists – and enjoyed knowing that Nancy had found Deb and that they really seemed to have that bond that can only happen on very few rare occasions in a lifetime – if at all. They had it, they had found each other and you could feel the depth of their love for one another just by knowing them as a couple.

So we talked for about an hour. I cried with her as she told me about the last 6 months, finding out Deb was sick, then seeing her go through so much and keep fighting from the hospital. I had been carefully following Nancy’s every post and all of the updates she would post on Deb’s page. It was obvious that Deb went into the hospital with the non-stop vomiting and quickly – like in a week was on a ventilator and fighting for her life. Cancer sucks. The cancer was so far progressed that it was causing blood clots all through her body. Then her heart started to die, they did a valve replacement, but it didn’t take…Nancy carefully told me about those last few hours of Deb’s life, thankfully she could BE with her at that moment (prior there were periods of 3+ weeks they could NOT see each other at all, Deb was very sick most of the time).

My heart is torn apart for them. Two great women who only brought their very BEST to this world and who were doing it together is so hard to see torn apart by death. It makes me just want to scream at the moon inside. I confess dealing with major emotions is not a strong suit for this Butch, and I hate to cry, but I bawled my eyes out today in grief for the pain and agony my friend Nancy is dealing with in her heart right now. That feeling must be one of total loss. Like the kind you can’t get back no matter what. Why. Why does this have to happen?

So. There’s a lot more that we talked about. She told me some great stories of Deb and her’s friends and all the things they did. She told me how they met on an online dating site and how she was so happy to have at least HAD that kind of love in her life. I could feel how much she meant that. We cried some more. She told me about how Deb’s family totally accepted her and Deb and how they were very much helping and getting the legal papers done so she gets the house etc. Thankful for that! We all know how it is when the parents aren’t on board…ugh. I am happy she has Deb’s parents and sister supporting her as she’s going through this. She’s also been a big support for them too!

I did some other stuff today…but alas nothing else is worth writing down at the moment. I’m going to try to fall asleep and dream about other worldly things.

I hope my friend and her dog (who misses Deb too) can settle in, cuddle and try to sleep too. I know this is a one day at a time kind of thing for them right now. I’ll check on her on Sunday and see how she’s feeling…dang, you never know exactly the right thing to do in these situations!

Be Kind. ~MB