Thoughts on Connection

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” ~ Brené Brown

“Rarely can a response make something better. What makes it better is connection” Brene Brown

‘Being empathetic is a choice to be vulnerable to the pain of the other. It’s being able to sit with the other’s pain without judgement, taking their perspective, recognizing the emotion, and communicating that to the person.”

I get a lot from much of Brene Brown’s work surrounding vulnerability and authenticity. She’s an incredible writer and one day I want to meet her and her speak in person. I’ve been reading her books for years and absorbing as much of her work as I can. There is much wisdom to be gained in reading brilliant authors.

I’ve never been great at connecting completely with any of my partners in the past. I think mostly because I never really felt “seen”for who I really am by them. In the past couple years I felt like I have been seen in a much more real way; away my heart has always wanted but I didn’t realize.

Being seen for who you really are requires that you let down your walls and make yourself vulnerable to another person’s judgment. That always felt incredibly scary to me and I shied away from that for the most part. I kept my emotions and my feelings tightly under wraps. I never trusted anybody not to use them to hurt me. I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone. Then I met her. Everything changed and I began to form a trust that I had never had with anyone else. Kind of screwy that you go through 55 years before you find that with one person. And it happened for me had a great time in my life and one where I was open to allowing it.

The thought of again learning about someone new, their thoughts, their feelings learning the things they like and dislike, the issues that they deal with daily -both hard issues and normal stuff – their moods, and their emotional response mechanisms is daunting and I really am not interested in doing it over again with someone new. It takes a lot to make that type of connection with one person. Yet I made that deep connection with her and lived her even more for the strength she has.

She and I both have fairly complicated lives due to the things that we have to deal with daily and that have happened to each us in our individual lives. those things are vastly different for each of us of course because we are each our own person with our own sets of experiences. We both accepted those things about each other willingly and lovingly which was a really great experience for me.the more I learned about her and the more involved I became in her life the more I wanted to be close to her due to that connection. I was also doing my best to give her those pieces of myself that I had never been willing to expose in the past. I feel like she was ready to catch me if I fell as I was ready to catch her when she fell. The mutuality is real.

All relationships in our lives go through various phases. Familiar relationships, friend relationships and of course romantic relationships all have their own sets of intricacies and we deal with each one in different ways. Hopefully those ways are healthy for us and improve our lives.

Once in awhile you hit a hard spot that’s kind of difficult to deal with yet must be dealt with appropriately, especially if it involves emotional response. Sometimes we fuck up.

In my way of thinking there’s nothing that can’t be worked through or past in a romantic connection except infidelity, intentionally harmful dishonest acts or physical abuse. Everything else, with good communication and empathy, can be sorted out to the largest degree in a good relationship. It doesn’t mean we forget things it just means that we forgive those things when we love someone and we understand whatever happened was not one of the three things above.

That’s kind of where I’m at today. I have asked her to try to find forgiveness for the err in my ways. Because I never meant to hurt her in any way and I never would try to hurt her in any way intentionally. I only want to be in her life to make things better maybe a little easier and to add love and compassion… something we all need and should have in our lives.

I believe she knows that I’m a very good person, a good Butchand a loyal partner who loves her and have that I have strived to treat her the very best that I can. I believe she understands that I lost my grip for a few minutes and made mistakes. And I believe that she loves me and that we can get back to being happy together again if she lets go of the anger and replaces it with forgiveness and we are more aware of communicating our needs. It’s not good to hold anger about anything for too long because it just eats at your soul making you bitter and unhappy. Maybe she wants to let go of it and doesn’t really know how, or is afraid of other people will have a bad opinion of her, I don’t really know. Hopefully she sees that this relationship is worth the effort and discomfort for both of us.

Unexpected things happen in life all the time and we have to remember that were each human and we’re each learning from every experience and every unexpected occurrence. Either person having one or two bad days is nothing to drop an entire great relationship over. If that was so, we’d end up starting over every two weeks with a new person and that would suck in my opinion. Sure, you definitely want to express how it made you feel and ask that it not happen again or that it be handled differently the next time any of those feelings come up, you don’t just let go. This is what I’m trying to get her to see and understand before it’s too late.

I know she’s mad at me because I hurt her, unintentionally, but still I know it hurt. I just want us to have the opportunity to work through this and continue what I believe is a great relationship and that we still have many more memorable moments to be made together.

What I’ve learned about myself and all of this is that I need to think before I speak and I need to pay more attention to what the other person is not saying out loud and be much more sensitive and empathetic to situations that I don’t understand. I also learned that I have been scarred deeply by my father with his silent but deadly treatment when I was growing up. And that has made the last five weeks very difficult to handle on that level.

I’m also a loner who doesn’t tell many people my personal business especially when it comes to my intimate relationship. Yet it’s been pretty obvious that I have been deeply disturbed and upset lately. Thankfully those who I encounter don’t ask many questions. Nor do they deserve explanations.

I’m living my life no one elses, that’s my decision. My actions and decisions are mine and mine alone to form, to hold and to change if I feel like it. No one has any control of that part of me. Plus I really don’t care what other people think about what I do personally, that’s my business. And I’ve had to be like that all my life in a lot of ways due to being lesbian and having to hide myself so much throughout much of my life.

Yep so that’s where I’m at today…

Peace — MB