Anxious Day

As a US Army veteran I sit here tonight completely furious about Trump single-handedly ordering our troops away from the border in Syria, allowing Russian-backed Turkish troops to go in and slaughter our allies – the Kurds. This order is completely insane out completely out of context as to our reason for backing the Kurds and the Kurds assisting us and the coalition in retaking Syria from ISIS. Trump is a coward and is obviously working for Putin and Erodan, not for US interests or world benefit. This is the worst move possible and will cause every other ally of ours to question our commitment to peace, question if we will be there as we said we would be if they were attacked, and will forever tarnish the handshake of America – possibly destroy it completely.

I think of all the things I have on my mind and how they are so much of regular life kind of stuff compared to what the poor people in norther Syria will experience at any moment now. MSNBC just reported at 10:30 pm that the Turkish army, backed by Russian troops are advancing on the border with the intent of wiping out the Kurdish forces and bringing Russian occupation to Syria. President Trump, after a late night phone call last night with Erdowan agreed to pull the USA troops out so that Erdowan and Putin could do this. That is just SICK and TWISTED!!! Not only will soldiers die, but many women and children will also be killed, maimed and have their lives further destroyed in the process.

I have nothing to worry about as I lay my head down to sleep, except that I am very conscious that tonight many will die unnecessarily. I worry about the cost of food rising 25-40% next week, I worry about my girl and her child and Rett syndrome, I worry about bills, my dogs, my health, health of those I love dearly…but I know they will all wake up tomorrow safely in their beds, our worries here seem somehow small at the moment – not life threatening – while we remain ignorant to how this will affect all of us.

We will sleep while our country turns it’s back and a blind eye away from what is about to become a horrific world tragedy -that could be prevented with one word from Trump ordering US forces to fully protect the Kurds and that northern Syrian border. I wish I could look inside Trump’s moronic brain and see where they left out the empathy, compassion and loyalty parts. He needs a brain transplant badly.

Sometimes it’s amazing how much I can be aware of in my head all at the same time.

Of course I am trying to keep up with my personal life. Still working on some relationship issues and hoping that will eventually work itself out. It sucks not hearing her voice daily or seeing pictures. She’s asked for some time and space, so I am trying like a MFer to give it to her, but I admit it’s incredibly hard because I am thinking of her continually. I want to put this last 5 weeks behind us and get back to that happy place with have together. We are all bound to have blow ups in our relationships – hell, any relationship – it’s normal, or so my therapist tells me. I just want to make amends and do the right things to make it up to her. I realize I caused it all, and I regret that very much. I just need her to try to forgive me and see if we can regain our mojo together. I think we can. I guess I will just keep trying.

I would send flowers everyday or send any of the multitude of letters I have written to her, but I am fearful that she will have me arrested as a stalker. Isn’t that horrible??? Today’s world is so fucked up that way. I don’t want to be seen that way, I only want her to realize how deeply and completely I do love her – thru the good and the bad – and that I am here for her and not going anywhere, just like I have told her repeatedly long before this ever happened. I want our relationship to continue and for it to be happy again. That’s all.

So, I am trying like hell to be patient. She likes things to go fast and be cut and dried. The mix of those two are holding us up I think. I am so angry with myself for hurting her, for not being there and for my behavior in the first place This all could have totally been avoided. My fuck up. I only hope she can find forgiveness and the love to get through this hurtful time and be happy with me once again. We’ve talked about what happened enough I think. So, now in my thinking it’s time to move forward with ways to repair things. Keep your fingers crossed for me people! I need all the luck I can get right now.

I been painting my bedroom, it’s been a bit of hell because I didn’t realize how much physical labor is involved in painting – or i seemed to have forgotten. My back is trashed and this amount of continuous labor is really aggravating it. I’m doing all I can for the pain, but I had to literally take yesterday off because I could barely move. I have the ceiling done and now all of the trim is double-coated in trim color. Tomorrow I intend to do the walls. I am hoping to make that a one day task, but if it needs 2 coats it will take 1 more day.

My office / reading room is next. Maybe in a week or two! No way that’s happening in the very near future.

This coming weekend is Columbus day weekend. That means peak foliage here. It’s supposed to be fairly nice. I was going to go up into the White Mountains, but I have decided to stay home. I have plenty to do here and there are local things happening that I can entertain myself with if need be. Beach time is definitely on the agenda!

Time to get some shut eye — if I am even able to sleep, I at least need to lay down and rest and try for sleep. Wearing myself a bit thin these days. Hope that evens out sooner rather than later.

Peace ~~ MB