Missing Her….

Yes, I finally got angry as fuck about how the woman I have been loyal and dedicated to for the last 21 months treated me so shitty in the end. I didn’t deserve that kind of mean, callous and immature type of treatment – no one deserves that shit, no one. I don’t care how “insulted” she was that I hung up on her or that I raised my voice and reminded her of her father…that’s a stupid ass excuse to turn into the Wicked Witch of Houston and treat me like total shit. So, I stupidly sent her a fuck you text…because I was livid. She really had me fooled that she was in love with me, cared for me and wanted “communication” in her relationships…that’s bullshit. She ditches anyone who disagrees with her and just ghosts them. That’s a deeply immature way to treat anyone ever – friends, lovers or anyone!

Here’s the kicker…I still fucking love her so fucking much and it hurts like ever-living hell. My heart aches for her, I spill tears everyday at some point just wishing she would call me and want to talk. Nothing that happened between us was bad enough for this kind of break up. It was all completely stupid and could have easily been discussed and put behind us. She just outright refused to even try with me….I think she may have said some shit about me to her friends/family there while we were having issues and now feels she cannot let me back in because they may question her…that’s exactly what I believe happened. She doesn’t want to look bad in anyone elses opinion – which she shouldn’t care about anyway. She should realize that people ALL have problems – hell, she knows that she has them with her other relationships as well – and everything has a solution, if you WANT it to be solved. Ignoring feelings – your own or those of the people who love you – is NOT civil behavior for anyone.

I gave her my heart. I gave her access to parts of me that no one has had. I trusted her not to hurt me, yet she did. She seemed to become vindictive toward me for some reason. It can’t be just because I raised my fucking voice…she it kept changing the reason she was mad…so I guess I’ll just never know for sure what her fucking problem is/was/will be in the future. This is behavior that she will sadly and unfortunately repeat with the next person in line and will continue to repeat until she deals with the underlying issues that cause her to behave as she does. I hope she does, I wanted to be there for her, she just wouldn’t let me.

My final text to her told her no to call me again…I didn’t mean it literally but I was very hurt and angry that she was being so vague and mean, I shouldn’t have sent it, but my anger took over and I was being ignored so blatantly. She would only respond to me in mono-syllables and often no response at all. I need her so bad. I love this woman so much and I’ve never seen anyone give up this easily on ANYTHING!!! I wanted so badly to see her and to discuss this in person. I suggested she come see me…she said I was pushing it…WTF? An invitation is pushing it? I thought if she would just agree to see me and sit and talk with me in person that we could mend things and continue what was previously a terrific partnership and a great shared love for some more time.

All I want is to see her. It hurts so fucking bad, I am still physically sick every day…I’ve lost over 20 lbs and feel like I lost my entire world in one day. I miss her and the kid so bad…I wish I knew what I could do to get her back, because I would do it in a heartbeat. It’s been just a month since she stopped talking to me -Sept 11 – and I still hurt to the bone.

How do I let this go? How long does it take? I almost think she’s self-sabotaging of her own relationships sometimes. When someone doesn’t act like she thinks they “should” she ditches them, punishing them and herself at the same time. I wish she would just care more and let her feelings be known. She doesn’t need to be so protective with me, I love her and don’t want her hurting.

I’ve had several other women hit me up and want to see me, have sex or date. It’s crazy. I know it’s somewhat difficult to find good, dedicated Butch partners, but damn!!! I am not interested in anyone else right now. I couldn’t even imagine being with anyone else feeling like I do inside. I don’t think I could do it. Nope.

So, I don’t know what will go on now with me. I guess I just keep on breathing and eventually the pain will subside. I only wish she wasn’t so proud and stubborn and would give us a chance to talk at least. I’m really lost without her love, really lost and sad AF. As angry as I was a few days ago when I sent that final text after her one line kick to the curb, I still want us to fix this…now I just have no idea how without her reaching out to me. I guess I can hope that eventually she will miss me a little and she’ll call or text me…who knows. I don’t count on anything anymore. Even when you give someone your best they find a reason that it’s not good enough, that you are not good enough and they leave. That just plain ass sucks.

I have 2 good friends who are helping me thru my days right now. Thankfully they both reached out when this happened and I needed to connect with other LGBT people so very much right now. They’ve been good listeners and have given me shoulders to cry on. I thank them both for that. They know who they are.

So that’s my sob story today. Like my buddy said to me, it’s okay to feel bad about things when they ARE bad…it’s okay to feel the grief and loss as I am right now. I just hope she’s happy now that I am out of her life…if that’s what she truly needed and wanted, for me to be gone. I wish it wasn’t like this, my heart aches….

~MB