Butch Stuff

Anger and Adventure

My little life is so interesting at times. The last couple weeks have been better. Staying busy and staying connected to people has kept me on track and going strong.

Last Saturday I attended a dog walk fundraiser at Gooch’s Beach up in Wells. It was an incredibly beautiful day to be outside and at the beach! My dogs absolutely loved the whole outing. We spent about 4 hours on the beach walking, meeting other dogs and their people, sitting on the rocks enjoying the sunshine and salty, clean sea air. I picked up a whole lot of shells. Big quohog shells, clam, snail, top hats and also lots of interesting small stones. I have them all drying out on the front porch. They’re for a project I am doing, I’ll try to keep you all posted as it comes along.

After the beach I went by the thrift shop run by another rescue in Wells. Wow! It was one of the best small thrift shops I’ve ever been in! Packed with awesome finds and stuff to be reused. I love thrift stores. I didn’t go to buy anything, but to look at a shelf unit they wanted repaired and I had volunteered to do for them. I got my measurements and I will be delivering their new shelves this weekend. That particular rescue focuses on cats. While I’m not a huge cat fan, I am an animal lover and am happy to help any rescue organization.

I took the more scenic route home so I could go by the Rachel Carson Wildlife Refuge, which is the most awesome place to experience autumn around here. It was so incredibly colorful with the changing leaves and because it was an utterly perfect weather day, it was even more beautiful! I love the way the sunshine bounces around in the canopy of the trees. There were lots of very happy birds and chipmunks as well. It’s a great place and I highly recommend a stop and hike through the refuge to anyone who enjoys that stuff like I do! My dogs thought they were in heaven…first the beach, a car ride, and now hiking!

On the way home, just before I got into the town where my parents live I had a flat tire. Front passenger tire blew out. I spent about 40 minutes on the roadside of Route 4 changing the tire, putting on the spare “donut” tire so I could limp her home. I am going to try to get the tire replaced under warranty – they’re not that old – but I also have 2 spare tires of the same exact size and brand that I had saved when the tires were replaced this past May(?). So I am going to have one of those put on the rim and that should work out just fine. I hate car issues. Seems like it’s always something, house, car, dogs, or myself! I guess that’s just the way things work in life though, we’d be bored AF if we didn’t have to contend with surprises all the time! 🙂

I’ve been doing much thinking about anger lately. It’s been a topic in therapy for the last month+, and I’ve been listening to various phychologists via Ted talks and podcasts, videos and blogs. Anger is a very interesting and complex emotion. Everyone experiences it in their own way and space, but we all experience it in our lives. And the expression of anger is actually an emotionally intelligent thing. Controlling our anger, dealing with the root causes and understanding ourselves are important to dealing with our anger.

It’s not often that I get angry, not often at all. I’ve learned to let things roll off my back and not bother me. It’s better that way, I don’t want to carry around unnecessary pent up anger because with me it just eats at me and makes me miserable. I don’t care to be miserable so I don’t stay angry about anything for too long. I try to work it out in my head, with the source of my anger, or with activity that is better for me. I also find that I deal with things that make me anxious or angry with humor quite often. The only real anger I have right now is against my own government, it’s behavior and actions. That is a very different kind of anger; it’s more of an awareness that I know what’s happening is wrong and yet it’s not yet solved and is doing more damage the longer it goes on as it is.

Like I said, we all deal with anger differently. The work I’ve been doing lately on myself has helped me understand this emotion much better and with more compassion and empathy for those who may deal with on-going angers in their lives. It’s helping me see these things more clearly in others and not be judging them for their feelings and allowing me to be more aware. It’s been good, I realize I have little to be angry about in my own personal life. Sure, I could be angry about having HIV, or about my propensity for addiction, or a couple of other things, yet I don’t have the time to waste being angry. Those things are now just part of my life, no need to beat myself up with pent up anger over them and far better to do things to either help others or find new solutions to these old problems.

I’m generally a pretty happy Butch with an optimistic attitude about things. I forgive and forget things that don’t matter in the big picture. If it’s not going to enhance my life to stay angry, then why would I want to hold onto that kind of stressful emotion? I don’t, I won’t and I can’t. I’ve never been one to hang onto anger for long. But when I do express anger, it’s real. I’m not one to just get mad over trivial shit. It’s got to be something that means something to me, something I care about enough to become emotional about. When something doesn’t anger you you know you don’t care about it. When it does anger you it’s because you do care. That’s a very natural emotion and better expressed and dealt with than suppressed, where it will eat at your soul.

All of the therapy sessions and other stuff has helped me a good deal. I don’t feel like a villian anymore. I’ve learned that it’s natural for people – even me – to become angry on occasion and getting upset isn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t define who I am and it’s not part of my every day at all. Because I do rarely get angry I guess it can catch people off guard who haven’t experienced my getting mad and speaking out. Anyway, I am not concerned about having any kind of “anger issue” any longer, that just didn’t turn out to the be case.

I’m feeling more settled and peaceful. I’ve been keeping myself mentally and physically occupied, worked on changing some of my thought patterns and am being very careful with others.

I still think about her every damned day. I continue to wish we could talk and see each other. I have no idea where she is herself with any of this stuff. I don’t even know if she might miss me or if she hates me. And I still do not understand what happened for her to push me away as she did, all I can do is hope she is happier now with me being out of her life. I know that is NOT the case for me, I would much rather still be connected with her and working on letting these things make us better communicators with each other and having the awesome feelings we have for one another back. I’m okay though. I cannot dictate how others feel about me, only accept what is and what is not and choose to be okay with what is for now.

The dogs are passed out and I am tired tonight. I haven’t been doing great with my pain and it’s been keeping me up nights. I am hoping that I can sleep better tonight.

Peace. — MB