Butch Stuff

Holiday Blues

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I got up and didn’t even want to go out of my house, but I managed to get myself ready and off to spend part of the day with my family. It wasn’t a good day for me. Lots of feelings of loss and sadness. And this morning, the same. Maybe a little worse. My heart hurts.

I’m trying not to let this be the case, but this holiday season is going to be really hard for me. I miss her and the kid still so fucking much. There are these holes in my life. I had to tell someone that I am just not ready to date anyone else yet, I can’t with while I have these feelings still so strong in me. Actually, I think it will be quite a while before I am intimate with anyone else, if ever. Maybe that’s going overboard, but it’s how I feel right now.

I held myself back – just barely – from texting her and wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving yesterday. I wanted to do it so bad, but I was afraid I’d get a “fuck you” text back and I didn’t want to ruin my day any further. I just fucking miss her. I wish there were a way around this for us.

So, Thanksgiving yesterday and a funeral today. Great. I really hate funerals, but I need to attend this one. It’s a guy who was very close to my whole family, so I must pay my last respects properly.

It’s a beautiful day. We’re due for plowable snowfall on Monday…fuck. That mean shoveling and snow removal. My least favorite outdoor task. I’ll get ‘er done though, you know I will.

I’m going to work on a new video intro for my YouTube channel tonight. Trying to keep my chin up and keep my heart patched together.

I hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving.

~ MB


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