Butch Stuff, life stories, Love, mental health, Personal Thoughts, Relationships, Things Butch-Femme

…Exit Stage Right

2020 is the year of character revelation. Faces will be uncovered; bias and prejudices exposed to the raw cold air. Failures and falsehoods revealed and spotlighted…Yes, 2020 will be the year of highlighting the cold hard truth – in our country and in each of us personally. The entire condition of this world right now is forcing all of this to the very surface of our lives, into the light and to be reckoned with until remedied. If we don’t make a change we will not survive, period. All those things you’ve come to take for granted will be gone…good -or even decent! – medical care, law enforcement without fear, fair housing, everything will be compromised by the hell of 2020, forever.

I recently came to a major realization about the woman I had fallen in love with a couple of years ago and who shattered my heart – and my trust – in the end. I was stupidly holding out hope that we could work things out and see each other again…but as we were reconnecting a bit I began to hear and understand things about her. That old saying, give someone a chance and they will tell you who they really are, is so very true. While love makes us blind and we never want to “admit” that we’ve been sort of taken for a ride when we finally realize that it’s true, when those blinders fall off and we take a hard look at the person we are almost idolizing, we realize what’s happened…

I never paid attention enough to words like narcissistic, until now…then I began think about all those little things that bothered me along the way that I either ignored or avoided about her, and realize they were outright symptoms of someone who has a narcissistic personality, maybe covertly, but definitely there.

I fell in love with her very deeply, I didn’t want to see anything wrong – ever. But the whole time the obvious signs were right there, I just didn’t understand. I thought she was just stressed and that was how she was – well it IS how she is, but it’s not stress. It’s a personality trait. She loved to for me to tell her what attracted me to her, she liked to hear how beautiful she was and sucked up the attention like a sponge. She kept me wanting more, and it worked – for her. I was sucked right in. She fed off of my praise of her. But when things weren’t done her way or something bothered her she just couldn’t let it go, she would brood and brood over the smallest shit. A fight with her mother in law, something callous someone may have said, a comment from a client, or the dryer being broken…just could not let it go. THAT is a habit of a toxic, narcissistic person, all day long.

Little things like the car having a minor cosmetic issue, would make her angry until it was fixed to perfection. I would ask her to just let things go, not keep bringing them up and bitching about them over and over, I chalked it up to stress and thought she just stressed out easy on stuff, but that isn’t exacty the case. The inabililty to let things go and move on in life is a leftover from childhood habit of a narcassistic person. By reliving things over and over, I told her wasn’t going to change them. Best to just let things go and not let the little shit bother you so much. But she continued, like somehow that was going to change whatever it was she was obsessing about. She would then be pissed about not getting apologies, or not getting the right “kind” of apologies, or about how long it took to get an apology. She would stew about them not immediately responding to her need for that apology or the suck up to make up phase. She was brutal on people. I saw it with her husband and heard about it when she spoke of people in her life – or formerly in her life -I never thought she would do what she did to me…I thought she loved me.

When she broke up with me she made ME think it was because of something I had done…then admitted just this past May in a card she sent to me ( a very sweet card I must say, which I enjoyed getting ) that it was NOT anything I did that caused the break up in the end, sure I didn’t do things as she would have liked, but the REAL reason; the TRUTH was that she had met someone else and my misstep at that moment gave her the ideal opportunity to go be with someone else. On a whim, inconsiderate of my feelings or how it would affect me. THAT was just wild as fuck and something I had NEVER before experienced with ANY other woman in my entire life. And because narcissists don’t like to admit wrong or face the truth head on, they will avoid you…SO she broke up by GHOSTING me, which I understand she’s done to other people before and after me as well. THAT is also the true sign of a narcissist as I have learned.

Now, I must say here that she did come back in May and she did admit what she did and apologized to me for it. Even told me she fucked me over and realized it as well as realized how good I had treated her after being treated like shit by the other person (according to her) – who SHE said was a narcissist! And used the EXACT same words she used on me a year ago to describe the other person she had been with after me.

OMG I wonder now did she even realize she was doing what narcissists often DO by gravitating toward another like-minded person? They call them “flying monkeys” as when you meet one you will generally find all of the people she is closest to are either the same or are the ones who are stoking the narcissist’s ego, making the narcissist NEED to have them around, to make them feel like they are something super special, and to boost their egos. Also they act constantly like the rules don’t apply to them and like they has to be #1 and you will never ever hear them claim those things, they needs to hear, back to you.

