Brain Lock

In-valid. Of no value. No longer valid.

When she said that word to me it struck me. Why would any woman refer to herself as feeling “in-valid”? I thought about this for a while here today. I find it a disturbingly interesting reference to her feeling about herself. I need to know more; I want to know more.

It’s an interesting kind of word “invalid”, in the sense of not feeling valid. It seems that lots of us see some sort of validation that we are someone who means something, is something, stands for something or offers something unique to our community or to the world. Humans want to be needed; to be loved and to be valued. It’s an instinctual part of survival of the species if you want to be scientific about it. For one to feel “in-valid”, or not valid, is not only a very depressing feeling, but it clouds how you see yourself and ultimately others.

The ups and downs of emotion can be exhausting. I really, really like things on a nice even keel, not major emotional swings, no hiccups. Having been through a very emotional experience myself in the last few months I can say with authority that feelings of inadequacy and rejection can really screw with the head, and not in a fun kind of way. Once I got to the point where sensibility kicked in, I said ok, this is insanity feeling like this and I put the effort required in to breathe deep and let it go. No use in fighting it any longer. Easy? Oh Hell no, but I’m trying like fuck to let it go and continue on this unknown, crazy, exciting journey called life. Looking ahead is so much less painful they say…I don’t believe that for a second, but I’m trying. It’s taken me some time to get it behind me, I admit. I fine though, life goes on.

Trying not to think about something or someone when you know, sensibly, that you should not be looking back is a bitch to do. Fucking grief, the love with no place to go, no way to it’s intended destination. I hate it. I had to remember that it wasn’t me that changed. I didn’t ask for this, and surely didn’t want to be thinking about her in hind-sight for sure.

I used to operate under the rules of keeping my brain trained to control every emotion; stay locked inside and not let my true feelings or worries ever show. Use my military mind training to control my personal, intimate life. I always lived by the Butch codes as well. Then a couple of years ago I decided to take a chance; do things differently, give it a try they said…wtf… If I didn’t take the chance I would have never known – and also I wouldn’t still be grieving the loss. Fucking grief, the love with no way to reach it’s intended destination.

Thanks to a little bit of therapy, some really good buddies, a bit of femme sweetness and a lot of reading I feel at least loved and wanted in the world. I’m back to my smiley, goofy, often stoned self. on those days that I get that “something’s missing” feeling I do my Butch best to stand taller and shake it off. Remembering that my life is here and it’s all good, I’m still feeling good, staying healthy, and having fun – rock on life! And now believing that the real work of the human heart and mind is learning to hold complicated feelings simultaneously. So it’s all good, except for the coming snow…that is not good….

And I’m finally finding that brain lock once again. Reinstalling that motherfucker and throwing away the pin number! Using past experience to enhance present life, that’s my plan. I was talking to a buddy down south earlier and we were discussing meditation and THC. He’s got a unique take on the topic and I’m going to give his method a try. THC relaxes me overall and sometimes makes me goofier and I laugh like crazy at everything. Some strains make me clean the whole house, others I get couch-lock. I like those mid-level buzzes best, where I can still function fully and yet be happy in my head. The buzz where no one else even has to know you’re buzzed buzz. hehehe

Funny buzz story…I got up this past Saturday and did my morning routine, but added a 20mg wafer. Then, forgetting I ate the wafer, I drove over to Savers to d donate some boxes of stuff. I knew it was time to go back home when I handed the guy the box, turned around and tried to get into the passenger seat of my car…yeah, I went straight home. The buzz hit me like a brick wall as soon as I stood up and walked to the rear of my car to get the boxes…then I remembered the wafer. It was pretty funny. I was alone, but I still had a good laugh on the way home. I generally do NOT drive stoned. No lectures please.

I am trying out a new social news network. There are a couple of new ones out there now. Along with some new, much safer browsers. I listened to a Maine public radio broadcast today about cyber security for individual specifically, and they were talking about how some of the more common hacks are done. Turn off your blue tooth people, unless you are at home. It’s very easy to get within 30′ of you and hack your phone with the bluetooth on, especially if you’re in a car. Anyway, the new networks are offering less advertising and more security from bad actors. Don’t forget about those fucking Russians! HA!

I’m trying to stay away from TV for a couple of days. The hearings were brutal. I know my other politically aware and active friends understand what I mean. It brought out all the anxiety and angst of the situation the country is currently in, and that was hard. I’m glad we in a hiatus from any more of those hearings, I couldn’t take another one. Yeah, the country is in trouble. WE all have to buck up at some point here and do something collectively about it. That time is coming. I hope we’re not all too fucking tired or disillusioned at that point…we gotta fix this shit!

So, during my break from TV I am trying to focus on my blog and I MAY even get around to revamping my Youtube channel. I know it needs to be done but it’s a really daunting undertaking. It’s going to take me a few days of reviewing, deleting, changing and refilming. I’ve been asked to do some new topic specific stuff. I have an article to write due at the end of next week, and I need to go to the beach!!! Haven’t been in 2 weeks because of weather.

Tomorrow I’m headed out early. Haircut then Post Office to mail some boxes out. Then over to Portsmouth for coffee in the square and a walk in Prescott Park – weather permitting. It’s supposed to be a bit nasty the next few days, but I believe tomorrow morning will be clear. Thursday being Thanksgiving many people are travelling and the bad weather is going to be an issue for sure. Snow moving in on Wednesday afternoon most likely…I am not looking forward to snow at all.

Ok, off to sleep. I was up watching the AMA show last night…Taylor Swift killed it! And Billie Eilish was great as well. I almost want to say it was the best AMA show I have ever seen, but having a bit of a fan crush on Taylor Swift I would definitely be prejudice. Of course seeing Green Day was a great bonus!

Rock on. ~ MB

Massive administration plot centering around our entire federal White House occupants and his shady administration officials.

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3 thoughts on “Brain Lock

    1. Yes, had a bunch of good days to get things in order before the storm rolled on last night. Got 9″ her along the coast with a predicted 10″ more coming tonight they tomorrow. Short work week for most! It’s beautiful, just a pain to clean up the driveway and paths. I got the driveway done today, have to do the paths to the bird feeder area, trash cans, dog yard, shed and to my neighbor next door. He shares his snow blower with me for doing the major areas. This snow is the heavier, wetter “snowman” type, so its heavy to shovel but GREAT for building snow families and snow forts…and makes super good snowballs for the fun battles! Good thing I really love Maine because if I didn’t I would remove somewhere that gets NO snow…but my heart and my family (most of them) are here and it’s awesome to have seasons, be close to the beach, not far from the White Mountains, only 40 min from there major airports and on the Amtrak line…yup, convenient and beautiful. And the 2nd safest state in the USA, with the safest state right next door (NH). Maine is the only state that borders only ONE other state…good to know for trivia!! Sooo…snow be damned, it’s not going to drive me away just yet! — MB

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