I had a very sureal kind of day; almost like watching myself from a distance. I hated the day from start to finish. I tried to be with my family, but while I was physically present I was a million miles away in my head. Plus I have an incredibly bad chest cold and cough that’s making me feel miserable as well. Just a lousy fucking Christmas. I could easily have skipped the season altogether and been better for it.
The silent battles rage on. A New Year is on the doorstep and I’m hoping it will be better year for me. Hell, for everybody! I wasn’t impressed with 2019 one iota.
I’ve taken so much of the Nyquil severe cold stuff that I can’t sleep, even with the addition of half a gummy wafer. Agitated, irritated, isolated and feeling the heat. My brain is just going way, way too fast. I keep trying to continue moving in some semblence of forward, but I don’t feel like I’m really getting anywhere. Just about anything could happen right now and I’m not sure I could absorb any more this year. Counting down the days.
As every year, it was great to see my family all together today. This year was a pretty complete attendance! Every one of my siblings made it and everybody was in a holly jolly mood. You can feel the basic pulse of the nation in a room nowadays though, and politics did come up a few times. Overall we managed to steer fairly clear of primetime news and the impeachment. I heard some words on mixing church and state and classroom politics, but nothing major. Because I was in this sort of distant headspace today I spent a good amount of time just chilling in the recliner with my dogs and listening to the various conversations going on in the rooms. It was an interesting way to sort of observe the complexity of my family members without having to talk.
This year won’t be on my list of the best ones. I’m glad to see 2019 getting put to bed. Tired of the year, tired of the shitstorm it represents to me. Maybe I’m being a dick, but I’m just fucking through with 2019 and everything that has gone down in the last 4 months of the year. The first 3/4 of the year were pretty good, then it all went to hell in a handbasket at the beginning of September. I’m still not really able to comprehend or reason with the whys of it all. People change I guess and it can happen in a split second, right in front of your eyes.
On top of my own personal feelings of loss and turmoil with life there’s the added spice of the social and political climate in the world. I haven’t got a clue where we are headed, but it’s not looking very promising. It’s a dark day in our history. I’m sure historians will look at us like we were all a little bit insane and let it really get out of hand quickly.
Everything was going along really great the first part of the year. I was happy and enjoying life for the most part. Then my relationship ended, meaning I lost 2 people that I loved deeply from my life in a nanosecond. The pain from the hellacious gut-punch of that is still lingering. I have never expeirneced feelings like these before, the deep feelings of total loss. I try like hell not to think about her, but you know I do anyway…constantly…and it makes me crazy.
I rey to focus myself on the present moment and what’s in front of me today, then my mind wanders to what could have been, how I could be feeling instead of how I am feeling right now. I am so desperate for this pain and deep sense of uselessness to go away. Sure, I’ve got plans. I’ve got projects and things I need to do, things I want to do and places I want to go this year. But I feel like I am sort of spinning aimlessly in the wind with no real direction chosen to go in just yet. I’m pretending I have this under control…truth is that I am far, far from in control of anything at this time.
It’s been a real chore to just get through the holiday season this year. I can’t wait for it to be all over and done with and put in the books. I”m ready to just be back to day by day living, worrying about the normal stuff like oil bills, car repairs and which dog gets vetted this month. I want to have some old-style regularity in my days again.
I had to make a really, really difficult move today. I had to tell my recent ex not to contact me by text anymore unless it was about us. She would text me occasionally, and she did on Christmas morning. When I see her name come up on my phone my heart breaks wide open all over again every time. So I had to ask her not to contact me because I just don’t think it’s healthy for me to keep being given that sense of false hope every once in a while, and nothing to back it up. I love that woman so fucking much, it’s just tearing my heart to shreds going thru this.
Of course, you know that I do want to hear from her, but it’s not good for me because what I want from her is not anything she is willing to give to me again. That being the case, I just need to put her completely out of my life so I can move past the memories of her and the little one with some kind of success…if that’s even possible. I just hope they are both happy and have what they want in life, and who they want surrounding and loving them. Hopefully, life will treat them both well and they’ll be healthy, happy and long lived. We are now merely strangers who share memories.
Life goes on. It’s like a sort of evolution of understanding; constantly moving and adjusting as necessary. From peaceful days to those of upheaval and bereavement, it’s all just one big shit sammich.
“For now, we must press on with a steady vision of the new life ahead. There is a density that constantly attempts to pull us into the past, but we can free ourselves from its weight if we remember that our power lies solely in the present moment. It is time to embrace change with a full heart and an unbreakable spirit.” Night-dawn-day
I couldn’t have worded that better. That’s exactly where I currently am. On the precipice of letting go of the past completely and diving into whatever lies ahead – with no life jacket of course. The tide is turning though, and hopefully I will catch a wave I can ride for a while in peace.
I’m feeling a tad bit better this morning after Christmas…maybe I’m getsting over the hump with this cold I have. I’ll be glad when it’s through wreaking havoc on my senses! I’m more chipper today, more with it and slightly less sad…just slightly. Let’s see what I can make happen that will make me smile a little today.
I hope everyone is having fun celebrating whatever holiday floats your boat! Rock on!