The praise, adoration and love is a one way thing. They’ll give you JUST enough to keep you coming back, but not enough to make you think they won’t dump you in a heartbeat (bread crumbing) – because when you wear out your newness or usefulness you are done. Plain and simple. Narcissists have NO problem walking away and hurting people. They will ALWAYS claim it is YOUR fault, and never take the responsibility for anything she can put off on someone or something else. All you’ll ever be is an afterthought.

So, once I researched the condition and UNDERSTOOD it I had a sort of epiphany….I realized I had dodged a big fat bullet. She would have mentally and emotionally wrecked me even worse had I gotten my wish. She did me a favor by leaving my life, I just didn’t KNOW it at the time. It was like in that instant I lost all respect and any taste for her I ever had. Now I don’t even feel the attraction I did because I understand that the conditions that she brings to a relationship are toxic and self-centered as well as NOTHING I ever want to be permanently part of my life. I treated her very good and loved her deeply, I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I deserve WAY better than I got there.

It feels so FREEING and like a huge weight is lifted off of my chest. I can finally breathe again and I don’t find myself thinking of her anymore. Funny, when the truth is revealed it can really throw a stench that will repel even the strong. I ‘m glad I got that out of my blood. It was fun, and it was real…but not real fun! haha…i couldn’t resist a joke here somewhere! haha

It definitely changed me; made me a better person actually. Made me more cautious, more observant, and more questioning. I won’t let it make me bitter though, that’s just not my personal MO. I am more of the let it go and move on, or forgive and forget with friends and family. But in this situaiton it’s just a let it go and stay away…FAR AWAY! And just chalk it all up to an experience I guess the universe thought I needed to have! Funny, how that universe bitch always comes into play!

I’ve always met and dated the sweetest women. Women who were truly beautiful inside and out. Sure there’s been a couple I could have done without and wanted to throttle in the end, but I ALWAYS tried to end things peacefully and without remorse or feeling of being used – either of us. I can easily talk to any one of my ex lovers like a friend (save one). I send Christmas cards to a few, birthday cards to a couple and I hang out with a couple on occasion because we’re in the same area and I run into them around town.

I don’t care for holding grudges, hell I forget about shit so fast sometimes I can’t hold a grudge…small shit just becomes irrelevant and I let it go. My new saying is I may forgive but I will never forget. I will remember what you did to me.

So, that’s the more personal growth side of things for me. This happened a few weeks back, and I got to say my mood improved 1000% in like an hour! I shed not even a SINGLE tear this time, I felt angry and then I found it comical as hell that it was HER that was the problem – for both me and the other chick – all along. Got to look at patterns….And still, even then, sometimes when you love someone deeply they may still deeply disappoint you.

Peace ~ MB

Butch Stuff

Week of Chaos

The United States is becoming more dangerous by the day and Trump is just fueling it with his hate and rhetoric, as well as outright lies and deception from the podiums of the Republican National Convention. I’ve heard so much twisted up “alternative facts” it makes me want to puke. Even more than that it makes me afraid for many, angry for many and angry as hell at the current administration for stoking the violence for the purpose of being re-elected. The entirety of the RNC has been to spew out fear mongering, to convince their base that Democrats are somehow lawless and conniving to take over America and destroy it…when exactly the opposite is true. We have had to watch Trump and his cronies systemically destroy the finest institutions of our country, desecrate our White House, pander to communist distators who us violence and murder to control their people and reverse conservation efforts allowing climate change to become even faster in approach. It’s sickening to have to sit here and watch this happen to a country I love dearly and served honorably.

I’m not going to go into all of the destruction that’s been done to the USA, minority groups, fringe communities and public confidence in our once revered government. It’s a changing landscape politically. The days of complete government by old white men is OVER and the Trump convention is showcasing the last bastions of people trying like hell to keep white nationalism front and center, to scare their base into falsely believing that the younger, more progressive and more conservation minded are going to bring anarchy to the country. One woman even says “they’re going to keep you locked in the house until you become dependent on the government for everything.” And they keep pushing working hard for the “American Dream” – which died way back in the 1980’s. Not one word spoken about the working poor and the low income struggle of 80 million Americans. I didn’t hear police brutality even whispered about, but strong support for a bigger police presence and “law and order” which are dog-whistle words for white supremacy and their desires to keep people of color from advancing in America.

Another police shooting of an unarmed black man in Kenosha Wisconsin happened the night before the start of the RNC. The man was shot a close range, 7 times in the back. This hasn’t even been murmured about by anyone on the Trump stage. Instead, it’s all accolades and praise for Trump. I am peronsally very angry about all the killings of people of color, specifically, but not limited to transwomen of color and young black men.

I live in a state with only a 3% African American population. I’ve been told it’s different up here, that I don’t understand what it’s like. And that is definitely somewhat true. In highschool we had 2 black people in the entire school of about 350 students. After highschool I enlisted in the United States Army where I was educated on various races to some degree. I had black friends as well as friends who were Samoan, Hawaiian, Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, and more. I learned some of their cool customs and I am still friends with some of them today. Maybe not being exposed to POC in my youth made me more open to just seeing them all as interesting people from different places.

I didn’t go into the Army with any “preconceived” notions of people who looked different from me and I have always accepted people for who they are as people, regardless of skin tone. I also believe that everyone deserves equal justice, equality in education, employment and housing. I know that’s not what we have here in America and that we have deeply embedded systemic racism that must be dealt with NOW. I’ve been doing much reading so that I am learning and understanding just how things got to the point that they are at today. I follow some black women writers who have been pivotal in educating me more on how to be a decent white ally. Being a very out and visible Butch has drawn much discrimination, othering, homophobia and hate in my direction too, so I have at least a tiny inkling of what it’s like…just not what it’s like to be judged always by skin color. But I am learning.

I believe that the racial divide in America right now will be a very key part of this election that we are currently in the midst of. Between racial unrest, covid-19, economic frailty, environmental destruction – and tonight a Cat. 4 hurricane in the Gulf and riots in the northern states of Wisconsin, Minnesota, Oregon and Washington. It’s scary. It feels very unstable and unsafe.

We also have the president and his goons crippling our US Postal Service in order to try to prevent mail-in voting and so he can contest any results if there is mail-in voting. Even before he accepts the nomination for his party he’s crying about if he loses it’s only because Democrats cheated. This again works adversely on the psyche of the American people, instilling confusion and doubt. The postal service is older than the country itself and is an integral part of American daily life. We depend on it for oodles of things from medication delivery to paying bills and sending birthday cards. Removing this service, or crippling it as they’ve done, is just another way of controlling citizens; of making them confused and afraid. This is just wrong.

I’m so pissed off about the totally fucked handling of the Coronavirus-19 pandemic by our president and his goons that I can’t even really talk about it in sensible ways. By now everyone should understand that we are up to 180,000 people dead from this virus and thousands of those deaths could have been prevented had this whole thing been dealt with properly. Now it’s out of control and they are beginning to feed the masses false information of just how bad it IS with this in America.

Trump has taken control of the scientists, the CDC and it’s doctors. He’s forced them to speak false information which they have had to walk-back the next day. He’s now forced them to put out “new” guidelines discouraging testing – even if you have symptoms. That is just ludicrous. Trump is pushing ineffective treatments, false “science” and has the My Pillow guy out looking for alternative “cures” for covid19. It’s insanity times 100. Remember his cronies own lots of stock in pharmaceuticals and he’s pushing money their way and using covid-19 to do it.

The fact that the Republican party is so behind Trump is sickening. They no longer believe in justice, law, or ethical behavior in government. The ones who DO are leaving Trump and forming their own new organizations. Trump has effectively killed the GOP and formed his OWN party – Trumpism.

All of the above are the reasons I have not written much lately. My brain is so bothered by what’s happening to my people and my country that I cannot concentrate to write, nor am I able to write fast enough to keep up with the daily NEW crisis that seems to happen. I follow politics, but I have cut back on the ways I follow and how much I absorb, choosing instead to think about and do things that bring me more peace and pleasure.

That’s it for tonight. I’m doing great. Feeling fantastic and enjoying the slow change of seasons here. It’s finally cooler. Nights are perfect and days are no longer hot and humid. I even got a couple of new flannel shirts today in celebration! I will attempt to do another blog to catch you all up on more personal stuff and more fun things that are going on in my life these days. In the meantime, you all take care. Stay safe. Wear your masks!

Peace ~ MB